pickabeau1: Nairalanders are a funny lot

See them sticking to e - rep of 'fairness and a big colourful world' when they will sanction for their own brother for marrying a single mother with one or no kid not to talk of a widow with 3!!

Na so we see am

Twisted.

I dont get why we always imagine that everyone of us have same thought process. Really,there are people who will not care,there are families who do not generally butt into each others business. Its a big world!

@OP,if the widow will make your brother happy,what's your problem? Would you he rather marries your sister?

I have a classmate that got married while we were in sec. school,got widowed when she was 23 and have 4 kids. She went back to school and just finished from the law school. She's still pretty,fit and young.I see guys tripping over her but she's taking her time.Going by some people's logic,it will be a crime for her if she finds love in the arms of a never-been-married guy.

Nash, its the same way everybody will zip their mouth, secretly thank God if she happens to be Jonathan's sister.
Simple truth. No be naija.
We r all concerned now cos we see it as a burden cause she is coming with baggage.
I've seen countless number of widowed men remarry again and society don't frown at that but hell no, its a woman with baggage, we the family members don't want him to suffer hence he don't know what he is in for.

What an unfair world!
Very very unfair.

If he decides to marry a lady who has reached menopause, let him be.

Obasanjo,tinubu,chime, iwuanyanwu, name them, all married pple younger than their first daughter. The families r yet to crucify them. Even those with dead blokos,they still received everybody's blessing, but alas, a widow with three children has a second chance at love and happiness we r already crucifying her.
A man saw her with her baggage and want to hv a family with her, we r here playing God.
We r so hypocritical.

Anyway, I forgot, its a man's world afterall.

^^ Well said!

I couldn't have put it any better. The hypocrisy is mind-boggling.

ifyalways: Twisted.

I dont get why we always imagine that everyone of us have same thought process. Really,there are people who will not care,there are families who do not generally butt into each others business. Its a big world!

Its not by being philosophical here....
Let's be real
Are you one of these same people that don't care
If your blood brother is the one in question wat will you say

Let's see the hypos here

pickabeau1:

Its not by being philosophical here....
Let's be real
Are you one of these same people that don't care
If your blood brother is the one in question wat will you say

Let's see the hypos here

Again, we all are NOT woven from same thread. You care ? Fine but please UNDERSTAND that there are people who will not care. Accept it,embrace it because that is the TRUTH.

Your reality might be surreal to me and vice versa. Grab that cos that's my point.

Nashville:

Why should anyone address the issue of infertility when it has not been started. Did the poster say her brother was impotent? Why should we assume that or any other assumptions? Or should we also assume he has not job and this woman is heavily loaded? Or that he is very ugly and cannot marry any single girl?

And yes, my brother's happiness is more important to me than a strangers happiness. Unfortunately, that is how the world is, if other people's happiness are more important than yours, then you can go give all your property to the poor while you starve. Or if some notorious armed robber is dating your sister, tell her to marry him, just to make him happy.

And no one says a widow cannot be happy neither has anyone said she doesnt deserve to be married again. But the point you are making that is alarming is that the family have no right to be concerned. No one has said they should throw the widow away but the OP and her family have some reservations about the marriage and it is perfectly understandable - that is the point here.

Same way you're assuming the woman will be a burden to the man just because she's got kids.

What makes you think he's not the one actively pursuing her AND knows what he stands to gain from the union? What makes you think the woman even needs him for anything else apart from companionship? How do you know she hasn't got her finances sorted to look after her kids and doesn't need a kobo from the man but the other way round?

How do you know that the guy isn't the one determined to be with her or that he's been with younger girls and chooses maturity over immaturity? Yes there are a lot of assumptions and if it's best if these are looked into with a balanced view rather than from some sort of rose-tinted glasses about what peg holes one's happiness should fit into.

Having said that, it would be interesting to hear what the man in question thinks, rather than @OP's views - afterall, he isn't the one planning on getting married to her is he?

You still haven't answered the question I asked - where do you draw the line between outright meddling / interference and genuine concern?

ifyalways:
Again, we all are NOT woven from same thread. You care ? Fine but please UNDERSTAND that there are people who will not care. Accept it,embrace it because that is the TRUTH.

