@Lewstherin

I completely understand where you are coming from but how does marriage help then?
Will being married give hope to the hopeless? Will it help lift the person out of despair?

Should a person not aspire to be more before getting married?

I believe that before someone ties the knot,they should be clear about the direction they are going and then get with someone who shares the same values and goal.

Life is filled with unforseen circumstances,but is it not wiser to give yourself a good headstart?Even in the best of situations there will be plenty challenges. Why punish yourself?


Plenty children are roaming up and down the country because of hope.How many of them are going to be able to lift their families out of this poverty?

Why should a child be used as a poverty alleviation scheme? It is awful. No child should live with the burden of such expectations as it has knock on effects and can lead to high levels of desperation.

I do not live in Naija so I do not know what ideal earnings are BUT if a person is able to feed himself comfortably ,he should look for someone who is able to feed herself too..that already creates 2 streams of income no matter how little.

If man is down,there's wife's income to help.If woman is down,there's husband's income to support. When they combine income,they can plan and save even if it's a very tiny proportion.

Then before having any children at all, they use contraception and make sure they understand the financial implication of even one baby.

They should only have the number they can afford to feed without begging for alms..

No one knows tomorrow but adequate planning helps to cushion any shocks..

People are now tired of paying for costs of others reproductive decisions.

Let the adults manage themselves,no problems at all but the toll on children is just what I find unacceptable.

This one is just low budget Ned Nwoko trying to ensure he has a nanny to change his nappy in old age.

I'm usually team older guys but 41&less than 25 without heavy finances to back it up?


Good luck sir,I'm sure your email is getting bombarded.

That thread did not bash poor people.How did you come to that conclusion?

I think what he's trying to say is that people have to make more responsible decisions and not start chaining themselves with more responsibilities than they can handle.

A single man will just be worried about feeding himself alone..once a wife joins in and is incapacitated financially,headache sets in.

Your points on the roles of a wife are romantic and idealistic. Real human needs are food ,clothing and shelter.

Dignifying a person won't put food on the table

Support will not pay rent..only cold hard cash will.

You are underestimating the role of finances in any marital setting.

2 people who have no source of income and living together will at some point become enemies if their condition does not improve.

I understand that you want a better fairer world ,but this sort of idealism pushes lots of people to frustration,claiming wife ( who is supposed to be a good favour bringing thing)is the source of their downfall leading to spurious witchcraft allegations as seen in a thread not too long ago.

If 2 consenting adults agree to marry while not being financially capable,that's great as long as they do not add kids they CANNOT cater for to the equation.

Unfortunately,these 2 adult will most likely have multiple children and that is where a huge amount of the problems start flooding in.

Children are outside hawking instead of being in school,some young girls have turned to prostituting to provide for their parents, young boys in the market pushing barrows to help their parents.What sort of life is this.If these children had a choice,would they agree to be born into these circumstances?

Their parents HAD a choice to keep it in their pants or at least use protection but they refused(because children bring blessings).

The economy is hard now so people's generosity,empathy and good will is drying up so anyone asking others to support relationships they willingly entered will probably meet a lot of hostility.

You don't have to marry,it's perfectly alright..
Nothing abnormal here.

This marriage is dead.

The man is begging because he was convinced by pastor,what happens if he joins another church and he starts blaming her again.

How can someone be a whole witch and still remain poor? What's the point in witchery then? Is it just to scare people and do meeting?

She had to accept because of the joint pressure from the community.

Offer this woman 5 million to start a new life and let's see if she wil forgive

All we have here is a woman who will be bitter for most of her life and will find a way to pour her frustration one way or the other.

Personally,I can only forgive behaviours that I'm capable of so if I say I've forgiven ,it's probably cos I've done same or planning to do same at some point in future

Chorismate

What hubby and I do is send same amount to both sides of the family. You send 50k to yours and she sends 50k to hers with scope to help out if any side is more needy at some point.

It's easier this way for the sake of fairness and to prevent any budding feelings of resentment.
Your parents will never be more important to her than her parents. No side of the family is more deserving.

