₦airaland Forum

This issue of bride price prompts me to ask this question: 'Does a woman really owe her inlaws any obligation?'
I observed that getting married into some families as a lady is just an induction into slavery and not a wedding ceremony as it appears to be. For instance, when the family has a party, it is expected that the wives in the family fulfill certain duties.e.g cooking, even when caterers can be hired. This sort of thing happens even when the woman's family doesn't place financial obligation on their own son.
Could payment of bride price be responsible for this kind of treatment? Personally, I believe that such things should be done voluntarily as the man will only give to his inlaws if he wishes or if he is capable.

Eketem:
It is one of the reasons. Infact a major reason, a man pays almost N2 million in cash and materials to aquire a wife then he comes online to see women claiming that woman is his equal or that he is still supposed to do those roles he has " aquired " a wife to do.

Women need to take responsibility for our share in promoting inequality.

Those saying men collect the bride price yes they do but women are the ones who bare the brunt. Stand up and fight against it I did and I am enjoying the benefits of starting a home on an equal footing

Are you a Nigerian? If so, which tribe? I ask because the average Nigerian isn't so open-minded to the extent of ignoring certain traditions.

Localamos:
Honey, two wrongs can't make a right. If the husband cheats, it's wrong. If the wife cheats, it's wrong. And by wrong, I mean a sin against God and a crime against the law.
Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing, where you love each other in sickness and in health, in riches and in lack.
But what we have today is a situation where husband and wife have turned themselves to enemies. They allow their hearts to be filled with mutual distrust, acrimony and bitterness. Your spouse isn't your enemy, rather both of you should stand side by side to face your Common enemy. "One shall chase a thousand, but two shall chase ten thousand"
In the event where you have a cheating or abusive spouse, I think it's better to move out of his/her life instead of engaging him/her in wrongdoing.

tearoses:
So If my husband cheats, I should go out and find a man to cheat with?
Even if its not my nature
Even if it means disrespecting myself
Will it make me feel better?
I doubt it
Revenge seems sweet until you do it and then realise that it doesn't feel that good after all.

The person you are cheating with you will eventually break up with
....and the next one
.....and the next one

You will be the side chick and be ducking and hiding from the other mans wife.
Better to leave the marriage than to put yourself through more unnecessary emotional stress
The day you have headache you will say maybe its because God is angry with you
Anyway I no get that kain power
im too high maintenance to be anyone's side chick.

Women have more emotional needs than men. We need more than just sex. How will the man I am cheating with be able to fill all those needs whist I am under someone else's roof?
Can he turn and give me a cuddle and kiss in the night whilst I am in my bed with my cheating husband and he is in bed at home with his wife?
Personally I think any woman that settles for this is just selling herself short.
Better to leave the marriage and find a 100% available & committed man. Not stolen minutes with lover boy in Macdonalds car park.

Localamos:
Honey, two wrongs can't make a right. If the husband cheats, it's wrong. If the wife cheats, it's wrong. And by wrong, I mean a sin against God and a crime against the law.
Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing, where you love each other in sickness and in health, in riches and in lack.
But what we have today is a situation where husband and wife have turned themselves to enemies. They allow their hearts to be filled with mutual distrust, acrimony and bitterness. Your spouse isn't your enemy, rather both of you should stand side by side to face your Common enemy. "One shall chase a thousand, but two shall chase ten thousand"
In the event where you have a cheating or abusive spouse, I think it's better to move out of his/her life instead of engaging him/her in wrongdoing.

I agree with your point of views. I think the summary of what the OP is saying is that cheating husbands should be treated the same way cheating wives are treated i.e no double standards.

tearoses:
Many people dont even understand what it is to be a leader
They think its just eating the biggest meat in the pot and being served hand and foot

Being leader is not beans
Some people don't even want to be leaders cos they know its not easy

A good leader puts his "subjects" first
Its about his "subjects" and not him
He listens
He steers
He takes calculated risks
He leads
He takes the blame when things go wrong
Being a leader has great responsibility
You are always the go to person 24/7
To lead effectively you must have so many qualities

Like I said, its not about beating your chest and saying I am the leader.
Show it!

Exactly! Distorted idea of leadership is one of the biggest problems in the world today and it emanates from the home as you have pointed out. A good leader doesn't even ask to be served or respected, it comes naturally.

I'm not an advocate of abuse of any kind but let's not forget that some men are also terrible with words and this can provoke the woman to 'abuse her man verbally'. In other words, both male and female should be mindful of their actions and words. MUTUAL RESPECT IS KEY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE.

andromida:
A woman can have all the money in the world and still be abused if she is emotionally and mentally weak and this goes for men as well.

I know many women who were financially dependent on their abusive husbands yet they had the presence of mind to leave the marriage and start all over again this was not easy for them in any way but they saw value in themselves and simply refused to tolerate abuse.

