₦airaland Forum

Re: Letter to my husband

First things first, the writer of this letter will NEVER get married or will be divorced soon after or better still, will live in the blissful ignorance of the existence of another more reasonable wife.

Secondly, if we dey quarrel and I dey vess, I wan comot house (go drink or go meet my uniben/biu girlfriend) and u stand in my way or lock the door, i will kill u. Repeat it slowly,  I . WILL . KILL . YOU. If u know u will apologize later, don't make me angry now. its just silly. And if I dey vess, just let me be, I will cool down after I've slept. And where does sleep come from? That's right, drink or sex!

If u become ugly & unsexy after a few childbirths, u start to wear big pant like pillow-case, or u dey wear knicker under ya cloth, or the strap of ya bra wide like belt, and u still have the animal boldness to ask me if u fine pass Halle Berry, depending on my mood and when last we Were Intimate or quarrelled, I will either laugh it off or tell u point blank "Stop dreaming, Idiat!" But I will never lie, all liars go to hell

I'm not a 3-minute man, I'm not even a 15-minute man, I wont blow my trumpet but if we dey blow and u interrupt my 'due-process' because u don tire and u no fit wait make I arrive. Let me warn u, it is better I react there & then than to calmly stand up, wear my clothes and go watch tv, I pity you. Note: this 'longevity' of which I speak is subject to the law diminishing returns; it will reduce with age & stress. So if instead of asking whats up u dare tease me or mock me because of under-performance relating to kpanshing due to reasons unknown to you, I will get a young undergraduate who wont, So shatdefakap!!

Don't worry about cooking, anything u refuse to cook, I will get from mama-put (she has ALWAYS been a better cook) so make dat wan no cause quarrel. ok?

I drink, u hear? I like Black Label & Guinness extra-smooth. It will be better if u learnt how to drink too cos, if u cant beat me then join me. Also the natural consequence of drinking is amorous intentions so pls abeg biko, na dat time conji dey hol me pass, na there i dey like do nonsense in the name of sex, (ask all my ex-girlfriends) abeg just play along. Kpata-kpata if worst comes to the worst, u close eye and open leg & and rub vaseline in-between. Afterall isnt it better I came to u? Or would u rather i stayed out late to cure the conji before I came home?

By the way, what do u mean by bizarre? Wharrafak is bizarre? We are married, idiat! All those forming suppose don stop when I dey toast u. Anytin I wan do now, na im we go do. If I wan make u hang upside down for fan, so shall it be. Shey u dey hear?? Oh, your still feeling fly because say na YOU i con meet abi? Dont worry, pls tell me no first. All I need is a reason to look outside. JUST ONE MARRAFAKING REASON.

I'm also glad u know say I like to watch football, thats good. u get sense, clap for yourself.

ARE U SERIOUS?? You will not call me names or bring up a list of my past faults? Nah, I wont fail for it. If its too good to be true then it usually is. Nagging is a reflex action for chicks so there aint no way in hell that you won't nag one way or the other. FYI, if u nag and your face is within reach, (complete the sentence).

Lastly, I'm not a monster, I have a heart. Blood flows in my veins and I'm human. I promise to love you, protect u, care for u, provide for u (that wan na constant), stand up for u in public, support u, defend u. I solemnly swear and affirm that I'm not a yahoo boy or swindler etc etc I will be your best friend, your guy & your nigga. I will be your number 1 fan,

I know I have a bad temper and I'm favorably disposed to mild and effective physical & emotional violence. But baby if u play by these simple rules, I will serve u breakfast in bed, even if u want am for bathroom, I will serve u there. And although I dont know what u mean, but I'm sure I will cope with your PMS, or is it SMS? okaaaaaaaay! na MMS, I will cope with your MMS. I will massage u after work, I promise you wont fake any Os *wink*, but i wont open no doors for you, I think its man-lover and more-so, your not handicapped.

Yours truly,
Husband for Life

My one & only husby,


I'm hoping you read this but even if I haven't met you, I know I will soon. We've all been waiting for you for a while now. What's keeping you? Was your flight delayed or are you too busy making our millions? My aunties keep asking, my mum keeps praying and even my father has a look in his eyes these days like "Oh girl, how far? Wetin dey happen?" I used to tell them you were on the next bus coming into town but then I realized that my future husband would have a car and not just one of those that went toh-toh-toh with thick exhaust fumes and body-odor laced wind-conditioning. Also he would not be a johnny-just-come so brothers in the village or who recently moved to town please do not see me in a vision or ask pastor about me.

