₦airaland Forum

This one is strong. On one part, I see the man is doing his bit. I mean, paying school fees for 4 children and rent for a family of six alone is quite much. Especially if you live in a place like Lagos.

How much is he earning and how much is she earning, let's start from there. Because, my wife and I share almost every bill. We both have good paying jobs, hers is even better than mine but I have more time to pursue personal briefs.

Once I hit bulk sum, I transfer to her for keeps, towards rent and savings.

From my experience, food, clothes, gas and light bill are the least he can expect from you to contribute to the house hold. And except you're earning peanuts it should not see it as an issue.

AND why did you guys give birth to 4 kids in this era? Only one that I have, I've thinking of visectomy. Kids are freaking expensive.

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

Apt. I recommend this in a large extent

notoriousbabe:
We have read your own side of the story, tell your husband that the elder of the land will like to see him on Nairaland before the week runs out for him to come and tell us his own side of the story

Orrr,Igando customary court!

Be careful not to take all advise here. What will an unmarried person who do not have first hand experience tell you. Or someone who do not have a stable marriage. Remember God originated marriage and devil hate everything from God. No advise will calm these challenges except God. The truth is both of u are under financial pressure. The man is angry because he is not meeting up. Pls send this question to salvation Ministry (Youth arise) by 4pm on Sunday. Relationship matter like yours is been handle. Hook up online www.smhos.org/streaming

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

I think you married a boy. This is because everything u said about ur husband depicts the characteristics of a boy, not a man. Marriage is not meant for boys. You could have seen some of this traits in him at the time u guys were in relationship/courtship.


Anyways, now that u are in already, it's a no going back, for the sake of ur 4 loving kids. So, what's the way forward:

1. Keep tolerating him with ur quietness. Don't lose ur mind so there won't be an inferno.... again, just for the sake of ur sweet kids

2. Always keep in touch with ur parents and siblings because they are like a shield to you and the kids. Ur husband does not look like someone that can protect u.

3. Get your husband in a roundtable discussion and settle the financial crises. Here's what you should do. Join both salaries together. Then, cost out all the things that will be needed for that month. Make a flexible budget for a start. What ever is left after this, divide it into two parts. You both take each part as ur savings. This will settle the nagging about u hiding money or u not doing enough with u salary.

4. Learn to apologize even wen u know u haven't done anything wrong. Infact, apologize every morning when u greet him in the morning and evening before going to bed. After a while, he will find this hilarious. He will feel bad if and when he becomes a man.


My fellow guys, pls I beg u, if you are not mature for marriage, don't go there! Be a man first before you take the responsibility of marriage. Remember, being a man is not by age; but maturity

Tozilly:
No marriage is devoid of fracas. Majority of couple r just managing themselves. Ur situation is not yet out of control. Ur hubby is suffering from financial insecurity, entitlement mentality n bloated ego. He feels less of a man as he can't provide adequately 4 his family. U NID to save a fixed amount of money every month for Ur personal upkeep no matter wot. Try n find happiness outside him, may b with ur kids. U hv a right to enjoy d fruit of ur labour. Just press ignore button wen he starts acting up. He will either grows over it with time or b humbled by life. D situation will change for better with time. Don't come n kill urself for anybody.

What if the situation doesn't change

Why do people always feel marriage is a do or die affair dese days. If ur husband is not making you happy anymore, den start having bck up plans. The reason why he complains Nd all is because he doesn’t appreciate or value u or ur effort. So just simply find a way to get ur respect Nd value bck from him. Eg, u can start ignoring him when he ignores u, don’t do things he knows u wil always do like paying for fuel, electricity bills, Stop doing it for sometime no matter how he complains Nd tries to force u too, don’t do it. If light no go Dey, let everyone in d house Dey inside heat, no wahala. if fuel no go dey car, take public transport. Do it like u don’t even care or mind at all........He knows no matter what , u wil keep paying dem bills so he is already relaxed Nd comfortable with dat . So stop!! Just only pay for a lil things u can dat won’t affect ur children like dier school snacks Nd all. But d rest , stop!!! Don’t do it anymore. U wil see dat after he doesn’t see fuel in car to drive, or stays inside heat cause dem don cut una light, his head wil reset.

