Look Aunty You hv been tricked,deceived and scammed!! Divorce or seperation isn't hard to finalize in Nigeria? If the Wife was that terrible He would have divorced Her since!; I almost fell into that trap too man Men are dubious and lies a lot I won't say it's Nigerian Men only since I haven't dated Men frm other Countries or other Race though Most Women too are unfaithful and liars.

Men if you are interested in Sex only declare it and if it's Marriage you want or can Stl lead to that after declare it frm this start stop leading People's daughters on and using Marriage as a pretest to Sleep with Ladies!!

And did He propose Marriage to you as in you should be His 2nd Wife? Because I didn't read that from your write up but if He did being a 3nd Wife shouldn't be a bad Idea Since you and the 1st Wife lives Countries apart.

Blakjewelry:

People fall for soul not appearance, infact if you have a friend that is not handsome over time you won't give it a thought.

But the appearance turned her off at first, lady do fall for appearances and money and sometimes your kindness. Watin concern girls wa no sabi u with your soul

Someone should please help me summarize this Indian film, I don't have time to read it.


What caused the break up?

Jackie999:
No need. I'm built fairly ok and I would consider myself pretty. That should suffice for your assessment

ok oo

Jackie999:
He is unwilling. His father has apologised and explained the societal implications for them as a family in the village etc so I know it's not a possibility as he will also lose access to his kids.

I respect it, and I'll keep it moving

All that is BS. Societal implications and losing access to his kids. We are not in the 60’s.
That said, you have invested in him and that’s painful but you also felt what it feels to be loved. You appear to be strong and you’ll recover . I mean , you don’t come across as someone who should play second fiddle. So either understand the terms of relationships which is just a fling /affair but if you want something serious , it’ can’t be with him

ChybuzzDD:


If you think a med practitioner/surgeon practising abroad and doing, in a day, the amount of work lazy people like you do in a month is jobless or not gainfully employed, then you're the illiterate i previously described you as.

Just accept that reading is not in your nature, and don't make case for the rest of Nigerians.

I started reading voraciously as early as in SS1, finishing books as big as Modern Biology, PN Okeke's Physics, Ababio(chemistry), Nelson textbook of physics, etc, multiple times before my WAEC.

So, finishing that little write-up under 2mins, while still multitasking, is nothing to me.

Finishing it under 2 minutes without comprehending it is of no value my brother⚠️

First of all, I never made a case for all Nigerians in my comment.... I said 95% of Nigerians which means you could be an exception of the remaining 5%

Secondly, i didn't say NIGERIANS or myself don't like reading, i said we don't like reading long stories that are not useful to us or that don't involve money.

But instead of comprehending my points like a supposed literate, you dived my comment like a hungry lion looking for a bush meat, simply because you want to be noticed, and we all know who come be illiterate now😀😀

Oshey🙌🏽.... i don see you oga medicine and surge abroad based😅😅😅

I'm just pitying your patients because your type fit dey forget needles and razor for person body 😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Breakingnews101:

This isn't true. That your didn't read this (well-written) post doesn't mean this applies to everyone. Stop projecting your parochial views and reality on everyone else. Nigerians are a diverse people, with various grades on the intellectual scale. Some smart, others quite frankly daft!
If you don't mind OP, how old are you? Your age will influence the advice I give. An age range will suffice...

You must be among the daft Nigerians i tell you⚠️

Because any intelligence fellow that goes through my comment will first of all, notice that i never generalized everyone... I simply said most Nigerians like 95% wouldn't read the write up.

When someone says 95%, is that in any way a generalization

You want to advice OP? Lol

Please what advice could a clearly dumb fellow like you give to OP?😂😂😂😅

Bride price is not something one person can return, you need to consult your kindred with enough reasons and also is more difficult when children is involved.nobody will send his wife home without any tangible reason , the consequence is huge.another thing is that ,is your husband ready for second wife ?

If your boyfriend throughly loves you,he should marry you ,and start a business for his Nigerian wife then build on your lives there in south Africa , just maintain good relationship with everybody . the Nigerian wife is the one that will be begging for attention .

Igbo culture is the reason the have lowest divorce rate in Nigeria

Jackie999:
He explained that about the Igbo culture. And his father too.

But why can't a person just return the bride price if his no longer happy?

But does that mean that personal happiness doesn't matter?

Why would a woman insist on staying in a marriage where there was no love or any form of romance?

