₦airaland Forum

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
>> When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
>> sacrifice and gave up baked beans.
>> Some months later, on my birthday my car broke down on the way home
>> from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
>> told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
>> On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was
>
>> more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
>> walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
>> the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
> baked beans.
>> All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
>> arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
>> delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
>> He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
>> I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
>> telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
> returned and went to answer the
> call.
>>
>> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
>> pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
>> of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg
>> and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
>> fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
>> I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
>
>> Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
>> stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
>> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
>> room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
>> The pleasure was indescribable.
>> When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
>> freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
>> placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
> relieved and pleased with myself.
>>
>> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
>> returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
>> peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this
>> point he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
> around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

>>
>>
>> I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

babygirl that was the point, its a good one though

How is that boo?

Calculate How much money you will have when you retire. this is slick guys

THE DONKEY AUCTION

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have  some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he is  dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a  piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back."


Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

Well the moral of the story is that kid is responsible for the death of 2 people.

all I have to say is politics is dirty regardless of the nation. If bill Clinton the president of the world can be humiliated for sex scandal, people just wait and see drama will evolve daily in Nigeria. and remember Mantu is just one man. there are many like him that will do anything to get in power.

THREE WOMEN, A GERMAN, A JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY, WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN

PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER

QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER", SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP

UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM".



A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM

TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT ! WAS MY

MOBILEPHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."



THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE

DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT

OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF

TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR

EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL,

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX, "

hey babies do see and know more than we think they know

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says! the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!

Who took the loan in the 1st place and what was the loan used for, I can recollect IBB took IMF loan and what was all that money used for, and this is the same guy that wants to rule us, No way thanks to OBJ for his effort to move Nigeria to a better place.

AN erudite scholar, Dr. Adamu Idama has said that the scale of corruption in Nigeria is frightening that an estimate has it that about $30 billion of stolen money from Nigeria is stashed in European and North American banks with an amount held in assets believed to be even higher.
He made the observation in a paper titled: ''Effective and Efficient Implications of Nigeria's Anti-Corruption Legislation: Assessment of the Just concluded Three-day Workshop on National Anti-corruption for Top Local Government Functionaries and Local Government Policy Makers in the North-East Sub-region, held at the Banquet Hall of Zaranda Hotel, Bauchi.
Dr. Adamu said that corruption has since become a way of life in Nigeria because it has been institutionalized and has been around for so long that its taproots have gone deep and the lateral roots are widespread to a long distance, saying that so pervasive is corruption that no segment of the Nigerian society can stand out to say, ''our hands are clean.''
According to him, a resource person said politicians, civil servants, traditional and community leaders, religious institutions, the media, private enterprises as well as non-governmental organizations are all involved in corruption, adding that corruption is responsible for the broken promises, the dashed hopes and the shallow dreams on the last few decades.
He explained further that for the past year, Nigerian media has been awashed with reports of shady deals in the executive and legislative corridors, with the reports attracting the usual concerns and criticisms from the civil society including religious organizations that have been vocal in the condemnation of the vice, stressing that little has come of the allegations and only few people have so far been prosecuted.
Referring to the findings of the Nigerian Corruption Index (NCI), a new survey conducted by Independent Advocacy Project (IAP), he stated that 58 per cent of respondents opined that corruption is Nigeria's major problem with the Nigeria Police ranking highest where bribe is usually demanded in the open followed by the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN) and the Nigeria Customs Service, noting that in Nigeria of today, nepotism, extortion and bribery have become a way of life and not just with the politicians, except in their own case, they exhibit it more shamelessly.
He further said that it is no more news that corruption is endemic and the in-thing in Nigeria, “it is the way business is done, the acceptable weapon of sealing a deal, securing contract, facilitating business, ensuring you get whatever you are looking for,'' he noted.
Dr. Adamu maintained that there are plenty of Nigerian conscience on sale around the country for a suitable or Ghana-must-go full of cash with the exotic palaces, mansions and houses that glut the landscape in Lekki, Asokoro, Maitama, MKO Gardens, Victoria Garden City, Old Ikoyi, Garki, Gbagada, Sun City and other over built areas in Abuja, which are vivid evidence of stealing and corruption, suggesting that unless Nigerians unite and wage a more sincere and honest war against the cankerworm, there will not be lasting solution to the problem.




http://www.triumphnewspapers.com/nigeria2142006.htm

that is a mess,

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady
forty miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce
lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice,

"Darling," he says, "I know we've been married for twenty years,

but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but
slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel
more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

The husband confidently says, "I want the house." The wife
knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat."

The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
the husband nervous, so he asks her:

"Is there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife
turns to him smiles and says, "The airbag."

someone that can steal without getting caught

this guy is joking, he cant even lead a local govt talk the less of a state. abeg go to sleep

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the
tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of
curiosity, what the heckl are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."


