I really can't bring myself not to comment on this topic because it's so close to home.

First, @op and others who have the same thought process, I advice you clear yourself of mental and societal slavery. You have made yourselves believe that the word "widow" automatically translates to a financially wrecked woman looking for where to place her burdens. Not ignoring the fact that it is a reality, look beyond your scope and know some women are pushing themselves and making things work.

I am a "widow" with three kids as well who have conquered societal beliefs and doing well for me and my young kids. I am presently in a relationship where I am even forced to accept gifts from him. I have made it a rule never to allow anyone pay my kids fees or their other expenses.

Being financially "independent" does not in anyway change the fact that I am an emotional being that still wants to be cuddled and loved and give love back or live a normal life again.

Let me assume that I come across the posters brother and we have come to the this stage and I am told I and kids will be a financial burden to him, guess what I will do: WALK AWAY WITH MY HEAD UP, because I am mature enough to know that people like the poster have ruined whatever the two of them think they have from the beginning. Got too many things to worry about than people who don't know what fate lies ahead of them tomorrow.

Note: I strongly support those that think people should learn to MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

PEACE OUT

Pinkycherry: 1000+ likes to you!

You are indeed an inspiration to many out there in similar situations, and don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise

Or feed their insecurity by telling you such bullcrap that in order for your relationship to work, you must send your kids - your flesh and blood whom you carried for 9 months, to their grandparents or other relative in the village on the premises that no sane man will ever dream of bringing up another man's children. Mtcheeew!!

I love the fact that your relationship is on your terms. You are a strong woman and I pray the lord sees you through your endeavour and the progress of your kids. They will forever be a blessing to you, and no stooopid man will ever come between you and your children.

It is well, mami

I have no problem with the OP's concern. They are family. You would always be concerned about their actions if you genuinely love them. My only grouse is the "ALLOW" bit.... Should we allow him marry her? That's not your place...... Maybe your parents but not yours. I don't see anything wrong in questioning his motive and being sure he knows what he is doing and getting into, cos at the end of the day, his life, his rules, his choices.

pinkycherry: I really can't bring myself not to comment on this topic because it's so close to home.

First, @op and others who have the same thought process, I advice you clear yourself of mental and societal slavery. You have made yourselves believe that the word "widow" automatically translates to a financially wrecked woman looking for where to place her burdens. Not ignoring the fact that it is a reality, look beyond your scope and know some women are pushing themselves and making things work.

I am a "widow" with three kids as well who have conquered societal beliefs and doing well for me and my young kids. I am presently in a relationship where I am even forced to accept gifts from him. I have made it a rule never to allow anyone pay my kids fees or their other expenses.

Being financially "independent" does not in anyway change the fact that I am an emotional being that still wants to be cuddled and loved and give love back or live a normal life again.

Let me assume that I come across the posters brother and we have come to the this stage and I am told I and kids will be a financial burden to him, guess what I will do: WALK AWAY WITH MY HEAD UP, because I am mature enough to know that people like the poster have ruined whatever the two of them think they have from the beginning. Got too many things to worry about than people who don't know what fate lies ahead of them tomorrow.

Note: I strongly support those that think people should learn to MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

PEACE OUT

God bless you immensely!!

I've been seeing all sorts of questions thrown around, "what if it was your brother that wants to marry a widow", "what if your 28 yr old brings a 65yr old money bag", "what if your 18yr old brings home a crippled 85yr old pauper", "what if your 16yr old brings home a castrated dog with three legs" blah blah blah. I have long been waiting to see the question,
"What if your sister was the widow with 3 children? Will you stand in the way of her happiness if she brings home a single guy with no kids?"

andromida: Most people here keep saying if it were my brother I would be concerned. Concerned about what exactly? Concerned that your brother does not share your perception of the kind of woman he should marry? Wanting to make it a mistake because of your own fears?

At every stage of life people have challenges. Different for everyone of us so yes he is marrying different from most people he is happy with his own decision so what exactly are you afraid of? Financial challenges or the believe that the woman does not deserve a fresh young man.?or we feel the woman is cheating the man because she has 3 and he never married and no kids so its not fair on him.

Its good we be honest with ourselves and stop covering up with "our concerns" for him because the way I see it its actually about our opinion of how things should be.

The truth is many people have financial challenges,those who have kids together who've been married for donkey years and those just starting their lives together. So when you say "your concerns" do you actually mean your opinion of how things should be.

By the way, how many times can I "like" this post?

ileobatojo:

God bless you immensely!!

