₦airaland Forum

A lady wanted to buy a parrot, she went ova to d store n asked d storekepper. "wat is so special abt dis parrot" said d lady."it can talk" replied the storekeeper. Then the lady asked d parrot " how do i look" the parrot replied " you look like a prostitute". The lady turned to d storekeeper and said " i can't buy such a rude parrot". The store keeper pleaded with her to wait on a lil, he took the parrot to d back of the house and dipped it inside a bucket of water, when he brought it out he said to it "insult that lady one more time and i will dip u inside a bucket of water again" he took the parrot back to the lady and said " pls ma'am ask d parrot another qusetion;
Lady: if i come home with a man, who is he?
Parrot: your husband.
Lady: 2 men?
Parrot: ur husband and his brother.
Lady: 3 men?
Parrot: ur husband, his brother and ur brother.
Lady: 4 men?
Parrot: Get the Bleep'n bucket of water, i already told u, she is a PROSTITUTE!!!!!

JAMES: I saw a strap of your bra..
TEACHER: James Getout!,no class for u 4
a week!.
*Another Boy laughs*
TEACHER: Why did u laugh??
BOY : i saw both straps of d bra
TEACHER: GETOUT, no class 4 u for
1 month!..
*Teacher bends down 2 pick
chalk & johnny started walking
out..*
TEACHER: Johnny, why are you
going out?
JOHNNY : what i saw just now, I
think my school days are
over!!!!! ... LMAO!!!

Marriage Sweet O LWKMD!
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! ..and the one dat cracks everyone’s rib:
10. Who is this?
Gbosaaaaaaaaaa

Marriage Sweet O LWKMD!
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! ..and the one dat cracks everyone’s rib:
10. Who is this?
Gbosaaaaaaaaaa

Marriage Sweet O LWKMD!
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! ..and the one dat cracks everyone’s rib:
10. Who is this?
Gbosaaaaaaaaaa

Marriage Sweet O LWKMD!
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! ..and the one dat cracks everyone’s rib:
10. Who is this?
Gbosaaaaaaaaaa

Nigeria My Beloved Country
NIGERIA….MY BELOVED COUNTRY.
• Where our mothers use ice cream bowls to store pepper in the fridge
• Where ladies don’t accept flowers for valentine or birthday.
• Where lizard go look ur eyeball, node head say “notin dey happen guy”
• Where a blind beggar will reject a fake nairanote.
• Where Groundnuts are sold in BOTTLES and WATER is sold in SATCHETS.
• Where parents claim they were always first position in school.
• Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A ‘DRIVER’s LICENCE’
• Where government officials don’t know the national anthem.
•Where Gala and Lacasera are d best options wen stuck in traffic.
• Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and given a chieftancy title for stealing millions.
• Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and worse still to enter a bus!
• Where u are robbed of your phone and the robbers come back for ur Pin code n charger.
• Where ur type of GENERATOR shows how RICH you are.
• Where you can easily blame your family members in the village for your problems.
• Where rich men must have pot belly.
• WHERE IF U DO ANYHOW U GO SEE ANYHOW.
• Where generator is a social amenity.
• Where people dey collect change for beggarhand.
• Where igbo men produce Toyota camry jeans and Dr’dre slippers
• Where the man who had no shoes is the president.
•Where bb torch is sold in traffic for N12k!!!!

Naija i hail thee

Caburator... Lmao

with someone i've never met?










so how do i know who i'm falling for

and who do they think are? @argentina

English Exam

I was a candidate at a JAMB Examination. We were writing Use Of English. I shaded the ones I knew and was waiting for manner to fall from Heaven when I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting beside me.

She was shading and was not looking up. Through the help of my long neck, I peeped and checked her work, she was on number 65, I was still on number 21 and time was running out. I quickly thanked God and started shading along with her.

We got to number 98 together, suddenly, she looked up, caught me and shouted in a low tone, “What is it? Why is you dey copying me? Copys! copys! You is not shaming! As big as you are! You are a disgrace to your manhood!

Na so I shout “Heeeey! heeeeyyy!!! I am finished!, who has eraser!!!”

EKAITTE: Why is your shirt having another lady’s perfume?

AKPORS: That querry is rather rhetorical.. However I detest what you are insinuating.

EKAITTE: Are you cheating on me?

AKPORS: I haven’t breached our matrimonial vows. Just shared a lift with a lady and her scent must have diffused and precipitated to form residue on my shirt. Just physics at play. How many times must I recycle the utterance that your genitials are the sole destination of my seminal fluids?

EKAITTE: You are no longer the man I thought you were. Lets call it quits!

AKPORS: You want us to diverge because your nose buds registered a foreign scent? I said I will abide by you better or worse, but this has surpassed the worse parameter and has encroached into the insanity zone which was not provided for in the vows.. Anyway, have your way, lets break up!

EKAITTE: Aaawww baby, I was just jealous.. I’m sorry!

