Aigbofa:

I don't think anybody is debating the relevance here. You said "generalissim has been changed to generalissimo"

What is generalissim?

noooo. the former topic title was generalissim. that's why i was confused and ask what it meant. OP changed it later and I acknowledged the change. lol good to see that we are now on the same page.

you are not answering my question. 
i put "war general" in quotation for a reason. no one said MKO was in the army.
what were mko's achievements that qualify him to be a yoruba leader aside from philantrophy? I'm just trying to know more about what these people did that made them worthy of this great title.

Aigbofa:

Generalissimo is indeed correct. The Are-Onakakanfo was not a ceremonial title, it was a really powerful position in the old Oyo Empire. 

the key word is "was"
what is the relevance today. in the Nigerian context. as opposed to "old Oyo Empire"
MKO was running for president of Nigeria afterall. not a yoruba empire.

to me, this is now more of a ceremonial title. kind of like being Queen of England. lol there is not much else attached to it. or is it really important? if so, how?

to me. we need to get rid of the idea of kankanfo, or whatever it is, as a real social institution. I don't mind it becoming reduced to a ritual or celebratory post kinda how queen of england is 
the real deal is Nigeria. not a yoruba kingdom.

at least that's my opinion. . . for now. unless someone makes a good argument to convince me otherwise.

lol generalissim has been changed to generalissimo. ok. but how was MKO a "war general" of the yoruba nation?  
I saw him first and foremost as a successful and wealthy yoruba businessman and later candidate for presidency. not really a yoruba cultural leader or general for that matter. I get your point if you talk about the chieftancy system in Nigeria where ethnic groups bestow titles upon the more wealthy members who have given back by performing some philantrophic service for the community. But i don't see how he was a yoruba leader. Can you talk about some of his accomplishments as a "general"?

sulad82i:

Did u read the message or just the topic? Cos for me this is way too long and I dont think i have the patience to read it

I skimmed it. lol takes less than a minute
message of the essay: who is the next MKO?

interesting essay format. but what does generalissim mean first of all?

^ lots of people besides blacks are also suffering. to me, the majority of the world is suffering at the hands of only a few powerful. But I agree that it seems blacks are suffering the most.

life is a journey.

Chrisbenogor:

Please those of you living in the US should educate me, did he have to denounce his Nigerian citizenship? I thought the US allows for dual citizenship?

I think OP is just trying to be overly dramatic. You don't have to give up your Nigerian citizenship to be an American citizen. You are automatically a dual citizen unless you actually go and denounce your nigerian citizenship personally. I don't see why any Nigerian will do that unless he really has some serious issues with his birth country. lol

i lose my consciousness. . .until d-day judgment day.
the book of revelations elaborates more on this i think.

AbyDee:

Many thanks to all of you, your replies have been extremely helpful. Here I am to update you with a bit of what happened yesterday.

I didn't talk to my husband for about 3 days, all this time I was posting on NL. I needed time to think things through, to calm down, and to find a way to talk to him. I didn't want things to turn out as our usual arguments. During these three days, all of your posts helped me see things from many different aspects, realizing things that I didn't even see in our own relationship. I realize now that I resented my husband for our struggles in our first years of marriage, that I still felt pain and somehow held him responsible for the struggle we had to go through. I know that I have to forgive him much deeper than what I did, or this matter will show up at every given opportunity and can really hurt him (how to love someone who feels resentment?).

As much as I don't like hearing it, I have read many advices telling me to take more care of myself, and I will try to do more in that area.