This method only works if you both contribute to a joint account and then plan together on ALL expenses.If you're doing your thing with money and she's doing her thing,then it's no one's concern how much you send or how much she sends.

You cannot be sharing a joint account with equal contribution and then tell her to send less to her folks because she has brothers.It doesn't sound right .

So best to discuss it now very plainly,how much you bring in,how much she brings in, joint account or not, your estimated joint expenses ,savings plan, THEN how much parents will receive.

Good luck.

Everything depends on how the man behaved pre accident.Post accident remorse does not count.

A man who was a terrible spouse will most likely get it back in spades .It's here you hear stories of people left in their pee and poop for hours ,maybe not even changed or bathed for days.

There are some men that are worth staying for,the one that treats you well and has been a rock for you, you would bend back wards and do anything for him.

Still, if a good woman leaves at some point because she cannot manage,it doesn't make her a bad person in my opinion. Everyone has their elastic limit.

There's a thread on NL where a man could not cope with his wife's illness,I'm sure other things were at play but they divorced and she eventually died. A lot of people were understanding of his choices,it's interesting that people are spitting fire here,lol.

There is something called carer fatigue,where the carer spouse cannot just go on,tending to another person's needs - cleaning,feeding,working (where possible),the psychological demand will wear even the nicest person out,worse if they have children..It takes a very strong couple with a strong bond to pull through and even if they do,their own version of what is acceptable may leave another person dumbfounded.

In a sane society,there is support in place for this sort of situation eg respite where the government pays for someone to come in to help a few times a week, then psychological help because the carer and spouse will be prone to mental health problems.

In Naija terms,someone should be employed to help and Cctv around the whole house to monitor for cases of abuse.

There are situations where sexual function will never come back,a couple may be able to come to an arrangement,they usually do but will not say. Some even use IVF for pregnancy and keep it to themselves.

No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I know someone who's husband has Multiple Sclerosis.She has a boyfriend that lives with them,their kids and he also helps care for the man.Call it what you want but they are all happy or at least appear to be happy.

Sex as we know involves a lot of intimacy,I can tell you firsthand that fingers and dil do won't give you that . So,it is not realistic in the long term especially if the woman doesn't leave and the D isn't working .

They will agree to something at some point.This is the cold hard fact of life. I find that a lot of people who have life changing experiences like this will be more tolerant and permissive than the average person.They will acknowledge that their partner has needs ,highest they'll act like they don't know what's going on by the side.

As a woman though,the chances that your husband will stay if it were you in this condition is slim.If he stays,he will have girlfriends and may/may not be discreet.Whatever decision he takes,he will be supported by the same people crying murder here and the society at large.

Even common research has shown that divorce is more likely to happen if it is the woman that is unwell vs when it is the man ie women are more likely to stay,men are most likely to bail.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-sick-wives-increase-divorce-risk-not-sick-husbands/amp/

If you cannot cope,instead of turning to resentment, hatred and abuse,please LEAVE.

cococandy:
I had a Takotsubo case about 5 days ago and I thought of you

Very sad isn't it..
Hope you're doing alright.

Hi Sususy,

Sorry for what you're going through but can you clarify a few things?

. He suspects you're talking about him to.other people.Is it just you? Does he think neighbors/other people are talking about him too? Why does he think so?

. Is he reading too much meaning into ordinary things and making connections that don't seem to make sense to you?

.Does he think people are out to get him and do him harm?

Who else does he think is spying on him and how has he come to this conclusion?

Does he think people are hearing the thoughts in his head or trying to extract information from his head?

Have you seen him talking to himself or to people who you cannot see?

How about pointing out things that you can't see?

Does he seem scared and afraid ?

Does his speech make sense to you or does he seem to be rambling on about stuff,talking too many things at the same time?

How is his hygiene? Has he stopped caring for himself or his surroundings?

You can get this information from him and try to be understanding and not confrontational just to have an idea about what he's experiencing

Most importantly,when did you notice any changes or has he always been this way?

You may have to consider that your brother sounds like he is unwell not possessed and is starting to be more paranoid? Your answers may guide us all a bit better to help see what the best solution is from here?

