₦airaland Forum

ummmmm, isnt today supposed to be submission day? Why is the thread still locked?

lovingangel: hi peju ve bin a follower of ur story n I must confess uve got an interesting story.... ve sent a frnd request to u on fb for d past 2month now and u fail to acknowledge it.

I'm sorry, I'm hardly ever on fb, what's your name, I'll search and add u.

Hi guys, been away for a short while, but thanks for the wonderful comments. I'm grateful.

U guys who don't want this story to end are tempting me to keep it going..... But all good things have to end sometime. .

Thanks very much guys, I appreciate.

Hod898, thank you . Vicki ro, ghozye, jumizie, melancholy, every one, thank you.

Dandollaz, lol, its john dumelo I want as Ise, ivy nelson/ tonto dike as kite and Nadia buari as Vicki. . As for price, let's talk that one in private .


Captainnigeria, its obvious you don't read much or you'all know not all stories have to be suspenseful. Thanks for running along, this thread is privileged to have one less irritant.


Jendell, larochelle, please save your energies for more deserving people......

What genre would you guys have preferred? @ glowing and princessa

Romance : FALSE PRETENSES by REPOGIRL

Horror: GHOST FULL by SLICKEST

Adventure: NYSC by MAZI OMENUKO

Crime: THE RELIGION by FRANK 3:16

Fantasy: CHOCOLATES AND SUSHI by GLOWING SCENES

Thriller: TENTH GENERATION by FRANK 3:16

....and so we know who the finalists are....can't wait for the show down!!!

E Neva do jare, plain mirror needs to get it hot and spicy. Seems the only reason he accepted Efeminaxy's analysis was because he thought she was male.

The guy has got some issues with females that he needs to settle with himself.

plainmirror: @ Efemena_xy
You are a good fellow.

This is how appraisals should come. You appreciate †нэ good sides and discourage †нэ flaw area without hurting †нэ writer. This way, †нэ potential writer will gladly accept error and happily improve.
I hope these female judges that claim to 'know too many' learn from you.

Thanks bro

Bro?

Mr Troll: In summary. . .:Vicky dies at the end but her boyfriend survives and is arrested. Kite comes out alive from the mess and gets married to Ise. . . .

that's your summary, not mine.

Sammy Hoe: Repo girl, Ishilove and Omolola, so so sorry for my harshness on you.Don't mind me jare. Because I know how to apologize 70×7 times a day that's why I sometimes go beyond my limit. As from today no more dictionary for me till further notice.
Hope una don forgive me.

its okay.

Awwwww, thanks guys although I have to confess that I didn't give dat chapter my best as I was sleepy when I completed it but you guys are a wonderful audience, thanks.

I guess we fight, then make up and then fight again. . Cycle of life.

Sammy Hoe: this is not a matter of vexation but the one of poor criticism. your judgement here is based only on how funny a story seems to be. if such was d case Soyinka wouldn't have won the nobel.

poor? Lol, Anything said that doesn't favour you, I'm sure you'll consider poor. You have someone like Ishi and HBG, who aren't novices at this thing correcting you but you being too pig headed to listen. Well, it's your party, no one is bringing you down on purpose, I said it like I read it.

my judgment based on humour? Now you make me laugh, your mind is obviously warped with so much bias toward your own work that I wouldn't know where to start with you. Miss fibre didn't have much humour in her piece, did it reach my final five? It did.

kslib had quite some humour in his, did it reach my final five? It didn't.

Soyinka never used words for the fun of it, choose your words for a reason not because it would be impressive, I can follow Soyinka's work, yours...... Oh my Lord!

your mind really needs some growing up to do, listen to corrections instead of fighting with the people who correct you, and the next time you won't go posting the link to your story on the popular threads in this section begging for readers!

Good day all, before I drop my analysis, I would like to thank the contributors for doing this, its so brave putting yourself and your work out there for some random people to judge. Thank you, I do hope you learn from this experience, well done all!

Since there are many judges here who can take on the grammatical aspect of it, I'm going to focus on the appeal of it to a reader, this is from my point of view.

Miss Fibre: THE MAN WITHIN

I loved your piece, as an imaginative person, it did wonders in my mind. It was great but I doubt the title was right, maybe JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY would have been better or DREAM VOYAGE. Since it was a fantasy piece, the go ahead was there to do wonders with your words and illustrative skills, I think you did good, for a story under 2500 words.

For me, it felt good to read, intriguing, suspenseful but a really deflating conclusion. I'd expected something extra ordinary when he'd finally met the King himself. The dream conclusion wasn't bad in itself, the problem was in failing to tie it with the story.