It's confusing to me but I respect it 100%.

Good lessons learned.

yesloaded:


Less than 1month old account

Creating thread to cause ethnic war

Kontinue

Some of una get serious problems. So saying her man is Igbo, means there should be ethnic wars. Infact, I read every comment before yours and I didn't even remember the man was igbo until I saw your comment.

You need HELP

He has made a mistake in the past and as someone you love you should give him assistance. If he had met before marrying his wicked wife, I'm sure he would have married you. You don't have to leave him now that he has found genuine love in you. What if you didn't find out he's married. He needs to divorce the wife for his safety, not just to marry you. Maybe you should return to him and start afresh.

ericmor:


But the appearance turned her off at first, lady do fall for appearances and money and sometimes your kindness. Watin concern girls wa no sabi u with your soul

Relationship gets deeper when you actually comes close to a person, that is the soul we are talking about. Many times it's not all about beauty and handsomeness besides she didn't say the guy is ugly just probably not catchy because maybe he was low on cash.
Some people have this addictive nature that once you come too close you are hooked, I am one such kind so I know.

When it comes to matters of the heart, it can be really tricky.
But, I must say you did well to break up with him considering the importance of your values.
For the guy, you're a gem cos you came into his life and changed his life for better.
The reality is that, as a Nigerian man already married with kids back home in Nigeria, culturally, he might never be able to divorce his wife for you especially with the children factor added to it. He probably made a promise to the wife before leaving the country to seek greener pastures.
He might genuinely love you more than his wife and be willing to even marry you as a second wife which even the first wife will have to accept and understand considering your contributions to their lives.
However, leaving his first wife might do more harm to him in many ways I would not want to go into detail.
And, by that I mean spiritually, financially, morally, emotionally and physically.
Eventually, if anything happens to him and you are still in the picture, it will affect you directly or indirectly.
If you can move on with your life, please try to and use the experience as a once in a lifetime opportunity to have enjoyed love and learned from it. Truth is, love is a beautiful thing. It's about giving and receiving. You have given and enjoyed receiving.
So, keep the good memories and thrash the bad ones.
Naija guys are sweet but they come with a lot baggage.
If you like having complexities, adventure, surprises, risk, pain and tears as a whole package, I bet you they will give you more than you asked for. But then again, you might just find the gentle naija guy without any issues or baggage. Its fate. Sometimes, society makes us give a damn about things that really don't matter.
In conclusion, do what makes you happy. Find happiness and ensure you live it. It's what you deserve. It's what counts.
Peace!!!

Blakjewelry:

Relationship gets deeper when you actually comes close to a person, that is the soul we are talking about. Many times it's not all about beauty and handsomeness besides she didn't say the guy is ugly just probably not catchy because maybe he was low on cash.
Some people have this addictive nature that once you come too close you are hooked, I am one such kind so I know.

Me did not kuku read all the long story but I know she will come back and still complain

Jackie999:
Hi all.

I want to start off with a few important pointers/ disclaimers.

1. I am NOT Nigerian and do not claim to know everything about Nigeria.
2. Please do not be xenophobic or rude to me. I'm not strong enough lol
3. I will be as respectful as possible💞
4. I'll call the man in the story "Sam"

Okay so I'm a lady from a Southern African country. I met a Nigerian man who came here for "japa"/ "looking for better opportunities". I met him after he had arrived within 2months. I was walking into the club with my friends and he was in a vehicle with his friends. The driver stopped me to greet and he said hello. Sam greeted me and the driver asked for my number on his behalf lol. It was cute.

First thoughts, he was handsome in the face but definitely not anyone I'd be interested in talking to. He was unkept and clearly struggling financially just from his appearance. Anyway, he called that night to see if I'd be willing to chill with him and his friends, and I agreed. They came back around. He came into my car but I was put off by him telling me I'm so beautiful, calling me babe and saying "I'd wish to kiss you". Omg I was sooooo freaked out. Anyway I told him to leave my car and never call me again. Within an hour, my car's tyre burst ON THE flipping HIGHWAY😲. I called my father but he was almost 2 hours away so I called him and he came within 20minutes. Him nd his brothers came and fixed it for me.

From that day, we spoke and discussed every single day. I had never been with a Nigerian man or any serious relationship before but I liked him. I supported him financially for the longest time because I saw potential in him. I bought him his firs new clothes here, took him to all the nice places, and helped him with personal hygiene etc. I saw him as a friend. He is genuinely a good good person and I fell for his soul. His just so normal and pure. I am considered pretty, intelligent and independent so I won't lie and say that I can't find anyone else but he has my heart tbh.

