chaircover:


In what context was she saying it?
Was she saying it with the hope that you will do the same for her neice
The most inportant thing is what your fiancees take it towards issues like this
How does she behave.
I beleive youve courted for a while so by now you should know your fiancee's mindset
Anyhow if you dont feel comfortable with the discussion, you can broach the subject with your finacee
cos its best to get all these things sorted before you get married so that you are both rading from the same hymm book later.

We were having (actually they were, I was an occasional participant) a discussion n she said it.
Fiancees reaction was wat got me a bit bothered, cos her aunt is someone she emulates.
You can never really tell someone s mindset concerning issues like these. Fiancees not the money/demanding type but I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility, n won't want a situation where someone will be dependent on me f every lil thing
Like alutacontinuua said.
Would discuss but don't want unnecessary friction on unfounded fears

P.s..y, all invited, esp. Dse that can , make it p.h

Godmystrength:
I have been in a state of shock since saturday. Don't really know what to do. Hubby called me for a discussion to beg me because he has offended me. Not in the mood to type long story. Summary is - He said he has been making sexually advances toward our nanny/maid
I haven't even said much (i was so shocked and the only thing i could asked was if he was sex starved?). Health wise, i am strong at the moment. Just trying to get myself fully recovered

my love I don't really know what to say. After all you have passed through. I will advise that you talk with the nanny and know what she was up to and why she couldn't confide in you initially. Sha this could have depend on how you guys might have lived.

Then talk to your hubby and understand what went wrong. You have to know what happened, and why he did what he did. If you send this one away, does it mean you don't want another maid again. I feel this one is a good girl that is why she didn't fall.

Just know that if you send her away be ready to stay without a maid. Cos u ain't sure that the one that comes next won't be the one throwing advances at him. And you know some men lack the will power to avoid temptation.

Think less about it but pray for God's direction.

Godmystrength:
She is still in the house. i don't want to take any drastic step yet. besides, it is not that they even stay in the house together most of the time. We leave the house together in the morning when he drops me at the busstop and [b]takes the maid and my son to his mother/my MIL's house. He goes to pick them in the evening before i get back [/b]home. I can't tell him to wait for me to return before picking them because it will be stressful for my baby to be moving him at that time of the night when he should be sleeping/getting ready to sleep......

besides, sending her away is just going to be a temporary solution or what if this continues, how many will i be sending away?

@ Godmystrength - you have helped a lot of ppl on this thread and so God will surely remember you now that you need Him.

First, I feel your husband is a good person, he is not a natural cheat, if he were he would not be confessing to you or apologizing to the nanny. It takes a lot of guts and sincerety to do this.

You mentioned they ain't spending much time together. I beg to differ. From the bolded above, they are actually spending too much time together and this is not just okay for men. They are left alone together from Monda to Friday after dropping you, same thing in the evenings - he picks her and the baby and they are both at home alone till you get home every working day.

My sister, this is more than enough time being spent together already. Forget the fact that she is a maid, she is a full blown young woman and he is a full blown man.

My advice - calm down, ask the maid what truly transpired and the extent to which things went, also ask why she never confided in you.

You might need to get an elderly woman instead cuz you can't really do without a help right now.

As for hubby, I don't think it was because of any inadequacy on ur part or that he meant to cheat on you. It was just opportunistic. He was spending too much time with this young lady and naturally, intimacy began to set in.

This is just a phase and it will surely pass. Many women out there will give everything just to have their hubby confess all his attrocities so they can just forgive and move on.

(Pls excuse my typos, using my mobile)

Lol,@Chaircover. You reminds me of London life, awon mama ojuloge . Oh London, how I miss the place, too much drama

chaircover:


Many of her type are in London
They are nuisances and embarassing
They prey on other womens gullible husbands and attend parties every week, looking for the next available catch
They think they are enjoying life, until they get older, the wrinkles start showing and then they start paying young boys to sleep with them and fighting girls young enough to be their own daughters in public over men young enough to be their own sons.
They wear scary make up and inappropiate clothing to try and look younger


If only Nwababys friend knows whats in store for her in the next 10 years after she executes her crazy plan.
Maybe she thinks that there is an abundance of young rich good marriagable men in London who will want to clean up her mess when she finally decides to dump the hubby she married for money, when there are thousands of well brought up, well behaved and educated young girls who are available too.

