pls guys i'm slowly dying.i came home some days back with my husband and there was a message on the answering machine.it was his cousin who stays with his mother in nigeria.the guy said' momi dey sick.im neck don turn 360 degrees and dr say na severe stroke i get.'i laughed.that was the biggest sin i have ever commited in my life.pls dont get me wrong.i did not laugh becos the woman was ill-no.it was the way he said the 360 thing-i just imagined someone's neck turning all the way round,and i chuckled.i did not even laugh so loud.
a few minutes after then my hubby went off to the patio.i went to put my arms around him and the way he threw my hand soff was shocking.he then began to tell me how disgusting i was and how he could not believe he married such a heartless woman like me.i've never felt so hurt in my 27yrs of life.he started making calls to people in nigeria to take his mom to a better hospital.while i was taking my bath,his younger sister who works in tesco returned and he apparently told her what happened and how i laughed.i went to the kitchen to say hello to my in law,but she said' even if my mom and you are not best of friends,you did not have to laugh when you heard she was ill.'
that killed me.i tried to let her know i was not laughing and my mom-in-law.my hubby kept on boning me for 3days after that.i was in bed on the 4th day when i heard my sister in law scream.i jumped out of bed and ran to her room to find my husband there.his phone had dropped to the floor.the cousin called and told of mama's death.a knife tore through me.my husband's eyes were red like blood.he stormed out of the room.i went and knealt by my in law and held her.we cried together.later that morning i went to work-i work in a shop(m&s). before leaving,i did everything i could to console my hubby.i was even a bit late to work.

when i came back,my husband calle dme.i was so happy,i thot he was about to settle things.this man started telling me of how heartless i was,and that eventhough i had a little quarrel with his mom 1yr back i did not have to flaunt my heartlessness by going to work that day. i was shocked.just for the record,the little quarrel he is talking about took place when his mother came to uk and was threatening fire and brimstone if i did not get pregg.when i planned with my man that we will not have kids till we were able to cater for them properly.she was told but she kept saying it was me who refused to get preggy so i can keep sleeping around.there was alot of anger and voices were raised.a neighbour called the cops.she left 3 days later saying i had bewitched her son.i cant laugh at her misfortune even though we were not the best of friends.i have to work.this is uk things are tough here.i tried my best to make her happy when she came,but she went bk telling people i left her and locked her up in the house.please my problem now is my husband that has refused to talk to me.his little sister seems to understand but she no longer gists with me like she used to.i'm at work now and i dread going home to meet the horrible situation in my house.pls i need suggestions.arrangments are being made to go to nigeria and he's not even putting me in the picture.my in law said he told her i'll plan my trip myself if i'm interested in going.i felt so bad.i withdrew 1000pounds from my a/c for him to add to the expenses in nigeria but he turned it down.i hope my marriage is still intact.pls help me on this one.

I will be real and honest with you, i will put myself in the shoes of your husband and tell you how i would have felt.

There are time for everything, time to laff and time to be more than serious, the fact that she was ill and that your husband was saddened by such news shuold have taken every atom of lafter out of the moment, laffing would have made any man reacted that way, and to make matter worse, you and the mother had a past that aint that smooth, so it would be so hard for you to convince the man that you dont mean it the it seems, cos they will all think you were happy and thinking that you have been vindicated.

Now the question of if your marriage is still aiight? i am sure that time heals all wounds, so just be there for the man, keep singing the song of how sorry and how much u love him into his hear and ear, and Pray hard that his heart get soften towards you, but to be honest with you, you are the last person he wanna see at the moment.

Wish you the best and good luck

rhino you are correct.that's why i regret ever being there when he was listening to the message.i dont know what else to do.i've tried but i will continue to try harder.thank you so much for your reply.i really appreciate it.