You could have made it seem like Ezegamba finally had a revelation to things which had been troubling his mind for a long while, instead of him just waking up and moving along like nothing of consequence had happened.Try not to leave loose ends in a story, let it all come together

Thats all I have to say on it, you did a good job, keep up the good work.


PLAIN MIRROR:

Like I said earlier, some days back, your work was rushed, or seemed that way. To which you replied to Kayemjay that you like to write it raw. Fine, just edit it after writing it, cos it doesnt make it any less fresh, just better.

The introduction, i.e the first post was rushed and quite dis organized, you said so much and were just rambling on and on. You don't need so many words to drive home a point, it gets boring and makes readers scroll through and just want to get to the real story already. Let every sentence count, dont let your work be unnecessarily bulky, its annoying.

The plot was just okay, a bit weak or maybe it was in the way the story was told? I would advice that when you write these sort of things, you could infuse some exaggeration in it, add humour and make it a lot more interesting.

Also, you should use paragraphs more, it helps make your work more understandable, instead of just jumbling all the sentences together. The first sentence in a new paragraph summarises the next point you are going to deliver, while the next three or four sentences in that paragraph do a little more explaining. Cluster your work in paragraphs and you'll see it will feel a lot more appeasing even to you, instead of just going through one loooong story.

Lets take a look at one sentence you made.

Despite coming from a middle class family (we dey chop three square meal daily), I never gave d gossipers any reason to think otherwise, in fact I enjoyed d gossips because it enveloped me with an air of unpredictability.

correction:
I was actually from a middle class family since we dey manage chop three square meals daily, but I never gave the gossips any reason to think otherwise since I enjoyed it especially as it enveloped me with an unpredictable air.

Just a little quick example on how I think you can bring your work together, make it less bulky and put some kind of finesse into it. Link your sentences together, let it flow easy and breezy, since you're a fan of Flow 1759, then flow easy like him too.

My final word to you, after writing your first draft, go back and smoothen the edges, get rid of words and stuff you don't need and focus on words that add value to your story. Good attempt, the more you write, the more you'll figure yourself.


ROYVER: THE HAUNTED ROAD

Now, this was a thoroughly enjoyable piece, took me back to the days when I read Goose bump books. It was great and I definitely know you've been writing for a while, structure, organization was good, from beginning till the end. I'm a fan, I will definitely read your work anytime. You developed your two characters well enough, giving us a little back story on them, so we knew where they were coming from. This made us root for the old woman and wish hell on the assailant.

No words or illustration went to waste, everything came together, forming a well crafted, organised, short story. You're great, no doubt about it, I'll be looking out for your work.

KSLIB: WHAT LURKS IN THE DARK?

I'm surprised you didn't title it ALL IZZ WELL, another enjoyable one, held quite some humour which was good. In need of re editing though, as some sentences could have been better crafted and some not needed at all.

You also need to link your sentences better, use commas and conjunctions to bring two or three sentences together instead of full stop. It makes for a smoother flow. The workwas good but a bit rough, just a bit.

You did well, good job.

BESTLUV584: THE WISH OF THE GODS.

Bestluv, i just want to commend you for the courage to put yourself out here first before I go into your story. It lacked a lot, you had numerous grammatical blunders, tenses all over the place, your past and present tense were not in agreement at all. wrong spellings and no use of quotation marks signalling when speech was being made.

Also if Ikems wife was that nasty, why did she come in saying sweetheart and baby? quite contradictory of you and conflicting to the way her character had been portrayed by Ikem, don't you think?

Not much back story on the characters, you didn't do justice to them at all as you didn't give your readers enough reason why your characters would just kill off them selves. To commit suicide easy like that?

Next time, take time to map out your story, your characters, their selling point, what it is about them we should sympathise with or love. Describe them very well so your readers can understand their plight, it will give your story some depth and flesh and it wouldn't be so short.

I'll say a trying attempt, the story was there but a grossly underdeveloped plot.

SAMMY HOE; THE SEARCH FOR MONALISA

Sammy ehhhhh! You wan kee person with grammar, Habatically! I had to take panadol before, during and after your work. Na wa, I doubt its healthy for you to carry all those ogbongetic words in your head, even Wole Soyinka will advice you against it.

It was all so unnecessary. How do you expect people to flow along with you? By keeping a dictionary by the side? Haba nao, you were trying to impress but seriously it depressed instead. Your story would have been enjoyable, funny even but for your words.

Illustration and description exagerrated to a point I didnt know whether to like something or hate it. It was quite confusing, I don't know if others felt the same, I'm talking about the image of the girl.

I got the general picture sha which was cool, a thriteen year old boy crushing on a painting and his world being dashed when he found out she had never existed.

