₦airaland Forum

@Karmamod

I suggest you look into this. Is he eligible of getting a green card/passport?

Really, I did when he and I first met because I had never heard of a visa lottery.  He was also able to vote this past election.

@dollyn

@poster.Be anxious for nothing.i don't see why ure getin scared because some peoples marriages are breaking.it doesnt mean yours too would end up like theirs.ure a lady,u need to marry.its not all about having kids only.if u think ur boyfriend is serious and if he says "marry me"then why on earth wont u.as we are seeing marriages that fail so also are we seeing marriages that last forever.It all depends on the people in it.so babe please marry.i dey take God beg u.the decision is yours though.

I'm sorry Dollyn, but I do not see women/men being happy in marriages. I have two aunts who are happily married, other than that, I do not know of anyone else. That is why I asked for examples from married women who are happily married. The divorce rate in America is real --60% and thats not counting the number of distressed marriages and separations.

I guess that I was hoping to read a bunch of success stories LOL, that would inspire me. But I'm not very inspired by the thought of that piece of paper or the ideal of what marriage life MIGHT be like.

So I would love to read any and all success stories. How did you meet your husband? How long have you been married? What does it take to keep a marriage secure? Any and all info is welcome.

@ Moonstone

Find out what marriage means to him and if it means a lot to him, you might as well settle for a little registry wedding. It doesn't have the be the church and white wedding gown. Let him understand that you do not want to be seen as an acquired property but you want to be seen in a different light than you used to be.

I view marriage as more than ball and chain instead I view it as jail term.

I do dream about getting married because of the glamour associated with it but these days, i'll be happy just having kids with a man.

Are you guys living together already? This might help you know if you will be compatible as husband and wife.

Yeah I understand your fear, I feel the same way. We do not live together, so that is another issue that I have. I enjoy living alone and being my own woman.

And yes exactly, it doesn't have to be the white wedding gown and church kind of union. I am not one for diamonds and such either. His committment is more important to me as well as his ability to remain loyal. So I will take your suggestion and let him know. I have just seen how Nigerian weddings are a very big deal and I'm having a difficult time connecting with that image.

@Moonstone

All I'm saying is if he really wants to get married and you don't, that could create a wedge in between you two so maybe you should talk about it more in detail. Hopefully, you'll be able to figure out what you want by then.
Also, I understand where you're coming from. The idea that I may be tied down to one guy for a lifetime scares the living daylights out of me but I thought I was the only female who thought that way.

The bolded sentence is my fear, because it is his culture (Igbo) to marry and have children. He does not know that I feel this way about marriage. Yes it is true, the idea of being "tied down" scares me. Thanks for understanding (laughing). I sometimes feel like the only women who views marriage as a "ball and chain." When I was a young girl, I never day dreamed about marriage or played house. Not even in my early 20's did I desire marriage or think about it.

Question to you: Are you married now? If so, how did you overcome?

@ Anglobabe

@Poster,
i think marriage is a good thing and the highest level of commitment but as i grew older ,experinced and educated i´ve also realised that someone can be truelly in love and have a happy stable family life by living together as life partners and still have all the things married couples have e.g kids,house in both names,insurance,make him or her ur next of kin etc

As a common law marriage and still be respected in the public like legally married couples with the same rights.with this there is still a great commitment and alot of people do it now than getting married ,alot of countries even have legally documents for any couples intending to have a legal living together partnership agreement.

but if u really don't want any kind of commitment at all its best you tell him straight up now so he knows.

Very true

@Stillwater

Erhmm you are trying to make it look one sided as if women don't want sex, food and kids. I want all three too. Am I trying to use marriage to get more of what I want? It's very annoying when I see us painting ourselves as the innocent lamb to the slaughter. Such a picture is demeaning to my person. We as wives or to be wives are more than childishly clamoring for men's approval. Anyway @ topic
It's best you tell him before things get too far. Marriage is not by force.

No, I'm not viewing this topic from a one-sided point of view. I think that men and women view marriage very differently. I think that most women marry, because they are in love with the idea of love. You want to have sex, you want to cook food, you want kids because this is a symbol of love to you as a woman. But I think that men are a bit more egocentric, even selfish at times. They seem to view marriage as an extention of self or a way to stake his claim/territory. I think they sometimes view marriage as a mere business, family and financial merger. I don't think that most men marry for the kind of love and intimacy that women crave.

@ Karmamod

why would you perfer kids over marriage?

between is this dude documented?

Yes he is documented (visa lottery) and has been in the states for many years now. It is not that I prefer kids, I prefer true committment and children, while viewing traditional marriage roles as an expectation that is difficult for modern day women and men to uphold. Especially here in America, where women desire to further their careers, build their own bank accounts, value freedom. I feel that marriage is unecessary when two people really love each other and feel connected. To me marriage is just a ceremony, confirmation and contract that I don't really need. But I respect those who are married.