My dear husband, tribe is not important but surnames are important. I don't want our kids teased in school. If you cannot pronounce your own surname without gulping air, I suggest you get a new one. Also if your parents named your nephew Victory-over-satan or Hygienius please inform them that they will not be naming our kids. I heard about a woman whose Mother-in-law gave her kids horrible tribal marks while she was at work. May I inform you that if that ever happens, I will sue! I want bright kids so if you are an average-joe, I suggest you up your game and get a Ph.D so you don't have to lie to your children that you came first in school.

Smelly, hairy arm-pits are disgusting, I want to be able to smell your pheromones without choking. I like CK euphoria, please make it your primary scent, especially when you want me to give you some after a long day.it makes me all warm inside! I hope you are not one of those men who don't flush toilets. Your poo ain't one of the seven wonders of the world and I couldn't care less if it took you ten minutes to get it out. I will not applaud the feat and the sooner it's forgotten the better for us all. If in your single days, you and your friends thought it amusing to entertain yourselves with fart of different sounds, duration and concentrations, please note that I am royalty and such behaviour will be severely frowned at. Boxers should not be recycled unless I am out of town! Any funky smell whatsoever would land you sleeping on the couch! And if you think an Al Qaeda beard or a body hairy like a bear is cool or you have to wear boxers a size larger to accommodate all the hair in there and you think it is sexy, then obviously you must have used jazz to get me and I must warn you that my mother is a pastor and I will not visit you in Yaba-left when you finally go mad as punishment for casting a smell um I mean spell upon me!

Now I'll be second wife to only one entity, football. Not because I'm so crazy about the game but because I figure you can't cheat and watch football at the same time. So your attachment to your team is inversely proportional to your straying. Yes, about straying.I know you'll be a CEO or a senior manager one day but my dear husband, female secretaries and PA's with bosoms are a no-no. I also don't think a house girl is ideal but since I don't want a house boy molesting my girls, I'm considering hiring a 42 year old female day time house-keeper. Not that I don't trust you boo but nobody leaves meat around for the dogs to learn self-control with. Also if we are driving by or surrounded by women, I expect you to have tunnel-vision and I should be the only light at the end of your tunnel. I'll ask you if I'm hotter than Halle Berry every once in a while and knowing how smart and peace-loving the man I married is, his answer will always be an enthusiastic 'Yes!'.

You are allowed to enjoy your beer though I will not tolerate drunken displays, you are no longer a teenager. If you come home late at night with stale beer-breath and expect me to kiss you without throwing up in your mouth, please make use of the Listerine in the bathroom before any amorous attempts. I do not condone smoking and I can sniff out cigarette smoke a mile away. I really don't care about it killing your lungs, you are an adult and if you choose to make me a widow early in life, that's your choice but permit me to remarry. The reason I will not stand you smoking around me is that secondary smokers die first, so if you plan to kill me off, do it in a more ingenious way rather than making me die a long painful death in cancer's cold grip!
Please be warned that my uncle's an AIG and so if you are presently a swindler, yahoo-boy or gambler I will hand you over to him without remorse and never bring you food or come see you in jail. I cannot have police coming to my house with search warrants. Have you seen a house after the police search it? It takes days to get it back in order not to mention the neighbors' gossip. We are a good christian family and I'd like to keep it that way, who knows you may be deacon one day!

Where staying out late is concerned, please make sure you take your key and if you expect any late night loving or a listening ear for your alcohol-induced excited chatter, please come home before midnight. When we argue please do not storm out of the house. Be warned that I'd have locked the door prior to a fight if I notice you are one of those men who run when mad. I don't want you driving into a tree and killing yourself before I have a chance to apologize and tell you how much I love you. I hear you men like to storm off and head to a beer-parlor where you can drink your beer and calm yourself down when angry. Well honey, there'll be beer in the fridge and we have a parlor, I won't intrude, knock yourself out! Please remember that we are on the same team and that the sun must not go down on our anger. Please always remember to fight fair. I will not call you names or bring up a list of your past faults and I don't expect you to do so either. Also do not under any circumstances hit me or even push me. I am your woman and I bruise easily. I know I did not marry a coward cos what other sort of man would hit a woman? Remember I may be irrational, impulsive and impatient sometimes but you are still my protector. Don't make me learn karate!!!

