Night$hift:
She's over 35 and I am just 3 years older than her. We have been married for more than 7 years now but the way she behaves sometimes, I just wonder if she really knows what marriage is all about. Even when I engage her on the need to distant 3rd parties from our marriage, she goes back to tell her mother every single bit of what I told her. It's just so frustrating.

Bro, i pity you oo... Take it this way, agree that you married two pple ( your wifey and mother-in-law) but at least you are lucky enough to have paid dowry for only one of them.... look at the bright side of life

baby_123:

Well, contribute to family projects and buy land together if you want a claim. Make sure your signature and proof of purchase is there. Then you have a fighting chance in court. However, if you sit down and let the man do everything hoping to inherit, while also doing yours. That is an expensive gamble.

But the house work for housewives supposed to be a job. So the housewives are of no values.
Hmmm..this is slavery

Chillisauce:

But the house work for housewives supposed to be a job. So the housewives are of no values.
Hmmm..this is slavery

A smart housewife will append her signature on all purchases. But honestly, do you really support such a deception? That is a serious breech of trust. If the husband did the same i will ask the wife to also sharply protect herself. At the end of the day, no one deserves to be taken advantage of. This man is breaking his back without savings to provide for her. All she can do is run around like a local woman spreading gossip about herself. If this man falls sick today, he will die for nothing. No savings, no fall back. Nothing nothing. Only a selfish wife

baby_123:

It doesnt work that way in Nigeria. He whose name is on the land owns it my dear. If you claim this, you will also claim things he owned before marriage not so. You dont know how it works. You cannot use what you know of another country as a yardstick for another.

Those laws need to change though. How can a country that claims that they pride themselves on "family" have laws that do not promote that. As for anything people owned before marriage they can fix all that with a prenuptial agreement. She cannot touch any of it should she decided to walk away and whatever was acquired during the marriage is split in half. Trust me if this law exists people will think twice before making these stupid choices.

I honestly want to start a thread just to pick the brains of Nigerian females because Nigerian females can be quite toxic too. I know a woman my age that told me point blank that she does not want to know what her husband makes because she does not want him to start looking into her finances when she starts making her money. Honestly I was taken aback. She is Christian and everything else. So you are not working and you maintain a very good lifestyle but you have already planned into the future for how he needs to stay away from your money. The man also did not offer to show her how things run and how they could budget their money so I cannot say he did not also want it that way. I just thought that if it was me nobody would be inviting me to see exactly what is happening in our account. In fact it will be one of the things we will discuss before I tie myself to you. Open book. I feel that withholding that kind of information is disrespectful to the marriage. How can anybody say they are committed to a marriage but are buying or building properties and hiding it from spouses. This actually goes for both Nigerian men and women. I think it just bothers me because it's almost like planning for a plan B while married. Also it just shows that you are not honest. If you believe in your marriage and trust the other then you would not do things like this. If you do then you are just comfortable in living in lie. I would really like to pick the brains of these women to see how they think this is in anyway beneficial to them

o42austino: i bag to disagree a little with u. this said wife of his has tested power in their home. infact she holds the power in that their family but u hv to also note what his husband said here That SHE SAID SHE WANT A DIVORCE BUT SHE HAS NOT MADE MOVE YET. that shows me that she does not want to leave, what she is doing is showing his man her powers which appear to me as her weakness because if she truly want to leave she will walk out of that house. What her husband needs now is hardline in that home, seeing her weakness her husband needs to now make his powers known. Listen in BATTLE OF LIFE U MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO NEGOTIATE WITH and he can only do that by take his stake at his family now that the wife is showing sign of weakness. find this book and read it, it is called ART OF WAR.

any man that takes his wife as an enemy or a n opponent only have himself to blame for his woes at the end..why fight somebody on the battle field when u can win the person over with love.

baby_123:

A smart housewife will append her signature on all purchases. But honestly, do you really support such a deception? That is a serious breech of trust. If the husband did the same i will ask the wife to also sharply protect herself. At the end of the day, no one deserves to be taken advantage of. This man is breaking his back without savings to provide for her. All she can do is run around like a local woman spreading gossip about herself. If this man falls sick today, he will die for nothing. No savings, no fall back. Nothing nothing. Only a selfish wife

My dear, deception shouldn't be tolerated , that's why i was saying for the man trying to secretly change those names..two wrong cant make a right.

