₦airaland Forum

ozalogbo:
As I read some of your comments, I smiled. Let me provide some information about my mum: she was a born again Christian, a genuine one. She belonged to those holiness preaching denomination. She was a peaceful person. When I stamped my feet and said no! she would be the one to say no, my son.
She would be the one to say, 'What God has joined together, let no one put asunder'. And she would quietly take her leave, against my stand. That was a big problem. She would say, instead of there to be trouble in your home because of me, I better leave. She was TOO peaceful

So you saying you even had a brawl with your wife cos of your mom in your mom's presence.
OK wait lemme rephrase. You mean your wife wanted your mom out to the extent that your mom heard about it and had to leave your home?
So because your mom was cool headed you let your wife had her way with her?
Wow my guy you weak o. Sure say no be you be wife for that house?

shantti:
Oh my questions brings out your hypocrisy right.

Typical of you lot to shift the goal post. And if you can't find your answer in that my question, then I fear for your I.Q. cos it must be too low

She’s in our hospital taking some rehab and psychiatric evaluation...Am sorry pls Mr. Gentleman with high level of consciousness.

Note : I will collect the phone from her Mr.Gentleman.

kenlinzo:
I don't expect ur wife to even think of bringing her mum. It's not a topic for discussion. She was supposed to know that someday, her own mum will be needing same help as ur mum.
U don't have to border urself sir. Like u were told before, marriage is for husband and wife and she has to stick to that. When it comes to husband's mother, some wife can be so irritating and annoying. We just have to handle them with wisdom.

You should know that some people don’t think of tomorrow when they are dishing rubbish to other people. This Op better not allow this nonsense, I’m talking from experience. My useless coz told her mom that she isn’t going or traveling to anywhere when they were told my mom was sick, right in my presence and that was her only sister oh, I didn’t say anything but deep down I know that it can be anybody turn. Anyways she survived and kept off and on, I only for her mom to fall sick and they remembered her sister my mom. I was so pained like this op and wanted to stop my mom from going to help in anyway but my mind told me to pity the woman who is usually not in support of her useless and evil daughter but they still felt so entitled that she is not doing enough after they dumped her in the village expecting her to leave her home and be her full caregiver. I kept swallowing my anger when I remember what these people did and until she pushed and the cup that was full since spilled over and right now, me and then have nothing together and not ever and I’m so damned glad about it. I hate people who don’t show empathy but wants to receive the same. I forgive but I’m not forgetting cos some people have no repentance in them.

ozalogbo:
I want to thank you all for your responses. I know exactly what to do. I am not weak as my write up probably portrayed, from the responses of some of you. But a lot of the time, 'forgive and forget' has been a strong weapon of blackmail that others always use against others. I shall not say much for now. Let me thank you again. You never really know the extent to which opinions expressed on a platform like this shape and influence peoples opinions and actions, especially those expressed outside sentiments. Kudos!

Oga Boss! Please update us later on the steps you took and the outcome.

We dey wait and the best of luck!

Thanks.

ozalogbo:
I am the first child of my mother, and I have two younger male siblings. I am doing well financially. My wife is the last of four children in her family. My dad died when I was still in the university, and this affected my mum.

However, as she aged, her health waned. She was a retired teacher. My brothers are not in the country. Both of them are in Europe. I wanted to have my mother stay with me in her later years because of her health and loneliness but my wife did not want it.

Whenever she was ill and I brought her home to be with us, my wife was usually hostile, especially if my mum had stayed beyond a week. She did not hid her disapproval, and this caused problems in the marriage. People advised that I should send my mum away and pay someone to live with her and take care of her. They said that marriage was between a man and his wife, not between a man, his wife, and his mother. I did and peace returned. Eventually my mum passed on after a few years.

Along the line, my father in law also died. And down the line, my mother in law's health began to deteriorate. We live in the same town. Among my wife's siblings she is the only one doing quite well. Now there are suggestions that the mother should come and live with us so that my wife can give her proper care. I believe that her living with us and seeing her grandchildren will help her. And indeed i have no problem accepting her, but when i remember the treatment my wife gave to my mum, there is a strong revulsion, in fact, anger in me. I shared with a friend, and he advised i forgive my wife, but the revulsion is so strong that i would feel cheated if i agreed.