You have a point there. Again, it isn't enough to have emotional and financial strength. Women, especially those that have the financial capability should build houses. It doesn't matter if it is a hut with thatched roof, it doesn't have to be an expensive structure. It can be put up for rent. In case of domestic violence, she may not even go to her family for accommodation. Once she has her finances and shelter in place during the course of the marriage, the only thing left is to gather mental strength if the unexpected happens.
One thing I have observed is that once a man knows he can always get back with his wife through her family, he will have little or no respect for her. He lives with the impression that the woman can't survive without stipends from him or from her family. Afterall, some families will do anything to ensure their daughter stays married.

One of the major problems of most women is where to go. Even her own family may be reluctant to accommodate her. You know how divorced women are treated in our society. Although, this isn't enough reason to 'endure' domestic violence. The ultimate solution is that a woman should try as much as possible not to depend on anybody (even her family) for the three basic needs of humans - shelter, food and clothing. This will even earn her respect from a man and even her family.
Another thing is even if her family accommodates her, the man might come begging and if she refuses to bulge, the family might even turn against her. On the other hand, if a woman has her own shelter, whoever will talk her into accepting the man again will do that with utmost respect knowing fully well that they can't throw her out of her own house.
Therefore, a woman should try as much as possible not to rely on people for survival.

Personally, I don't attach any importance to engagement ring. So, even if I must wear an engagement ring, it will after the formal engagement in the presence of families and friends.

tearoses:
Sis You know the score
She got pregnant for the boy and her parents sent her off to go and live with the man who impregnated her
Do you listen to the songs the alagas sing at traditional wedding ceremony's
She sold herself short and as far as the MIL is concerned, she came through the back door so doesn't feel the need to treat or respect her as a wife
The boy too is relying on his mum for financial aid
Mama fe jeun omo but instead the boy is relying on her and bringing additional burden to her.
There is no way that all three of them (boy, girl and baby) wont be insulted
The girl has not reached her final destination yet. I pray they don't throw her out in the end. Even though the boy is on her side now, since the mama is the one buttering his bread, I hope he doesnt change tune soon.
She needs to get a job in the first instance

Exactly, you nailed it.
The funniest part is that even if they were married, the man would prefer her to stay with his mother and endure slavery than her own family, just to avoid insult from his own inlaws.This is one of the reasons why a lady should have a tangible source of income. Even as married woman, when your inlaws start taking responsibility for your upkeep, you will lose your self-respect and control of your home to them. You might even have to worship them just for you to survive.

The truth is that a woman's life should not just revolve around marriage. In other words, both career and marriage have their place in the life of a woman as well as a man. Personally, I wouldn't advise any woman to sacrifice one for the other, not even with the level of uncertainties attached to today's marriages. If for any reason the marriage eventually collapses, the man might find solace in his career while the woman will just become empty and hopeless. I also think men should learn to be disciplined as it is less likely that a woman will move on to the next man even if he neglects his marriage for career. In other words, a marriage belongs to and concerns both the man and the woman who must contribute in all ramifications to make it work.

demiladegold:
okay, so a nigerian guy asked me out on a date and here in kenya all this guys get knacked so much by kenyan girls that nigerian girls be like trash to them.... so you can imagine how thrilled i was when fine naija guy dey beg me for a date.

after begging me plenty times na him i agree o

the guy was so nice, we went to one nice restaurant, had launch, saw a 7d cinema, and he even bought me some things. the sweetest thing was after all this he just got me a cab and i went home. not one mention of sex.

when i got home, i did the usual and sent him a thank you message for the date.. we started chatting and one thing led to another and he asked me if i was a virgin. na in i come talk say yes o.

next thing i knew the guy told me "i run away from virgins. i find them childish and annoying and it irritates me"

i shock!

me that was thinking he would be proud that fine girl like me can stilll be a virgin...

okay so the thing behind this long tori wey i don write be say i just wan ask

GUYS! WHATS YOUR TAKE ON VIRGIN GIRLS?

That guy doesn't appear to want a meaningful relationship with you. It's better you walk away if you want to wait till after marriage.

akanbiaa:
Ladies should stop taking drinks if they visit a guy or better still come with your own drink since no way of differenciating bad guy from good guy, there is a drug which i dont want to mention so others wount indulge in it, the drug makes a woman have desire for sex which she cant help stopping because of the power of the drug but the side effect is that it will destroy the womb of the girl and can destroy pregnancy also, so be vigilant

Very true.

ahnie:
@op i wont advice you to divorce your husband.my 2 sister inlaws pretend alot.they wil laugh with you in your front n jawzag you behind.i stopped callin the eldest abt 3years ago due to her pretentous altitude.the second i stop callin her last year,because she z a backstabber also.infact whenever they comes around,i'd greet them,give them food n the rest,and fiam am off to my room or jejely leave the house,or devote my time to browsin n my child.point z...just try and ignore them pay less attention to dia gibberish,and trust me...you're gonna be FINE.