What the wife did is not acceptable, that doesn't mean they start going in circles.
Just like you said, it's a breech of trust. Anyway, hope they count their losses and move on.

soul_glo:

Those laws need to change though. How can a country that claims that they pride themselves on "family" have laws that do not promote that. As for anything people owned before marriage they can fix all that with a prenuptial agreement. She cannot touch any of it should she decided to walk away and whatever was acquired during the marriage is split in half. Trust me if this law exists people will think twice before making these stupid choices.

I honestly want to start a thread just to pick the brains of Nigerian females because Nigerian females can be quite toxic too. I know a woman my age that told me point blank that she does not want to know what her husband makes because she does not want him to start looking into her finances when she starts making her money. Honestly I was taken aback. She is Christian and everything else. So you are not working and you maintain a very good lifestyle but you have already planned into the future for how he needs to stay away from your money. The man also did not offer to show her how things run and how they could budget their money so I cannot say he did not also want it that way. I just thought that if it was me nobody would be inviting me to see exactly what is happening in our account. In fact it will be one of the things we will discuss before I tie myself to you. Open book. I feel that withholding that kind of information is disrespectful to the marriage. How can anybody say they are committed to a marriage but are buying or building properties and hiding it from spouses. This actually goes for both Nigerian men and women. I think it just bothers me because it's almost like planning for a plan B while married. Also it just shows that you are not honest. If you believe in your marriage and trust the other then you would not do things like this. If you do then you are just comfortable in living in lie. I would really like to pick the brains of these women to see how they think this is in anyway beneficial to them

Those laws only exist in western countries. Not any other continent in the world. So it is not that popular any where else. It bothers me that she will build such a house with the advise of a randy priest and a very funny mother with questionable intentions. If we go by what the OP has said here, that he does not conduct himself in any way that will make her want to protect herself. You dont blame OP for also protecting himself now, do you? Also, if you start signing prenups, you know you can sign prenups that no one can leave the marriage with any thing acquired individually by either spouse? So western laws have loop holes. Which i know Nigerians will abuse to the full extent, if given that option. And we are back to square one.

Chillisauce:

My dear, deception shouldn't be tolerated , that's why i was saying for the man trying to secretly change those names..two wrong cant make a right.

What the wife did is not acceptable, that doesn't mean they start going in circles.
Just like you said, it's a breech of trust. Anyway, hope they count their losses and move on.

He also has to protect himself, since she is quick to shout divorce with plan B for that matter. You dont want him being kicked out of his house and homeless because of sentiments. He needs to talk less and investigate more. Something is going on and he needs to find out.

baby_123:

He also has to protect himself, since she is quick to shout divorce with plan B for that matter. You dont want him being kicked out of his house and homeless because of sentiments. He needs to talk less and investigate more. Something is going on and he needs to find out.

I no dey for this secret CIA.
Btw baby123... You seem to have good experience in this field.

Make I siddon dey look

baby_123:

Those laws only exist in western countries. Not any other continent in the world. So it is not that popular any where else. It bothers me that she will build such a house with the advise of a randy priest and a very funny mother with questionable intentions. If we go by what the OP has said here, that he does not conduct himself in any way that will make her want to protect herself. You dont blame OP for also protecting himself now, do you? Also, if you start signing prenups, you know you can sign prenups that no one can leave the marriage with any thing acquired individually by either spouse? So western laws have loop holes. Which i know Nigerians will abuse to the full extent, if given that option. And we are back to square one.

