chaircover:

I can answer that question

From what I have experienced, people react to situations differently and even though for example, they are all suffering from the same domestic abuse, the detail of the abuse and the persons "makeup" will be different so each situation has to handled differently.

So while some will need a swift kick up the backside, some will need to have their hand held to get through things.

Many of these situations are caused by a faulty upbringing and mindset. I have seen scores of women who knowingly just pick and marry the last man that toasts them because they are over 30 even though they know the man has 1001 flaws. Just this weekend a younger friend of mine reported to me that she came home unexpectedly and met another girl in her fiances house. I was still ranting but in less than 12 hours later they have settled and they are "back in love again" this isnt the first time that he has cheated on her so if they do marry it is almost certain that he will do it over and over again.

Thank you. I remember you once said your husband told someone off for calling his daughter "fat". Imagine a man that looks at his daughter everyday and calls her a princess being called a liar by one crocodile infested backside? a little girl for that matter. If he hadn't done that now, by the time you take her out, she will start asking for mary-amaka clothes cos she wants to cover up her body. Upbringing matters and when your husband found out that someone was going on opposite side from his own method of raising a child, he went to draw that person figuratively by the ears and told them to stop. Tell me if that girl's self esteem wouldn't have shot up the roof after hearing that.

This was the problem my sister experienced. How can my parents effort to be in vain? after telling their kids they are beautiful and handsome and one mentally disturbed ;lunatic wanted to tell her how to live her life. Good riddance.

CC. I have come in contact with women who have suffered abuse and when I hear the excuses they give, I honestly feel like slapping them across the face. How can a man beat his partner up and not only that smashed her phone and angrily hit her head on the wall, only for this silly girl to turn around and say "You know what, he helped me mow my lawn, he cooked me breakfast, he was really apologetic, you should have seen his face J, he was so remorseful and honestly, he can be very good some days. Just a few weeks ago he organized a romantic getaway to Queensland and he spoilt me silly, we walked through QUEEN STREET MALL. etc

Damnation, arrrrgggggggggg

debrief08:
Lol, I hit his groin, bad mistake, that was the day I started getting tied and flogged no longer beating.
Anyway, I am glad we never got to the point of hiring people to beat him, I wouldnt let a monster (sorry to use that word) turn me into a monster too, My Dad spoke with him once it only made him angrier. I am not one to join in wrong doing simply because someone else does it to me too.
I have several Cousins in the Military who were begging for my approval to shake him small, but my family no dey do that kain thing, yes we may be a little too passive but aggression and violence is not for us

No wonder the man had the guts to continue flogging. Let me tell you that the kind of family where I come from, no one will even ask for permission to discipline a stray dog. Except they did not hear anything, once it gets into their ears, that man is done for. I will furk any man up that God forbid wants to furk with my daughters. They will never see and meet such men ni oruko jesu, Amin

funny responses all through
keep it up ladies, fill your boots!

@Jenny, Your post is the reason why I said that what I fear most is what will happen after a man hit me, if any man ever does.
I know my brother and cousins, hmmm e no easy sha.

freecocoa: @Jenny, Your post is the reason why I said that what I fear most is what will happen after a man hit me, if any man ever does.
I know my brother and cousins, hmmm e no easy sha.

I know I have been accused of not telling you the truth or told you what to do with your bf even though my my answer is right there in my post . If you read that post of mine very well without letting your emotions get in the way, you will be able to make a decision that will benefit you. There is a reason why I asked you to use your head and not your heart.

jennykadry:


I know I have been accused of not telling you the truth or told you what to do with your bf . If you read that post of mine very well without letting your emotions get in the way, you will be able to make a decision that will benefit you. There is a reason why I asked you to use your head and not your heart.

I clearly understand you my sister, I'll do my best to ensure I make the right decision.

baby_123:

For me, this is the woman's decision. Only her can decide to leave. You can only be there good or bad. You cannot try to make her reason or see reasons for leaving. Should she make the decision and regret, you will be to blame. Everyone has their light bulb moment, when you just know it is time to run. The sad thing is a lot of people don't make it out alive. If you are okay with being there and listening to the stories day in day out, then that is all you can do. . Don't impose your opinion on another person's marriage. If she is rational she would know its all wrong. If she's not, she will stay right where she is and you will get tired at some point.

For strength: you can tell her everytime about her positives. She's beautiful, an inspiration, a good mother, hard working ... Etc. All the things that they may have said she wasn't. You can remind her of childhood days when you all were happy and free. And how happy she was. That you hope she gets to that place again. If she feels trapped she needs to empower herself.You can help her with this. Always make sure to ask her what she NEEDS right now or at this step. That she should think and you will be with her come what may. She also needs to consider dealing with a therapist to get through the issues. Because abuse is not a small matter. She may be dealing with a whole lot more like depression etc...