What do you guys think. She reminded me then that marriage was between a man and his wife only. Shouldn't this also apply to my wife now?

Bruh don't accept it, it's not revenge it's just the right thing to do. marriage is between husband and wife.

SeriouslySense:
I was thinking the same, what a self centered wife and she suddenly have amnesia,

Does the wife not understand that whenever He sees her Mother he will remember how she did not allow his own Mother enjoy the presence of her sons family in her old age.

haa, people like that usually develop secondary amnesia when it suit them.

Fearcom:
Hmmm!

Awon okurin o raye wa oo!

What is good for the goose is also good for the gander.

All the men should gather here amd take this advoce:

1. NEVER, NEVER PAMPER A BAD WIFE.

2. HANDLE HER WITH AN IRON HAND. LET HER KNOW THAT SHE EITHER SUBMITS OR YOU KICK HER OUT. PERIOD

supported one million percent

Ferdinandu:
You are just a Sisi. The time you would have stood your ground, you didn't, now you want to stand your ground on revenge, no. No old parent should be abandoned to die lonely, this is our African tradition. You allow your wife to have her way instead of you to call her bluff and give her ultimatum in the marriage. Don't allow the remaining old woman to suffer because you are the cause of the first incident

So if @embolden is correct then it means his wife outplayed him? Does that mean his wife sees him as a fool?
Wow

ozalogbo:
I am the first child of my mother, and I have two younger male siblings. I am doing well financially. My wife is the last of four children in her family. My dad died when I was still in the university, and this affected my mum.

However, as she aged, her health waned. She was a retired teacher. My brothers are not in the country. Both of them are in Europe. I wanted to have my mother stay with me in her later years because of her health and loneliness but my wife did not want it.

Whenever she was ill and I brought her home to be with us, my wife was usually hostile, especially if my mum had stayed beyond a week. She did not hid her disapproval, and this caused problems in the marriage. People advised that I should send my mum away and pay someone to live with her and take care of her. They said that marriage was between a man and his wife, not between a man, his wife, and his mother. I did and peace returned. Eventually my mum passed on after a few years.

Along the line, my father in law also died. And down the line, my mother in law's health began to deteriorate. We live in the same town. Among my wife's siblings she is the only one doing quite well. Now there are suggestions that the mother should come and live with us so that my wife can give her proper care. I believe that her living with us and seeing her grandchildren will help her. And indeed i have no problem accepting her, but when i remember the treatment my wife gave to my mum, there is a strong revulsion, in fact, anger in me. I shared with a friend, and he advised i forgive my wife, but the revulsion is so strong that i would feel cheated if i agreed.

What do you guys think. She reminded me then that marriage was between a man and his wife only. Shouldn't this also apply to my wife now?

Phew. I've read the whole 20 pages this issue! So many divergent views already. Mr, I hope you have the time and patience to go through all of them. Knowing how people reason and think would allow you to set expectations accordingly. The reason why our close friends and family are more capable of hurting us deeply is because we alway expect better [more] from them.

I have to say this though, caring for bedridden, old and sick people is not the easiest tasks in the world, depending on the nature of assistance they need. From where I see it, providing the finance is actually the easier part compared to actually carrying out the caring tasks. [Which one would you prefer to fulfil if you can provide both?]

@bolded
Nevertheless, I think it's understandable that you feel betrayed, and cheated by your wife. Even though I'm not sure the level of assistance your mom needed, It's obvious she never wanted to TRY at the least. She never wanted to be a team player. The idea that she can become hostile because your sick mom stays a week shows her as a bad teammate.

iInjureHerYansh:
Stupid post. Let her go die in her husband's house. I no dey even pity men that take you people's advice. The gospel is everywhere now. Any man wey no Wan wise make him suffer

look at your username

shantti:
Am not handicapped
Moreover there are caregivers

Again with the caregivers

Zupay:
I am very certain I won't remember you just as you won't remember me.