@Godmystrength you're a good person I have followed your story and I enjoy reading your posts, your husband is a good man at least for being honest, it could also be dat maybe your maid threatened to tell you, whatever the case I want to believe they didn't do the do, forgiveness might be hard but you have to forgive. Why didn't you get a much younger maid? get to hear your maid's side of the story too, God will see you through remain blessed.

smokescreen4:
@Godmystrength you're a good person I have followed your story and I enjoy reading your posts, your husband is a good man at least for being honest, it could also be dat maybe your maid threatened to tell you, whatever the case I want to believe they didn't do the do, forgiveness might be hard but you have to forgive. Why didn't you get a much younger maid? get to hear your maid's side of the story too, God will see you through remain blessed.

I can't get a younger maid. I need a matured somebody that can take care of a baby..... Well, i intend to speak/have a chat with the lady this weekend and then i can take it up from there.. Thanks for the care

Icherishu:

my love I don't really know what to say. After all you have passed through. I will advise that you talk with the nanny and know what she was up to and why she couldn't confide in you initially. Sha this could have depend on how you guys might have lived.

Then talk to your hubby and understand what went wrong. You have to know what happened, and why he did what he did. If you send this one away, does it mean you don't want another maid again. I feel this one is a good girl that is why she didn't fall.

Just know that if you send her away be ready to stay without a maid. Cos u ain't sure that the one that comes next won't be the one throwing advances at him. And you know some men lack the will power to avoid temptation.

Think less about it but pray for God's direction.

Na so i see am o. i will have a discussion with her this weekend though.
Then decide what to do next...

I already asked hubby what happened and why he did that....He said it is not my fault at all. That he is just frustrated. Having to sit down at home all day doing nothing and having no where to go....

It will help if he can get something to take his mind off the daily bore

pickabeau1:


if i may ask...How far with the job runs for hubby

nothing in that aspect. He is still bent on not doing any paid job. He wants to do business and so is still waiting for ''help from above''. Now he is talking of wanting to go to dubai.... Where will the money come from?? he even suggested that i get a loan from my parents for him......

Godmystrength:
nothing in that aspect. He is still bent on not doing any paid job. He wants to do business and so is still waiting for ''help from above''. Now he is talking of wanting to go to dubai.... Where will the money come from??

Hmm.. this is the major challenge.... dont get any loan.. please
Not being fully engaged timewise is allowing him have too much free time and that is the danger
It is well

pickabeau1:


Hmm.. this is the major challenge.... dont get any loan.. please
Not being fully engaged timewise is allowing him have too much time and that is the danger
It is well

I have no intention of getting any loan for now. I don't know how else to engage him..... He's got so many offers in time past and people are no longer taking him serious

Godmystrength:
I have no intention of getting any loan for now. I don't know how else to engage him..... He's got so many offers in time past and people are no longer taking him serious

Ok.. I wil leave u with one word..in due time and season...it will be alright
Pro 21.1

The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.

pickabeau1:


Ok.. I wil leave u with one word..in due time and season...it will be alright
Pro 21.1

Thank you

@Godmystrength,
Sorry you are going through this especially as you are Ill.Please,do not blame yourself,chances are it has nothing to do with you..He had a chance,he tried and was rebuffed.
First off,how you respond in entirety depends on the reason for confession.It is very few men that will confess spontaneously.Could it be that she threatened to expose him and he chose to call her infront of you and confess?It may be a way to silence the girl and discourage her from telling you anyother story apart from the version he has rendered as she would tend to think you will believe whatever he says as against hers.He could have asked for your forgiveness privately and then you both have a talk with the help.
So,the whole drama may have been a way to rush over things and get over them quickly so you don't dig too deep.