AKPORS: I repel your remorse sensations.. Your infedelity claims have battered me therefore Kindly please radiate with your belongings from the vicinity of my bungalow at a simmillar speed to light before the personnel of a security firm forcefully does it.

AKPORS IN A BIBLE STUDY CLASS

Teacher: What is the surname of Lazarus that Jesus rose from the death?

Akpors: COMFORT

Teacher: Why did you say?

Akpors: Read your bible carefully sir, when Jesus called Lazarus he included his surname

Teacher: How?

Akpors: He called with a loud voice saying “LAZARUS COMFORT”

How To Know Say You Get Chinese Phone

1-The battery gets full after 3 minutes of charging

2-Na so so two sims dey inside

3-The phone has a tv, microwave, nail cutter, separate speakers, toothbrush, lighter , all inside

5-Your text messages can be written with toothpick

6-There is some spelling mistakes e.g,Nokla,SamVang, Darkberry, iporn

7-You dey inside club dey buble and you can still hear the caller.

Churches In Warri (LWKMD!!)

I went to warri recently if you see name of churches, ha! my broda even Satan self dey fear. Make I yarn una:yo u’ll see something like this.

{1} SATAN UR OWN DON KPAFUKA EVANGELICA MINISTRY

{2} Operation carry devil nack for ground bible ministry.

{3} The atomic bomb bible brigadia barack ministry *aka* shoot d devil make im eye clear.

{4}Ssatan wetin we do you evangelical church of God.*aka* Satan leave us alone.

{5} Operation no look Uche face biblical church of Christ.*aka* slap Satan face ministry.

{6} Pay your tithe and offering church of God.*aka* pay ur tithe n win generator gospeler.

{7} Satan if you try me, you go hear ween prayer ministry

{8} Satan chop make i chop bible assemble *aka* we no dey find Satan trouble ministry.

The next name shock me no be small ….. . . . .

Bokoharam prayer ministry devil u go fear. Hey!! Warrrriii!!! we hail oo

Question time

Uncle: What’s 10 plus 10?

AKPOS: I don’t know.

Uncle: Idiot! You can’t answer such a cheap sum…Your stupidity will kill you.

AKPOS: Uncle, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick?

Uncle: 1000 of course

AKPOS: Can’t you pick both? Na Poverty go kill you.

Patricks Obahiagbon Phone Conversation

Patricks Obahiagbon’s girlfriends phone rings

Patrick Obahiagbon : Mary, your cellular gadget has intercepted some electromagnetic waves and is currently summoning your attention

Mary: What ?

Patrick Obahiagbon:your phone is ringing

Mary : i am in the shower sweety,please answer it for me

Patrick Obahiagbon: hello….

CALLER: Ndandeko na Mary (NYANJA).

Patrick Obahiagbon: your lingual is foreign to my cochlea. Please utter alphabets in a universal manner so that I can derive sense from this dialogue

CALLER: where is Mary ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: Mary is currently interacting with a hot shower in my master bedroom that is located at the attic section of my bungalow. She cannot commence dialogue with u as her phone is not water proof like the one I own which can receive calls even while i’m submerged in my marbled Jacuzzi.

CALLER: who is this ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: do you have air-time of N100 , 000 and above? any airtime below that amount is not enough to permit me to finish explaining to u who I am via the phone as my accolades are too numerous. But to comprehend me better, visit any bookshop near you and purchase a book titled “knowing professor Obahiagbon, the individual with English PHD’s whose number exceeds the mythical lives of a cat”..i authored it when I was senator in the previous regime

CALLER: who are you to mary ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: I am the individual whom Mary surrenders to her fauna in absentia of clothing…..

CALLER: come again ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: Yes I am the individual who relays copulative sensations to Mary’s pelvic areas

CALLER: say that again i i don’t understand ?

Patrick Obahiagbon: I am the individual who exposes Mary’s lower limbs to mirror an obtuse angle . I’am Mary’s boyfriend,And who are u ?

CALLER: its Mary’s mother

Patrick Obahiagbon: good morning ma, how home

Patrick Obahiagbon: hello mama I dey greet na

Patrick Obahiagbon: mama mama mama

What is badluck?

Bad luck is when you are wearing “my oga @ d top ” T shirt and den you get into trouble wit civil defence. That one na www. Serious beating daz all u’ll get.

Johnbull was hungry and went to ‘maishayi’ (men selling tea and bread). The following dialogue transpired between them:

Johnbull: You get loaf of bread?

ABOKI: yes

Johnbull: bring one; slice am into two and put two sachet of butter in between

ABOKI: (happy and thanking God for bringing customer,is quickly doing as he is instructed )

Johnbull: You get egg?

ABOKI: yes customer

Johnbull: fry 6 eggs put am inside the bread.

ABOKI: Okay customer

Johnbull: You get sardine for inside gongoni?

ABOKI: yes customer everything dey.

Johnbull: put two gongoni inside the bread.

ABOKI: Okay customer (happy and doing as he is told, already enthusiastic’ ll make a lot of money 2day, God don butter my life)

Johnbull: you don finish? Oya press the bread together for me.