This is what I do for my friends in this situation.

Can I ask a question? is anything wrong with not telling people what they want to hear?You see the way I do my thing is, tell people what "I think" they need to hear and not what they want to hear. Many women have come on here asking for ways to tolerate their husbands infidelity and abuses. I am not going to impose my opinion on them , but I am not going to tell them its okay to tolerate such things from men. I am not going to give a woman whose husband slept with everyone at his work place a solution on how to make her husband remain faithful to her cos he really may never be faithful to her.

Imagine if Titi or Ogo had come on NLD seeking for ways to make their marriages work for them to start living in peace with their partners, imagine how guilty I would feel for the rest of my life knowing that I helped send them to their graves? imagine if I had told them what THEY WANTED TO HEAR?

Busy_body:


I was around when you posted your story, I even still have bits of it that you haven't mentioned on this thread floating somewhere in my head. You know this CABAL thing is meaningless and it was something Richvkunt started to scatter this section. How many times have you seen Chaircover advocate divorce? NOT ONCE, so if she was appointed by Richvkunt as the head of the so called pro-divorce Cabal group who alledgedly only preaches divorce, doesn't this tell you that Richvkunt is just pulling people's legs to catch fun, expensive fun at that.

Asides from his puerile rant as an anti-cabalite, Guitarlife was asking those questions which you politely and respectfully answered to see if he could find out why you went through such, and when he couldn't decode the reason, he threw in the towel saying your ex is demon possessed. And I saw your post where you rightly told him off. Then he responded, and some wires got crossed leading to you thinking he called you slow, I am not 100% sure here but their was a lot of speculative hypothesis from him, which you thought he was saying to put you down, and he came back to reply that you had "read" him wrongly.


With regards to the "signs" in your relationship, your ex's Dad from your account was a feckless philanderer, a womaniser, etc, which is not obviously a good role model for anyone let alone a child. As children, our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally and protect us, but your ex's Dad wasn't a permanent fixture in his life, he had a very traumatic childhood, watching not only his Dad mess up his own life but also put his Mum through hell for 40 years. They might have been rich, they might have provided for him materially, but there was no emotional and psychological support from anyone. As a child expecting unconditional love from his parent, and not getting it, he would have undergone a vast range of rollercoaster of emotion ranging from feeling abandoned, discarded, bereft, lonely, marginalised, disorientated, etc. And although Mum too would have tried with the little she could, the role of Dad is irreplaceable. But one cannot imagine the searingly painful awful feeling of betrayal he must have felt towards his Dad. With this kind of fraught and messy childhood, there would have been a time his self-esteem hit rock bottom too several times.


And then he met you, an angel sent from above, he felt secure and safe with you, and found you trustworthy enough to confide his vulnerabilities and past to you. You never judged him, accepted him and got your Dad to take him on as his son. And he vowed to you never to turn out like his Dad. Although he would still have been nursing a reconcilliation with his own Dad where everything would be fine and Dad would be a good Dad again.


You got married, settled down into a routine, and then the babies that are naturally supposed to start popping out are nowhere to be found. Now your Hubby could have picked up one of his Dad's vices, but he didn't, instead hoping that when he gets married he will be the best Dad to his kid and never let them face what his own Dad put him through. So imagine these babies that he had such grand dreams for not coming, imagine the whirlwind of emotion he would have had to endure all over again, imagine the thoughts that if my Father a wicked man can have kids yet I love kids and can't have mine, imagine the renewed profound sense of loss and bewilderment. . .and then he unfairly and cruelly turns on you . . .


Now in the midst of this, his Daddy reaches out to him because he is now rich, but as far as your ex is concerned, this is a chance for him to burn bridges with his Dad and reconcile, no matter the cost, to fill the void in his heart. He starts hanging out with Dad to feel like one of the boys again, cos at least this way his manhood can't be questioned. And when you started kicking a fuss, he probably tells you to leave him alone as you have nothing to offer him as a barren. In trying to suck up to his Dad to let Daddy see that he has arrived, he tells Daddy you are bugging him, and Daddy naturally tells him to "man up" and not let debrief walk all over you. You turn to your friends, families and parents, but you are told to endure that weeping may come for a night blah, blah, blah, in the end, your Dad came to rescue his little baby girl when he couldn't bear it anymore. . .


And because God knows His own, He was there and saw all the tears that you shed. . . He granted you the man of your dreams, God sent you your own angel - your Husband. God gave you a man who refused to take no for an answer and saw you as the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and pursued you relentlessly. You must have told him during dating that you couldn't get pregnant yet this did not put him off and he still loved you to take the risk with you, and miraculously you had no problem getting pregnant for rightaway.


