phreakabit: The hairy nosed moronic salamander strikes again. A governor known for his "anti-people" policies more than anything else. Comes up with white elephant project seamlessly, never completes any projects and makes life harder for the majority of his beloved voters. I laugh in Igbo.

wow, apparently, governors in the South East are building Dubai and New York down east, right?

Nigerians and short attention span.....did you guys miss the "at a stretch" part of the entire thing or do most people not understand what "at a stretch" means? Besides, do all drivers start work at the same time that some people complain that there would be no buses once the 8 hour stretch is up? or do people think Lagos' transport system runs like Formula 1? Jeez, comprehension, people!

Vivly: How come none of the listed annoying things has ever happened to me :-/

Lolz, I can send you a bottle of tiny pills to try your luck!

samilo88:
Kano+lag+ph greater than 10 states. Ibadanfinest or whatever pseudonym you give yourself, go to bed you are drunk on fermented ibadan palm wine..

Actually, by bare numbers alone, Lagos, Kano and Rivers put together have a combined population greater than the populations of the ten least populated states in Nigeria

livingstoneony: dear God y m I not in power I will declare 3days free to beat any Indian u see.

okay, this was funny!

demelza: You are too kind

demelza: LOL!!!
This piece should come with a disclaimer, your little problems shouldnt drive you to suicide.
No. 1 is hella hilarious.

Fixed!!!

homesteady: No1 is the most annoying! Then No4!
Nice one sebonza!

I've noticed that your topics don't make frontpage again! Did you quarrel with any super-mod?

Lolz!!! Mii mo o! Anyways, i've not really been posting of late as I just started a job. But i've settled in so i now know when I have time to return to writing and posting!

There are some times it feels like life is just out to simply Bleep with us till we jump off a bridge or shoot someone’s grandfather. Annoyingly, these times are like every day. No, I’m not talking about your container drowning in the high seas or walking in on your wife giving it up to Bassey, your 17 year old house boy. I’m talking about things like…

1) The two pill situation: Okay, you just finished taking a meal. The prescription on the bottle of pills you’re about to take from says one pill after every meal. You open the bottle, tilt it towards your open palm and shake it a bit.

Two pills pop out.

You tilt in the opposite direction for one to return to the bottle.

Both of them fall back in.

You heave a sigh of frustration and return to your initial motion.

Thi time, four pills happily bounce out.

Steam is now emanating from your ears and you can feal your brain begin to pulsate as you reverse the motion.

Three pills return to the bottle.

You heave a sigh of relief.

The last pill falls to the floor and rolls behind the fridge.

You go to the window, open it wide and take a leap out.



2)The everlasting line of dust: Ah, it is morning and you’ve just finished saying your prayers. Next up is to begin house chores. You pick up your broom and set to work, sweeping the entire room. After you’re done, you take the dust pan and sweep the dirt on to it, then stand up to survey the beauty of your work.

Wait, there is still a small line of dust.

You bend and use your broom to sweep it up onto the dust pan.

Ah, there we ar….

No, there is still a line of dust right there.

You are now feeling very frustrated as you bend for what has to be the one billionth time to sweep it up.

The line of dust is right there, singing halleluya for all its worth.

You use your leg to spread the dust all around, muttering darkly about the folly of dust and the evil spirits that live in dirt.



3)The pit hole conundrum: You are standing in front of the mirror, telling yourself how wonderful you are and what a blessing God has made you to the eyes of all the females around. You are just about moving into giving yourself that speech about how perfect you are when you notice a small flaw.

The small forest under your armpits.

Moving swiftly, you grab a disposable shaving stick and set to work, with the help of a mirror, clearing the offending undergrowth. After ten minutes of effusive work, you rinse of and examine your progress. It is all gone…..except one tiny patch right at the center of the pits.

You lather up again, taking care to send the shaving stick as far down as it gets without carving your armpit up into meat for sale. You rinse off again.

The jungle still exists, like a small island in the clear area of your armpits.

You’re now close to the end of your tether and if you try this again and you still see that hair, you might blow your brains out.

You going for another return leg, this time twisting your arms and shoulders into painful positions just to make sure the shaving stick gets there.

You rinse off, now sure that the whole thing is gone.

Nope, it is right there, asking you “how market?”

You go out to buy bullets for a shotgun so you can put yourself out of the crushing misery.



4)The rolling stones: You’re walking home from work, exhausted and indulging in your favorite fantasy of how you would tie your bust to a pulp one day and beat the hell out of her. Suddenly, you’re feeling discomfort in your foot as you notice a tiny pebble has rolled into shoe. You squirm around a bit to allow the pebble roll down under foot, then continue walking.

