₦airaland Forum

I hate it when some in laws just take it upon themselves to be troublesome just to show power.
Continue to distance yourself. I know people like her, she wants to break you.
She wants to turn you into a fearful coward whenever you stand in front of her. Position of first wife is shacking her that's why she isn't happy you have not started kneeling down to beg her from fear like the other wife.

It's left to you to understand her and deal with her how best you can.

I have an in law like like that and the truth is that your case is even slightly better because the one am dealing with is like a year younger than me but wants to flex muscle cos she is my husband sister. If she visits she completely ignores me for God knows what reason, if I speak up among her family she just starts contradicting and opposing me with such hostility for God knows what reason. I truly have no idea what I did to her, no warmth or friendliness at all. Before I married her brother I did everything to get close to her, even gave her money although we are almost age mates. The one that pained me the most was how she snubbed me at my wedding. I went to her to greet her warmly but she just nodded briefly and walked away from me quickly.
I have started giving her chance abeg. I have enough issues to deal with in my life and I can't add an emotionally unstable in law.

I would also advice you to distance yourself from that woman. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you break and act fearful of her.

[quote author=Toks2008 post=57652004]

For the records,i have great passion for writing regardless and 95% of wht i post on nairaland are lifted from the archives of my facebook posts and that was done when i was still enjoying the best of my marital union
Attached are just 2 images of some of my write ups way way back in 2013 when i was still enjoying my affair to the fullest just to show you how Stwpid you are for making such comment.
This particular thread was written way back in 2014

Am glad my post pained you enough for you to start insulting yourself and your generation.
So you wrote that crap when you were married? No wonder your marriage didn't last long after that.

KemjikaEme:
People in this 21st century believe that when former male acquintances use a woman's maiden name it can automatically endanger the woman's marriage.
Such a backward,regressive and moronic point of view!!

My dear stop taking him serious he is just a wounded soul seeking revenge against women.
He's a clown. Laugh at his ridiculous threads and move on other serious things.

I don't know why women keep responding to TOKS2008 threads as if he is normal. The guy is suffering from bitterness and hatred of women because of what his ex wife did to him before their marriage ended. These threads are just his avenue to get revenge on her and other women who have hurt his feelings. He knows what he is doing.
He isn't trying to advice women, he is releasing venom and hatred in his heart towards women.

Just pity him and pray for him if you can and move on.

What's the 411 OP? Have you beat your wife yet? Lol
The guy don abandon ship because people no dey rub him head again, now critisisms are flying in.

I won't ever advise any girl to marry a man she earns more than if she has better alternatives. Many men are heartless users.
You will hear them complaining that women are gold diggers for wanting to marry rich men but if she makes the mistake of marrying a poor man she earns more than she don enter one chance be dat.
The man will want to demand and boss her around and control her life all in the name of head of house while he is barely contributing anything both financially and in terms of housework/cooking.

Gosh African men are so annoying. Can you imagine some people saying any car gift must be for both husband and wife and not for wife alone?
If the long throat man wants a car he should ask his wife to share her car or hustle like his mates and buy one instead of trying to get his greedy paws on his wifes property and claiming it as his own.
Haba. A woman cannot get a gift from her father and have it in her name again. it must also belong to the husband.
Men are so heartless and greedy. Such rubbish
If you have a problem with your wife having more money than you then marry poor women that will depend on you financially so your stupid egos can get even more bloated.

Lmao, jobia you too much. You really handled that guy well

Jobia:
gorilla it is
What took you so long?

Now take your leaking gorilla azz and go shove it where the sun dont shine. Bish

@the useless men saying women with bad mouths should be beaten, Do you idiots even realize that such beating can kill the woman or cause internal damage to organs? If you Moro.ons cannot talk back to your woman then leave her in the house or deprive her of something she likes, violence can never be the solution to such problems.

If men should beat women because the women have bad mouths then who should beat men when they misbehave? When they bring home stds from their endless cheating? Who will beat the countless deadbeat dad's that don't provide for their families but waste money on betting and drinking and womanizing?

Rubbish. You men will never take responsibility for your bad behaviors, even when you violently assault someone weaker than you instead of using logic or avoiding the toxic trouble maker you will still justify it and blame the women.

Am interested in buying

vizkiz:
I guess when that her next marriages crashes.