Your case was heavily influenced by the parents. And the advent of his unstable Dad into his life again distabilised your family. Your staunch Christian Mum who still doesn't talk to you because you got divorced and remarried, too didn't help matter. Then you had all those extended members of your family who told you to stay and bear it. Left to you, you would have walked, but the decision was out of your hands due to the judgemental Nigerian Society you live in. But thank God again, for your Daddy, for your ex's Mum. She has been through the same path you have been and walked the walk too, hence became your kindred spirit.


So it wasn't you, you are not to blame for anything, it was your ex, and he was the victim of his upbringing which had had too much hold on him. And it can't be easy for him too. You are indeed a rare gem for reaching out to him and not pushing him away when he needed you the most. But most importantly, cherish your Husband cos he is a very very very good person too, how many man can do what he has done/is doing? Please take very good care of your Husband, your crown jewel and I wish you eternal marital bliss.

Please why couldn't the others infer this?Was it easier to keep asking consistently what debrief did on her part to cause the abuse?!
Please Uncle Seru come and post your take.I would love to hear it as would others as well.

Jenny how are you sure Titi didn't come here and was told it is her fault, adviced to "keep him occupied", told "his ego is bruised from being jobless, he is a baby and needs her attention", some may. Have even adviced she spend more time with him, forget she was working to care for them both.
A few who told her that it wasn't advisable behavior would have been run down and insulted, called home breakers, however at the end of the day Titi made her own decision.
You are right telling people the truth, as someone who was abused people expect me to "understand" and throw pity parties but believe me I don't do that, I tell them the truth, while assuring them that abuse is not their fault, I smack them to reality and tell them feeling sorry won't help, they have to be ready to take charge of their own lives by themselves.
Same people who curse Titis husband on one thread will be on another telling a battered spouse to endure and search inward.
I have said it and will keep saying, I will only give the advice that benefitted me and not the one that led me further into pain and despair. Just to think it was just a little over 3 years yet seemed like forever

Ihedinobi - ur avoiding me eh ok o!! me and debrief are still coming to the parry

anyway ladies (i know i will be mocked for this) but I have to say this - it was not easy, for the first 18 months of my daughters life I lived with guilt - even after getting engaged I thought I have denied this girl what I had - a father. It got to the point that I fell into a deep depression this year cos I didn't deal with it last year and you know how it is our people don't really talk about feelings so I had to be strong for everyone pretend I was ok, i had survived and now engaged so why would I be unhappy.

Do you know that when I told my fiance that I needed therapy he agreed and said if that is what I need to get over it then he is fine with it, I saw the person for a number of sessions and she made me say many things out loud but the one thing she kept saying is

why do you feel guilty for allowing your daughter to grow up around love and not abuse - there are fathers and there are fathers - a man who got u pregnant and beat you up and showed no interest in the fetus does not equate a loving father. anyway to cut a long story short cos my lunch break is almost over and I need to start my online christmas shopping (we thank God for my job). through the sessions i was able to build up my confidence again, i'm now ok when my ex sends his crazy texts and just ignore him.

airpure - u know what there are many things i would have done different but what i know the first couple of years of marriage a couple is still trying to find their feet and there will be disagreements, my and my fiance has little disagreements but never to the point where he is telling me i am useless and stupid. I have great respect for him and what alot of men don't understand is that when you show a woman love she will submitt to the point of mumuism

anyway i have said too much

Cotton, my sister...I just feel like weeping for you. All that pain in the name of love

(see how your story wan turn me into one emotional wreck here...) But I'm glad you've taken these positive steps in the right direction.

But, I need to ask you this: Your ex wasn't interested in you or his daughter, so why in heaven's name does he still send you those nasty text messages?

Has it got anything to do with you coming over to the UK and he feels "stuck" in Nigeria? (Jealousy, perhaps??)

Or he just can't let go? But if that's the case, letting go of what you never wanted shouldn't be a problem, should it?

What does he really want of / from you??

Efemena_xy: Cotton, my sister...I just feel like weeping for you. All that pain in the name of love

(see how your story wan turn me into one emotional wreck here...) But I'm glad you've taken these positive steps in the right direction.

But, I need to ask you this: Your ex wasn't interested in you or his daughter, so why in heaven's name does he still send you those nasty text messages?

Has it got anything to do with you coming over to the UK and he feels "stuck" in Nigeria?

Or he just can't let go? But if that's the case, letting go of what you never wanted shouldn't be a problem, should it?

What does he really want of / from you??

