DenreleDave:




Heys, how he is ungrateful Pls??

he is ungrateful and inconsiderate.
Can u imagine the stupid excuse "we are not legally married"

What about the baby? What should happen to it? Why make it face a broken home? Why can't he work on his marriage?

Burggerxbabe:
other men will , even ladies with 4 to 5 children remarry .

why did you ignore the last question? Will you allow your single son with no kids to marry a divorcee with 4 to 5 children?

shugaboy6102:
This is my story and I will appreciate if the mods can push it to front page so that others can read and learn from me, and I also need your honest comments and advice because you could be saving a drowning man.

I Am 29 years of age, a civil engineer by profession and a sanguine by temperament. Before my youth service @ age 24 I got my girl friend pregnant and I was scared of abortion so we decided to keep the baby with the full support of my mother and she agreed because I was an only son. After that, we proceeded to see her people with my mum and relatives to my girl friends village and we paid something on her head but didn't complete the whole traditional right, but this was not even the traditional wedding proper.

After that we saw ourselves as husbands and wife and we were living fine for sometime. After sometime, the relationship took a different turn as we were always fighting and didn't agree on even the slightest matter. I remember vividly one occasion we fought over a female colleague @ work who sent me a whatsapp message and why we fought was that she came to my work place and fought the young lady openly embarrassing me in the process in front of everyone.

There were times I would try to reconcile but she would blatantly refused, sometimes she will tell me she is fed up of this thing we call marriage and that she's looking for someone that I too should look for someone else.

Fast-forward I met a lady and one thing led to another and I started picking interest in her. It was never my intention to be with another woman but I don't have peace of mind and I feel I am loosing my mind.

Note: I haven't wedded in a church before or done a full traditional marriage. Here comes the question: would it be considered a divorce if I quit this union and marry this new lady?

I am full of unhappiness and pain and I don't want to live a life of endurance and pity. Pls nobody should pressure you into getting married, marriage is not a license to live a happy life. If you are single, I envy you.

I tried reading other comments before dropping mine, I do that sometimes to be sure I'm not too hard on posters.

The truth is that you got married without knowing it, apparently, the way you spoke sounded like someone railroaded into the traditional wedding you did.

It's very possible that what you had between yourself then was just lust and not love, and when pregnancy came the eyes of both of you became clear.

Now, don't judge your success in the marriage simply on the tension between the two of you now. You could've have enjoyed the relationship better if you know the Dynamics of marital relationship. This is what you must study, don't underate it's importance.

Like someone said here among the comments, even if you divorce this one, if you're still ignorant of this dynamics, the second one will fail too.

For now, let me tell you, every woman is beautiful, sexy, romantic, the job is in the hands of both of you. We all differ, but we all have our strength and weaknesses. A successful marriage is one who appreciates both in each other's and maximize the strengths and overlook the weaknesses.

The initiative for reconciliation and progress lies with the man, women are created to respond to the action of their men. So, clear your head, initiate the kind of marriage you want with that wife of yours and you'll see the response you're dreaming of.

It's never too late to reignite the flame of love and passion you once had before the pregnancy.

No woman is bad until the man gives up on working on the marriage.

No woman will take a side chic in your office and lie low. Forget those fine looking chics in your office, you'll be surprised to know that your wife is more beautiful if you give her attention and funding. Is your wife earning money or salary? Better ensure that angle first. Nobody is happy without a source of income.

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

Your life is not in a mess! You've still got your good health and your entire life ahead of you. Pull out of that toxic relationship before it puts your life in real mess. Give yourself some time before you enter into something serious again. You've got only one child, right? Do you want to wait until you got three with the wrong woman?

But,wait. You've not really told us what the problem is. Have you ever caught her with another man or something like that? If not I think you can still work on it.

Ginaz:
Still think more on it. don't rush to that new babe , the grass is not always greener on the other side . When you will have disputes with this new girl , will you jump to another lady?

Think carefully please . Perhaps , you and your wife should try to sort things out amicable, take a vacation with her and handle your child to someone who look after .