Just hold on, he is in grief, dont try to settle anything now. Be a good wife, be there for him even when he refuses to talk to you.
Be patient and supportive, he will get over his grief then you can sort yourselves out. Dont beat yourself, the deed has been done, just look towards the future, you need to be seriously patient.
Good Luck

@poster, The time to act is now.Do not make the mistake of allowing hubby to travel with that mindset. When you get home tonight,use what ever whims/style available to win him over. Dont forget,he has lost just not anybody but his mom.That hurts.
And you know what, i think you should follow them down for the burial.He needs it more than the cash you're offering.

nuff said.

@ Shapey,

I must confess if i were Ur husband, i would have done worse than what he is doing presently. To laugh at the sight of his mother's misfortune can only be interpreted to mean the worst form of hatred towards her ( and even him at large).

So, the first thing for you to do at the moment, is to make him understand at every opportunity you have how sorry you are, and how Ur non chalance contributed to the whole mess. Help and support him where necessary in the course of his journey back to Nigeria for the burial cos he needs it dearly even if he doesn't welcome and accept your help. If being around him angers him, try to keep a reasonable distance just to please him and most of all, sort out Ur differences and talk the whole issue out when he comes back. Wish u the best of luck and be more careful next time.

A man's bond with his mother knows no bounds. You were making mockery of his mother's illness & to add to it she dies. I don't know any advice to give u. If u were still dating him, I'm sure that would have been the end of it. My advice-- if truly like u said, that your "laugh" was not to mock her, which he hardly believes. Map out your own strategy in Begging him. If its cry u can cry, if its petting him, show your remorsefulness in the best way u can. But know this u can definately not fake remorsefulness, except u truly mean it. your hubby knows u enough, we nairalanders don't, if he can deduce its a mockery laugh, how much more we. You need to check on yourself. But i doubt if that memory will ever elude him.
If it were your own mother would u have laughed, how would u feel about anybody laughing that your mother's head turned 360degrees

Your hubby is taking it too far. There had been instances even at the mention of a misfortunes, some people breathe out their grief by laughing, besides, your laughing even though uncalled for, should not be taken so seriously as he has done. Something like, "and you think that is funny" should suffice from your husband, and that would gear your consciousness. Methinks, the task of sustaining the pillars of your mariage rests on him, this incidence, to me, is not serious as long as there is love between the two of you, and to me, it is a situation where when one apologises, the other spouse should forgive and forget.
Be troublesome in going home with him by all means, because if this matter is not settle now, it will continue to breed so many other things, just like he thot you should not have gone to office the second day. If need be, call people who can talk to your hubby to talk this thing over with him. I wish you all the best.

jkpretty:

A man's bond with his mother knows no bounds. You were making mockery of his mother's illness & to add to it she dies. I don't know any advice to give u. If u were still dating him, I'm sure that would have been the end of it. My advice-- if truly like u said, that your "laugh" was not to mock her, which he hardly believes. Map out your own strategy in Begging him. If its cry u can cry, if its petting him, show your remorsefulness in the best way u can. But know this u can definately not fake remorsefulness, except u truly mean it. your hubby knows u enough, we nairalanders don't, if he can deduce its a mockery laugh, how much more we. You need to check on yourself. But i doubt if that memory will ever elude him.
If it were your own mother would u have laughed, how would u feel about anybody laughing that your mother's head turned 360degrees

I totally agree with what jkpretty says.

A lot is going on with him right now.
be patient with him, give him time
and he will get over it.

all the best!