Haba, your go to solution is "marrying a second wife", one would ask how does that solve the issue on ground? If a man is tired of the marriage, let him end it and work out providing for their children, if any and should have a clean head going into another relationship.

You never understand women and life.I pity u.You will understand in old age.

Okay use your data analysis expertise to explain why men are doing everything to run away from caring for their aging parents.
Now you’re mentioning maids, some have mentioned caregivers. And obviously the rest of you want your wives to do it. This thing you’re taking for granted that everyone else but you will be available to do it.

Why aren’t you doing it yourselves?

And tell me with your expertise in data analytics how what you’ve said disproves my point about men always shifting the care labor to females around them.
Quickly

Mrbllymer:
cos if you are know a thing about data analysis you wouldn’t have made your last statement.

There are so many homes where maids practically do everything ranging from cooking , cleaning etc.
you are just all over the place in trying to say something meaningful. Stick to Op’s context.

Killbillz:
U are just a fool for being the woman in ur marriage. U are not a leader nor a man to deserve any better than the manipulating wife u got. So u don't have a mental picture of how ur he should be run and u take garbage advise from bigger fools? U left ur aging mother in the care of others? Oh u even know that interacting with the grandkids is good for aged parents and yet u denied ur mother that which is her right and ur responsibility to her just like u were her responsibility in her womb to ensure she did what's right for u to come out good? U immature fools rush into marriage without understanding anything about life other than breathing air, eating,procreation and making little change. U know nothing and yet u say ur a husband. I can't blame ur wife completely. She saw she married a worm and decided who wears the pants in the house. Now God has turned things around to show u ur foolishness for not being in charge of ur woman u still run come NL dey find advise. To slap u faint dey hungry me. Ur mother just suffered for nothing and ur wife husband is going to enforce her will on u as usual. Like someone said up there ur MIL is nit the problem but if I were u I would make her daughter feel what u felt when.... God forbid I can never be as weak and foolish as u. Carry ur stupid cross bastard!

He never reach to fight na brother

ozalogbo:
I am the first child of my mother, and I have two younger male siblings. I am doing well financially. My wife is the last of four children in her family. My dad died when I was still in the university, and this affected my mum.

However, as she aged, her health waned. She was a retired teacher. My brothers are not in the country. Both of them are in Europe. I wanted to have my mother stay with me in her later years because of her health and loneliness but my wife did not want it.

Whenever she was ill and I brought her home to be with us, my wife was usually hostile, especially if my mum had stayed beyond a week. She did not hid her disapproval, and this caused problems in the marriage. People advised that I should send my mum away and pay someone to live with her and take care of her. They said that marriage was between a man and his wife, not between a man, his wife, and his mother. I did and peace returned. Eventually my mum passed on after a few years.

Along the line, my father in law also died. And down the line, my mother in law's health began to deteriorate. We live in the same town. Among my wife's siblings she is the only one doing quite well. Now there are suggestions that the mother should come and live with us so that my wife can give her proper care. I believe that her living with us and seeing her grandchildren will help her. And indeed i have no problem accepting her, but when i remember the treatment my wife gave to my mum, there is a strong revulsion, in fact, anger in me. I shared with a friend, and he advised i forgive my wife, but the revulsion is so strong that i would feel cheated if i agreed.

What do you guys think. She reminded me then that marriage was between a man and his wife only. Shouldn't this also apply to my wife now?

Don't allow her mom to come over, she should go and live with her mom.

You already have kids together, why are you still allowing a woman to dictate to you? All these BS in marriage sha.

cococandy:
When sick and old in-laws come to love with the family, the expectation is that the wife will be the one to provide care for the sick and old family member. So your wife should have the final say on who’s coming for extended say in my opinion.

Because let’s face it, your wife would have been the one to give your mom bed baths, bathroom care etc. now that her mom is coming, she’s still the one who will be expected to do that. Not you.

So it might not be the presence of your mom she didn’t want. She just didn’t want the extra responsibility which invariably falls on her. Before you ask why she can’t treat your mom the way she treats her mom, know that her mom will be willing to die for her but your mom won’t. That’s the difference

Okwu ihuru extra responsibility and care, she still won't take up any.

