Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

M sure ur elder brother is a grown man and he knows what's best for him. I think the reason for the family's rejection of the woman is a bit shallow. I know the family's opinion on issues like this matter but what about his happiness??

EzeJustme: Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

No dont allow him ooo

You must compel him to marry you instead

EzeJustme: Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

I will be worried if I were you too, but the honest truth is that there is not much you can do. All you need do is get some senior member of your family to talk to him about the implications of marrying some one with three kids. It is a big commitment and the woman is likely to be far more mature than he is no matter their ages. But ultimately, the decision is his to make and you will accept it.

Renylee: M sure ur elder brother is a grown man and he knows what's best for him. I think the reason for the family's rejection of the woman is a bit shallow. I know the family's opinion on issues like this matter but what about his happiness??

really, i never reject his opinion, but i told him to think wisely before making any decision about marriage, he is up to 30yrs and has not been married before.

What exactly are your concerns about this widow? did you discover something troubling about her? is it because she has three kids? is it because she is a widow? The widowhood or three kids are not deal brakers for your brother so let him be except you know something that may harm your brother.

Your brother's happiness should be your utmost concern. He's matured enough to know what's good for him.

I don't get it!

Can someone kindly explain to me what the fuss is all about? She was once married and has got kids from the union - normal stuff, so what's the big deal??

If she had no issues from the union up until her late husband's demise, I'm quite certain the story would have taken a completely different turn as per: Na wa o! Married, no kids, dead husband! Devil work...

andromida: What exactly are your concerns about this widow? did you discover something troubling about her? is it because she has three kids? is it because she is a widow? The widowhood or three kids are not deal brakers for your brother so let him be except you know something that may harm your brother.

None. I'll bet you, he hasn't got a pin on her - just bad belle.

@OP, what's your gripe with the woman? Why not mind your own business?

Live and let live jare.

Efemena_xy: I don't get it!

Can someone kindly explain to me what the fuss is all about? She was once married and has got kids from the union - normal stuff, so what's the big deal??

If she had no issues from the union up until get late husband's demise, I'm quite certain the story would gave taken a completely different turn as per: Na wa o! Married, no kids, dead husband! Devil work...



None. I'll bet you, he hasn't got a pin on her - just bad belle.

@OP, what's your gripe with the woman? Why not mind your own business?

Live and let live jare.

Efe, no one says the woman has issues, she might even be an angel. The thing is that fathering three kids is alot these days. I have two and giving them the time, best educaiton and other things can be quite demanding. That is what OP's brother needs to understand and be ready for. If he plans to have two more children with this lady, then that makes five children. In this age, five children no be beans o.

Unless the three children are living with some grandparent or something but if he has to cater for them, then he needs to be ready, financially and most importantly emotionally and needs to understand that his wife's attention is already divided.

It is a big ask and I know we always say things like this are not important, but they sure are. Marriage is not text book theory where questions have one answer, the answers can vary depending on the individual. I just hope OP's brother has considered all these and I believe he has. At the end of the day, the decision is his and his alone but I would not blame the family if they have concerns too.

Nashville:

The thing is that fathering three kids is alot these days. I have two and giving them the time, best educaiton and other things can be quite demanding. That is what OP's brother needs to understand and be ready for. If he plans to have two more children with this lady, then that makes five children. In this age, five children no be beans o.

Unless the three children are living with some grandparent or something but if he has to cater for them, then he needs to be ready, financially and most importantly emotionally and needs to understand that his wife's attention is already divided.

I am sure the man has put alot of thought into this. Why should the kids be living with granny before the marriage can work? He chose her, is happy with her why are people troubled for them. Why do they assume he does not know what he is doing just because he is not doing what they presume is right.

andromida:

I am sure the man has put alot of thought into this. Why should the kids be living with granny before the marriage can work? He chose her, is happy with her why are people troubled for them. Why do they assume he does not know what he is doing just because he is not doing what they presume is right.

I do not assume he does not know what he is doing, all I have just said is that I understand why the Op is concerned. You find a new couple having one baby, and the husband is already complaining of divided attention. Now a woman with three kids would worry about her kids alot. And having more - say 5 ot 6 in total could be demanding. She would not just abandon those kids and the new husband must also be a father to them.