Your reality might be surreal to me and vice versa. Grab that cos that's my point.

You are still making it about me
I asked If it was your own brother
What will you say

yellowpawpaw: Nash, its the same way everybody will zip their mouth, secretly thank God if she happens to be Jonathan's sister.
Simple truth. No be naija.
We r all concerned now cos we see it as a burden cause she is coming with baggage.
I've seen countless number of widowed men remarry again and society don't frown at that but hell no, its a woman with baggage, we the family members don't want him to suffer hence he don't know what he is in for.

What an unfair world!
Very very unfair.

If he decides to marry a lady who has reached menopause, let him be.

Obasanjo,tinubu,chime, iwuanyanwu, name them, all married pple younger than their first daughter. The families r yet to crucify them. Even those with dead blokos,they still received everybody's blessing, but alas, a widow with three children has a second chance at love and happiness we r already crucifying her.
A man saw her with her baggage and want to hv a family with her, we r here playing God.
We r so hypocritical.

Anyway, I forgot, its a man's world afterall.

Some of us dont need to associate with the Tinubus and Fasholas to have a decent life. We dont need to compromise our personal and religious beliefs for a pot of soup. We may not have 1% of what Tinubu has but we have a decent life and we are happy with it. I will not support selling my sister to Tinubu as a third wife or baby mama. May be you would, but definitely not me. I have only one sister, she is a gynaecologist and earns a decent livelihood; so we dont need Tinubu or Obasanjo. Our greed no reach that level.

Please lets stop all this silly talk of its a man's world. We resort to that when our arguements fail. I have said it before, if my sister were getting married to a widower with three kids, I will be seriously worried. Three kids is a lot financially and emotionally for anyone to carry just like that. What applies to a man also applies to a woman most times so lets stop all the "its a man's world silly arguement". Marriage is a lifetime commitment that requires careful consideration and planning. Its not about making widows or widowers happy or being charitable to the less privileged or making strangers happy.

I agree with pickabeau. The level of hypocrisy on Nairaland can be appauling. For people to say, that their brother's issues is absolutely not their business is wickedness. If you see your brother making an obviously wrong decision, will you just fold your arms and say it is not your business? Even if you can do nothing about it like this case, you would be concerned. All the op has expressed is concern and I dont think that is too much.

Most people here keep saying if it were my brother I would be concerned. Concerned about what exactly? Concerned that your brother does not share your perception of the kind of woman he should marry? Wanting to make it a mistake because of your own fears?

At every stage of life people have challenges. Different for everyone of us so yes he is marrying different from most people he is happy with his own decision so what exactly are you afraid of? Financial challenges or the believe that the woman does not deserve a fresh young man.?or we feel the woman is cheating the man because she has 3 and he never married and no kids so its not fair on him.

Its good we be honest with ourselves and stop covering up with "our concerns" for him because the way I see it its actually about our opinion of how things should be.

The truth is many people have financial challenges,those who have kids together who've been married for donkey years and those just starting their lives together. So when you say "your concerns" do you actually mean your opinion of how things should be.

andromida: Most people here keep saying if it were my brother I would be concerned. Concerned about what exactly? Concerned that your brother does not share your perception of the kind of woman he should marry? Wanting to make it a mistake because of your own fears?

At every stage of life people have challenges. Different for everyone of us so yes he is marrying different from most people he is happy with his own decision so what exactly are you afraid of? Financial challenges or the believe that the woman does not deserve a fresh young man.?or we feel the woman is cheating the man because she has 3 and he never married and no kids so its not fair on him.

Its good we be honest with ourselves and stop covering up with "our concerns" for him because the way I see it its actually about our opinion of how things should be.

The truth is many people have financial challenges,those who have kids together who've been married for donkey years and those just starting their lives together. So when you say "your concerns" do you actually mean your opinion of how things should be.

You deserve a kiss for that statement of yours!

