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 Jokes Etc / The Father Of One Of My Children by Labans(m): 11:15am On Mar 28, 2007 |
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE, during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college, perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher." |
| Jokes Etc / I'm Not Paying by Labans(m): 11:11am On Mar 28, 2007 |
A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He eats one bite and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street. The manager follows him up the stairs and realizes he went into a LovePeddler house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room. The manager knocks a couple times and with no reply he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didn't pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup. The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup  ." The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here I'm not paying for this either!" |
| Jokes Etc / A Gypsy by Labans(m): 10:49am On Mar 28, 2007 |
Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold." |
| Jokes Etc / The Flight by Labans(m): 10:45am On Mar 28, 2007 |
A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first." |
| Jokes Etc / Cold Winter by Labans(m): 10:38am On Mar 28, 2007 |
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." |
| Jokes Etc / Question And Answer: by Labans(m): 10:25am On Mar 28, 2007 |
Question and Answer: Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog. A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A. A private tutor. Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A. Homeless. Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhea. Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A. Her lipstick Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world? A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A. Even the pool table has no balls. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well hung. Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else? A. Nice privates! Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period? A. All your tic tacks are gone. Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it. Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything! Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle? A. She knows she's given her last Mouth Action. Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A. A police horse. Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A. They're hiring. Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? A. Yeah, now he has no ears. Q. Do you know how to eat a frog? A. You put one leg over each ear. Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out. Q. How do you do a fat chick? A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot. |
| Jokes Etc / A Man Who Lost One Of His Arms by Labans(m): 10:18am On Mar 28, 2007 |
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? " He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!" |
| Jokes Etc / The Hypnotist by Labans(m): 10:13am On Mar 28, 2007 |
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife! |
| Jokes Etc / A Life Raft by Labans(m): 10:08am On Mar 28, 2007 |
Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted. The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat". |
| Jokes Etc / If Men Wrote Advise Columns: by Labans(m): 9:54am On Mar 28, 2007 |
Q. My husband continually asks me to perform MouthAction on him. A. Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform MouthAction on him it totally selfless. This shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q. My husband is uninterested in pre-intimacy. A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. pre-intimacy to men is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for pre-intimacy. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing MouthAction on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A. This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two. It's a great time to clean the house, too! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform MouthAction on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with is, do it on your own time and ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform MouthAction on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q. My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A. I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal. |
| Jokes Etc / A Condom by Labans(m): 12:41pm On Mar 27, 2007 |
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." |
| Jokes Etc / Refrigeration Truck Driver by Labans(m): 12:33pm On Mar 27, 2007 |
This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I like to have a shot of GIN" The bartender thought to himself "Well this crazy SOB asking for some Gin, I think i should get him real good". So the bartender says " Alright what kind of Gin would you like?" The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kinda' Gin?" Bartender say's "Sure you've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen". The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well did you know there are three kind's of Turds?" Bartender say's "What do you mean three kinds of Turds?" Trucker say's "Well you've got Mustard, Custard, and YOU!!! YOU BIG SHIT, Ya know what i mean". |
| Jokes Etc / Farmer John by Labans(m): 12:30pm On Mar 27, 2007 |
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign, it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers, " So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY" Go slow and watch out for the chicks |
| Jokes Etc / The Blind Man by Labans(m): 12:21pm On Mar 27, 2007 |
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus , so shut the hell up." |
| Jokes Etc / Undies by Labans(m): 12:15pm On Mar 27, 2007 |
A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof. "You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies." The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!" |
| Jokes Etc / Substitute For Women by Labans(m): 11:16am On Mar 27, 2007 |
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle." |
| Jokes Etc / A New Inmate by Labans(m): 11:13am On Mar 27, 2007 |
A new inmate at the prison was lying on his bunk at lights out. After a while, he heard someone say "Number 24", there erupted laughter from all over the prison. A little bit later, someone shouted "Number 12", and again, laughter roared thru the prison, even the guards laughed. This went on for quite some time, and the new inmate could stand it no longer, he inquired of his elderly cell-mate, "Why is everyone laughing at people quoting numbers?" The old-timer replied, "Well, young fella, we have all been in here so long, and heard each other's jokes so many times, we assigned them numbers, saves a lot of time." The new guy thought for a moment, and then shouted out "Number 19", nothing. the crickets even stopped chirping. He asked the old man, "What happened? Everyone laughed at them when the other guys told them, why didn't they laugh at mine?" The old-timer looked at him and said, "Well, young fella, some can tell em, and some can't." |
| Jokes Etc / A Family Of Three by Labans(m): 11:09am On Mar 27, 2007 |
A family of three, during the late 1800's resided a few miles from a small prairie town. Occasionally, they'd go to town to get needed supplies. One afternoon the father hitched the buck-board with a team of horses for such a purpose; taking the daughter with him and leaving mom at home to tend the farm. About halfway along their trip they were held-up at gun point, by a gang of robbers. The robbers demanded them off the wagon and asked them for all their money. The poor farmer replied, "We don't have any money, we do our business in town on credit". One of the robbers demanded the two to remove their clothing and told one of the gang members to search their clothing and the wagon. To no avail were the robbers able to find any money. So they decided to take the wagon with the team of horses; leaving the father and daughter standing stark naked alone on the prairie. The father looked over at his daughter with a puzzled look and asked. What did you do with all the money? She said, "I put it up my snatch". The father replied, "Damn, to bad Ma wasn't here, we could have saved the whole team and wagon". |
| Jokes Etc / The Reverend by Labans(m): 11:08am On Mar 27, 2007 |
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job." |
| Jokes Etc / Dogs by Labans(m): 11:01am On Mar 27, 2007 |
A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office. Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?" Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep. Why are you here?" Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?" Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her." Spanial: "So, why are you here?" Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped." |
| Jokes Etc / A Company by Labans(m): 10:55am On Mar 27, 2007 |
A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people. Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs." So they laid off the night watchman. |
| Jokes Etc / Black Lacy Panties by Labans(m): 9:51am On Mar 27, 2007 |
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can handle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." |
| Jokes Etc / A New Army Captain by Labans(m): 2:29pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No . not really, sir, They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." |
| Jokes Etc / A Bar by Labans(m): 1:47pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." |
| Jokes Etc / New Scientific Discovery by Labans(m): 1:39pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons. Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days. Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes. This phenomenon of "slowpoke promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover. |
| Jokes Etc / Turpentine by Labans(m): 1:33pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." |
| Jokes Etc / Old Guy by Labans(m): 1:28pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of pre-intimacy; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!" |
| Jokes Etc / Sinned by Labans(m): 1:26pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin, it's simply a mistake." |
| Jokes Etc / Birthday Present by Labans(m): 1:21pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A farmer sent his 18 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to, " "Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 18 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a Bleep for a duck, a duck for a Bleep, and two bucks for a bleeped-up duck!" |
| Jokes Etc / The United Way by Labans(m): 1:09pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?" |
| Jokes Etc / The Biker by Labans(m): 1:05pm On Mar 26, 2007 |
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk! |
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