I just do not like the idea of pre-nups as it just suggest that I do not trust my intending spuse 100%. Its makes alot of sense but I will never do it. Life itself is a risk and so is marriage. If I have no reason to doubt my wife's trust I wouldnt. But in this case, the man should protect himself 100% sef because he has every reason to doubt his wife's intentions.

baby_123:

Those laws only exist in western countries. Not any other continent in the world. So it is not that popular any where else. It bothers me that she will build such a house with the advise of a randy priest and a very funny mother with questionable intentions. If we go by what the OP has said here, that he does not conduct himself in any way that will make her want to protect herself. You dont blame OP for also protecting himself now, do you? Also, if you start signing prenups, you know you can sign prenups that no one can leave the marriage with any thing acquired individually by either spouse? So western laws have loop holes. Which i know Nigerians will abuse to the full extent, if given that option. And we are back to square one.

That is what a prenup is. No one can leave the marriage with anything acquired during the marriage. There is nothing like acquiring something individually in a marriage. You both own them. There is nothing like individual money or assets within a marriage

Chillisauce:

I no dey for this secret CIA.
Btw baby123... You seem to have good experience in this field.

Make I siddon dey look

No i dont, thank God. But sometimes, love can really blind us to a lot of things. He really needs to investigate more and he will get to the root of the matter of this her gragra and bad behavior. Only when you know what is going on, can you have a solution. If she wants her name on his building, he must have his name on hers too. She must even sign undertaking that she is not allowed to own any property in private and if she does he is entitled to it too. Its painful to think about what this guy is going through.

baby_123:

He also has to protect himself, since she is quick to shout divorce with plan B for that matter. You dont want him being kicked out of his house and homeless because of sentiments. He needs to talk less and investigate more. Something is going on and he needs to find out.

I have seen a man kicked out of a house he bought in Nigeria. His wife who also worked in a bank (was sleeping with an ED), promised that her bank could refinance the house at a much lower rate. But the title had to be in her name as she is the staff of the bank. My guys agreed to do a transfer of title. After that, the woman now started bossing him around and eventually kicked him out of the house. And she didnt even hide the fact that she was cheating.

Poster, abeg, protect yourself too o!

Nashville:

I just do not like the idea of pre-nups as it just suggest that I do not trust my intending spuse 100%. Its makes alot of sense but I will never do it. Life itself is a risk and so is marriage. If I have no reason to doubt my wife's trust I wouldnt. But in this case, the man should protect himself 100% sef because he has every reason to doubt his wife's intentions.

I will definitely sign a prenuptial agreement. Quite frankly if I was to marry a man that already has kids and he asks me to sign a prenuptial agreement I would. If for nothing else to protect the children from a previous marriage. Also for business reasons. I WILL BE SIGNING A PRENUTIAL AGREEMENT. If he does not bring one I will bring it

soul_glo:

That is what a prenup is. No one can leave the marriage with anything acquired during the marriage. There is nothing like acquiring something individually in a marriage. You both own them. There is nothing like individual money or assets within a marriage

There is something like acquiring something individually in a marriage if a pre nup exists. You have no right to anything your spouse acquired if the prenup says so. Whether in marriage or not. A prenup can involve any terms, if you sign such, then you are on your own and walk from the marriage with nothing except child support. Very popular when one spouse is very rich.

baby_123:

No i dont, thank God. But sometimes, love can really blind us to a lot of things. He really needs to investigate more and he will get to the root of the matter of this her gragra and bad behavior. Only when you know what is going on, can you have a solution. If she wants her name on his building, he must have his name on hers too. She must even sign undertaking that she is not allowed to own any property in private and if she does he is entitled to it too. Its painful to think about what this guy is going through.

Anyway my second spirit tells me that her name is not in the previous documents. I'm just trying to get my head around what will make a woman behave this way. Having a backup plan when you know virtually you both own everything together

Nashville:

I have seen a man kicked out of a house he bought in Nigeria. His wife who also worked in a bank (was sleeping with an ED), promised that her bank could refinance the house at a much lower rate. But the title had to be in her name as she is the staff of the bank. My guys agreed to do a transfer of title. After that, the woman now started bossing him around and eventually kicked him out of the house. And she didnt even hide the fact that she was cheating.

