Okon.akpan:
My wife and I have been married for about two years now with a son, we reside in Calabar and I work at Eket. I spend some weeks at work due to the nature of my work. We dated for more than a yr before we married but knew and dated when we were in the university for few months. When we were dating, she was nice, respectful, understanding, caring and tolerating.

Things changed when we married, she became hot tempered, impatient, stonehearted, unforgiving, isolates my friends and rants angrily if things are not done her way. She complains whenever I present a gift to her either is too expensive or too cheap (fake). She cannot be pleased or satisfied; its either what I did is too much or not enough. She has issues with neighbours and the previous places we have resided.

She has issues with almost all her siblings, she don't trust anybody not even me, and she suspects anybody when negative incident occurs and thinks everybody around her is diabolic. She is very economical and complains when I spend money on my people but wants me to be spending money on her people and on her. She told me that she don't have feelings for me again which shows in her.

Things became worst when her mother came for child birth visit, she became more aggressive in everything, she nags a lot and would keep on talking for hours even if I decide to ignore her, in-short, the more I ignore her, the more she talks. During any argument between us when I’m at work, she cuts the phone on me and does not answer my calls nor call me for days or weeks until I come back home.

Previously we resolve our differences within a day but this had changed. She wants to do all the talking while I just sit and listen to her, when I speak, she would want to raise her voice on me and as I resist her, she would wear a stony face, snub me and start crying moments later, the snubbing will continue for days.

I need advice from this house on what to do, I can't continue like this. I don't know how my child is; I don't know what is going on in my house as I'm in Off Shore. My wife has changed into what I cannot explain, she want to have the final say in my house and control me but I've refused. What do I do cos, I must confess, it disturbing at work and I don't know the future of our marriage.

Okon.akpan:

Things changed when we married, she became hot tempered, impatient, stonehearted, unforgiving, isolates my friends and rants angrily if things are not done her way. She complains whenever I present a gift to her either is too expensive or too cheap (fake). She cannot be pleased or satisfied; its either what I did is too much or not enough. She has issues with neighbours and the previous places we have resided.

She has issues with almost all her siblings, she don't trust anybody not even me, and she suspects anybody when negative incident occurs and thinks everybody around her is diabolic. She is very economical and complains when I spend money on my people but wants me to be spending money on her people and on her. She told me that she don't have feelings for me again which shows in her.

Things became worst when her mother came for child birth visit, she became more aggressive in everything, she nags a lot and would keep on talking for hours even if I decide to ignore her, in-short, the more I ignore her, the more she talks. During any argument between us when I’m at work, she cuts the phone on me and does not answer my calls nor call me for days or weeks until I come back home.

Previously we resolve our differences within a day but this had changed. She wants to do all the talking while I just sit and listen to her, when I speak, she would want to raise her voice on me and as I resist her, she would wear a stony face, snub me and start crying moments later, the snubbing will continue for days.

I need advice from this house on what to do, I can't continue like this. I don't know how my child is; I don't know what is going on in my house as I'm in Off Shore. My wife has changed into what I cannot explain, she want to have the final say in my house and control me but I've refused. What do I do cos, I must confess, it disturbing at work and I don't know the future of our marriage.

debrief08: Kokosheen, while I agree that post partum depression causes some of these attitudes the poster mentioned that this started after they married before pregnancy and child birth.
It worsened in his oppinion after her mothers visit.
So I doubt PPD is the case here even though am no therapist.

davidylan:

you managed to crystallize my marriage fears in one paragraph. I once dated a woman like the above... i could get away with absolutely anything while dating. while that was fun, i couldnt help but think marrying her would be like unleashing the devil i knew lurked inside. A few months later i bailed... the torrent of abuse from her after was shocking.

Ishilove:
Op, she needs deliverance. Na spirit husband dey worry am.

pro01: The more patient a man is, and the more tolerant, and conciliatory and 'decent' he is, the more likely his wife is to constitute herself into a ruthless she-devil. I have noticed that the no-nonsense men generally have the ideal wives, i.e., women who would shut the eff up and do what they are told.

