₦airaland Forum

hayoakins: In addition to the F7 BPP Study text, get the F7 Exam kit and familiarise yourself with the questions and also make iasplus.com your best friend for all IFRS and IAS related issues.

Using more than one text may hinder you from thoroughly covering the syllabus.

All the best.

Thanks bro....Really appreciate!

@gbengress1 & hayoakins,

I will be writing financial reporting for the new intermediate come november.Please,what other good textbook can I combine with ACCA BPP f7?Is FAMS(IFRS edition) okay?
Kindly advise a brother.Thanks in advance.

gbengress1: I thank God, Baba God do am again..... Nov. 2013, passed all PE1 papers.....May 2014, passed all PE2 papers.... I am now a Chartered Accountant.

Congrats bro!Did you attend lectures?

Pidivine: I have sent it again.

Just downloaded it.God bless you bro.Really appreciate!

Pidivine: I have sent it.

Bro,just checked my mail,and I didn't see it.I even had to check the spam folder all to no avail.I think you might have made a mistake with the e-mail spelling when you sent it.The e-mail is......... @yahoo.com once again.Thanks in advance!

Pidivine: have u received it?

No sir!

@PIDIVINE,Amen!Kindly don't forget to send the material I requested when you are less busy.Thanks!

@PIDIVINE,Hope your M.A went well bro?May God give each and everyone of us the cause to rejoice at the end of the day.Please I will highly appreciate if you can send the IFRS material to @yahoo.com.Thanks in advance.

@Pidivine,Thanks.........Do you have any idea if ICAN has uploaded the Nov 2013 exam number?

Is there anybody in the house with the intermediate pass list?

@bimbcy,straight download... http://www.icanig.org/documents/PATHFINDER-INTERMEDIATE-NOV-2012.pdf ....ALL THE BEST!

@Pidivine,I thought as much!

@ACA Paulipopor,we still need your help ooooo.

@Pidivine,is it just me,but I think there is no file attached to the downloadable link you posted above.Even I couldn't find any attachment in the mail you forwarded to my addy.Or could it be that I'm the only person experiencing this problem?Thanks for the effort all the same.

@ACA Paulipopor,sorry I forgot to indicate the level I'm sitting for.I'm actually writing INTERMEDIATE,and not P.E 1.I will be eternally grateful if you can send the intermediate NOV PATHFINDER 2012 to @yahoo.com.Thank you so much.

@Pidivine,if you have gotten a soft copy of the Nov 2012 PATHFINDER from ACA Paulipopor,kindly forward to .....@yahoo.com.Thanks in advance.@ACA Paulipopor,God bless you sir!

@all the wonderful ICAN professional students in the house,is anybody in possession of the soft copy of the PATHFINDER for Nov 2012 Diet?

The Author's name can be found at the beginning of the piece.

@Rhino,it is just a comical satire trying to capture the mentality of the average Nigerian youth.Or rather why a revolution may never happened in Nigeria.

HOW TO DISPERSE A CROWD
by Leigh Oluwole on Friday, March 25, 2011 at 7:47am



The time for Nigeria's Youth Revolution has come. Our Youths have taken to the streets. They have surrounded the Gates of Aso Rock and have vowed not to leave until their demands are met

0700 hrs

I woke up in the morning and my phone rang. President Jonathan was on the line.

He was furiously panting and breathing loudly. I got him to calm down and explain the reason for his discomfort. He let me know that hundreds of Nigerian Youths had gathered at the Gate of Aso Rock demanding his removal.

The Conversation ensued:



GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, What should I do? They want to remove me

Me: Calm down, Oga Jona , How old are the Protesters?

GEJ: Comrade: They all look young, like University/ Poly Graduates

Me: Good, Very Good, That means they are young people

GEJ: What do you mean "Very Good"? The situation is "Very Bad". You know what such young people have done to governments all over the World and you are saying "Very good".

Me: Oga jona, Don't mind them, Nigerian Youth are not like all those suicidal youth that can confront armored tanks with bare fists. I know these people. Have you forgotten I am one of them?

GEJ: I am really confused, What should I do? Should I go and call out Mummy Patience to talk to them:

Me: Oga Jona,Nooooooooooo Bad idea, not time to call Mummy now. Just calm down, take a deep breath and follow my instructions.

GEJ: Okay, I am calming down, but I am very afraid, All my other comrades have disappeared, Ima Niboro is no where to be found, Oronto was last seen jumping the back fence, Orubebe told me he wanted to go and mobilise forces, but I strongly suspect he 's back in the village

Me: Oga Jona, E fara buruku bale *

GEJ: What does that mean?

Me: Don't worry , It is a greeting in my native dialect.Now to the action plan. As long as they are young people, I can assure you that by the time we are through with our plans, they will all be gone

GEJ: I am all ears

Me: Immediately fly DJ Jimmy Jatt from wherever he is in Lagos to come and set up and play background music. I know all those youths, The moment they hear correct jams, their anger will subside.

GEJ: Ok, I will arrange for that. Let me call you back after that is done



1000 hrs

My phone rings

GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, It is working, They've calmed down. Some are even dancing palongo

Me: You see, I told you

GEJ: But do you think if we continue playing music they will eventually leave

Me: Abi Oponu ni man yi sha? *

GEj: What did you say?

Me: It's the way my village people say Good Morning

GEJ: ok o

Me: The Music we are playing is to calm them down. We now move to Step 2. This is where we will start dispersing them gradually

GEJ: Ok , I am all ears

(DJ Plays "Scape Goat" by DBanj in the Background)



Me: Tell them that Daddy G.O has announced an emergency meeting at the camp on Km, 46 Lagos- Ibadan Expressway. Tell them Daddy G.O says every young person between Age 15 and 35 must come to Camp in the next 6 hours if they want to make heaven. Also make sure you provide free transport for them

GEJ: But how do you expect them to just believe a statement like that? These people that gathered here for days are not that dumb to hear that and now disappear

Me: What do you know about them? Their education and intelligence is put aside the moment you introduce matters of religion. Oga Jona, Just make sure you mention that the message is from DADDY G.O

GEJ: Okay, Let me get back to you

(DJ Plays "Implication" by Tuface)



1100 hrs

My phone rings

GEJ: Comrade, My good Comrade, Half of them have disappeared. If you saw how they were scrambling to travel down to Lagos, you will have thought the world was about to end.