You have a lot to learn about the Nigerian mentality, Nigerians hate it when you walk away as you have read on this thread. They will prefer you endure till they decide they have been hard enough, walking away is not part of the plan, if anyone should walk away it should be them throwing your bags out nollywood style and you going round begging family and friends to appeal to them to have mercy. After that remain poor and miserable, waiting and praying for the day he/ she comes back to their senses, God forbid that you walk away and move on, It is so not Nigerian

Sweet Jesus!

I'm Nigerian, my husband is Nigerian, our friends and family are too! But I've never met such persons.

Lord have mercy...and you'd think such horrors only happen in cheap Nollywood movies.

Debrief my sister you hit the nail on the head – the worse thing is before I left I travelled at least 3 times to talk/beg his family to talk to him – they told me not to tell my people – story!!! I told my people who left the decision to me – in fact when I was at the airport as a ‘GOOD’ wife I called my mother in law she was shouting that if its too much I should come and stay with her in the village that what nonsense is this, that why am I being stubborn – he will come to his senses blah blah blah, his brother opened his mouth and said that maybe I am very proud cos I had a good job, dual nationality, my own place (forgetting I gave it all up and a very good job with a multinational firm in Lagos to ‘keep the peace’ for his irresponsible brother o!)
My dear after having the baby I was told by him he had moved on and had a girlfriend (the girlfriend today is posing with another man on twitter as of end of last year) that I was worthless, that he was the best thing that happened to me and I blew my chance to have any man – no man will want me, blah blah blah – that is his national anthem
I would have thought by now his wedding would be profiled on bella naija – after all he believes that he is the best thing since sliced bread – me I am shocked. He doesn’t know I am engaged and I got a new year text in January ‘when I am ready to forgive u, maybe I will take u back as u know age is not on ur side and I just need time to sort my self out – then we can talk but I can’t take ur talk talk, u have to know that a woman will always be under a man and I hope this experience has changed you’

Efemena_xy:

But, I need to ask you this: Your ex wasn't interested in you or his daughter, so why in heaven's name does he still send you those nasty text messages?

Efe, clearly you are not balanced in this matter. You want to know why he continues to abuse her? Why, it must simply be that she is doing something wrong!! What she needs to tell us is exactly what she is doing wrong so that other women will not do the same. Please get with the program o, because by now, you should realize that you are not helping other women in her situation by not delving into all the bad and naughty things Cotton must be doing to warrant the continued abuse. To try to label him as a mad man is missing the point you see.

In short, 21 e-flogging strokes for you...One for each page of this thread through which you have still failed to learn this valuable and relevant lesson!!

@ Cotton: OH...MY...GOD!!!

Tell him you're engaged so this stops here and NOW!

Let your fiancee know what's going on too. Girl, why haven't you changed your phone number(s)

Aunty Cotton please permit me to say, that your ex is a psycho on a whole new level, like wtf could be wrong with him? Hian o.

Efemena_xy: Sweet Jesus!

I'm Nigerian, my husband is Nigerian, our friends and family are too! But I've never met such persons.

Lord have mercy...and you'd think such horrors only happen in cheap Nollywood movies.

Stay na, where do nollywood get their material from? Like Johndoe will say Internet Nigerians are me and you, that is the reality out there. Why do you think Guiterlife is going on and on, and that guy Timijo, and others who come and cry Endurance and prayer and fasting? Why do you think I come here and talk? It is because no one else does, why do you think some people insist I shut up? It is because what I am saying is not what they want to hear, a man is a baby, a man needs his ego constantly massaged, pray, endure, fast, dress well, cook and clean, be a super woman, only to satisfy with no emotions. Thats a Nigerian woman, saying otherwise makes you a home wrecker.
As for text messages, na vex.

@ Ileobatojo, you nearly got me there o! Yes, Guitar whatever and his croonies come to mind, and their latest female recruit Airpure.

@ Debrief, I'm at a total loss for words. I just don't know what to say

cotton101: Debrief my sister you hit the nail on the head – the worse thing is before I left I travelled at least 3 times to talk/beg his family to talk to him – they told me not to tell my people – story!!! I told my people who left the decision to me – in fact when I was at the airport as a ‘GOOD’ wife I called my mother in law she was shouting that if its too much I should come and stay with her in the village that what nonsense is this, that why am I being stubborn – he will come to his senses blah blah blah, his brother opened his mouth and said that maybe I am very proud cos I had a good job, dual nationality, my own place (forgetting I gave it all up and a very good job with a multinational firm in Lagos to ‘keep the peace’ for his irresponsible brother o!)
My dear after having the baby I was told by him he had moved on and had a girlfriend (the girlfriend today is posing with another man on twitter as of end of last year) that I was worthless, that he was the best thing that happened to me and I blew my chance to have any man – no man will want me, blah blah blah – that is his national anthem
I would have thought by now his wedding would be profiled on bella naija – after all he believes that he is the best thing since sliced bread – me I am shocked. He doesn’t know I am engaged and I got a new year text in January ‘when I am ready to forgive u, maybe I will take u back as u know age is not on ur side and I just need time to sort my self out – then we can talk but I can’t take ur talk talk, u have to know that a woman will always be under a man and I hope this experience has changed you’

Lol @ go and stay in the village with his mom. Na so na, When I recovered from my wounds, My papa no even let me stay for my family house because he knew they will influence and break my resolve, he loaned me money to look for a place, sharp sharp I got my thinking space, best decision ever.

