@sisikill

nice reply babygirl,u too dey trip me wt ur replies.but wat do u think sisikill?its obvious he loves d u.s babe more than the nigerian?but baby girl if u are a guy and u find urself in dis kain situation,wat will u do,and i also think emma did not mean anything bad in d pigeon english thing,i guess he' s just trying to explain,u know say some naija girls too dey form wt man ,they no dey like speak pigeon english,they believe its dirty,and for him to see a babe dat communicates like dat in pigeon english in d u.s not minding the fact that she's from a wealthy family,u know say some big men children too dey feel,but dis one just dey down to earth(according to poster)i think i understand emma,

chinda3:

@sisikill

nice reply babygirl,u too dey trip me wt your replies.but what do u think sisikill?its obvious he loves d u.s babe more than the nigerian?but baby girl  if u are a guy and u find yourself in this kain situation,what will u do,and i also think emma did not mean anything bad in d pigeon english thing,i guess he' s just trying to explain,u know say some naija girls too dey form wt man ,they no dey like speak pigeon english,they believe its dirty,and for him to see a babe that communicates like that in pigeon english in d u.s not minding the fact that she's from a wealthy family,u know say some big men children too dey feel,but this one just dey down to earth(according to poster)i think i understand emma,

Lol. . .put me on the spot why don't you? Seriously, though. . .my personality would not allow me to be with someone who is reticent. . .where I come from, we call them shiru shiru mugu. Those kind people scare me because you never know what it's on their minds .I want someone who let's me know where i stand, i don't want to have to guess. . .quite frankly, the US girl sounds more like the kinda person I'll be friends with. They let you know what they feel and before you can blink twice, they are over it.

I understand the pidgin part was Emma's way of saying how down to earth the girl is and I apologize for dismissing it the way I did. I honestly don't get that he loves one more than the other. . .I think he really is confused. I know he has no obligation to tell us more but I'd really love to know why he thinks he can't be himself with the girl in Nigeria and why he thinks the girl in the US is calculative. . .or calculating.

@ poster
A lot of people have spoken wisely and some can't understand ur plight,simply because they are not the one wearing the shoe and probably does not kwn how it hurts.
I feel u and the challenges u are facing now, no one can be an exemption of it
It is a very tough one and u really need great wisdom. U cant do it all alone, but go on your knees if u kwn how to pray

The two girls have their great attributes, hence u are in between the devil and the deep blue sea
I can only tell you to take out time in thinking, real thinking. And don't forget to reminisces on reasons for some broken marriages.
Ur happiness should count, marriage is ever lasting for those who kwn the purposes and understand the institution well
In all let ur heart guide u. and whatever that might be the case at the long run of your thinking, which ever way u choose to follow, be sure u don't hurt any one at the end, meaning the way /manner u may decide to go about your decision. Goodluck guy and may u eventually settle with ur soulmate.

@Emmanuel
The answer is simple and straight; GO for your heart. The only problem is that you have to be very very sure of what you are feeling.
Marraige is a life time affair, THINK and pray to God to help you make the right decision.

Cheers.

@cool funke ,kalmebad,sisikill,chinda3,ola,and every other person,i thank u all for ur contributions ,it has helped me alot,God bless u all

I understand the pidgin part was Emma's way of saying how down to earth the girl is and I apologize for dismissing it the way I did. I honestly don't get that he loves one more than the other. . .I think he really is confused. I know he has no obligation to tell us more but I'd really love to know why he thinks he can't be himself with the girl in Nigeria and why he thinks the girl in the US is calculative. . .or calculating.

@sisikill
u see sisikill i can be wt d nigerian girl,like i said i proposed to her and wat i wanted was to propose and then after a few wekks we get down wt d traditional marriage,but after i proposed to her ,because of dis attitude of bottling things up,i decided to delay a little and try to make her change ,u see sisikill i know i cant change her or make her change ,but i only begged her to let me know wenever i annoy her,instead of bottling things up and then after few months she just offloads everything on me,like i said im not telling u the u.s does not have her faults,anger(hot temper)is one problem she has,but if i annoy her she tells me instantly,look emma i dont like wat u just said ,i actually complained to my best pal here in d u.s about d naija and he was like girls dat bottle of things can be very dangerous,and wat i meant by calculative is,i believe an intelligent person is calculative,u know wenever d person is asked a question d persons mind runs fast to answer,dats wat i meant by calculative,sometimes we (d u.s girl and i)will be talking and then i will tell her about some problems i have,u know wat ,her mind runs so fast and get me d solution i need to my every problem,all she will say is EMMA WHY DONT U DO IT LIKE THIS OR LIKE THAT wat i have not thought in 100 years dis ggirl just thinks about it in one minute,tell me is she not intelligent,and at d end of d day if u take up her advise it works very well,sometimes i wonder if God just gave her extra wisdom

