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Freiburger:
Automatically becomes a slave to that culture
Now I can understand why a lot of people here are crying for the dislike button.

If you think you'd be enslaved by attaching yourself to a new/different culture you don't need a soothsayer to tell you not to. A lot of people make the mistake of marrying outside their culture without counting the cost probably cos the have a myopic view of how things work or probably they are/were not matured enough to embark on that venture in the first instance. My point is still if you choose to go outside your culture, you're leaving your comfort zone and as such should make the requisite adjusting before you start.
You don't pack your bags and leave Adamawa for Lagos only for you to get there and wonder/complain why/that nobody is speaking Bachama! It's common sense which is seemingly looking not so common anymore.

deols:

You need to try harder. I am a Yoruba person. What in Yoruba history or culture says that a woman changes her name after marriage?

and don't start to say what you don't know about. In many parts of the world, women retain their identity- the one they are born with. Even in Northern Nigeria, many women retain their Fathers' name after marriage.

It's not stated explicitly in any book but most of African culture including Yoruba culture is mostly patriarchal and as such any form of relationship is controlled by the man. It's the reality we live in today and nobody says it's cast in stone. There are women that when they get married, they retain their father's own name in addition to their husband's name and there are women that don't even bear their husband's name at all. Why there's nothing wrong with this, it can cause conflict in a marriage.

i dont knw y some men engage women in a fight dey cant win, and woman y ar u troubling urself, let him go 2 his work or oda outing wit d boy bt if he cant do dat den blow d boy yoruba very well and clean his mouth b4 his father return.

@Post

I don't get why this should be an issue. Why can't the man teach his baby boy Esan since you don't really speak his language? Secondly, if your husband does not want the mother of his kids speaking any other language but Esan to the children, why did he not marry an Esan girl instead? I keep saying it that I can never admire most Nigerians and their marriages. It comes across like a master-slave relationship. It shouldn't be that way. Life is too short to be living under oppression under a mere mortal for that matter who is neither perfect nor will live forever.

This is why so many Nigerian married women look older than their age in comparison to their married counterparts in the western world. This is because they become property to their Nigerian-bred husbands who are very controlling and emotionally, physically, verbally and psychologically abusive. Life is too short to live that kind of life. It is no wonder the average life expectancy rate in Nigeria is a measly 52 years when people from other countries have an average life expectancy of 80 years. Nigerians have a culture of oppression so how can the average Nigerian live long? If your thieving politicians are not oppressing you, your husbands are oppressing you or society at large is oppressing you.

As a woman, you should have married someone from an advanced part of the world and not a Nigerian-bred man who has chosen to keep living in the 12th century. When you marry a man from another ethnic group, what do you expect? Moreover, don't you know that in Nigeria, as a woman, you are considered property and an incubator? Your opinions sadly don't count. This is why I said marriage does not benefit you women here in Nigeria. It only benefits the man because you have no say in the marriage. You are like a slave. Kpele o!

deols:

You need to try harder. I am a Yoruba person. What in Yoruba history or culture says that a woman changes her name after marriage?

and don't start to say what you don't know about. In many parts of the world, women retain their identity- the one they are born with. Even in Northern Nigeria, many women retain their Fathers' name after marriage.

Change of name for the woman after marriage is a status thing for instance you cant be Miss Deola Aderibibe and become Mrs. Deola Aderibibe except of course if you married your father or brother or other close relative (or on the off chance that you married someone who coincidentally bore your maiden name which I find highly unlikely). Swear to me that you wont change your name when you get married and flaunt it to your friends (I've seen it severally - the woman rolls her eyes and says 'excuse me it is now Mrs. Deola Onigbanjo! while showing off the ring(s) on her wedding finger) By Northern Nigeria you mean Hausa muslims who have adopted the culture of the Islamic culture of Arab-speaking countries who actually see women as possessions and not qualified to carry the husbands name?! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

lobell:

If you think you'd be enslaved by attaching yourself to a new/different culture you don't need a soothsayer to tell you not to. A lot of people make the mistake of marrying outside their culture without counting the cost probably cos the have a myopic view of how things work or probably they are/were not matured enough to embark on that venture in the first instance. My point is still if you choose to go outside your culture, you're leaving your comfort zone and as such should make the requisite adjusting before you start.
You don't pack your bags and leave Adamawa for Lagos only for you to get there and wonder/complain why/that nobody is speaking Bachama! It's common sense which is seemingly looking not so common anymore.

Thank you, but I just can't be responsible for your deluded state of mind.

gothrones:

I am a man. The responsibility of finding a life-long partner fully rests on me, not on my parents.

you are a fool aswell.

PAGAN 9JA:


you are a fool aswell.