I've been seeing all sorts of questions thrown around, "what if it was your brother that wants to marry a widow", "what if your 28 yr old brings a 65yr old money bag", "what if your 18yr old brings home a crippled 85yr old pauper", "what if your 16yr old brings home a castrated dog with three legs" blah blah blah. I have long been waiting to see the question,
"What if your sister was the widow with 3 children? Will you stand in the way of her happiness if she brings home a single guy with no kids?"

You nor go fear the level of what if questions??

Re: Castrated dog with 3 legs - abeg tell me more

Efemena_xy:



You nor go fear the level of what if questions??

Re: Castrated dog with 3 legs - abeg tell me more

Ah! The questions dikwa very serious, I was just preempting the level of the next one na.

pinkycherry: I really can't bring myself not to comment on this topic because it's so close to home.

First, @op and others who have the same thought process, I advice you clear yourself of mental and societal slavery. You have made yourselves believe that the word "widow" automatically translates to a financially wrecked woman looking for where to place her burdens. Not ignoring the fact that it is a reality, look beyond your scope and know some women are pushing themselves and making things work.

I am a "widow" with three kids as well who have conquered societal beliefs and doing well for me and my young kids. I am presently in a relationship where I am even forced to accept gifts from him. I have made it a rule never to allow anyone pay my kids fees or their other expenses.

Being financially "independent" does not in anyway change the fact that I am an emotional being that still wants to be cuddled and loved and give love back or live a normal life again.

Let me assume that I come across the posters brother and we have come to the this stage and I am told I and kids will be a financial burden to him, guess what I will do: WALK AWAY WITH MY HEAD UP, because I am mature enough to know that people like the poster have ruined whatever the two of them think they have from the beginning. Got too many things to worry about than people who don't know what fate lies ahead of them tomorrow.

Note: I strongly support those that think people should learn to MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

PEACE OUT

Thanks for sharing your personal experience and I am happy you have moved on and made progress after such a tragedy. This whole argument is not about judging widows. In fact the family's concerns may be to your benefit because we see everyday young Nigerian boys marrying 70 year old white women - may be for love, may be for money who knows. But the point I choose not to access is that fact that once you have a child that turns 18, any decision they make after that is entirely their business. Please read through my earlier post.

Nashville:
Now you raise very interesting points about the guy standing to gain in the union. If in fact I realise my brother is just marrying the widow for financial gain, then I will even me more disappointed in my brother. In fact if it was my son marrying a widow for financial gain, I will give him a telling off and will never support that marriage. What financial gain does he need from a widow that hard work cannot achieve. We all know that marrying someone for financial gain has consequences. You can play a fast one on someone by getting married for financial gain, but it will be difficult to conceal it for the next 50 years. Or do you think the widow will not find out. That may actually be the case in this family and the siblings are parents are angry he just wants to marry the widow for financial gain. I once had a cousin that wanted to marry an African American for papers. The moment we saw the girl, we all knew all he wanted from her was papers - I will not describe what the girl looked like because it is unfair but the family was against the marriage even though their son seemingly stood to gain something. What is bad is bad and marrying a widow for financial gain is bad and if my brother was doing that, I will tell him to his face that it is bad and has its consequences.

Efe, you are seeing this from a "men vs women" point of view or "how the world has been unfair to women" view. That is your mistake and I think we should be mature here and not act like school kids. We are not judging the widow. It is not her fault she is a widow, in fact she was probably happily married and being the best wife to her husband before tragedy struck. That is not her fault. Does she deserve a second chance? CAPTAL YES. Does she deserve to be happy again? CAPITAL YES. We will all feel for her; but does that mean that as I young man, I should marry her to wipe of her tears and be a husband to her - hell no. Marriage is too complicated for all that.

We are not judging the widow for being a widow. We just want to know the brother fully understands the implications of marrying someone with three kids. The financial and emotional implication, the fact that this is someone that is more mature than him. And if he is marrying her for financial gain or for papers, and he is feeling smart - that also has implications. I will never support my brother marrying a widow because she has money. In fact that is the worst reason of all. For me, it is about making my brother understand the implications of whatever he is doing. The widow might be an angel sef and it is bad if my brother is just trying to take advantage of her.

Hmmmm.....

OP, give us feedback on the outcome

@Efemena and @ileobatojo, I say Amen. Thanks.

@Nashville, I get you. Motives are very important in all decisions we make in life. Let's also know that our belief systems, our deep rooted mentalities can also shape our reactions.

Do you believe someone has actually questioned my near always cheerful and playful mood because he views widows should always look downcast and forsaken?

He forgets that whatever attitude I put up "happy" or "sad" will rub off greatly on my kids and how they handle tough situations.