Poster, abeg, protect yourself too o!

SMH. She would not get away with that mess if laws were written to actual protect the family

soul_glo:

I will definitely sign a prenuptial agreement. Quite frankly if I was to marry a man that already has kids and he asks me to sign a prenuptial agreement I would. If for nothing else to protect the children from a previous marriage. Also for business reasons. I WILL BE SIGNING A PRENUTIAL AGREEMENT. If he does not bring one I will bring it

You never jam man like dangote. Pre_ wetin!
I no sign oh!

Chillisauce:

Anyway my second spirit tells me that her name is not in the previous documents. I'm just trying to get my head around what will make a woman behave this way. Having a backup plan when you know virtually you both own everything together

One should not start what they cannot finish. He has to protect himself because her motives and actions are not pure.

Chillisauce:

You never jam man like dangote. Pre_ wetin!
I no sign oh!

Dangote is not a fool. If he needed to his wife or wives would all sign prenuptial agreements. He did not come this far by being simple. Also the average man not just in Nigeria in the whole world is not Dangote or will ever be Dangote. People at that level hardly put anything they are not willing to lose in their names. Their most valuable assets are incorporated or put in a Trust. Nobody can go after those assets. Even if he used personal money to fund those ventures the most the judge can do is take out that money if you can show the money trail but as far as getting anything that is incorporated. It's likely not going to happen. It is not the property of the marriage

soul_glo:

Dangote is not a fool. If he needed to his wife or wives would all sign prenuptial agreements. He did not come this far by being simple. Also the average man not just in Nigeria in the whole world is not Dangote or will ever be Dangote. People at that level hardly put anything they are not willing to lose in their names. Their most valuable assets are incorporated or put in a Trust. Nobody can go after those assets. Even if he used personal money to fund those ventures the most the judge can do is take out that money if you can show the money trail but as far as getting anything that is incorporated. It's likely not going to happen. It is not the property of the marriage

you def didn't understand me.

Nashville:

She has not yet made the move because she does not feel comfortable enough. Poster, I hate to sound like a doom preacher, but please be prepared for the worst. Your wife will likely leave you, she has already hinted you but she is not ready yet. Either she is saving more money or for another reason. May be her billionaire alhaji has not arrived.

I will advice you not to give yourself high blood pressure. Take each day as it comes, but if possible have a plan B. All the properties you bought as Mr and Mrs Nightshift, get and lawyer and convert them to yours alone. This woman and her family are trouble makers and you never know what they are upto. Its time to start protecting yourself too. You are now very vulnerable. I know of a case if which the wife tricked the husband to sell the house to her on paper all under the cover of refinancing the house. She eventually kicked the husband out. Bro be wise and protect yourself too.

pls if u hv any property don't change it to ur name ooo. creat a company even if that company is only in paper and change all the name on them to ur company, that's how i run my life so that when someone sues me for damage they will find out that i don't have anything while i have everything.

Chillisauce:

you def didn't understand me.

LOL. I understand you now. 2 hours later. I will still sign it

joel lala:

any man that takes his wife as an enemy or a n opponent only have himself to blame for his woes at the end..why fight somebody on the battle field when u can win the person over with love.

Lol.... the book i mentioned is. book written by the Chinese warlords and translated in English. it is a book that deal with strategy even bizness executive uses it. i apply it principles in all area of my life even at my company. my wife is not an enemy but even in family circle their is alway politics, among kids, even among parents.

pendusky:
small boys dontt attend to this type of talk, go and read ur book, how can u advise him to quench fire wit fire.

op, call ur wife out take her to exensive place and tell her ur mind, tell her what vex u nd what u like, from ur story shes trying to protect ur mrriage! hav fun with ur wife and live a fulfilled married life

Mr bigboy I can assure u I know how to handle a woman better than U. he should take her to an expensive place? please read ur comment and laugh @ yourself. A woman is like a crooked rod,if u handle her too lightly she remains crooked, if you use too much force, the rod might break. the only way is to maintain a balance between the Both