thank GOD u understand wat i meant by d pigeon english,its just a way to explain d kinda person she is

what i meant by calculative is,i believe an intelligent person is calculative,u know wenever d person is asked a question d persons mind runs fast to answer,that is what i meant by calculative,sometimes we (d u.s girl and i)will be talking and then i will tell her about some problems i have,u know what ,her mind runs so fast and get me d solution i need to my every problem,all she will say is EMMA WHY DONT You DO IT LIKE THIS OR LIKE THAT what i have not thought in 100 years this ggirl just thinks about it in one minute,tell me is she not intelligent,and at d end of d day if u take up her advise it works very well,sometimes i wonder if God just gave her extra wisdom

emma i think i get d calculative part,some women are like dat,very intelligent,and every man wants a woman,who will sometimes help him draw conclusions of watever he wants to do,and frankly speaking the u.s girl is intelligent,about d bottling up matter i also agree wt ur friend ,women dat bottle up things can be very dangerous

i know of a man who stays in lagos,he had a misunderstanding wt his wife,and she happens to be dis bottling up type,now to cut d long story d husband was at fault and he called his wife to sitting room and apologoised for watever he did,d woman said ok,now only for d guy to go to bed dat night and d woman boiled hot water and poured it on him,wen she was arrested,she was asked y she did such a thing,do u know her reply?I POURED HIM DIS WATER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM A LONG ROPE SINCE;THIS SAME THING HE APOLOGISED FOR HE AS DONT IT TO ME COUNTLESS OF TIMES,OK THEY NOW ASKED HER IF HE HAS DONT IT TO U COUNTLESSS OF TIMES,DID U CALL HIS ATTENTION TO IT AND TELL HIM U DONT LIKE WAT HE IS DOING? SHE SAID NO,I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO CHANGE HE DID NOT SO I POURED THE WATER?THE POLICE TOLD HER,HOW WILL HE CHANGE WHEN U DID NOT TELL HIM THAT WATEVER HE WAS DOING OR DID TO U;DOES NOT GO DOWN WELL WITH U,IF U HAD TOLD HIM HE WOULD HAVE CHANGED

THIS IS A REAL LIFE STORY DAT HAPPENED IN lagos

@emma

dont rush into any decision now,just take ur time and pray,im sure God will see u thru

Emma,
could you link me up on YIM? Get the mail on my profile.

@topic,
I also love it when people tell me I am wrong instead of bottling it up. At times however, depending on the circumstance, it is better to forgo those issues that may lead to rancour.

I throttle between the two line using my discreetion. At times, I will tell you that you offended me. At time, I will just shut up and let go. Sure, I may bring it up later in future. I do that for three reasons:
1. To let you know that you didn't eat you cake and have it. That I wasn't ignorant of your misdeed. I do this in a way that would not bring back old wound and with intent to close the chapter. Often, I have never, when it happen demand apology. It is useless. The important thing is to stop it.
2. To inform. When you do something, you may not be aware you are hurting someone. I have that in mind. Hence, when I tell you, it would be purely infomative.
3. When I can't take the shit no more, when my system is about being poluted, I had to tell you especially if you keep hurting me knowingly or unknowingly. The response you will give will determine my judgement.

So study your baby, find time to talk to her on that element. I know how it hurt to know that someone bear grudge against you. My mind won't rest and I would keep asking you what I have done wrong. Believe me, it hurts more than hot water. That is why, I don't hesistate to tell people they hurt me unless it is either useless (and I don't even bother about people hurting me) or it would spark violence or bitter acrimony. By studying your lady, you would find out why she keep grudges. Since you are far apart, you have to use your wisdom to establish the right answer. I think it would be hard but if the two of you are open, you can do it.

When we chat, we'll go further.

Emma,
could you link me up on YIM? Get the mail on my profile.