Efemena_xy: @ Ileobatojo, you nearly got me there o! Yes, Guitar whatever and his croonies come to mind, and their latest female recruit Airpure.

@ Debrief, I'm at a total loss for words. I just don't know what to say

Internet Nigerian like you , You don know whats up jare

My sister, I'm fast learning o!

The keyword here abi in the world of John Doe & co. is wickedness.

I still want to know why cotton hasn't done the things I mentioned, ie changing her number & mentioning all of this to her fiancee.

What her ex is doing right now is stalking her. She needs to cut him off abeg. Sever all contacts!

Efemena_xy: @ Ileobatojo, you nearly got me there o! Yes, Guitar whatever and his croonies come to mind, and their latest female recruit Airpure.

I wonder how many other psychotic people's point of view they try to see things from. I'm sure they also see things through a r.apist point of view, a p.edophile's point of view, a serial killer's point of view. Afterall there must be balance. You see, you can't talk about a r.apist without talking about the victim wearing a miniskirt and so on and so forth...

Efemena_xy:

I still want to know why cotton hasn't done the things I mentioned, ie changing her number & mentioning all of this to her fiancee.

What her ex is doing right now is stalking her. She needs to cut him off abeg. Sever all contacts!

I totally agree with this and would recommend it strongly. In the guy's deluded mind he is still maintaining ownership of her. Only God knows where that can lead if their paths were to cross again. I recommend severing all contact too at least until he comes to his senses if he eventually does. And really any further contact with him should be solely for the purpose of limited involvement in his daughter's life if so desired by all parties. But in his current state of mind, he should be completely cut off.

@cotton 101 why haven't you changed your phone lines,fb account,twitter etc

andromida: @cotton 101 why haven't you changed your phone lines,fb account,twitter etc

....And you had to take the words out of my mouth?

I've been silently following this thread and was contemplating commenting or not but my husband explained that if my post can save just one person, then I'd have done a lot.
I was in my 3rd year, 2nd semester when I met this guy through a mutual friend and we started dating. @1st it was all rosy and magical but I noticed he started getting jealous of my friends, time spent with my family instead of with him, infact too many things for me to remember.
My family couldn't stand him, we are a really close knit family so I didn't understand why they didn't like him, so to compensate, I loved him even more but of course, that wasn't enough for him.
A typical conversation would go thus
Me:honey guess what? Omo and I are going to see a movie this weekend.
Him:you girls are just a bunch of sluts! Don't you have tvs @home? I'm sure you want to sNeak out to see another guy, it won't work, infact you have to be @my place by 7am on sat.
Like someone under a spell I'd be @his place all through saturday and sunday.
It got so bad I didn't have friends anymore, I was constantly @loggerheads with my family. He even had people spying on me in school! One time I'd told him I was fasting because of a program in my school church, to my shock he called and said 'liar, you claim to be fasting, yet you are frying meat!' I was amazed cos I was trully frying meat. I had to explain that I was cooking with some members of the church for the program.
Please, don't get me wrong, I wasn't naïve or foolish but with him I lost all confidence and self esteem. I used to feel so pretty and sure of myself but he killed all that.
When my dad died he refused to come for the burial because according to him my dad didn't like him!
My story is really long and painful, I'm just glad I got out. There's so much more to tell but I'm typing with my phone.

Busy_body:


I was around when you posted your story, I even still have bits of it that you haven't mentioned on this thread floating somewhere in my head. You know this CABAL thing is meaningless and it was something Richvkunt started to scatter this section. How many times have you seen Chaircover advocate divorce? NOT ONCE, so if she was appointed by Richvkunt as the head of the so called pro-divorce Cabal group who alledgedly only preaches divorce, doesn't this tell you that Richvkunt is just pulling people's legs to catch fun, expensive fun at that.

Asides from his puerile rant as an anti-cabalite, Guitarlife was asking those questions which you politely and respectfully answered to see if he could find out why you went through such, and when he couldn't decode the reason, he threw in the towel saying your ex is demon possessed. And I saw your post where you rightly told him off. Then he responded, and some wires got crossed leading to you thinking he called you slow, I am not 100% sure here but their was a lot of speculative hypothesis from him, which you thought he was saying to put you down, and he came back to reply that you had "read" him wrongly.