I am just saying things I would say if my brother were doing the same thing. I just would not say that it is not my business. Sometimes we have family members that seem to be making the wrong choice and we all just dont turn a blind eye. Note, I am no saying this guy is making a bad choice because I know how nairalanders can miquote people.

Ultimately, the decision is his and I hope he has just considered several things. OP, there is not much you can do apart from supporting and praying for him if that woman is his choice.

Let's not lie pls. Everyone will be concerned especially of this is his first marriage. This is not one child but 3. It will be different if he was a widower himself and they were blending a family. Which I suspect he is not. OP, maybe your brother is seeing benefits that you are yet to understand if he is a young man. Some widows are quite loaded. Because na wa o

Nashville:

Efe, no one says the woman has issues, she might even be an angel. The thing is that fathering three kids is alot these days. I have two and giving them the time, best educaiton and other things can be quite demanding. That is what OP's brother needs to understand and be ready for. If he plans to have two more children with this lady, then that makes five children. In this age, five children no be beans o.

Unless the three children are living with some grandparent or something but if he has to cater for them, then he needs to be ready, financially and most importantly emotionally and needs to understand that his wife's attention is already divided.

It is a big ask and I know we always say things like this are not important, but they sure are. Marriage is not text book theory where questions have one answer, the answers can vary depending on the individual. I just hope OP's brother has considered all these and I believe he has. At the end of the day, the decision is his and his alone but I would not blame the family if they have concerns too.

Believe me, I get what you're saying but my gripe here is that @OP's brother is a fully grown 30 year-old man AND must be aware of what he's getting into. If he was in his early / mid-twenties, then yes, I'll understand the concern.

Some people prefer mature women and some prefer ready-made families. If no-one bats an eyelid about a never-married lady marrying a man with kids from a previous marriage, when then should it cause ripples the other way round?

I've got a colleague at work - about the same age as @OP's brother who's done exactly the same thing. His girlfriend at that time already had 3 kids and I remember asking him why? And guess what his response was? I'd rather get on with a mature woman and a ready made family! and he really has embraced fatherhood. Last time I heard from him, they were expecting a kid of their own - so it really does boil down to choice.

A 30 year old man knows what he wants and doesn't need interfering family members telling him how to live his life, or dictate what his path of happiness should be, just because he chooses to do / live his life different from the 'norm', whatever that is.

andromida:

I am sure the man has put alot of thought into this. Why should the kids be living with granny before the marriage can work? He chose her, is happy with her why are people troubled for them. Why do they assume he does not know what he is doing just because he is not doing what they presume is right.

Well said!

Nashville:

I do not assume he does not know what he is doing, all I have just said is that I understand why the Op is concerned. You find a new couple having one baby, and the husband is already complaining of divided attention. Now a woman with three kids would worry about her kids alot. And having more - say 5 ot 6 in total could be demanding. She would not just abandon those kids and the new husband must also be a father to them.

I am just saying things I would say if my brother were doing the same thing. I just would not say that it is not my business. Sometimes we have family members that seem to be making the wrong choice and we all just dont turn a blind eye. Note, I am no saying this guy is making a bad choice because I know how nairalanders can miquote people.

Ultimately, the decision is his and I hope he has just considered several things. OP, there is not much you can do apart from supporting and praying for him if that woman is his choice.

For all you know, he probably even has fertility issues and this seems the best, face-saving option he's got (assuming we take love out of the equation).

baby_123: Let's not lie pls. Everyone will be concerned especially of this is his first marriage. This is not one child but 3. It will be different if he was a widower himself and they were blending a family. Which I suspect he is not. OP, maybe your brother is seeing benefits that you are yet to understand if he is a young man. Some widows are quite loaded. Because na wa o

Lol!

Now why didn't I think of that?

.

