DIDIVA:

CC has summarised all we are trying to say to you. Don't bother making a fuse that he should pay back & at the time you want it or waste your time getting angry, na only headache you dey give yourself Sis. Just look for other ways to sort yourself while learning your lessons from this.

Meanwhile, why don't you fix your money in the bank as a time deposit investment instead of allowing it exchange hand & get lost in the process.

My hubby is also like this (despite the fact he makes 20 times more money than I do). I had to learn my lessons & devised a better way of beating him to it! I now make sure I fix every one naira by topping it up to my existing fixed deposit.
That way he'll find it difficult asking me to borrow him some money since am purportedly broke by the ledger. So no Atm withdrawals, transfers or withdrawals over the counter & of course he knows liquidating a fixed deposit (whether partial or complete liquidation) dey hard pass university admission for Naija.
So everyone gets to rest from borrow me this borrow me that.
The only time I listen to his liquidation story & move a muscle is when we have a project we want to execute.

I have money used for investment purposes he doesn't know. The only reason that money has grown that way is because I didn't put him in the know. Cos I had started saving that money since I was single. If he had known he would have said I should borrow him. These ones are just the one I opened up about my salary. When I made effort of saving 40% of my salary. He made so much fuss about it. That is it only me that know how to save money. At the end it was the saved money I collected when I was laid off that he still came to borrow from it. But now I have learnt my lessons.

goodheart4God:
Hi ladies I have a little issue bugging me. When I was working I took a loan to assist hubby in somethings. It isn't our project. It is his family project. I left work with nothing and he is aware. So the little I had left, he came to borrow it again. The remaining part of that little was given to a friend as safe keep to keep his prying Eya away from it.

Now fastforward to my project, I need money. Over half a million. He isn't talking about paying back and I don't know how to ask him. When I asked him how I ll execute the project, he made reference to the money with the guy. That after all I have my money somewhere.

I have been angry but I just kept cool. I know he is waiting for die minute to bring quarter of the money, but I am a planner I need to as well pay quarter of the money now as it mandatory for me.

Hispinkolo, snazzylove please make una come o

My dear sis CC has said it all oo. Go and collect ur money from d guy and start ur project oo. Hubby may not pay, datz d sad truth, they borrow with very sweet tongue with a well structured promise to pay back, husaiii, dem no dey pay. My poopa does dat, my hussy does dat, infact I believe almost all hubands does dat too, rather dan paying back they choose emotional blackmail, telling u its our money, our family and all that .
Just take this as one of those sacrifices and move on, at least u've learnt ur lesson.
Peleee oo. I understand dat feeling

I need advice on these issues pls:
I feel so lonely in my marriage cos hubby hardly gists,247 with his bb chatting and studying football sites.
I just put to bed,I have to take care of my baby and also go to work 8am-8pm.I have to work and work endlessly,no time for any quiet time or to meditate.Hubby doesn't want househelp or daily help.is ds not slavery?
Having sex has also become an issue cos wen I ask,he makes me feel lik a prostitute.with the defence dat its a form of contraceptive,how do I handle all dis? Is this what marriage is supposed to feel like?

Babymumsy:
I need advice on these issues pls:
I feel so lonely in my marriage cos hubby hardly gists,247 with his bb chatting and studying football sites.
I just put to bed,I have to take care of my baby and also go to work 8am-8pm.I have to work and work endlessly,no time for any quiet time or to meditate.Hubby doesn't want househelp or daily help.is ds not slavery?
Having sex has also become an issue cos wen I ask,he makes me feel lik a prostitute.with the defence dat its a form of contraceptive,how do I handle all dis? Is this what marriage is supposed to feel like?

Don't you have maternity leave in your place of work? How would a new mum work 12 hours a day without any form of help?
Biko, slavery is an under-statement!
Does hubby help out with chores?
How young is your baby?