That Daddy G.O man must be powerful o. I will like to meet him

Me: What do you mean by You will like to meet him? But newspaper picture showed you kneeling down before him for prayers the other day. You have met him already

GEJ: Aa ah ah, I think I remember now. if you know the number of places I have gone to kneel down for prayers, you will understand why I keep getting their names confused. Now, My Good comrade , what is the next step, Should i do Gender balancing by saying Mummy G.O says they should come and meet her?

Me: E rori e , opolo e o ju ti apeja lo *, Mummy G.O ko, Mummy G.O ni

GEJ: Comrade, you have come again with your mother tongue, Is that yoruba for Good Afternoon ?

Me: Exactly, We have to move to the next step, forget religion,We have played that card already. All those young people that don't know God always know Shayo. We are now going to tap into the "Shayo" factor

GEJ: Comrade, what is the meaning of Shayo?

Me: Oga Jona, I am sure you have heard of Burukutu, Akpeteshi

GEJ: My Comrade, You are trivialising matters of life and death. People are calling for my head, You are busy talking about Burukutu

Me: Cool Down Oga Jona. We are now going to tap into the Shayo factor. Declare an immediate cancellation of import duties and introduction of subsidy of Moet, Hennessy, Jack Daniel and Goose. Tell them that your government has decided that all those drinks will now sell for no more than N1000

GEJ: Are you serious that will work? What are all those strange drinks that you are mentioning?

ME: Oga Jona, Go and try out the formula. If it doesn't work,call me bastard. Have you forgotten I know all these people?



1200 hrs

My phone rings

GEJ: Po Po po po Po po something po Po PO Po something

Me: Oga Jona, Are you okay?

GEJ: Po Po something

Me: Oga Jona, who taught you that song?

GEJ: My Very Good Comrade, You should have seen the effect. The moment I announced a National Drinks Subsidy, they all screamed The D.J just played a song. You should have seen how they all burst out in dancing and singing. They taught me the song" Po Po PO ". You should have seen them "po-ing something" as they danced home.

ME: Oga Jona, i told you now, All those young people, so-called activists, those that don't follow bible will follow henessy.

GEJ: Comrade, I assure you when this trouble is over , we will have a private session to "po something"

Me: No problem Sir, I remain your humble adviser. However , are they all gone?

GEJ: That's true, some stubborn ones remain o. These ones look very educated, intellectual and scientific. They seem not to be moved by God or Henessy. I really don't know what to do. Don't you think I should call Mummy Patience to come and take over

Me: Ah Ah, This is not a matter for Mummy o. At all, At all. Let her stay where she is. I know those stubborn ones. I know them very well

GEJ: Are you serious? You have a solution to them too

Me: I know them very well. We have to give an academic solution to an academic problem. Oga Jona, Step 4 consists of 2 sub-steps. Listen closely,

Step 4a, Announce that you have endowed a Goodluck Jonathan award for Good Governance as part of the next Future Awards. Tell them you will move the awards from Lagos to Abuja with an all -expense paid World tour for both organisers and winners. I assure you, some of them will take off. In the case that doesn't work, we move to Step 4b. You have to meet these people at the point of their needs. Declare that you are awarding Masters scholarships to Harvard, Oxford, Insead or any other ivy league school. The scholarships are to be used for studying useless courses like Developmental Economics, Environmental Sustainability and Third World Econometrics, Social Research, Political Development. I can assure you that those that don't follow God and will not follow Hennessy will definitely follow book

GEJ: My good Comrade, let me get back to you



1600 hrs

My phone rings

GEJ: My Good comrade. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Your last suggestion worked. But it took time. You can imagine that those educated ones, even though they were still going to leave still took about 3 hours of deliberations and arguments among themselves before they departed. I don't understand,Why do you have to discuss for 3 hours what you are going to do before eventually doing it.

Me: Oga Jona, I told you now, the educated ones are tougher, They will analyse until they paralyse. Anyway, have they all gone?



GEJ: Yes , the intellectuals were the last set. But wait ooo, What is this noise I am hearing?



Noise is heard in the background, DJ Jimmy Jatt packs up his equipment and takes off.



1700 hrs

GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, They have come again o, about 100 people just showed up from no where. These ones are totally different. Music does not seem to work on them, I doubt if our other schemes will work. Comrade, we are in trouble. My days infact my minutes are numbered,

Me: Oga Jona, Calm down, Calm down, let me think

GEJ: Comrade, there is no time to think o. They will soon start climbing the walls

Me: Give me some time, Let me call you back

GEJ: Ha , Comrade, don't leave me o , don't leave me o



1800 hrs

My phone rings

GEJ: Comrade, Why are you no picking up my phone. How can the Chief Commander in Charge of Nigerian forces be calling you and you will not pick?

Me: Commander ko, Ebenezer Obey ni.

GEJ: Same to you, Same to you hundred times. You think I don't know you have been abusing me in your mother tongue. You have forgotten that I did my NYSC in Osun State? You think

Me: Oga Jona, I will drop this line o

GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, let us put our emotions aside. We are all tired. It has been a long day. Let us not turn on ourselves. I beg you in the name of all that are IZON, What is the solution to these latest set of brigands? Talk now or I am in trouble

Me: You know the solution already. It is with you

GEJ: Stop Speaking in Parables, comrade

Me: We need to call on Mummy Patience. Go and address the Youth and tell that Mummy Patience is coming out to address and wait for the reaction.

GEJ: Aa h, Comrade, if it backfires we are all in trouble, you , me and the rest of we.

Me: Just go and tell them Mummy Patience will come and speak to them



1900 hrs

Phone Rings

GEJ: po Po Po Po Po Po something, Comrade You can't believe it. Unbelievable, Unfathomable, Unimaginable . They have all gone, disappeared into thin air,

vamoozed faster than the harmmattan wind that blows in my home town Otuoke.