@topic,
I also love it when people tell me I am wrong instead of bottling it up. At times however, depending on the circumstance, it is better to forgo those issues that may lead to rancour.

I throttle between the two line using my discreetion. At times, I will tell you that you offended me. At time, I will just shut up and let go. Sure, I may bring it up later in future. I do that for three reasons:
1. To let you know that you didn't eat you cake and have it. That I wasn't ignorant of your misdeed. I do this in a way that would not bring back old wound and with intent to close the chapter. Often, I have never, when it happen demand apology. It is useless. The important thing is to stop it.
2. To inform. When you do something, you may not be aware you are hurting someone. I have that in mind. Hence, when I tell you, it would be purely infomative.
3. When I can't take the shit no more, when my system is about being poluted, I had to tell you especially if you keep hurting me knowingly or unknowingly. The response you will give will determine my judgement.

So study your baby, find time to talk to her on that element. I know how it hurt to know that someone bear grudge against you. My mind won't rest and I would keep asking you what I have done wrong. Believe me, it hurts more than hot water. That is why, I don't hesistate to tell people they hurt me unless it is either useless (and I don't even bother about people hurting me) or it would spark violence or bitter acrimony. By studying your lady, you would find out why she keep grudges. Since you are far apart, you have to use your wisdom to establish the right answer. I think it would be hard but if the two of you are open, you can do it.

When we chat, we'll go further.

Emma,
could you link me up on YIM? Get the mail on my profile.

@topic,
I also love it when people tell me I am wrong instead of bottling it up. At times however, depending on the circumstance, it is better to forgo those issues that may lead to rancour.

I throttle between the two line using my discreetion. At times, I will tell you that you offended me. At time, I will just shut up and let go. Sure, I may bring it up later in future. I do that for three reasons:
1. To let you know that you didn't eat you cake and have it. That I wasn't ignorant of your misdeed. I do this in a way that would not bring back old wound and with intent to close the chapter. Often, I have never, when it happen demand apology. It is useless. The important thing is to stop it.
2. To inform. When you do something, you may not be aware you are hurting someone. I have that in mind. Hence, when I tell you, it would be purely infomative.
3. When I can't take the shit no more, when my system is about being poluted, I had to tell you especially if you keep hurting me knowingly or unknowingly. The response you will give will determine my judgement.

So study your baby, find time to talk to her on that element. I know how it hurt to know that someone bear grudge against you. My mind won't rest and I would keep asking you what I have done wrong. Believe me, it hurts more than hot water. That is why, I don't hesistate to tell people they hurt me unless it is either useless (and I don't even bother about people hurting me) or it would spark violence or bitter acrimony. By studying your lady, you would find out why she keep grudges. Since you are far apart, you have to use your wisdom to establish the right answer. I think it would be hard but if the two of you are open, you can do it.

When we chat, we'll go further.

Any guys who has had feelings for two girls knows the matter is not as easy as you are putting it. Each girl has something he can live with, that is why there is a problem in the first place.