Na real war o. I would prefer they don't even get close to me than pretending to like me. One really needs to be cautious of revealing herself to such people.

Op, sorry about what you are passing through. I'll advise that no matter how close you are to your inlaws, it isn't a good idea to deliberately put yourself at the receiving end. An example is the fact that you are working with your sister-in-law. That's really too close for comfort. Please, make sure you start saving if you haven't been doing so and start looking for alternative sources of income. If you get broke tomorrow, you'll be on your own and your husband will cling to his family.

Cutehector:
Mchew.. any lady wey dey wait for man to cook for am is a lazy ass dummy...



What I have written, I have written

So, any man waiting for a lady to contribute financially is hardworking, right?

jeenah:
Hey everyone. am Jeenah by Name.
Actually this got my friends and I talking for a long time. Some were like" why not start giving birth after wedding" and some were like " Why giving yourself stress immediately after wedding?"[right][/right]
[quote author=Richiy post=44510189]Marriage is not for having children strictly. It is for you and your partner to get to be with each other (finally) and enjoy having each other around first, then kids will come later.
As for me, I have to wait for at least one year before I start thinking of kids

I strongly agree with your views. Most especially for ladies, the waiting period might even be an opportunity to test the loyalty of your in-laws, although it's just a year. If they start making trouble, it is not likely that they will support you in trying times. As much as possible, you'll need to be self-sufficient to the extent that you will hardly need their assistance and avoid being at the receiving end as far as they are concerned.

keyman0007:
I started this talk last year and we had a big fight on it already.

but bros you mean i shd wait 2 years for her?

Introduction still means no sex, kisses.

how is a man of 28 year who is sexually active suppose to hold himself for like 2 years



I stopped seeing other ladies all for her. it is nt as easy as you think it is.

Even being in a distance relationship is painful enough.

I'm beginning to think that girl will be better off without you. You seem to believe that you're doing her a favour by accepting a no-sex relationship whereas, that's the ideal thing until you both get married. Please, leave her to pursue her dreams. On the issue of sex or no sex, I'll advise you get a lady that shares the same belief with you.

Op, what have you decided to do about this issue?

Boeing777pilot:
Let them sort out their issues without third party interference.

If you heard your brother beat up his wife would you arrange for him to be beaten up?

I disagree with this. If it was the wife that abused her hubby, his family members will be the ones to throw her out of their matrimonial home.

An individual's decision to remain a virgin till marriage says a whole lot about his/her character. Considering the height of moral decadence in today's world and the fact that male virginity cannot be tested, I give kudos to men who have decided to wait till marriage. Personally, if I'm to marry a non-virgin man, I don't think I'll be able to trust him fully for obvious reasons:
* It is very possible he has a child somewhere that he may not even know about. Such might cause havoc in future.
* I can't dispute the possibility that he has contributed to at least an abortion
* He has the tendency of cheating

Dependency isn't a gender-specific thing in a relationship or marriage. Every human that isn't physically challenged should be self-sufficient to a reasonable extent, both financially and otherwise.
However, the quality of orientation parents give kids propagates the ENTITLEMENT MENTALITY. Going by the modern standard, female children are taught to be domesticated and also financially independent but boys are taught to provide without making them see the importance of being domesticated.
Just imagine a boyfriend of less than 6 months expecting his girlfriend to do domestic chores for him even though she isn't constituting a burden to him both financially and otherwise - AN INSTANCE OF MALE DEPENDENCE.
With this pattern, it is likely to see marriage where the woman believes the PROVIDER should buy her personal/petty things e.g sanitary towels regardless of what she earns while the man also considers it mandatory for the HOME MAKER to undertake his personal hygiene e.g doing his laundry. Personally, I see nothing wrong if a HOME MAKER loves the PROVIDER to the extent of even bathing him till death separates them. Also, I am not against a PROVIDER that loves the HOME MAKER to the extent of buying her sanitary towels and even 10naira matches. (As long as these gestures come from the heart).
Unfortunately, regardless of who the dependent person is in marriage, THE WOMAN BEARS THE BRUNT of the situation most especially because of societal views. Take a look at this scenario:
A husband that is financially challenged should be supported by his wife especially if she also works or at least, remain with him and soak garri together if she isn't working.
A wife that is unable to perform domestic functions in the home due to infirmity or physical challenge is most likely to be replaced (openly or secretly) with the support of her inlaws and husband's friends. Whereas, the same friends and family will castigate the woman if she leaves abandons him because of financial problems (not minding whether he is even poorer than a church rat).