All in all, you should tone it down. Less is more, even in writing except you are your for your PH.D exams or something. Good work.

RUBY SPICE; SOON TO BE MRS ADEBAYO

Ruby, Yours was romance in genre but I really didn't feel that vibe. You know.....that feeling romance does to your system? It wasnt there. It was a good narrative but I didn't feel the love or the pain of the narrator.

You should have focused more on the narrator's back story, made us know more about him. How he'd met the love of his life, how he felt so empty when she wasn't around, how he'd toiled and worked extremely hard because he'd had nothing. How he'd struggled to get her attention and made her fall in love with him. It was quite flat, there was no crescendo before the cli'max of the story.

Instead of just narrating a story, let that story impact the reader by infusing some action, put in scene's like the first time he'd seen her, maybe he'd done something silly and embarrassing but it had gotten her attention. It isn't just about saying he loves her, we have got to feel that love and to feel that love, there have got to be some series of things that happened to make us believe it.

Your conclusion would have even been way better if you'd made it to seem like he'd been about to propose to her that day when she hit him with the news that she'd gotten married the previous weekend. Hit your readers with what they'd never expect, choose words carefully that would sort of punch us in the face with realisation, instead of just taking it slow and steady, till the end.

I hope you understood me sha, felt like I was blabbing, dnt mind me, romance is my thing. Good use of english, i wonder if you're a poet cos your writing seemed that way. You did have some problems with the tenses, just be careful about it next time, it happens to some of us sometimes.

Good try, you've got something here.


NUGES 11; PINKY SNICKETS.

Our very own Ace Ventura. Now, here was one of the funniest and creative stories I'd read in a while. It was really a series of unfortunate, unpredictable events. You took me on a roller coaster ride of fun, it was great, your flow, smooth and easy to go along with, I tell you , I didn't want the story to end.

I wont say much here, you know how you want to be seen as a writer, you have a comfortable style. All I'll say is well done.


NASTYDROID; A JOURNEY TO AKURE

Oh my word, droid, to tell you the truth, I didn't like that story, it seemed forced. writing isn't force, its kinda like a craft. Like being a painter, its not something every one can do. You went on and on and on bout nothing really in particular until you got to the robbery part which didn't take much time to end. the robbery was the main point in your story, you should have focused more on that that giving us a detailed account of your family life.

i dont remember much of the story, as I thought it was yawningly boring, next time map out a pattern. This goes to all writers sef, pack your punches and hit us in the face one after another, don't just run through a story flatly and even when theres a hint of something happening, its over before it's even started.

I coommend your bravado in participating, good try.

SAMBROOSE; TWO WRONGS.

Sambroose, I wanted to like your story. To me it wasnt a bad attempt, quite short though. It didnt give much, quite simple with a simple message also. It was safe. Your use of english was okay, i think but there were more intriguing tales here in this competition.

My advice, in a competition as this, you've got to put together something that will have everyone either rolling on the floor with laughter, scared out of their wits with horror or moved to tears with passion and anger. You've got to step it up, passive stories will be passed over. Be much more imaginative, thats the way to get noticed. Good effort, try way harder next time.

DAMEX333; MOMENT OF TRUTH.

Okay Damex, your work was already critiqued earlier where you'd blamed it on rushing and your device issues so I wont say much here. Your story was okay. Nothing really new and exciting.

My advice is imagine more! Imagine big! You are a writer, your mind is your instrument for carving out wonderful things. You can make anything happen, dont be safe, think different, I always tell myself this when I'm writing. How can I grab attention, how can I be different? Even when writing a normal story people have seen before, how can I make it my own so people dont forget it?

Also, instead of breaking your story into modules, I think you should have found a way to piece it together, so it formed one narrative and what did that dream in the beginning have to do with anything?
You've got something but you've got to harness it better. Good job. Although I'm still not sure that phrase best concluded the story.


TFLOW; DARK CHOCOLATE

I liked it, it was heart warming and romantic, just the way I like it served. You began well, gave us a great back story and got me rooting for your love. it was sappy and I love sappy, the sappier the better for me. It was predictable but who cares? You took us on the wonderful journey of how two friends became lovers, it was good, well done.

Your flow was easy breezy, not much fuss. Structure good, organization, great, illustration, great too, a little bout of humour. You did well.

P.S, I love a sassy heroine anyday.


NUMERO UUUNO; THE JOURNEY TO GREATNESS

Good use of english but the story didnt do so much for me, maybe the delivery was weak? I didnt feel the story sha.

Your first four paragraphs were commanding but I dont think the rest of the story really flowed along the same lines. You had an inspiring message for people living with SS which was good.

