Now this is just one good example of why I condone pre-maritial sex between couples intending to get married:

ayans4: Dear N/Landers, I need your sincere opinion on this.
I got married to my husband over two years ago as a virgin, cos I had this policy of no sex b4 marriage, and after some months, there was no sign of pregnancy, asked him if in the past he got any woman pregnant becos he was sexually active, he answered in the affirmative, asked him for the baby, he said "they" had an abortion, so I tried all I could as a person TTC, used the OPK, PTK all the quality multivitamins, tried all I mean all that was recommended to do.
meanwhile, after we got married, I noticed his Testis was "funny looking", asked him, he said that I should leave it as that's the way it should be.
after some months of TTC, and about a year after our marriage, I consulted a gynecologist, who recommended we run a comprehensive check, coincidentally at my place of work, we run an annual compulsory comprehensive check up, and on examining me, my womb, tubes and other vital organs got a clean bill.
meanwhile, I had gone for different tests (follicumetry etc) to check for ovulation....all still came out well.
I had to encourage hubby to go for his tests as "the earlier the better".....
In July last year, 2012; I encouraged him to go for a Seminal Fluid Aanalysis/ Test. When the result was supposed to be out,I asked him for the result and he told me that the test came out inconclusive and had to be re-run as "air" got into the container.
I asked a lady close to me who is medically inclined about the possibility of the result coming out inconclusive as a result of this. she later made me understand that from her findings, that the possibility was slim as there would have been some findings/ result from the tests done.
Three months later,I went visiting his mother, and eventually, his siblings embarrassed me,during a quarrel threw my bags out, asked for my children etc maybe due to the fact that their brother's wife that was just married was already pregnant.
That made me serious about the whole Trying to Conceive thing.
I kept encouraging him to go for a test as if there are treatments he would need, the earlier he gets it, and the earlier we overcome the Trying to conceive challenge, the better. He was very reluctant, but when I insisted, he went for a test, and afterwards, I had to mount pressure on him to disclose the result.It took him like eternity to tell me about it. he eventually sent the result to me via SMS and, it is the WORST form of infertility anybody can suffer. its AZOOSPERMIA! that is, they could find one sperm cell dead or alive in his ejaculate/semen.
I went online, did some research on the condition, and found out it was caused by conditions including undescended testes at birth. I got to know that we would need an urologist to examine him, I called on different Doctors I know who we could see and even went online to check for an urologist in Nigeria. I was advised to visit any Teaching hospital. we visited LUTH( meanwhile he was and has always been lackadaisical about the whole TTC issue. at different times, I asked him if he had anything I needed to know or if he was hiding something from me that the earlier he tells it to me, the better.)and at LUTH, I got to discover he hadn't just I testis, but also went for a surgery for undescended testes and that surgery was not done until he became eleven.
I became sad and asked him why he did not disclose this condition to me before we got married as the doctors have concluded that the only solution is adoption or Donor sperm (DS or get another man to "do the deed".
I have looked at these options and they are not agreeable by me becos to me, the whole marriage was based on deceit becos not just him, but his family knew about his condition and also did not disclose.
I told him I am not ready to continue considering the implications of these options:
if we are to use the DS, how many times do we have to use the DS to make babies that is, after the first success, we have to get another donor some other time for subsequent pregnancies to take place; then what would be the difference.....with a woman that gives birth for different men....
and the truth is that I can't sin against God by getting other men....in the name of getting pregnant, rather, I told him I would remarry and raise a decent family.
meanwhile on hearing my decision, his family members are saying that I should not quit.....but I told them that the little experience I have had of them, am sure they would have married a new wife for him if it case were to be the other way.
Please what is your view....I need sincere answers.
Please....if I were your sister,daughter, friend, what would you be your opinion?
Thank you
AYANS4.

I sincerely respect her views as a christian and why she chose to go down that route, but look what's happening to her:

ayans4: he initially denied not knowing....but said he was sorry about the whole matter and wants us to continue our "family"
I told him that there was no how he wouldn't know that he had just I non-functional testicle as a mature man of over 35 years before marriage that his claim is equivalent to a lady saying she does not know women are supposed to have two breasts....or a woman that claims she doesn't know that women are supposed to menstruate at a certain age....so....it makes me cry almost every day....even as I type this.....am still crying....

