morenike23:
It's only my mum that knws that am engagedd,am just in 300l.hav tried to confuse him to wait,buh he insist now that we shuldd do intro and don't knw how to confuse him to wait afta the intro...

You don't sound very sure of what you intend doing, 300 level is not that early for marriage but your worry concerning your dad shows you aren't ready. I was in my Year 1 the first time I told my dad that am set to get married . He wanted to start telling me on how young and yadah yadah yadah, i had to quickly remind him how old he was when he got married, cited examples and won him over( though it was after I told him the age of the suitor), he wanted to be sure am not conned into marriage . I don't know your relationship with your dad, am very close to mine and we can discuss like peers, so it wasn't hard for me. By the second semester, wedding plans has commenced, sooo...


He raised the issue of not wanting me to drop out from school because of marriage but my confidence alone couldn't let them resist my request , i seemed so sure of myself .

@Godmystrength, why are you waiting till weekend to discuss with the young lady?

alutacontinua:
@Godmystrength, why are you waiting
till weekend to discuss with the young lady?

I get home very late
and i will also have to wake up very early to leave for work. I don't
think it is a kind of discussion that can be rushed over. And i don't
want to discuss half way to avoid her getting prepared for the
continuation. right now, they all have a false sense of security... or what do you think?

Godmystrenght. Wow! Just wow! Hmmmmmmmm. I actually wanted to keep quiet about this your issue, but you are such a nice and "innocent" lady. I couldn't just get it off me cos I knew there was more to what you were being told.

I'm glad you are now getting to see your hubby for who he really is. He is very very manipulative. And he has so much time to cleverly think through his plans and carry them out. He must have brought himself so low for the maid's sister to be insulting him like that. The lady must have "seen him finish". A man; someone's husband and father. . .smh

I'm sorry, but this is the time to bare the whole truth. So, i'm going to be very blunt with you. Are you sure your hubby did not rap£ that maid? He comes off as a serial cheat and one who could take advantage of anyone "below" him. Please, you really do have to have a long talk with that girl. She knows what your hubby is capable of much more than you do. Trust me. If you've been nice to her, she will spill, both the ones your hubby did to her and the ones he might have done to other people she knows.

He stated he made advances at your maid's sister and you swept it under the carpet? How could you do that? How could that even strike you as a joke or something to not be worried about? I'm sorry again, but you seem to come across as quite naive and way too complacent.

This is both of you's home and your marriage. Your hubby has as much responsibility to keeping that home as you do. It is time to make him take responsibility. Your hubby is being irresponsible to say the least. Are you sure he hasn't even been ripped off some cash in this blackmail?

Your hubby knows you too well. He knows you will prolly not do much anyways. So he can get away with pretty much anything. You have been way too relaxed about the things he does that he has become very comfortable in his ways.

I still think all this can be sorted out, but you will have to be very very tough. The earlier you start sorting things out, the better. Your marriage is still very young. This is the time to build a solid foundation with everyone knowing their limits and boundaries. Don't think you are being a good wife and "keeping your home" by being soft. You will not achieve much with a hubby like yours. Years to come, you may regret not taking the appropriate action as and at when due. This is your home and marriage. You should do all it takes to keep it and enjoy it even if it means doing it the tough way. This your hubby does not need kids gloves.

Yet again, sorry for being blunt. Just had to get it off my chest so I can sleep well this night.

I can't really type epistle now but going by all your posts especially this last one, this is what I have to say:

1. If I were you, I will take hubby's word with a pinch of salt. All this seems like a calculated attempt to cover up his tracks. He has really messed up and surely knows how to wrap you around his fingers.
2. He needs to pick up a paid employment immediately. Let him know his been idle is not helping matters, with his kind of personality he needs to be fully engaged.
3. Let him know that if he refuses to go for paid employment, then you guys don't need a nanny. He should be ready to take care and babysit since he has much time on his hands. You need to cut costs and stop footing avoidable bills.
4. The last thing you should agree to is him hand-picking the next maid.

I am really pissed sha. May God teach you how to handle this you really need a big dose of wisdom. I also think you may need to talk to your maid's sister. She seems to have guts and I think its likely she comes out with the true situation.

Do take care.

@Phema- going through my post, i never said i took it as a joke or swept it under the carpet. I learnt about all of these same day and time. This weekend. My silence doesn't mean i am naive sha. I just want to be sure i am about taking the right steps.