Please do not be a one to three-minute-man. I will not fake the big 'O' so that you know when exactly you are not getting it right. I will try most things but draw the line at bizarre. I know men are useless after *** but please muster up enough strength after I tire you out to cuddle me and call me those beautiful names that make me blush before you doze of and try not to snore, it ruins it for me and keeps me tossing and turning hours after you've made your grand entry into dreamland.

I will cook any and everything for you as I am an accomplished cook and I know that being a reasonable man, you will not err as long as I keep your tummy, ego and junior well satisfied but I would prefer you didn't send me to the kitchen to make fufu, starch or groundnut soup. If you have a strong affiliation for those foods that cannot be satisfied with pounded yam and banga soup or eba and edikainkong or semo and egusi soup, I suggest we visit your mother from time to time so you can suck bosom but much as I hate the above listed food, I will cook them all day, every day to keep my home. If you ever think the money you give me for food is too much, please know that you will be accompanying me to the market on my next trip for a feasibility study!

Please don't think that because I haven't listed the usual 'ten things I want in a man', I do not require them. I want a man who stands up for me, one who defends me 100% in public even if he'll chastise me in private. I want a man who massages me after a long day and doesn't think it unheard of to give me breakfast in bed more than once a year since I'll be pampering him 363 days in a year. I want a man who knows how to handle my PMS in a compassionate and kind manner and is patient with my imperfections. I must warn you that I will not be a 'Stepford-wife' ‎and I will get on your every last nerve once in a while but I will love you unconditionally, pray for you unfailingly, trust you implicitly, worry about you when you are sick, share all your burdens, take care of our children, stay awake till you come home at night, stay faithful even when you have a gut the size of china and need viagra the same way you need water and still be your number one fan. I'm your woman and I cannot wait for the first day of the rest of our lives,

Come quick!

Yours sincerely,
Wifey!

P.S: I wonder how much DHL will charge to find you and deliver this letter. Have a lovely night my husband, your unborn children say wassup.xoxoxo

dayokanu:
If ATM go dey every Ashi joint, I go relocate go east

On a lighter mood if she is still waiting for GOD after this years. Probably she can send a mail
BabaGOD@heaven.com

BLECINS:
It's not a bad idea for one to wait on God for anything; in this particular case i don't think the girl in question truly loves u.In my own opinion i believe she must have gotten someone else.
Some moths back a guy wanted me to marry him, initially i though he was the right person for me; i later discovered so many odd things about him; i felt that there was no better way to get him off my back other than to tell him that i was waiting on God for confirmation.
I doubt if she really wants to marry you !

gentlem80:
lol Cant but laugh Nairaland is a house of jokes sometimes. I will prefer[b] ESU BANKING SYSTEM[/b]

Now the question is obvious, how long can a government ignore and marginalize their own people's grievances without facing the consequences? This was not an attack on the democracy but the policy of the norwegian lefty government. Sadly, the innocent children were the ones who pay the price. This is a sad day of europe and of humanity. Let's hope that this kind of tragedy will never happen again, but somehow I seriously doubt it, because right now there are two forces in europe that on the collision course, the Leftists and the Nationalists. In the end, everybody will lose.

Perhaps we should also go to schools and change subject names from Islamic Studies to 'Non-christian studies'

It amazes me how you people can call Nigeria a 'secular state' in one breath, then in the other actively try to curtail the use of the word 'Islamic' to describe anything. The same people that are complaining of intolerance and bigotry are the ones trying hard to project intolerance by demanding that the term 'Islamic banking' using in lots of countries around the world must be expunged when it comes to Nigeria.

Perhaps muslims clerics should also demand change in names for Covenant and Madonna Universities to 'avoid discrimination and tension'.

nateevs:
Jobs? When you set a precedence of paying ex-militants a sum they will never earn from a job, you erase a generation.
What's the incentive for the uneducated in these regions to pick up a job? 65k? Some people will never earn 65k a month till they die.

It's cheaper to become a militant. Many University graduates don't earn 65k. How do you explain to these people who have no role models that it pays in the end to go to School? Why should they spend 20 years of their lives studying when you can pick up arms and threaten to blow up places?


More people will pick up arms in anticipation of the juicy end. . . 65k. When the situation reaches a threshold, government will fight back. These people will tell their generations unborn how they were deprived of their legitimate rights and encourage them to pick up arms and fight for their rights.


Where does it stop? How our President cannot see this, I cannot understand.

"This penalty, I didn't like it. We must respect players from other teams. In future you don't know what football will give you back," Katanec said after the game.