She’s the jealous type for she to fight a lady in your office because of you , and you proved her suspicions right by taking interest in another lady( that’s cheating).

Retraced your steps. You are at fault .

.....can we get married?.....u sound so unique n matured....I hope dis is u

Better separate from her. And remain single for a while

Hello friend, just read your heart felt story and I am sorry for wat you are passing thru. I have equally read from other advisers, and some of them make sense.

However, I want to share this link for you to read and even use your Bible along but before then pray for God's spirit to guide and open ur mind. Thank you.

https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1101996032#h=1:0

For more information please visit: www.JW.org and search for family happiness or marriage.

Thank you...

Aboy, go and work on your marriage and be responsible

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

You have the rest of your lives to live together and you guys are just starting. Can you live a life of unhappiness for the next 50 yrs?

I believe you should explore every option of reconciliation with your wife. You guys loved each other and you can bring that love back. Before you think of divorce, act like there's no other option than to stay and see how you guys can manage your excesses and love in the happiness you had earlier.

The lady you speak about might be looking like everything perfect that your wife doesn't have. She's like a breath of fresh air...perfect rebound. You don't know the demons you will be fighting once she also settles in. So please be careful about settling down for now because your judgement is clouded with your wife's flaws and it's making you see this new lady as everything you need.

1 op said he's a sanguine, and here it's

What are the weaknesses of a sanguine?
weakness of will and lack of discipline makes it easier for them to be deceitful, dishonest and undependable, they tend to over react and gain weight, finding it most difficult to remain on diet, some said without self-discipline, there is no such thing as success, indiscipline is Mrs. sanguine greatest weakness.

Op your marriage can not work because you did not prepare for marriage, you married because you got her pregnant not because of love

obstead200:
he is ungrateful and inconsiderate.
Can u imagine the stupid excuse "we are not legally married"

What about the baby? What should happen to it? Why make it face a broken home? Why can't he work on his marriage?

So it's the man fault now abi.. What if she is cheating and the man doesn't no yet. Did u read this part??

"" "" "" There were times I would try to reconcile but she would blatantly refused, sometimes she will tell me she is fed up of this thing we call marriage and that she's looking for someone that I too should look for someone else."" "" "" "" ""

bukatyne:


@shugaboy6102:

You are 29 and she is 25.

That means you got her pregnant while you were 24 and she was 19.

What stage was she at 19? What were her dreams before the pregnancy?

How has she improved? Done with school, working etc?

You have repeatedly downplayed the martial rites you did her and I am sure when you have issues, you tell her same thing too.

The fact you are asking if you are married means you did not consider yourself married and committed to her.

Probably you see her as a baby mama and treat her as such.

Solution:
Drop the handbag you have acquired and work on your marriage.

That passion & fire that made you marry her at 24 must be deeper than what you discard.

An average 24yr & 19yr old couple would have done an abortion.

Thank you sir for this piece.. OP, listen to him.. give your marriage a second chance and yes, you are married traditionally which is what counts in Nigeria anyway. You are both very young so there would normally be tension and disagreement.. Even older couples quarrel and fight so nothing new here.. Give your marriage a second chance and work on it fully. Treat her better and she ll reciprocate. Nothing here guarantees that your new girlfriend would not be worse than your wife when you eventually settle with her..

Las las, you ll be alright.

DenreleDave:




Heys, how he is ungrateful Pls??

. Who will he leave the mother of his child for. Why can't he make efforts to heal his relationship. He is busy saying he is unhappy. S woman that have been with him for years, without bride price or wedding, does he know how she is feeling

Mindfulness:


@bold
You have already answered your own question, haven't you?

You didn't get the question, will it be divorce if he quits the current marriage? Is he supposed to return the 'something' he paid on her head? ( To you and ur 175 people liking your comment)

Bros even if you are legally married to this lady and the marriage is not working must you continue. Let two of try and see a marriage counselor to know if things might change. And the only way you can confirm if you are legally married traditionally is to go back to lady's village and ask. Tradition defers.