With regards to the "signs" in your relationship, your ex's Dad from your account was a feckless philanderer, a womaniser, etc, which is not obviously a good role model for anyone let alone a child. As children, our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally and protect us, but your ex's Dad wasn't a permanent fixture in his life, he had a very traumatic childhood, watching not only his Dad mess up his own life but also put his Mum through hell for 40 years. They might have been rich, they might have provided for him materially, but there was no emotional and psychological support from anyone. As a child expecting unconditional love from his parent, and not getting it, he would have undergone a vast range of rollercoaster of emotion ranging from feeling abandoned, discarded, bereft, lonely, marginalised, disorientated, etc. And although Mum too would have tried with the little she could, the role of Dad is irreplaceable. But one cannot imagine the searingly painful awful feeling of betrayal he must have felt towards his Dad. With this kind of fraught and messy childhood, there would have been a time his self-esteem hit rock bottom too several times.


And then he met you, an angel sent from above, he felt secure and safe with you, and found you trustworthy enough to confide his vulnerabilities and past to you. You never judged him, accepted him and got your Dad to take him on as his son. And he vowed to you never to turn out like his Dad. Although he would still have been nursing a reconcilliation with his own Dad where everything would be fine and Dad would be a good Dad again.


You got married, settled down into a routine, and then the babies that are naturally supposed to start popping out are nowhere to be found. Now your Hubby could have picked up one of his Dad's vices, but he didn't, instead hoping that when he gets married he will be the best Dad to his kid and never let them face what his own Dad put him through. So imagine these babies that he had such grand dreams for not coming, imagine the whirlwind of emotion he would have had to endure all over again, imagine the thoughts that if my Father a wicked man can have kids yet I love kids and can't have mine, imagine the renewed profound sense of loss and bewilderment. . .and then he unfairly and cruelly turns on you . . .


Now in the midst of this, his Daddy reaches out to him because he is now rich, but as far as your ex is concerned, this is a chance for him to burn bridges with his Dad and reconcile, no matter the cost, to fill the void in his heart. He starts hanging out with Dad to feel like one of the boys again, cos at least this way his manhood can't be questioned. And when you started kicking a fuss, he probably tells you to leave him alone as you have nothing to offer him as a barren. In trying to suck up to his Dad to let Daddy see that he has arrived, he tells Daddy you are bugging him, and Daddy naturally tells him to "man up" and not let debrief walk all over you. You turn to your friends, families and parents, but you are told to endure that weeping may come for a night blah, blah, blah, in the end, your Dad came to rescue his little baby girl when he couldn't bear it anymore. . .


And because God knows His own, He was there and saw all the tears that you shed. . . He granted you the man of your dreams, God sent you your own angel - your Husband. God gave you a man who refused to take no for an answer and saw you as the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and pursued you relentlessly. You must have told him during dating that you couldn't get pregnant yet this did not put him off and he still loved you to take the risk with you, and miraculously you had no problem getting pregnant for rightaway.


Your case was heavily influenced by the parents. And the advent of his unstable Dad into his life again distabilised your family. Your staunch Christian Mum who still doesn't talk to you because you got divorced and remarried, too didn't help matter. Then you had all those extended members of your family who told you to stay and bear it. Left to you, you would have walked, but the decision was out of your hands due to the judgemental Nigerian Society you live in. But thank God again, for your Daddy, for your ex's Mum. She has been through the same path you have been and walked the walk too, hence became your kindred spirit.


So it wasn't you, you are not to blame for anything, it was your ex, and he was the victim of his upbringing which had had too much hold on him. And it can't be easy for him too. You are indeed a rare gem for reaching out to him and not pushing him away when he needed you the most. But most importantly, cherish your Husband cos he is a very very very good person too, how many man can do what he has done/is doing? Please take very good care of your Husband, your crown jewel and I wish you eternal marital bliss.

oluite:
Please why couldn't the others infer this?Was it easier to keep asking consistently what debrief did on her part to cause the abuse?!

BB - kind, but at best conjecture. There could be as many different interpretations as there are readers. And let me ask this, would God let one who is His go through all of that? And to what avail, what purpose? And would God have to use divorce which He hates too bring about His purpose? Wasn't the Angel a little late?

Guitarlife - after a heavy pounding - cited "demon possession" and ran. I have experience of those married to demon possessed spouses. There were signs. They were ignored. There are always pointers.