Even though I fully empathise with her and her predicament, how's crying going to solve her problem? Or change the situation she finds herself in? Or change the fact that her husband was totally selfish??

Pls, this lady is at her wits end, desperately in need of sound advice. For those who are totally against pre-martial sex, pls come and share your view here and 'advice' her on what to do next, here: https://www.nairaland.com/newpost?topic=1347298&post=16621556

What d'you all suggest now? Dry fasting and praying till thy kingdom come??

Talking from the Christian perspective. This is a no-issue. There is absolutely no other way than to trust God and your partner.

Most Christians believe they heard from God on who their partner is so why are you testing? God give you the one that is perfect for you so what exactly are you testing again?

Will you leave the man God specifically told you is yours!
Is God not all-knowing? Doesn't He have the best in store for you?

As a Christian, you should always look onto God for the man to marry and there should be peace hereabout in your heart about him.

Don't make a mockery of God. After testing testing and more testing, we now wear white and go to church and pray to the same God to bless our marriage. Thank God for Grace.

The fact that I was a sinner does not mean I should encourage others to do so

vanitty: Talking from the Christian perspective. This is a no-issue. There is absolutely no other way than to trust God and your partner.

Most Christians believe they heard from God on who their partner is so why are you testing? God give you the one that is perfect for you so what exactly are you testing again?

Will you leave the man God specifically told you is yours!
Is God not all-knowing? Doesn't He have the best in store for you?

As a Christian, you should always look onto God for the man to marry and there should be peace hereabout in your heart about him.

Don't make a mockery of God. After testing testing and more testing, we now wear white and go to church and pray to the same God to bless our marriage. Thank God for Grace.

The fact that I was a sinner does not mean I should encourage others to do so

So the women that didn't test ,trusted God and ended up with impotent men should see it as God's will for them?

babyosisi:

So the women that didn't test ,trusted God and ended up with impotent men should see it as God's will for them?

Abi ooo

If it was the woman that had the problem I am certain the guys husband would have made a full flavour Nabania album of abuse on her head.

If you are dating test run your partner wellla, And if you test run and you no miss period for 1-2yrs omo na long thing oo.

In my own case we dey always run foul every 3-4 months we had to get an IUD cos Morning after refused to work again

babyosisi:

So the women that didn't test ,trusted God and ended up with impotent men should see it as God's will for them?

If the said lady heard from God regarding who to marry. Yes that is God's will from her.

We need to stop being emotional about this and realise God cannot be rationalised. Our way is not God's way. How do you explain Jacob and Esau, why did God love one and hated the other?

If you want the Christian way then yes no testing allowed I am afraid. Have you ever been in a congregation that preaches different? What so you expect? You want pastors to be preaching fornication and adultery?!

vanitty:

If the said lady heard from God regarding who to marry. Yes that is God's will from her.

We need to stop being emotional about this and realise God cannot be rationalised. Our way is not God's way. How do you explain Jacob and Esau, why did God love one and hated the other?

If you want the Christian way then yes no testing allowed I am afraid. Have you ever been in a congregation that preaches different? What so you expect? You want pastors to be preaching fornication and adultery?!

You still haven't answered the question though.

What we have here is a real life scenario that requires a real life practical solution. The last thing this lady needs are quotes, excerpts and ideological dreams of how life should be. Crap happends. It is what it is. What we have here is a good Christian sister who followed the rules to the 'T' and has been dealt with shyte.

So I'll ask, what exactly are you suggesting she does now? What's your advice to her?? What should she do now??

Even if that woman has test-ran/run and she didn't get pregnant or didn't want to, she wouldn't have found out still until now.

Fertility tests would have been a better option for her since she was waiting.

dayokanu:

Abi ooo

If it was the woman that had the problem I am certain the guys husband would have made a full flavour Nabania album of abuse on her head.

If you are dating test run your partner wellla, And if you test run and you no miss period for 1-2yrs omo na long thing oo.