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

That is marriage for you,i went through worst but this is my10 years of marriage, the next woman will be worst that her so the best bet is to find a way to live with her and understand her, she is just angry that she left a thousand men just to spend the rest of her life with you.

midnighter:


Lol! Na wetin you wan talk?

Yes na how else do i put it. Some ppl get married and are able to accommodate themselves. For some people it's war.

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

Please leave before it pushes you to suicide. You're not married yet. And never live your life based in other people's expectations or what they'll say or think.

Dignity5:


When you set off without God, you persist and endure without him. If you are truly sorry, put away divorce from your heart, seek him where He may be found, in His Word and incline your mind to do this will and he will order your steps.

It's easier to give theory statement. Explain further

Teaveapoet:
what if i say its too early to think you have met a new person.and what to settle down with her? you say this lady that has a child for you was your girlfriend, definitely things were going well before she got pregnant. why don't you sit her down and counsel her or both of you should meet a counselor or elders in your family. i don't see divorce as an option here and marrying another wife is more like double trouble.

God bless you my dear

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

my husband will always say that women are like Abakaliki rice, no matter how you wash it, you must definitely see sand. I keep saying it, it’s better for a man to marry 3 wives than 2. She is your wife period!

Please treat your wife as your wife. With love and a baby heart, she went to your office to claim territory perhaps you gave her less attention. She obviously feels unfulfilled.
What does she do now? If not busy, work on empowering her (a shop or let her go back to school. Say part time).
Every marriage has its peak period of trouble if well handled, leads to a glorious time.

Handle your marriage. Communicate. Cherish and love her. Let God lead in your home. You see, the moment couples stop praying together, you give room to the devil.

bukatyne:


@shugaboy6102:

You are 29 and she is 25.

That means you got her pregnant while you were 24 and she was 19.

What stage was she at 19? What were her dreams before the pregnancy?

How has she improved? Done with school, working etc?

You have repeatedly downplayed the martial rites you did her and I am sure when you have issues, you tell her same thing too.

The fact you are asking if you are married means you did not consider yourself married and committed to her.

Probably you see her as a baby mama and treat her as such.

Solution:
Drop the handbag you have acquired an work on your marriage.

That passion & fire that made you marry her at 24 must be deeper than what you discard.

An average 24yr & 19yr old couple would have done an abortion.

shugaboy6102 well I commend u wit ur approach Infact a job well done. The honestly truth is u ain't seeing her a wife and that wouldn't solve anything just bring urself back ask her to forgive u first den plan for way forward and that aunty around ur hus pls free her.

shugaboy6102:


I am full of unhappiness and pain and I don't want to live a life of endurance and pity.

"" "Pls nobody should pressure you into getting married, marriage is not a license to live a happy life. If you are single, I envy you"" ".

So why should your first decision be to marry another lady instead of remaining single. Do I smell hypocrisy?

How do you even know the next lady won't be worse.

If you decide for another lady be sure to agree with your wife about both of you parting ways. Else she'll claim you've been having affair and that's why you treat her bad.

Mindfulness:


@bold
You have already answered your own question, haven't you?

To carry prick left and right, the OP knows that one.
To marry the girl now, he's asking and answering question.
-
If they told you at 24, to leave that girlfriend alone, you wouldn't agree. Now see the nonsense story

shugaboy6102:
Really am not talking even based on the new lady I met, what am asking is are we legally married? and if so do we keep enduring each other and for how long. Should I stay with her out of convenience because of what people in my church will say, my neighbours, friends, colleagues etc. Do we keep tolerating when we both know it was out of passion and youthful exuberance that landed us both in this. Oh God help me because my life is in a mess I hope someone understands me

I think you should have a dialogue with your wife.

Tell her the things she's doing wrong and how you are complicit in that. There's no way your 100% guilt free of the happenings.

She should do the same too.

Terms and conditions should be reached. Leave everything to feelings and things will fall apart like this.
Things have to be clearer than they are now.

Also..