Godmystrength:
I get home very late
and i will also have to wake up very early to leave for work. I don't
think it is a kind of discussion that can be rushed over. And i don't
want to discuss half way to avoid her getting prepared for the
continuation. right now, they all have a false sense of security... or what do you think?

you'e quite composed and cool-headed, I have to say!
someone like me would not even go to church on Sunday, Infact, no sleep that night until I get to the bottom of the whole issue.

If you know you won't loose your mind before weekend, then, it's all good.
As you said, it'll even make them more relaxed.

Godmystrength:
@Phema- going through my post, i never said i took it as a joke or swept it under the carpet. I learnt about all of these same day and time. This weekend. My silence doesn't mean i am naive sha. I just want to be sure i am about taking the right steps.

Oh, he told you this during the "confession"? So he confessed to making advances at the maid and also the sister on saturday? Hmmmmmmmm. Sorry for calling you naive. I was quite pissed.

You will come out of this stronger. Just take your time, think things through and make the right move. God be with you.

alutacontinua:
someone like me would not even go to church on Sunday, Infact, no sleep that night until I get to the bottom of the whole issue.

You don't want to know what I would have done. Even for issues that people consider as non-issues, I've to soak myself in a cold water bath (make I no go explode) and use a clip over my lips. If not. . .

She's such a rare gem.

[quote
author=Phema post=27142888]

Oh, he told you this during the "confession"? So he confessed to making
advances at the maid and also the sister on saturday? Hmmmmmmmm. Sorry
for calling you naive. I was quite passed.

You will come out of this stronger. Just take your time, think things
through and make the right move. God be with you. [/quote]yes he said/confessed all those on saturday. Now i don't know if confession is because of maid or her sister or both of them...

Phema:


You don't want to know what I would have done. Even for issues that people consider as non-issues, I've to soak myself in a cold water bath (make I no go explode) and use a clip over my lips. If not. . .

She's just an rare gem.

a dindinrin that can't see clearly you meant to say

Phema:


You don't want to know what I would have done. Even for issues that people consider as non-issues, I've to soak myself in a cold water bath (make I no go explode) and use a clip over my lips. If not. . .

She's just an rare gem.

a dindinrin that can't see clearly you meant to say

Godmystrength:
@Phema- going through my post, i never said i took it as a joke or swept it under the carpet. I learnt about all of these same day and time. This weekend. My silence doesn't mean i am naive sha. I just want to be sure i am about taking the right steps.

@ Godmystrength, pls do not let all this affect your career, I have seen a nos of promising women develop career issues due to marital poo. Once you get to the office, try and blank out on marital issues till you close for the day. So maybe it's a good thing to wait till weekend.

@hispinkolo and Phema have said much of what is on my mind but to add to it, trust your instinct on this matter. A woman's instinct hardly goes wrong in matters like this. You also need to take charge. Whatever you do now will set a precedent for the future.

It is well with ur family.

Godmystrength:
Yes, he said/confessed all those on saturday. Now i don't know if confession is because of maid or her sister or both of them...

I guess both of them. But wait oooo, who makes a pass at a lady and her sister at the same time frame? And her sister has a boyfriend ooo, which his aware of.

Anyways, please, don't get yourself too worked up. Take calculated decisions and this time, be a step ahead of hubby. Pele dear. It can't be easy.

menme:



a dindinrin that can't see clearly you meant to say


a dindinrin that can't see clearly you meant to say

thanks for
telling me what ''i already know''. You didn't have to say that twice. I
already got the message the first time

@Godmystrength, the LORD is truly going to strengthen you, guide you & fill you with wisdom in this time.

So saddening. Extremely annoying.

Try to be more alert of everything happening around you. Your husband is not responsible. Don't handle this situation as if you were dealing with a reasonable, responsible, knowledgeable or disciplined person. He is not any of these, (Pardon my choice of words). The confession was staged to prevent something he feared would have a worse impact. He is not a single bit remorse. NOW is the time to react. Get very mad & angry at/with him. Talk rudely. Respond rudely. Make random decisions without his consent. Put your foot down. Be harsh. (Only do this when you're both alone & not in the presence of the maid.)