Emma, I have been in your position and I am still in your position, my own has lasted over ten years, this girl we grew up together, she knows me more than I know myself, like your  US girl, she is natural, funny and can adapt to any situation. When we were teenagers, our friends and family used to joke around that if we don’t marry each other, nobody will marry us. We will both laugh and fashe the whole thing. She was my junior sister’s friend but we were all close in age. When my sister died we became even closer, she helped me a lot during that time and I think that’s when I started falling for her but I did not know what I was feeling back then,  I went to London to study and she stayed in Niger for 1 year or two then she went to US. Before she went, me and her used to correspond, I’ll tell her about all the Londoner falling for me and she will even advice me on what I should do, if somebody break up with me, it’s her I will first tell, sometimes she will laugh at me but I know is not in a wicked way, is something like Mr. Casanova can get his heartbroken wonders shall never end, she always manage it makes me feel better about myself. After she move to the Us we lost touch  but I still hear about how she’s doing because family still connect us, once in a while we will try reconnect; but something will happen. I moved to Ireland for graduate studies and we lost touch again but she was always at the back of my mind. When I was in Ireland, I met another girl from the same place I come from in Nigeria and we clicked. We started to date, this girl is very nice, she is gentle but insecure. Right from the moment we started dating, she will ask me to promise I won’t leave her. In the beginning I will promise but after my study in Ireland, I had to move back to London and it took me a long time to convince her that I am not leaving her but I have to go to back because that’s where I will find a good job. She finally agreed but on the condition that she transfer her courses to a school in London, for me that was a stupid idea because she was almost done and if she transfer, some school will want her to take other classes to match their prerequisite. Lucky for her, she was able to get into a school that took all her courses. She didn’t move in with me because her family are strict about that type of thing, but we have sex. In 2006, my step-sister told me my friend’s sister was getting  married in the us and because their name sound alike, I thought she said my friend was getting married. I was so shocked, my heart wanted come out of my mouth, it was like my step sister knew what I thought, she started to laugh and say not her, the other one and that’s when my mind cool down. My step  sister made fun of me that day that I should find a way to divorce my childhood friend if I want to marry this new one.  My new girlfriend has seen pictures of my friend but she thinks she’s one of my relatives since it was in a family album. My problem is that even though me and my girlfriend have not talked about marriage but it is like the next level but I have just reconnected with my old friend and I will not lie to you, nothing has changed. I can still talk to her about anything, it’s like over ten years have not passed between us. She still has  a way of making me laugh and feel better about myself and now I find that I am dragging my leg with my girlfriend, she is eager to get engaged because the company I work for right formed a partnership with a Nigerian company in Abuja and since I’m from there, I have been picked to as part of the team. They say the time frame is 6 months but we should prepare ourselves for unexpected delay since it’s Nigeria. I am ot sure why any talk of engagement right now makes me angry, my friends say it’s because my girl is trying to force my hand but m step sister thinks it is because I have reconnected with my first love. This kind of situation brings rain of abuses most especially from the girls here on Niaraland but before una curse my generation past present and future, please help a brother out. Emma abeg forgive me as I take your space, I don’t want to start another thread since our situation is the same.

I will really like your thought on this. Thank you my fellow nairalanders. I also want say in my two years of reading nairaland, this is one of the few thread where people really try to help someone. I agree with my man olanajim about thread crashers, this is an avenue to help each other make una let us use am wisely. 
That is all, J

@eccentric

thanks my bro,u really know wat im going thru,u see i just have one question for u,check urself out,from dis two ladies who do u love most?ur answer will make me reach out to u,u see everyguy needs a wife who is a mother a sister and a friend,a wife dat makes u feel athome,a wife dat understands u and u also understand her,dis are d qualities i find in d u.s girl.

@ Emma

Your mind is made up for this us girl. It is very very obvious. You maybe started this thread to make yourself feel like you are not being unfair to the Nigerian girl. I have to tell you that you are being unfair to her not because you might leave her but because of the way you are doing it. I tell people that the best time to take a decision on any relationship is when there is no body else there. Why did you not leave her since you can not tolerate a girl that bottles things up. I personally don't like such people but i would break up with any guy if i find out something about him that i cannot leave with BUT I will definitely not wait to find another guy first before breaking up so as to be fair in my judgement.

Comparing two people is unfair especially the one you love less because love will make you side the one you love most and then highlight their good side and turn supposed weakness into strengt.While i don't support u marry out of pity, i must tell you that u have been unfair to ur Nigerian girl my reason being that if her bottling things was so much of an issue ,why did u wait till to do this. I think you are just looking for a way to paint her black so u can move on.
Com mon people it's time we started treating people the way we want to be treated. Let's respect peoples heart.

[b]Before you do what you will regret, just think twice.

I have a friend who has been dating this girl for 5 years, they got engaged, we had this work thing together, his girlfriend travelled and we started hanging out, the next thing I know he was already hitting on me. I just thought it was pure friendship no strings, because I know his girlfriend to. The way he talk to me, how many times he'll call me on d phone eveeryday, it all changed! The day he finally said something, I was shocked.

So, I sat him down and talked to him, everything is fine now, he got over it, they're getting married in August.

I won't go into more detals, what I just want you to know is, what u're feeling might not be love or chemistry, it's just anxiety, it's very natural so don't feel bad. Just be sure u
re not making the wrong decision, good luck! [/b]

« #47 on: Today at 08:40:03 PM »

Before you do what you will regret, just think twice.

I have a friend who has been dating this girl for 5 years, they got engaged, we had this work thing together, his girlfriend travelled and we started hanging out, the next thing I know he was already hitting on me. I just thought it was pure friendship no strings, because I know his girlfriend to. The way he talk to me, how many times he'll call me on d phone eveeryday, it all changed! The day he finally said something, I was shocked.