Ok let me tone it down. Agreed everybody can't be iwuanyanwu.
I hv been to, participated in a marriage ceremony btw a widower with children and a young lady or maiden. Its a very common practice in igboland. More than half of men whom their wives died remarried?
So why did we(society)accepted that and c no qualms in it.
Even men whose blokos can't function again still married sweet sixteen.
What then r we talking about?
If we can comfortably accept that,kilode?
Rnt we being hypocritical and biased in our judgement?

This is a free world. Live and let live and believe u me, when it comes to marriage, its strictly a personal thing. Any other thing apart from blessing and showing lv unconditionally is called meddling.
If tomoro I decide to marry a hindu man, my biz so also the guy that want to marry this lady. This is not underage marriage for heavens sake.
Well, it seems like its in some pple's blood to dictate who enters their family.
We don't do that. We only ask u d relevant questions and bless ur union.
If u guys have problem along the line, we endeavour to help u guys patch it up. And if u two decides u can't live together again after we hv been trying to make peace btw u two, u can go ur seperate ways. We don't even have the right to meddle.
Personal life and choice.

Efe, don't worry, somebody will soon open a thread where he will be lamenting that the widowed uncle want to marry again and we will c the comments.

Comments like" u want konji to kill him"
"Who will help him look after his children"
"Abeg he deserves another chance"


I can remember Serubuwan thread when he lost his wife and decided to give love another chance. C outpouring of love!

Efemena_xy:

Same way you're assuming the woman will be a burden to the man just because she's got kids.

What makes you think he's not the one actively pursuing her AND knows what he stands to gain from the union? What makes you think the woman even needs him for anything else apart from companionship? How do you know she hasn't got her finances sorted to look after her kids and doesn't need a kobo from the man but the other way round?

How do you know that the guy isn't the one determined to be with her or that he's been with younger girls and chooses maturity over immaturity? Yes there are a lot of assumptions and if it's best if these are looked into with a balanced view rather than from some sort of rose-tinted glasses about what peg holes one's happiness should fit into.

Having said that, it would be interesting to hear what the man in question thinks, rather than @OP's views - afterall, he isn't the one planning on getting married to her is he?

You still haven't answered the question I asked - where do you draw the line between outright meddling / interference and genuine concern?

I will answer your last question first. It becomes meddling after they get married. I have daughters and when they start dating, I will ask questions about who they are dating and who they want to marry. After they get married, I will stay away and let them make their own decisions. If my daughter is still living under my roof; as a responsible father, I have a responsible to advice her if I think she is making the wrong decision. And if she gives me a good reason why she has taken the decision, then all is well. Even she does not do what I think, I will be at peace because I know I have given her what I think is the best advice. Once she gets married, I will not call her to ask her what is happening to her and her husband. At that point, the two have become one and any kind of meddling is not allowed.

Now you raise very interesting points about the guy standing to gain in the union. If in fact I realise my brother is just marrying the widow for financial gain, then I will even me more disappointed in my brother. In fact if it was my son marrying a widow for financial gain, I will give him a telling off and will never support that marriage. What financial gain does he need from a widow that hard work cannot achieve. We all know that marrying someone for financial gain has consequences. You can play a fast one on someone by getting married for financial gain, but it will be difficult to conceal it for the next 50 years. Or do you think the widow will not find out. That may actually be the case in this family and the siblings are parents are angry he just wants to marry the widow for financial gain. I once had a cousin that wanted to marry an African American for papers. The moment we saw the girl, we all knew all he wanted from her was papers - I will not describe what the girl looked like because it is unfair but the family was against the marriage even though their son seemingly stood to gain something. What is bad is bad and marrying a widow for financial gain is bad and if my brother was doing that, I will tell him to his face that it is bad and has its consequences.

Efe, you are seeing this from a "men vs women" point of view or "how the world has been unfair to women" view. That is your mistake and I think we should be mature here and not act like school kids. We are not judging the widow. It is not her fault she is a widow, in fact she was probably happily married and being the best wife to her husband before tragedy struck. That is not her fault. Does she deserve a second chance? CAPTAL YES. Does she deserve to be happy again? CAPITAL YES. We will all feel for her; but does that mean that as I young man, I should marry her to wipe of her tears and be a husband to her - hell no. Marriage is too complicated for all that.

