₦airaland Forum

fluxbush:
Thotianna, your husband had an idea of your money which is why he went snooping. You didn't make it easier by hiding it,so you also share part of the blame. The deed has been done. Move on. As I said earlier, work on your trust issues. No marriage survives without trust.

I hid it because he was hiding his.

But yes I understand what we must do now is build openness and trust. It's very crucial. I only hope he cooperates.
He doesn't like spending his money that's why he is hiding it. I will try and coax him to be more giving, maybe by using religious scriptures.

victor1983:
Please, you might say i'm too fast giving a judgement (but i don't think so) stop calling your husband, this man, it sure sounds benign, but it can be cynical and smacks of sinicism. Your husband probably wanted to guard his loins in case something happens, so the reason for his secrecy. People here have already said it, you two should work very hard on trust.

I have never done that. Please and please stop accusing me falsely.

Onegai:
Don't insist, just let no be a calm No. "Please can I have money for the baby's cerelac?", "use your money!" "Ah I kept in Tbills for us, ah okay then baby will drink akamu and manage ". "What do you think of the Ibeju Lekki scheme, should we buy, how much is it our rent, it may be a good idea o". "Was reading the Newborn thread and it was saying how we should invest for children, should we try and get an account and then think of mutual funds in baby's name?". "Mehn, dollar is now N470, I found this deal, do you think we should buy like $100 and keep every month?".

Those kind of conversations encourage him to discuss money matters with you.

OK thanks. Sounds very helpful.

raumdeuter:
Divorce is still an option. Given all you have said here, you are not willing to yield and he might not be willing to yield either

How do you propose that I yield to him?
I am very curious, please hw do I go about yielding?

victor1983:
One problem you might have in this marriage if care is not taken(God forbid) is posing yourself as a fiend to your partner. Please and please again, thread with caution on this issue. I don't want to present a littany of failures or positives by giving you a hypothetical model on what to do anymore. What i can say is that in all these, let love and the passion for your marriage drive your actions. Never make your husband feel like you are an enemy to him, but with humilty and love approach yoir man and talk over this issue. I want to admit that some of the responses you are giving to some comments seem to be done with strong and vitriolic words( saying however i like sounds a bit extreme and that is the reason for my submission). One thing you have to realize is that the Godly way of doing things is the best. TV01 said something very important( your husband is the head of your family). One thing this problem might elicit in your marriage is distrust( if it hasn't happened already). Call your man and sit him down, tell him what you had or have in mind and reason with him. Even if you keep seperate accounts, you can still make this work( and you will in jesus' name, amen). You might not know he is hurt but he is. Listen, perhaps his perception of your marriage might have been affected by the way your parents bothered him about his finances, this coupled with the stress he goes through to cater for you might have affected the young man. He probably sees it as you sabotaging his effort and that he slaves away his life for you. He might even feel that you are planning to leave him in case anything happens. You already have an alibi to that crime, present it to him and pls stop saying however you want( that is selfish and insensitive).

Wow

I didn't even intend to say that statement to him, I just thought it and wrote it down

He doesn't slave his life for me.
I buy everything I need for my personal effects with my own money because I don't want to be too demanding, clothes, jewelleries, my transport fare etc. I also buy for the house. If you remember he said I need to start spending on him.

He didn't say I need to start being independent or I need to start taking care of myself henceforth because I have money. These are things I have been doing for myself before.
He said I need to start spending on him and use my savings to do that because he is suddenly too broke to afford anything

fluxbush:
Yeah,discuss with him. A good step in the right direction. But I must object to you saying that you won't spend a dime of your money, even if he refuses to be open with you. It might seem like a challenge to his ego. I thought you said you wanted a solution to your predicament. Honey, just do your part and do it well. If you ve been footing the bill for household items,keep doing it. However don't squander your savings on splurges. You two can meet each other halfway.

OK thanks, I won't mention that part when talking to him. I just wrote it cos that was how I felt

Onegai:
Whatever you do, don't lay this money at his feet in an attempt to "be submissive", it will backfire to the point that you will taste the slap of your actions in your mouth. I'm begging you not to do that, because that is what my mother will tell me.

Just act like all is well. Your marriage is new, he needs to learn that all those shenanigans won't work. Neither of you trust each other financially and that will take time, because it is one thing to discuss before the ring slides on your finger, it is another to implement when marriage is in full swing.

Do you know how much the rent is, how much for electricity bills, all the household expenditure? You need to know. Slowly, start working it into the conversation about ideas to save, how to cut costs and more. He needs to react by opening up to you. That deleting of alerts should stop, don't check, just let it be clear that you are above childish behaviours like that.

Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

TV01:
When there is transparency (n4kedness) their is a "joining", even if you have separate a/c's. Start there.


TV

There is no transparency on his part.

TV01:
Now as head of the home he has final say on how you dispose of your joint means. Not that you shouldn’t discuss and agree, not that he will not agree with your proposals if superior, but he has final call. It’s his responsibility.

So saying you intended to buy land, is not a family decision, even if it’s the best possible course. That is your call, without his input or agreement. Still wrong.