My dear pagan, you are the fool. So you begged and grovelled before mommy and daddy so they can provide you a woman? Silly boy.

lobell:

It is practiced in almost every culture in the world (except in Indonesia where they dont have surnames and some tribes in Ghana where they bear the mothers' name. These are extreme exceptions). But generally sppeaking, if you marry an american, you automatically become one or qualify to become one depending on the amount of 'Red Tape' you have to cross but this is the norm everywhere. If you marry from a different nationality/culture from yours, you automatically adopt that nationality/culture. This is common knowledge except if you're from outer space which I doubt very much but if true, welcome to Earth!
I fail to see where I insinuated she's a property. Does your car or shoe become a Nupe car or an Ebira shoe when you acquire it? No!, emphatically. When she got married to her man, she automatically became a part of him something akin to his eyes or elbow or even brain. Technically she can still lay claim to her ethnicity but she now belongs to a new one (leaving her Yoruba people doesn't mean forgetting who she is) and as a functional part of her hubby she has a say in her marriage provided it doesn't undermine the proper functioning of the marriage (for instance your eyes can decide that they want to stay shut and don't want to see anything the whole of Monday simply because an insect flew inside and it hurts very bad. News flash! Because the rest of the body has to get to the office on Monday morning and they heavily depend on the eyes to see the way there, the eye has no choice but to open and see the way despite/in spite the pain - that's what marriage is all about)
At this age and time I expect everybody including you dear Deols to know how relationships work especially with respect to adopting your spouses culture if/when you do decide to hitch your wagon to his.

Women are NOT properties for God sake...! Why must women change names ups and down because they are married to a man and they are no more of their tribe? This no different like the way of slaves Smh...

gothrones:

My dear pagan, you are the fool. So you begged and grovelled before mommy and daddy so they can provide you a woman? Silly boy.

No I dont need to. I may have the power to choose my own wife, however I make the choice in accordance with my tribal values, i.e., I choose a girl from my ethnic group and present her before my parents for consideration, if I find one before my parents can.

We live in a society and our values are different from the west. Our parents have the full right to make the final decision.

I dont go whoring around like you.

^
See how you have made a fool out of yourself again. Claiming that, as a real man, the obligation of finding a woman is completely mine does not logically imply that I whoré around. And like I said, you are a boy. So if you bring a girl home to mommy and daddy and they refuse to give their consent, then you will dump her. What a backward culture.

lobell:

Change of name for the woman after marriage is a status thing for instance you cant be Miss Deola Aderibibe and become Mrs. Deola Aderibibe except of course if you married your father or brother or other close relative (or on the off chance that you married someone who coincidentally bore your maiden name which I find highly unlikely). Swear to me that you wont change your name when you get married and flaunt it to your friends (I've seen it severally - the woman rolls her eyes and says 'excuse me it is now Mrs. Deola Onigbanjo! while showing off the ring(s) on her wedding finger) By Northern Nigeria you mean Hausa muslims who have adopted the culture of the Islamic culture of Arab-speaking countries who actually see women as possessions and not qualified to carry the husbands name?! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

Now tell me what if a woman husband died and she got married to another man she will have to change her surname again? Even when she divorce the current husband and marry another man she will have to change her name again? This not making any sense, changing names as if she is no person or has no root

gothrones: ^
See how you have made a fool out of yourself again. Claiming that, as a real man, the obligation of finding a woman is completely mine does not logically imply that I whoré around. And like I said, you are a boy. So if you bring a girl home to mommy and daddy and they refuse to give their consent, then you will dump her. What a backward culture.

Dude shut up. Dont teach me what it means to be a real man.

A real man knows his duties and limitations.

I did not say I cant find a woman. However that women must be compatible with the values of my people (or else you face the same mess as in this thread).

I respect my parents. If my parents were to tell me to take my life now, I would do it.

If that is backward culture to you , then so be it.

Atleast I have culture. you have nothing.

^
LMAO. See as PAGAN 9JA dey hurt like a little bítch. I will choose nothing over a backward and ancient culture anyday.

Well I must say this post captured my attention so much that after along time of not commenting on NL I felt I had 2 say something....
(1) In as much as I agree with 60% of the comment posted so far. . I think ur first step to getting Ur husband on dis is to learn Esan language Urself...(Either through him or somewhere else)...
(2) I think on the other hand I will advise U don't push it,,(we men could be funny on tivial issues sometimes) I will rather U don't allow de issue disturb ur marriage becos Ur husband likes it or not nature will take its course and as others have said the child will learn de languages around....
3) Finally I thing its will be added advantage even for his future carrier becos from experience I have been to two Global and international organizations in Nigeria where @list two or more local languages were major basis..... This are issues U nid to seat an discuss with U husband.....