Please in serious need of help. I would have loved to see a marriage Counselor but that's hard to find in these neck of the woods. I found out my husband has been having an affair. He's apologized profusely and promised to end the affair and work towards rebuilding the marriage. The problem is that the trust I had for him has completely dissipated and I don't know how to rebuild the trust I have in him. I don't even know if it's possible to rebuild the trust. I really want to give this a try but don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions will be appreciated as well as a referral to a trained marriage Counselor based in Abuja. Thanks

@Meddler- he didn't deny d affair, he apologised. Yes, it's very possible to rebuild d trust. Ur first step is to forgive him from d depth of ur heart. If u truly forgive him, trust will be built back gradually.

He didn't deny it but he wasn't completely forthcoming with all the details. I had to get the additional details from the other woman. When I confronted him with the full detail of their relationship he did not deny it and gave the excuse that he did not want to aggravate an already bad situation

@Meddler,

Not giving full details maybe because of the respect he has for you and like he said, he didn't want to aggravate an already bad situation. It could be he told you the truth.

His actions after this episode will help you in trusting him again. Much of the work lies with him. It is natural for you to lose complete trust but you have to find a place in your heart to forgive him and start afresh.

Meanwhile, he needs to show a sincere remorse for his actions and must be willing to wholeheartedly turn a new leaf.

You guys shouldn't just talk about the event on the surface. You should discuss the roots and reasons for engaging in extra marital affairs. Understanding reasons for what he did will help in forging a way forward. And he has to be completely honest and sincere about it to achieve a positive outcome.

I agree with bellong. U both shud talk about d reason for d extra marital affair and work with it to prevent future occurrence.

Thanks for all your help we are talking things thru and I'm really trying to be optimistic about the whole situation and praying for the strength to move forward. Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is probably going to be the hardest thing.

Meddler:
Please in serious need of help. I would have loved to see a marriage Counselor but that's hard to find in these neck of the woods. I found out my husband has been having an affair. He's apologized profusely and promised to end the affair and work towards rebuilding the marriage. The problem is that the trust I had for him has completely dissipated and I don't know how to rebuild the trust I have in him. I don't even know if it's possible to rebuild the trust. I really want to give this a try but don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions will be appreciated as well as a referral to a trained marriage Counselor based in Abuja. Thanks

Meddler,
Sorry for your pain..It must be really difficult for you.
It is very difficult to own up to an affair,and confessing the nitty gritty bits even more difficult..The shame ,and the hurt it could cause...I understand why you'd want to know everything,it's part of the process of knowing why I guess but I'm sure your Dh wasn't owning up so fast maybe cos he knows it will aggravate an already dicey situation.

You have both decided to work on the marriage,that's one baby step.Truth is you may never trust him fully again..Trust is not something that comes easily..I just feel you should not put yourself under undue pressure to forgive,forget and re trust.Its impossible to build all these emotions just like that.Trust is earned and he has to earn it back one day at a time,it could take 100 years,it could take 50 years,it may never return,you dunno.I can tell you for certain that you will always be suspicious,if he says he's going down the road,you will be paranoid.While you have s ex you may be thinking of the other woman.Unfortunately,this is the price that comes with having an affair.

It's very easy for people to shout forgive,forget..You are NOT a robot..You must be going through so much pain and heartbreak.,it's alright to feel this way,it will ease with time I think..That he's sorry does not take away what he did..but at least it means he may be willing to do anything to work on the marriage.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO PROCESS...take all the time you need.There will be days that you will lash out ,you may be angry and bitter for a while..but truth is that with time,it may not hurt as much.If your Dh is a good man who made a mistake,and now submits his whole life for total scrutiny forever,you may be able to rebuild from the ashes faster.The more you rush to forgive forget and move on,the chances of you trying to hide up and cover up emotions which will bust and overflow increase.
The behavior of the offender goes a long way to determine which course the marriage will take.You say he's apologetic.You both could maybe work through it by finding the root cause..It could be anything and it could be nothing,just pure boredom.The cause may lead to at least finding a satisfactory way to heal.It won't happen over night,it takes years and plenty of effort.Many people come out stronger though..How that happens,I don't know.Maybe they insert a microchip into the mans a ss to monitor him..jokes aside,I believe they are stronger cos the partners are now fully invested in the marriage and will sacrifice anything to ease the pain of the betrayal.