Being a widow is not the big deal here, but marrying a widow with 3 kids is some baggage! Can he afford to take on the burden of taking care of three children plus the ones she will have for him? Is she still young and presentable for a 30 something-year-old guy who has never been married before?
I believe in love and damning the consequence when it comes to love but... Hm, let's be real here, unless your brother or this woman is loaded, e no go easy o, especially when they are not his biological kids. This is like going to the airport with an excess luggage, you need to be prepared to pay! Failure to meet up financially may put a strain on the relationship sooner than later. Besides, it's not all about money, can he be there for them, like a father for real?
Hopefully, the late husband left some things or he has responsible siblings who can take the kids' financial burden off them. All things being equal, you guys should free him, as far as he won't come and beg you guys for food to feed 'em.

What exactly is Y'AWLZ problem with minding your businesses?
Na WETIN consine una?

So?

Let him do what makes him happy!

I appreciate your contributions, but for those that emphasis on criticising the family, let's assume you are the mother or father of this man, what would have being your reaction?
Would you at first hearing, accept his opinion? Let's be sincere please.

To be sincere, if he has not married before, and he's still a 30 years old guy, then, there is cause to be worried by the op and even the parents.

However, @op, are you sure your brother is not marrying this woman out of greediness? Hope it's not because the woman is loaded that he want to marry her? If this is the case, then he may not win, because that woman with three kids must have been highly experienced and matured more than him, which may put a strain on the marriage sooner than later.

All in all, after talking with him, if he still insist, let him go ahead, whatever that comes out of it, he's the one that is going to face it, be it positive or otherwise.


@Nashvile, i support your comments.

Nairalanders are a funny lot

See them sticking to e - rep of 'fairness and a big colourful world' when they will sanction for their own brother for marrying a single mother with one or no kid not to talk of a widow with 3!!

Na so we see am

Na wah oohhhhh

Wats wit all the mind ur business?? So my brother's business is not my business, abi ? Wat of my mother's business or my kids business or even my husband's business is dat none of my business too ?

@ op u r lucky to have a loving family where u guys care about each other.

@ topic, its a big deal, imagine ur own brother dat has been going out wit young girls all of a sudden brings home a madam home.

Its going to be very hard. he will his in laws, And the Woman's ex in law to deal with. The burden of caring fot d kids, and his own kids wen they eventually.

dear pls try ur best to desuade him because wen shit hits the fan he will surely be running back to mama.

pickabeau1: Nairalanders are a funny lot

See them sticking to e - rep of 'fairness and a big colourful world' when they will sanction for their own brother for marrying a single mother with one or no kid not to talk of a widow with 3!!

Na so we see am

Really? How do you know?

My attitude goes as follows: My brother is an adult, he decides for himself!

It is that simple!

Nawaa o.
We Nigerians eeh.

Assuming the said lady is related to Alakija or even come from the same town with GEJ, we will all rephrase our answers.
If its a man widowed with children, we will accept that. But a lady(probably young) who lost her husband and with kids is better off as mistress or she should remain single for the rest of her life.
What hypocrisy!
And we think that marriage is all about poppin out children. She might come without the so called garbage and still make like miserable for them and d hubby. She might meet children and still win award in treating them bad.

If it turns out bad, their mistake.
But then again, she has already been crucified w'out hearing so how can she ever be good?
Men's world.

Poster their life, their choice. Ur only concern is to love them unconditionally.

CC, let's reverse the situation.
Ur sis, told u she want to marry a widower with 3 children, will u object?


Ur bro(a widower)with 3 children told u heqsz want to marry again(not to a widow), will u object.


I m yet to hear d dreaded answer everybody is trying to avoid, so I've rephrased it.

So much 'concern' for the man not knowing what he's getting into - yet no one seems 'concerned' about his happiness.

In my opinion. People that have children should stick with people that have had children too. Please give people who have never had the experience of having their kids with someone who has never had kids the beauty of the experience. Without any outside noise or interference. Entering into a union where there are so many kids involved when one party is yet to have one is a bit unfair on the party without a child in my own opinion. It is a beautiful thing to enter a marriage and not meet any baggage. It is wonderful to enter a marriage and husband and wife experience the joys of pregnancy and birth for the first time together. Marriage is tough enough. Then add so many outside interference of extended family politics because of outside children, the children and their drama against you. Etc. People should learn to choose wisely and understand that you will end up with this for the rest of your life. Men should use condoms and if they want to keep banging without and having multiple kids. When they are ready to get married find a woman with kids too. Girls should also try to use protection. Widows or widowers should marry people with kids. They understand each other better. Similar background and experience with kids. My take.