Its not self evident by any stretch of the imagination that marriage is something that should provide happiness.
Its a false idea and not true.

We are all full of shit! and marriage as an idea tries to fix that by pairing 2 idiots together to make one reasonable individual.

Its an old idea.

The bible proposes the same idea with the message of 2 becoming 1.
Life is hard enough, surviving on your own without help moves you a step closer to your grave.
You need someone that reminds you of your stupidity, so you can get better.

With your strengths paired, raising an infant into a reasonable adult is a lot easier than it'd be without the pairing.

GraGra247:


So why should your first decision be to marry another lady instead of remaining single. Do I smell hypocrisy?

How do you even know the next lady won't be worse.

If you decide for another lady be sure to agree with your wife about both of you parting ways. Else she'll claim you've been having affair and that's why you treat her bad.

I really want to slap the OP.

gratiaeo:
1 op said he's a sanguine, and here it's

Op your marriage can not work because you did not prepare for marriage, you married because you got her pregnant not because of love

And now he's carrying his prick to another woman.
Should we not just beat this buy up?

shugaboy6102:
This is my story and I will appreciate if the mods can push it to front page so that others can read and learn from me, and I also need your honest comments and advice because you could be saving a drowning man.

I Am 29 years of age, a civil engineer by profession and a sanguine by temperament. Before my youth service @ age 24 I got my girl friend pregnant and I was scared of abortion so we decided to keep the baby with the full support of my mother and she agreed because I was an only son. After that, we proceeded to see her people with my mum and relatives to my girl friends village and we paid something on her head but didn't complete the whole traditional right, but this was not even the traditional wedding proper.

After that we saw ourselves as husbands and wife and we were living fine for sometime. After sometime, the relationship took a different turn as we were always fighting and didn't agree on even the slightest matter. I remember vividly one occasion we fought over a female colleague @ work who sent me a whatsapp message and why we fought was that she came to my work place and fought the young lady openly embarrassing me in the process in front of everyone.

There were times I would try to reconcile but she would blatantly refused, sometimes she will tell me she is fed up of this thing we call marriage and that she's looking for someone that I too should look for someone else.

Fast-forward I met a lady and one thing led to another and I started picking interest in her. It was never my intention to be with another woman but I don't have peace of mind and I feel I am loosing my mind.

Note: I haven't wedded in a church before or done a full traditional marriage. Here comes the question: would it be considered a divorce if I quit this union and marry this new lady?

I am full of unhappiness and pain and I don't want to live a life of endurance and pity. Pls nobody should pressure you into getting married, marriage is not a license to live a happy life. If you are single, I envy you.

Send her to her parents house and remain single without serious commitment to any lady for a whole year. Within this period, you can think of your life properly while studying her from afar. If she wants a home with you, she will adjust and seek for forgiveness while you will also have time to identify your errors. I can assure you that you will be making another mistake if you chose to step into another woman's life without given yourself a break. The reason is that you never had a life of a bachelor and your supposed wife is also lacking the same thing. If you were 24 when u got her pregnant, I aspect her to be 23 downward as at that time. You guys skipped something and you need time to convince yourself that the sacrifice Worth it

Amanee:




You want us to tell you it's okay to meet someone else and leave your wife, that you are not married to her and your unhappiness in the marriage is not a good sign,


Right?


Wrong.


You are married whether you like it or not and you are cheating on your wife. Wake up

I follow nairaland so much and what I see about the ladies here is so predictable. If this was about a lady not happy in her home you will see all the feminists all out to tell the woman to quit the marriage, that her happiness is what matters most. Now it’s about a man not happy in a home that’s not even a complete marriage yet, you’ll ladies are asking him to endure. Chai. It’s a pity. Bro do what will give you happiness. No woman has the right to put a man in unhappiness. For what reason? If she chooses to make your life a living hell, then leave her and be with whoever gives you happiness. A man will work and provide for his home for one woman to make his life a living hell. Them never born that woman.

Modified: Seriously you shouldn’t be talking about going into another marriage yet. Take it easy bro and learn a lesson.