Me: Oga J tell me something. How did it happen?

GEJ: The moment i told them that Mummy Patience was coming to speak to them. They all took off in various directions, shouting that they are afraid for their lives. They were shouting that they don't want to die young. It must be a sign of respect for Mummy patience. They must really respect her or how else do you explain the fact that people who are not scared of AK-47 are suddenly scared of Mummy Patience. It is simply too much Respect for her

Me: Aah, Oga J, You will not understand. If they had allowed Mummy to talk it would have been more than AK-47. They have too much respect. in fact the word is not Respect , it isReskept. Help me tell Mummy that Nigerians Reskept her too much. Reskept is too much. if all fails, try Mummy P



THE END

Glossary

E fara buruku bale - Calm your useless self down

Abi Oponu ni man yi sha? - Is this man a fool

E rori e , opolo e o ju ti apeja lo - Look at his head, his brain is just like that of a fisherman

BABA IYABO: Ha! Goodluck, IBB and even you Atiku visiting me together?



IBB: You know old comrades always come together no matter what!



BABA IYABO: You are right IBB, but what about these civilians… especially you Atiku



GOODLUCK: It’s the same matter that brought the three of us to visit you sir!



BABA IYABO: Ehen? When am about to eat pounded yam and my favorite bitter-leaf soup?



Okay o!As long as you guys don’t disturb me when am eating



ATIKU: We will try not to disturb when the food is served


IBB: But you have not even asked us what brought us here


BABA IYABO: Eh! It’s because my mind is on the bitter-leaf soup, you should know I don’t joke it with. By the way it was prepared by my new catch! She is just 25, you should see her. You know my wife is dead shey?


ATIKU: Yes we know, but the problem that brought us can’t wait it is very urgent!


BABA IYABO: And I should forget the bitter-leaf soup because of the problem shey?


IBB: Of cause not, we know you don’t joke with bitter-leaf soup


BABA IYABO: So what are you waiting for Goodluck? Spill it!


ATIKU: It’s about the new phenomenon sweeping the country?


BABA IYABO: Mogbe! That is impossible I mean Japan is so far from here so how could the radiation get into this country?


GOODLUCK: Not Japan sir, I mean the tsunami sweeping across the country


BABA IYABO: Apart from Japan, there has not been any recent tsunami that I know of


ATIKU: He is talking about the BB tsunami spreading like plague at an alarming rate!


BABA IYABO: Buhari? Bakare? And that’s why you came to disturb me when am about to eat my special bitter-leaf soup prepared by my sweet 16!


GOODLUCK: Sixteen? Is that not illegal? I thought you just said she was 25?


ATIKU: She is 25 quiet alright, but we call young girls sweet sixteen!


BABA IYABO: I never believe I will say this, but THANK YOU Atiku! By the way IBB are you also afraid of BB?


GOODLUCK: Sorry sir, but at the rate they are going they might,


BABA IYABO: Don’t ever interrupt me again when I am speaking or I will ask IBB to give you some military training right now!


IBB: its not like I am afraid of them, but if BUHARI becomes president don’t you think he will come after us for corruption?


ATIKU: That is what I am afraid of.


BABA IYABO: Of cause, you should be afraid Atiku! You stole too much money ke!


ATIKU: No just me alone!


BABA IYABO: Oh! So you want to compare yourself with IBB and myself abi? Now tell me, were you in the military? And are you a general for crying out loud


GOODLUCK: He was in the Customs sir!


BABA IYABO: And that makes him a military man shey? Olodo! Oya tell me if he also fought in the War?! I should have known the first time I saw your face, you are not smart at all Goodluck I truly regret installing you, because you are not smart at all


GOODLUCK: Tunde Bakare’s SNG helped too sir!


BABA IYABO: When Queen Turai was treating you like her houseboy shey? All these happened because you are not a strong man! I should have installed an ex military man! Nigerians love strong people! The other day you were shaking because a little girl from CNN was interviewing you. Didn’t you see my own interview? I told the British boy straight to his face that his questions were silly! Same with IBB, nobody can intimidate us. Anyway as your father, I will still make sure you retain your post after the elections but you must be strong shogbo?


ATIKU: But what if BB wins, what are we going to do?


BABA IYABO: Has Mr FIX-IT left our dear party? I said we will take care of it!


GOODLUCK: But how is that going to be possible if BB wins? They have instructed their supporters to go to the pooling stations with petrol and matches and if JEGA boys try to rig in our favor they should light them up!


BABA IYABO: Action man! I trust BUHARI, you see we military men don’t take nonsense, we are ready for war at any time and that was why nobody dared me when I was ruling. Anyway now that you know all these, what have you done to convince the people that you are the best man for the job?


GOODLUCK: Ermmmm!!!! Emm! Em!


IBB: But they gave you opportunities to sell yourself to the public through debates


BABA IYABO: I hope you didn’t take that your EMBLERA wife with you to the debates?


ATIKU: Actually he has not attended any debates yet and he is not planning to attend any


BABA IYABO: Goodluck, are you also afraid of talking to your own people? I mean this is not the CNN little girl o!


GOODLUCK: They will ask what I have done since I became the president, especially on corruption and I am afraid I don’t have any answer for,


BABA IYABO: So why haven’t you arrested anybody for corruption? During my time I arrested IG Tafa Balogun, I had the NafDac Woman working hard on fake drugs, Okonjo Iweala was on board working hard too. What have you been doing Goodluck? I mean why didn’t you arrest that Charge and bail Lawyer called Anakonda self!


GOODLUCK: Aondoakaa sir!


IBB: This is not time for names correction, you should be listening to Baba’s advice


BABA IYABO: Leave him IBB, I don’t blame him at all. He has big mouth when it comes to me, yet he is afraid to even speak to his own people and has nothing to show for one year of ruling


GOODLUCK: I speak to them on Facebook sir!


BABA IYABO: Are you the one writing those things? You were given opportunity to speak directly to them but you ran away


ATIKU: I wish you had installed me instead!


BABA IYABO: You ke? so that you can loot our treasury dry! No thank you! I prefer a clueless Goodluck to you Atiku.