Night$hift:

1. She stopped my mother from visiting and I said that is not right and when she stood her ground, I banned her mother and every member of her family as well and she started screaming blue murder.
2. She said she was taking the children to cathecism class but ended up in a Priest's hostel giving him food and collecting a pair of shoes in return as a gift without my knowldege even though I was in the house when she left and when she returned. I found out by chance while my children were gisting days later and when I asked her, she ignored me and never saw anything wrong in her actions until it became a full-blown argument.
3. She prepared and was set to jet out on pigrimage alone with the help of one of her friends and only told me in passing some few days to her planned departure. Of course, I stopped her and it became a major issue.
4. I asked for complete financial openness on her part when she got her new job like we were both doing before but she bluntly refused just like she's still refusing now. But then, I left her just to avoid being seen as overtly intrested in "her money" as she puts it. But with her building without my knowledge now, I have made it the only condition for negotiation on the marriage. Every other discussion will revolve round this.

Thanks for your response. Listen, people are finding it difficult to believe this is happening to you because the usual norm is for victims to be "female"
I mean were this to be a female lamenting like this, the response from majority will be fast and pray, love more, be even more attentive, call family meeting etc so perhaps you may try that!

If you are 100% sure, you are completely innocent, you may also try this, whatever she is doing / does as long as it has no adverse effect on the children, let her be. Don't show any emotional response to her wahala . STOP arguing with her, stop asking her to do anything. Just watch her. If she complains to family, that is her cup of tea, tell them to respect your privacy and let you sort out your issues.

Listen, a woman's body can only take been ignored by her husband for so long, after a while, if your acting nonchalant towards her is not affecting her, then Mr shift you have a serious family crisis on your hands and a woman that does not send you.

joel lala:

any man that takes his wife as an enemy or a n opponent only have himself to blame for his woes at the end..why fight somebody on the battle field when u can win the person over with love.

Who is this person. Your troll duties never tire you?

Until op's wife comes on Nairaland to say her own side of the story, i ain't got no comment.

No sane woman wld do all these tinz op talks about. Something just doesn't add up!

alutacontinua: Until op's wife comes on Nairaland to say her own side of the story, i ain't got no comment.

No sane woman wld do all these tinz op talks about. Something just doesn't add up!

And how do we know she's sane?

Op ur wife is only advanced in age but reasoning wise,she's a baby.stop seeing her as a matured person rather treat &advice ha as if she's a 19yrs old girl who jst got married nd needs som tutoring 2 get used 2 marriage.wit time u ll c changes.

This is what happens when boys and girls get married,pls age is not maturity. OP the worst that can happen to you as a man is to loose the control of your headship,we are Africans and not Americans for Pete sake...I really get angry with most young men who simply lack the basic power to make decision. Why would my mother in-law or brother in-law be calling my phone because my wife called them and reported me to them? Why should my wife be building a house without my consent? There is a huge gap between respect and stupidity. The truth is you have simply lost your mantle of headship and your marriage has turned to a competitive market (MTN & Etisalat)...

OP, I think you let this happen from the beginning. In the beginning you did not put your foot down. You teach people how to treat you. In your case you allowed the behaviour in the beginning and hence she does not see anything wrong with what she is doing.

The way you two deal with conflict indicates more that meets the eye. It indicates :
1)Lack of communication, lack of friendship ( your are not friends enough )
2)Lack of trust, empathy, sympathy
3)Lack of understanding
4)Desire of approval from your wife
5)Lack of emotional relationship
6)Narccistic behavior ( she thinks she is always right hence she shouts to the ends of the world when u faulter ) and a lot of underlying issue.

Your problem requires a third party intervention. An objective third party who will facilitate in letting you both vent out your fears, frustrations, etc. Preferably I would suggest a neutral person like a professional not pastor, not family, someone like a marriage counsellor.

This has nothing to do with how she handles things it all underlying issues.

Good luck though