[quote author=MizJaY post=89104742][/quote]Firstly,it's obvious from what you narrated that you are a good person, you may not be perfect but any reasonable person reading your post can tell, at least you accepted clearly that sometimes you are the wrong one, it's sign of honesty. You are commended for that and please keep it up because that is who you are and probably trained to be and it must have been helping you even without you knowing,perhaps if you had assumed a part that is not you just in reaction to what you are facing the result you may not want.
Secondly, try not to conclude based on what you will read on this platform cause events in recent years have seen a lot of members here reasoning like kids,don't be surprised how you will be bashed and even have the topic derailed,this is Nairaland. While it's good getting feelers here you will require special relationship counseling, to guide you on what to do and how to do it. Such I believe will lead to a good way of you and your husband having sessions. From what you narrated it is not difficult to figure out things that are almost absolutely true,judging by the way most of us Nigerian men were raised. It's difficult for women of this generation because this generation is the information age and the period of the transition - meaning men having no choice but to accord women respect and accept equality in rights. Prior to this generation the world was believed to be for men. Women didn't have much rights or say,and we grew up seeing all that. It was girls' duty to sweep, cook,wash plates etc. All the boys did was go to farm,which the girls still accompanied. But about three to four decades ago information started filtering in and from year 2000 when GSM came and internet became more readily available source of information the narrative began to change. So madam, your husband right now has the I am the man type of ego deeply rooted in him, if you try to change that with confrontation it won't work. If you try to be the one to talk him out of it,still it won't work. He needs get in touch with someone that can make him adjust. Try and find such relationship counselors around you.
Again,please even if it is to borrow and be paying small small, restore your beauty,dress good,smell good. It is the first and last physical effort to keep in that marriage. Don't just be anyhow cause you have kids already and there's no money,you will irritate him and he will never accept that you are like that because of your sacrifices for the family. He may be mad that you used money to buy clothes and shoes for yourself,but madam don't ever let that move you.
A lot to type but time and space won't let me. Just know that your marriage will work when two of you work thrash out issues,but he sure has some changes to make,like thanking you when it's necessary and all that. All the best.

bukatyne:
I see two issues:

1. You both are earning below the standard of living you have set for yourselves. In what ways is your husband trying to increase his earnings?

2. Do you have a written budget where you can track income with expenditure so you see where you can cut expenses (I know what you have is not enough however, that will reduce the mental stress on you).

3. You have the classic egoistic Nigerian husband. How do you navigate them? By apologizing when issues crop up whether you are wrong or not. Yorubas call that apology 'gba je n simi' or 'sorry, let me rest.'
So issues come up, it is quickly 'sweetheart, sorry, I did not mean it like that.', 'sorry, no vex' etc.

4. His spiritual life: what happened to the man that wanted to be a pastor? Just how you leaned on him for spiritual growth, you might need to return the favour now.

And good that you have to wisdom to avoid his blows since you are still willing to stay.

About your number 3, would you still give that advice if it the genders involved were reversed?

Hmmm. Madam, if the two of you have been carrying face for a week and neither is approaching the other to know what the problem is (if I read that correctly), then I won't want to believe he is the only one with ego issue.

I will assume this marriage is not beyond repair and it is worth saving. Think of how you can give in to him on some things and take your stand on others. Compromise is needed here on both sides....give and take....but it has to start with you. Can you find something you can do to him or for him that will kind of feed his ego at first...it will make him to lower his guard and then you can have your way later.
And pls pray for him and of course the marriage. He may indeed be called but have lost track along the way and if that is the case, he won't be fulfilled and happy but if you can help him back on track, you yourself will benefit from the positive changes.

Good morning madam, I read your entire epistle lol, every word of it. Word for word. You raise some very important points.
1. Pre marriage. He was supposed to be a pastor. What happened?
2. How is his spirituality now? Does he have the same respect for God? If he does, does he read the portion of the bible that says husbands should love their wives as their own bodies?
3. You as an individual you must have deep respect for your husband.
4. Misunderstandings are normal in every "imperfect relationship"-We are all infallible. No one of us is perfect, you must sit him down and talk to him. Let him know your worries, fears etc. Assure him that everything will be fine.
It appears pressure is choking him. Another aspect is his family. Why would he not be in talking terms with his family and you accept that? It's not proper. Advise him to reconcile. Keeping malice is not godly you know.

