₦airaland Forum

Hello macsika. Its a good thing you've decided to share this with us, I hope it makes an interesting read.

Few observations: Has the story started or you're just still introducing it to us? If the former is the case, then please indicate the start of the story.

Also, are you writing the story in present or past tense? Please choose one and stick to it throughout the story. I'm not sure my mind has mastered the art of time travel and I can say the same for your other readers.

You might want to consider separating your conversations/dialogue.

Lastly, you see that letter 'I', it's one annoyingly proud alphabet, it doesn't like being written in lower case, especially when it's standing alone. Rude yeah? I know, I want to smack it too, but let's just treat it with the respect it deserves.

I'll stop here so I don't kill your vibe with plenty talk before you've even started the story. More observations will come with more updates, which I hope will be as frequent as possible.

Cheers!

EfemenaXY:
When critiquing a piece of work, I for example will literally take it apart bit by bit to highlight areas for improvement.

I know this too well

Fantastic. Larrysun the ever amazing writer. Wonderful imagery....that first paragraph tho...wicked show-off

senbonzakurakageyoshi:
Here's a suggestion that everyone of us can effect, moderator or not; we cannot allow poor quality to continue to thrive on thius board. As a result, we need to renew the culture of reading through and passing our honest opinions about what we read on this board, REGARDLESS of what the poster or/and other board members feel about it. This is a public forum, and as far as you critique in a civilized manner using courteous language, there shouldn't be a problem. Only a child runs crying when cautioned about mistakes made. A student that doesn't want to fail again has two choices; improve or drop out. If a writer on this board is not willing to take correction and improve, then the person should leave, instead of trying to impose mediocrity on us all.
Also, we need to stop the whole "take a bow" attitude we take towards written works on this board, saying well done when the writer hasn't exactly done well. We are as much a part of ensuring the quality of written work on this thread stays high as the writers and moderators and if a writer's work is below par or ridden with errors, it is our job to point it out.
It is important too, that when one of us critiques someone else's work and the person is swinging back at the critic, the rest of us should back the critic up - especially when the critique is apt and the criticism is well deserved. The reason some on this board have stopped expressing their opinions about people's works is because when we critique, and the poster and other members lash out, there's nobody to back us up. So we feel it's better to just shut up and let things slide as against speaking the truth - which shouldn't be the case.
The fact is that nobody here is perfect - so nobody here is above correction.

I am in total support of this. Firm as it may sound, it will actually go a long way in making sure our writers here sit up to the task of fine-tuning their works before uploading. So I won't just rush to drop my half-baked stories (and in some cases stories that have not even seen the insides of an oven) here just because I know the first person to comment would generously wriggle a thumbs-up in my face amidst mouthfuls of grammatical blunders and ask to be fed more, and subsequent comments would most likely thread that path. If I know my work will be tested with fire when it gets here, i'll definitely take my time to remove all traces of oil.

Besides, the beauty of criticisms is you're not only teaching and correcting the culprit (permit me to use that word), you're also preventing other intending 'culprits' from ignorantly following suit. And I still find it hard to wrap my fingers around why anyone would resent someone pointing out things in their works when the purpose of that is to make them better, coz to me it's like wanting a fine tattoo without the not-so-fine incisions.

All in all, a lot has been said about the raised issue so I wouldn't want to flog it beyond what is necessary, but the bottom line remains that this board isn't what it used to be and to revivify it requires work from not just the moderators alone but writers and readers alike. We need to bring back that thing that attracted most of us to this board in the first place; that beauty, that flair. I for one wrote for the first time after reading Mazi Omenuko's National Year of S.ex and Comfort (ok now don't give me that look ) and I'm sure a few writers also share that testimony with other writers.

Blames have been dished out, I've accepted mine, and I have resolved to play a part in beautifying this place once more.

Cheers!

I've been working on something related to this for a while now but I abandoned it coz it wasn't really coming out right. This should make me revisit the work. Thanks for sharing.