I don't think I would tolerate one tenth of the behaviour you just described here. I guess she is emboldened to come up with more BS by the soft way you have been dealing with her, and by your conciliatory approach to her crap. Push her out of the damn house back to her parents' house. If she stays there for a month or two, and still doesn't learn from her mother how to be a decent wife (the old-fashioned, traditional way), then she should not bother to return to your house. Thousands of nubile and eligible women are fasting on mountains from Isale-Oshin to Ajaokuta, praying to find a well-to-do husband like you to call their own. They would be more than happy to replace this bitch. Thankfully, you have just one child so far. Dash her that one and prepare your sperm-bank to shoot more into the wombs of more fertile and subservient women that are lining up to replace the exiting bitch. Nonsense.

Okon.akpan:


Things changed when we married, she became hot tempered, impatient, stonehearted, unforgiving, isolates my friends and rants angrily if things are not done her way. She complains whenever I present a gift to her either is too expensive or too cheap (fake). She cannot be pleased or satisfied; its either what I did is too much or not enough. She has issues with neighbours [/b]and the previous places we have resided.
[b]
She has issues with almost all her siblings, she don't trust anybody not even me, and she suspects anybody when negative incident occurs and thinks everybody around her is diabolic.

She wants to do all the talking while I just sit and listen to her, when I speak, she would want to raise her voice on me and as I resist her, she would wear a stony face, snub me and start crying moments later, the snubbing will continue for days.

Some symptoms of borderline personality disorder:

Unstable and intense relationships.

People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficient supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.


Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, emotion, thinking and behavior. Someone with borderline personality disorder will be very sensitive to things happening around them in their environment. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

pro01: The more patient a man is, and the more tolerant, and conciliatory and 'decent' he is, the more likely his wife is to constitute herself into a ruthless she-devil. I have noticed that the no-nonsense men generally have the ideal wives, i.e., women who would shut the eff up and do what they are told.

I don't think I would tolerate one tenth of the behaviour you just described here. I guess she is emboldened to come up with more BS by the soft way you have been dealing with her, and by your conciliatory approach to her crap. Push her out of the damn house back to her parents' house. If she stays there for a month or two, and still doesn't learn from her mother how to be a decent wife (the old-fashioned, traditional way), then she should not bother to return to your house. Thousands of nubile and eligible women are fasting on mountains from Isale-Oshin to Ajaokuta, praying to find a well-to-do husband like you to call their own. They would be more than happy to replace this bitch. Thankfully, you have just one child so far. Dash her that one and prepare your sperm-bank to shoot more into the wombs of more fertile and subservient women that are lining up to replace the exiting bitch. Nonsense.

donlyone:

Abeg jare stoop ke, please do not stoop lower than sitting her down and asking her what is wrong or talking to somebody she respects in her family or her Pastor. If respects no one then you know 'say you don buy bad market'

Acting the fool does not mean she will change, instead you would have set a faulty foundation and foundations are hard to fix. She has probably been testing her boundaries and out of love you may have been shifting ground unknowinly.

Listen to what her parents have to say concerning the matter, see if they want her to change or wether they are behind her.

Time to pull your pants up and be a man, make no mistakes about it, she can kill you, stories abound everywhere even on nairaland.

Talk to people older than you or marriage counselors.

If you stoop low, you will live the rest of your life miserably.

Mayflowa: You deserve to be happy. A week vacation will be good 4 two of you.just play to her demand during the vacation. Then ask her a night before the last day if she still love u as you still love her very much.

Ask her what she desire from this marriage. That will give u an insight of who and what she wants.

Lastly, the struggle of power between couple goes on for abt 3yrs before they settle for who they are. That is the phase your marriage is in.

Now, last last, do you think your sexx life is ok? Women could be furious if they ain't satisfied esp with the nature of ur work.

Oshiite: If u think she ll change ,then u are a dreamer,it can only get worse because u are allowing,stamp ur feet down and call her bluff,ignore her when she starts,dont come back home when u are off shore or onshore ,i dont even know which is which, u can even pretend theres someone else,we dont value wot we have until there competition,u sound like ur too soft,i tell u,am a woman and we dont cherish wimps,all the best

debrief08: Sadly what I have come to realise is that when women want to get married they fit into your "standard" of "wife material"
They will cook, clean, wash, scrub, maid service and supply s3x on demand, oncce you are hooked they unleash the real them.
I have told my cousins to accept women whose faults they caan live with so they don't end up with pretenders who unlesh terror after wards.
It is better to stay with a lady whose flaws are obvious and you know you can manage than that perfect "wife material"
I have seen it severally. Men set crazy standards, they want all the great qualities yet they refuse to be a great boyfriend, maake the lady go through hell and most will hold on just to get the ring and world war 3 starts since they haave achieved their aim.