Everything was going good but after 3months of being together everyday, he obviously wanted the Bleep. It was such a huge deal for me because I take that seriously. But anyway our relationship progressed in that direction - positively.

He would share the little money he had with me and food with me etc if I had recklessly spent my money etc lol. I was giving him a salary to start a business. Mind you, I studied psychology and I'm smart enough to know when I'm being scammed just because I'm a paranoid/anxious detective type naturally 🙈 anyway, we had the most incredible times and I know without a Shadow of a doubt he loves me.

Fast forward 2 months then I find that he is married with 3 kids. I knew about the kids - after finding out. Buti understand why he'd be hesitant to share that. My father is from a polygamous home so I do have strong feelings about that arrangement and single probably thought it's a bad idea to tell me. Well I found out, I was upset af. But I got over it. He never forced me to or anything but I genuinely thought I'd figure it out.

Well it's been 3 years. We have NEVER argued once about anything. We have the most compatible personalities. His calm, sweet and soft spoken. Same with me. His business is doing good and he has put me on a salary as I resigned, and want to start a business.

Nigerian men are the hill I'm willing to die in lol. I had Nigerian friends in the past (Yoruba) but Igbo men are just built different. They're natural born providers. I have access to his phones and vice versa. He knows everything about me and so do I. Including his marital issues (which are unfortunately plenty).

I know my family would not accept me marrying him although my mom adores him. My father would probably have a heart attack. They worked hard for us to be very well balanced, mentally strong women so I'm so surprised that I landed up in this position. I have an incredible family and lack nothing. Financially, emotionally, mentally... Everythingally...my family is able to provide.

Maybe because his my first actual relationship, I am failing to see the big picture. Truth is... I know he'll forever care for me but I also know that his wife only loves him for money, and uses his children against him. She literally told him she'd use juju on him and deny him access to the children if he leaves her.

I thought it'd be easy. Divorce in my country is so accessible and in a situation where a husband has suffered immeasurable abuse from a woman, he definitely has grounds to divorce her. Mind you, I know this because I went through his old messages from 8+ years ago and she was always berating him, accusing him, being hot and cold etc. She's so ungrateful and her only obsession is money. She compared him to Obi Cubana😅 calling out his supposed incompetence. Well I don't know, men aren't just money. They're people with feelings and lives, they deserve love regardless.

For an example, we bought his dad motorcycle and she complained that her dad didn't get one 😩 him and I are now financially good and blessed but I know deep in my soul that I cannot be a second wife.

This post is because I broke up with him yesterday and I know for a fact his not allowed to divorce since this was a marriage introduced by his dad. She has a child from another relationship but nobody even knows. I mean she's a liar liar. He knows but his family don't. And the kids is like 15.

Anyway, I wasn't to know what you guys think of this situation. Just chat honestly. I know he won't divorce and she would kill him but I also don't know what it's like to be a second wife or partner to a Nigerian. It sounds like a really bad idea because I like being the only one for my baby.

Normally I don't comment on relationship issues, but I see you are a beautiful soul, but you are also confused and conflicted. Besides, I don't like the bashing and bad name Nigerian men are receiving. So I am writing this advice to stop you from making a grave mistake and to redeem the image of Nigerian men.

Before I start let me give you a fundamental advice.
You happiness should be your utmost concern and goal - not your family, not societal norms, not what others think. It your life, and only you will suffer the consequences of your decisions.

Having gotten that of my chest, my candid advice is to Marry him (as an second wife) if certain conditions are met.

Let me give my reasons.
First of all Nigerian men are very hard working men. They can do almost anything to make it - both legally and illegally. Now most take the legal route, a few take the illegal way.

The main reason Nigerian men japa is to make it. Opportunities for making it in Nigeria is very slim and so they need to japa to countries with better opportunities. Now, to find your foot in foreign lands, you need help, and the most sure and reliable help is a relationship. A love relationship with a fairly well to do lady will provide the stability and financial start up to quickly make it. This was where you came in. You help the guy start up and he is now in a very stable financial position. In a few years he will even be 10 times better off than he is today. To me it does not make sense for you to leave now after investing so much resources and emotions on him. Believe me if you stick with him, you will reap bountifully from him both financially, emotionally and family wise.