So, I sat him down and talked to him, everything is fine now, he got over it, they're getting married in August.

I won't go into more detals, what I just want you to know is, what u're feeling might not be love or chemistry, it's just anxiety, it's very natural so don't feel bad. Just be sure u
re not making the wrong decision, good luck! Wink

thanks i appreciate ur advise,God bless u

@ Emma

Your mind is made up for this us girl. It is very very obvious. You maybe started this thread to make yourself feel like you are not being unfair to the Nigerian girl. I have to tell you that you are being unfair to her not because you might leave her but because of the way you are doing it. I tell people that the best time to take a decision on any relationship is when there is no body else there. Why did you not leave her since you can not tolerate a girl that bottles things up. I personally don't like such people but i would break up with any guy if i find out something about him that i cannot leave with BUT I will definitely not wait to find another guy first before breaking up so as to be fair in my judgement.

Comparing two people is unfair especially the one you love less because love will make you side the one you love most and then highlight their good side and turn supposed weakness into strengt.While i don't support u marry out of pity, i must tell you that u have been unfair to your Nigerian girl my reason being that if her bottling things was so much of an issue ,why did u wait till to do this. I think you are just looking for a way to paint her black so u can move on.
Com mon people it's time we started treating people the way we want to be treated. Let's respect peoples heart.

@baby girl

my mind is not made up yet,its just dat ive watched both characters and hers seems to be d best,babygirl if u had read dis thread from d begining u will find out where i said i have never cheated on d naija girl,never,not even for one minute,not a second,even though we r miles apart,ive always been faithful,ive met so any girls but none of them has moved me d way d one here in d u.s has,believe thats y i came here for help,i know its going to be unfair
on one of them
but i would break up with any guy if i find out something about him that i cannot leave with BUT I will definitely not wait to find another guy first before

breaking up so as to be fair in my judgement

i did not wait to find someone before i break up wt d naija one,infact the thing is i did not even plan to fall for anybodyexcept d nigerian girl,but things just turned upside down,i know i deserve to be kicked in d ass,but i just need advises dats all

@Emma,
This your case is not so complex. Its a clear matter that depends on many things. Some people go to America without knowing when they will return. What i am trying to say here is that we compromise some important things for peace and happines to reign. If you have access to going back to Nigeria whenever you want, I suggest you go back and take care of your wife because the way you sounded here, I have the feelings , that you are married to her. Forget this your non Gold-Digger Jibi Jaba story and forget about down to earth and up to moon trash.Painting the American girl with white paint will not help the one in Nigeria. I dont buy it. Secondly, if you dont know when you will have papers to go to Nigeria, tell your wife in Nigeria the situation of things and make her understand that your hands are tied up there. Its not easy taking decissions about relationships like this. I wish you good luck but remember u dont have to lie to your wife about your in ability to come home.

thnaks all for ur advise.
@sam milla

thanks all d same,im a citizen of america and i can travel to wherever i want to,i can travel to nigeria today if i want to,and d girl in nigeria is my fiancee,not my wife,but i know wat u mean,thanks all d same

@Emma
You are correct, I want a woman who knows me, we I can rely on. The Girl from London is a nice girl but she needs me too much. Sometimes, I am afraid of what she will do if I leave her. She has family around London and Ireland but she never really visit them, I will even suggest she go see them but she takes it like I am driving her away. I know some women will think I am immature and I am not ready for a relationship but that is not true. I only want her to have a life outside me. I am having second thought about taking the facilitation job in Nigeria because anytime the topic come up, she will become sad and say she knows if I go, I will not come back and even I come back, I won't come back for her. That shit  makes  a brother tire, sometimes I wonder maybe I am with her because of what I think will happen if I leave. My friend in the US is self reliant, she has her own life even though she still respect the family she comes from. They are like night and day, I know some people will say don't compare but that is bullshit. Show me a man who can make a decision without comparing, even to buy tie we compare.

Sorry Emma, but I agree with people who say you have made your mind about the US girl. I want to know how you will move forward from here? Please respond and if you don't want to do it here please hit me on my YIM.


@ SAM MILLA
Why are condemning him? He said they girl in Nigeria is not is wife.You can not understand one man's pain until you were his shoe. Advice not insult.