OR he could just be a good guy who couldn't deal with the guilt?


Make sure you have a chat with the girl and apologise for the harassment,praise her for being principled,you could bump up her salary a bit(let her have the motivation to be more loyal to her madam).Most importantly,ask her if she wants to continue working for you.

Positives:
A. Your help is fantastic,principled and with good morals.Many would have fallen if in her shoes.She is loyal to you,that is a huge plus.If it were me,I wouldn't get rid of her if she wants to continue working with you cos the problem Im sorry to say is hubby. At least you know he will be too ashamed to try anything with her again.If you send her home and bring the next one,how do you know she will say no if pressured?Remember she has nothing to lose and made no vows to you.

B. According to the hubby they haven't done the deed

If I were you,I'd go through the whole saga with a fine comb,the time it was happening,how long.Then try to think back to his behaviour during that time.Was he too nice? Over checking your phone? Absent minded? Unnecessarily harsh to you or the help?
This will help you establish a pattern of behaviour Incase of next time.We humans are creatures of habit.
How you handle this will set the tone for the future.You may choose to gloss over it and patch up fast OR you do your homework and face him.We here know that it's better off that they didn't have se x,but you can treat it like he did cos if the girl didn't resist they'd be doing the do.


1.Thank him for confessing,appreciate the fact that he did but also question why.

2.Tell him he has betrayed your trust,broken the bond and you can never trust him again,he was in a position of power over the help and he abused it.You can even tell him that he as good as did it after all Christ said if you look at someone lustfully,you are guilty of the sin.

3.You can tell him you want STD checks just to satisfy yourself.

4.You can use this opportunity to bring up all his calling u and your colleagues unnecessarily at work and link it to his guilty conscience and him covering his tracks.You can ask him never ever to call your work mates again and stop collecting names and numbers off your phones and stop replying people(1 stone to kill 100 birds).

4. He must tell you why

5. You can torture him,shout,etc do whatever you want,you have the right to.This is painful and embarrassing for you.Also, next time he thinks of dancing shoki inside someone's vag ina,he will remember the wahala it could cause.

6.Forgive at your own pace but stay alert.



If for example,he confessed out of guilty conscience,you have a good man in your hands.He will be apologetic and inconsolable.Tone own the torture,express your whole mind and discuss on the way forward.In this case,he may not be able to live in the same space with the help as his shame will be too much.You may have to get a new help just for a fresh start for the family.Truth is if he's bent on cheating,he will but at least you've done your part and covered all bases.
God really likes you as many people don't even get all these signals before catching Oga pants down.Believe me when I say,you both can come out of this stronger if handled properly.

Sorry my dear sister.

I also want to add that since he doesn't want to do any paid job,and is sitting around he's more prone to getting in trouble.
When someone is idle,they tend to engage I'm stuff they wouldn't ordinarily do if they were busy.

I know you've tried sooo hard to get him something but he's not accepting.I really have to praise you for being so strong and positive.

There will be down days for you but at least you know you are working to give your son a bright future.Please don't forget to be setting anything aside for your child Incase of rainy days.
Take care dear

@Godmystrength,you are lucky to have an honest hubby like this,and even luckier for the kind of maid you have,because many will have jump at the advances long before oga confesses.

You don't need to blame yourself and try talk with the lady.I also don't like to have younger maid,very risky but i will also suggest you work on letting her go.You never know......

I pray your hubby find something doing as soon as possible,you know idle mind ......

Make sure you also help with finding him one too,don't give up.I personally feel uncomfortable and sad whenever i see a man jobless and hopeless,it is a very difficult situation not feeling like a man .

It is well my sister

Take care....

@Godmystrength, its really sad dis is happening to u, but thank God your hubby is a good man, and the maid too, good. But then don't take in all the goodness and overlook the obvious warning signs. True its not your fault, just like hubby said, probably he doesn't want to hurt you further by adding 'insalt' to the already hurting injury.