!!!!!!If symtom continue after six month contact ur councelor pls !!!

gothrones: ^
LMAO. See as PAGAN 9JA dey hurt like a little bítch. I will choose nothing over a backward and ancient culture anyday.

bitc.h yoursef. dumba$$ ni66er slave.

tintingz: Now tell me what if a woman husband died and she got married to another man she will have to change her surname again? Even when she divorce the current husband and marry another man she will have to change her name again? This not making any sense, changing names as if she is no person or has no root

When a woman's husband dies (or she is divorced), she is free from the connection that identified her with that man, except if she insists on maintaining or keeping the dead man's name. At this point she can call herself whatever she wants. If she remarries, to identify with the new man, she has to take his name or not if they agree so to do. She cant keep calling herself Mrs. Okomah who is dead or who she divorced when she is now married to Mr. Agrippa...too much confusion imo.

lobell:

When a woman's husband dies (or she is divorced), she is free from the connection that identified her with that man, except if she insists on maintaining or keeping the dead man's name. At this point she can call herself whatever she wants. If she remarries, to identify with the new man, she has to take his name or not if they agree so to do. She cant keep calling herself Mrs. Okomah who is dead or who she divorced when she is now married to Mr. Agrippa...too much confusion imo.

why can't she just stick to her father's name instead of changing names like slaves?

PAGAN 9JA:



bitc.h yoursef. dumba$$ ni66er slave.

Take it easy my dear boy. Now go and report to mommy and daddy about the whooping I have doled out to you.

me_for_you: Don't understand some commentators here. How can can the woman teach the child esan when she doesn't understand the language.
The man must be a bull to think that a mom is not supposed to speak her language to her child.

Honestly, I also can't seem to understand the posters chanting 'teach the child your husband's language'. Have they all lost their sense of reasoning and comprehension? How can she teach the child a language she clearly does not understand and can not speak? Shouldn't that be the husband's job?


Ile has given the most practicable and reasonable advice- hubby should teach the child, while wife learns too. I wonder how difficult it is to figure out for mr head of the house.

Btw, I find his reason for banning the wife from speaking yoruba very petty. Smh!

I need to pay people to hiss to this one. So when he was toasting you na Yoruba proverb. Now he had become Esan. Next time he makes the request, tell him to do it in Yoruba proverbs and that he should teach your son those proverbs too. Because that is Kuku how he won you over and married you.

Afam4eva:
It's not stated explicitly in any book but most of African culture including Yoruba culture is mostly patriarchal and as such any form of relationship is controlled by the man. It's the reality we live in today and nobody says it's cast in stone. There are women that when they get married, they retain their father's own name in addition to their husband's name and there are women that don't even bear their husband's name at all. Why there's nothing wrong with this, it can cause conflict in a marriage.

It causes conflicts simply people decide to allow it. In my family, we don't ask any woman married to us to change their names. They don't have to.



and I have no plans of changing mine. and is the reason I will marry someone who thinks like I do.


A man does not need these irrelevant things to assert authority. There is a big problem when a man wants to scream 'I am the man' by all means. It shows that he has some esteem issues or insecure of his position as a man.

Everything from not allowing his son have a Yoruba name to disallowing her from speaking her own language to him tell of a dominerring man, forcing his ways down his wife's throat. He didnt have to marry her if he could not live by her ways. The child was to grow with an infusion of both cultures.


This kind of assertion even breeds disrespect. She will probably get away with this and realise how much more she can get away with. Eventually, he'd become a man who only screams authority.

tintingz: Now tell me what if a woman husband died and she got married to another man she will have to change her surname again? Even when she divorce the current husband and marry another man she will have to change her name again? This not making any sense, changing names as if she is no person or has no root

she becomes something transferred from one person to the other.

chineloSA:

See now, we want man to marry us.
If the child bears his surname, he has all the rights over the name of the child. Even when they divorce, the child will continue bearing his fathers name not his mother surname.

Just that some guys are very nice.
She was suppose to ask him nicely. Especially for boy kids, as they grow up they want to belong and a sense of belonging is first determined by the name.

After divorce a kid can also bear d mother's name oooo, especially if d father has decided not to b active in d child's life

deols:

It causes conflicts simply people decide to allow it. In my family, we don't ask any woman married to us to change their names. They don't have to.



and I have no plans of changing mine. and is the reason I will marry someone who thinks like I do.


A man does not need these irrelevant things to assert authority. There is a big problem when a man wants to scream 'I am the man' by all means. It shows that he has some esteem issues or insecure of his position as a man.

Everything from not allowing his son have a Yoruba name to disallowing her from speaking her own language to him tell of a dominerring man, forcing his ways down his wife's throat. He didnt have to marry her if he could not live by her ways. The child was to grow with an infusion of both cultures.


This kind of assertion even breeds disrespect. She will probably get away with this and realise how much more she can get away with. Eventually, he'd become a man who only screams authority.

It will take two extremely mature people not to get into conflicts because of issues like that.