May her soul RIP.

Some people are riled up because they think Op should have stayed even when she was unwell.

Truth is that people should try to do what's best for them..don't think because you will stay when your spouse is ill or because you made vows,your spouse is obligated to do the same.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4857885/

Studies have shown that there is an increased risk of divorce when wife is ill Vs husband,that is a fact of life.

Illness ,the burden of being a carer, arguments,neglect etc can be too much even for the best of us.

It's better to separate than remain in a situationship that is toxic,better to be happy than stay and resent the person.

At least Op said they were on good terms and he was doing his best..that's a lot more than most children get even when both parents are alive.

I hope the children are being closely catered to because they have faced 2 life changing events in a short space of time (divorce and death of a parent) which increase the risk of depression later on.

It's adviceable that they see someone(a professional) and speak about how they feel,children try to put up a brave face and may actually be breaking down when they're alone.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Eketem:


Among these 3 men only Otedola has a successful marriage. Dangote has 3 failed marriages, Adenuga here and there, actually Otedola married a woman I described above. Keep marrying those kind of women and stop complaining when you get the consequences of your poor choices

Blogs carried gist that Otedollars wife left him,I think about last year or so.
His rumoured antics with even his daughter's friends are legendary.
Crazy world.

Op,

I don't think you understand the impact of what you're about to do to that child.

How is it possible that a baby has mother and father alive and the best option is an orphanage?

How old is the mother? Is she very young? Yes,having a child can alter her future but surely there must be other palatable options.Is she in agreement with you?

What of her parents? Your parents?
Why can you not raise your own child? Are you a teenager or are you paralyzed?

It's hard for me to believe you want to dump your own baby with strangers when you are an able bodied young person even capable of paying it's welfare.

You've mentioned that the girl has said she will care for the child till it is 5 years but you're saying it will get complicated,I suspect this is because the girls family will take the ownership of the baby because you are not married..I'm choosing to believe this because people say it is the culture of that part of Nigeria.

However,you need to put the welfare of the child above yourself or any culture.

Best place for the child in order to form normal healthy attachment is with the mother as first option ,you second with the support of relatives.

Yes,it will take some getting used to but the bond you will have with your child will be worth it.Other fathers like you are single handedly raising children,there are single mothers too,why is your own different?

If you want to take the baby ,enrol it in a crèche,or get a nanny,could be a relative. I see someone mentioned nanny and you said you're single? Do you not have self control abi you'll also chop nanny too? Join Reddit and learn how your mates are caring for their own flesh and blood.

How this baby is nurtured in the first few years will determine how he/she will interact with the world forever.The love ,attention,care from a parent cannot matched by strangers in an orphanage.

Think of the risk of molestation, neglect,emotional,physical abuse.

It's interesting you said you will go back when baby is of age..what do you mean by when baby is of age? 10 years? 12 years? By then,it would be too late for a meaningful bond to exist and this child will resent you & feel abandoned.

Think about it,how will you explain to this child that both parents are alive and breathing but thought the best place for him/her is a place with orphanage? "ORPHAN -age".

Leave the baby with its mother instead of this plan you have.

It sounds like a wicked thing to do.

Very very clear your brother is in the autistic spectrum and may also have a learning disability,maybe dyslexia

It's not the poor boy's fault that his brain is wired to see 17 and think it's 71,not his fault that reading appears so overwhelming..the alphabets musy appear scrambled to him & his brain can't cope.

Think about it,do you think he would choose not to know the difference between 17&71 by choice?

If someone gives you a book and places it upside down,would you be able to read it?

The poor boy must have been struggling for so long,his self esteem must be in tatters.

You and your family should see a paediatrician or a child psychiatrist or psychologist for a diagnosis then hopefully point you to a specialist that manages kids with learning disabilities

You all must be frustrated and i empathise but think of how much your brother is suffering.

@dyt

Married 10+

It is crucial before tying the knot to sit down and actually think of what you want and be very very clinical about it. List the ones that are deal breakers for you and DO NOT compromise on them.