GOODLUCK: Thank you sir! …, But I am still afraid that if BB wins, and we steal their votes all those angry Abokis will burn up the North and instead of the army to allow the country plunge into civil war, they will take over and we will be back to the military days


BABA IYABO: Then you better think of attending the remaining debates, and arresting some people like Anakonda so that Nigerians will know you have Balls, because if the military takes over, IBB and I will be safe. We take care of our own but as for civilians like you and Atiku it will be hell… Anyway my pounded yam and bitter-leaf soup is ready… IBB please join me, Atiku and Goodluck wait for us here. By the time I finish eating I will have enough strength to think of a good strategy for your problem… Shey it is good to have a godfather that you can cry to eh?
OYA LAUGH SMALL Jare!

"For Nigerians who will be voting for the Peoples Democratic Party / GEJ my prayer is, may all your lives be run the way the PDP has been running Nigeria in the past 12 to 13 years. , Amen" ~Abs Umar


If none of you can say Amen to that prayer,then you are all enemies of Nigeria.

“According to most studies, people’s number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? This means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” Jerry Seinfeld

First of all, let me give you a reading list. Now that you’ve agreed to participate in the presidential debates, the first book to read is ‘What To Say… When You’re Dying on the Platform’ by Lilly Walters. I’m not going to dwell on the title of the book lest someone accuses me of trying to poison Mr. P. Thus, SSS take note. It’s a book. I swear.

Another resource that you may want to consult before the debate is ‘Abraham Lincoln on Communication’ by Gene Griessman. This one na DVD. It will teach you how to tell stories. For example, it will guide you to polish your favourite story of how you went to school without shoes. The last time you told that story, Nigerians laughed at you because, they said – not me – that the story was unoriginal; because – they again, said – that at the time you went to school, almost every pupil went to school without shoes. Some even claim that there are some children in the 21st century Nigeria who still go to school without shoes.

But I guarantee that by the time you’re done watching the DVD; you can turn any banal, old-hat event into an arresting narration. You’ll become a raconteur extraordinaire. You’ll become like Lincoln and strings unforgettable words like “we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground.” In case you’re wondering, the quote is from The Gettysburg Address that birthed the most popular definition of democracy.

And since you once confessed that you don’t read (at least you said you didn’t read your party’s constitution even when mountains were falling around you on the matter of zoning) you should have no problem with watching a DVD.

One of the most important resources on public speaking is ‘Words Fail Me: What Everyone Who Speaks Should Know about Speaking’ by Patricia T. O’ Conner. This, na book. I know. They are becoming too many, however on this one, I’ll point you to the page you need: 180. There, you’ll learn how to organize your thoughts. Organizing your thoughts is so important that Michel de Montaigne said, “Any man may speak truly, but to speak with order, wisely and competently, of that, few men are capable.”

I promise this is the last one: ‘Secrets of Successful Speakers: How You Can Motivate, Captivate and Persuade.’ This one too na book. It’s also written by busy-body Lilly Walters. Here I only have two pages for you to read: 170-171.

Lastly, you should read ‘Present Your Way to the Top’ by David Dempsey. I said the one before this was the last one; but I lied. This, however, is the last one. And it’s the only mandatory text on the list. You will enjoy reading it because the guy dey funny.

It is possible that you may not consult the resources I recommended. Even if you want to, Mike Omeri, the enemy sniffer, may whisper something in your ears behind by back, which will turn you against me and throw away the baby, the bath water and the bath or the bucket or whatever carries the baby and the bath water.

Should that unfortunate situation occur, I’ve made a contingency plan that will benefit all. You see, I’ve read the books and others like them and I’ve shrunk them into four important points. This way, the resources are pre-digested for you.

Number one, don’t drown yourself in details. Whenever Kadaria, Kokomaster or whoever is given the responsibility of tormenting you, asks a challenging question, tell them you don’t know. If you blather on and on, you’re certainly going to give our enemies quotable quotes that will last them the election season. ‘Umblerra’ is already losing its freshness.

Number two, when humour fails or when the unappreciatetive members of the audience refuse to applaud, do what professional comedians do. Say something like, “Well, my mum liked it!” You can replace mum with Dame if you think that’s more appropriate. Or just tell yourself that you’re OK; it’s the audience that are crazy. Dempsey said, “Delusional behaviour is allowed in these moments of distress.”

Number three, when you get thrown off your saddle by a heckler sitting in the hall, don’t get defensive (“Why are you asking me? Why don’t you ask Nuhu? He always has an opinion on corruption…”), don’t handicap yourself with apologies (“Na wao! I’m sorry, I don’t really know much about constituents and constituencies…”) or excuses (“I haven’t had my Dame brewed cocoa drink, so I am not thinking clearly…”).

Finally, structure your responses like a speech. For example if General Buhari says he’s going to publish the progress of every capital project on the Internet so that Nigerians can monitor the contractors and their airhead public conspirators, you could structure your response to his slabber thus: One, state your position (“General Buhari is crazy, and his idea is a treasonable felony…”), two, explain your position (“Although allowing Nigerians to supervise the projects will ensure transparency, it will also gnaw at civil service morale and contractors’ confidence…”), lastly, summarize (“Although publishing the progress of every project may increase productivity, we need to consider less drastic measures first; such as preventing the General from saying anything for the remainder of the debates.”)

That’s all!

You should take consolation in the fact that Nigerians don’t know how to torment their leaders with probing questions – even the journalists don’t know how. In fact you shouldn’t be surprised if someone wastes his allotted time congratulating you on the death of Yar’adua.

Another reason why you should do well is because you’ll be the only candidate on that platform with a Ph.D. Buhari also has a doctorate but he didn’t write a thesis to earn it – so it’s not the real thing.

You should count yourself lucky that Professor Pat Utomi wasn’t invited. That guy is the most lucid Nigerian I know.

If you’re going to take any of my advice, it’s this one: don’t go for the debate. Find another excuse not to participate. As Americans say, “that shit will kill you.”



- Ibraheem Dooba (idooba@gmail.com)

We need more musicians like ELDEE who will stand up to these vultures looting Nigeria to stupor.Big ups man!