@Shapey

What you did was obviously wrong, i cant imagine how you coud release a laughter at such a news, but that is done, the truth is that some men are seriously attached to their mums and from the previous problems you had with her, one can not say what she told her son about you, my suggestion is that you have to make haste now that there is still some sunshine left, you husband is going through an emotional trauma now, please you have to do what ever you can before its too late, beg him, pet him, beg his family, in fact try and get pregnant now and best of all; fast and pray try and save your marriage before its too late, better to nip the bud now.

jkpretty:

A man's bond with his mother knows no bounds. You were making mockery of his mother's illness & to add to it she dies. I don't know any advice to give u. If u were still dating him, I'm sure that would have been the end of it. My advice-- if truly like u said, that your "laugh" was not to mock her, which he hardly believes. Map out your own strategy in Begging him. If its cry u can cry, if its petting him, show your remorsefulness in the best way u can. But know this u can definately not fake remorsefulness, except u truly mean it. your hubby knows u enough, we nairalanders don't, if he can deduce its a mockery laugh, how much more we. You need to check on yourself. But i doubt if that memory will ever elude him.
If it were your own mother would u have laughed, how would u feel about anybody laughing that your mother's head turned 360degrees

very well said. i suggest u insist on coming home 4 d burial with him. even if u have 2 loose ur job 4 dis, go ahead and loose it so u can prove ure truly sorry 4 dis. Thiugh i understand dat ur lafta wasn't 4 anythin bad, But d truth is u really sent a wrong signal. I believe u can still work it out, so a woman's gotta do wat a woman gotta do! u really have 2 hurry, cheers!

What your husband did was only natural and to make matters worse,his mother died (thats bad enuff)
He knows you are sorry and meant no harm but the anger is there already,its his time to grief so allow him. Make sure you sincerely tell him how sorry you are.Dont worry things will get better .Make sure you travel with him.Most importantly ALWAYS PRAY TO GOD to give you WISDOM

thank you all so much.the thing is he would not even talk to me.like yesterday,he walked in ,i came up to him for the usual hug,but the way he nudged me aside was terrible.even in his sister's presence.just got home and his sister told me he ordered chinese.but there is dinner in the kitchen for goodness sake.why is this guy treating me this way.he's got a BA ticket to nigeria only for himself.he has not even told me anything about it.it was his sister who mentioned it to me.i went to him on my kness this morning.when he felt my cries and pleas were disturbing him,he stood up and left the room.my boss has been asking me what the problem is becos he has noticed am not my usual bubbly self.i keep trying to evade the question.how do i wash my dirty linen in public?i was even pretending to be dying of cough last night just to know if he will come to the bathroom to know what the problem was.he did not.is my mistake so grave that it cannot be forgiven?i'm truly sorry and i have told a good friend of his to come and intervene.the guy promised to drop by on his way from work.i just hope he does cos it's quite cold out there.
i'm at my wits end.dont know what else to do.

1. To laugh when a man's mom is ill is a grave mistake and i hope you have duly learnt your lesson.

2. Your husband is taking things 10000x too far. Yes you laughed but you have since appologised and done everything to show him that you care very much for his family so why is he being intransigent?
Where was he when his mother was making all that ruckus the last time she came? Why is his sister now closer to him than you?

Make your own plans to go for the burial if he wont take you along . . . another bad mistake to make would be to NOT attend that burial.

Please make sure you attend the burial, at least do all u have to do to make up for going to the office the following day she died, so do all you have to do to attend.
Please do not let the advice of those saying he is over-acting gets into your head, the man has so much right to be hurting and be so mad at you, however, dont give up, i so much blv that he will see reason to turn to you soon as the shuolder for him to cry on.
Once again good luck

But i dont think she meant to laugh.
There are times that there are funny words that are spoken out of people's sadness.

Girl, i feel for u its just unfortunate that it happened when he was there.
But why is he taking this like this?Have u spoken ill of the mother in his presence, have u openly insulted his mother?

Girl just like its being said if u can make it to Nija, do it.
Take family members along, do the thing the wifey is supposed to do. Make sure that he sees u are real sorry, make sure he sees that u really didnt mean what u did.
Get some elders to apologise to him on ur behalf - he is grieving now, he needs someone to blame for this like we all do when we are hurting.

Go to Nija even if u go separately, go to their family home and do what the 'iyawo' is supposed to do.