Talk about money,is it 50/50 or is it joint account? How about chores? What does he or she think about raising children? Dirty or clean? Church or no church? Flexible or rigid roles at home? Sex everyday or once in 2 weeks?

Marrying the wrong person can ruin and derail a person forever and it's important to remember that the definition of a good marriage differs from person to person depending on their needs.

I strongly believe that once you miss laying the kind of foundation & communication style that suits you in the first 3 years,it will be very difficult to redress them later on

I am in what people/outsiders would term an easy marriage, My family think my husband is a saint and it makes me smh BUT I will say what makes it "easy" is that we are mostly cohesive personality wise and because we ironed out our main differences between year 1&2.
We were also fortunate to be free from family intrusion so we chose our own pattern free from mama and papa method .

Even at that,life has still found ways to throw curve balls.

Easy does not mean that you won't misbehave and or inflict pain on each other.

It does not mean you won't struggle with faithfulness , bad thoughts including I hate you ones ,thunder fire you ones etc but the difference is that you have a lot in the emotional tank that acts as a buffer so when you have the devilish thoughts or when that ass is shaking in your face, or some hot dude is hitting on you, you draw from that bank and remind yourself that someone actually loves you and you don't want to destroy what you have.

When this tank is full, apologies flow easily, you agree to disagree. No money? You chill and plan together. Every challenge will just feel surmountable because you know you will face it TOGETHER.

No human being is perfect,no human being can fulfill your every desire.

You will make so many sacrifices and accept your spouse and their inadequacies because when you balance their goodness against it,you'll still feel like you hit a jackpot.

I cannot describe how incredibly satisfying it is to have a spouse that always wants to be home with you ,to have a home that exudes warmth & children that are happy.

Despite my personal struggles ,once I open the door and see their faces,every sacrifice is worth it.

That said,if anything happens to my marriage, I will NEVER remarry. Got kids,nice career,small cash,the rest can be on a hello & bye basis.

It is important to always go back to the beginning.

People who are born into abusive homes will most likely subconsciously tilt towards abusive partners.
When a child grows up seeing dad and mum fight,or mum.being beaten up,they watch mum cry and struggle ,they believe that in relationships it is normal to cry and struggle too.


When they speak to their crying mum,she may say daddy loves us,it's my fault for not cooking the food well,or it's my fault I was rude.

They then adapt to this notion and begin to reason in like manner.



They learn at a tender age that this is what marriage is or this is what love is. Some believe if their partner is not beating them or if their partner is not abusive,they don't really love them.

They then marry abusers and of course the cycle continues.Their own interpretation of marriage is that beating and abuse is normal so why should they leave?
Their mothers stayed so why should they leave?

A broken family is worse than an abusive one so why should they leave?

They take on the culture of self blame,they come on the internet and see where people recount worse and still remain ,people tell them to adjust themselves further and marriage is for better or worse so again the question remains: Why should they leave?

When your self confidence and esteem are eroded from a very young age,it is almost impossible to be emotionally normal.

They think they are staying for their children and forget it is still the same vicious cycle.

Truth is they do not believe they deserve better,they have never known better and will remain trapped in a prison that is not just physical but mental.

It is the very brave ones that begin to question issues and then decide to leave.

It's not just about money,even rich women are abused but remain.

When a person is traumatised,they view and interact with the world differently.

Hi Braintrain,

I am sorry you had such a horrendous childhood and that your dad treats you so badly even till now.

You sound like you were a sensitive child while growing up and you suffered a lot of trauma from the beating and perhaps turned rebellious as a way to get attention and maybe get back at him subconsciously? The teenage /young adult brain is mysterious and prone to acting rashly.

Unfortunately, the only person that can answer the question you have asked is your dad. Have you ever sat down to ask him why? Try it and see what he says.

I see you are also questioning if you are his son? Who knows? If you are not his child, would it make you feel a bit better and give you closure? Some people are cruel to others for no reason.

It is remarkable that you have so much insight into your previous actions and have single handedly reformed yourself. You have done really well and you should be proud of what you have achieved.

