₦airaland Forum

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices
a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.

Man: Hey, this guy's really good! Where'd you get
him?

Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me
anything I want.

Man: Can I try?

Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.

Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand
bucks.

* Ten thousand ducks appear *

Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000
BUCKS, not DUCKS!

Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?

A bat came flying into his cave where all his
mates were hanging around. He had blood all over
his face and this was noticed by all. They were
insanely jealous as they had not eaten yet and
proceeded to badger him as to where he'd been.

"Leave me alone, I've had a bad night!" They, of
course, were hungry and wouldn't give up.

Finally, in desperation, he said: "OK, you want to
know where I've been, follow me."

They all flew out of the cave, down the valley,
half way up the mountain and landed in a tree.

"All right you guys, see that tree over there?"

They all nodded, eager to know more.
"Good, because I didn't!"

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked
the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little
squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this
a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it
a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek,
and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss
too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks
later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and
proceeds to have sex with her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass
sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

gabrywyl:
Just that I feel sad with what you had just said. . . .

Owww, why?

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to
her class the definition of the word "definitely"
to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use
it in a sentence. When called upon the first
student says " The sky is definitely blue". The
teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct
because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another
student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher
again replies " If grass doesn't get enough water
it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".
Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?". The teacher
replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question
for class discussion". The student replies,
"Then I definitely shit my pants".

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to
her class the definition of the word "definitely"
to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use
it in a sentence. When called upon the first
student says " The sky is definitely blue". The
teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct
because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another
student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher
again replies " If grass doesn't get enough water
it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".
Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?". The teacher
replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question
for class discussion". The student replies,
"Then I definitely shit my pants".

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to
her class the definition of the word "definitely"
to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use
it in a sentence. When called upon the first
student says " The sky is definitely blue". The
teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct
because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another
student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher
again replies " If grass doesn't get enough water
it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".
Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?". The teacher
replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question
for class discussion". The student replies,
"Then I definitely shit my pants".

Male Wisdom

DISCLAIMER NOTICE!
I'm not the male in question {I'm} the male in bracket}


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d!<k or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.{With my connections I bribed my way and chose the two}

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.{I' God's gift to makind}

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.{I dont av a wife}

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings, '{I'm my Father's son}

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.{Okay by me}

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.{Most def}

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.{More like"pls come again"}

Virginity can be cured.(Ive got the biggest cure)

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.{I concur}

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.{Hell no}

I tried phone intimacy once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.{dats my neighbor, he's blonde}

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.{I aint marid, i dont want to ruin ma lyf yet}

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.{the perfect match}

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.{They re blonde}

Male Wisdom

DISCLAIMER NOTICE!
I'm not the male in question


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d!<k or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.{With my connections I bribed my way and chose the two}

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.{I' God's gift to makind}

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.{I dont av a wife}

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings, '{I'm my Father's son}

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.{Okay by me}

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.{Most def}

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.{More like"pls come again"}

Virginity can be cured.(Ive got the biggest cure)

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.{I concur}

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.{Hell no}

I tried phone intimacy once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.{dats my neighbor, he's blonde}

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.{I aint marid, i dont want to ruin ma lyf yet}

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.{the perfect match}

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.{They re blonde}

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

At an amusement park, people were standing in line
at the food court. The first guy in line gave his
order, then reached in his pocket for the money to
pay the cashier. The cashier noticed the money he
gave her was wet and she made a face.

"Oh, I was just on a water ride" the man said.

The cashier laughed and took the next order.

The next guy in line reached in his pocket and
gave her the money. Again it was soaking wet.

"I just got off the water ride", he told her.

She nodded and took the next order.

The guy reached in his pocket and gave her another
handful of soaking wet bills.

"Just get off the water ride?" the cashier asked.

"No." the man said puzzled, "But I was just on the
scariest roller coaster ever!"

At an amusement park, people were standing in line
at the food court. The first guy in line gave his
order, then reached in his pocket for the money to
pay the cashier. The cashier noticed the money he
gave her was wet and she made a face.

"Oh, I was just on a water ride" the man said.

The cashier laughed and took the next order.

The next guy in line reached in his pocket and
gave her the money. Again it was soaking wet.

"I just got off the water ride", he told her.

She nodded and took the next order.

The guy reached in his pocket and gave her another
handful of soaking wet bills.

"Just get off the water ride?" the cashier asked.