@ Adam Brody

Abeg it is not compulsory to marry jare! Just keep on enjoying yourself with men and enjoy your life. All this one man one wife crap is just bullsh***t jare. I believe a man or woman must experience so many partners till your satisfied (although keep safe o!)

Enjoy your life because you only live once. All the cultural nonsense of get married and have kids doesnt matter to me, rather enjoying yourself with multiple partners that satisfy you should be your cardinal point in life.

Why rush into something today when you know that tomorrow its going to end up in a messy divorce?

Abeg Jaiye Ori e jare jo!

It's not that I want to romp with a multiple number of men (laughing). I truely care for my guy and vice versa. But like you said, I do feel that marriage is a bunch of cultural/traditional nonsense. I looked at the numbers again today and the divorce rate in America is actually at 60%.

@ Sisi Jinx

Oh LoveAlways, won't ya visit my blog? Click on my profile. . .

Yeah, I've read your blog before; awhile back. It's FUNNY (laughing). I read it after we had a brief discussion regarding Nollywood under the ID "EbonyMerma." But I see that you have some new articles.

If you are having serious doubts like that, then maybe marriage really isn't for you. Also it seems like you have some issues besides just the general idea of marriage that you need to deal with. You probably should maybe see a professional listener to try and figure out what is causing your fears and if you can work it out.

Nah, I don't think that I have any serious issues.  I am just realistic, I do not think that marriage is for me (or really important).  The issues that I have with marriage centers around my observation of other married couples.  I have two aunts who are happily married, other than that, I do not know of anyone else.  Most of the people I know are divorced or have never been married.  I also know of people who are unhappily married, yet pretend to be happy for the sake of ego.

Maybe one of the issues I will admit to, is that I sometimes view marriage as a dungeon for wives.  A union where women become domestic slaves and subservants to men in order to keep their husbands happy and to also feel validated; eg.  I'm married to a man! Therefore I must be a special lady  -- he picked me, he picked me!!  I'm just not turned on by the idea.  I'm special, simply because I am.  I think that men sometimes, use marriage as wager to get more of what they want from women; sex, food and kids to carry on their name stake.  So to some women, marriage is a huge boost to the ego -- "HE wants my sex?  HE wants my food?  HE wants me to carry HIS child."  I observe women losing themselves in the process of keeping men happy in mediocre marriages.

@ Smurf

U are goning to have to be patient wiff dude, and eventually wiff time things will work out for u folks, best wishes to y'all too,

I'm patient, I just have this thing about men wanting to own women and women liking it.  I love my guy, but I also love my life the way it is.  I just wonder why is it such a compliment to women, when men want to marry them?  I do not feel  the need to be validated in such a way, but I respect those who desire marriage.  To each his/her own.

I think the 50% divorce rate and the countless number of unhappy married couples, is proof that marriage doesn't work.  I am happier just being in a loving relationship with my guy than some married couples that I know of.  I wouldn't feel anymore privileged if we married, than I do being in a loving committed relationship.  I am not ready to tell him how I really feel.  I have just been courting the idea to save face.  But like I said, I like the relationship the way that it is.  If I had to choose between marriage and a cookie, I'd choose the cookie with milk please.  

OH MY GOD!!! I was just going to post that!!

This is how I sing it in the shower

You don't own me,
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me,
don't say I can't go with other boys

And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause

You don't own me,
don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me,
don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

(Instrumental interlude)

A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
(FADE)
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want

lmao -- I like Sisi Jinx

Do I have your permission to make t-shirts, face cap, key rings, bumber stickers and anything else with the bolded? Please? Please Pretty Pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

LMAO  -- Yes Sisi Jinx, you have my permission.  I just thought of this song lol.

[flash=425,344]
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I agree with you that marriage isn’t necessary. I won’t feel this way, if some people don’t think marriage is a way to lock you in. . . signed, sealed and delivered, stick a fork in it, it’s done, fait accompli!!!

After marriage, most people tend to be complacent; they feel they don’t have to work hard at the relationship aspect of it. . . why should they, they are already married. Then the taking each other for granted begins….”Oh she’s my wife now, she ain’t going nowhere/He’s my husband now, he'll always be there!” Pretty soon, they are miserable but can’t get out or rather they are hard pressed to get out of because of the stigma of divorce.

In my opinion, a relationship in its truest sense is when someone has every opportunity to leave but they don’t and the beauty is in knowing two people want to be together because they want to and not because they are compelled to by a piece of paper.

The bolded text is how I feel about it. It is more of a compliment to me that we can be together without paper bonding us together. I think that piece of paper is like a deed or a declaration of ownership. I do not want to own anyone and no one owns me. And I agree again, the stigma and shame of divorce is another act of the ego. If one needs to divorce and find happiness elsewhere, they should be able to do so without shame or fear of how society and nosey neighbors might view them.