Keep apologizing and be on ur best behavior so that he sees that u are truly are the good person that he married.

Good luck girl.

pls write him a letter - put your thoughts and explanations in writing. pin it to the fridge so your sister-in-law can see

twinstaiye:

Your hubby is taking it too far. There had been instances even at the mention of a misfortunes, some people breathe out their grief by laughing, besides, your laughing even though uncalled for, should not be taken so seriously as he has done. Something like, "and you think that is funny" should suffice from your husband, and that would gear your consciousness. Methinks, the task of sustaining the pillars of your marriage rests on him, this incidence, to me, is not serious as long as there is love between the two of you, and to me, it is a situation where when one apologises, the other spouse should forgive and forget.
Be troublesome in going home with him by all means, because if this matter is not settle now, it will continue to breed so many other things, just like he thot you should not have gone to office the second day. If need be, call people who can talk to your hubby to talk this thing over with him. I wish you all the best.

I agree. Some people laugh at morbid things out of nervousness, you laughed at your husband's cousin's exaggerations of the situation. I can see how he could be offended but he's being a little child now by holding malice about this since.

Very soon he'll make you cut your hair to prove yourself.

There are many issues on his mind now but your husband is the definition of a iron heart.  Since he is bent on not forgiving you, you too don't relent in disturbing him with your tears and presence.

_{pickin wey no want him mama sleep, i no go sleep too}

davidylan:


2. Where was he when his mother was making all that ruckus the last time she came? Why is his sister now closer to him than you?

Make your own plans to go for the burial if he wont take you along . . . another bad mistake to make would be to NOT attend that burial.

Obviously no where to be found as usual. Nonsense. But I do agree she should get her own ticket for the funeral before they say she's behind everything.

If you husband wants to keep acting like a child, let him continue. Go to the funeral, pay your respects and leave him be. Let him cool down on his own. You've obviously tried to make it up to him, does he want your head on a platter? Make I hear word jo.

D-reloaded:

Obviously no where to be found as usual. Nonsense. But I do agree she should get her own ticket for the funeral before they say she's behind everything.

If you husband wants to keep acting like a child, let him continue. Go to the funeral, pay your respects and leave him be. Let him cool down on his own. You've obviously tried to make it up to him, does he want your head on a platter? Make I hear word jo.

Jyork, i understand what you are saying but the thing is that she wants this relationship to work, she has to seriously swallow her pride and beg like there is no tomorrow.
She still wants him and she loves him, she has to beg seriously (u know men are big babies).
I have seen homes end for excuses less than that.

adeboo:

Jyork, i understand what you are saying but the thing is that she wants this relationship to work, she has to seriously swallow her pride and beg like there is no tomorrow.
She still wants him and she loves him, she has to beg seriously (u know men are big babies).
I have seen homes end for excuses less than that.

What pride does she have left? He has ridiculed her before his "little" sister (who i presume is younger than she is), forced her to lie at work and go seeking help from friends who ordinarily would never have seen her in times of distress . . .
She has probably cried and begged and been shunned in front of his family members . . . what pride is left to swallow?

For this reason and many i am grateful i was born a male. Is this how women beg their husbands for every little thing? I'm looking forward to getting married and being a big baby too.

adeboo,

I've read all that she has written, seems like she's been begging from the first minute she laughed. What else is she supposed to do? The didirin even pushed her aside when she wanted to greet him as he came to the house. What else should she tolerate in the name of appeasing someone?

People say that she should get others to beg on her behalf, meaning she would have to tell these family members that she laughed at the message? Who wants to hear that? If anything they will probably join him and make things worse. I personally dont believe in letting family members in couple arguements, neither do my families. They hardly ever end well.

davidylan:

What pride does she have left? He has ridiculed her before his "little" sister (who i presume is younger than she is), forced her to lie at work and go seeking help from friends who ordinarily would never have seen her in times of distress . . .
She has probably cried and begged and been shunned in front of his family members . . . what pride is left to swallow?