Both of you seem to have serious communications issues. Why would you be afraid of gisting with him lest you make a mistake? That's a gap right there! You can seek professional counselling if it's convenient. Both of you. You have to work yourself back into his heart. Same applies to him.
Frankly, there may be no need to have other plans. You know what I mean. It can only be counter productive. I'm sure you have kids. Think of them as well. If you factor their needs into this assessment, you may understand why your marriage should not just work but be together. Finally, this very letter you sent to us, print it out and give to him. He needs it more than people on nairaland.com, who are not stakeholders in your marriage. It may sound silly but you never know. If I can read it, then he should too, afterall it's about him. Shocked? Don't be. We will never get to know the real identities of this couple. You probably used a moniker for this write up. So nothing to worry. There should be no shame there! That is the way it should be. It should not be a secret. Is it?

princessConfy:
seeing this post frightens me more. my relationship of 5 months is giving me headache. he said he can't give me money except I ask. I've tried to explain to him that I'm not good in asking and I don't ask because he said his ex gf used to be too demanding. now I don't know if I ask small he may think I'm pretending if I ask big he may think I'm too demanding. He will ask me to visit and when I want to leave he'll wait till we are almost at the junction before he will ask if I have T.p. anytime we have an argument he will threatened our relationship...
I don tire... cos I don't know if I should continue or quit.. relationship wahala

Ask and you shall receive

Have really given you the attention you seek
Oya, Goan celebrate.
Mind you, i am not anumpama.
Maybe your husband or husband to be is, and I am too sorry for him.Keep exposing yourself I am done and out with you. Have a nice day

SweetCunt97:
Typical igbo male.. Didn't u read where she doesn't mind but a Lil appreciation would be OK with her? Broke men state of mind. Go get a women to pay ur bill na as na una way for Abuja.. Anumpama

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

pls OP. reject and unfollow this advice...na them

some of them suffers most in their own marriages but wil come and give u advice..

I have a married friend who was giving advice to another woman on howcto handle her husband..( I was inside a house wit tainted window.) so they didn't see me.. but this so called adviser is living in hell in her home.. but she was dishing puna for another..


OP.. pray
say I'm sorry just for peace to reign.
what ur husband is doing is wrong but we live in a Man's society.. where a man can cheat, but if a woman does it,village people wil b involved.

try and make that marriage work.. u r no alone in this kinda situation.

princessConfy:
seeing this post frightens me more. my relationship of 5 months is giving me headache. he said he can't give me money except I ask. I've tried to explain to him that I'm not good in asking and I don't ask because he said his ex gf used to be too demanding. now I don't know if I ask small he may think I'm pretending if I ask big he may think I'm too demanding. He will ask me to visit and when I want to leave he'll wait till we are almost at the junction before he will ask if I have T.p. anytime we have an argument he will threatened our relationship...
I don tire... cos I don't know if I should continue or quit.. relationship wahala

You guys should stop seeing a relationship as a poverty alleviation programme. I don't owe you money because I'm dating you.

crackkhaus:
Wow, so many stories of unhappy women in their marriages.

What must be responsible for this

Is it that the men involved have always been like that, but as expected, they are very good at gaming these women with love and excellent sex... OR is it that the women never really paid attention, got carried away easily, and were quite easy to deceive?

It really has to be one or the other, because I don't believe an adult already set in his/her ways can suddenly change.
They may pretend, adapt, or be able to project a false personality but to change? NEVER.

The truth is our mothers failed in raising MEN, so we women have to marry boys.
Now its up to US to raise MEN and change the narratives of future WIVES, or the lamentations continue...
Its actually a matter of the devil and the deep blue sea.

