I think the underlying issues are multifaceted. I believe you love this guy but you have not set out clearly what your expectations are. The foundation of your problem may also lie in a lack of communication. Firstly, with regard to him watching porn on your computer- you need to work out what actually upset you. Are you upset because he watched it without telling you or because he watched it at all. I ask because, if it is the latter, that may be a huge problem. You need to ask yourself whether you are willing to marry a man who watches porn? If it is the former, then you both need to communicate more. Secondly, how is it that you were unaware of the contents of the gift boxes? I think the contents should have been discussed before he took it to your home. If you genuinely love someone, you can both agree on the value of the contents, the value should not really matter if both parties agree. To an extent, I understand how you feel, if the guy is capable of buying better gifts but chooses not to, it may make you feel like he does not value you. However, if his explanation that he felt that you would not receive them in any event is genuine, he may have bought those gifts with the best intentions. Either way, both of you need to have a long and honest chat about your expectations going forward, that is, if you feel you wish to remain in the relationship. Because a man travels to see you in the US or that you have dated for 7 years does not mean you have to remain in the relationship. Think long and hard about what you really want.

Some one on this thread said sum tin dat just wrapped it up for the OP.....
"U ARE BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP NOT A FACTORY!!!"

Hamature:


After saying this, you still went ahead to tell her to leave

My little piece oga.... I had to, marriage is not by force. It takes two to tangle and two people to agree. Y would she be fighting when the guy has made up his mind.. ..like I said earlier there is someone better on the way.. One of the problem with have is believing we can't see someone better than who we are currently dating irrespective of our many years we have spent together.
U can met someone who will change all that like dey never existed. Na matter of time jare

PatriotTemidayo:
Every piece of advice am about to give is curled out of your write-up. First, I think you think too highly of yourself and less about him. Secondly, picking a fight over him watching porn describe you as Naive and close-minded cus like you've said, you're in the US and he's in Nigeria, how else did you think he survived? Thirdly, you do not appreciate the fact that while you're busy pursuing you personal educational agendas, he was very understanding for waiting for you, that was a big sacrifice.
Lastly, you live in the US and called Nigeria's Item inferior? That's absolute ignorance. I think your parents and family are top used to very expensive and imported items that they forgot that stuffs in Nigeria ain't exactly the same quality as that of the US, and I am sure your people just wanna make an issue for this. I think they got another hidden suitor someone and I think they suddenly think your man of 7 years is not worthy of their heavy investment who is now a PhD in-making.

Think.

You said they dont wanna sell you so why should box of gold matter?

If they don't wanna collect so much money from his family, so how much does a box of gold cost?

As far as am concerned, he has the right to break up with your ass cuz you've been so carried away with the word "YOU" that you forget you're trying to build a relationship, and not a factory.

Don't blame him, but make amend. And make it humbly. Your doctorate degree, your Green card and your family and stuffs wouldn't help you get a man. He was your man b4 you got to this level, be wise.

You Sha get time

OP, I guess you are the first/only daughter and you are igbo. First daughters are a symbol of pride and I get where your mum is coming from. Your boyfriend I believe after seven years should have known the kind of family you come from and so should have known the type of gifts to bring. Most of the people commenting here wont dare bring cheap/fake wine to their prospective in-laws. Its because you mentioned gold thats why their mouths are running. As the poster before me said, whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. How can you buy cheap items for the girl you want to marry knowing very well her family background? Its like buying cheap ankara you know her mother will never ever wear. Where is the pride in that? How many of you guys bought cheap ankara instead of hollandis for your prospective mother in laws? You saw that ankara was cheaper but that element of respect wont allow you buy the cheap ankara.

I am not saying he should have bought things he ordinarily cannot afford like a car or the most expensive wristwatches but have some respect for the parents of your future wife. Imagine buying something so cheap for your prospective inlaws that the very next day it starts to peel off, wont that be embarrassing? For the mum to have sent the items to the girl, it means she was trying to prove that she was not exaggerating. The guy even admitted that he didnt know the items will get to the girl which means he knew they were cheap items..maybe from Yaba or Tejuosho.