Baba E Wi Hun Hun By Pius Adesanmi
Posted: October 2, 2010 - 22:15

Columnist:
Pius Adesanmi
(Speech delivered at the Nigeria @ 50 symposium jointly convened by the Nigerian High Commission, Ottawa, and the Institute of African Studies, Carleton University, Ottawa on September 30, 2010)

Baba E wi hun hun would be approaching his 100th birthday by now if he was still alive. My Dad, who passed on three years ago in his seventies, used to call him “boda”, a common Yoruba cultural honorific, possibly a domestication of the English, “brother”. Like my Dad, Baba E wi hun hun belongs in that generation of Spartan, colonial, missionary-trained teachers who were the very incarnation of Nigeria’s moral and ethical fabric from the fifties down to the very early eighties.

Surely, you remember this teacher if you are a Nigerian of a certain age. Do you remember his well-starched khaki shorts that reached down to his knees, stopping just where his long socks started their descent into his well-polished black shoes? Do you remember that those khaki shorts were pressed so hard with a charcoal iron that the edges - called "gator" in local parlance - almost cut like a razor blade?

Do you remember the starched short sleeve white shirt that he tucked in and his immaculate black tie? Do you remember his glistening black hair, about half the size of the African American Afro style? His wife combed it for him every morning, faithfully putting the obligatory "parting" either in the middle or on one side of his head, just before he went to the schoolyard for morning assembly. If you grew up in the village when Nigeria was Nigeria, you probably called him “tisa”.
The remnants of this generation of teachers, who toiled to build Nigeria alongside British District Officers, Irish Catholic priests, and Canadian missionaries of the Sudan Interior Mission, and later took over the moulding of an unimpeachable national ethos when the colonial oppressors departed, are the same people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s who now drop dead in pension queues all over Nigeria, tragic victims of a polity ruined and looted beyond repairs by younger generations of Nigerians they trained.

Before he passed on in 2007, my father used to stand in those horribly dehumanizing pension queues until I snapped and stopped him. I couldn’t take what Nigeria was doing to his dignity anymore. From the early 1960s when he made the mistake of quitting his comfortable perch in Dundee, Scotland, and returned home like other dreamers in his generation to build the newly-independent country, up until 1985, he had been “tisa” (teacher) and “pinrinsipa” (principal) to the generation of rulers that was now making him stand in those queues, exposing him to the elements in the evening of his life, especially that horrible sub-Saharan African tropical sun.

It is not easy to explain the pension queues in Nigeria to a Western audience such as we have here today. Fifty years after independence, that is how the giant of Africa has elected to treat those who forged and shaped her foundational ethos. Those of you who love to sunbathe in the summer, protecting your skin from the biting rays of the sun with all sorts of creams, should go and experience Nigeria between noon and 3 p.m. You will gain a firsthand understanding of what that country did to my father and Baba E wi hun hun in the last decade of their lives.

Baba E wi hun hun and my Dad were not asking for their share of Nigeria’s notoriously corrupt and putrescent national cake. They would never have wanted any part of that cake. You see, they belonged in a totally different moral and ethical order. Theirs is a generation that took the saying, “a teacher’s reward is in heaven”, too literally. All they wanted was what Nigeria owed them: their pension. The never got it till they died.
My father was luckier than his older friend and colleague, Baba E wi hun hun. My father has a son who – I’m sure you will allow me this immodesty – is not doing too badly as a University Professor in Canada, a son who could afford to tell the Nigerian government to go to hell and take care of his father through the kind offices of Western Union money transfer. If he can afford it, there are things a son must never allow Nigeria to do to his father: expose him to the elements in his 70s just because he is asking for his pension.

But my mom, also a retired school principal in her 70s, disagrees with me. She has other ideas about dignity. Dignity, for her, is not allowing Nigeria to get away with robbing her late husband, even if it means gathering my father’s papers every month and heading out to Lokoja, the state capital, to stand for hours on end in those horrible queues. We argue endlessly on the phone. I tell her to forget it. After all, I stopped Dad from going to the queue because it broke my heart to see him dehumanised by the generation he trained but mom won’t be deterred. Calmly and with as much dignity as Nigeria allows the oppressed to muster, she explains to me that she was my father’s wife for 49 years till death did them part, watched him mould and shape that country through the generations he trained as a teacher in Katsina, Kaduna, Minna, Kabba, Isanlu, and Egbe and would therefore never allow Nigeria to steal his entitlements.
Recently, the wicked rulers of Nigeria upped their game in the dehumanization of this generation of Nigerian seniors. I phoned my mom and she answered from Abuja, Nigeria’s capital city. What could she possibly be doing in Abuja? Aren’t pension queues restricted to the state capitals anymore? Well, she got one of those terse government circulars (memo here in Canada). It was actually addressed to my father. Wait for this one: somebody somewhere was directed to invite my father to some ministry in Abuja to prove that he is dead so that his entitlements could be paid to his wife! Failure to come personally and prove that he is dead would of course lead to the forfeiture of his claims.

As we say in Nigeria: things dey happen! Pardon my use of “directed”. That is the language of government in Nigeria. Every government memo, every circular, starts with: “I am directed to inform you that…” That allows us the luxury of democracy without responsibility. If things don’t work, no problem, carry go. After all, you were directed by someone who was directed by someone who was directed by someone. One day, the president of Nigeria will forget himself and address a memo to his ministers saying: “I am directed…”
Let us leave one woman’s pitiful attempt to stop Nigeria from rubbishing the dignity of her husband three years after his death. Let us return to Baba E wi hun hun. Apart from being a church warden in our local Catholic parish and the scourge of kids who fell asleep during the homily of Father Léo Leblanc or Gérard Fournier, Baba E wi hun hun was one of the formidable teachers in the Catholic primary school system that was established throughout Lokoja Diocese in the 1950s and 1960s. The schools litter both sides of the Federal road from Kabba to Egbe. Isanlu, my home town, got two of those schools, one in the Ofin axis, the other in the Itedo Oba axis of the town. Both were called Saint Joseph’s. Government would later take over those schools in the 1970s and transfer them to the Oyi Local Schools Management Board (OLSMB).