She will leave him
Enjoy her freedom from another prison

Take her time to fück around as the hoe she is

Then settle down with another good man to victimize

Una never get sense. No wonder most of you are used as baby mama's because una dey worthless. A woman celebrating her divorce is probably the reason for it in the first place

Well she is probably celebrating because the court already gave her 60% of the guy's wealth. Gold diggers everywhere on this thread. NEVER MARRY A NIGERIAN LADY

https://i.imgur.com/9qEOvNh.gif

this is the new strategy of Nairaland boys. If you want to get likes simply write a post bashing girls.

If girls open buttocks and breasts in the beach you people will call them all sorts of names and snap them without permission to upload their picture online and continue calling them names.

That's how one of them snapped picture of a girl in tight NYSC trouser and put it on Nairaland.com only to complain that the trouser is too tight for decent girls.

Please leave girls alone.

robotix:
How do some men sleep comfortably with a woman giving them money? God forbid. Over my dead body.

I have rejected help from my siblings not to talk of my a wife. Nothing wrong in spending once a while but when it becomes a custom, it's a taboo in my own book.

See this man

They are everywhere like sand!
If truly you are not like those men then you are a rare breed. I don't know if it's just me being old fashioned but I can't sit down and watch my husband playing my roles at home.
I cannot sit down comfortably while he is cooking or washing our clothes, even when I was feeling sick the other day and he offered to cook I still took a stool to sit with him in the kitchen so as to be part of it.

I don't understand this modern way of life where roles have been comfortably exchanged.

acume:
Divorce is not the solution to such problem, I will advise you deal with the problem this way: 1) be very prayerful 2) sit your husband down and talk to him in a polite manner 3) do my deny him regular sex even if it means using condom because of new baby 4) draw him closer 5) love him more 6) cook good food for him and bring him back. He will be yours once again, don't try to pay evil with evil, for the fact he's asking for nude pix from girl does not mean that he does not love you. Happy Sunday.

Can you honestly say you will give this advice to a man who wants to save his marriage because his wife is a slot?
Answer that question honestly to yourself. Or maybe you think woman are the ones that should always put up with maltreatment.

eyinjuege:
Bia, na only you dey have stash upandan?

Just kidding.
Good to know you guys have resolved your differences. Yeah, buy a piece of land with it.

I really admire people who are disciplined enough to save, as its a feat many can't achieve.

My dear no mind me and my stash stash upandan

He knows about all my money and I know of his so we are on a clean slate presently. I guess this is just one of the trials we are bound to face as a married couple.

I love him still with all my heart and I don't know why I was even mentioning divorce before, wetin dey worry me sef

Thanks for your help on the thread my darling. You guys are the best.

Thanks for advising me everyone, I really appreciate.

Updates:
Yes we had the talk and he told me what he earns.
Also apologized for overreacting that first time.
He even gave me from the money today to show he is still going to play his role as provider.

eyinjuege:
But why do most people feel its subservient for a man to Cook and clean a place where he eats and sleeps? This is 2016....
Even if the man is the sole financial provider in his home, there's nothing wrong or subservient or emasculating about that.
Everyman (male and female) should know how to cook, and clean. Those are like basic needs that should be met. Why live in a dirty house? Or starve when you've got food stuff?
Why do you need anyone to wait hand and foot on you? Can't you live decently without a woman or maid in your home? ( These are rhetorical questions, not directed at you but everyone).

I don't understand it myself. I cannot wrap my head around how cleaning ones own mess is now equal to being subservient.
Me I don't claim superiority when I assist him with finances.

Onegai:
Okay, thotianna, you have 2 options:

1. Spend your savings. Even though you have constantly said you contribute to the family expenditure from your salary and this is your savings, there are too many deaf people hearing the sound of their own stvpidity to actually listen. So spend away my darling! Next year, hopefully when you are broke, come back to NL. You are a wife and mother, congratulations, you qualify for the Family Section Desperate People Association. Use this your moniker to open the thread "we are about to die, hunger, God, mother, baby, last N100, help us" as keywords. I will personally find every single person that encouraged you to spend and hound them till they either send you money or deactivate and use their 9 other monikers on NL.
.

Thanks, this part made me really laugh.

Your posts have been a breath of fresh air to me.

AyeMoJuba:
Nothing is insulting about my post Ma...and you didn't mention it in your first post that he is hiding money from you

Potrayed me as a liar was an insult and opening post was not enough to draw conclusion. Others asked questions after reading opening post to understand the situation better before deciding how to judge me.

AyeMoJuba:
You are gone the very day i found out you keep money or any asset away from my knowledge. It portrayed you as a liar.

So why are you taking the thread personal and getting insulting?