This is not the normal gift situation where it is not the value but the thought that matters. This is about showing I can take care of your daughter...thats African culture. If OP had fought because she wants Instagram wedding, thats a different story and she can be blamed.

OP you even messed up too. You are supposed to ask what he is taking and plan together so that where you see he is falling short, you add money to it and help him save face in front of your parents. Your manner of approach must have also added to his fury and words must have been said. Next time, try to find a better way to approach the topic, maybe by suggesting he buy additional items and take to your family, you dont have to tell him exactly what your mum said but be tactful and diplomatic. Your mum just wants to be able to show her friends what her prospective son-in-law bought for her especially if you are the only daughter. She may also be worried that he may not be able to take care of you to the standard you were brought up and you may end up being the breadwinner. No parents want their child to suffer.

Your parents obviously dont need his money or his gifts, they need him to show how much he values their daughter and it is obvious from the china gifts he bought just how much he values you.

PatriotTemidayo:
Every piece of advice am about to give is curled out of your write-up. First, I think you think too highly of yourself and less about him. Secondly, picking a fight over him watching porn describe you as Naive and close-minded cus like you've said, you're in the US and he's in Nigeria, how else did you think he survived? Thirdly, you do not appreciate the fact that while you're busy pursuing you personal educational agendas, he was very understanding for waiting for you, that was a big sacrifice.
Lastly, you live in the US and called Nigeria's Item inferior? That's absolute ignorance. I think your parents and family are top used to very expensive and imported items that they forgot that stuffs in Nigeria ain't exactly the same quality as that of the US, and I am sure your people just wanna make an issue for this. I think they got another hidden suitor someone and I think they suddenly think your man of 7 years is not worthy of their heavy investment who is now a PhD in-making.

Think.

You said they dont wanna sell you so why should box of gold matter?

If they don't wanna collect so much money from his family, so how much does a box of gold cost?

As far as am concerned, he has the right to break up with your ass cuz you've been so carried away with the word "YOU" that you forget you're trying to build a relationship, and not a factory.

Don't blame him, but make amend. And make it humbly. Your doctorate degree, your Green card and your family and stuffs wouldn't help you get a man. He was your man b4 you got to this level, be wise.

Couldn't have said it any better. She's selfish

@ Nobody. Just take a step back and think about all that made this work all these years and put that in perspective. Something definately has been working for you guys. But, you need to ask yourself why pick a fight and refer to the things he brought as cheap, that could really pinch a man's ego and nerve. Though you didn't say if he is well to do financially and probably should have brought more than he did for the introduction but you have to realize that communication is key at this junction you guys have reached. The point is you have made him feel like every effort he might make wouldn't count. You can still have a long talk with him and iron things out but in a subtle loving and understanding manner devoid of rancour. Don't give up just yet. If you both love each other then know you both can fight for this love. Nothing good comes easy, no relationship is perfect but true love ROCKS. GOODLUCK.

CoCoLav:
OP, I guess you are the first/only daughter and you are igbo. First daughters are a symbol of pride and I get where your mum is coming from. Your boyfriend I believe after seven years should have known the kind of family you come from and so should have known the type of gifts to bring. Most of the people commenting here wont dare bring cheap/fake wine to their prospective in-laws. Its because you mentioned gold thats why their mouths are running. As the poster before me said, whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. How can you buy cheap items for the girl you want to marry knowing very well her family background? Its like buying cheap ankara you know her mother will never ever wear. Where is the pride in that? How many of you guys bought cheap ankara instead of hollandis for your prospective mother in laws? You saw that ankara was cheaper but that element of respect wont allow you buy the cheap ankara.

I am not saying he should have bought things he ordinarily cannot afford like a car or the most expensive wristwatches but have some respect for the parents of your future wife. Imagine buying something so cheap for your prospective inlaws that the very next day it starts to peel off, wont that be embarrassing? For the mum to have sent the items to the girl, it means she was trying to prove that she was not exaggerating. The guy even admitted that he didnt know the items will get to the girl which means he knew they were cheap items..maybe from Yaba or Tejuosho.