Eccentricj,

your case and that of emma is like water and alcohol. They look alike but they are not the same. That of emma is as far as I am concerned not a complex problem. It is not an emergency he still get plenty of time. Beside, he won't have problem in deciding if he is thorough. And your own, is a bit complex when clearly analysed. You see, at different times in my life, I have seen real life replay of what the two of you are passing through. It is not the same at all and require seperate approach.

You have promised marriage to a lady that is insecured, whereas your heart is with your childhood friend. I do have someone like that your friend. A childhood friend with whom I had a great relationship. Confide together etc. But we are nothing than that. People thought we are dating but we don't even discuss love. However, she know when I try to woo a lady and even try to matchmake me to her friend. She gave advices, taught me what I know about women etc. When I heard she was engaged while I was serving, I almost lost my mind. For months, it was like I will die. Well, the story wasn't real. We discussed together later and laughed it off. Somehow, we resolved it. I knew she wanted a date. But something is missing. Then I relocated. She got involved with my friend and is married now.

Emma's case is closed. he just have to think.

But yours? Let me re-read. I think I can learn from it.

Eccentricj,
we all have childhood friends, male and females whose impact on us can be deep.

As a result of free access, communication, openess, trust, and confidentiality, we got so close that we long for deeper engagement. When one or both are good, then, people start expecting committment. Just as our own feeling become stronger.

After reading your story, I am going to, as usual take path of caution in what I will say.

To say that you should look at the one you love most is useless. Because, had it not been for love, you will never have gone to the extent you went with London lady. Cross you heart, would you have promised her marriage, and allow her relocate to your vicinity if not for love?

To say that you should leave the London girl is wicked and cruel. Why? The lady is already insecured and had high expectation of the union. If she is not a bad lady, then, you will break her heart needlessly.

To say that you should forget the US lady is tantamount to telling a fish to forget water. Why? The two of you have forged long standing bond that cannot be broken anyhow.

I tell you, you can solve the riddle.

Before solving the riddle, take note of the following logic.

1.If the US girl have found a suitable man in US, she would never accept to return to you.
2. If the US lady have had disappointing relationship during the period you lost contact, then her coming back is not purely a result of love.
3. Your sister, would have informed the US lady of your reaction to the wedding news. And more likely, she would be mulling over your possible formal proposal. Provided she is single.
4. At this level, your sister appeared to favour your re-union wth US lady.
5. It seem, one of the reasons you didn't follow up the US lady is that you are not naturally inclined to long distance love. This manifest in the way you allow the London lady relocated with you to london.

With these, I want you to start thinking. . .

Eccentricj,
we all have childhood friends, male and females whose impact on us can be deep.

As a result of free access, communication, openess, trust, and confidentiality, we got so close that we long for deeper engagement. When one or both are good, then, people start expecting committment. Just as our own feeling become stronger.

After reading your story, I am going to, as usual take path of caution in what I will say.

To say that you should look at the one you love most is useless. Because, had it not been for love, you will never have gone to the extent you went with London lady. Cross you heart, would you have promised her marriage, and allow her relocate to your vicinity if not for love?

To say that you should leave the London girl is wicked and cruel. Why? The lady is already insecured and had high expectation of the union. If she is not a bad lady, then, you will break her heart needlessly.

To say that you should forget the US lady is tantamount to telling a fish to forget water. Why? The two of you have forged long standing bond that cannot be broken anyhow.

I tell you, you can solve the riddle.

Before solving the riddle, take note of the following logic.

1.If the US girl have found a suitable man in US, she would never accept to return to you.
2. If the US lady have had disappointing relationship during the period you lost contact, then her coming back is not purely a result of love.
3. Your sister, would have informed the US lady of your reaction to the wedding news. And more likely, she would be mulling over your possible formal proposal. Provided she is single.
4. At this level, your sister appeared to favour your re-union wth US lady.
5. It seem, one of the reasons you didn't follow up the US lady is that you are not naturally inclined to long distance love. This manifest in the way you allow the London lady relocated with you to london.