For this reason and many i am grateful i was born a male. Is this how women beg their husbands for every little thing? I'm looking forward to getting married and being a big baby too.

She still has the pride of having him at home even thiugh he aint talking to her - he could have moved out.
Abeg Poster, beg like there is no tomorrow o.
You and only u know how good this man is to u o.

davidylan:

What pride does she have left? He has ridiculed her before his "little" sister (who i presume is younger than she is), forced her to lie at work and go seeking help from friends who ordinarily would never have seen her in times of distress . . .
She has probably cried and begged and been shunned in front of his family members . . . what pride is left to swallow?

For this reason and many i am grateful i was born a male. Is this how women beg their husbands for every little thing? I'm looking forward to getting married and being a big baby too.

Lol idiot. Find a Lagos woman that will beg you. You will look and never find  

You are so right about him treating her like that in front of his family. I swear people can be quite dumb. You'll see, she will soon come back after this crap is over to make another thread of how his younger sister doesnt respect her anymore and all sorts of nonsense.

adeboo:

She still has the pride of having him at home even thiugh he aint talking to her - he could have moved out.
Abeg Poster, beg like there is no tomorrow o.
You and only u know how good this man is to u o.

Your point is well noted but wait . . . even if he accepts will there now be rules for when she can and cannot laugh in the house? If a woman isnt free within the 4 walls of her husbands house to make mistakes then where will she be free to do so?

The problem i see is a long term one. She is only 27, has no kids for this man and she has to beg for weeks and get family and friends to calm her husband for something so trivial? What happens when they both reach 45 and she mistakenly puts too much salt in the rice? Will he take a koboko to her?

D-reloaded:

adeboo,

I've read all that she has written, seems like she's been begging from the first minute she laughed. What else is she supposed to do? The didirin even pushed her aside when she wanted to greet him as he came to the house. What else should she tolerate in the name of appeasing someone?

People say that she should get others to beg on her behalf, meaning she would have to tell these family members that she laughed at the message? Who wants to hear that? If anything they will probably join him and make things worse. I personally don't believe in letting family members in couple arguements, neither do my families. They hardly ever end well.

Girl i understand what u said - sorry for getting ur name the first time round.
But like i said, men are very difficult. There are silly things they accuse u of just for the sake of peace in ur home - u have to apologise.

She has to keep apologising for the sake of peace nd to keep her man in the home - cause she knows he is a good man and if she lets him go for something so petty then thats just wrong.
Its good that she has admitted her wrong then she knows where to go after this.

They have said if u wanna get somethig from a monkey then u have to become one (i think thats how it goes but u all get the gist)

adeboo:

She still has the pride of having him at home even thiugh he aint talking to her - he could have moved out.

If a guy can move out over something like that, then he never loved her in the first place and the marriage was a sham.

@poster
what u did was very very wrong i will advice u that u do every thing possible to please him b4 he step his land into nigeria.
because if em table d matter 4 9ja here, am sorry 2 say is d end

D-reloaded:

Lol idiot. Find a Lagos woman that will beg you. You will look and never find  

After now you will come crying and begging.  

davidylan:

Your point is well noted but wait . . . even if he accepts will there now be rules for when she can and cannot laugh in the house? If a woman isnt free within the 4 walls of her husbands house to make mistakes then where will she be free to do so?

The problem i see is a long term one. She is only 27, has no kids for this man and she has to beg for weeks and get family and friends to calm her husband for something so trivial? What happens when they both reach 45 and she mistakenly puts too much salt in the rice? Will he take a koboko to her?

No thats not it. He couldnt expect her not to laugh when he isnt a sadist.
Look why are u talking like this? Some Nija men well dont let me say what they are - they come up with the most ridiculous things they just are bog babies like i have said.
If she leaves him for something that can be solved in ma opinion - she is gonna keep going from one man's home ti another to another.