This is not the normal gift situation where it is not the value but the thought that matters. This is about showing I can take care of your daughter...thats African culture. If OP had fought because she wants Instagram wedding, thats a different story and she can be blamed.

OP you even messed up too. You are supposed to ask what he is taking and plan together so that where you see he is falling short, you add money to it and help him save face in front of your parents. Your manner of approach must have also added to his fury and words must have been said. Next time, try to find a better way to approach the topic, maybe by suggesting he buy additional items and take to your family, you dont have to tell him exactly what your mum said but be tactful and diplomatic. Your mum just wants to be able to show her friends what her prospective son-in-law bought for her especially if you are the only daughter. She may also be worried that he may not be able to take care of you to the standard you were brought up and you may end up being the breadwinner. No parents want their child to suffer.

Your parents obviously dont need his money or his gifts, they need him to show how much he values their daughter and it is obvious from the china gifts he bought just how much he values you.

Well said. This is exactly the point of view I've been looking for on this thread. But she should have explained this point to her guy.

CoCoLav:
OP, I guess you are the first/only daughter and you are igbo. First daughters are a symbol of pride and I get where your mum is coming from. Your boyfriend I believe after seven years should have known the kind of family you come from and so should have known the type of gifts to bring. Most of the people commenting here wont dare bring cheap/fake wine to their prospective in-laws. Its because you mentioned gold thats why their mouths are running. As the poster before me said, whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. How can you buy cheap items for the girl you want to marry knowing very well her family background? Its like buying cheap ankara you know her mother will never ever wear. Where is the pride in that? How many of you guys bought cheap ankara instead of hollandis for your prospective mother in laws? You saw that ankara was cheaper but that element of respect wont allow you buy the cheap ankara.

I am not saying he should have bought things he ordinarily cannot afford like a car or the most expensive wristwatches but have some respect for the parents of your future wife. Imagine buying something so cheap for your prospective inlaws that the very next day it starts to peel off, wont that be embarrassing? For the mum to have sent the items to the girl, it means she was trying to prove that she was not exaggerating. The guy even admitted that he didnt know the items will get to the girl which means he knew they were cheap items..maybe from Yaba or Tejuosho.

This is not the normal gift situation where it is not the value but the thought that matters. This is about showing I can take care of your daughter...thats African culture. If OP had fought because she wants Instagram wedding, thats a different story and she can be blamed.

OP you even messed up too. You are supposed to ask what he is taking and plan together so that where you see he is falling short, you add money to it and help him save face in front of your parents. Your manner of approach must have also added to his fury and words must have been said. Next time, try to find a better way to approach the topic, maybe by suggesting he buy additional items and take to your family, you dont have to tell him exactly what your mum said but be tactful and diplomatic. Your mum just wants to be able to show her friends what her prospective son-in-law bought for her especially if you are the only daughter. She may also be worried that he may not be able to take care of you to the standard you were brought up and you may end up being the breadwinner. No parents want their child to suffer.

Your parents obviously dont need his money or his gifts, they need him to show how much he values their daughter and it is obvious from the china gifts he bought just how much he values you.

best advice ever.perfect response. Exactly my sentiments

@ Nobody. Just take a step back and think about all that made this work all these years and put that in perspective. Something definately has been working for you guys. But, you need to ask yourself why pick a fight and refer to the things he brought as cheap, that could really pinch a man's ego and nerve. Though you didn't say if he is well to do financially and probably should have brought more than he did for the introduction but you have to realize that communication is key at this junction you guys have reached. The point is you have made him feel like every effort he might make wouldn't count. You can still have a long talk with him and iron things out but in a subtle loving and understanding manner devoid of rancour. Don't give up just yet. If you both love each other then know you both can fight for this love. Nothing good comes easy, no relationship is perfect but true love ROCKS. GOODLUCK.