Now let's get back to the polygamy concerns. Even though polygamy is undesirable and presents its own challenges, it's a fact of life. Over half of marriages experiences either direct polygamy or indirect one. The indirect one is the issue of side chicks/ mistresses and baby mamas. These indirect polygamy is as old as time itself. It's only hidden in western nations. One way the west hides polygamy is by making divorce relatively easy. In europe and the US a woman can divorce and remarry another person within a year. In Nigeria and in most African societies divorce is very difficult and tedious. The two families are involved, it involves ceremonies and the return of bride price. Even the courts frown at divorce. Divorced women and their families are stigmatised.

Anyway my final advice is to sit down with the guy and give him conditions for you to agree to marry him. You marriage is in South Africa and the other one is in Nigeria - the two should never mix. I hope the Nigerian marriage is traditional only and yours should be court wedding. Court wedding supercedes traditional marriage in terms of rights. Properties and assets obtained in the course of your marriage in South Africa should be jointly owned and controlled.

I had a neighbour that was in this exact situation. The husband japa to the US and married into a rich family without revealing to the US wife he was already married with 2 kids in Nigeria. When the US wife eventually got to know, she did not divorce him. She only laid the ground rules I listed above. Today they are stinking rich and everybody is happy.

I know I am not making sense and many feminists will come for my head.

Jackie999:
How?

Sis!!
Run for your dear life. You are being played. Surely there must be better south African men. Put your degree to good use

Jackie999

wao, I admire your level of honesty and reason. Most ladies will turn out to have feminist traits if they have same level of exposure or intelligence as you. You have a soo mature sense of reason, and most Nigerian Men crave for someone like you as a Wife.

I'll make a few points.

A commited Man is a committed Man. The fact He doesnt want to divorce shows he's mind is still with the other Woman. forget the flimsy excuses.

Do you think He'll have any intention to reconcile with His Nigerian Wife when you are clearly fullfilling His dream wifely duties to Him in another World, Put yourself in His shoes for a moment, You wouldnt unless your values and convictions oppose that.

Also, He has nothing to loose while you have a whole lot to loose either married or unmarried to Him.

Thirdly, The complexity of interacial married coupled with the fact that He's been Married.

A Smart Nigerian Man would definitely love and help a Smart Independent, Industrous and Intelligent Lady.

I know, sometimes you think of what the future holds in.terms of getting something as close to His Kind, But I beleive thats not what marriage is all about. You'll only reduce your chances of falling in Love more so getting married.

Lastly, How sure are you that you wouldnt be in the Wife's shoes tommorrow.

so forget the past, revirginize yourself, get closer to God, and I assure you, youll look back and see how naive you were to fall for this Man.

Wishing you the Best.

Jackie999:
I wish it was just about love. He has responsibilities and the way their marriage happened is also another issue. His father arranged the lady for him. The lady is a family friend of his father's. So those loyalties. And she has threatened him over and over again. Any small post on WhatsApp and she's losing her mind. Accusing him of forgetting about them in Nigeria which is ridiculous because he does everything for his family. Idk but I cannot force anyone to do anything. Neither should I wish to

he should forget those loyalties or family friend issues.. if he has the proof of she threatening him etc, he can use that in court.

People will say, law does not work in Nigeria but to be real, the law truly works. He needs to establish his responsibilities which is the kids he has. He needs to show proof of child support payment, he needs to put a restraining order between him and his wife cause she has threatened him. He needs to also show proof he is not staying with her for a year. This will help in his divorce process faster .. all this he can use to show to the police and court system.

If he is ready, he must do what is necessary and he should not look into family. The girls family will understand once he can show proof of her insults, vodoo behavior, and her threats..

Trojan8:


Some of una get serious problems. So saying her man is Igbo, means there should be ethnic wars. Infact, I read every comment before yours and I didn't even remember the man was igbo until I saw your comment.

You need HELP

You don't know what's happening in nairaland

Don't be surprised op is a Nigerian and not igbo tribe in any way

Some people now create fake thread with the sole aim of causing ethnic war

Well well well.

Does he send money to his kids Igbo men don't joke with their children u said it yourself they her providers. You sure say no be citizen hm dey find

RealEzee:
polygamy also exist among igbos

Okay sir. But I guess they are not many and it's not a popular practice. Cos I hardly see or hear of it.

Did anyone read that what did she says. Explain

What do you want?

What is it you don’t want?