Yesterday, I casually started talking to my husband again. I guess he was happy seeing I had stopped being silent. We played and talked about small things. He told me he felt sad too seeing how sad I looked these last days. At night, I asked him for a prayer time together. Then we started really talking. I was afraid he would just find a way to change the topic or say the same things he always said (with the "I told you a hundred times" tone), but he didn't. I started telling him how important it was for us to have prayer times. We used to pray together much more when we were dating and during the first years of our marriage, and that it would make us stronger and give a good example for our child too. I encouraged him to take the lead of the home, as for the prayer times and frequency.
Then I started telling him about what I've thought about and why I didn't talk to him these last days. I explained to him that my life was not so different from usual, not talking to him, since we barely do things or have fun together anymore, and that it was making us drift apart instead of growing close. That this distance between us could bring all kinds of troubles. I told him how much I was committed to our marriage. Then I let him talk, and kept my mouth shut, really listening to him (and realized how a long time it's been since I really listened to him instead of just waiting for him to finish so I could talk too, ). And he talked, truly, about his feelings and his life recently. I had no idea how he was feeling deep down inside. I knew he wasn't doing great but I thought it was only superficial. He told me of his struggles at work, his difficulties in a foreign country, how disappointed he was at the way things turned out to be. It was very touching. oh, and he also told me he was trying to quit smoking (no wonder he was so grumpy!).

I felt bad, realizing that while I was trying to play good wife with the good cooking, complaining about my uncaring husband, he was longing for a friendly talk, for more attention too.

I told him I was there and that instead of completely shutting down, he could talk to me, that I'd me more careful listening to him. I also reminded him that everytime he felt pain, I was feeling pain too, everytime he was not happy, I wasn't happy either, because his moods and feelings affected our family life. He was surprised hearing that. I told him we'd seek solutions for his problems, but that, no matter how hard it is, he should be finding happiness and love in his family, with his child and me.

He really listened to me, I really listened to him, we talked about a few other things, he accepted everything I told him so fast that I was surprised and asked him why it was so easy, if he wasn't just playing with me for me to leave him alone, he smiled and shyly said that a pastor told him the exact same things not long ago. We closed in prayer and he left the room singing about the joy of the Lord.

I don't know how things will go from here, I know it will require hard work,  but this was so refreshing and powerful, it gave me strength and faith to keep on working things out,  with him and not against him.

Once again, I thank you all so much for your encouragements and support, for all of your prayers. Every single answer here has been helpful, the two lines encouragements, the long stories and testimonies, the harsh comments that made me question my feelings and attitudes, the supportive ideas,  I know now that we are all learning when it comes to marriage, but we shouldn't give up so easily.

Many thanks to all of you 

p.s.: for those asking questions about papers, he has been on an independant visa for a couple of years already, no major change occured since. As for the wedding rings, we didn't have enough money when we got married, we were supposed to buy them a year later but we never did,

wow this is great. Who would have thought it was just a little silly easy thing. communication works wonders I guess.
Congratulations on this very big step!!

and I hope you forgive my previous harsh comments and skepticism.

moremi2008:

@Chaircover - I must say that I have been REALLY impressed with your empathy and quality of advice on this thread. May God continue to bless and increase you and your family!

I'm really impressed too. She should take up marriage counseling as a professional career infact. lol

infact it sounds awkward to say better foot. lol

ola olabiy:

Did you watch Arsenal-Chelsea match? Did you watch it on Sky Sports channel?

About 10 minutes into the match, the commentator (Martin Tyler?) said:

"Clichy plays the shot with his right foot; not his best foot".

Is this statement correct or incorrect?

Please help.

good question. "best foot" is used so ubiquitously nowadays that I wouldn't consider it to be incorrect.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/best-foot-forward/

so much callousness. guys let us remember humanity  
I wish OBJ speedy recovery. but he should use the period to reflect on his life and change his ways!! lol

^^ hahahaha I think OP should listen to chaircover's words and advice.

but seriously what's ur old username. it's getting hard keeping track of all u little kids roaming about chaging ur username every few seconds.

lagbaja20:

^^^

Dont you sleep?

I sleep when I want. what's ur problem?
why are u sef awake

and what's ur old username? sefago? strangerf? all these little kids of nowadays sef.

^ haha tu parles francais?