You've got nothing with/on the maid. She also sees how ignorant you're about all that has transpired. This makes you vulnerable to her. Don't depend on her for information about your husband or what he does behind your back. Make the talk a very brief/ quick/ sharp & direct one. Let it show that you dont rely on whatever she has to say/offer. Reveal a 'careless' attitude. Have your questions set. Know what your aim is with each question & answer. Reveal only emotions of disgust, irritation while chatting with her. Do not appear 'sorry' to her. Do not apologise for your husband's behavior. I suggest you have the chat during the week when you get home late, instead of a weekend. If she's asleep, wake her up. (Do this outside your husband's 'knowledge'. He must not have the slightest suspicion that she disgusts you, -even if she truly doesn't & its an act-.)

Also, do not display your anger/disgust reaction towards one in the presence of the other. Handle each one separately. When they are together, smile with each one and act as though nothing was wrong. Be warm & friendly. But once they are separated, give each one their doses of anger/disgust treatment.

Over the weekend, make your home very lively and bubbly. Be in a happy, playful mood and ensure it rubs off into the home environment. Catch them unawares. Leave them wondering what came over you (still giving each one their separate treatments).

As for you, once you've had the talk with the maid, as much as you possibly can, try to let everything go so your healing process can start in your heart. Forgive them as much as you can. He still remains your husband. However don't let them know that you've forgiven them. Keep up the act of being annoyed/disgusted for as long as you can. Yes, its all just supposed to be an act. So they dont end up taking you for granted. Eventually though, over time, you would be expected to react differently. Be prepared. The next game plan would depend on how they react to your anger/disgust treatment which should last nothing less than two weekends (this one & the next). After that, its left to you to decide how to react.

I can't assure you that they didn't do it. I cant assure you that this is the first time he has done such. But GOD is Able to see you through all this! Let your mind be at peace. Pray for them.

Godmystrength,

I commend you for the calmness you have shown so far in handling this issue. I encourage you to keep it up.

Do not over think nor be pressured to take an irrational decision.

You can achieve all you want without being rude to your husband in dealing with this issue. You will not want to sow a seed of bitterness that may become what you can't handle in future. Wisdom is profitable to direct.

The poor girl has not done anything wrong in this situation even if they have done it. She shouldn't be treated like a criminal. The decision to continue or leave is your prerogative.

Your husband should find something to occupy his time. An idle hand is the devil's workshop.

May God grant you the wisdom you need to end this phase in your home.

It is well with you.

Godmystrength:
thanks for
telling me what ''i already know''. You didn't have to say that twice. I
already got the message the first time

i sincerely apologize.......your "over understanding" gets to me ni considering the whole stress.pls forgive me

@ Godmystrenght, i think the reason why your husband was monitoring you through your colleagues has surfaced now. It is to time is acts so dat he won.t be caught in the act. You've been handling this issue naturedly and I pray that God wil give you the wisdom you need to come out of this victorious. From a silent follower

He he he JJ has found his voice after Tayo left the room. I'm a man too lmao this is now big brother

@ godmystrength, i must say u're a very calm person, a rare gem- many would have been filing for divorce by now. I have to be a bit blunt here- this is what i feel and don't have to be taken seriously, just forgive my bluntness.
I think ur husband is a cheat hence his reason for preferring buying and selling over a paid job, so he could have all the time in the world.
The hand picked new maid he wants to bring in is his girlfriend.
Remain strong, God is truly your strength.




I've been a silent follower until now. I even have an issue with my husband. Will post after this had been treated

[quote
author=tatiana009 post=27146253]He he he JJ has found his voice after
Tayo left the room. I'm a man too lmao this is now big brother[/quote]

Godmystrength dont be pressurize, i mean keep your cool cos there lies your true strength to act. If you choose to go the way of those who act immediately you may not sustain it or even spoil it cos it is 'unyou'. You'v really been blinded by love. From the first time you talked about him i knew he is capable of cheating, even you couldnt confidently say he is faithful...wish people can see its not so easy when you are the one wearing the shoe cos YOU could have given some one else a better advise than you prolly recieved. So start advicing yourself hencefort. Take your time to do the talk but know that if you wait for a perfect time it may not really come perfect, still most importantly follow your heart. It could be now, weekend or even next week(remember its still a small world, the maid/her sister/hubby can see this and be more prepared). If you must, update when the dust a bit settled as you really owe no one. I am more concern with you no more giving your hubby opportunities to call you fool because you are too wise for that.