First and foremost, after speaking with the lady, work towards letting her go. Yes oo, let her go, allowing her stay is like keeping fish and rat in the same room and believing that nothing will happen. Dem fit do the do tomorrow, and this time nobody will inform or confess to you cos they've already put you in a comfy situation where you'll have no reason to suspect anything.
Get another nanny if possible a much older and preferably ugly and old school type, but neat.
Pay more attention to hubby, call him often (though I understand the nature of your job as per calls) start using the loo frequently
to allow you time to call/sms him. (Not that it will stop him from cheating if he wants to) but at least heaven will bear you witness that you were alwaysz there for him, plus he'll have no excuse to justify his actions.
You've always been supportive, do not relent, if you can, help him achieve his heart desires, show more interest and commitment in his quest for business, even if you don't have the financial muscle yet, encourage him and make him understand and believe you are ready to stand by him.
Does he have any skill(s)? If yes, is it something that he can start doing to fetch him some change or at least keep him busy. If no, will he be willing to learn one, that way at least, he can get his mind of petty tinz.
Finally, don't be too hard on urself /hubby, sh1t happens everyday, and dats why we are here to clean them up.
I hope my little advice helps :'
Sooorrrry swts

@edwife, hispinkolo, snazzylove..... thanks. I am really taking my time to analyze the whole scenario and its just so sad that this happen/is happening.....

Our medical checks is just around the corner so we will be doing all the tests. No need to even raise the matter of test because he can't avoid going for the checks.

I am just allowing myself believe that nothing happened between them, though i know it is a possibility....

@edwife, i pray and hope he finds something doing asap too.... (i think i have tried my best in that area and can't really think of what else to do about that for now)
@snazzylove, talking about skills, he says he is a born marketer o . he wants nothing else than buying and selling

I can't say for sure the reason for his confession but i just know that after he finished talking, he wanted to call the maid to join our discussion and i remember telling him not to bother calling her to my presence yet. However, he still went ahead to call her and i just could not even utter a word in her presence because i felt so ashamed and embarrassed at the same time..... I asked him when it started and he said it was about 2-3weeks after she started working with us (this girl has only spent 2months with us)

I even asked when he use to have time to make the advances and whether they will just abandon my baby to one corner or what? He said he doesn't go to her when he is with the baby but usually when baby is sleeping (which makes it look like a calculated attempt and not just a spontaneous thingy which leaves me more confused)......

I was even forced to wonder whether he has been at this kind of thing for long which might be responsible for all our previous maids leaving for no tangible reason and why he was so much against us employing an elderly woman at one time like that.....

Yesterday night, he told me that the lady said she will like to go to her village during the festive period to spend time with her people and that he doesn't want her to come back and he already has someone that he wants to replace her with....(infact, he is already thinking of how to send her away by this month end) I told him to just leave me alone and not rush me into his plans..... What is he even up to? Only God knows jare

Infact, the whole thing tire me......

Godmystrength,
Thanks for elaborating.Will be back soon but I need to tell you to be STRONG.
DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND BULLY YOU INTO DOING ANYTHING.
His haste is suspicious and he already has someone to replace her? If you feel they even did something,better make sure she is not pregnant. Why is it him that the help is telling about her trip?
It's time to put your foot down!Your Hubby should be grovelling and apologising instead of taking charge of the whole situation while you are looking on helplessly.
Even if you send the maid away and replace with another one,whether she is old with saggy boo bs and yellow teeth,if he wants to chook he will chook.
I'm sorry to say that this probably isn't the first time he's doing this and there may be more to the confession.Im saying this based on your update.Make sure you speak with this help cos as things are now,I'm not too sure nothing went down.

It's always best to tackle a problem from the source....hubby is the source and he needs to understand the error of his ways..then you both work together to plug all holes.
TAKE CHARGE. I'm sooo sorry for all this stress.