I was watching bill moyers interview with Obama's previous church pastor. the one who was accused of having anti-american sentiments and something in his interview struck me and sort of helped articulate what i've been thinking for a long time. He said that people sometimes ask him why he's a christian. why is he professing this "white man religion" and he gave a really good answer about how christianity itself, when it is bare, is not a white man religion. It is when you add the culture to it that it becomes a white man religion. I'm just paraphrasing and adding my own jara but i'm really grateful to have watched that video.
one minute christianity is said to be a western import. the next minute, it seem to have taken an indigenous form among nigerians and even african americans. I guess the core, the faith is the most important. Sometimes it can be also hard when you are surrounded by people who do not believe and they ask you these actually really smart questions that make you wonder why you are christian. Understanding christianity and what you believe in is so helpful. there is a difference between believing for the sake of it and believing because you know the truth.

tpia1:


here are witches abroad. They just keep a low profile and as a matter of fact, the practice of witchcraft and other dark arts is on the rise in the USA.

the witches abroad are actually powerless in every sense of the word. it is regarded more in a way that atheism is regarded. or how hindus or Buddhists are regarded. they are not out to hunt you and tear your brains apart or bring you woe.
unlike the nigerian ones where it seems that you need to fast 40 days just to keep them away for a day. lol maybe they bother the nigerian christians. but they do not bother me. So i guess I needed to reconfigure my christianity to what matters most to me and that is a right relationship with God for my own personal life because my life seem to be so much more satisfying when I pray and hand around Christians and talk about the word of God.

praying with my parents for deliverance from principalities and powers and satanic forces of darkness and witches and wizards etc however is a different case. When I make those prayers, I just never could connect with them and it shaked my faith for a long time and I found myself not believing in my prayers. What I found out is that I should pray and practice christianity in a way that matters for my life. That's the only way i can be confident in my faith. whereas my parents can practice it in a way that's relevant to theirs (their witches and wizard filled spiritual world lol).

tpia1:

1. Religion = culture. Cant escape that.
2. Churches overseas (especially in america), tend to follow cultural/racial lines, with a few being interracial or intercultural.
You have polish, ukrainian, greek, ethiopian coptic, armenian orthodox, roman catholic, etc etc churches. Even AAs congregate in their own black themed churches most times (the AAs who are religious that is).
I used to wonder why nigerians had their own churches but not anymore. It's nothing new, imo. Or unusual.

Yup. very true. sunday mornings are the most segregated time of the day in America!

Enigma:

Christianity is and has always been adaptable. It is useful to consider that Christianity comprises both doctrine (teachings and beliefs) and practice (expressions of different aspects of the faith). In respect of both, the universal church if truly it is guided and led by the Holy Spirit, as it should be, should provide a lead. This is true to a notable extent of some of the doctrines handed down by Jesus, the apostles and articulated by the church Fathers. Essentially, doctrine (in particular the most essential/foundational/important doctrines) really should be uniform; conceivably, regional variations in less or non-essential doctrines are acceptable and are perhaps in any event inevitable.

When it comes to practice/praxis, there are some things which flow from important doctrine and are to be followed e.g. action of loving one's neighbour, some 'ritual' practices like baptism and remembrance of the Lord's Supper (aka Holy Communion). Here again, there may yet be issues as to how to 'properly' carry out the action e.g sprinkling or immersion baptism or infant versus adult; also consider this, is 'Holy Communion' only to be with wafer or broken pieces of bread or is it conceivable that Holy Communion can be done with pounded yam or 'garium sulphate' (processed in water of 100 degrees centigrade)?

There is one major danger with the adaptable nature of Christianity ---- syncretism. This has always occured historically and continues to occur where Christianity is planted among pre-existent culture. Influences from that culture are introduced into the practice of Christianity by the locals (you can argue it was even the case with Judaism out of which Christianity came in any event). Even oyinbo man i.e. Europeans/North Americans introduced various forms of syncretism and today we see some of these things as more than normal e.g. who says a "church wedding" (or even registry) is really a necessity?