Government takeover was a path to perdition for those schools. They would become part of the narrative of rust and decay that attended government takeover of Christian missionary schools all over Nigeria. My parents withdrew me from the public primary school system after only one year and enrolled me in the elitist nursery and primary school system run by Spiritan Catholic priests from France and Québec – the origins of my acquisition of the French language and acculturation into the civilization it carries. I was privileged to be a pupil of Baba E wi hun hun for one year before my parents enforced my pilgrimage to the upper middleclass elitism of the nursery and primary school system of those days.

His acquisition of the sobriquet, Baba E wi hun hun, is itself a study in the sociology of aliases and onomastics in rural Nigeria. A very broad range of traditional occupations provided ready-made sobriquets that often replaced the real names of many a matriarch or patriarch in the village. My world growing up in Isanlu was one in which I had to prostrate to say good morning to Baba Elemu (the palm wine tapper), Baba Olode (the hunter), Baba Alagbede (the blacksmith), Baba Oni gan gan (the gangan drummer), Iya oni resi (the rice seller), Iya Abiye (the midwife), Iya oni diri (the hair dresser).
Sometimes, the sobriquets came from the verbal artistry of the named. Is there a refrain that a patriarch or matriarch repeats often in situations of verbal fioritura? That refrain could end up replacing his or her real name for the villagers. For instance, there was a palm wine tapper in the village called Baba oro rinda. I never got to know his real name. Legend has it that he was so proud of the quality of his palm wine that whenever consumers of his white froth praised him, he would exclaim in his Yagba West dialectal variant of Yoruba: “oro rinda”! Standard Yoruba would have this as: “oro ni mo nda” – I tap the best palmwine! Luckily, you have all read Things Fall Apart and I shouldn’t have to explain the atmospherics of palm wine consumption in my part of the world.

It was such verbal artistry that got Baba E wi hun hun his own nickname. The future that Baba E wi hun hun and his peers all over Nigeria envisaged as they toiled in our primary and secondary schools after independence was that of a nation that was going to become the sum total of the values they were instilling in the pupils. In each pupil, they sought to build what the American historian, William Bouwsma, calls the “model of the educated man” – a psychic and sentient being socialized into an elevated sense of personal and collective honour, civic responsibility, professional competence, self respect, honesty, and integrity. Their approach to training and making us ready for the future they dreamed for Nigeria was a methodological mosaic that combined strict Christian morality with unimpeachable indigenous values. They lived what they preached. They did not spare the rod.

Baba E wi hun hun started our day at morning assembly with lofty speeches delivered in the tonalities and cadences of Yoruba verbal art forms. He loved the engagement of antiphonal call and response that is characteristic of traditional story telling sessions or the Catholic responsorial psalm. While other teachers preferred “yes sah” and “yes ma” as responses to instructions, Baba E wi hun hun taught us every morning about honesty, integrity, hard work, and dignity in lyrical declamations in which he required us to utter the refrain “hun hun” after his every sentence. It was his way of ensuring our participation and undivided attention. It was his own peculiar way of ascertaining that his message was sinking into our consciousness. For the Yoruba expression, “e ma wi hun hun”, literally means: utter hun hun in response to my proclamations.

Generations of Isanlu kids chorused hun hun during morning assembly to Baba E wi hun hun’s mandate that we should aspire to build a Nigeria ensconced in the values that he and his ilk were teaching us. The shape and condition of Nigeria at fifty` is, of course, evidence that these colonial teachers, who laboured all over the country, had cast pearls before swine. The generations that they trained, those fellows in their forties, fifties, and sixties, who are making such a thorough mess of Nigeria today, are not just content with betraying the dreams of Baba E wi hun hun. They are doing it in the most profligate manner possible. The labour of our heroes past, hun hun.

Because of the nature of the man who runs the show at the Nigerian High Commission here in Ottawa, we have been asked to assemble today and celebrate Nigeria at fifty purely as a feast of ideas, a meeting of minds, a bazaar of critical faculties, and occasion for red-eyed sobriety and head-bowing. I wish I could say the same for his hedonistic bosses in Abuja. I am not going to tell you how much they are spending on this independence anniversary. Even by Canadian standards, you will faint. I am not going to tell you that the President of Nigeria has a harem of nine presidential jets. I am not going to tell you that the President of Nigeria considers it a crime against humanity for him to travel even to the toilet with less than two jumbo jet loads of accompanying aides. I am not going to tell you that his wife travels with a “luggage officer” tucked somewhere in her Kilimanjaro of aides. The labour of our heroes past, hun hun.

I am not going to tell you that the President of Nigeria is a teacher who doesn’t seem to understand that all over that country, the teachers who taught his generation and established the ethos that should have guided us in the last fifty years are dropping dead in pension queues on his watch. I am not going to tell you that I suspect that the wicked generation now in charge of Nigeria are deliberately punishing those who have refused to die in the generation of Baba E wi hun hun. For it doesn’t make sense for a nation to entertain the world with the spectacle of the foundational generation of teachers dying in pension queues. Every one of those colonial teachers still alive is a living indictment on the looters. In those sunken eyes, the looters see evidence of the dreams they betrayed and the expectations they never lived up to. The labour of our heroes past, hun hun.

The labour of our heroes past, shall never be in vain… another old teacher drops dead in a pension queue somewhere in Nigeria before you get to the end of that song. To serve with heart and might, and they drop dead in Aiyetoro Gbede, Mopa, Ponyan, Isanlu, Ejiba, Odo Ere, and Egbe. One nation bound in, in, another teacher drops dead, his gratuity stolen by government officials. It is an insult to the labour of my father, Baba E wi hun hun, and all those colonial teachers that Nigeria is punishing as I speak for this anthem to be blared whenever Goodluck Jonathan steps into a room. The labour of our heroes past, does he even know the meaning of those words? Our corrupt state governors step into a room and that song is also blared. That is an insult. The labour of our heroes past, hun hun.