LarrySun:
Phew! In all my life, I've never read so brilliant a work of literature by a Nigerian as this. This is the 'rawest' talent there is.

Damn me to hell if I don't call on those who know literature to view this amazing piece!

Ishilove, Texanomaly, PrettySpicey, OMA4U, Whitemosquito, Royver, Ruffhandu, Simonhabby, Nuges11 and Princesa...please meet the great Mollusco! He's my big brother, we live together...I learn a lot from him. I'm glad he's finally decided to reveal himself here in Nairaland.

To hell with Soyinka, I aim to achieve Mollusco's literary skill. Watch out, sir, you've got a literary adversary in me . You know I've been cautiously tracing your steps since the past four years.

May the Good Lord preserve you for me; we'll stay true to our vows and dazzle the world together.

Dickens must have felt wants of men when he forced Oliver to ask for more! Bro, since you've been keeping your manuscripts well away from my reach, I'm eagerly asking for more here.

I'm here.
Sure I'm going to enjoy this to pieces.

texanomaly:
DeepSight, UyiIredia, 1miccza, Cuddlemii, Nuges11, musKeeto, UjSizzle, Tovot, LarrySun, Mynd44, harlos, laykorn, Jbluv55,

Yaay! Thanks for the mention Tex, I really need this. So, what to do now??

If it's Larrysun, then it's definitely going to be awesome. I'm following.

texanomaly:
This story was going along so beautifully. Then BOOM lightning!!! It's like watching a butterfly float gracefully from bud to bud one minute, and the next a big black bird swoops down out of nowhere, scoops it up in its beck, and is gone before you know it.





NICE!!

The thing about tragedies eh. Thanks Texanomaly

Did you check out the other ones I gave you links to? Hope you enjoyed them

Fembleez1:
Adefemi.george@yahoo.com is a fast mail where I can easily reply while Adefemigeorge@gmail.com takes 48hours before I can reply. (The Gmail is the one I use on NL).




Patiently waiting.

Done!

This is incredible. What better start could a story have than this, I just hope the other writers are able to keep up this gravity defying tempo. Larry, you're a god; whoever carved your literary intellect is one helluva sculptor, being able to write like you someday would be a dream come true. Ruffhandu, your style is dangerously beautiful. Well done guys.

Cheers!

Fembleez1:
I request, do teach me!.

I'll PM you sire

Fembleez1:
Beautifully written boss.



More ink!
(

Thanks boss

Fembleez1:
Would you teach me how to evoke the environment/atmosphere using perfect descriptive dictions, if I request?

Well, request first and then I'll think about it

Fatalveli:
A nice piece

Thanks

LarrySun:
Christ! What harsh fate!
I marvel at your sense of description. This is so beautifully-written. Every reader would nearly feel that kiss deep inside them. You know how to use those words to pull at our emotions. You never use a wrong word; no unnecessary embellishments...everything was smooth.
But the tragedy! You seem to have found your niche in that genre.
Well done, sir. God bless you for writing this.
Feed us more of your delicious literary craft.

Thank you very much Larry. I guess I just have a thing against happy endings

Hahahaha.....hilarious, very hilarious. Although I don't know the one I find more amusing, the big white pant or your alter ego.....that girl needs to stop fainting

He cupped the side of her head in his palm and ran his thick thumb across her temple as he continued feasting on her lips. The hairs on the back of her head stood as though in protest. A new kind of fire started to burn deep within her stomach and some of the heat traveled down, causing some wetness between her thighs. Her legs seemed to develop a mind of their own and began to wobble. He noticed and supported her slim frame by the waist. The touch of his palm on her pelvic region seemed to complete a sort of sensual circuit within her as she lit up in a fresh outburst of ero'tic enthusiasm.

It wasn't the first time they would kiss but, unknown to the lovebirds, it was their last. The next time she would set his eyes on him, it would be his dead body. On his way home that evening he would be struck by lightening.