I've never posted on this thread but been following and had to write cos of @Godmystrength. Girl you are such an amazing person and your level headedness/emotional maturity is quite commendable. My weakest point is inability to suck it in or patience wouldn't know what I would do if I were in your position maybe myself or hubby one/two of us would be at the hospital/morgue
Just know you've got a new fan/friend here! Like @Bellong advised, please continue to maintain your calm, don't be confrontational so you can juice out all the details. This is also the time to tighten the nozzle on your finances regarding the history you've posted previously if you understand what I mean.
Above all, don't let this situation affect your career as that is the koko! By all means hold off the discussion till weekend so you don't get yourself worked up unnecessarily.
Marriage is a noble institution and deserves all the hardwork within the ambience of reasonable judgement to make it work especially with spouses that are worth it!
Even my own hubby in all his glory has his own fault will share in another post on this thread in order not to dilute my contribution towards your issue. May God give you the strength and regards to your LO

The atitude of some brothers makes it hard for others to be appreciated by female folks.. Godmystrength ur case reminds me of one funny song titled she don get belle by one naija artiste i just cant remember his name.. U get wife wey dhey work nah omodor/housemaid u wan pashi...bro 4cked up 4 dis matter..there is diz saying which says an idle hand is the devils workshop...if he were to be in the village im colleagues go dhey farm...base of d happenings on ground nah 2gv bro ultimatum of finding wat to do.. If nah common poultry farming, fishery or snailery there is always ready market even if there isnt his self acclaimed market genius shud be able to make some thing out of it.. And me personally think ure 2 gentle to a fault and dats d cause he knows mummy junior is quite understanding and timid or gentle..

Without sounding cheesy, I can say I have had/still having an amazing ride in marriage and I pray to God it continues that way despite the delay in our adorable gems coming(ttc things )
I love my hubby with my last breath but my problem with him is that he is not as charitable as I would love him to be. God has been gracious to us and sometimes I feel we should do something for humanity or the church but he never wants to hear of it! The tricky part is that we maintain joint accounts and I know I can get away with charity work by lying about money but that is not the route I want to tow. Before we got married even when we seemingly had nothing, I told him I have a calling to help people in need he didn't see a problem with it. Right now God has given us the capacity it is usually very difficult to get his buy-in and this bordering me! Before anybody would wonder, we are no Dangote but this is a prodding I feel in my spirit having acquired the basic needs of man. Please someone should advise me without me having to lie

Godmystrength reading through your posts gave me head ache, you really are cool headed. I mean, how can you have all these in your mind till Saturday?He is playing you like chess and you have put an end to that game, i don't know how .

I trust she will make the right call. Wonderful woman with a great head on her shoulders.

@Godmystrength
I've been having a headache trying to figure out this your situation,but coming back here,you've been sorted.
See how everyone is coming out to give you scopes eh?that's to show how much we love and appreciate you.Remember each suggestion is according to what each person believes they would do in such a situation and based on the kind of spouse they have. You know your own man so sift thru subtract and add and get a combo which will work for you.

First off,your personality is amazing.I don't know how you've managed to stay so calm.More power to your elbows o!

One thing I just learnt in this my old age is to always ask why,to always go back to the beginning, straight to the drawing board.You'll be amazed at the answers staring you in the face.So my post is just to see if we can work out the why...

My dear, I would like to draw your attention to when we all started posting here and the issue of finances and how you were doing everything came up.Remember most people especially the men told you to take a firm stance and stop providing rent,chop money etc.Some were very harsh but the consensus was let him be the man and provide for his family instead of sitting around waiting from manna to fall from above while planning how to spend your cash. Imagine if you'd refused to foot all the bills and damned the consequences,wont he be running helter skelter trying to fend for you and your child?Which time would he have to chase maid and sister or engage in squabbles with them?His main headache would be finding food for his family to eat or running around to gather money for at least his own portion of the rent.
Idle mind na real devils workshop.You'd be shocked at the sort of thoughts you'd have if left to your own devices day in day out especially when you are sure someone else is taking care of food,clothing and shelter.
I don't know when you will be ready to say NO MORE.When you will INSIST that he gets a proper job.You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different outcome.You've tried the nice gentle soul abi? Has it worked?Don't you think you can shock him out of his complacency?