Na wah for all this - my blood brother's business is not mine business at all. This is marriage we are talking about o, not that he is dating someone while still in Uni. Abeg if your brother, sister, mum or dad decisions are not your business at all, so whose decisions should be your business? Yours alone. The marriage decision is the most important decision anyone will make, and you just claim your immediate family member's decisions are not your business at all. If that is the case may be you should not even attend their wedding at all. Even on the wedding day the priest still asks that if anyone knows any reason why they should not be married, the person should speak now or forever remain silent. The reasons in the case may be different from being a widow, but surely it shows it is more than two people's business.

And for the people playing a gender card, lets be truthful, the answer will be the same. If my sister comes around with a man that has three children, I will equally be worried. The same things apply - may be apart from the financial implication as it is expected that he should be financially capable to take care of his children. But I will be very worried for her as she is already being a mother to 3 children. Someone that should probably thinking of starting her family has three kids to cater for. It is always a big ask as I will wonder if the man is not just looking for a glorified nanny.

On happiness, lets be truthful. Most of us have been in wrong relationships before where others were suprised about the people we were dating or even warned us about their character. Thankfully those relationships didnt end in marriage, so sometimes this thing called love, lust etc can colour people's judgement for a while and by the time they see the reality, it may be too late, if they are already married. I did not know that everyone over 30 could make perfect decisions all the time. If that were the case, we wouldnt need a family section, because everyone will make the right decisions all the time and need no guidance or advice.

~ Ideally, a man and woman wanting to get married should be starters with no kids of their own

~ Ideally, a widow should marry a widower and vice-versa

~ Ideally, a divorcee should marry a divorcee

Who says life is ideal?

Frankly speaking, all this talk about family concern / not minding one's own business is a poor guise for interference and poke-nosing. What's the distinction between genuine concern and outright interference?

Additionally, no one wants to address the issue that the man in question could even have fertility problems and is unable to sire kids of his own. Now, if this be the case, I'd like to know what the views are of those who are currently against the man's decision to marry this widow. If it turns out that this really is the case, then wouldn't it be hypocritical? Or that people are obviously placing this man's happiness above the widow's? Or that it's okay for him to use her to fill his gap??

So because she's a widow, she doesn't deserve to be happy? Who says happiness must be found in ideal situations and has to fit nicely into the nicely dug out round hole, created by societal expectations?

Efemena_xy:
Additionally, no one wants to address the issue that the man in question could even have fertility problems and is unable to sire kids of his own. Now, if this be the case, I'd like to know what the views are of those who are currently against the man's decision to marry this widow. If it turns out that this really is the case, then wouldn't it be hypocritical? Or that people are obviously placing this man's happiness above the widow's? Or that it's okay for him to use her to fill his gap??

So because she's a widow, she doesn't deserve to be happy? Who says happiness must be found in ideal situations and has to fit nicely into the nicely dug out round hole, created by societal expectations?

Why should anyone address the issue of infertility when it has not been stated. Did the poster say her brother was impotent? Why should we assume that or any other assumptions? Or should we also assume he has not job and this woman is heavily loaded? Or that he is very ugly and cannot marry any single girl?

And yes, my brother's happiness is more important to me than a strangers happiness. Unfortunately, that is how the world is, if other people's happiness are more important than yours, then you can go give all your property to the poor while you starve. Or if some notorious armed robber is dating your sister, tell her to marry him, just to make him happy.

And no one says a widow cannot be happy neither has anyone said she doesnt deserve to be married again. But the point you are making that is alarming is that the family have no right to be concerned. No one has said they should throw the widow away but the OP and her family have some reservations about the marriage and it is perfectly understandable - that is the point here.