We are not judging the widow for being a widow. We just want to know the brother fully understands the implications of marrying someone with three kids. The financial and emotional implication, the fact that this is someone that is more mature than him. And if he is marrying her for financial gain or for papers, and he is feeling smart - that also has implications. I will never support my brother marrying a widow because she has money. In fact that is the worst reason of all. For me, it is about making my brother understand the implications of whatever he is doing. The widow might be an angel sef and it is bad if my brother is just trying to take advantage of her.

^^ One thing for sure here, is this: none of us and probably, not even the @OP himself will truly know the reason behind his brother's choice of wife.

Yes, I have no objections to people voicing their concerns - and that's all it should be. Have their say / give their words of advice and leave it at that. The man in question is not a minor living under @OP's roof where he needs to be directed on how to live his life or be dissuaded from his choice.

And that's the key word here - choice. I'm quite certain he knows exactly what / why he wants to marry her. If despite his family's reservations he decides to go ahead with his choice, then they should mature enough to accept and give him their blessings. The world isn't going to suddenly grind to a halt simply because a younger, never-married man decides to marry an obviously older woman with offspring from a previous union.

YPP made some really interesting points and I'll be keen to hear your take on men knocking at death's door still marrying prepubescent / teenage girls as wives. Now if that isn't hypocrisy, I wonder what really is.

Ypp your comment on widower with kids marrying a wife shows and corroborates what Nash is saying

Still a battle of the sexes issue

Yes it Is easier for a widower with 3 to marry a fresh wife than a widow with 3 to marry a fresh husband but that's how it is

pickabeau1: Ypp your comment on widower with kids marrying a wife shows and corroborates what Nash is saying

Still a battle of the sexes issue

Yes it Is easier for a widower with 3 to marry a fresh wife than a widow with 3 to marry a fresh husband but that's how it is

That's how what is?

Explain the bolded part of your sentence jare!

Efemena_xy:

That's how what is?

Explain the bolded part of your sentence jare!

If a woman wanted to marry a widower with kids my concerns will be primarily if she can cope with caring for another woman's kids aside the default of love, god fearing etc bla bla bla

A man?

Can you raise another mans kids

Few men can do it

Let me ask you

If your first son came to you that he wanted to mmarry a widow with 3 kids.. Wat will you say

Efemena_xy:

YPP made some really interesting points and I'll be keen to hear your take on men knocking at death's door still marrying prepubescent / teenage girls as wives. Now if that isn't hypocrisy, I wonder what really is.

I thought the answer was obvious. It is poverty mentality and greed that makes a 22 year old girl marry a 73 year old man. Life is not all about material gain. As I said before, I cannot love-vendor my sisters to the highest bidder. Not a Tinubu, Obasanjo or Anenih, we are not that greedy in my family. Unfortunately, some girls are so damn greedy they will marry a 90 year old man as long as he has money. And their family will support it because of their greed and possibly poverty. We all talk about society being unfair, but who is society? Its all about individuals, their families and their greed. The same family encouraging her to marry the old man knows she will cheat on him and everyone is happy.

Efe, I will ask you a simple question - if your 22 year old sister/daughter says she wants to marry a 62 year old broke widower with three grown up kids. Will you embrace her and tell her that is the best man for her? Please answer me sincerely. Will you support the marriage 100% and not have any reservations? Will you start planning for the marriage the next day?

On choice, poster has just said the family has reservations and I completely agree they should. If he decides to go ahead, of course they will attend and bless the wedding. But I do not agree with your earlier posts that it is strictly no body's business, cos my brother's issues will concern me unless I hate him!

pickabeau1:

If a woman wanted to marry a widower with kids my concerns will be primarily if she can cope with caring for another woman's kids aside the default of love, god fearing etc bla bla bla

A man?

Can you raise another mans kids

Few men can do it

Let me ask you

If your first son came to you that he wanted to mmarry a widow with 3 kids.. Wat will you say

I asked you a question. The least you can do is answer it, rather than get all emotional and turn it into a personal question of what will I do if my child were in that situation.