Madam I am not married yet, but I will give my opinion of what is happening and profer my advice.
1. There are men who because the hardship they are going through get frustrated and because there is nobody close but their wife they transfer that energy, irritated at almost everything. Its a weakness, the inability to control negative emotions.
2. From what you have said, I think you people live above your income and living from hand to mouth in this country is very dangerous, because if the unexpected(job loss or medical emergency) happens then its over
3. Your husband is an ingrate, egositic and insecure, (trait i have noticed with men who act all holy and good) Sad he is comfortable with the status of the family.
Advice
1. As someone earlier said when they pay this month salary tell him you heard rumour that company is planning to layoff or reduce salary by half because of the pandemic wahala, so he is mentally alerted that he needs to sit up ( be also ready for more tribulations because that news will make him more insecure and agitated)
2. I saw where you said money for fuel for gen. Please I advice you cut none essentials expense sit down and check the things that can be stopped in the house, reduce gen fuel drastically, juice, just that anything won't kill your children if stopped. Take this serious, this country is about to dive into a worse reccession.
3. Open a new account and save the other 40-50% from your salary, no ATM and request for email alerts only, not TEXT alerts.
4. Take care of yourself woman, make sure you look presentable and get a good perfume, Appearance add value to how someone sees you, when you start taking care yourself your husband will notice and realize how lucky he is to be married to you. IF he has Sense.
5. Ignore his whatsapp status, that status was done to scare you, act unpertubed, I suspect what has given him the push to treat you the way he has is his conviction that you don't want to be thrown out, because you have nothing and depend on him (see advice 3) meanwhile his daily feeding and upkeep has been brent by you. Your parents are still alive(lucky you) so if his worse happens you and the kids won't be destitutes, ignore the whatsapp status and always act like that or any other innuendos by him doesn't bother you. BE HAPPY.
6. Communication: Ask him today at night that you have noticed his countenance, what is bothering him, dont give the impression that you suspect you are the cause and when he opens up and tells you what you have done, apologize, and if any new quarrels comes again apologize and keep doing what you have been doing but don't let it affect your happiness or let him see that its affecting you emotionally(I know its hard) This will give you ample time to get yourself together (savings) because that saving is your security.
7. I think you need to also motivate and help him search for a better job, he is too relaxed with the present job, you kids will grow and uni expenses won't be paid with his small salary. Make attempt to get a better job.
8. I know your husband loves you, he just needs to work on his attitude and perspective to things.
The problem here is his financial & emotional insecurity, EGO and the lack of FRIENDSHIP in you marriage. Try and build friendship with him, he is your husband.

9. PRAY and encourage him to be close again to God, even if you needs the help of you pastor note: It should appear like this was done alone by your pastor, he should not suspect that you involved the pastor and encourage him from there. Again PRAY .

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Wow!!! If this story is truly true...then you are really trying o....people will never show you there true colour when you are still courting ....this life sha....I hope you get the needed message/advice from other Nairaland members..

Sailor22:
Stop raising ur voice at ur husband. Its a bad character. You started it when u were young. No man will take it. Madam its too late. You have one of the worst character on earth. I am sure u dont honor ur dad too. I know what im saying. As for u young girls,change ur character.

Does that supposed to be an advice or a reprimand?

Rozz:
Another one again.let me come and be going

Hi,I like you

KingKayxCee11:
Half of your write up is a rant

God help the married.

Little kid, adults are talking.

I think u should first of all reduce ur family expensis if u want to save money , look for cheaper house with cheaper house rent , look for school with cheaper school fees . With this u and ur husband will enjoy ur marriage and also save money . we should try to cut our coat according to our cloth . Then try and work toward building ur own house so that u will stop paying house rent . Tell ur husband in the sweetest way u can , tell him to use ur car to run transport after work so that he can use it to support the family . I think if u and ur husband can do what i have said money will not be a problem to the family . If u didn't do this when unforseen circonstance comes up u will regret in life , unless ur mum and dad are ready to support u , bear in mind that ur mum and dad will not life for ever , try as much as possible to be independent of ur parent . Try ur possible best to make ur husband the real man u want ur man to be , there is no better man out there . All men have problem including me .

Brightgem:
Apologizing for stupid, unnecessary and non existent offences makes you a bitter person. What is life if I can't express myself. In any case this whole thing called marriage is only working for a select few who really are aligned, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and more.

The whole thing I just read about the OPs husband's behavior is just nonsense. It's sad when kids have been brought into this kind of life, kids are always the reason people find it hard to walk away. That man will turn on her once he is better off. Before you give to others so much as if you will die, remember to take care of urself. She needs to do that.

Men need to stop acting like marriage is a favor to the woman.

Ever heard of let peace reign "sorry". It's for her own inner peace. Hmmmm! Marriage is a favour to weak women and even strong women need children of their own and a companion of the opposite sex. A woman expressing her opinion in marriage was done by our mothers in cunning ways. This generation is quite different
To make a marriage work takes hardwork and lots of shifting on both sides.

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

What if he comes back too that his own salary has been reduced by half.

See the issue here is lack of appreciation on both side and serious financial tension cos they have bitten more than they should (4 kids at this time)

They both need to come clean on their earnings, plan their finances and draw up a budget that is optimal while they plan to invest the rest

Hanky Panky is not what us needed now...she stillhas the mindset that she is doing too much...yes compared to the income it is a lot but compared to the size of their family, it is what needs to be done...the man is also groaning under the weight of paying fees for 4 kids and rent. The only way to appreciate each other and lovingly improve their situation is via openness and budgeting to see where their funds go and who does what.

