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I'm A Mother Of 2 Boys, And I Can't (and Won't) Support Feminism / Girls night out discussions / 11-yr-Old Girl Gets Pregnant For Five Boys (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by netotse(m): 8:37pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
kai...I have missed o 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:41pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
Ewuro4: I was thinking about that too, imagine her bringing home some guy who is 10 years older I will ask plenty plenty questions o |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 8:46pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
naijababe: Babe the point is they are not even wired to fall in love with such age gap. My kindergartener only converses, will invite, play dates with a first grader at home and in school. The first question they (not even me) asks new neighbours is 'what grade are you'? If we have older kid over, everybody play seperately. That's how strict their orientation is. No freaking way. Hypergamy is soo old school jare. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 8:53pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
naijababe: Aunty kile mean Just joking though ,my mum did plenty investigation and asked questions on why hubby had not had a serous relationship that led to marriage in his 30's(she and my dad got married in their 20's). Guess sometimes you can't always help who your child falls for. However I rarely ever remember the age gap to be honest .its my mum that says ' o baje sha won no she ba oko e Soro shakala to won ba biyin ni ile kana broda lo ba ma pe' meaning see how you talk to your husband de you know you will be calling him uncle if he was your relative' |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 9:00pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
I don't think it's a matter of old school or new school jare. Most or all of my parents friends who they went to sec school/ALevels/Uni with have a very small age gap difference.Almost all of them married their university or sec chool sweethearts. You should have seen them all gisting about their great ife(not OAU) or UI days when we had family functions.Those who went to university in the late 60's &70's tended to marry their age mates.My mum said girls who dated older men or sugar daddies were generally looked down on. All of them started life together from the bottom, when my dad married my mum they did not have a sofa. My mum bought her first brand new car before my dad as she worked in a parastatal and they gave them Car Loan earlier. Dare say I hypergamy is worse in the younger generation in Nigeria. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 9:04pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
naijababe: Kath is actually older than william |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 9:11pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
tearoses: Two years or so, that is nothing o but 10 years, walahi I will ask questions jare damiso: There was an 8 year gap between my first serious boyfriend and I. Dami, it was no picnic...........half the time I conversed with his friends in English because I did not want to call 'em brother and many of them took offence citing my lack of manners as they all knew why I conversed in English. Omo, i dunno jare, each to his own. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 9:17pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
naijababe: Indeed.. Which is why I say it's down to the actual individuals involved. I also think anything over 10 years is a bit of a stretch but some people do make it work. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 9:23pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
Dami we are old school jare Times have changed. I'm always tempt to give this one a hard head knock but always hold back coz of his age.(thinking in my head if I can talk like that to my brother of same age). It's somewhat awkward jare compared to our current environment trend. I guess we have to blame it on our culture and upbringing. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 9:25pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
tearoses: So is Michelle but that's another topic for another day. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 9:27pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
naijababe: 8 years , you get liver oh I'm too asha (mouthy) for an older man. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 9:29pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
damiso: Not easy, my hubby and did our masters degrees asoso level in different cities. One time he came visiting and one of my class mates who is married to a guy 15 years her senior at a point told me that she wished she had married someone closer to her age bracket. I asked her why and she said she liked the fact we talked and acted like padis. That was apparently one aspect of her relationship she wished she could change but powerless to do so. Like I said before, each to his own. Ewuro4: It was not the easiest relationship, his youngest sibling was older than me by about two years and expected me to call her sister, imagine o and I never marry her brother..............na so I just vex waka one day jare and to this day he still tells me he he did not believe I was serious when I said I was gonna waka |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 9:30pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
Dami you're right my parents are 3 years apart too. Infact all my uncles and Aunts married their age mates. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by ORALL: 9:31pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
I can't just imagine my son,bringing home one old and wear away cargo as his wife to be,..unless of course. Their wedding is gonna hold when am dead... The younger the better,the younger the sweeter,the younger the hotter Let's take our own omotola for example,assuming she got married at this her age,we all know how fat she will look,especially if she now puts to bed...there will be no more beauty in her,or oshiomole and patience jonathan as couple ewwwww... |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 9:44pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