Her primary duty is to care for my family, since I couldn't negotiate for same with my mother, she too by her own precedents can't as well.

It's the equaliser effects. Cos if she had taken in her mother in-law, op would have assumed some more domestic responsibilities to ensure there's enough cushion on her, now she wants to stress baba. Make kitipa blind op if him simp on this matter.

She has other siblings, let them care for their mom, money no be problem, op will provide.

What a narcissistic and inconsiderate level of self entitlement? Bia op, thunder is pressing up already to devour you if you don't strike back. Imagine someone who threw your mom out until her death, let her mom die too the world will not end.

shantti:
Yet the same men go about marrying girls with no job and catering for their every needs.

And those girls stay without jobs permanently? Or you marry them when they are really young so obviously haven’t built a career yet maybe provide for a few years while they build a career. But anything more than that she’s a liability bla bla bla.

Remember the slogan his money is our money but my money is my money , sounds familiar? Can u pls tell me the gender that cooked up this slogan and the reason for doing that?

a joke that has no real place in today’s society. If you doubt me ask your fellow me what they think of a dependent wife. Don’t ask me. Create a thread and ask them. That’s if you’re ready for the truth.

How many Nigerian ladies are stable, how many if them do not use relationships as a means of livelihood. A typical Nigerian boyfriend not even husband will subscribe for his girlfriend, fill her gas, buy her soap and cream, buy her clothes, buy her foodstuffs, and even buy pad for her. Now imagine the load husbands carry. If they had jobs would they be leeching on men. Let a typical Nigeria man go broke, he will realize the true color of his wife, or girlfriend. You know what am saying is true, u can't deny this.

only on nairaland. In real life, Nigerian women are out there in the streets with the men hustling for daily living like everyone else even in pregnancy and childbirth.

Many female nairalanders like EriNma has created threads on how they can't marry broke guys. They only desire rich guys to leech on. What they failed to mention what how much they would be bringing to the table. They believe in the African notion of males being the sole providers with females being the sole spender of males money. A broke girl desires a rich man, what does that tell you? It means she wants a man who will cater for her every needs.

Are you sure I am still the one lying?

Rich men are few and far between. So while that may be a desire for some people, it’s not a reality for you guys. In reality the hundreds of millions Nigerians living in poverty every single day have wives. I don’t know what to tell you if this simple FACTUAL STATEMENT is confounding you.

@bold, that would have been the ideal thing but I highly doubt it.

Ask me how I know. I know from reading the things you guys post on here. Any expectation that a man should take on domestic responsibility is vehemently condemned as emasculating. It’s considered a woke western ideology that will kill the soul of the family to have a man contribute domestically in his own home he claims to love

I didn’t make up those situations in my head. It’s the things you guys type here that provided information for such conclusions.

cassyrooy:
Okwu ihuru extra responsibility and care, she still won't take up any.

Her primary duty is to care for my family, since I couldn't negotiate for same with my mother, she too by her own precedents can't as well.

It's the equaliser effects. Cos if she had taken in her mother in-law, op would have assumed some more domestic responsibilities to ensure there's enough cushion on her, now she wants to stress baba. Make kitipa blind op if him simp on this matter.

She has other siblings, let them care for their mom, money no be problem, op will provide.

What a narcissistic and inconsiderate level of self entitlement? Bia op, thunder is pressing up already to devour you if you don't strike back. Imagine someone who threw your mom out until her death, let her mom die too the world will not end.

Even the golden rule says it all.

Whatever you sow you reap.

What's good for the geese is also good for......?

ozalogbo:
I am the first child of my mother, and I have two younger male siblings. I am doing well financially. My wife is the last of four children in her family. My dad died when I was still in the university, and this affected my mum.

However, as she aged, her health waned. She was a retired teacher. My brothers are not in the country. Both of them are in Europe. I wanted to have my mother stay with me in her later years because of her health and loneliness but my wife did not want it.