Because you have built and layered as previously noted, I can understand why you should be wary, but you can’t build this atop that and expect the optimal outcome.

You are saying; “we spend your money as you are bound too, and mine as I choose”. No, that effectively makes you the head. Whatever course you decide, you must both agree.

We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me

fluxbush:
Snooping?? Ugh! He even deletes his bank alerts? Nne,you ve entered one chance. Hold up! You saw the signs at the beginning. Why in seven hells did you think it wouldn't be a problem? You want solutions? Sorry you ain't getting any. Guys like yours will never stop, never rest till they get their sticky fingers on your money.


I pray for your sake you won't appear on one of these unsolved spousal murders, shown on TV. My bad! Just kidding.

That was too harsh

raumdeuter:
How do you know he is not breaking his back, Some men might not openly complain but they might be struggling

If he is primarily in charge of finances then what is your own income supposed to go towards?

He agreed to be primarily in charge of finances while I am primarily in charge of housekeeping and childcare.
We agreed to follow the traditional roles in our marriage.

Divorce is also a solution. That way you can enjoy your money the way you want without anyone questioning you or casting doubtful eyes

One question If you found out he was the one who had the stash somewhere how will you feel

This isn't about me wanting to hide money, it's about how he doesn't want to open up.
And if I find out he had money, and he told me he wants to invest for our home then we'll and good I hold nothing against him

raumdeuter:
Just divorce him

What?

No. I need soutions

raumdeuter:
If the man has been breaking his own back to care for the family thinking you dont have then you have done a big wrong.
Just like if you have been slaving away for the house and you find out that your husband actually has a stash somewhere and watching you suffer away

Also what was your financial agreement regarding the house?

He hasn't been breaking his back. I support him. I have bought appliances and even regularly spend on foodstuff.

Our agreement was that he would be primarily in charge of finances.

fluxbush:
How did he even find out about the money if you didn't tell him? Was he snooping around or a bird whispered into his ears? Why is he so reluctant to share his financial status with you and insistent on spending your money? If you are faced with the fact that your husband is a goldminer, what do you intend to do? My questions don dey too much sef.

I am not part of your marriage but all I can say is be wise. Have a talk with him and discuss your fears. Get a feel of his reaction and replies, then go on from there.

He was snooping on my phone
I doubt he will reveal his money to me. He always takes extra care to delete any bank transaction from his phone both debit and credit and like I said he doesn't want me to demand based on what he has.

Onegai thank you very much, I was actually going to invest the money that was my Intention for saving in the first place.

But the way he is sounding now as if he is not happy I saved money and he wants me to exhaust it immediately. I told him I want to buy land with it but he kept going on about how there is barely money for food.

Begone all this He never complained of finance, he always claimed he can handle everything.
Can you believe he told me that the reason why he is hiding his total savings from me is cos he knows I will start demanding based on what he had as if that is a bad thing.

While we were dating we never had issues with money because I never asked him for anything, I have always had my own money so I didn't take extra measures to find out what he had, I just took his word that he can cater for the family and didn't bother about his money.

yvesboss:
I did advice that Money for the devil we know it to be should not be allowed to break a once loving union. If he is a responsible man ( which i want to believe he is), you both should plan finances together with open minds and deny the devil the chance to come between you guys.

He doesn't want to do this He wants to hide his own money and know everything about mine.

@TV01, yvesboss, victor1983, fluxbush, sisioge, eyinjuege,

With God as my witness I went into the marriage with every intention of opening up my finances to him but I realized that he never had the same intention. I have even asked him how much he has saved in total but he didn't disclose it instead he told me not to worry about his savings and he has enough for us.

I am so shocked at his change of tune now he found out I have money. He still hasn't revealed what he has to me but now he claims he baby has enough and I have to start spending on him.

worry359:
You should feel proud that your wife has a cash reserve.
It is NOT your cash, you do not own her and all her property.

What it may show is that she is careful but you are a spendaholic and are not to be trusted with money.

Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.



Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

It wasn't a struggle.

The wife just happened to be richer than the husband and he found out about her money.

How would you feel as a guy if you were in the husbands shoes?

Assuming you found out your wife has a stash of cash somewhere that was enough to single handedly cater for you, herself and the family, would you resent her for not spending it on the family?
What if she said she wanted to save it instead, would you resent her for not spending it on you and the family instead?

This is actually about me and it happened between me and my hubby
Thanks for your honest opinions.

Pidggin:
Women living in developed countries don't hate themselves, OP go figure

but they do as well. I have come across foreign journals that did research on the topic.

pcguru1:
The big issue is unlike men women don't really stick out for each other. Some say they've being programmed to see each other as the enemy some blame the male patriachy for that. As for me I think there's no guideline to how women should bond. E.g two guys who are friends will fight as in blood involved but most of the time none will take action to really cause the other to lose his job or relationship unless they are sworn enemies. Even enemies most guys won't really treat your fvck up unless you must have done something seriously bad. Girls don't really know the concept of loyalty not all girls . but what blows my mind is that girls can also play the Bro code with guys and be loyal than to girls which always amazes me.