After October 1, 2010, the fumes of wine and the bacchanals will clear from the eyes of our oppressors in Abuja. They will prepare the presidential jets and the protocol officers and the luggage officers in readiness for the next jamboree trip abroad. My mother will dutifully prepare my father’s documents and travel to Lokoja or Abuja. Some government official in his forties or fifties, high on his daily dosage of bigmanism, will keep that seventy-two year old woman standing in the sun yet again. Her grey hair glinting and roasting in that sun, the wrinkles on her forehead, the ache in her knees as they threaten to give, and that tear drop, always a single tear drop whenever my mother is defeated in ways patented only by Nigeria to defeat a citizen, are, for me, the signposts to the next fifty years in the life of Goodluck Jonathan’s Nigeria.
Hun Hun,

GEJ and His Imaginary Facebook Friends - Lies And Ignorance
Posted: March 23, 2011 - 03:13

Columnist:
WeBeNaija

"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool that the open your mouth and remove all doubts" is a very popular maxim; a cliche, perhaps. But, it is a truism, nonetheless. It is, essentially, the type of thinking that would scare the pants off of an incumbent President and his deputy at the mere mention of the word "debate".

So, Dr. Jonathan heeded the age-old cliche, zipped his mouth shut, hid under his presidential bed and refused to come out and take questions from Nigerians, while his opponents humbly subjected themselves as true servants of the people do in a democracy. A smart play, one would say. That was what we thought, too, until we stumbled upon a new book, "My Friends and I", ostensibly written by the President himself.

Sounds like the title of a "book" your kindergartner would write? We thought so, too. But the title of the book, jejune as it may be, is, arguably, the least of our concerns. In "My Friends and I", Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan ignores the entreaties of whoever said "better to keep your mouth shut", the same advise he managed to take by not showing up for debates. GEJ did not just merely open his mouth, he opened it so wide the flies built a mansion in the cavity. In "My Friends and I", Dr. GEJ clearly demonstrated his abject lack of understanding of the most basic concepts of the subject he pretends to command - Facebook. In writing "My Friends and I", President GEJ clearly demonstrated that his occupancy of the position of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria put the nation of Nigeria in grave dangers. The naivety demonstrated by GEJ in "My Friends and I" portends a security risk for the decision making and governance of the country. That GEJ manages to clearly demonstrate all these while telling one or two bald-faced lies in the process is mere icing on the cake, but it is something worth noting because it was an unnecessary made in a stupid attempt to burnish and otherwise pedestrian history of "achievements".
We read "My Friends and I" so that you don't have to subject yourself to the inanity and amateurish attempts by GEJ to wrap himself in "populist" garbs as the "Facebook President".

In a scurrilous attempt to prove that he is personally involved in the administration of his Facebook fan page, Jonathan told us (all Nigerians) in "My Friends and I":
"Many may not understand why I decided to open a facebook account. The President is too busy to have time for facebook, many will say."
Many more would say that, if the President of a country takes it upon himself to personally open and maintain a Facebook page, that president is not only not busy or engaged enough, he is also a tad unserious and (to be charitable) monumentously ill-advised. Jonathan not only dismissed the relevance of his advisors in his mad quest to position himself as the Nigerian Facebook pResident, he also couldn't resist the temptation to grossly exagerate the "results" of his use of social media.

Jonathan made the following claim in his fairytale "book":
"Also, a Finland-based student, Dipo Daramola, and his colleagues made a suggestion to me on the way to fight insecurity and kidnapping using technology. I promptly invited them for consultation. These are indications that interacting with me on the facebook is not a waste of time. Every Nigerian has a stake in the country and has a right to be heard."
Here, Jonathan is clearly trying to convey the misleading impression that he did, indeed, put Facebook to some form of productive use. What he failed to disclose is that the student and the idea he cites here are still waiting ad-infinitum for the promised "invitation for consultation" letter to materialize. The referenced "conversation" took place eons ago, and it was just a chanced interaction that has since then not been revisited, not once since the many, many months that have since elapsed. And our "I'm soooooooo Obama-like" President is already making a book out of the event, an additional feather in his over-sized cap.
Having asserted his personal administration of a Facebook page, President Jonathan went on to claim:
"For one, I would say I was motivated in no little way by President Barack Obama of the United States. His novel use of social media network, especially facebook, starting from during his presidential campaign, has stimulated new thinking on participatory governance across the world."
This is the point at which the accidental President's naivety begins to rear its ugly facade. An otherwise intelligent, informed and hip public figure would have been apprised of the fact that celebrities and public figures do NOT use the social media in the way President Jonathan has been led to believe. Jonathan sees himself as the second coming of Barack Obama. That, in itself, is a very sorry admission, but it is of less importance and consequence as his inability to understand that Barack Obama (the candidate) did NOT operate a Facebook page by himself. No. The referenced Facebook page and other numerous social platforms Obama leverage to much success were operated entirely by operatives to whom he had delegated such mundane tasks. Obama the President uses these mediums periodically to engage Americans, on important occassions and for specific events. He does not "operate" these mediums the way Jonathan would have us believe. We have first-hand knowledge of how the social media were utilized by Obama-the-candidate, having been part of the armies of operatives and volunteers who kept those medium well-oiled during the said period. The intricacies and technicalities of how these things work appear to be lost on our accidental President.

If Jonathan had stopped here, one may be tempted to forgive him rather than accuse him of abject ignorance. But, he didn't. Jonathan went on to boast:
"I am impressed with the growing followership. I understand I am the President with most facebook fans in the world after US President Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy."
Sad. So very sad. Someone is being joe-jobbed here, and we know that it is none other than Jonathan. Whoever has made Jonathan to understand his "popularity" in the way he described is definitely not his well-wisher. Otherwise, he would have been made to understand that neither Obama nor Sarkozy sees Facebook as a governing tool the way Jonathan is describing in his book (more on this below). The hangers-on that have been whispering this "understanding" in Jonathan's ears do not appear to think much of him. Otherwise they would have told him that there are so many reasons no other intelligent head of state pound their chests over the size of their Facebook "fans". They would have told him that real leaders engage their people through things like town hall meetings (where ordinary citizens get to question their leaders without filters), press conferences (where members of a free press get to grill the president without fear or expectation of "transportation money" at the end) and (God forbid) ACTUAL debates.

