₦airaland Forum

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.
This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He
turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and
me, gettin it on. I've got two dollars and it
looks like you could use a little money."

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I
charge by the inch."

A young man, in the course of his college life,
came to terms with his homosexuality and decided
to 'come out of the closet'. His plan was to
tell his mother first; so on his next home
visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother
was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that
he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother
said, 'You mean, homosexual?'

'Well, yes.'

Still without looking up: 'Does that mean you
suck men's joysticks?'

Caught off guard, the young man eventually
managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative;
whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped:
'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!'

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty
new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying
had a stay-over in another city, so upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone,
sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind
asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three
doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom,
one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says "Do Not Disturb"!!

Three words to ruin a man's ego:

"Is it in?"

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this
visit he decided to rub her left breast instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she let
out a sigh.

The man ran out and told the doctor
who said that was a good sign and suggested he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if
there is any reaction. The husband went in and
rubbed her right breast. This produced another
moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the
doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.

The doctor then suggested the man should go in
and try MouthAction, saying he would wait outside
as it is a personal act, but this might be just
the thing to get her out of the comma. The man
goes in, then came out about five minutes later,
white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife
is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which
the man replied, "She choked."

Self Evaluation


The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

Which is your favourite Teletubbie,

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red

(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
















Profile for women,

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.



Profile for men,

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

Girlfriend Report


Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.



Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:



Your age Used or New

1 - 12 Years (See note A)
13 - 16 Years New
17 - 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)

A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.



Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.



The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?" to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you" to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!". CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?



Ordering vs. On The Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.



Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.



Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

Police Quotes


These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

@poster
i'm sure u only av friends wit usenames and emails.

Distant offspring.

Ha ha. Cool dude.

Gud'o

He he he

A Union worker had the need of the services of a
little female companionship. While he had no
problems with going to a house of ill-repute, he
did insist that the house be a union house.

His search was long, with no luck in finding a
union operated establishment. Finally, as he was
near giving up, at last he walks into this very
nicely kept and well appointed place. "Is this a
union house?", he asked the madam. "Yes sir", she
said. "Well then, I would like to buy a date."

He scans the room, as he comes to a corner chair
he spies a beautiful, young women. She is his
every fantasy come true. "I'll take her", he
states boldly.

"I just bet you would", the madam tells him as she
pushes a button to open a hidden door. From the
door emerges an old, foul smelling, teeth missing
and nasty of all nasties woman. Pointing to the
emerging troll woman the madam looks the union man
staight in the eye and says, "But this one has
seniority!"

Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and
sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at
the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Needless
to say, the woman is appaulled. The man notices
the boyfriend coming back so he returns to his
bar stool.

As the boyfriend sits down, his girlfriend tells
him frantically, "that man at the bar said he
wanted to suck my nipples raw." Well the
boyfriend gets pissed and stands up like he's
getting ready to beat the shit out of this guy.
"Hold on honey, there's more," the girlfriend
says.

"What is it?!" the boyfriend asks.

His girlfriend says, "He also said he wanted to
fill my pussy up with Tequila and sip it out with
a straw." Her boyfriend then sits back down in
his seat.

Angrily, his girlfriend says, "Well aren't you
going to do anything?!?!?!"

Her boyfriend replies, "Honey, I'm not messing
with any man who can drink that much Tequila."

This couple hit the nearest motel for some
frolicking. They get into the room and the woman
goes immediately to the bathroom to primp. The man
takes his clothes off and sits on the bed to
remove his socks. "Damn," he says, "my feet stink
terribly." He takes his socks off and throws them
on the floor near the bathroom door. "When she
comes in from the bathroom, I'll grab her real
quick and give her a big kiss and maybe she won't
notice how bad my feet smell."

The lady meanwhile discovers that her breath
smells terrible so she retrieves her toothbrush
and toothpaste from her purse. She brushed her
teeth but that didn't help. She brushes her teeth
5 times more to no avail. Finally she says, "I'll
just turn out the lights, run over to the bed,
jump in, and tell him I have a big surprise for
him. Maybe then he won't notice my bad breath."

She leaves the bath, hits the lights, jumps into
bed and says, "Hey, have I got a surprise for
you."

He says, "Let me guess, you ate my socks!"

A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's
putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a
door open in the hall. He glances towards the
door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in
a bathrobe come out. He tries not to look at her
as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.

As they talk she turns to look down the hall and
her robe opens slightly and he notices she is
wearing only the robe. They talk a little more,
and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in
my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in
her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to
the floor and he gets a good eyeful.

She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"

He says, "Your ears."

She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts,
look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can
you say my ears?"

He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said
you heard somebody coming? That was me!"

The history teacher announced that the students
who could tell her the source of the following
famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
"The first quote is: 'Four score and seven years
ago, '"

Cathy raised her and and answered "Abe Lincoln".

"Very good Cathy, you may go home," said the
teacher. "The next quote is 'Give me liberty or
give me, "

Jane raised her hand and blurted out
"Patrick Henry."

"Very good Jane, you may also leave."

Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back of the
room the whole time and the teacher never
acknowledged him and she said that would be all
for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said "Stupid Bitches
(women) if it weren't for them none of this ever
would've happened" The teacher turned around and
said "Who said that!" The boy blurts out "Bill
Clinton now can i go home!"

A teenage boy and his girlfriend were making out
in his car. He says, "Please darling, I can't
take it anymore without some relief."

She replies, "You know I am saving myself until
we are married!"

He begs her, "How about I just put the head in
for a while, just let me marinate the head a
little?"

She reluctantly agrees if it's only the head.
So he proceeds to put the head in and that’s
all he does, for about 30 seconds, but he gets
carried away and before you know it he’s put it
in entirely and is pumping with deep thrusts with
all he's got.

After a few minutes she moans and says, "I know
we have this deal that you are only putting the
head in, but, this feels really good, so go
ahead and give it all to me!"

Thinking quickly he responds, "No, a deals a
deal."

A priest is in the middle of confession when a
man bursts in yelling, "Father, Father! There's
been a terrible accident out front and we need
you to help console the people." Father replies,
"But son I'm in the middle of confession, if you
can take over for me I'll go." Reluctantly the
man agrees after getting a list of sins and their
corresponding pennance. The first person he
encounters says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned it has been 3 months since my last
confession, and I have stolen." After finding
stealing on the list the young man instructs him
to say three hail marys and light 2 candles. A
woman enters next and says, "forgive me father
for I have sinned it has been 6 months since my
last confession, and I have commited MouthAction."
After a slight chuckle the man checks the list
and tells her to say 1 hail mary, 3 our fathers
and light 4 candles. Another man enters and says,
"forgive me father for I have sinned it has been
1 month since my last confession, and I have had
anal sex." The man starts looking over the list,
page 1, page 2, page 3, but nowhere does it
mention anal sex. So he sticks his head out of
the booth and asks the nearsest altar boy,
"Whats the Father give for anal sex?" The altar
boy replies, "Two cookies and a glass of milk."

Nixon: WaterGate
Clinton: ZipperGate

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide
your sources

Albert Einstein

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his
job; it's a depression when you lose your own.

Harry S. Truman

E deh ves u?

? ! ?

Dis is why d internet shuld be rated 18+

Nice biznes plan.

?

And wat gud will dat do u?

Gud. 4 .u.

Yeah but its blasphemy.

Just a yr, a'int dat bad. . . . Is it?