@ Nobody. Just take a step back and think about all that made this work all these years and put that in perspective. Something definately has been working for you guys. But, you need to ask yourself why pick a fight and refer to the things he brought as cheap, that could really pinch a man's ego and nerve. Though you didn't say if he is well to do financially and probably should have brought more than he did for the introduction but you have to realize that communication is key at this junction you guys have reached. The point is you have made him feel like every effort he might make wouldn't count. You can still have a long talk with him and iron things out but in a subtle loving and understanding manner devoid of rancour. Don't give up just yet. If you both love each other then know you both can fight for this love. Nothing good comes easy, no relationship is perfect but true love ROCKS. GOODLUCK.

With all the comments av read from guys on this thread, it shows that most of Naija guys still av it in dem. I love those comments so much dt i had to nod my head in approval.. No matter how humourous, responsible, loving etc we try to be, we must never lose that sense of manhood. Kudos guys.
.
If that Op get sense, make she quickly run to that guy and srart doin serious beggin i.e if the guy sef wan take am back nni ooo... Cos me i no fit marry such girl, my man-ego wuld not even allow me date her for that long.
.
She dey yankee, carry yankee mentality wan dey operate for naija parole, na sorry be her middle name.
.
@Op, that ur bf is a good example of a very correct. Go and maary ur parents and expensive Gold

Urukpe:


best advice, between me and u I think the gal family is against the marriage secretly.

Thats the reason why they forwarded the items to her, most likely they forwarded the worst looking of the items and the gal is not too smart to figure it out.

They 2 families belongs to 2 different class group.

neocortex:
His excuse for breaking up is just an excuse, what
he really wish for is a wife that answers "Yes Sir" to
everything he does and you don't happen to fit that
description.
So, let him go for his type.

Next time, don't put your eggs in one basket.

So the excuse isn't enuff
Kuku kill him cos him no buy gold
Tomorrow una go say my family doesn't charge much
So putting ur eggs in one basket is bad
A cheat is just a cheat
No wonder u gals die single

praisehim:


The above is the best advice anyone can give you. Please stop picking fight over trivial things. Reach out to him, I believe you guys love each other in time he is going to calm down. Though you can register your displeasure that you don't like cheap things, but it doesn't worth fighting over.

Wise talk my brother!

CuddleMe:
She's pained cause they can't control the guy the way her family wants. Her entire family is the problem not the fiancé

I folo u to hell.

elfmann:

I folo u to hell.

What are we going to do in hell..LOL

CuddleMe:
What are we going to do in hell..LOL

English language.. don't u love it?

elfmann:

English language.. don't u love it?

Hmmmm...

elfmann:

English language.. don't u love it?

Move on and quote those with good command of English and leave me alone. Stop embarrassing me

Hmmm

Trina0936:

What have you the enlightened one achieved with your enlightenment?? How has it made black nations better? Make we hear word abeg

I believe I was having conversation with someone that can comprehend. But If you have difficulty in understanding my previous post, then good luck to you. However, this is my advice to you. Instead of living your life with inferiority complex of believing that white lifes are better than black, I will advise you to blanch off your melanin, restructure your face and join the white race.

ManTiger:

Thats the reason why they forwarded the items to her, most likely they forwarded the worst looking of the items and the gal is not too smart to figure it out.

They 2 families belongs to 2 different class group.

U are right man

Dear you are the cause of the break up, you value your degrees more than him, imagine, pre-degree, degree, post degree and advanced degree.

You dot have time for him so he resorted to watching porn, this problem is a sex problem.

Dont be surprised he dumped you for an ssce holder who gives him what he wants, my condolence.Just move on.

Its not the quantity o degrees that makes you value to a man, its the willingness to give him your heart and time.

aribisala0:
I . I am talking about consuming porn on another person's computer which they may use for work or which may compromise their life. Your computer could be searched at airports or other places and you don't want to be explaining what you know nothing about
So because America is the biggest porn consumer as you claim teachers should consume it on work computers. Some people consume but like to hide the fact that they do so why should another person just decide to use their computer for that giving them a profile they don't want?I cannot explain it to you but those people who have reputational standing do not just browse the Internet for porn foolishly rather they try to anonymize their activities. Surely everyone should have such a right.People have been turned back from US airports for having porn on their phones so do not talk ignorantly

Your argument doesn't hold water. She never said it was her work laptop. Most people don't let others use their work laptops. I have never used my husband's work laptop and I don't even know his password. Also your claim that people have been turned away at US airports because they had porn on their laptops seems to be a tall tale. Remember that America prides itself on being the land of freedom, there is no way the US authorities would get away with such overreach of authority. If you are over 18 you can watch porn as long as it doesn't involve minors.