"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK, " So he wraps his arms around the tree and
presses his ear up against the tree. With this the
other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked
and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees
this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and
asks, "What the heck happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got
there. While he was telling his story, the other guy
shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him,
kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't
gonna be your day."

Jigga man is better any day any time, I saw both sons in concert, and the ROC is a better performer and a rapper

This is BS obviously you been berking at the wrong tree

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly Sir "said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you should shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last one to jump was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!, "

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Mind your language, you never know where it will land you.

A man was impatiently waiting at the bathroom door for his wife to finish up her shower. Just as she was getting out of the bathroom, the doorbell rang. After a few seconds of arguing over who would answer the doorbell, the wife gave up, quickly wrapped herself up in a towel and ran downstairs. Bob, their next-door neighbor was standing at the door and before she could say a word, Bob went on, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman dropped her towel and stood naked in front of Bob. Bob had a close look at her for a few seconds, gave her $800 and quietly left. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wrapped herself up in the towel again and went back upstairs. Her husband asked from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob our next door neighbor," she replied. "Great," said the husband, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure.

opportunities!

Biscom Job well done, I you actually hit home run with that script you got, and to the guy that ask you think all military mans are illiterate, no but most of out generals are illiterates. I remember as a child walking along dordon barrack, and we were made to turn around and face the wall because IBB was about to go out and play golf. such act doesn't happen in a civilized nation nor I should say and educated man will not treat his own loved people like that.

here is some more handy work of ATIKU

http://www.abti-american.edu.ng/news/aaunpr-060320-open-house-drive.htm

Lagos

Detectives at the State Criminal Investigation Department (SCID), Panti, Yaba, at the weekend arrested three fraudsters for attempting to dupe a female youth corper of N500,000.

The detectives arrested the suspects whose names were given as Chibuike Ochiaoba, Silvester Odejie and Oboh Williams following a report made to the SCID by the youth corper, Miss Ifeoma Kenine.

They were said to have used fake U.S. dollar notes to lure the corper into paying them an initial N50,000 and promising to give them the balance in the hope of getting N2 million in return.

The DC SCID, Mr Olayinka Balogun, who confirmed the arrest, described the lady as a "smart person" by tricking the fraudsters to the police.

"If every resident in the state will be as smart and alert as the youth corper, then fraudsters tricking people will be a thing of the past," he said.

According to him, the 24-year old corper, was going to Obalende from Ajah when she was picked up on March 31 by the fraudsters.

He said that the lady's report to the police showed that Chibuike acted as a taxi driver, Silvester a passenger who later dropped on the road, while Oboh who acted as a whiteman, claimed he came from Gabon.

The DC said "fake whiteman" Oboh, was speaking like an American and convinced the lady that he had about 10,000 US dollars but did not know how to spend it and where to change it.

He said that Oboh requested for the lady's assistance to teach him how to convert dollars into the Nigeria currency and offered to pay her 500 dollars.

Balogun added that it was at this point that the fraudsters took her to Ojodu Berger where Oboh flashed 5 dollars before her and told her that was the 10,000 dollars with him, while another 10,000 dollars was with a friend who is a customs officer.

He said that the lady was then asked to get N500,000 as her own contribution so that they (fraudsters) could produce N2 million worth of chemicals to print more money as they had only N50,000 which she gave them.

The DC said that their effort to collect more money from the corper landed them in police net.








http://allafrica.com/stories/200604170364.html

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
>mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," she observed.
> To the first mother, Mary, she said, "You are obsessed with eating.
>You've
>even named your daughter Candy."
> She turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
>it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
> Then to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows
>itself in your child's name, Brandy."
> At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
>boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

MR ONO we must disagree to agree, I like OBJ personally with the improvement he had made since the last military regime, none the less, the 3rd term agenda to me is ludicrous and should not be tolerated, on the other hand, this to me are all speculation, this man has not publicly declare his intention that he will run come 2007 so until then I reserve my comment, Ill rather have OBJ the action president than to have Maradona or the disgruntle ATIKU rule Nigeria. if this MR so call vice president can't resolve the issue he had with his boss in office, how can he stand to the modern world like UK, USA when they interfare in our policies?

That joke is lame, you say that to a black woman and she will kill you or cut it off. go figure

http://www.tribune.com.ng/130406/news01.htm

Now I see why they want the immunity clause .

I don't blv this its all a hoax, take the heat off him and people will concentrate on others who support the idea, investigate him deep, every one has a shady deal some how

This is all joke to me, all this guys are criminals, if they are doing their elected duty with oath of office, why are they worried about immunity clause? if they don't have anything to hide, do your job with pride, this is a sign we should not support this hooligans

Missworld Good thing you are not in Nigeria, cause i will be waiting to see how you vote come 2007. Nigerians sure don't need you to vote you are now in Yankee