THE END.

They stood under the giant oak tree behind her house which had, over the months, become the fortress of their hide-and-seek love affair: hide-and-seek because he was the first son of the Smiths, founders of the billion dollar tech company Smiths Corp, while her father could barely afford a tractor for his small corn farm. They grew up in different worlds, his being a world of flamboyant luxury and hers being the complete opposite. But as they stood together under that oak tree that evening, their worlds seemed to merge into one lumpform of giant ero'tic ecstacy ready to be devoured by two hearts in love.

Her mind raced with several beautiful thoughts, and all her eyes could see was a perfectly handsome man standing in front of her, spotting a plain sky-blue tight-fitting shirt and pitch black denim jeans. He seemed to be the only thing in the world at that moment; even the giant oak tree had miraculously disappeared from her line of sight.

As though on cue, he leaned in towards her, focusing his entire gaze on her perfectly shaped lips. The closer he got the more difficult it became for her to breathe and her heart pounded with so much fervency like the organ was determined to break free from its cage. Enormous joules of ero'tic energy was coursing through her body in both clockwise and anti-clockwise directions, she felt like an active sensual volcano was threatening to errupt inside her and she was about to spill blazing-hot fireballs of pleasure all over the grass they were standing on. She parted her lips as though in total surrender to the force that was about to overwhelm her. His lips touched hers and her head went numb at the same moment. She allowed her lips to be gently assaulted by his while she sent her tongue on an unguarded expedition into the thick dark forest of his buccal cavity. The exchange of oral pleasures continued and the mixture of saliva seemed to cleanse her mind of thoughts that had been surreptitiously feasting on her happiness days before. Thoughts of how her asthmatic brother had barely survived a crisis a day before because her parents could no longer afford his medication; thoughts of how they were about to lose the house because they could no longer afford the mortgage. Her life was practically falling into pieces before her very eyes, but at that moment she remembered nothing, not even why he had requested for them to meet under the oak tree that evening.

She stood staring in his eyes as though she could, through his dilated pupils, see the perfect world she had always dreamed of. A world where you get woken up in the morning by the melodious tunes and musical modulations of Nightingales and Mockingbirds rather than the screeching of numerous tyres on highway coal tar, or the annoying buzzing sound of an alarm clock. A world where she could love whole-heartedly and unrestricted, giving her heart and entire being wrapped in emotions filled utterly with nothing but lust and passion to the one her heartbeat is in sync with, without the fear of this said one leaving her out in the cold once he gets a taste of the sweet pudding locked away somewhere between her thighs, or the fear of being grounded for the rest of the week if she got home a minute after 8 PM.

As she locked gaze with him, memories coursed through her mind in quick succession like the scenes of a fast-forwarded documentary. Memories of how she would sit and watch him run his thick fingers vigorously across the strings of his guitar, filling her ears with love songs he specially composed for her. Memories of them walking hand-in-hand to and fro Bluevard way. Memories of the few fights they'd had since they started dating six months ago, each of which ended up making her fall even more deeply in love with him.

With the way he smiled and stared back at her lustfully, she could tell he was having a clear view of everything going on in her mind through her eyes. Oh she loves it when he smiles; the way his eyelids would narrow as though to block his view from everything else and focus his whole attention on her alone, the way his cheeks would bulge and his pink lips would part just a little to reveal a tiny portion of his perfect dentition. She was no doubt head-over-heels in love with him and standing in front of him that evening did nothing but reinforce that fact.

Wow....this right here is one awesome piece. P.S. I only say 'awesome' thrice a year, and now you've made me say awesome twi...Shi't, three times already. Now I won't get to say *...* again for the rest of the year. Anyways, the story deserves them all.

Captivating from beginning to end, although the last episodes had you mixing up characters but hey, that one I can overlook. Keep up the good work bro, and I look forward to reading more of your *...* works soon.

Cheers.