With these, I want you to start thinking. . .

emmenuela
You are seeking for advice from nairaland
My advice-Go back to your based in Nigeria lover.You are not being fair.Are you aware if she had had to turn down numerous people seeking a ralationship with her,just because of your alleged love?Are you aware that she has had to sacrfice a lot because of you?You are not being fair because relationship is all about commitment.
If everyone was to act like you are about doing,thee would be more broken hearts and suicidal attempt than there currently is

@Emmanuel

From what you`ve said, it`s reasonable to conclude that you started dating the girl in Nigeria during one of your visits home. And notwithstanding that you`ve not really been able to spend much time together, you went ahead with engagement. Believe me, responsible people don`t get to treat engagement like a toilet paper discardable without the slightest compunctions
It`s very important to know whether you ever told the girl in Nigeria that if she didn`t change it may lead to the end of your relationship. There is a big difference between complaining to her about bottling up, and actually telling her that it has the potential to put the relationship in jeopardy.
It`s also relevant to cast your mind back to two years ago- when neither of these two was in your life; what did you see as the most unacceptable weakness(es) that a girl could have? If I had asked you this question two years ago, how would you have responded. Would you have included bottling up as a complete no-no? If not then, why now?
I agree with the people that said that you are being unfair to the girl in Nigeria- in more ways than one really. I mean, if you had always seen bottling up as a big deal why would you go ahead with engagement with that same person, or is it the case that it has now become a major issue because the girl in America is in the picture?
Since you have thought it wise to mention the wealthy backgrond of the girl in the States, that would suggest to me that, even if you are not poor yourself, you know that her family is wealthier than yours. You can downplay this to your heart`s content, but you need to be conscious of your ability to meet her taste. Of course this may not be an issue now, but it would become an issue after marriage.
Another big mistake you are making is to overlook the damage that hot-temper could cause. The question I will advise you to ask yourself is whether there is any reason(s) why the US girl should be getting angry at present; what is she angry about? Right, left and centre you seem to be doing well. In other words, if she can be showing anger now what would she show when things go wrong since life is no bed of roses. In a nutshell, what you are witnessing now is a tip of the iceberg. The one that does not show her anger immediately would be less prone to irrational reactions because she has had more time to process the issue in question.
Another thing you need to think about is the time it`s taken you to do all this. I mean, you met the girl in Nigeria a year ago and the one in the states just a couple of months later, isn`t it possible that you don`t even know either of them yet? So it might be necessary to slow down a little, take your time before making the next big decision.
Anyway, I will advise you to let the girl in Nigeria know about the fragility of this relationship because it would be unfair to continue to keep her in the dark. You may not think so, but the way you structured your narrative here would suggest that your mind is almost made up; made up against the girl in Nigeria- not because she has done anything wrong, but because of your own weaknesses which you are yet to come to terms with. But it`s nice to make a decision that you can take ownership of rather than taking one as a result of the advice of some anonymous commentators on the internet.
My prayer is for God to be your guidance so that you don`t end up in a marriage in which you will be a permanent junior partner. Amen

Hi Emma,
I'm sorry to keep harping on this but why did you ask the girl in Nigeria to marry you if you say you can't be yourself with her? I just don't get it. . .were you planning to spend the rest of your life pretending to be something you're not or were you hopping that after marriage you can finally be yourself? Honestly, this is where the whole "you've changed, you were never like this when we were dating" starts from. Give her the chance to see the real you. . .who knows maybe then she'll also be able to express herself more. Women have been blessed with a sense of intuition. . .maybe she's getting that you're not being yourself with her and that's why is why she keeps things bottled up. . .not knowing how you'd react. It seems to me you're both tip-toeing around each and this does not bode well for your relationship.

It does seems like you've made up your mind about this girl in the US. . .which is fine and good but in my opinion, you didn't give the other girl a fair chance. Please know that I am in no way trying to dissuade you from what you'eve decided, I just want you to think carefully. . .there are not one, two but three people's emotions at play here.

Eccentricj
Don A l l a h, ki tsayawar abun ka na rubuta a na. Walahi, ka na lafiya? Abi kina sha burkutu? Ina bak'in ciki, ina son kuka. A l l a h, Ina so kai se ki right now, you don't even want to know. Komi de komi za ka che, ka buga ni, Kana fahimta?