Imagine if that person finds himself in this
situation in whatever role? His thought process is already skewed.

My dear, let's allow people be. Look at each situation based on its peculiar merits and de-merits rather than what we generally belief is right or wrong.

pinkycherry:
My dear, let's allow people be. Look at each situation based on its peculiar merits and de-merits rather than what we generally belief is right or wrong.

Pure excellence!!

Seems the topic has morphed into something else and normal familial concern is now politically incorrect and should be deemed as intrusive


@pinkycherry I dont have any issue with widows. It still does not mean one should not perform due dilligence in a relationship.
All the best

@pickabeau1, one love. I love my family and will look out for them within my limits.


My point is let us show our non-intrusive dis-approval based on fundamental issues like: the woman having serious anger issues, not yet emotionally stable(depression or mood swings) because of her previous experience, proved fertility issues because the man has a right to his own kids if he wants them(if he does not believe in adoption), the woman not ready to take up any financial responsibilities etc and not based on the fact that "she is a widow with three kids" as the poster said.

pinkycherry: @pickabeau1, one love. I love my family and will look out for them within my limits.


My point is let us show our non-intrusive dis-approval based on fundamental issues like: the woman having serious anger issues, not yet emotionally stable(depression or mood swings) because of her previous experience, proved fertility issues because the man has a right to his own kids if he wants them(if he does not believe in adoption), the woman not ready to take up any financial responsibilities etc and not based on the fact that "she is a widow with three kids" as the poster said.

Thanks for your response
This I agree with..

Happy sunday

Live and let live
Happy married life to them

LOL. NairaJokeland

Ewuro707: LOL. NairaJokeland

Welcome back.

This is indeed Jydo babe!

Girlie, welcome back!
Ur hood missed u o!

@Ile, u too much!

Remaining Debrief.
Hope she heals well.

^^ 'Grief' don blur your vision.

Where you see Jidegirl & Debrief??

Hahahahaha!!!
Efe,left moi alone

Ask Ileabatojo.
Its her handwork

I miss them naw.

yellowpawpaw: Hahahahaha!!!
Efe,left moi alone

Ask Ileabatojo.
Its her handwork

I miss them naw.

Who me?

I know nothing!

End time things

Thanks all,@pinkycherry i am sorry about your experience may almigty God continue to empower you. You also need to understand my point,
first it's not a matter of low mentallity or societal slavery as you have portrayed it, we are one family and this particular issue is new to us, remember, i personally do not have any problem with the widow nor have i told him not to marry her and i know that after everything decission is his. if i am the one making such decission, he (my brother) and other family member will probably interfere because they have not seen such a thing before and also to make sure that i understand what i am geting into or will you expect them to ganerally accept it without showing any concern. We all sometimes make mistake for the fact, no one is perfect. And lastly madam, if it's your son (i don't pray for that) will you accept it without showing any consern?

.

EzeJustme: Thanks all,@pinkycherry i am sorry about your experience may almigty God continue to empower you. You also need to understand my point,
first it's not a matter of low mentallity or societal slavery as you have portrayed it, we are one family and this particular issue is new to us, remember, i personally do not have any problem with the widow nor have i told him not to marry her and i know that after everything decission is his. if i am the one making such decission, he (my brother) and other family member will probably interfere because they have not seen such a thing before and also to make sure that i understand what i am geting into or will you expect them to ganerally accept it without showing any concern. We all sometimes make mistake for the fact, no one is perfect. And lastly madam, if it's your son (i don't pray for that) will you accept it without showing any consern?

You have acted well and I see no wrong in what you did. If it were my brother i would most definitely be concerned and would have a word or two with him to make sure he understands what he wants to get into. It's not an ideal situation and the people saying to mind one's business are just plain unrealistic.... Why shouldn't I have reservations? Even if she's an angel sent from Heaven we still have to prove every relationship. You have a right to express your concerns, but ultimately the decision is your brothers so don't push your boundaries. Lets all learn to stay within our boundaries

@EzeJustme, on a lighter note, If I am given query for being on nairaland this morning, na you go answer am oo.

To your question: if I decide to re-marry tomorrow,be it as it may it's a man(someone's son, brother, uncle,etc) that I will marry, and my son down the line finds himself in this situation, what moral justification do I have to show out right dis-approval. I will call him as a mother to a son, let him know the challenges involved, what needs to be talked about, how I resolved it and let him make his decision.

Even the best of socially acceptable relationships have their problems. May God help us all.

pinkycherry: @EzeJustme, on a lighter note, If I am given query for being on nairaland this morning, na you go answer am oo.