As to "blame" - call it what you will blame, culpability, responsibility, fault, whatever. No one is blaming an abusee for an abusers responses. That is always the abusers choice. But two things, whatever the vitriol in response, sensible people will always ask 1. why did you transact with this person in the first place and 2. what was it that precipitated the abuse. Perfectly reasonable questions to ask.

Funnily enough I also wrote up my reading of the situation and the main players, but I'll leave that for now. The rub with Debriefs story is that it sounds glossed to the point of being campaign material. At some crucial - easily overlooked points - it just doesn't wash;

1. Prior to marriage he was an angel, and no one saw or said a thing. Barely 6 months after he was a demon?
2. Through all this Debrief remained blameless (I'm not talking unsalted soup here). Whilst every other avatar was villified except her 2nd husband?
3. And even if I had a large dose of incredulity administered, along with a few "belief suspension" tabs and somehow manged to forcibly swallow points 1. and 2., will I really confess that God - and for no apparent reason - abandoned one who was faithful to Him? Lemme open wide, I'm happy to guzzle on vitriol.

Guitarlife - you could have been a little more considered in your posts. And some points were off-point. Membership of a church "sub-group" is no guarantee of anything - kinda like "being close to many pastors" - and wine in moderation is not wrong. But to be sure I get the thrust of your points.

Airspace - For what it's worth, I am really impressed by your humility and willingness to question yourself and be conciliatory. I got what you were trying to say and sensed no rancour in your tone. Please don't shy away from saying it as you understand it, even if wrong. And keep willing to be a dissenting voice.

Best
TV

maran1983: I've been silently following this thread and was contemplating commenting or not but my husband explained that if my post can save just one person, then I'd have done a lot.
I was in my 3rd year, 2nd semester when I met this guy through a mutual friend and we started dating. @1st it was all rosy and magical but I noticed he started getting jealous of my friends, time spent with my family instead of with him, infact too many things for me to remember.
My family couldn't stand him, we are a really close knit family so I didn't understand why they didn't like him, so to compensate, I loved him even more but of course, that wasn't enough for him.
A typical conversation would go thus
Me:honey guess what? Omo and I are going to see a movie this weekend.
Him:you girls are just a bunch of sluts! Don't you have tvs @home? I'm sure you want to sNeak out to see another guy, it won't work, infact you have to be @my place by 7am on sat.
Like someone under a spell I'd be @his place all through saturday and sunday.
It got so bad I didn't have friends anymore, I was constantly @loggerheads with my family. He even had people spying on me in school! One time I'd told him I was fasting because of a program in my school church, to my shock he called and said 'liar, you claim to be fasting, yet you are frying meat!' I was amazed cos I was trully frying meat. I had to explain that I was cooking with some members of the church for the program.
Please, don't get me wrong, I wasn't naïve or foolish but with him I lost all confidence and self esteem. I used to feel so pretty and sure of myself but he killed all that.
When my dad died he refused to come for the burial because according to him my dad didn't like him!
My story is really long and painful, I'm just glad I got out. There's so much more to tell but I'm typing with my phone.

Wow. Good for you for getting out. All the best as you heal!


I found this on the net and I hope the "pro balance" crew can finally just put a rest to it.


What is Abuse?

Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.

While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.

Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim's person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.

wow. . . . I am so speechless

TV01:




BB - kind, but at best conjecture. There could be as many different interpretations as there are readers. And let me ask this, would God let one who is His go through all of that? And to what avail, what purpose? And would God have to use divorce which He hates too bring about His purpose? Wasn't the Angel a little late?

Guitarlife - after a heavy pounding - cited "demon possession" and ran. I have experience of those married to demon possessed spouses. There were signs. They were ignored. There are always pointers.

As to "blame" - call it what you will blame, culpability, responsibility, fault, whatever. No one is blaming an abusee for an abusers responses. That is always the abusers choice. But two things, whatever the vitriol in response, sensible people will always ask 1. why did you transact with this person in the first place and 2. what was it that precipitated the abuse. Perfectly reasonable questions to ask.

Funnily enough I also wrote up my reading of the situation and the main players, but I'll leave that for now. The rub with Debriefs story is that it sounds glossed to the point of being campaign material. At some crucial - easily overlooked points - it just doesn't wash;

1. Prior to marriage he was an angel, and no one saw or said a thing. Barely 6 months after he was a demon?
2. Through all this Debrief remained blameless (I'm not talking unsalted soup here). Whilst every other avatar was villified except her 2nd husband?
3. And even if I had a large dose of incredulity administered, along with a few "belief suspension" tabs and somehow manged to forcibly swallow points 1. and 2., will I really confess that God - and for no apparent reason - abandoned one who was faithful to Him? Lemme open wide, I'm happy to guzzle on vitriol.