And what about my husband that is still hiding his money?

raumdeuter:
Your grandmothers traditional role is first to take care of her husband and house first its when she has completed that, that she can go into her side hustle
So the best way to achieve all you want is to live on your own. and not be accountable to anyone

I can balance everything perfectly well thank you very much. Traditional roles does not eliminate risks of bankruptcy which any sane woman would want to take precautions against by having backup funds on her part.

raumdeuter:
Lol. I knew where this was heading and what was on her mind from the very first post, I just helped her to spill the bean

OP, no need continuing in this marriage, take your money out and go live separately. Better divorce in yr1, than in yr 4 or yr9

If you want the traditional role, then you shouldnt leave the house to work, Your husband wakes up you are already awake sweeping, the moment he wakes his warm water is in the bath, before he finish bathing the food is ready and you stay at home all day cleaning the house and taking care of kids

You cant live a modern lifestyle on one side and want a traditional role on another side within a marriage. The best way to get that is to divorce and live your dream

Oh please!
Even in the seventies and eighties women who played traditional roles also had their own sources of income and jobs outside the house.
My grandmother was a typical village wife but she had her own farm and sold the produce to make money. Traditional roles doesn't mean I should sit on my arse all day doing nothing thank you very much.

Atk1nson:
Secondly, gone are the days when women were full time housewives, most women now work, some even earn better than their husbands (as in your case). It's only fair to me that we pool our resources together and decide how to use it in the interest of the family, I find it strange that some people here find that unfair. I'm not saying you should squander your savings, I'm only saying you should see it as "OUR savings" and understand he has a say in what you do with it as much as you also have in his income.
.

Thanks.
Since we should pool our resources together and contribute equally financially do you also agree that I am right to expect him to perform the same housework I perform? Should he participate equally in cooking meals and taking care of children and cleaning the house?
Like this week I cook for the family then next week he does the cooking. Or I clean the bathroom today then he does it next time it needs cleaning. Am I right to also expect this?

Please I want to know your opinion on this.

Atk1nson:
So the husband's money is for the family and her own money (even though she admits she earns more) is "HER savings". Anyway I don't blame her, I blame the man who went to see his in-laws and they were asking him how much he earns to know if he is capable of "taking care" of their daughter and he still went ahead with such marriage.
I'm absolving the man of blame, but the husband has come to the realisation that she is keeping "HER money" and doesn't want to spend his either. Both parties are wrong but Op still insists that since she "intended" to disclose it at some future date, hence she is right while the man is wrong. Whatever agreement the man initially had with her was likely based on trust, following the discovery that his wife has is keeping an undisclosed sum somewhere, that trust has been eroded. You can't come and be planning how you will spend my money while you've stashed some away with a plan to tell me at a date u like.

First of all, can you honestly say that when your daughter wants to get married you will not show any concern towards her husbands ability to provide for his family? Answer that question truthfully to yourself.

Second of all what do you mean 'I cannot come and go and be spending your money'? When did it become a crime for men to provide for their wives? Or because she works it now implies that the man is absolved of financial responsibilities?

I believe in traditional marriage roles, the husband is the provider and wife takes care of house and children and besides we AGREED on those roles before marriage. I still have sense to save money for the future because I know anything can happen to his money tomorrow (God forbid) or he might lose his job. I saved that money for eventualities because nobody knows tomorrow, I just realized after reading through the submissions here that I was wrong. I am supposed to spend everything and save nothing in order to be a good wife.

thorpido:
Her husband can't make her spend that savings.It's not for him to insist.
If she contributes to household expenditure and buys gifts for him once in a while,then that's okay.
Op,just needs to find a way to get the husband to be more open about his finances.He says if she knows how much he has,she will start to demand.She should find a way to disabuse that mindset.

How else would I disabuse it?

I don't take money from him for anything personal, I know this sounds ridiculous but it's the truth. I buy my own clothes and personal effects, there is nothing in the house that we both make use of which I don't contribute to buying. Even last month I bought the bags of foodstuff we usually buy to use for the next month.
I don't demand anything from him, as God is my witness.

How on earth should I disabuse his mindset? How?
What else do I need to do?

I am tired, if it gets too bad I will end the marriage.