To your question: if I decide to re-marry tomorrow,be it as it may it's a man(someone's son, brother, uncle,etc) that I will marry, and my son down the line finds himself in this situation, what moral justification do I have to show out right dis-approval. I will call him as a mother to a son, let him know the challenges involved, what needs to be talked about, how I resolved it and let him make his decision.

Even the best of socially acceptable relationships have their problems. May God help us all.

10/10!

Nice one.... just wondering why earlier you said It was none of your business...

Have a nice day at work!

pinkycherry:

Note: I strongly support those that think people should learn to MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

PEACE OUT

pinkycherry: I will call him as a mother to a son, let him know the challenges involved, what needs to be talked about, how I resolved it and let him make his decision.

EzeJustme, there is your answer. Now you know that you and your family have done nothing wrong as any rational person will do the same. We are not advocating you force your opinions on your brother, but you have a responsibility to watch out for your brother or son. People on Nairaland may not care who your brother marries because it is not their business and it would have no effect on their lives, but they will sure care who their brother or son marries. So you should care who your own brother marries too.

Funny how some people claim we should all mind our business. But these same people have been in the family section giving advice for years now. If they really believed everyone should mind their business, then they wouldnt even be on Nairaland giving any advice as it would not be their business. Several other women initally (on page 1) said they would be concerned including Chaircover, GreatGod, Candy, bebe2, Baby123, but the gender warriors immediately played the gender card by saying if the roles were reversed. This is not about judging women but about looking out for your brother which you should.

PEACE OUT!

Lmao @ some people desperately trying to pretend this topic is something that it's not. Abeg, let me refresh people's memory jare.

EzeJustme: Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

On another hilarious note, the flip flopping that has gone on in this thread knows no part 2!

EzeJustme: Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

Widows ar even more matured&experienced interms of marriage&raising kids.D dude knws wot attributes he saw in d widow dat made him leav al d single ladies out there 2want 2settle 4her

ileobatojo: Lmao @ some people desperately trying to pretend this topic is something that it's not. Abeg, let me refresh people's memory jare.

On another hilarious note, the flip flopping that has gone on in this thread knows no part 2!

Gosh!

Your attention to detail is commendable! How could one forget his initial post?

EzeJustme: Please i need advise,
my elder brother wants to marry a widow with three male children and none of my family member is in support of him and the matter is creating serrious problem in the family.
should we allow him to marry her?

It's so easy for the male gender warriors and instigators to back-track from their hardlined, non-negotiable stance (a.k.a. will not allow) to the softer touch (a.k.a. 'innocent' concern) when the heat's turned on them.



@OP: I think you better come back here and clarify what you meant by this initial post of yours:

a.) How exactly did all of your family members show their non-support of your brother? And why were all of them against his decision? I mean if you said some of my family members had reservations then we would have seen the angle you were coming from...but for you to state very clearly in black-and-white that all of them were against his choice of partner, then that very clearly tells anyone that the decision had already been made. So, based on what??

b.) You went on to say the matter is creating serious problems. For whom? Who is the matter creating serious problems for and why? Seeing as they aren't the ones planning to get married to her?


c.) Then you go on to end this post of yours asking the general public (which as you know constitutes people from all works of life / backgrounds - including your 'dreaded' widows) whether your family should ALLOW your brother marry this woman? How, if you don't mind my asking, do you lot plan on 'allowing' or disallowing a grown a$$ed 30 year-old man from marrying a woman of his choice?

It doesn't take a genius to see that you've more or less put on trial, judged and condemned this woman for being a widow - and nothing else. Nowhere in your post did I see you use the word concern as you now claim to be 'concerned'.

I'm sure you're a Christian - what does your bible tell you about God's wrath on those who maltreat widows? (mind you, this doesn't have to be outright physical maltreatment)

Listen eh, no one knows what tomorrow holds in store for us and for you to say your brother's plans on getting married to this woman is creating serious problems, is obviously because she's a widow abi? Na your type dey paint widows as 'untouchables' and now you claim you lot aren't judging her? No one lives forever and tragedy is no respector of age, sex, background or creed. To judge someone so vehemently by uttering hurtful words such as: we're totally against, we will not allow, their proposed union is causing serious problems... is downright insensitive and grossly unfair.

So yeah, don't be surprised people see through the veil and call you out on your claims, in defence of the poor widow.

FACT: You do not allow or disallow a grown man from making his choice. Doing so = you being told to mind your own business.

FACT: No one is against you or your family members having reservations or concerns. It is allowed but after you've stated your stance = you move on.