The story was okay, Good.... but I needed an extra zing.

ABU MICKEY; POWER HUNGRY.
First question I'll ask you, are you sure some people aren't power hungry? Power can be addictive thing and the only way to know if you're immune is to have a taste of it. Okay, on to the story. It was Okay....I've got to ask again, what did that dream havta do with anything?

The plot wasnt much for me, I think it was kind of all over the place, problems with your tenses also. some irrelevant, undeveloped parts, that is, the president and his advisers conversation over phone. You need to pick an angle and develop that angle very well. The story didnt give much, your characters watched passively as power was changing hands, no explanation, nothing.

It didnt do it for me, but I commend the effort, use of english wasnt too bad, just look out for your tenses.

OMA4U; TITLELESS

I liked your story, it was good although I thought Ajayi and and aarinola getting together like that was abit soon. Good one though, You did a good job, structure, organisation and illustration were good. It didnt pack much of a punch and wasnt really fresh but it was your work and you wrote it well.

A little more imagination and you're good to go, remember always try to be different and memorable, thats what will set you apart from others.
Good work!


NAME CONTEN ORGANIZATION ILLUSTRATIVE SKILLS
MISS FIBRE 6 6 7 - 19

PLAIN MIRROR 4 5 5 - 14

ROYVER 8 8 8 - 24

KSLIB 6 6 6 - 18

BEST LUV 2 4 3 - 9

SAMMY HOE 5 7 6 - 18

RUBY 5 6 6 - 17

NUGES 8 7 7 -22

NASTY D. 4 4 5 - 13

SAMB. 5 5 6 - 16

DAMEX 5 5 6 - 16

TFLOW 7 7 7 - 21

NUMERO U. 6 6 6 - 18

ABU MICKEY 5 6 6 - 17

OM4U 6 7 7 - 20

Therefore my top five nominees are:

ROYVER, NUGES11, TFLOW, OM4U, MISS FIBRE.

awright, thats it for now. My next chapter should be the final, if all goes well. thanks for your patience and impatience, all join.

gal 10, lol, na wa o, u no even let me finish.

.

.

Vickii Ro: Eh!!!!!!..So u get belle since na iim u nor talk mak I dey help u dey re-arrange some kind pigeons dem face fr here?
Repoboy on d way...Hehe
Tell Papa Repo say I dey hail ooo...nd he shld tak vewi gud care of u for us kwanu.
If he cnt do it alone,I cn import Mynd 2 come help out with household chores ya knw.
Well take gud care sha and God be with u and our baby.
XoXo

Thanks Vick

Now guys, here is the much awaited update. Sleep dey catch me as I dey write am so just bear with it.

waistaa: over to glowingscenes. and the secrets of the gods by frank3.16 wen i knw saw ur tori don finito i go cum round am up.njoy ur jobles comment wiv out update

throws comment into recycle bin in my mind. If I tok now.....

Popowaa: Aunty Repo sorry oo.Didnt knw u were pregnant i nw understand ur mood swings.Sorry once again and may God see u through all the trimesters.Happy Pregnancy and congratulate Papa Repo for me

thanks much.

Okay.......damex got me smiling again. Guys I'll give you an update tomorrow.

enough of all the harsh words already. Come back tomorrow for update, oya bye bye.

Damex333: haba- neva vex na, you brought it up and i only help you in buttressing the idea. Oya, let of order a bottle of ice-cold viju milk, that sud do i hope?

, viju milk makes me throw up these days, I prefer viju choco.

Sondy, lol, I have arrived ke? Arrived where? Its not like am making money here, its not like I'm going to win a prestigious world renowned award, its not like I'm a known best selling author, so where am I arriving to?

I do this because I want to see how readers will take the story, I need you guys help too to write better, I listen to your praises, critic and suggestions but I will not take kindly to insults, however mild and camouflaged they seem, check my first ever post on this thread.

Damex333: Pls, lock the thread and let it go to the back of our followed topics, so that we won't keep wasting our megabyte wen we see ur name as the last person that posted something, thinking you don update. So tell mynd to lock it, or should i help you!?

did I ask for your help?

I'm tired of this back and forth and some ugly comments that keep popping up, best thing for me I think, is to ask the mod to lock this thread until I can post again.
sorry for any inconvenience but I think its needed before some people begin getting a distorted view of who I am.

Sammy Hoe: The harsher it is, the move you are to improve.

I can't comprehend this grammar o. Could you please reframe it?

Glossary
Comprehend- understand

ehya, person don really vex o.

, writers go soon lynch judges o....Sammy hoe ..... Pelepele, it ain't personal. Even best selling authors haven't seen those kind of words in that your short story.