I believe the countenance of both parties will change once this oneness is achieved and they will grow faster

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Madam, I've to be very blunt to you.
You are part of the problem you're having in the house.

I'm married and I truly understand what family life means.
Your story may sound so beautiful to you but to me it does not. Reading between lines, I see that you don't respect your husband the way it should be. Bn a quiet type is not same as bn a respectful wife.

I can see that your contribution in running the family sometimes make you feel he should be submissive to you. Most women that turned breadwinners think that way.
Support the man, encourage him and also bring up suggestions that will improve him and you'll get the best from him. Don't puncture a man's ego, else his love for you will drop.

Your farther offering him the job he does should not make him a slave to your parents or to you. Don't report your husband to your parents. You may forgive him easily, but your parents may not.

You are quiet but stubborn deep inside. You noticed that your husband is carrying face up and down... according to you... and decide to ignore him waiting for him to come to you. For a whole week you and husband have not bn talking to each other under the same roof and you feel undisturbed.
If you think you are more matured than your husband, why not go to him and lovingly ask him why he's moody. I do such at all times. So long as it will bring peace to my home, I goes to my wife and apologize. I sees it as the responsibility that God has placed on me to make peace in my house. So I do it without thinking why should I be the one always apologizing weda I'm right or wrong.

Now you're complaining cos the whole thing is making u feel bad when you have the solution in your hands.
Do you think your husband is happy for not bn able to provide all his family needs. He'll be very volatile, hostile and easily pissed off. Your closeness and encouragement will be the only thing that will calm his nerves and make his love for you increase. Even that his calling by God will be restored.

Finally, I see that you're not even interested in your marriage. You're not even struggling to restore your marriage. Your last paragraph says much about this.
If you have money, you'll run away and abandon the marriage. To me, this shows that you're not working hard to restore your family, rather, you're finding peace externally. Your husband is sensing this and it's also making him mad about u.

Madam, I'll advice you to go back to your first love. Love your husband. Work hard to make him your friend and you'll see the finger of God in your home again.
Every relationship has its problem. Non is perfect, but the way you manage the imperfection is what makes you guys perfect.

You are an emotionally disturbed person.
Try to talk it out with your husband. Give him love and stop reminding him you contribute more to the family expenses.
You appear to be too mouthy.
You want to get out of the marriage?
Well, you will not know the value of what you have now until you lose it.

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

My belle o. I need to pay you for entertaining me.

budaatum:
This is like sailing on a ship with an incompetent captain who refuses to take advise as he leads you all to destruction. Mutiny is of course the solution, but you probably can't divorce him.

You married an ignorant person and you need to educate him, or at least educate your children so they do not become ignorant like their father.

Wake your children up in the morning for Bible or Quran Study (or reflection on the previous day if you are not religion inclined, I add, for those who may not be religious but read this). Don't do it the traditional way however, whereby one person assumes to preach to everyone else, but let everyone say it as they understand what you've all read, then pray and go about your day.

And take the advice of putting some savings aside because he will leave you once he has ruined you and you'd be left with nothing to feed your kids!

One thing I like about Nairaland is that nobody will ever advice you to see a Native Doctor

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

Yes you are are right.

Radarada, ta lo ni oko ayan

I just pity u because someone that's not appreciative talk more of caring about your health is dangerous

My first thing concerning your help is to put it unto God, though I don't know ur church or ur belief but to my teaching and faith, u supposed not to think how tomorrow go be because it's God that own it..
I wonder why, when I have project in fronts of me, I don't think, I just believe a way will open. That's for the sake of your health eh, if u die today because of high Nabp on how to eat, how to take care of the family or what, see ur husband will marry another person and your children will also move on. Pls and pls I beg u for Christ sake, stop putting expenses on your mind.


Your solutions now is too refused to sponsor some bill in your own, car, gen is just unnecessary things if the house need it badly, tell them to go and meet their daddy for it.

Try and draw ur expenses and cut it, make everything tight that he would understand the language and pray to God for financial increase.


I wish u well sis, so unfortunate the man is a scam

Alawaxbimbex:
With the kind of stories I read daily on nairaland about marriage...I'm so scared of marriage ooo...God pls bless me with a good husband when it's time for me to marry

God has answer your prayers..here i'm..are u interested?

Marriage no easy o,Is well sis