What did you mean by the statement that's how it is?

How what is?

Efemena_xy:

I asked you a question. The least you can do is answer it, rather than get all emotional and turn it into a personal question of [i]

Efe, I have been answering all the questions you asked me, can you also answer the only question I have asked you in my previous post? I am waiting for your reply.

Nashville:

I thought the answer was obvious. It is poverty mentality and greed that makes a 22 year old girl marry a 73 year old man. Life is not all about material gain. As I said before, I cannot love-vendor my sisters to the highest bidder. Not a Tinubu, Obasanjo or Anenih, we are not that greedy in my family. Unfortunately, some girls are so damn greedy they will marry a 90 year old man as long as he has money. And their family will support it because of their greed and possibly poverty. We all talk about society being unfair, but who is society? Its all about individuals, their families and their greed. The same family encouraging her to marry the old man knows she will cheat on him and everyone is happy.

Do you know the implication of what you're saying here?

Doesn't greed work both ways or it's only women who get greedy, and not the men?

Nashville: Efe, I will ask you a simple question - if your 22 year old sister/daughter says she wants to marry a 62 year old broke widower with three grown up kids. Will you embrace her and tell her that is the best man for her? Please answer me sincerely. Will you support the marriage 100% and not have any reservations? Will you start planning for the marriage the next day?

I have no intention of answering personalized questions.

This issue here is about @OP's brother being potrayed as one with diminished responsibilities / an inability to think for himself, and not about what Efe will do if she were in that situation or not. Typical Nigerian mentality...what will you do if it were you?

Nashville: On choice, poster has just said the family has reservations and I completely agree they should. If he decides to go ahead, of course they will attend and bless the wedding. But I do not agree with your earlier posts that it is strictly no body's business, cos my brother's issues will concern me unless I hate him!

And I've stated countless times that it's fine for them to state their reservations and leave it at that - meaning they should move on! Anything beyond that is meddling. Just because she's a widow with 3 kids doesn't mean the union won't work.

Who's to say young couples with no baggage getting hitched don't hit hard times during their marriages. Some of them never recover and eventually part ways, with immaturity playing a big part in their eventual separation.

Interestingly, this woman, having being there with her experience is probably what he just needs as she'll recognize pit holes from afar and know how to handle and avoid falling into their trap - unlike an inexperienced young couple finding their way through the choppy waters of marriage.

Noticed a trend on here : Why does every discourse resort to Feminism, gender Equality , Battle of sexes etc?

Put yourselves in those hypothetic scenarios : what would you do if it were your Brother or Son ?

The Truth will set you free even tho it could be bitter to spill most times

Efemena_xy:

Do you know the implication of what you're saying here?

Doesn't greed work both ways or it's only women who get greedy, and not the men?

I have no intention of answering personalized questions.

This issue here is about @OP's brother being potrayed as one with diminished responsibilities / an inability to think for himself, and not about what Efe will do if she were in that situation or not. Typical Nigerian mentality...what will you do if it were you?

I agree typical Nigerian mentality. It is easy to say "mind your business" when it is not your family or when it is some nameless person on Nairaland but when it concerns you, you have refused to comment. I have said in my previous post that the advice I have given the poster is exactly what I would do if I were in her shoes. It is obvious you are giving advice you yourself do not believe in. Posters on Nairaland, beware of the kind of advice you get on Nairaland. Here is a typical example of someone that will tell you to do something but she herself will do the exact opposite.

Yes greed works both ways. Both the girl and her family are greedy, including her father giving her away to a rich 80 year old man. The father is as greedy or even more greedy than the girl for him to be selling his daughter for cash!

Ewuro707: Noticed a trend on here : Why does every discourse resort to Feminism, gender Equality , Battle of sexes etc?

Put yourselves in those hypothetic scenarios : what would you do if it were your Brother or Son ?

The Truth will set you free even tho it could be bitter to spill most times

Thank you my person - not sure if you are male or female. You would not hear from them again! Simple question they will not answer but they can give others "good advice".