If don't want to change your name to that of your Husband, it's your choice but you have to communicate it to him before marriage to see if he's like your family that don't care whether someone bears their name or not. But i think that's quite a stretch in a place like Africa.

As much as a man shouldn't have married a woman outside his tribe if he soo cares about her and his children speaking Esan, the woman shouldn't have also considered someone like that or at least she should have discussed these issues before agreeing to marry the man. Marriage is about agreement. If i go into marriage agreeing that my wife should be giving me ten hot slaps everyday, i won't see it as an insult when i eventually get into marriage because it's what i signed up for. I think this woman should accept things the way they are because that's what she signed up for. A lot of parents are aware of this issues, that's why they fight tooth and nail to make sure their ward does not marry outisde their tribe.

You live in the South West and your are worried that your husband does not want you to speak your Yoruba to your son. Is this a problem? You even said your husband speaks Yoruba. How did he learn it? Was it his mom (your mother-in-law) that taught him?

Your son will learn Yoruba naturally - from school, playground, market, church etc. So why bother with this. I have a couple a cousins in Lagos - both parents are Igbos, but the kids (my cousins) speak Yoruba flauntingly.

I do not know what your believe system is but Christianity insist on wife submission to husband...

Afam4eva:
It will take two extremely mature people not to get into conflicts because of issues like that.

If don't want to change your name to that of your Husband, it's your choice but you have to communicate it to him before marriage to see if he's like your family that don't care whether someone bears their name or not. But i think that's quite a stretch in a place like Africa.

As much as a man shouldn't have married a woman outside his tribe if he soo cares about her and his children speaking Esan, the woman shouldn't have also considered someone like that or at least she should have discussed these issues before agreeing to marry the man. Marriage is about agreement. If i go into marriage agreeing that my wife should be giving me ten hot slaps everyday, i won't see it as an insult when i eventually get into marriage because it's what i signed up for. I think this woman should accept things the way they are because that's what she signed up for. A lot of parents are aware of this issues, that's why they fight tooth and nail to make sure their ward does not marry outisde their tribe.

Only mature people should be married!

and younger people can learn the things to discuss before marriage.

But Op said she didnt think it would matter because the man speaks Yoruba. Some men just omit important thingswith the hope that she'd after all have no choice after marriage. As man of the house, their will would prevail.


I have a preference for a Yoruba man because I have always known that the culture difference is a big deal especially in Nigeria. I dislike the thought of even communicating in English with my spouse, let alone my children.

His level of education and of those around him matter a lot. A situation where the grand parents/parents are not very educated and are very cultural and have authority is not a place for me to be in.

It is a case of shine ya EYe.

deols:

Only mature people should be married!

and younger people can learn the things to discuss before marriage.

But Op said she didnt think it would matter because the man speaks Yoruba. Some men just omit important thingswith the hope that she'd after all have no choice after marriage. As man of the house, their will would prevail.


I have a preference for a Yoruba man because I have always known that the culture difference is a big deal especially in Nigeria. I dislike the thought of even communicating in English with my spouse, let alone my children.

His level of education and of those around him matter a lot. A situation where the grand parents/parents are not very educated and are very cultural and have authority is not a place for me to be in.

It is a case of shine ya EYe.

I don't even think the woman set out to marry from outside her tribe. She probably felt she was more or less marrying her fellow Yoruba since the man spoke the language even better than her and was probably more disposed to Yoruba things hence the reason why she didn't seem it necessary to discuss these issues. Some ladies would actually have no problem acceding to such a man's request, that's why people should marry someone they can agree with most of the time. If you can't agree with someone, no matter how in-love you guys are, it's a waste of time.

Afam4eva:
I don't even think the woman set out to marry from outside her tribe. She probably felt she was more or less marrying her fellow Yoruba since the man spoke the language even better than her and was probably more disposed to Yoruba things hence the reason why she didn't seem it necessary to discuss these issues. Some ladies would actually have no problem acceding to such a man's request, that's why people should marry someone they can agree with most of the time. If you can't agree with someone, no matter how in-love you guys are, it's a waste of time.

The problem is the absurdity of the request. Most women would do what their husbands want. What he wants is something she should not have to give. She doesn't need to stop speaking Yoruba to the child before he learns Esan.

she has to communicate with her son and the best to communicate in is her own language. So she has to keep mute with her child and wait for him to come and speak esan to him b4 the Child learns anything??

and English is out of the question. How does he accept English and not Yoruba? most of the children who learn to speak English at home learn the wrong things and in the wrong way.

gothrones:

So she should stop speaking her language to HER own child? Wetin person no go hear for NL.

ooh when u see these kind of chauvinist u'll know dem, see hw he puts it 'ur husbands son' nt their son

pDude:

It is very simple.

Stop speaking yoruba to your husband's son.

her husband's son?? Not their son? I pity d unfortunate female that will end up wit u!