In my own case we dey always run foul every 3-4 months we had to get an IUD cos Morning after refused to work again

slimyem: Even if that woman has test-ran/run and she didn't get pregnant or didn't want to, she wouldn't have found out still until now.

Fertility tests would have been a better option for her since she was waiting.

Thank you

slimyem: Even if that woman has test-ran/run and she didn't get pregnant or didn't want to, she wouldn't have found out still until now.

Fertility tests would have been a better option for her since she was waiting.

Okay, so for the no-no camp, a good suggestion based on this lady's real-life experience is for both couples to undergo fertility tests...sounds good to me.

At least, from the onset, they would have known about his medical condition and inability to produce sperm.

Nice 1 slimyem

I wonder if there are any more / other options out there?

dayokanu:

Abi ooo

If it was the woman that had the problem I am certain the guys husband would have made a full flavour Nabania album of abuse on her head.

If you are dating test run your partner wellla, And if you test run and you no miss period for 1-2yrs omo na long thing oo.

In my own case we dey always run foul every 3-4 months we had to get an IUD cos Morning after refused to work again

Oga Dayo , thank God for the IUD cos morning after pill is EMERGENCY contraception, not to be used lightly and frequently ..And by run foul you mean

Efemena_xy: Okay, so for the no-no camp, a good suggestion based on this lady's real-life experience is for both couples to undergo fertility tests...sounds good to me.

At least, from the onset, they would have known about his medical condition and inability to produce sperm.

Nice 1 slimyem

I wonder if there are any more / other options out there?

The only confirmed way is the real confirmation. Missing of P!!

I have heard several childless couples that the doctor told them nothing was wrong with both.

damiso:

Oga Dayo , thank God for the IUD cos morning after pill is EMERGENCY contraception, not to be used lightly and frequently ..And by run foul you mean

We tried monitoring safe period, FOUL, We tried Morning after foul, We tried withdrawal foul, everything na OFFSIDE, Until IUD

dayokanu:

The only confirmed way is the real confirmation. Missing of P!!

I have heard several childless couples that the doctor told them nothing was wrong with both.

Yeah, but in this particular case, the doctors would have issued out the read flag and told them outright that the man can never father children because he doesn't have any swimmers!

dayokanu:
We tried monitoring safe period, FOUL, We tried Morning after foul, We tried withdrawal foul, everything na OFFSIDE, Until IUD

You're too active jare. Start taking cold showers

slimyem: Even if that woman has test-ran/run and she didn't get pregnant or didn't want to, she wouldn't have found out still until now.

Fertility tests would have been a better option for her since she was waiting.

exactly my thought.

As to the case in question, I am sorry for the lady. It is a case of deception and the man is v. guilty. I agree with her leaving the marriage and hopefully, she'll find happiness with a better man.

Going for a fertility test before marriage isn't an option to me. While having Children is desired by all, it isn't the essence of marriage in itself but one of the gains.

damiso:

Oga Dayo , thank God for the IUD cos morning after pill is EMERGENCY contraception, not to be used lightly and frequently ..And by run foul you mean

...the lady/ladies were missing their Ps definitely...
Dayo, God is watching you.

deols:

While having Children is desired by all, it isn't the essence of marriage in itself but one of the gains.

Now that is a truth which a lot of people have replaced.

But on the other hand, a lot of people are going into marriage not for companionship but for children

Efemena_xy:

You still haven't answered the question though.

What we have here is a real life scenario that requires a real life practical solution. The last thing this lady needs are quotes, excerpts and ideological dreams of how life should be. Crap happends. It is what it is. What we have here is a good Christian sister who followed the rules to the 'T' and has been dealt with shyte.

So I'll ask, what exactly are you suggesting she does now? What's your advice to her?? What should she do now??

I believed I answered the question when I said if the woman truly heard from God, then that is God's will for her.

She will have to carry her cross and bear it hence why I said God's way is not our way, forget logic, forget trying to be intellectual about it.

She won't be the first neither will she be the last to be have an impotent husband. God will never give you what you can't handle so therefore if you truly heard from God that Mr is hubby then that is your lot and He knows you can handle it.
Listen, you cannot twist the bible to fit into your own ideology. Everything changes but the Word remains the same.