I have one now who while dating pretended to accept and manage her now husbands cheating ways and arrogance, then I told her to be honest about her feelings and if he didn't feel she was good enough to stay faithful to let her move on and get someone who will.
She refused, she "accepted" his cheating, will ignore it when she saw nud3 pictures on his phone, walked in on him with another lady and smiled and pretended it was okay. Silly man thought he had an angel who would let him be married and do as he wants.
Today their home is hell, he is like a prisioner because she behaves the way the OP described.
When he begs me to speak with her she will tell me to ignore him, shebi he wanted a mumu he don enter one chance, she tells me after all they are married now, if he wants let him divorce because she knows he wouldn't.

Poster, sadly you married a woman who pretended to be what you wanted her to be then because she had her target, like someone said, try to salvage what is left of this.
If you can take time off and go somewhere alone no kids, no accusations no fighting, just the way forward, now both of you know the real person behind the facade, decide on how you can work together and around the issues.
Deal with issues not personal accusations and tantrums.
Ask her what she feels is the way forward, also listen and write down key points, infact both of you should write down expectations and exchange, its better than talking because fight will always enter.
When you have both read each others clearly outlined expectations, together you write down realistic points of compromise and each try to stick to it.

I am sorry for what you are going through, best of luck in working to make it better

Okon.akpan:
She threatened divorce not long ago. I think she is fed up with our marriage cos she is not having her way as she wants. There is always quarrel whenever things are not done her way cos she want to be in control.

pro01: The more patient a man is, and the more tolerant, and conciliatory and 'decent' he is, the more likely his wife is to constitute herself into a ruthless she-devil. I have noticed that the no-nonsense men generally have the ideal wives, i.e., women who would shut the eff up and do what they are told.

I don't think I would tolerate one tenth of the behaviour you just described here. I guess she is emboldened to come up with more BS by the soft way you have been dealing with her, and by your conciliatory approach to her crap. Push her out of the damn house back to her parents' house. If she stays there for a month or two, and still doesn't learn from her mother how to be a decent wife (the old-fashioned, traditional way), then she should not bother to return to your house. Thousands of nubile and eligible women are fasting on mountains from Isale-Oshin to Ajaokuta, praying to find a well-to-do husband like you to call their own. They would be more than happy to replace this bitch. Thankfully, you have just one child so far. Dash her that one and prepare your sperm-bank to shoot more into the wombs of more fertile and subservient women that are lining up to replace the exiting bitch. Nonsense.

tithe: To be frank she's possessed by evil spirit, take her for deliverance. I recommend synagogue.

ITbomb: I would assume u spoilt her with gifts and enough caring when u were dating her for ONE year and u just didn't give her the opportunity to developed deep natural affections for you.
If u are an oil worker which I think u are , u are not alone. Many always have this complain after marriage.
What I found out was that the girls behave well as soon as they know they will soon hit and when they are in, they want to be in control especially when u are away from home.
U ve to keep ur stand as the man of the house without being arrogant and insensitive.

butta: @op you married a very BAD market . .

butta: @op you married a very BAD market . Sometimes in life u have to learn to manage what u use your hand to buy divorce is not an option anyways sorry for ur predicament manage her like that and bear whatever your eye see with her it is all part of being married enjoy . Godspeed to u .

butta: @op you married a very BAD market . .

butta: @op you married a very BAD market . Sometimes in life u have to learn to manage what u use your hand to buy divorce is not an option anyways sorry for ur predicament manage her like that and bear whatever your eye see with her it is all part of being married enjoy . Godspeed to u .

Okon.akpan:
She threatened divorce not long ago. I think she is fed up with our marriage cos she is not having her way as she wants. There is always quarrel whenever things are not done her way cos she want to be in control.

debrief08: I am sorry, I refuse to believe the mental illness theory, why were all the issues hidden before marriage?