Berbierklaus:
Ma'am you need to calm down.
I observed you and your husband did not have much level of understanding before getting married?
First of all you shouldn't compare your marriage/husband to others (that's a time bomb)
secondly,the love and commitment was not there initially,I'd advice you try to build it and see how it goes, what I mean is that,explain how the money came about to your husband,then tell him you will commit the money to him, then give him a part of it that you can part with and keep the rest,make it look like you have no money anymore, if he feels there is more,tell him people that saved it with you have collected their money, Then watch his next move ---That is testing what he really wants,then know your next move.
Lastly,please purge your mind of divorce,did you go into the marriage to divorce few years after? marriage is not relationship you can go in and out,forget about the conditions your parents gave to him,you are now a grown woman who should look after her affairs, come to an agreement with your husband,both of you are now one body,he probably agreed to their terms coz he was in a hurry to marry you.
God will see you through the first years of marriage it is usually rocky

Very bad idea. I can't involve more dishonesty in the marriage by lying about people collecting their money.
Secondly partly with the money will mean accepting bullying and oppression. I know he has money. I know what he makes every month from his business. This is selfishness on his part, sorry to say, and if I accept it I will end up being miserable in the marriage.

Jaygrl:
Did you understand the OP at all Her husband hasn't given them room to discuss about their finances. He doesn't want her to know how much he has,so why should she let him know how much she has in the bank? My marriage is also less than 1yr,my husband and I have never discussed my money,he asks for list of stuffs we need at home at the end of the month and gives me the money,he gives me money to make my hair e.t.c. Recently we are searching for a bigger apartment,the ones we have seen so far are quite beyond his budget, I volunteered to complete the money and he refused saying it is his duty to take care of me. He says always that I should save my money for our future...lol. Some men are not interested in however their wives decide to spend their money,he made a promise to her family to take care of her,that he should fulfill not minding how much she has in the bank.

Thank you my dear.

Isn't this how it should be?
With the husband going out to fend for daily bread while the wife takes care of house and children.

I have never seen a scenario where a woman is told that she must provide for the family whether she likes it or not.

Nobody tells men to cook or clean whether they like it or not.

I am not spending my savings. If worst comes to worst we end the marriage because this is oppression.

Berbierklaus:
[b]Please be wise in this end time sister,First of all you shouldn't have allowed him realize you are richer than him,since he didn't know before hand,that's where insecurities starts,watch how he will soon start questioning your movement and suspecting you of infidelity.

Now that he has known,its a dicey situation and you have to be wise,invest your money 'in your name', build houses 'in your name',sister things are happening.

Now that he knows you have money,you have no choice but to contribute a quota to the family upkeep,I'd advice you do it in moderation,because anytime you show signs that you are capable of taking up the whole responsibilities,be ready to do that for the rest of your life....Why would he suddenly start complaining about fending for his family after he discovered you have money,sister that Is a trait of gigoloism. He will soon bring business proposal,a land to buy etc,I hope you will be able to handle it when it starts.


In everything please seek financial advice from professionals before handing out your money(you worked for it even before he married you,so its yours)When loving and becoming a good wife,be wise remember we are in the end time[/b]

Thanks. This sounds very intelligent.

Imagine people telling me I was wrong to hide the money when our initial agreement was that he would be in charge of finances in our household and I also added that he was not struggling to support us.

Yet am wrong to keep my money to myself. I must spend it on our house. If I demand that he enters the kitchen to prepare dinner those days when I am too tired to do so the same people will start shouting about traditional gender roles.


Mtsheew

fluxbush:
Are you for real?
Did you actually go through all the posts on this thread and still say what you did? Wow! I give up.

I came for advice na, abi?

So people think they can type any rude nonsense they feel like to me.
I don't blame them afterall I am the one asking for advice.

Atk1nson:
why did you wait for him to find out that you kept a stash of money somewhere. You should have disclosed it as soon as u guys were married. If I were in his shoes, I will also feel betrayed. Why will husband and wife not trust each other with their finances. Whatever both parties earn should be collectively decided on

How about me?

How am I supposed to feel since he is still hiding his money up till now?

I am tired of repeating myself, I said it earlier in the thread that I had intentions of sharing my financial status with him but when I saw that he didn't share same sentiments I changed my mind.
Like someone said before he is the head, he should lead by example for heavens sake. I am still a human being with feelings and his hiding his money hurts me deeply but yet nobody thinks that is an issue, rather I should forget my feelings and understand why he feels betrayed.

Idon't know why people expect women to be robots that can put up with everything horrible and have to be extremely well behaved in return.

raumdeuter:
Who pays the rent and money for food

He paid the rent two years advance before we got married and our marriage is not up to one year so far we have not had cause to discuss rent issues.

Money for food is both ways, I pay and he pays. It's 50/50