Now if the conversation is about the sinner called man and woman then that is something else BUT from the WORD OF GOD'S perspective it will always always remain the same. Trust in God for the right man then you won't have to be checking if it is complete.

The idea of testing is even ridiculous, what after the "testing" something happens that you and him were not privy to and you married the person, would you divorce?! Or you got pregnant before marriage, after marriage you lose the baby, hubby had an accident, can't perform anymore divorce?

Let's call a spade a spade, the body is weak that is why we fall into sin, not because of any ridiculous "testing". Even after the so-called testing, the sex is poor, most will manage it, unless if sex is the only reason you married your husband lo ku. Then you are in deep trouble when the sex dies down niyen!

vanitty:
I believed I answered the question when I said if the woman truly heard from God, then that is God's will for her.

She will have to carry her cross and bear it hence why I said God's way is not our way, forget logic, forget trying to be intellectual about it.

She won't be the first neither will she be the last to be have an impotent husband. God will never give you what you can't handle so therefore if you truly heard from God that Mr is hubby then that is your lot and He knows you can handle it.
Listen, you cannot twist the bible to fit into your own ideology. Everything changes but the Word remains the same.

Now if the conversation is about the sinner called man and woman then that is something else BUT from the WORD OF GOD'S perspective it will always always remain the same. Trust in God for the right man then you won't have to be checking if it is complete.

The idea of testing is even ridiculous, what after the "testing" something happens that you and him were not privy to and you married the person, would you divorce?! Or you got pregnant before marriage, after marriage you lose the baby, hubby had an accident, can't perform anymore divorce?

Let's call a spade a spade, the body is weak that is why we fall into sin, not because of any ridiculous "testing". Even after the so-called testing, the sex is poor, most will manage it, unless if sex is the only reason you married your husband lo ku. Then you are in deep trouble when the sex dies down niyen!

Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud!

Trust me, nearly 2 decades on and my sex life is just fine. Even better - so let's not go there, shall we? And this isn't about testing vs testing - I've made my stance on that (long ago)

I rejuvenated this thread because of the example above. I'm interested in the practical solutions out there for those who chose to wait till after marriage, only to find out that they've got serious problems.

You STILL have proffered no solution. You've said a lot without really saying anything. Basically, you advocate that she does nothing, as per carrying her cross and bearing it, abi?

Now is that really a solution? Deols, has been even more realistic here. At least she's sighted divorce on the grounds of deception as an alternative / solution.

Yours is: despite the man's deception, she should stick it out, yes??

Efemena_xy: Now this is just one good example of why I condone pre-maritial sex between couples intending to get married:

There is no way pre marital sex would have helped. He still would have kept the condition to himself and what happens if they break up before marriage?

tbaba1234:

There is no way pre marital sex would have helped. He still would have kept the condition to himself and what happens if they break up before marriage?

Depends on the reasons for having pre-marital sex in the first place. If it was for procreative purposes, there's no way he wouldn't have been found out. You can't hide something like that forever.

Besides, from what she's posted, he was quite active in the sex department with other women before he married her. Ever wondered why he didn't get hitched with any of them? How can we be sure that one of those women might have been in the pre-marital sex camp and seeing that this guy couldn't deliver the goods, gave him the boot?

Mynd_44:
Now that is a truth which a lot of people have replaced.

But on the other hand, a lot of people are going into marriage not for companionship but for children

People already get what ONLY marriage should provide them from outside wedlock.

Eventually,to some people, marriage is only a way of having children legitimately or a way of having more right over their partner/tying them down.

deols:


People already get what ONLY marriage should provide them from outside wedlock.

Eventually,to some people, marriage is only a way of having children legitimately or a way of having more right over their partner/tying them down.

Well true.

Efemena_xy:

Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud!

Trust me, nearly 2 decades on and my sex life is just fine. Even better - so let's not go there, shall we? And this isn't about testing vs testing - I've made my stance on that (long ago)

I rejuvenated this thread because of the example above. I'm interested in the practical solutions out there for those who chose to wait till after marriage, only to find out that they've got serious problems.