"No." the man said puzzled, "But I was just on the
scariest roller coaster ever!"

The following are new Windows messages that are supposedly under consideration for the planned Windows 7,

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except, no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

BREAKFAST.SYS halted, Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing, Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Reality is for people who can't face
science fiction.

True transcript from court record:

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?

A: Closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how
often you should have it. His grandfather told
him that when you first get married, you want
it all the time, and maybe do it several
times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a
week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex
maybe once a month. When you get really old, you
are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on
your anniversary. The young fellow then asked
his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma
now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have
MouthAction now." "What's MouthAction?" the young
fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to
bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom. And she yells, 'Bleep You!!!!!' and I
holler back, "Bleep You too."

What is the difference between Aids and golf?

In golf, one bad hole won't kill you!

President Clinton is out jogging, and he
encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks
the man what kind of puppies they are, and the
man responds, "They're Democrat puppies,
Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great
that the next day he brings the first lady to
see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to
tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and
the man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday,
you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man
smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were.
But today, they have their eyes open!"

There was this married couple. The wife was very
upset because the husband was always after her
for sex. She finally got so upset she went to the
doctor to see if there was anything she could go.

The doctor told her to start charging her husband
for sex. The woman replied that she could not
charge her own husband for sex. The doctor said
just give it a try and let me know what happens.

Later that day when her husband came home, he
wanted to have sex. The wife replied, "It is
going to cost you." "WHAT?" the husband
exclaimed.

"Well it will cost you $10 to do it on the floor,
$20 to do it on the couch, and $30 to do it on
the bed."

The husband thought this over and handed his wife
$30.

She said, "Ok, come on lets go in the bedroom."

The husband replied, "No, I want it 3 times on
the floor!"

Why are 'Dumb Blonde' jokes one or two liners?

So men can understand them!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even
though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It
gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but
the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to
throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to
its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in
the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head
is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when,

the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse
off.

gabrywyl:

Hi mate, watyu lukin @ lol

What is the difference between a smart woman and
a UFO?

I don't know, I’ve never seen either.

A blonde bought a new pair of shoes but told her
husband she couldn’t wear them for three days.
When her husband asked why, she replied, "Because
the shoe salesman said the may not be comfortable
for the first couple of days."

beanssprout shuld do

clemcykul:
heyy sweetie where ehave u been??

nice jokes there

Heyyyy mi lady, hw u duin, today. really not been easy for me to be online 24hrs lyka use to. and damn, too much new users around i hardly knw dem. luks like our generation is wiping out LOL. will still be droping by tho. Adios my Clemy BUZZ to freezy ituen BEN JAY! tope, ninjabyte, oh lots of'em and all those dat made nairaland my homepage.

The young blond secretary was describing her
evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner,"
she said, "he wanted to come back to my
apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother
would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly.
"Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the
secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve
did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his
apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school
I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five
years.

George Burns

2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other,
why is that monkey over there? He answer "Well
watch this."

He went and slapped the monkey across the head
and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he
said to the other guy, "Wanna try that?"

He answered "Sure. Just don't hit me as hard as
you hit that monkey."

heyy dude, hw u duin.
u still stik round her innit? mist yall man

just been really bizy man

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton
on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne,
the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which
was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would
also like a drink. The minister replied in
disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen LovePeddler than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there
was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's
having."

Three gay athletes, a baseball player, a
basketball player, and a football player were
sitting together in a hot tub discussing their
professions and everything they liked about the
sport that they play. The football player said,
"I just love football because I get hit and rub
up against all those big sweaty guy's and it just
turns me on. That’s what I like about football."

The gay basketball player said, " Oh, that's the
same thing with me, I just love all those big
sweaty guy's rubbing up against me too, that's
what I like about basketball."

The gay baseball player said, " Well I like it
when I'm in a game and it's the 9th inning,
there's 2 out's, the score is tied, and I'm up to
bat and the pitcher has a full count on me and
winds up and throws his best fast-ball at me and
I hit it hard and the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!,
and I'm rounding 1st,the crowd yells GOOOO!
GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 2nd, the crowd yells
GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 3rd, the crowd
yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, but the 3rd base coach says
NO! NO!, but I go anyway all the way to home and
slide head first, and when the dust clears the
umpire yells "YOUR OUT!" Then the crowd yells,
"COCKSUCKERRRRR!" Then he says to his friends,
"It's that recognition that I like."