Whether you are bi -curious, homo- curious, gay, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t detract from how far you’ve come.

If there was therapy,I would encourage you to find it..sometimes,we may never have answers to the difficult situations in life,all we can do is work round it,refuse to be destroyed by it and draw strength from within.

I wish you all the best!

Hello therealowner,

It does sound like your brother has a learning disability,it does not make him less of a wonderful child,it just means he has difficulty understanding or learning things at the usual pace.

Learning disabilities are varied..he may be dyslexic and all that stammering while reading is because he doesn’t get it and words appear scrambled in his brain. The division you are calling simple may appear like physics to him.

I felt horrified that you hit another human being with a belt simply because he was unable to do maths, that was cruel and unnecessary. No one deserves to be belted , especially a child. If you think about it, you did it out of your own frustration not because you had to.

After that beating ,did it help him understand more? Probably not, what you have done is create more fear in him which in turn would provoke anxiety in him when anyone tries to teach him making him more prone to making even more mistakes

What you should do is investigate how he is in school. Is he able to sit still? Is he able to assimilate what the teacher is saying at all? Is he day dreaming in class? Is he able to pay attention and focus? Or is he just not as able as other children his age?

What are his interests? What is his pattern of learning? Does he prefer visual demonstrations and things broken into the simplest forms? How about history or geography? How about building things? Fixing stuff?

I understand the anxiety coming from you as a member of a high achieving family,but all fingers are not equal. Put yourself in his shoes and think about how he feels ,and how the shouting and disappointment makes him feel?You are creating a child that will have damaged self esteem with greater implications in future.

With a lot of love,patience and understanding your brother will blossom to be the best he can. His best may not be good enough for you and your family but at least you will know that he’s giving it his all. If he is not special in school, I bet he can be great at doing something else.

Next time you want to teach him,put a rubber band on your wrist.When he makes mistakes and you feel the urge to shout or beat,smack yourself first with the rubber band..the pain will distract you,then you can take a breather and try again.

Remind yourself that he’s not doing it on purpose.

Educate yourself ,the internet is filled with resources and you might find a description that fits him perfectly,then you and the family can discuss the way forward to get him the help that he needs.

@ liberalchick& eketem,

I forgot to add that some of us females grew up in abusive homes,sometimes verbal and physical,with mothers who remained 'for the children'.

The effect is that a lot children grow up seeing this sort of setting as normal and then subsequently choose similar partners who continue to perpetuate same cycle.

Some females do not think they deserve to be loved or deserve to have their voices heard,some do not even know what a loving partner should be because of the above and term what you and I class as red flags as 'normal'. They don't know any different.

This female then marries this male,but then interacts with others,reads on the internet and realises that her situation isn't normal,she starts to put up a fight,but the person she is married to maybe also grew up in an abusive place and watched dad and mum fight and hurl insults at each other but still remain together.
Such a person would not see the rationale to change,and the union becomes even more troubled..

This lady may come to NL and complain and we start asking her about red flags before marriage..


A lot of us are damaged and while in that frame of mind can make mistakes that are life changing.

So while I believe we should choose wisely,I'm very open to the fact that a lot of us may not be brave enough to free ourselves from the yoke of our childhood and may go on to repeat the cycle and therefore live with a lot of suspicion and the inability to trust .


I'm digressing too much from the topic but I wish all of us the best.

Sorry for the long write up

@ Eketem
I agree with you,however, I think sometimes people make mistakes and then are unable to rectify..or some marry hoping for change and then there's the ones who are blind sided.

Perhaps we all should clamour for more self awareness for all of us women before choosing partners so that we can become more confident in standing for what we want and expect.

liberalchick:


One of my first posts on NL was one similar to yours. We could literally be the same person.

I’ve since spent enough time on NL reading and participating on lots of threads to now know that Nigerian women can’t afford to be all 50/50 in their marriages like women/wives in Western societies because the average Nigerian man and the society does NOT believe in the concept of true partnership in a marriage.