More blatant forms of syncretism include the Nigerian examples you've given and this daft idea of finding witches and demons every place when the Bible say to resist the devil and he will flee from you. In South and Latin America, you also find serious syncretism with for example Candomble etc etc

So how do we get over this morass? In a way, my view is that of a going back to basics: get a Bible that has Jesus' words written in red; study those words carefully and extensively and in time you will soon start to see what is important and what is not; what is necessary and what is not.

Thank you so much for your post!!!! It answered my question perfectly and your advice is duly noted!!!! merci mille fois.
My new year resolution is to start reading a chapter of the bible each day or at least to start a daily devotional on my own and get closer to God. It was very rewarding to me when I found a church and I think that's a good step. But i still feel that I don't have enough support. I don't want it from my parents because like i said, I can't reconcile my beliefs with theirs.

thanks for your help.

I read about this too and I was really pissed.
Imagine western countries bringing their large vessels and siphoning off the resources n fishes in very large quantities while leaving the poor somali fishermen with nothing to survive. Why didn't the media talk about this when they report on the somali pirates?
Imagine western countries bringing large vessels filled with toxic wastes and dumping them in the somali coasts and causing unassuming villagers to fall sick with all sorts of illnesses caused by toxic minerals and radiation. the western media won't report this.

The only news they report is some vacationing middle class family kept in hostage by somali pirates.
I really was pissed too when I found out how Somali pirates formed.

ifele:

You see how the western capitalist press do not report news of illegal fishing and waste material dumping in Somalia.l
They control the world press the God-damned CAPITALISTS. Its a war of deception and lies against poor people all over the world.
The capitalists have formed a Vampire Society called G8 where they plan out to suck all the resources from the poorer countries
The third world the so called periphery are involved in a conspricacy to facilitate neo-imperialism by creating every kind of dependency economic, cultural on the capitalists.
Some countries like Haiti are loosing doctors to richer countries leaving their own countries without medical staff so the people start to die earlier.
Nigeria is a very good example of brain drain. Capitalism is the mother of hopeless and greed. But it wont work without
the cooperation of corrupt third world leaders. We gotta kill off the vampires.

couldn't agree with you more.
When you hear that the west is sending "foreign aid" to african countries and you wonder why this aid hasn't brought the many countries out of poverty, this is why!
it's because it's to the western countries' advantage for some of these countries to remain in their conditions. and the "aid money" (90% of which goes back to the west anyways) can serve to clear guilty consciences.

really sad.

oh wow. you must really be in love. love makes you do crazy things. what advice can one give you really? 
I hope u heal and I pray your husband eventually comes to his senses. this will be a miracle!.

chaircover:

whatever it is that gives you a headache during courtship will give you a migraine in the marriage.

this is a classic phrase.

I didn't know that talking to my man and standing my ground would be considered "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to carry my heavy bag while pregnant would be labelled "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to give me a hand with the dishes while friends would be at home would sound "disrespectful" to him. But let me tell you, the first time a man ever threatened me, shouted at me to "shut up", or left the house without a word for da
ys to "teach me a lesson", it was my husband, and I felt it was highly disrespectful too. I felt completely denied as a human beings, I felt abandoned when he refused to come back home during the first months of my pregnancy. I never felt so disrespected in my life.

But I married him, and I knew it wouldn't be easy considering our culture differences. So I did shut up, I waved goodbye when he was going out, prepared his meal when he was getting up, stopped sharing my true feelings with him, stopped asking him for help. And peace came back between us. We stopped arguing so much, we even had some good times. But as time passes, it seems he is even getting used to that, and is asking for more submissiveness to him. Now he finds it normal to wake me up at 5am to get his stuff ready for work (as if he couldn't get it ready the day before), he complains and brings his bad mood at home about whatever topic, even if I'm not responsible for it, [b]he says he only keeps his job because of his child (how about me?). [/b]And all this time, I'm just playing the "good wife" role, that isn't even truly myself.

you opened your eyes and married a man who disrespects you. what do you want now?

you keep blaming it on cultural differences. what you are describing here are not cultural differences. leaving your wife for months when she's pregnant and refusing to help her in these months is not cultural difference.

waking up at 5am everyday to get your husband's stuff ready for work is definitely not cultural difference.

caring for only your children and leaving your wife out is not cultural difference.

what u are describing is a coarse husband. You say he's nice and caring. I really don't see it at all from your posts. what is nice about him?  
how does he treat his family? you can try complaining to his mom and sisters.

this is not cultural difference abeg.