Whenever she was ill and I brought her home to be with us, my wife was usually hostile, especially if my mum had stayed beyond a week. She did not hid her disapproval, and this caused problems in the marriage. People advised that I should send my mum away and pay someone to live with her and take care of her. They said that marriage was between a man and his wife, not between a man, his wife, and his mother. I did and peace returned. Eventually my mum passed on after a few years.

Along the line, my father in law also died. And down the line, my mother in law's health began to deteriorate. We live in the same town. Among my wife's siblings she is the only one doing quite well. Now there are suggestions that the mother should come and live with us so that my wife can give her proper care. I believe that her living with us and seeing her grandchildren will help her. And indeed i have no problem accepting her, but when i remember the treatment my wife gave to my mum, there is a strong revulsion, in fact, anger in me. I shared with a friend, and he advised i forgive my wife, but the revulsion is so strong that i would feel cheated if i agreed.

What do you guys think. She reminded me then that marriage was between a man and his wife only. Shouldn't this also apply to my wife now?

You must nip this your wife’s bad behavior in the bud, because tomorrow might be too late. She is selfish & lacks empathy. She didn’t consider your mother as the woman who caused her to have a husband. In my country we say that if you love a cow, you must love the rope that’s tied to the cow as well. It’s an inconvenience to her to take care of your mother, but suddenly becomes convenient when the same applies to her family. You need to stand up as a man. With that behavior she showed, God forbid if someone from your family needs help in the future, she’ll oppose and you won’t be able to stop it. Teach her a lesson now, so that she can learn to live and tolerate other people.She should also hire a caregiver for her mother. Nonsense!

Karma is a bitch ... remind her of why your mother couldn't stay for a week ... remind her that the home is for husband and wife only... remind her that you were the only child around.... your mother had no alterna6..... remind her that she has siblings around... she can find alternatives ... then tell her what house rules applied to your mother must also apply to her mother..... and that's final.

same it was not the guys mother that offend her, DIL , always hare MIL

EriMma1:
I would have told you to do what is in your mind but then, it wasn't the mother who offended you but your wife. Besides you had the choice to let your mother stay with you but you succumbed to your wife and let her will prevail. So don't treat the old woman badly because of her daughters sins.

Forgive and let the old woman come. After all she would be the one to do all the care job, not you.

Exactly well said. In as much as they told you marriage is supposed to be between husband and wife and not husband wife and mother then she should be ready to dance to the same music. A wife thay feels hostile towards the mother of her husband to me is no wife, just get a little problem she is gone. If you had not been well brought up and trained by that same mother she is acting hostile towards today snd not been grateful to her for giving her the best husband will she see you to marry today Anyone that told you otherwise is hypocrite. Capital No, as long as you were not okay with her decision but you still went ahead to do just her wish and she becomes happy, she Dare not even change the rule this time.

MrBrownJay1:
if the above is how your wife felt about your own mother coming to stay with you guys, then she has NO RIGHT to expect her own mother to come stay with you guys... NONE!

ozalogbo:
I am the first child of my mother, and I have two younger male siblings. I am doing well financially. My wife is the last of four children in her family. My dad died when I was still in the university, and this affected my mum.

However, as she aged, her health waned. She was a retired teacher. My brothers are not in the country. Both of them are in Europe. I wanted to have my mother stay with me in her later years because of her health and loneliness but my wife did not want it.

Whenever she was ill and I brought her home to be with us, my wife was usually hostile, especially if my mum had stayed beyond a week. She did not hid her disapproval, and this caused problems in the marriage. People advised that I should send my mum away and pay someone to live with her and take care of her. They said that marriage was between a man and his wife, not between a man, his wife, and his mother. I did and peace returned. Eventually my mum passed on after a few years.

Along the line, my father in law also died. And down the line, my mother in law's health began to deteriorate. We live in the same town. Among my wife's siblings she is the only one doing quite well. Now there are suggestions that the mother should come and live with us so that my wife can give her proper care. I believe that her living with us and seeing her grandchildren will help her. And indeed i have no problem accepting her, but when i remember the treatment my wife gave to my mum, there is a strong revulsion, in fact, anger in me. I shared with a friend, and he advised i forgive my wife, but the revulsion is so strong that i would feel cheated if i agreed.