Nashville:

I agree typical Nigerian mentality. It is easy to say "mind your business" when it is not your family or when it is some nameless person on Nairaland but when it concerns you, you have refused to comment. I have said in my previous post that the advice I have given the poster is exactly what I would do if I were in her shoes. It is obvious you are giving advice you yourself do not believe in. Posters on Nairaland, beware of the kind of advice you get on Nairaland. Here is a typical example of someone that will tell you to do something but she herself will do the exact opposite.

Yes greed works both ways. Both the girl and her family are greedy, including her father giving her away to a rich 80 year old man. The father is as greedy or even more greedy than the girl for him to be selling his daughter for cash!

Nice try Nashville but it won't work

I've stated very clearly that the guy in question is not a minor and I have no issues whatsoever with family / friends / enemies / or whoever voicing their concerns.

Voice your concern and then move on. Give him the respect he deserves to make his own choice. If he chooses to abide with your 'concern' - fine. If he chooses not to, then fine. Na by force??

Now apply that analogy to the question you've been asking me and you've got your answer - unless of course you want me to confirm whether I would PERMIT my family member to go ahead with such union?

Like really? Am I their God??

Nashville:

Thank you my person - not sure if you are male or female. You would not hear from them again! Simple question they will not answer but they can give others "good advice".

Thank you sir. Were dun wo loja but ko she bi lomo.

Later

Efemena_xy:

Nice try Nashville but it won't work

I've stated very clearly that the guy in question is not a minor and I have no issues whatsoever with family / friends / enemies / or whoever voicing their concerns.

Voice your concern and then move on. Give him the respect he deserves to make his own choice. If he chooses to abide with your 'concern' - fine. If he chooses not to, then fine. Na by force??

Now apply that analogy to the question you've been asking me and you've got your answer - unless of course you want me to confirm whether I would PERMIT my family member to go ahead with such union?

Like really? Am I their God??

Now you are changing your story. What you initially said was that it is no body's business, why are you changing it now? All the poster did was voice her concern which we have said is perfectly understandable before you said it is not her business. Your initial post!

Efemena_xy:
Can someone kindly explain to me what the fuss is all about? She was once married and has got kids from the union - normal stuff, so what's the big deal??

If she had no issues from the union up until get late husband's demise, I'm quite certain the story would gave taken a completely different turn as per: Na wa o! Married, no kids, dead husband! Devil work...



None. I'll bet you, he hasn't got a pin on her - just bad belle.

@OP, what's your gripe with the woman? Why not mind your own business?

Live and let live jare.

Efemena_xy:

I asked you a question. The least you can do is answer it, rather than get all emotional and turn it into a personal question of what will I do if my child were in that situation.

What did you mean by the statement that's how it is?

How what is?

I've answered you
Now it seems you are the one turning things
Its society
Its patriarchal
Its the way it is

No man likes to raise another's kids

Is that plain enough for you

Ewuro707:

Thank you sir. Were dun wo loja but ko she bi lomo.

Later

Ol boy, I agree with you 100%. Abeg interprete for Efe, she may not understand the proverb.

Ewuro707: Noticed a trend on here : Why does every discourse resort to Feminism, gender Equality , Battle of sexes etc?

Put yourselves in those hypothetic scenarios : what would you do if it were your Brother or Son ?

The Truth will set you free even tho it could be bitter to spill most times

Some have a rep to uphold

There was a female poster who advocated forgiveness for a woman who slapped her husband

This same poster n many here advocate dievorce when a man eyes his wife not to talk of slap

Nashville:

Now you are changing your story. What you initially said was that it is no body's business, why are you changing it now? All the poster did was voice her concern which we have said is perfectly understandable before you said it is not her business. Your initial post!

No, my story never changed and never will.

My very first statement was asking you lot to explain to me what the fuss was all about - just to make sure I was on the same page.

And yes I still maintain that at the end of the day, having voiced your concerns / fear / hypocrisy (as per pickabue's comments) everyone should then back off and mind their own business.

So what's the change in my stance??