Answer both questions, then we would know what advice to give

Sorry to hear that.

Ok you've been here for a while. I hope things are looking up for you

ghettochild4u:

Been here since April 9 2017.
Thought I had found love in SA...
But I was wrong.....
I was played big time.
That's past tense tho.

This is very interesting. I have no interest in showing it to him or discussing because I've made my decision. Truth is, he may divorce her now out of pressure which will have long term implications. Almost like I am forcing myself onto him which is really bad. Or because he wants to keep me, he may agree with his wife to fool me and they plot to Act as of they're divorcing or whatever. Although super unlikely because of his character. Anything done under duress is not love. I will never give my partner an ultimatum. If he discovers this legal information on his own, great!

360command:
he should forget those loyalties or family friend issues.. if he has the proof of she threatening him etc, he can use that in court.

People will say, law does not work in Nigeria but to be real, the law truly works. He needs to establish his responsibilities which is the kids he has. He needs to show proof of child support payment, he needs to put a restraining order between him and his wife cause she has threatened him. He needs to also show proof he is not staying with her for a year. This will help in his divorce process faster .. all this he can use to show to the police and court system.

If he is ready, he must do what is necessary and he should not look into family. The girls family will understand once he can show proof of her insults, vodoo behavior, and her threats..

You're right. My father is a very decisive, strong minded man and I think this makes it even more difficult to believe or entertain my guys excuses. Men will cross oceans for a woman they truly love. I can't imagine my father being double minded about my mother.

So even hearing about how the wife's brothers may kill him (the one is actually a gangster in my country. Allegedly) is off putting.

There's just no reason big enough when you truly love someone. I'm stable minded and pretty sensible so I know his not afraid of me leaving him or backstabbing him after he makes these sacrifices, so it leads me to believe that he wants to benefit from having a CHILD MINDER and someone to take care of him here

rickleye:


All that is BS. Societal implications and losing access to his kids. We are not in the 60’s.
That said, you have invested in him and that’s painful but you also felt what it feels to be loved. You appear to be strong and you’ll recover . I mean , you don’t come across as someone who should play second fiddle. So either understand the terms of relationships which is just a fling /affair but if you want something serious , it’ can’t be with him

Yeah makes sense. You figured it out. Send the police to arrest me. I'll send you gate code😩

yesloaded:


You don't know what's happening in nairaland

Don't be surprised op is a Nigerian and not igbo tribe in any way

Some people now create fake thread with the sole aim of causing ethnic war

Yes very well. Consistently. They lack nothing. I also send things for them just out of consideration like cute things they'd appreciate. His a caring father and we send the lady a salary too. So they are not struggling in anyway. The lady just never gets satisfied. The appetite for money is just too high.

.

Alphiegabe:
Does he send money to his kids Igbo men don't joke with their children u said it yourself they her providers. You sure say no be citizen hm dey find

I need to be very clear and say that he may be tricking me now or deceiving me now for whatever purpose. BUT he never once used marriage to lure me in or persuade me to sleep with him. Marriage isn't that important to me and I don't have pressure from my parents to marry so it's not even something we discussed until about 6 months ago.

I will move on swiftly because from what I'm seeing... It's a no win situation FOR ME

ultraviolet27:
Look Aunty You hv been tricked,deceived and scammed!! Divorce or seperation isn't hard to finalize in Nigeria? If the Wife was that terrible He would have divorced Her since!; I almost fell into that trap too man Men are dubious and lies a lot I won't say it's Nigerian Men only since I haven't dated Men frm other Countries or other Race though Most Women too are unfaithful and liars.

Men if you are interested in Sex only declare it and if it's Marriage you want or can Stl lead to that after declare it frm this start stop leading People's daughters on and using Marriage as a pretest to Sleep with Ladies!!

And did He propose Marriage to you as in you should be His 2nd Wife? Because I didn't read that from your write up but if He did being a 3nd Wife shouldn't be a bad Idea Since you and the 1st Wife lives Countries apart.

I was told it's a common practice for Igbos😒

Idaytesj29:


Okay sir. But I guess they are not many and it's not a popular practice. Cos I hardly see or hear of it.

Lol yessssss, it's a good country. Although there are many challenges. Overall though, the people are friendly

SonofGod231:
All I can say is "I love south Africa gon" If there's any place I ever want to revisit it is Southy. The place and it's bannies cannot be overrated ohh. Who no go no know.