Ewuro4: Hypergamy or marrying for status as TV on the part of the woman is more prevalent in the younger generation. Of course the older generation saw 'potential' as well but the women at that time did not mind starting from the bottom and building up together. That said a couple of women in that generation got betrayed after struggling and starting together with their men only for them to be traded for newer models after the men made it or became comfortable Some maybe the younger generation have just decided to just be the 'newer model' no more 'surulere' Na 'olorunsogo' dey now . |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 11:21pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
ORALL: Lol Who be dis 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 11:23pm On Jul 29, 2015 |
damiso: Note you are speaking in the context of the westerners East the gap has always been solid It's just reducing now... |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by thorpido(m): 6:47am On Jul 30, 2015 |
damiso:@bolded,i hear this often from single girls especially those who may have heard stories from moms or aunts.I just don't know if those who seek the 'olorunsogo' are fulfilled at the end of it all.They won't be that 'new model' at some point in time. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by innervoice(m): 8:13am On Jul 30, 2015 |
TV01: She has to have it all before I even consider dating her. I am not her father so I will not wait and watch her grow up The only thing we can do is grow old TOGETHER. Since your main criterion is youth, continue raising your wife My bad, I didn't realise that intelluct is a function of age or experience - or that is the main ingredient of a successful marriage. No, youth is You are struggling ! On the internet you can be anything Impotence will come - I will welcome it sef. Even if it doesn't, by the time my wife gets menopausal, I will be willing to relegate sex to a smaller role as appropriate. Who told you that the woman's libido will decrease after menopause? It even increases for SOME women after menopause. And of course my wife was mad desperate to marry me - I'm a catch, and she didn't want to lose me to the hordes of other women that were looking to shunt her from pole position . What a beautiful invention the internet is for people who need some validation. 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 9:17am On Jul 30, 2015 |
pickabeau1: Eastern and western Nigeria you mean abi? Yes I guess so. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by damiso(f): 9:32am On Jul 30, 2015 |
thorpido: That's why I was telling Pickabeau that children one way or the other imbibe certain values on what they feel the marriage institution should be from the marriage of their parents or older people around them. This could be negative or positive. As for the olorunsogo bit, that's what happens when marriage turns transactional( what can I get from this union and the men too are not any less guilty) and I wonder too if there will be fulfilment in the long run. I guess what can termed as fulfilment varies from person to person. At the end of the day though its left to you and your partner to fashion out what you want from your marriage. I have aunties who snicker at the use of the word 'our house' or 'or car' their mantra is never ever ever reveal or share your finances with any man.If you want to buy a house buy it in your name or your kids name(that is a model that I like sha).If he buys a house in Ikorodu you too buy your own in Gbagada. All you keep hearing is 'my house his house'. And I don't blame them to a certain extent. I understand it sef but I will not build a house behind my husbands back. If it gets to that extent where I feel have to do that I think it would be better to stop deceiving ourselves that we are married and just go our separate ways. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 9:54am On Jul 30, 2015 |
Men, I hope you've read and digested. Please be clear, I am not being prescriptive, not demanding you adhere to my theory or forcing my viewpoint on you. I am merely sharing or at most suggesting possibilities. My first demand of men has always been that "you take responsibility". Whatever you do, be that you swallow it wholesale, tailor and apply accordingly, or dismiss it out of hand, that’s your right, responsibility though, lies squarely with you. Having posted part 1, I think I erred in trying to respond to all rejoinders, especially as many were plain strawmen and others driven by vested interests or not really related, or deserving of a response. Following up part 2, I will do two things; 1. Respond to specific worthwhile questions and challenges from men, 2. Coalesce points that are worth expounding on from the wider audience. But first let me say this; I could shorten this for you and simply say thus; be a God-fearing spirit led man and be sure to marry someone of similar bent. Or this; be a GFSLM and marry a woman who is stongly socialised culturally, or religiously, to honour marriage, and/or is clear that she is willing for, and expects you to lead. That will work - and work well for some, however, you still have to understand and manage the dynamic to maximise your enjoyment of the marriage. So first up; I'll say a bit more on hypergamy Ewuro4: damiso: Believe the above at your peril. Hypergamy is and has been universal. What kept it in check was societal conventions and morés. driven largely by culture and religion. Hypergamy is not new, has not gone away, is not restricted to peculiar generations of women, or present only in isolated or random countries. What has changed is the morés and conventions keeping it in check. And not only is it not yet a big deal in Nigeria - although it increasing - the West is the best place to look to see it in all its glory. Feminism has done such a good work that it is now clearly institutionalised - and at play whenever men and women engage. In a simple sense, hypergamy is just women availing themselves of sex (ideally with the best available men) - leading to children