I know I can't change him completely, but I also know how I love him, and that it's not about him changing completely, but making efforts for the relationship to work.

lol. what if in his mind, his relationship is perfect? and he considers himself to be caring enough just by being married to you?
you are doing everything he wants right? you "shut up," you wake up at 5am to get his stuff ready and serving him throughout the day without any work or effort on his part. what if to him, his relationship works and doesn't need any effort?

if he never respected or cared for you before you married him. I think the likelihood that he will start now is very slim.  My wonder is why you married a guy who disrespects you in the first place and you blame it on "cultural difference." Even if it were cultural difference, most smart people will stay clear if they know that this will affect the success of their relationship.
I'm very confused. how did you even fall in love with such a guy?  

u sure he didn't use juju on you? lol

beejaei:

I like this part. I think the love that can withstand tough times must be built on something stronger than "he is cute" or "she is sexy" or "buy me this" or "do this for me". It should be something more pure, coming from a better place. But then, maybe I am just a dreamer.

you are not a dreamer. it's true. in fact, it seems very boring. it's called conjugal love.
to me, there should be stability and comfort in a good marriage.

This is great news. i'm definitely in!!!!

Miss EZ:

When i say known, i call it as it is. HE NEEDS TO BE KNOWN. Its not too late, but for that to happen, he needs to be aggressive about it.

Aspa your statement of handing out bags of rice, my position on that is "if need be". We do not live in an ideal society. As long as he is not rigging elections,bribing officials and such, i think its an okay price to pay. Am i encouraging corruption? No, but in order to gain the support of the people in the villages, he needs to earn their trusts, and that includes showing that he cares about their welfare. My dear this is not america where u can promise to improve standard of living and health care and they will believe u.

A good example is my village. Its small, and most people are not educated. Would u believe that when we went home and gave money to some of our old family members for xmas, we gave the old man 1000 naira note adn gave his grandchild 2 50 naira notes (N100), the old man wey no go sch thought that the kid had more money than him cos his money came in two notes. this was in early 2000. People in rural areas dont understand big language, what they understand is your ability to provide for them.

Its sad, but thats the truth. You and i can sit and reason with Uncle Pat and understand that he means well, not everyone can, and like someone rightly said, to be apeople person, you need to communicate at their level of understanding. If he needs to give rice to become a good president for Nigeria, if that gives him the chance he needs to get there, i think he should go ahead,  AS LONG as he is not rigging elections or stealing ballot boxes, or bribing INEC officials and such, i think that is a small price to pay. I am all for doing things by the book, but isnt that why good men never lead us? You cannot be a sucessful politician in Nigeria and not make atleast some small concessions or play the game abit. SAD but true. Me i have moved past those days when i said, no giving of rice, men if that will get the awareness he needs from the rural areas (since thats what they understand) make him give them rice and become our president.