What do you guys think. She reminded me then that marriage was between a man and his wife only. Shouldn't this also apply to my wife now?

If you allow her to come and stay with your people then you have shown foolishness. And it will be a clear sign that you have no regard for your mum. You see no woman in this world will stop my mum from staying in my house if I want. If she don't want, then she will leave.

Nothing like remorse, that is late already. Who knows if the mother in law would have had extended years seeing his son too. The husband was soft in the first instance, I hope he will be strong to take the right decision now too cos it's just a No, especially if ever the ehn marriage is for husband and wife talk ever came from the wife, I would remind her of the same statement and kill the discussion asap.

Neweramify:
Op your wife was wrong, but try and understand her fear. Most women feel inconvenient around their mother inlaw. Not because she hates her mother inlaw but for the fear of the unknown.

Let her know how you feel knowing she wanna bring her mum in when she rejected your mum. I'm sure she will feel remorse of her action.

Permit her to bring her mum, cause if anything happen to the old woman, she may accuse you of one thing or the other.

MrBrownJay1:
if the above is how your wife felt about your own mother coming to stay with you guys, then she has NO RIGHT to expect her own mother to come stay with you guys... NONE!

the Bible talks about forgiveness na.wr should LEARN to forgive each other's shortcomings because as long as we're in various relationships with each other,we will offend EACH other.moreover marriage is about forgiveness again na her money she go use take care of her mama not his money, resources or time

Imagine the resentment the woman will have if he didn't allow her mother and the mother now died because of lack of care.it Will definitely affect everything pertaining to that marriage- their sex life, communication, finance etc.so the disaster unforgiveness will do is worse

cococandy:
@bold, that would have been the ideal thing but I highly doubt it.

Ask me how I know. I know from reading the things you guys post on here. Any expectation that a man should take on domestic responsibility is vehemently condemned as emasculating. It’s considered a woke western ideology that will kill the soul of the family to have a man contribute domestically in his own home he claims to love

I didn’t make up those situations in my head. It’s the things you guys type here that provided information for such conclusions.

Consider my input an excellent exception to your derived assumptions "based on my gender posts on Nairaland".

I no dey post based on some wannabe ideology, I cook for my female friends, sisters, Aunts and anywhere I come to be so chanced to do so, even though, I'm "equipped with limited skills".

The position should be a sweet-smiling no for the wife. I no want make OP reason much cos, that woman no deserve am at all.

Wonderful

cassyrooy:
Consider my input an excellent exception to your derived assumptions "based on my gender posts on Nairaland".

I no dey post based on some wannabe ideology, I cook for my female friends, sisters, Aunts and anywhere I come to be so chanced to do so, even though, I'm "equipped with limited skills".

The position should be a sweet-smiling no for the wife. I no want make OP reason much cos, that woman no deserve am at all.

Impera:
Tell your wife your mother's ghost visited you and told you you will die a horrible death suddenly if you allow your mother in law to move in with you

Oshe Baba Nla. Na beta yarns you drop like this.

cococandy:
look at your username

If you ever quote me again ogun go strike your slacked, overused kpekus

Don’t allow her mother to come. Her mother can equally cause problem in your marriage. How she reacted to your mother is a signal of her upbringing. You don’t want a hostile mother in law in your house. Let the mother go and stay with her other children. And support from there. Don’t do more than the others are doing. You also have your own mother to care for. So her mother as a full time liability is not possible. Her other siblings will leave all the gbese on your neck.

Nemesis0147:
u are sick!!
OP don’t allow her bring her old mother into your house…marriage is between you and your wife and not between you,your wife and her mother!!

Since your wife is doing well financially too.,,let her pay someone to be taking care of her mother too!!
Wetin dy do all these men?
Who peace help?
She didn’t consider peace when she was being hostile to your own mother…MENT!!

@OP,I can only imagine how disappointed your mother must have felt that time!!

True, your last sentence made me emotional