Yes! the man will gladly accept your financial contribution but that’s where the partnership ends, the woman is still expected to carryout her ‘roles’ and she’s still NOT treated as an equal partner in the marriage. I fully support Nigerian women that have refused to take on more roles without reward.

Then, the laws?? None recognizes any financial contribution the wife makes in the marriage. As a wife you can still get kicked out legally of the house you helped build/rent with the clothes on your back.

I completely understand what you mean,believe me.
I grew up in the average Nigerian household with a lord and master father and decided I wanted something different for myself.

I think it's easy before marriage to ask about values so that if it doesn't gel,as a female,you make a quick exit and if you remain,you know exactly what you're in for.

If you're not an average Nigerian woman,it would be a mistake to settle for the average Nigerian man.

If you're traditional,plenty of traditional men abound.

If you're not,there are lots who are unconventional and happy to be.

You can love and still be a smart person,know I met DH in my early 20s (olodo by all ramifications) but I knew what sort of life I was aiming for.

In my opinion,to give 50/50 means that ALL investments and property have my name and yours sitting pretty on them.

If all my money our money is joint ,it means I know about every Kobo and which direction the Kobo is going.

Also means that I'm actively making decisions but with love and a willingness to be open to another view point, being with a reasonable person also makes all this easier .

Even when not working,I had a pulse on everything perhaps because it was clear from the get go that I was not willing to accept anything less,I don't know.

People have the misconception that an arrangement like this means blindness and gullibility.

If things go south,who is kicking who to where? You sit tight because your money is inside EVIDENCED by legal papers so the Court of law must rule justly if it comes to that.

Maybe I'm being too optimistic ? I know.people change but I think a person has to lay their cards on the table from get go and run away if it doesn't match expectations

@tunmiluabi
I empathize with you,and can even read how perplexed you are by everything that has happened.

It is nice to see you are reflecting and trying to be fair in your assessment.

You guys have been married for long and at some point boredom sets in and people hanker for variety( both male and female ).. throw in unhappiness at home,fighting and arguing and it's easy to see how a person can justify seeking out someonelse..I'm not saying this is alright or your fault ,as adults we are responsible for our decisions but I know that good people do bad things sometimes.

My main curiosity is why she continued and was not willing to work past it with you since you wanted to?

Why did she not feel sorry ? If the relationship was as good as you say,why was she not willing to salvage it?

If you don't mind,did you also cheat at some point?

She seems to be happy and doing well at the moment and I know this can feel hurtful seeing all the years you shared together.

When you both talked,what did she say went wrong?

I hope you both can parent together with civility for the sake of your kids.

Life can really be cruel.

sisisioge:


The "not in naija" answers the question. Our society makes it difficult for husbands and wives to be cool like that...it is extremely rare! It is well.

We were both born ,raised and even did wedding in Nigeria.

Even while dating ,I was aware of his earnings.

I know relatives where the dad cleans, washes,cooks etc without issues and they're like 5&6 with their children and they're not broke.

We left naija and defined our relationship on our own terms.

When I wasn't working,I was still in charge of finances and know I'm not the submissive religious type.

I just think there's someone for everybody.

You choose your partner according to the values you share and then make your lives what you want it to be,refuse to bend to the norm if it doesn't suit you and try to live.

Inspite of all this there will still be issues,life isn't perfect..money is not a red line for me, but I respect those that balk at the idea of sharing everything.

sisisioge:


You guys are very unique and very well in sync... I'm almost sure you're not based in naija though.

Hahaha ..not in naija.However,I bet there are lots of people like us..they just don't see the need to talk about it.

igbowoman:


You are answering a question the OP didn't ask.
Read the post again

Pardon me,Not replying OP..just the ones arguing about finances and roles.

Everything my husband and I earn go to one bank account and I disburse and allocate the rest.

In recent months I have out earned him,it doesn't change anything,it's still entering the same account

When he's outearning me it's about 4-6x mine and yet there's never been any problems,same account again and I disburse.

Personally,we do not do head and tail,we are equal partners and I am happy and willing to provide 100% without batting an eyelid.

At home, decisions are taken jointly according to who is an expert in what.Each person does what they are good at and we help each other out.