I agree. Pat Utomi is largely unknown. how can he expect to win if he doesn't do something about this?

wow that sucks. lol but i guess it's for the greater good.

moremi2008:

I like the "easy-to-love" part. Thanks. Good luck finding your true love.

hahahha no problem. I'm not looking for love. but goodluck to u in finding yours.

moremi2008:

So how do you know when someone is the right person? People lie to get what they want. Interests change over time. Waistlines expand or contract. Some times success surges and ebbs. What is the most important criteria for you?

yea you're right. things change sometimes. that makes things tricky.

that's why marriage can be luck sometimes. sometimes, it takes a few hours of conversing with the person to know that they are perfect for you. sometimes it takes years. yea it's confusing.

to me (everyone is different), the right person is the person who is easy to love. Even without them buying you earrings or gifts, you want to do so much for them. I see this in one of my male friends so I know what love is. he's taken though by a very wonderful girl too so I do feel very happy for him. but I know that when I meet the right one, I will know. you just know. It's not a selfish love or even a romantic love. it's just unconditional.
but then, most people marry for convenience sometimes. not because they met "the one."Like the OP's husband, the suspicious side of me tells me he partially married her for greencard. lol

for the part about waistlines expanding or contracting. if you stop loving your spouse because her waistline expanded or because she got into an accident and has to be amputated. then sorry. u never loved her in the first place.
this thread for example, the husband seem to have unconditional love for his wife.
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-565393.0.html

beejaei:

This is a sad story. When I consider this, other NL tales, and my parents marriage, I do not think I want to get married in life. If these are the cons (these kind of inscrutable struggles), then pray tell what are the pros?

if you marry the right person, marriage is rewarding.
the problem is when you marry the wrong person. maybe out of stubborness, initial lust (that always wear out after 3yrs or so) or whatever reason people get married without knowing their spouse well. or thinking that they can change their spouse. those are recipe for disaster.

why did you marry him in the first place when you both have NOTHING in common. no chemistry. nothing. 
did u get pregnant and felt pressure to marry? 

to me, I can't blame him too much because you married him knowing who he was. the problem is that you were expecting him to change after marriage.
if he had been a different guy before you married him, I would have sympathized with you more. but you knew him before you married. your eyes were open to his personality and opinions.

you can keep waiting, praying and hoping that he will change or become more "romantic" to you. but that probably won't work. generally in most marriages, couples tend to become less romantic as time goes on. not more romantic. so your cause is lost.

my advice for you will be to deal with your marriage. you "chose him" like you said. so deal with the life that you chose for yourself.
otherwise, get a divorce.

meanwhile though, I would plead with you to make yourself happy. start thinking more about your own happiness. Make friends, do things you enjoy doing again. you said you made lots of sacrifices for your husband. well if you feel that he doesn't appreciate these sacrifices, why do you need to keep upholding them? get back your culture and things you enjoy. don't let your husband deprive you of happiness. if you can't have him, at least you can have yourself. do what you want and if he gets mad at you for it then that's his problem. let him know that he's not a perfect husband either. far from it.

I know many things I said sound harsh but truth hurts.

Kay 17:

I also feel culture plays a great role in understanding religion. I regard early christianity as dead, because the circumstances and cultural setting in which it operated is extinct. The concepts of jesus and god's relationship, heaven and hell, charity, communality were determined by the contexts of foreign religions and cultures. I believe the issues of trinity was adapted from pagan egyptian myths and the supposed polytheism of christianity to peoples who can not cope with overloading their god with all the work. Hell to familiar hades.while in africa, the situation is similar to persian adoption of Zoroasterianism, where the old gods were demonized. The same ancestors we formerly worshipped are seen as witches today. The dire situation of africa; poverty, diseases, hunger and conflict  pave way for prosperity gospel with its stark contrast  with early christianity.

i agree. Imagine a pastor telling the females in his church not to wear pants or makeup. that's not part of our culture anymore. women have freedom and rights nowadays. There are female pastors and the like. I think there is a line between culture and religion but it's blurry. How do we separate this? what is the limit?

take a look at this video:
it's a video of a kenyan pastor praying for sarah palin -people from two very distinct cultures. he prays that she will get money to fund her campaign and protection against witchcraft. this prayer is very typical for African cultural context (prayer for financial breakthrough and protection against witchcraft). In an american society where there is very limited poverty and witches, that sort of prayer is not as meaningful. so the situation seems very awkward

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl4HIc-yfgM&feature=related