Listen to Lana del rey "this is what makes us girls "

true.

Majority of women dont know how to stick up for each other. Only few of them. If you look inside families its usually the mothers in law causing problems for the wives you hardly hear of FILs disturbing son in laws.

Or when a husband cheats we mostly hear of wives fighting the other women instead of their husbands.

I am not trying to insult women or bring them down but we aknowledge that there is a problem and find out the cause so that we can solve it.

Amelian:
It's alright but you have no other choice to be patient and aloof, when she comes over..i hope you are a working wife? So she won't see you everytime to banter words with.. Just be civil, be aloof and avoid her.. She go taya.

No demon in human flesh will steal your peace away in Jesus name amen.
It's well.

a big amen to that.

Ekushe ma.

Amelian:
Op the solution is this and it helps me in my everyday life.. Choose your friends wisely, that's one.. Then two , any woman who stylishly chips in sarcastic words to u? Just ignore and walk away.. Exchanging words with such troublesome woman is fruitless, cos she is ready and has prepared for a showdown.. But u walk away as if u didn't hear her.. She will be perplexed in a split second and short of words, by then u don go already.
If she's an inlaw? Pls keep away from her.. No need for greetings and all that.. Just bone and keep away.
And try as much as possible to avoid staying in face me, I slap you rooms.. Such living situation is very crucial on someone peace of mind..
I hope these tips helps

thanks your post was quite helpful.
And yes i unfortunately have that type of inlaw. She is a year younger than me and very very rude and stubborn. She told my hubby she expects me to show her the kind of submission I show him, lmao. Hubby confided this to me and asked me to please show patience when dealing with her.

Problem now is that she plans to spend some few weeks with us soon and I cant avoid her during trhat period cos we'll literally be living under the same roof.

Let me stop derailing my own thread jare. Thanks for your advice again.

Longcucumber:
See ?

see what?

Just wondering


while I listen to my female neighbours shouting at each other over flimsy reasons. Ever since the husbands sister came into the house to help cater to the wife's new baby it has been one fight after another. Today's quarrel is very bad, the wife has been accusing the sister in law of making her baby sick and coming into her home to sow evil.
Na wa.
Whether they were fighting in church before coming home, I don't know.

Apart from two of them I also have a lot of personal experience with women who just started quarreling and keeping malice with each other aat the drop of a hat. My last place of work we were 7 women and one man in the same vicinity and my goodness everyday the women will have something to fight about. If it was not the manager quarelling with the marketer it was the cleaner quarelling with the secretary or the accountants fighting each other.

Why is it like this? Its baffling and unfortunate and I wonder what is the cause.

There is nobody to blame but the men. Before I got married I was determined to not have sex with any man except my husband so I always told boyfriends no sex before marriage.


If you see how they will start to pressure me for sex eh? I was very shocked that they still wanted sex even after I said I am a virgin. I thought they would be proud to have a sexually decent girlfriend but for where? When some tried and tried and couldn't get sex they started treating me lilke crap to frustrate me into sleeping with them, others gave long speech about how virginity no longer means anything and there was even one that suggested I sleep with him then trick my husband that I was still a virgin by having my wedding night sex during my period.

Anyway long story short, by God's grace I was able to stay a virgin till marriage after dealing with so many selfish men. The truth of the matter is that many women like to remain virgins till marriage, they fail because of pressure by some useless men.

quivah:
I endorsed this post!!
its okay if he doesn't feel the urge for se.xx for what happened but he isn't the only one in pains, she went through a lot too, more than he did.. his support and love and care is what he should be giving, rather than his immaturity..but its unfortunate many Nigerian guys are like this, so I think them being killed if in this situation is just better than being traumatized.. you know they are 'men'., they rather be dead than letting go and supporting their wives..

Assuming the tables were turned and the man got raped by homosexuals while the wife denies him sex because she is' traumatized' Nairaland men will enter this thread in hundreds to insult his wife, insult all Nigerian women and advice the husband to divorce her immediately.
Nigerian men (many), are selfish and the problem with it is that they don't realize they are selfish they think their behavior is normal.
One was talking about the woman obtaining permission before getting raped. I didn't want to address his post because I don't want to raise my BP this morning by fighting.

I am very shocked that the lady in question is not getting much sympathy for what she went through instead people are talking of the man's trauma. Hmmmm

Am sorry for what you went through, MA. That is one of the worst experiences anyone can ever have please try to forget and move on. Get therapy if you can afford it.
As for your husband he is a very immature man, sorry to say. I agree the situation is not what a good husband will experience and be happy about but he could have at least comforted you. He could have talked to you tell you he still loves you in spite of what happens and he knows it's not your fault.
Ignoring you like this is very very cruel.

For the main time don't let him determine your happiness. Do other things to make yourself happy and don't offer him sex again until he asks by himself. If he continues shunning you after one year then you should seriously consider ending the marriage.

Kai, anty thank God for your union oo, may God reward you with good and well behaved children, Amin, long and peaceful marriage, blissful union, understanding and cooperation between you two.