You are now feeling a different kind of discomfort as each time you step on the ground, you re stepping on the pebble, which is rather painful. You twist your foot around again for it to roll to the front of the shoe where there is a bit more space. This time, it goes to nestle right at the tip of your big toe. So any minor movement you make, you find your toe poking a small but now somehow noticeably sharp pebble.

You take off your shoe and throw it at the nearest Mopol officer.


E don be.

http://zakuraweekly.com/four-simple-but-really-annoying-things-that-happen-to-you-almost-everyday/


Update: (At the behest of our dearest Demelza, i've decided to add this disclaimer: If any of these things does drive you to commit suicide..................i'm always available to inherit your property !)

Ajibel: These were the ones I found when my I was looking for a school for my sis for junior sec:
Select primary and second sch
Normal primary and secondary school
Great powers college

*forgotten the fourth one** I didn't even bother to enter the gate.. Their names turned me off

Great powers? Are they training mutants?

Kingslaw: ; kings and queens college
Rumuigbo community sec school
isiokpo commercial school
dogmax private institute
......

dogmax?!!!!

So you want to send your kids to school. And you’re looking through a catalog of schools…and then come across the following names……

Proper Arsenal International Secondary School: I would not have believed this one if I had not seen their school buses myself while on a BRT bus somewhere at Ojota. I had to be sure my eyes were seeing properly. What would make a someone name a school Proper Arsenal? Was there improper Arsenal. Or Proper Chelsea? Or Liverpool? Jusy imagine being a graduate of said school and you’re asked to give a short bi of yourself while speaking at a condference:

“My name is Okolo Adebola Yusuf. I attended Proper Arsenal Secondary School……..”

The sniggering that would follow that will haunt you for the rest of your life.


Bolafag (Memorial?) Secondary School - Look, there is nothing wrong in the Bola that started the name…..as there is in the “gay” that ended it. One would think it is a school for homosexuals. Students of this school would never live down the fun that would be poked at them by students of other schools. The only thing that would be worse than this would be Gay Pride International Schools.

Bankys Private School – I don’t know what a Bankys is. And the only Banky we’re all familiar with is the bald headed Banky W. When he created a school and named it after himself, I have no idea. Or is someone trying to leverage on the popularity of his name to sell a school?

Aunty Ayo International Secondary School – Someone should explain why the “Aunty” in the name of the school is such a necessity. Next we’ll see cousin, uncle and My Pikin Secondary School.

Laweezy School – There would have been nothing wrong with the name f this school if it did not sound like the name of a rapper. The head of the school must be called a “Boss” (pronounced the way Rick Ross does it – baws)

Rolex Comprehensive College – No, you didn’t read that wrong.

Jextoban Secondary School– Is it just me or does that sound like the name of a drug?

IQ Academy – Really?

Things To Come International Academy – The secondary school for “Things That Have Gone Primary School”.

Titsall Global Schools – Tits all?

Rahinna Model Primary and Secondary School – I could swear someone made a type while typing the school’s license. It was probably mean tot be Rihanna Model etc…

Now we’ve all seen the pictures of Facebook School and President Barrack Obama Senior High School. I don’t want to believe those till I see them with both my eyes. Got any more crazy school names? Add em up!!!

http://zakuraweekly.com/quick-shots-crazy-nigerian-secondary-school-names/

You can subscribe to Zakura Weekly, the craziest weekly digimag by yours truly here: http://zakuraweekly.com/subscribe-to-zakura-weekly/. It won't take any of your time, trust me on that!

iebanehita: szenbo!

What of 2go, whatsapp, bbm, badoo etc.

those ones are for "How Nigerians Use Chat Rooms/Instant Messaging" and "Nigerians Behave On Dating Sites" which are coming up.

Nonso23: This guy again... Sometimes i wonder if you are a spirit floating around and observing people's bad habits... This article is sooooo sooooo true o.

lolz, na so o!

Everybody hates a show off. Unfortunately, pretty much every one of us is a terrible, terrible show off (including yours truly). However, there are people that transcend the mundane world (sorry!!!) of plain show offs and cross over into the region of super show-offs. However, be thankful, because we’ve figured out exactly how to spot a super show-off.

1) They give totally irrelevant answers to simple questions just to draw attention to what they are showing off: Super show-offs like to make sure that you notice that N50,000 wristwatch they just purchased. But how can they do that when you are asking them about what happened in church last weekend?

The conversation:

You: Hey, can you remember the important announcement Pastor made last Sunday?

Super show-off: I had to leave early because of the time (flexing wristwatch in your face). I was running late for an appointment and I was terribly behind time (flexing wristwatch which, at this point, you can’t avoid seeing). I eventually got there late because I took too much time (flexing wristwatch again, nearly clocking you in the face with wrist)

You: (Now so pissed you want to purchase a hacksaw and lop off the hand with the wristwatch) FINE!!! I HAVE SEEN YOUR WRISTWATCH! NOW CAN YOU TELL ME IF YOU REMEMBER THE ANNOUNCEMENT OR NOT!