and provision for themselves and said offspring. Historically they got this, but were constrained - as above - from not fulfilling their part of the deal. They did get provision - and children, and the men got children and sex in a monogamous relationship. Divorce and single motherhood, were frowned upon and stigmatised, and came with at a cost to the woman and her family. Now a woman can marry you, have children for you and with "no fault divorce" decide she's wants out. And she will be allowed out, and allowed to keep the home you at least in part – if not wholly - paid for, and your children - you will get to keep providing. Deal? Hypergamy is entrenched in the law - and you are subject to it. Choose wisely. Funny isn't it, divorce and single motherhood are no longer an issue. And why should they be? With hypergamy legally codified, women still get their end of the bargain. You lose. Not only can she have you forcibly removed from your home, she can prevent you seeing your children - even if the courts order it - and if she decides to be particularly spiteful, have you queried on domestic violence and child abuse allegations. Historically - and prior to testing being available - we had what was termed "presumed paternity". Any child born to a married couple was presumed to be fathered by the husband. And in the event of divorce, the father as the main provider got custody. Not any more. Did you know that there are moves afoot to stop presumed fathers DNA testing for confirmation of paternity? Unless they have the mothers permission. Did you know that even if you test and the child is not yours judges can, and have, ordered such men to pay support - in one case even when the childs real father was living with the mother? On a larger scale, the benefits that single mothers receive, where do you think they come from? Yes, the government - by way of men in the form of taxes. The welfare state is largely a transfer of wealth from men to women and children. Please choose wisely. Once you are in, she holds all the aces and you've little chance of prevailing if things turn ugly. The women claiming hypergamy ain't a thing are probably well intentioned and great wives I'm sure, but I'm not certain they are best placed to advise men. TV 4 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 10:58am On Jul 30, 2015 |
damiso: Yep |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by coogar: 2:03pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
TV01: i reiterate......which is which? yetunde bust line vs youngies? |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by ApexTitan(m): 3:13pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
TV be preaching it on here lately. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 4:05pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
TV01: Watch out for part 2 |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by thorpido(m): 5:27pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
damiso:@bolded should be it.There should be trust and when it is destroyed then both prties have no business being together.I wouldn't stop my wife building a house in her own name but it shouldn't be something she will do behind my back. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Ewuro4: 6:00pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
damiso: Youre right, it's a reigning trend among younger generation (Late 70s-90s group) ... I said this before, the upcoming generation (21st century) will be different this time. Let's wait and see. TV01... I'm not gonna drag it with you when your our princess introduce her age mate to you as her fiancé, hold your hand back you hear? Please pray tell me , where and who among public figures in the western world married for financial status except gold-diggers. Royal families dont even marry for status. It's going extinct and so shall it be. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by ApexTitan(m): 6:19pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
I've noticed that the word hypergamy has been cropping up a lot here on NL. Female hypergamy isn't just entirely about women marrying older men but refers to the much broader concept of the dualistic nature of the female sexual strategy. That is, the womans attempts in satisfying her need for attracting the most genetically endowed mates for immediate gratification against the need for securing one who can provide for her and her offsprings in the long term. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by debosky(m): 6:56pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
Men have little to fear really. . . .if you marry a rapacious plague who just wants to extract value from you, it's all on you bro. Besides, I don't buy all of this 'women holding all the cards' business. Whether or not men admit it, married or divorced or otherwise, women do carry out majority of the parental responsibility so why won't the person who takes care of the kids more get custody more often than not? Men, in general, earn more, and have become socialised to think they 'should' earn more than their wives - with all the negative effects of women being paid less than men even when doing the same jobs etc. The reality most men need to face is that there is nothing inherently higher earning about men - at least for most people not involved in physical exertion to earn a living. Your wife earning more/paying a bigger share of bills doesn't necessarily make you less of a 'man' - it's all dependent on your spouse. If your ego can't handle it, do as TV said and marry a lower paid/lower potential woman, preferably not the type that will leave you and take your hard earned money. 2 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 7:22pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
debosky: Your first statement sounds contradictory You say I have nothing to fear yet you say its all on me if I am unfortunate to get a wealth plunderer who uses laws to extract my wealth That is why I have to fear 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by netotse(m): 7:28pm On Jul 30, 2015 |
debosky: boss...this one that you are posting here, what changed? |
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