Guitarlife - you could have been a little more considered in your posts. And some points were off-point. Membership of a church "sub-group" is no guarantee of anything - kinda like "being close to many pastors" - and wine in moderation is not wrong. But to be sure I get the thrust of your points.

Airspace - For what it's worth, I am really impressed by your humility and willingness to question yourself and be conciliatory. I got what you were trying to say and sensed no rancour in your tone. Please don't shy away from saying it as you understand it, even if wrong. And keep willing to be a dissenting voice.

Best
TV

And the circle continues. Oya come and drag me from my husbands house and flog a confession out of me. , E dey pain you, stay there. I left, I moved on, Come and force me to confess, take me for deliverance, short of that I no know wetin you want again. Keep the party going jor. , Nothing you can do about it
And yes my husband is a correct man specially designed by God for me, even as a divorcee , deal with it, as "sinful" and "unfaithful" to God as i was , he didnt think like you, he gave me a covenant man. Thank God say You no be Him

Am I the only one smelling hypocrisy with some folks here . . . .

This is certainly not a complimentary comment and for some reasons, I am a bit miffed
Here are supposedly 'peaceful women' campaigning against abuse by making sure they don't forget to bully the next person whose voice does not exactly sound like theirs

The roll call is staggering -
*NikkyShine came in to make a point and she had to literally beg not to be bitten - like seriously !!!!!
*Serubawon was so afraid, despite the pleas, he scampered for his life.
*the normally verbose coogar, just gave a cryptic two liner, that was neither here nor there and disappeared.
*And Airpure, haba . . . The barrage she received today might even sink as deep as the slap. I mean she apologized and apologized, yet the sticks kept landing on her. If you feel her choice of words were not as good as yours, So ?? does that justify the torrent she had to face ? You could have torn her arguments into shreds but not her person. She was figuratively slapped and dragged on the ground here . . . .
At some point, she was desperately trying to appease some folks here but heck, the mob wasn't having it, they kept on kickin - 'how dare she voice an opinion that's contrary on our thread in the first place'. Debrief's comment just came to mind

debrief08: .
How to avoid bad marriages, start from your home, train the boys well, train the girls that they are not inferior, their opinions count.
Abuse in most cases is not cause and effect it is about power, the abuser feels happy only when someone is reduced by their words and actions and is in pain, that is the sense of satisfaction that comes from abuse, you can be the best wife or husband and still be stuck with an abuser.

It got so bad her last comments made me put my hand on my head

Airpure:

Thank for ur reply I duff my hat to u. From ur post I better understand some of the issues.like some men abuse cause of damaged minds n nothing u can do to save em n in dis case u should run or expect to be in RIP section soon. Also that if a man accepts his shortcomin n understand that abuse is a no no n he is willing to change then u can work wit him.thanks dear.

You see now Efe n others there is need to keep an open mind in threads n try to understand others instead of throwin abuse cos no man has all d knowledge. Every situation n human being is diff. We can all learn from each other. If not NL will be a place where selected few think they ve all the knowledge n every1 must fall in line.

That said I won't post here again I ve seived n picked the info that is beneficial to me n I hope others do so too.

*and Gob bless that woman busy_body . . . . .

chaircover: Debrief I have a question. Something just crossed my mind. Abusers are mostly bullies and we all know that bully’s withdraw when they see people stronger than them.

Am in total agreement with you ma and my little introspective mind sees the 'abusive spirit' even on this thread. Truth remains that we might win little if we refuse to look inwards too - In addition to identifying 'monsters'. You know the way it goes, the average man who comes late to work, cheats in exams, gives and accept bribes yet he is tired of corruption in Nigeria

and for those who feel having a rounded opinion is not necessary, carry on. My little training and upbringing teaches me that reasonable people put both (or all possible) angles into consideration before making judgement, even if at the end of the day only one side will be declared guilty
and for clearance of doubt, read busy_body's lengthy post/analysis again - that is as close as possible to my understanding of balance.

I apologise to those that have stayed true on this thread who might feel called out by this post. Am sorry if it seems am derailing this important thread at this point but there is a limit to which one can stand some . . . .

For those who will surely respond to this post with insults, Its Ok. I realise that once it is in the system, its probably only the 'blood of Jesus' that can wash it away.



@Debrief, I do appreciate your inputs, you seem to have a good spirit despite your experiences and I sense you just want to help those who have found themselves in very difficult situations like yours without any ulterior agenda but please let's try to make this sound less like a 'Divorce manual'. Ok.

@cotton - all I can say is that God has helped you thus far. He'll see you to the end. I'l advice you to learn from debrief and if possible do not allow the bitterness from your past to in anyway have an influence on your future. As in move on, not just physically but also spiritually and in your psyche