Just like you, I am also embarrassed that someone that lives in the WEST could be going off about GOLD! Can't you buy it yourself? Your Mum is annoyed that the Gold is not Real even though they didnt collect so much from him. Just listen to yourself. Truly Shameful. Here is how a Proper girl with a good family behaves "A guy from Europe went to Nigeria to also pay his girls bride-price and they put lots of Money in a Bowl and gave tp the Girl Family, they took 20naira out, Returned the Rest saying they should use it to take care of their Daughter" Back in Europe the girl was overjoyed that it all went " That is how good people that are ready for Marriage act. It seems you and your Family are not. I can't blame the poor guy. Nobody wants all this type of Drama.

Nmen ntoor gold digger.oya come and take gold.
You are a fool is he a gold mine,if u want gold buy for yourself.all these feminism will be deceiving you people now you are heart broken
That guy is a real g,

I met him in 2010, and I had to leave for graduate school in 2012. We continued dating and he visited me in the U.S as often as he could. After one of such visits, i discovered he had used my laptop to watch pornography. We had a fight, broke up, then made up again.

I am currently studying for my Doctorate and my greencard application (thru sister) is pending, therefore, i cannot travel out of the country now. So last year we decided to do our wedding in the U.S, and he and his family went to my family in Nigeria to pay my bride price.

My dad gave them a small price because he said we don't need their money and he is not selling me. But the problem was that the boxes of items they were to bring for me ended up being all cheap stuff, not even one single set of gold jewelry. My mum was unhappy and embarrassed, and i was terribly unhappy too. His excuse was that they didn't think the stuff would actually get to me since i am far away. My mum actually sent some of the stuff to me to see for myself. So we got into a huge fight and didn't speak for weeks. I later reached out to try and sort out our differences but he now says that he doesn't want to get married anymore.

I am distraught and embarrassed to even tell my family now because i had to fight for him and stand on my decision despite their hesitations. Is this relationship worth fighting for at all anymore? Do I deserve this after all this time?

So you expect to get good advice here.... Why are you still blind to yourself. To know what to do really, get a life coach or certified counsellor or even your religion head. However, I think praying to your God for direction is the best. However, for my own opinion based on what you have said here, I think you should let him go. Then,evaluate your own attitudes to issues, check your value system and then determine what kind of partner you really want.....I pray God will direct you in this challenging phase of your life.

[quote]I met him in 2010, and I had to leave for graduate school in 2012. We continued dating and he visited me in the U.S as often as he could. After one of such visits, i discovered he had used my laptop to watch pornography. We had a fight, broke up, then made up again.

I am currently studying for my Doctorate and my greencard application (thru sister) is pending, therefore, i cannot travel out of the country now. So last year we decided to do our wedding in the U.S, and he and his family went to my family in Nigeria to pay my bride price.

My dad gave them a small price because he said we don't need their money and he is not selling me. But the problem was that the boxes of items they were to bring for me ended up being all cheap stuff, not even one single set of gold jewelry. My mum was unhappy and embarrassed, and i was terribly unhappy too. His excuse was that they didn't think the stuff would actually get to me since i am far away. My mum actually sent some of the stuff to me to see for myself.

neocortex:
His excuse for breaking up is just an excuse, what
he really wish for is a wife that answers "Yes Sir" to
everything he does and you don't happen to fit that
description.
So, let him go for his type.

Next time, don't put your eggs in one basket.

MUMU like you.

CuddleMe:
Move on and quote those with good command of English and leave me alone. Stop embarrassing me

Wow..did u take it in d wrong? U are good thou.

Drama queens and kings are terrible to be with . I don't blame him too, I would have done the same .