Hi Emma,
I'm sorry to keep harping on this but why did you ask the girl in Nigeria to marry you if you say you can't be yourself with her? I just don't get it. . .were you planning to spend the rest of your life pretending to be something you're not or were you hopping that after marriage you can finally be yourself? Honestly, this is where the whole "you've changed, you were never like this when we were dating" starts from. Give her the chance to see the real you. . .who knows maybe then she'll also be able to express herself more. Women have been blessed with a sense of intuition. . .maybe she's getting that you're not being yourself with her and that's why is why she keeps things bottled up. . .not knowing how you'd react. It seems to me you're both tip-toeing around each and this does not bode well for your relationship.

It does seems like you've made up your mind about this girl in the US. . .which is fine and good but in my opinion, you didn't give the other girl a fair chance. Please know that I am in no way trying to dissuade you from what you'eve decided, I just want you to think carefully. . .there are not one, two but three people's emotions at play here.

@siskill

how do i say thank u to u?u r donly one here u seems to understand wat im going thru,believe me ive not made up my mind about d u.s girl,somepeople said i should stop comparing,but like ecentric said ,there is no way comparison wont come into this,as a girl if u want to buy clothes dont u compare out of d two u love most especially if u cant avoid the two,and must take one,u compare both and then decide on the one u want

some think im after dis girls wealth,I AM FAR FROM IT ,i dont care if her father is d president of naija presently,i only mentioned d wealth aspect cos i was hitting on humility,i keep saying dis,i am not a poor man myself,the girls fathers wealth did not make me ,who i am today,so i dont know why some nairalanders dont seem to understand wen one needs help.

sisikill i repeat i have not made up my mind yet on d u.s girl,i am only comparing and its just dat she's leading for now.

thanks all d same for ur advise sisikill,from my heart i appreciate it,im sure whoever's going to marry u ,will be d luckiest man on earth,cos u r very understanding

Emma,
you are making it look as if you are doing the ladies a favour by dating them. At least from your own perception. You are also acting as if these ladies are the best in the world.

You said no one understand what you are going through. You said that you can't be yourself in the presence of a lady. That is to me look like you are advertising your weakness. While you look at other people's weaknesses, you forgot that what you are displaying on this thread is a put-off to many responsible ladies. I am yet to know any lady who will in her deepest heart prefer a man who can't be himself infront of a woman. That is what some call "wussy". You see, ladies also have there criteria when deciding who to marry. Unlike men, they may not be vocal about it. Secondly, most ladies eventually change under the influence of a man who possess strong character. I am not saying you do not have character, I am asking you to learn to be yourself no matter who you are with or where you are.

You also seem to me as someone looking for a perfect woman without fault. That is good. Give it a go. I know that no woman would delibrately advertise her fault in front of her potential lover. You will be stunned after marriage when the reality down on you. Supposing you leave A because of her fault and go to B. After marriage, you found out that B had a fault concealed from you during courtship, what would you do? Divorce?

While you meditate on the two ladies, I want to impress it on you that you must learn tolerance in advance. Just in case. The best advise for your case had been given by others above. The only thing to add is that you must learn to be yourself.

To get you thinking. Supposing you have a daughter or sister like that of your Naija lady, how will you handle her?

I was once in your shoe. What I did was to leave the two ladies. I have never regreted that. I found out that there is always someone better.

@sisikill
Ha! Sisi, me na fad‘a? Okay, na fihimta. Ki yi hakuri.


To Emma and all
Thank you for your contribution. Deep down we all know what we really want but we want other people to maybe justify it for us, so that we can feel less guilty. This is my life and I want to be happy, I can not accomodate another person't fears. I will do what I have to do and pray for forgiveness. If it doesn't work out, no regret I know that I tried.

Emma my brother, follow your heart oh.

olanajim
My brother I like your advise but you are too harsh on Emma. You don't understand, this is life time commitment, a man has to be aggressive in what he wants. It is not like he is thinks he is doing them a favor but if he makes the wrong choice, who will suffer? It's the girl now.

Hi again Emma,
You give me way too much credit. I didn't do more than anyone else on this thread and I'm sure like me, they are glad to help. It's unfortunate that in these types of situation, we (I.e us out here) don't get to know how things turn out. If it's not too much of an imposition, could you let us know what happened? If this is asking too much, please just ignore it.

And for the record, I don't think you are a gold digger. Like the pidgin english misunderstanding, I think talking about this girl's wealth is a way to show how down to earth she is. It's no secret most people. . .girls from wealthy families tend to be a little high and mighty

Best of luck to you and whomever you choose to be with. Salud!