As if that were not enough, Jonathan proceeded to confess his ignorance of the ways a Social Medium (Facebook in particular) works:
"It is one tool of social media that allows for interaction between the government and the governed. Opinions on issues, policy and governance can be expressed in an unedited, uncensored way by the citizens. The access is unlimited. While you used to wonder if your letter would ever get to the President, such doubts are eliminated through facebook."
If Jonathan knew ANYTHING about Facebook, he would know the following simple contradictions of his ridiculuous statements above:
Facebook is highly censorable. Not just by a government, but by the Facebook page owner or administrator.
A Facebook owner can EDIT his/her page any way and at any time he or she wishes.
Access is indeed "limited". A Facebook admin or owner can RESTRICT posting, can hide postings, delete postings, show only a subset of all the materials on his or her page
You have to wonder if your posting will be accepted at all, much less reach a pResident.
Jonathan's claim above is a manifestation of the ranting of a luddite who knows squat diddly about the technology he/she is describing. Given what Jonathan has stated, it is highly doubtful that he even has the knowledge to navigate Facebook, much less"interact" with anyone on that medium. Jonathan may be a Doctor, but a PhD does not necessarily make you hip to tech. One wonders then why Jonathan feels compelled to not only so totally expose his ignorance, but to also do so in a book.
And, why lie in the process?

In describing his reliance on Facebook as a governing instrument, Jonathan recklessly stated:
"I love facebook also because it allows me to get some information that may normally not get to me, having been "edited" along the. If, for instance, my aides are reluctant to tell me certain policy positions do not have the buy-in of the citizens, I could get first-hand reviews via facebook. This, to my mind, can only strengthen the policy discussion process."
Please read that and weep for Nigeria. Jonathan not only dangerously impugn the integrity of the advice he may be getting from his advisers ("aides", he also just clearly admitted that his deliberations and decisions could be more influenced by the vagaries of suspect "First-Hand" feedback from Facebook. If true, Jonathan is guilty not only of stupidity, but gross negligence for exposing the welfare and security of the country to such an easily manipulable method of governance. If what Jonathan is stating here is true, the President has lost any measure of credibility he may have hitherto been able to command. Why?
In this Web 2.x era, one of the most unreliable medium of interaction and communication is the Social media. How so? Well, social media is all about personas. Across the internet, it is quite easy to obfuscate your persona. Actually, there are businesses making unthinkable amount of money EVERY DAY on the internet, and the only "product" they have is persona creation and manipulation. You need 100,000 different "people" influencing a given topic of interest to you? You want them to support or oppose xyz? You need to see a certain subject "trending" one way or the other across multiple media and social platforms? Oh, you want to see a story "buried"? Or "dug"? How about amplified? You need to see massive numbers of "people" inundate a given target with phone calls to voice a given "talking point"? All you need to do is ask. Oh, and for this much money, we will make it happen, pronto. There are computer programs that do nothing but randomly generate personas and automatically channel them to specific forums or blogs to do whatever a paymaster desires. Bots, anyone? You can live in Lokoja and own thousands of bots in Indonesia. And you tell them what to do and when you want them to do it. Friend someone on Facebook and post something on their page? Well, that would be NGN100 for 500 such postings, thank you very much.

Jonathan would rather listen to these bots (sorry, people) than to his advisers? Imagine a foreign aggressor (or the more benign form of industrial espionage), learning that President Jonathan is susceptible to Facebook influence because he likes the size of his Facebook "peeps"? No, don't imagine. Let Jonathan speak for himself:
"When I decided that we needed to put our football house in order by withdrawing from international competitions, I was impressed with the way Nigerians reacted. Indeed, the football authorities themselves quickly acted to cleanse themselves and I had no hesitation whatsoever in keeping faith with the majority of my facebook fans who believe the suspension should be lifted."
THAT, fellow Nigerians, is your President. Want Jonathan to UnCloth in public, dance on the table top and do triple somersault and a split? All you need to do is fire up your bots and have them bombard his Facebook governing tool and, voila! You got yourself a show. Pathetic doesn't begin to describe the spectacle painted by our President.

What is Jonathan hoping to accomplish with this Facebook infatuation? Let's hear it from the ass' mouth (as you read the following paragraphs, please bear in mind that these are the words of a "leader" who REFUSED to debate issues with his opponents in front of the people he wants to rule. Please remember that Jonathan and Sambo refused to engage Nigerians on the issues and failed to show up for the 2 NNTV24 debates):
"As more and more Nigerians get involved (on his Facebook Fan Page), the community will grow and the impact will be better felt in the democratic process."
"Facebook also offers a platform for the citizens to reason with one another. The multiplicity of opinion, the variety of thoughts and the engaging argumentative nature of the posts are very essential to breeding understanding and building consensus in the democratic process. At the end of the day, it is not about one person knowing is all, but about our readiness to reason together and arrive at reasonable viewpoints. On the one hand, you are contributing to debate. On the other hand, you are learning from others."

"A major problem of democracy today is the absence of a sense of belonging by the citizenry. Many citizens believe they are only of importance to politicians at election times. After that, nobody cares about them any more. With facebook, this gap is being bridged."
The Facebook Jonathan does not appear to have anything in common with the real life Jonathan cowering at the mention of "Debate". Is that because the Facebook Jonathan feels much more secured in the cocoon of his palatial abode, behind the computer screen, playing "peekaboo" with his imaginary "Face Friends"? Facepalm. Jonathan would have us believe that he believes so much in "participatory" democracy, so much so that he engages with his imaginary bots (we mean "fans" on Facebook. But, unfortunately for Nigeria and Nigerians, he is so into Facebook that he has little or not time left to do any actual governing, engage in real debates, provide electricity, roads, medical failities, or any other social welfare for the ACTUAL PEOPLE that he pretends to rule. Will Jonathan be counting on his imaginary "Friends" to also manufacture the required amount of stuffed ballots for him, come April? There just may not be enough of them to save him from the consequences of such imaginary ballots.