You STILL have proffered no solution. You've said a lot without really saying anything. Basically, you advocate that she does nothing, as per carrying her cross and bearing it, abi?

Now is that really a solution? Deols, has been even more realistic here. At least she's sighted divorce on the grounds of deception as an alternative / solution.

Yours is: despite the man's deception, she should stick it out, yes??

Ahh I see.

Deception? I am not talking about deception here.

My words are solely based on the fact that If you call yourself a Christian and you say you heard from God!

Surely if a man deceived you, he really can't be the one God want for you can he?!

Kudos that you still have an amazing sex life but that is simply because that is not all there is for you and hubby.

If you base your decision on who to marry solely on how the person can make you see 100 stars and send you to the moon and back after "testing", with time the sex may still be amazing but you will be searching for more . . anyway that is just going off the tangent

My POV is a Christian lady should hear from God about who to marry, if she truly heard from God, then it is finished. No testing needed. However, the lady could fall into sin but that is another thing entirely at least she won't come up with oh I am just "testing"

Efemena_xy:

Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud!

Trust me, nearly 2 decades on and my sex life is just fine. Even better - so let's not go there, shall we? And this isn't about testing vs testing - I've made my stance on that (long ago)

I rejuvenated this thread because of the example above. I'm interested in the practical solutions out there for those who chose to wait till after marriage, only to find out that they've got serious problems.

You STILL have proffered no solution. You've said a lot without really saying anything. Basically, you advocate that she does nothing, as per carrying her cross and bearing it, abi?

Now is that really a solution? Deols, has been even more realistic here. At least she's sighted divorce on the grounds of deception as an alternative / solution.

Yours is: despite the man's deception, she should stick it out, yes??

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

Efemena_xy:

Depends on the reasons for having pre-marital sex in the first place. If it was for procreative purposes, there's no way he wouldn't have been found out. You can't hide something like that forever.

Besides, from what she's posted, he was quite active in the sex department with other women before he married her. Ever wondered why he didn't get hitched with any of them? How can we be sure that one of those women might have been in the pre-marital sex camp and seeing that this guy couldn't deliver the goods, gave him the boot?

Having pre marital relationships does not mean he did so to procreate. If he used protection in the past , none of his previous partners would have suspected a thing, so that point is invalid. His wife only knew after 2 whole years.

Pre marital sex solves nothing and could be risky, the couple should have had comprehensive tests before marriage. That is a far better option.

This thread again? Now the question is why do we test-drive before marriage? Do we test-drive for the fun of it? Do we test-drive to ascertain the sexual prowess of the intending spouse? Do we test-drive for compartibility? Or do we test-drive to confirm the intending spouse's fertility which is important for every family(offspring things)? Now if we test-drive to confirm the intending spouse's fertility the test-driving have been defeated, unless, the intending wife is ready to get pregnant before marriage. Now this virgin lady that was decieved by the fraud of a guy, if she had test-driven him, how would she know that the guy is infertile? She said that they have been married for almost a year having s.ex before she found out through medical test. Imagine her test-drive before marriage she will still marry the man since the man is sexually compartible with her. Now her problem is a medical problem that no amount of test-driving before marriage will reveal, unless, she was ready to get pregnant. Now, those that said the test-drove before marriage, let them also tell us that they took in(pregnant) before the marriage? For me this virgin lady's case is simply going for medical test with her intending partner before marriage unless she wan carry belle. I ask again. Why do we test-drive?

Choi!!

Your post is all over the place! I can't make head or tails of what you're saying...

vanitty:

Ahh I see.

Deception? I am not talking about deception here.

No? Then what are we talking about in relation to this woman's example? You are aware that if there was no deception on the part of her husband, she wouldn't be here in the first place crying her eyes out would she?

vanitty: My words are solely based on the fact that If you call yourself a Christian and you say you heard from God!

Surely if a man deceived you, he really can't be the one God want for you can he?!

So now it's her fault that the man tricked her? How much more of a Christian should she have been? She was a virgin and just in her twenties for goodness sake! She had practically been living her life according to your bible...chastity and all that.

vanitty: [s]Kudos that you still have an amazing sex life but that is simply because that is not all there is for you and hubby.