@ sisterwoman

1.  Society looks at husbands/wives differently and treats them different.
2.  Society treats married couples different.
3.  Marriage feels special.  Like he loved me enough, he cared enough to stand in front of everyone. . . friends, family and God to say that "I Pick You", I pick you to care for the rest of my life.  I love you enough to marry you, knowing that if something happens tomorrow I will gladly change your diapers for the rest of your life.   I love you enough to want to have children with you because i value your DNA and want that in my children.
4.  As an adult it feels better to introduce him as my Husband instead of my Boyfriend.

Regarding the quotes above, this is why I asked if marriage is just an act of the ego.   If two people love each other, and committment is there, isn't that enough?  And why does love have to be shared with the world in order to feel validated as a loving, committed couple?  

I have a male friend who married in 2007.  He married his girlfriend of 2 years and now they are planning to divorce. He said that he hated being married to her and that she changed after marriage and so did he.  Yet, I remember when they were just dating and enjoying each other before marriage.

@Czar

Y do u (not) want to get married?
I stil dnt c any 'good' reasons,

Because, when I was a young girl I never day dreamed about getting married, not even as an adult. I just recently started noticing married couples, looking at wedding dresses and talking about it. I entertain myself with the thought, but marriage is not in my heart. I have more desire for a cookie (seriously) than I do marriage.

I feel that marriage should be a burning desire or yearning; I should yearn for that kind of union. But when I met my guy, the only thing that I wanted was a long term relationship. It had been years since I had a decent boyfriend, then I met him. My ideal relationship is like Oprah and Stedman, seriously. But I respect that others are married or desire marriage.

@LadyT

Your scared thats all. Nothing is perfect you just have to work at things. And if it all fails at least you tried.

Yeah, am afraid because I do not believe that marriage is important. I feel that I will attract those thoughts into my marriage.

Hello all

As some of you may know, I am an AA involved with a Nigerian male for a year now. Next week will be our anniversary. He has been talking marriage visits to Nigeria and children. I love the thought of having my first child, BUT I am not excited about getting married just now. I would like to marry one of these days, but I have a fear of marriage in general.

First, I do not think that marriage is necessary and I dislike labels. (This is my husband -- this is my wife -- blah blah blah). Secondly, the divorce rates in America are very high. Over 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, hence adding to my fear.

So my question is for those who are married or contemplating marriage soon. Are you happily married? Why is marriage so important? Or is marriage just an act of the ego?

and how am i to referred to u my lady?

LoveAlways is fine.

Let me first say I have no children of my own that I birthed. I have assisted in rearing countless children as I used to work in a foster care agency and I had three step children when I was married that I raised. I believe that there should be a balance between the physical rod and the virtural rod of correction (for lack of a better term). I, like other posters, have noticed that in the US, blacks administer physical discipline more than other races, but the jails are filled with our kids and young adults. I believe many times that we beat the children after the child has already learned bad behaviors. When the child is young, every thing is "cute" to some parents and then they want to correct when out in public after the child has run wild at home. This will not do.

Exactly, I completely agree.

lol.

@Na2day

correction noted, now bitter heart

Bitter heart?  Why is a woman perceived as being bitter when she speaks her mind?  My Id is LoveAlways; I am well loved, never bitter.   I do not like being refered to as "sweet heart."  With due respect, I don't know you like that.  *Getting off of my soap box*

this dude pays the bills but she just used that as an excuse not to be around, and he told her that right in front of the camera, bills paying was well covered and she didnt need to do what she was doing.  the fiance also knew the deal and i guess thats why she acted the oppose of what he gets at home and he fell in love with her. my point is this, the girl friend knew all along but decided to live in self denial hoping that the guy will change his mind in the future without addressing the issues he rose with him. she therefore is very guilty as charged no long thing

On to the topic at hand; I talked to my boyfriend regarding this topic.  He felt they both were wrong.  The best way to break-up with a person, is not to cheat.   He should have given her the heads-up, being as they both share bills and other household responsibilities.  If a relationship isn't working for a man/woman they shouldn't cheat and leave a mate without adequate notice.  It doesn't matter if its a man who cheated or a woman.  Cheating is immature.

A man/woman should give their mates the same respect and integrity given to their employers upon departure.  When one leaves a job, they should give as much notice as possible so that an employer can plan to make other arrangements.  A person might decide to leave a job because they feel neglected or dissatisfied with their current place of employment.  The respectful way to move on, is to do so by giving the current employer a "heads-up."  When one moves onto another job respectfully, this sends a signal to the employer that they just might be losing a decent employee.  The employee moves on without burning bridges and without creating bad karma for him/herself; karma that could potentially carry over into his new job--In this guys case, a new relationship.