Busy but I'll be back,

This is really deep

Your hubby seems like he's a lil bit on the manipulative side
You need to be wise and smart, don't allow yourself to be manipulated. How dare he talk about a replacement? Person wey suppose be under lock and key to keep him away from anything female for the next 10 years


I don vex be that, no mind me....on a serious note, don't let him think confessing would make this all go away, the whole confession thing even sounds fishy now


infact, lemme just shut up now before I begin to say things

Let me apologise in advance. I'm sorry I might come across as too harsh or blunt. It is just my humble opinion.

Godmystrenght, I've been trying to understand and analyse this dilemna since you posted it. It is so sad that this has added to your previous worry about him not being very financially responsible.

As much as I will like to believe that your hubby is a good man who acted out of guilt, something in me keeps telling me he confessed for a reason. Not necessarilly because of guilt. My guess is; the maid threatened to report his advances to you with tangible proof that he couldn't have been able to deny. So, he had to quickly put you in the know and to silence the lady, he apologised to her in your presence. Now, he seems to be one step ahead of both you and the maid.

A good man with guilty conscience will not make advances severally, get rebuffed before confessing and apologising to his wife. He will prolly look for a way out by either getting busy and trying to get the girl out of his mind without making adavnces, confessing to you about his feelings, so you two can work it out or cajoling you to fire the girl.

Now, let's look at this holistically; your hubby has a very high tendency to cheat (that is if he isn't cheating already). He possesses two major factors/attitudes that make him prone to it. Not being busy and insecurity. Men that cheat are usually the most insecure men. They will monitor their wives till they almost drop dead, cos they feel she might just be doing same thing he's doing. Then add that to him having too much time on his hands and you've got a disaster.

I also feel he may have made same advances to the previous maids you guys hired. Whether some agreed, no one knows.

What can you do now? Remember EVERYTHING will be in your own terms now! This is not time to soft pedal. You've been doing that since you got married and it has produced little or no results. You should take charge! How do you do that? Start by having a heart to heart with the lady. Apologise to her again and make her understand you've got her back. Ask her when all this started? How did it start? What does hubby tell her in the process? Did she at anytime threaten to report to you? What was your hubby's response when she did? What does she want now? Does she still want to stay? Ask as much questions as you can.

When you are done and are satisfied with her responses, then go to hubby. Ask him to truthfully tell you if there is more to this than he confessed. Ask if he did anything of such with the previous nannies. Be less emotional when asking so you get an objective response. When you are done with him; you state your terms. He should be sober now and will agree to to most things he has blatantly refused to do in the past.

- He must get a paid job. No more building castles in the air in the name of business. No more borrowing money from anyone because of one business or the other. Doing business is not for everyone. Not everyone possess the skills it takes to soar in the business world. He should dust his CV and hit the road.

- No more monitoring and annoying phone calls. Tell him you now understand why he feels the need to monitor you. And that that must stop.

- What ever nanny you choose to hire as from now onwards is up to you. She could be a 70yr old with a burnt scary face and nine month protruding flappy stomach. Its all up to you.

And what was that he said about having someone else to replace this maid? Huh? Already? He and who made that decision? What is the gaurantee that he won't try this same thing with this new one he personally handpicked? And what makes him think this one won't even be the one to seduce him? Now, how can you leave them at home, go to work and be sane at work without having to think of what he might be doing?

The last thing you should be doing now is blaming yourself. You are the one that goes out everyday to make sure there is stable income in the house. You are the one trying your best for that home and still loving your husband and being a good wife. You not deserve to feel this way. You should be held in high regards.

You really are a strong woman. I don't know if I can take half of what you take and still be sane. God will not take your labour of love forgranted. In due time, you shall rejoice.

Hugs and kisses.