If you base your decision on who to marry solely on how the person can make you see 100 stars and send you to the moon and back after "testing", with time the sex may still be amazing but you will be searching for more . . anyway that is just going off the tangent[/s]

Now, now vanitty, this isn't about Efe or Efe's sex life is it??

Yes, there is more to marriage than just sex. Much, much, more BUT, sex does play an integral part in marriage. And yes, there's nothing wriong with being taken to the moon to see 100 stars and back (you forgot to add the part of screaming "hallelujah"...)

vanitty: My POV is a Christian lady should hear from God about who to marry, if she truly heard from God, then it is finished. No testing needed. However, the lady could fall into sin but that is another thing entirely at least she won't come up with oh I am just "testing"

And how does one tell with absolute certainty that they've heard from God and not the devil? You're saying here that you can only tell if the voice you "heard" was God's if it worked out well for you. And if it didn't, as in this lady's case, then it wasn't God's voice she heard but the devil's? And the bolded bit, how is that applicable to the lady in question here? She didn't fall into the "sin" of having pre-martial sex! She waited! She kept herself pure! So how was she at fault? What more did she fail to do??

Divorce on the grounds of deceit.

It is a no brainer.

tbaba1234:

Having pre marital relationships does not mean he did so to procreate. If he used protection in the past , none of his previous partners would have suspected a thing, so thst point is invalid. His wife only knew after 2 whole years.

Pre marital sex solves nothing and could be risky, the couple should have had comprehensive tests before marriage. That is a fat better option.

Ah! But who's to say? You can't rule out that possibility. And even if that were the case, he still wouldn't have told her.

As per the fertility tests, yes, I agreed on that point. But having said that, she's also mentioned that she basically had to force this man to go for those tests and at one point, he asked her what the fuss was all about...

tbaba1234: Divorce on the grounds of deceit.

It is a no brainer.

Now this, I agree with.

Efemena_xy: Choi!!

Your post is all over the place! I can't make head or tails of what you're saying...




No? Then what are we talking about in relation to this woman's example? You are aware that if there was no deception on the part of her husband, she wouldn't be here in the first place crying her eyes out would she?





So now it's her fault that the man tricked her? How much more of a Christian should she have been? She was a virgin and just in her twenties for goodness sake! She had practically been living her life according to your bible...chastity and all that.



Now, now vanitty, this isn't about Efe or Efe's sex life is it??

Yes, there is more to marriage than just sex. Much, much, more BUT, sex does play an integral part in marriage. And yes, there's nothing wriong with being taken to the moon to see 100 stars and back (you forgot to add the part of screaming "hallelujah"...)



And how does one tell with absolute certainty that they've heard from God and not the devil? You're saying here that you can only tell if the voice you "heard" was God's if it worked out well for you. And if it didn't, as in this lady's case, then it wasn't God's voice she heard but the devil's? And the bolded bit, how is that applicable to the lady in question here? She didn't fall into the "sin" of having pre-martial sex! She waited! She kept herself pure! So how was she at fault? What more did she fail to do??

Which woman?
I read the first post and my response was based on it, i really didn't go through the thread. Babyosisi response to my post was quite generic about impotent man and lady and i deciphered what I thought from it hence my whole essay about God's will, your cross to bear, i believe i also try to inform that God way is not our way etc.

This is becoming a chore jare Efe. Seems I am going on a merry-go-round . The rest of your post about "my Bible" is not even debatable i am afraid, I can't be swayed. If you want the bible perspective, then you will get it. I can't change the Bible so it will be the same response all the time I am afraid. If it ain't in the bible I won't dare advice a Christian to do it. I can't afford to collect that kinda sin!

However, your last paragraph interest me. If you have a personal relationship with God, then you will know it is God that is speaking to you, also there are signs, read your bible and does that man actions align with God's words? I also believe my first post said "peace" that is very important, do you have peace in your heart regarding him etc. if you are not "strong" enough and your faith won't hold, you have elders that can pray with you. That is why it is important to attend a bible-believing church and attend a church that you are serviced every time you attend.