₦airaland Forum

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or
"Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I
went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk I would like to have a license for
Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I
said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care
what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't
understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years
old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I
took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that
I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said every room in the place was
for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps
me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before
the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold
my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called
me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I
had Sex before I was married." The judge said,
"Me too." Then I told him that after I was
married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours
looking around town for him. A cop came over
to me and asked, "What are you doing in this
alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm
looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
large sign on the wall:

$500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts
on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me
this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"

A guy went to Vegas for the first time in his
life. He was very curious about the sex services
offered there. Thru a bell boy, he found the
best in town.

When the lady came, he asked: "How much is your
service?"

The lady said: "$100 for a hand job."

"What? Why so expensive?" the guy asked in
amazement.

The lady pulled the guy to the window and asked
him: "Do you see that shiny red Porsche down
there? That's what I earned by my hand!"

The guy was convinced and decided to try her
service. It was great! So he asked, "What else
can you do?"

The lady said: "For $200 I'll give you a
Mouth Gig."

"What? That's way too expensive for a Mouth Action!"
he replied.

The lady brought him to the window again, and
said: "Do you see the restaurant down there?
That's what I've earned with my mouth!"

So the guy decided to go for it and gave her
$200. It was unbeliveable! So he decided he
wanted to try the "real" thing. So he asked:
"How much for real intercourse?"

The lady pulled him over to the window again,
and said: "Do you see that skyscraper there?
It would have been mine a long time ago if I
had a pussy!"

What do you call a smart blonde??

An oxymoron.

What do you call a smart blonde??

An oxymoron.

The pentagon recently found it had too many
generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight
away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00
for every inch measured in a straight line along
the retiring general's body between two points
he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The
first general accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of
$720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the
third. When he was asked where to measure, he
told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis
to my balls." The pension man said that would be
fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to
do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended
and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The
Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My
God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

The pentagon recently found it had too many
generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight
away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00
for every inch measured in a straight line along
the retiring general's body between two points
he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The
first general accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of
$720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the
third. When he was asked where to measure, he
told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis
to my balls." The pension man said that would be
fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to
do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended
and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The
Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My
God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

who did wat?

sima:
i'm findin it difficult to laugh. .

then uve obviously got a probnle3m with happiness
\

clemcykul:
ohh jeeze not again


*i shall be waiting for you *

well you dont av to wait too long.

maybe. . . . maybe not. . . . .
hw u duing princesa? nice to see yall still locked in ere.

wat da (forgive me father) F U < !< !
i'm out for a couple of dayz and yall turned this nice thread to a mentrual mess thread?
God pass all of you o.

sholabanke:
am sorry
let kno ur age

you wanna knw if we can date innit?

@tyty
my pleasure
@Clem
work. work. work.
shit loads of project work!

work. work. work.
shit loads of project work!

We sure will honnie

DAMN! youve more than doubled my posts

im out. . . .

thanks to you too clemmy. will miss ya.


signing out. . . . . . . . . . .M I G I N E S

Perfect Couple


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer,











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin',











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Olympic Bid


In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

WARNING(LONG CONTENT)
i was hoping u'll scroll down b4 reading

Olympic Bid


In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

WARNING(LONG CONTENT)
i was hoping u'll scroll down b4 reading

abeg nor ves. . . . . . . . .LOL. . . . why take is personal now?

Missed ya too girlfriend. loads

i dint xactly use the term "newbie" some pple get upset by that.

Old Age Benefits


Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages,

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

tytylayor:
tnx

For?

clemcykul:
youre most welkum

hi miggie, wats up?

im gooooood nd you?

cudnt be better honnie

One more for you sweetie

There were 3 girls who went to the doctor's office
for their annual checkup.

The first girl goes in and the doctor asks "Why is
there a letter "H" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "Well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his "Harvard Letterman
sweater."

The second girl goes in and the doctor asks, "Why
is there a letter "P" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his Princeton Letterman
sweater."

Finally, the third girl goes in and the doctor
says, "Don't tell me, everytime you and your
boyfriend make love he wears his 'Wisconsin
Letterman sweater?"

The girl replies, "No. My boyfriend goes to
Michigan".

Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall.
He stops, stares at her a moment and then asks
"are you new here?"

The intern replies "Why yes, I am, this is my
second day."

"I thought so," said Clinton, "I didn't think I
had come across your face before, "

A young woman was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. She went down to the docks and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got
a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring
you food every day." Moving closer he slipped
his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she
have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection,
she was discovered by the captain. "What are
you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and
he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is
the Staten Island Ferry"