ABOKI: See am customer, i don prepare am finish.

Johnbull: OYA CUT N10 Naira OWN FOR ME!

Felicia Don Kill Me

I promised Felicia 10k last week as we were chatting on BBM. She came to Abuja yesterday, on unexpected visit. This morning, she asked me of the 10k I promised her. I then told her that I want to leave for Makurdi in the next 5mins. I gave her my First Bank ATM Card that she should take it and withdraw all she wanted (knowing fully well that I had less than 3k in that account).

As soon as she kissed me & left, I quickly left the house knowing that she will come crying back to me. As I got to AYA Junction, Moses my elder brother called me on the phone saying “Lucky, you don get the alert, I just dey komot from First Bank oh! I don pay that 80k wey I been owe you into your account, thanks”.

Mheeeen, see sweat! Few minutes later, I got the alert!! Confirm 80k credited. I wan die as d money enter.

Tried calling Felicia’s phone, switched off.

Tried PING!!! PING!!! No delivery.

The Next minute, Alerts: 20k debited, 20k debited, 20k debited, 20k debited. Even the last 2k withdrawn.

I no know wetin happen to me, I found myself on hospital bed. Now they are asking me what happened?

But what will I say?




















































Todays Prayer Point : Make God no let your son resemble your landlord OOO..say amin!!!

(1) “we want to thank the president for bringing facebook to Nigeria” …Information Minister Labaran Maku.

(2) “you press men, you always say there are no minerals in kano. We have Coca Cola, Fanta, Mirinda and the newly invented Sprite”…Bakin Zuwo.

(3) “Foreign investors should ignore Boko Haram απϑ invest in Nigeria”…GEJ

(4) ” I will water your school and fire your school”..Orji Uzoh Kalu.

(5) “Nigerians dont panic, terrorist attack is everywhere ..maybe is our turn”…GEJ.

(6) “I will rather kill myself than commit sucide”..Dame Jonathan.

(7) “I founded this school for the masses and ŧħҿ school fees is 850,000 naira”…Atiku Abubakar.

( Until I see someone eating out of the gutters before I believe there is poverty in Nigeria.” – Umoru Dikko.

(9) “Telephone is not meant for the poor”..David Mark

(10) “The worth of a child born and breed in Nigeria cannot be compared to that in the United States” – Yakubu Gowon

(11) “school is not meant for the poor, only for ŧħҿ rich”..Ikedi Ikiri Ohakim

(12) “At 50, Britain iwas still battling with King Arthur and the knights of the round table so Nigeria is not doing too badly”..Diezeani Madueke.

(13)..”Even Jesus Christ cannot conduct a free and fair election in Nigeria”…Obasanjo

(14)…”The corp members where destined to die, nobody can run away from destiny”..Mallam isa Yaguda, Gov Bauchi State.

(15)..”On behalf of 20 million naira, I donate •̸Ϟy family”.. Dame Jonathan.

(16)..”We, the PDP did not win this election, I have gone to church to confess, I gave them money and they called ŧħҿ result”…Chris Uba

(17)..”I want to commend ŧħҿ doctors and nurses for responding to treatment”… Dame Jonathan

(18)…”I can see camera people, are they going to televise us alive?”- Dame Jonathan.

http://www.naijatori.com/naija-jokes-lolz-quotes-by-highly-placed-nigerian-leaders/

I TIRE

-U earn 50k/month, but u wear human hair of 120k & own a BB Q10 + iPhone5, yet u go 2 church crying 4 miracle when u are already performing magic.

-U are in the car with ur DAD and Rihanna’s song titled “shut up nd drive” is playing ur dad asked “what is d title of this song”? Wat wud u say?

-A man came in contact with a lion face to face in the jungle, imediately he knelt in prayers for God to save him, wen he opened his eyes he found d lion kneelin in front of him in form of prayers, so he asked d lion Are you a christian tooo? The lion replied angrily ” why are you interuptin me, DON’T YOU PRAY BEFORE EATING

RIP SIR...

On may way to d market joor... Make una no beg me... I must yodi soke

dridowu: I love danfo or public transport cos u hear diff story from the truth to the lie, u will witness the good and bad........................to me always fun. One of fun again is btw the conductors and agberos, as dy are cursing dmsef u will c dm also hailing eachother .
Double Twale
owo meji fun eyan kan
omo iya aje
olenu paaaa
etc
always fun

lolz not only dat... Wen it get to money matter and d other refuse to pay his due... U hear

Abi Olorun fe ba tie je...
Ogun lo ma pa e...
Ma foo oju e...
Abi ko fe da fun iyalaya e... Etc joor but it fun

24in7: I hate it when those dat call theirselves big girlz lap each others. Inside danfor

probably because it cheap... Lol... Trust me!

i love older ladies...............




































BRB to give reason

homesteady: I read that he turned the wedding to a fund raising ceremony

Were u there??

is that SAKA's wife sitted next to him?


Sanyeri carry eyes go market joor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAPPY MARRIED LIFE