Now,I believe that his trying to sleep with the maid and her sister may not be because he's a straight up womaniser,it could be a result of him trying to validate his masculinity.In some twisted way,he's going after people who he perceives he's better than,people who he believes will look at him and feel he's a star.Where he can truly feel he's an Oga kpatakpata.Where his 2,000 Naira will look like 1 million.
If you look back,you'd notice that he has been trying to exert a lot of control over you by monitoring you,tracking your movement,trying to take control of your salary.These are all signs of his mounting insecurity and him trying to prove to himself that he's a man(how this works,I don't know)..especially as he has failed at being the proper head of his home.
It must have come as a shock to him when the maid started rebuffing him(when the rebuffing started,we don't know yet). I can only imagine how much he belittled himself to the extent that the helps sister had the guts to call and insult him.
I'm just trying to give a small glimpse into what may be his psyche.I could be 100% wrong.Cheating can be a learned act.Im not jumping to say he's a skilled womaniser cos you've never ever mentioned being worried about that at all.

What is baffling to me is that his idleness is self inflicted because he has refused to take up all the job offers.Could it be because you are enabling him plus his pipe dreams of being an entrepreneur?He knows that you are both man and woman of the home so why bother? A huge sign of responsibility would have been to take up any job offer and do biz on the side.

Long and short of my epistle is that hubby has started chasing women as a hobby because he is idle and has refused to work.Until that part is taken care of,Im afraid all the talking to may not have any impact.Once he's left to his devices,he will continue the chasery.
From his actions,he's a very sharp man who is adept at covering his tracks.The speed he has bamboozled you with is amazing.If only he will use this kind of power to get a job and set his family right.The new maid he's arranging may even be his paramour.So that once you go to work,he begins his shagfest. I'm sure you will resist this with every fibre of your being.

You need to look him in the eye and lay down the law..the advantage you have is that we are here with billions of ideas and we love you and will support you every step of the way.He has already played his hand...land the masterstroke(plenty ideas on how have been suggested).

Remember you have a son who is watching..from 15 month or earlier,they understand a lot of things.God forbid that he's exposed to rubbish as a way of life.

Godspeed!

@Subzidi,

Is he a believer and godly?

Does he read his scriptures?

What is his understanding about possessions?

Do you guys do family prayers and studying of the word together?

How does he see the Word when preached to him?


You need not lie about any charitable thing you want to do. You have a willing mind but presently constrained which is no fault of you. He must consent to the charity for it to be right and wholly acceptable.

Your giving should not be directed to the church as a compulsion, its better utilized for the needy.

Get your pastor to talk to him on the act and art of giving.

Keep praying till there is a change of values and orientation in him.


It is well.

@ godmystrenth .. Please don't discuss with work colleagues or family..( the family part would be hard for me to do).. Kai u are one calm sista o,, how are u waiting till the weekend ... abi is today not Tuesday...
For hubby and i ordinary misunderstanding during church service will only wait till we leave church parking lot..

@zidi.. God will answer ur TTC prayers..

You can start by encouraging your hubby to volunteer at charity events and fundraisers ( no money involved just giving his time).and hopefully he will see how those who have contributed financially to the charity event /cause have made a difference.

Also have you tried having a monthly budget or set amount? My friend had a similar situation and her husband realized he could not stop her giving and charitable ways but he gave a monthly limit. If not she would have emptied their account several times in the name of giving to charity. Also she gotten taken advantage of by a lot of people so he restricted her charity donations to certain causes and foundations. He also made sure she was giving her time and not just money

@ subzidi - many ppl do not give to the church these days not because they are stingy but cuz they believe they are further enriching the wealthy pastors.If he is in that bracket, asking the pastor to speak with him might just do more harm. But if he hates giving naturally, then it might help to give him a better understanding of the benefits of giving.

Also, don't limit ur giving to the church and try to carry him along before giving. Eg lets assume you read of a baby with a hole in her heart, show it to hubby, draw up some compassion from him, like telling him to imagine what the baby must be passing thru. Don't even bring up the issue of money initially though he would have read himself that the baby needs money.

You could keep bringing up the subject but ensuring he is not irritated. It's like you feeling the pains of the baby Urself.

U will be surprised he might be the one to raise the issue of money himself but if he doesn't and you do, he will be more receptable to it cuz you carried him along from the word go.

Also, do you have an idea if ur hubby's future plans? He might have some great plans for the future which would require a lot of savings hence, taking out of ur savings for something that is not within his plans is a no no for him. Pls try to discuss with him and draw up some kind of budget and timelines for the future so he is over pressurised into achieving his plans.

Generally, some ppl advise couples to still maintain individual accts for personal drawings while still contributing to the joint account. I guess it's for reasons like this.