2) They give completely vague answers just so they can get a chance to blow your mind (and dignity) with what they want to show off: Try asking a super show-off a simple question like where they were last week or who you saw them with at a club. If you get a vague answer, your worst mistake would be to ask for more details…or say anything at all. Just say nothing and walk away.

The conversation:

You: Seems like you’ve not been around for a while. Where have you been?

Super Show-Off: Well, here and there…

You: Really?

Super Show-Off: Well, actually, I traveled to the United States a few weeks ago for my younger brother’s wedding. You know, I sponsored the wedding so I had to be present there with the rest of the family. Cost a lot of money, you know how expensive all these flight tickets are! Then from there I crossed over into Canada to visit a few of my family members that have been living there for a long time and have just simply refused to come back to Nigeria; just imagine! I spent a few days there sha, travelling across Canada before I had to fly to Germany for a bit of serious work; you know I have a few business contacts there….

You: (Wanting to acquire a shotgun to either blast yourself dead or blow super show-off’s brains out)



3) They give waaaay too much detail to questions with really simple answers: It is never enough for a super show off to just give you the answer to the question you just asked. Because if they do, they won’t have any chance of showing you just how perfect their life is and how full of crap yours is.

The conversation:

You: Oh, hi! How have you been?

Super Show-Off: Oh, I’m fine! I’ve…

You: (Cutting SSO off because you know a long litany of all the wonderful things he/she has been up to that you will never do in your life is about to follow shortly) Oh and how is little Tola?

Super Show-Off: Oh, wonderful! Do you know he came third in a quiz competition in school? He takes after me completely (apparently, you are as thick as two short planks), he is such a brilliant boy! (and your child is as thick as four). It was such a difficult quiz and most of the brilliant kids in his class weren’t even able to keep up (if your kid is in same class, things just got worse for him/her). This is the third time he is ranking in the top three in quizzes just this term alone.

You: (At this point, the smile on your face is so plastic, it can be used to make takeout containers and you are stopping just shy of wishing that child brain cancer). Oh my child has…..won stuff too….

Super Show-Off: (Patronizingly) Oh, I’m sure he/she has! But Tola is such an amazing child….


4) They always bring the topic back to what they are showing off: No matter how hard you try, a super show off always wants to show what they’ve got off. So they will always try to bring the conversation back to what they are showing off proving to you that whatever you have to talk about (that accident you were recently involved in/global warming/the size of our president’s shoes) it is totally unimportant compared to their awesome stuff.

The conversation:

You: So did you watch Arsenal’s match yesterday.

Super Show-Off: Of course, tough match! The funny thing is that I watched the first leg of this match live! Yeah, when I travelled to London last month, I totally watched Arsenal play Sunderland at The Emirates! I even took a picture with Aaron Ramsey and I have a signed jersey from Olivier Giroud. And I got to shake Arsene Wenger’s…

You: That match was tough sha. But Liverpool are now top of the table abi? Or second? Those guys look like they will play really good football this season.

Super Show-Off: Abi? I even wanted to go watch a match at Anfield when I was in the UK last month, y’know, for the experience but I had to skip to France for a bit but that was like two days after watching the Gunners play at Emirates. Infact, lemme show you the picture I took with Ramsey…… (taking out phone while you stand there looking like a complete idiot).



So in case you didn’t know, here’s the best way to deal with a super show-off, asides buying an assault rifle and blasting them to smithereens: WALK AWAY!

(That doesn’t always work, though. Some of them will follow you, regaling you with tales of how they met The Queen at Buckingham Palace and had lunch with Fashola…..)

http://zakuraweekly.com/how-to-spot-a-super-show-off/

You can subscribe to Zakura Weekly, the craziest weekly digimag by yours truly here: http://zakuraweekly.com/subscribe-to-zakura-weekly/. It won't take any of your time, trust me on that!

esbjay@gmail.co:
dont u know u are advertising for the school too? because ther phone no and ther address is ther

Lolz, not really my concern. I didn't put this up so the guy would put down his ad board. I only saw something I found interesting and decided to share. good luck to the school if someone decides to send their kids there based on a pic they saw on the internet.

Okay, I spotted this guy as I was heading to the mall to buy a few items. Coming back two hours later, this guy was still standing right at there in the pouring rain. It was at that point I did the reasonable thing; took a picture to share on the internet. The guys at Lord's Chosen have nothing on this brother!

(And how much would they pay this guy for standing all day?)

http://zakuraweekly.com/quick-pic-the-new-face-of-nigerian-advertising/

You can subscribe to Zakura Weekly, the craziest weekly digimag by yours truly here: http://zakuraweekly.com/subscribe-to-zakura-weekly/. It won't take any of your time, trust me on that!