@Godmystrength, you know the truth but lack the strength to tell yourself when it comes to your hubby. To your strength you have also wisdom, use it to find out what really transpired when talking with your maid. Ensure you take the talk with her by surprise to reduce calculated answers. I strongly believe she made him confessed. If after the talk you are satisfied she is innocent and have strong morals against adultery, then keep her as she will make a bird worth in hand. Howbeit, you will make your hussy come pick you, sleeping baby & her same time after work, stressful though but better for all as your man might attempt another folly or blackmail or you may never really fully trust her even when innocent. I doubt you can do this considering your history with him, still i say instead of letting him manipulate you as usual, use this opportunity to put your feet down that he must get a paid job to keep him from being idle and to earn back your shaky trust. Yes he is LAZY. He will also not be serious with biz, paid job is better for him as he can not afford to waste another man's time too much. But tell yourself the truth that is difficult for friends here to tell you cos it hurt & you are no stranger. Make a back up plan should a 'real' deal reoccur in future, it will ease the shock, pain as well as provide strength to carry on.

Why is he in a hurry to chase her away? please quiz that maid and get the truth from her, I just hope she is not pregnant. it's well with you.

Come to think of it, with all the responses i am reading and something i just remembered, i am thinking he was just blackmailed to confession.... will be back with details.
i just saw this thread and just want to peep in and see people's opinion
https://www.nairaland.com/1944210/why-nigerian-wives-chase-out

smokescreen4:
Why is he in a hurry to chase her away? please quiz that maid and get the truth from her, I just hope she is not pregnant. it's well with you.

I hope not

Godmystrength:
Yesterday night, he told me that the lady said she will like to go to her village during the festive period to spend time with her people and that he doesn't want her to come back and he already has someone that he wants to replace her with....(infact, he is already thinking of how to send her away by this month end) I told him to just leave me alone and not rush me into his plans..... What is he even up to? Only God knows jare

Infact, the whole thing tire me......

Hmmmmm... Who is he planning to bring in Let it not be what am thinking. You need to watch it, seriously.

snazzylove:


Hmmmmm... Who is he planning to bring in Let it not be what am thinking. You need to watch it, seriously.

Please what are you thinking?

Godmystrength:
Come to think of it, with all the responses i am reading and something i just remembered, i am thinking he was black mailed into confessing. . .

Will like to know. . .

Godmystrength, i don't believe in forgiving a cheating partner but i will make an exception with this, he confessed, you didn't catch him. I believe he is repentant.

Phema just read your post, you made a whole lot of sense, so sad if she has a pro player on her hands .

I had to go read some more, hand picking a maid? Please disregard my first post.

Phema:


Will like to know. . .

The maid's sister(not blood related though) also works as an executive maid to some staffs of a company (just the next street to ours) but she doesn't live there. She has slept over at our place on a Friday/environmental Saturday and like on 2 other occasions...
My hubby bought an AC from her boyfriend and installed it (i just came home and saw the AC in our room). However, because of some disagreement concerning terms of payment, hubby/boyfriend agreed to uninstall AC and let everybody go there way. Boyfriend told girlfriend and she called hubby to insult the living day light out of him. When he told me, i was shocked. I asked if it was more than the AC issue..... He now forbid our maid from going to her sister's place nor her sister coming to our place.. When the maid told her sister, she called my hubby and called insulting names if he doesn't go through with his threat...... I wanted to call the lady, but i wanted to get to the root of the matter before knowing whether to call or not(all this happened like 2weeks ago)

I guess i blanked out when hubby was doing his confession but i just now remembered him talking about nollywood movies where some husband committed an atrocity against his wife and was been blackmailed by the other woman. he was saying the man could have saved himself all the stress by just letting the wife know instead of falling into the blackmail trap..... he now said that he has jokingly made advances towards the sister and that could be responsible for all the insults because she feels that he won't be able to do anything for fear of me hearing ( :oOMG!!!!how could i have forgot all these... It is just coming back like a dream.. I wonder what else he said that bounced back). Maybe it was due to the headache i was having then...

Well from what i just thought through, there is a possibility that the maid has informed her sister of the advances and the sister has done likewise.. Maybe she/they threaten to report to me and hubby acted fast by being a step ahead of them....

God what do i have on my hands now?? bucket full of shit!!!

wish it is weekend already