Our children were made by us, our joint responsibility,I'm grateful he provided the sperm and I added my womb.. beautiful equation.
They were brought into the world with him looking on in pride..they worship him as he is the best dad any child could ever ask for.

This model is not for everyone but this is what makes us both happy.I like to work,I like to make decisions and I know that my opinions count 100%..I couldn't cope with anything less.

Another person may prefer the more traditional method and it's still okay.There's enough room in the world for all methods.

It may sound scary for people who like rigid roles ,but when you are with a person you know is putting in as much effort as you into making your relationship work,you become more selfless..yes you will hurt each other as you are human beings but you still work at it and do better.

Every relationship is unique, find what works for you.

If you approach your relationship with flexibility and throw away all forms of rigidity ,there will be loads of room to be happy.

There's not one size that fits all.

Netochi:

I feel ashamed to use the word "low IQ" but watching my son been pushed around can be heartbreaking. He does not even have a mind of his own most times. I really need him to be tougher and I thought a military school will mould him. A secondary school

I understand very well what you mean,any parent would understand how frustrating it is but I want you to see the world of opportunity this presents to you.

You have a fine young boy who is unsure of what to do and unsure of himself,why don't you teach him? Why don't you nurture and give him that confidence that he seems to be lacking?


It's not every child that benefits from harsh training..some children are just mild mannered and soft hearted.If your child is that way,there's no point in killing his spirit or making him hate his personality.

You can help him face his fears but also realise he may never be an aggressive person,you can teach him that he can be assertive without fighting.

Talk with him,7 is a very impressionable age and I fear that you use harsh words on him which would make him even more fearful and anxious.He needs to know he has a safe place to run to and that safe place should be you,his parents.

It is hard not to notice the difference between him and his sister but you can be kinder to him,build him up with your words,stop tearing him down.

Have you considered that he doesn't retaliate against the 2 year old because he may fear you would.punish him?

See in him a wonderful child who loves peace and does not want trouble.

The more you say it to yourself,the more you believe it,then you say it to him and it helps reassure him and help his confidence and self esteem.

Military and boarding school are not necessary..it's not up to a school to mould your child,it is your duty as a parent to do.the moulding.

Keep talking to him and encouraging him,strengthen your relationship with him.

A lot of great men started off like this and you know what made the difference and greatest impact on them?Parental attitude .

As I said try self defence classes,they help.to build confidence too.

@ Netochi,
I understand how heartbreaking it is to watch your child being pushed around..you just wish you could get up and fight the fight for them..

Some children are more sensitive than others and are generally more anxious around other people so may have a hard time sticking up for themselves.

Have you asked him why he is scared? Explore that fear with him and talk about the times you were scared and the things you did to combat the fear.

You should encourage him and tell him it's alright to feel afraid but he can learn to be brave.

I know it's hard but don't mock his crying ,hold him, empathize with him.

Tell him.that he is wonderful,amazing, beautiful human being and that he always makes you proud.

When he has that confidence from home,it will translate into his interaction with people on the outside.

You can also enrol him in a self defense class with an understanding sensei.

That will boost his self confidence.

NB: I felt offended that you said he acts like a low IQ child...he is a child that loves his peace and even if he is low IQ,I'm sure he is a wonderful person..your job is to make him know that you love him and you don't think less of him.

This is a fake story to wind people up
Obviously trolling.

sassysure:


There is one thing we have to understand about Nigerian men. They are too egoistic. Now, how do u work around an egoistic man? U bow. That is what he want and rule from the ground. Learn when to surrender even if u are right and look for plan B.
Once a man see you are not dragging headship with him, he will be relaxed around you. Then u will have him at your palm.
If he refuses to eat the first time, let a day pass for anger to subdue. Actually, whatever the man is doing later than a day is ego play. Approach him. No relationship succeed without communication. Even if he don't want to talk, women re known to be very cunning and sly when they want to, he is also your husband, u will know how to get him to see his error. He may not ask for forgiveness that day but he will ask albeit subtly especially the more dominant ones.
Marriage has nuggets.
Very simple ones. Just that we are too blind to follow them.

Even the worst narcissist can cower before his wife if she know the right button to press.

Hi Sassysure,

I don't think all Nigerian men are egoistic or busy dragging head and tail.

An ego isn't necessarily a bad thing , it becomes a problem when preserving it overshadows a person's reasoning.

I also believe there's not one definition of what a man should be.

Everyone is different and will define "man" according to their needs. Eg for some,a man is not a man if he is not footing family bills 100%, for another a man is not a man of he does not foster a good relationship with his children.

None of them are wrong.

There are some men who are very mellow and laid back,these type of men generally go for women who have very dominant character traits.

These men are the ones that have wives that people tend to say are bossy .

The relationship dynamics in these sort of homes will be different, with the woman being in the forefront while the man appears just chilled out.

The man here may also be the peacemaker, who will go almost any extent to maintain that stability, same in the home of the woman who will say sorry even when her husband is wrong just for that peace to reign.

None of these homes are better than the other .
Eating out of your spouse's hand isn't some sort of secret exclusive to females,pride is not exclusive to males,there are very proud females with very happy husbands same as very proud males with extremely happy wives.

There are a lot of men who have their wives willing to take a bullet for them not because they are forceful and bullish but just because their approach is softer ,flexible and they also know the right mumu buttons to press.

Not everyone huffs and puffs if there's a problem, that doesn't mean that there's a bomb waiting to explode.

Some people actually prefer to talk like adults calmly,in a measured manner, refusing to be talked to/at like a child or treated like a second class citizen.

When one person spouse or partner feels hurt,it is VALID to them even if it's not your intention to inflict that hurt.

When you know your spouse has your best interests at heart and wouldn't go out of their way to hurt you or manipulate you,it gives you the confidence to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you feel this way or I'm sorry what I said made you feel this way and then go on to explore your action or inaction .

The most perfect of relationships still has issues and frustration as life can be challenging .

When reasonable people are involved,BOTH are willing to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work,leaving all inconsequential fights behind .


One shoe does not fit all. I guess the key is for each couple to know what works for them and stick to their own formula.

Sorry for the epistle..I think human beings are very fascinating and complicated generally.

I think it's important to know your spouse 100% before acting this film out.


Don't eat? Fine.I only offer once if it's me doing the cooking on the day.If you say no on day one,I will not offer again. I'm not bothered by eating in restaurants,please buy extra for me.

Silent treatment? I grew up with this one so if you refuse to talk,I keep quiet as well as long as it takes till you're ready to undo what you've started.

Say no to sex? Lots of toys to use.
Some of us are not moved by threats of chick outside either.


My father did everything written here..

He would refuse to eat and my mum would run round,cajoling ,then in turn she would become miserable.

He also was skilled at giving the silent treatment..

There's no form of manipulation I didn't witness so essentially,I've seen it all .

In the beginning of marriage, I could actually go on to the point where it was detrimental to me just to put make a point.

My husband realised this quickly when he tried not eating and silent treatment and I responded in kind,unbothered.

2,3 trials with same result then both of us realised it was pointless.

We stopped it in the same first year of marriage when my husband sat us down and discussed the aim of our marriage..we agreed we love each other and noted that our pattern of behaviour was childish and destructive.

Years and years later ,this holds true.No arguing or shouting .

Isn't an argument mostly about 2 people seeing things differently?

You can appreciate another person's point of view,you don't have to agree with it and you can pass this information across without resorting to bad behaviour.


Once voices start to raise,one person usually says : Hey,you are starting to shout and I'm sorry I cannot listen to it and I'll come back.later when we can talk better.

Apologising to each other isn't that hard..Both can say sorry and move on.

What's the point in all the emotional manipulation?

Life is already complicated as is,it's pointless to punish each other for no just cause.

Being married in itself can be incredibly difficult to navigate for even the best behaved and loving couple,problems could spring up even with the best intentioned ones..

Battle of wills doesn't go well if you do not know the length your spouse is willing to go.

cococandy:
ICU/telemetry will do that to you

on point sis.