Good luck you two.I hope you find the healing you need.

Meddler:
Please in serious need of help. I would have loved to see a marriage Counselor but that's hard to find in these neck of the woods. I found out my husband has been having an affair. He's apologized profusely and promised to end the affair and work towards rebuilding the marriage. The problem is that the trust I had for him has completely dissipated and I don't know how to rebuild the trust I have in him. I don't even know if it's possible to rebuild the trust. I really want to give this a try but don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions will be appreciated as well as a referral to a trained marriage Counselor based in Abuja. Thanks

My dear its not that easy to forgive and forget so dont expect a miracle
There will be good days and there will be bad days
Dont pressuruze yourself and dont be hard on yourself
it will take time
You didnt ask for this to happen.

Be open and truthful with him how you feel and explain to him that it will be a long road to get things back to the way they were.

Explain to him that you need him to be open with you and not to clam up. The more he talks, the more you know what happened, process it and can heal.

Discuss what he thinks caused this and both look at ways to close all gaps. For a lot of men, its not that they go out to cheat, but its oppourtunity in which case he needs to be able to toughen himself up becasue there will always be oppourtunity and temptation all around him.

I can imagine how you feel; the betrayal and the pain and the dashed hopes . . If only people who cheat know how painful and how much damage it causes.

Babymumsy,

Contact chaircover for some products that will ease your konji for starters.
And please have a discussion with your hubby.You are a new mom and you need time to heal.
Having a new baby and working 12 hours can drive you mad.
You need all the support you can get before you sink into post natal depression and harm somebody.
The stress is too much.sorry..

Just talk with him and take it from there.

Goodheart4God,
Sorry I'm just coming on now..them don tell you everything..nothing to add..
Good luck my dear

Babymumsy:
I need advice on these issues pls:
I feel so lonely in my marriage cos hubby hardly gists,247 with his bb chatting and studying football sites.
I just put to bed,I have to take care of my baby and also go to work 8am-8pm.I have to work and work endlessly,no time for any quiet time or to meditate.Hubby doesn't want househelp or daily help.is ds not slavery?
Having sex has also become an issue cos wen I ask,he makes me feel lik a prostitute.with the defence dat its a form of contraceptive,how do I handle all dis? Is this what marriage is supposed to feel like?

Sorry abt Ur pains and congrats for Ur newborn. U need to talk to him, let him know his action is hurting U and dat u need help around d house, make him see reasons. And again u work btw 8am-8pm, i know it's not easy closing late and coming home to care for baby but if I may ask what time do u have left for Ur hubby? It is well my Dear.

On a lighter note, u just had a baby, ur job is exhausting and hubby no gree do. Omo u strong sha, na me sef no go gree do with hubby.

chaircover:


My dear its not that easy to forgive and forget so dont expect a miracle
There will be good days and there will be bad days
Dont pressuruze yourself and dont be hard on yourself
it will take time
You didnt ask for this to happen.

Be open and truthful with him how you feel and explain to him that it will be a long road to get things back to the way they were.


Explain to him that you need him to be open with you and not to clam up. The more he talks, the more you know what happened, process it and can heal.

Discuss what he thinks caused this and both look at ways to close all gaps. For a lot of men, its not that they go out to cheat, but its oppourtunity in which case he needs to be able to toughen himself up becasue there will always be oppourtunity and temptation all around him.

I can imagine how you feel; the betrayal and the pain and the dashed hopes . . If only people who cheat know how painful and how much damage it causes.

Thank you CC. I cry so often and I still want to be in control of my emotions so we can talk things out without me going bunkers. He was my rock and now I'm looking for where to lean on. I just have to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

hispinkolo:


Meddler,
Sorry for your pain..It must be really difficult for you.
It is very difficult to own up to an affair,and confessing the nitty gritty bits even more difficult..The shame ,and the hurt it could cause...I understand why you'd want to know everything,it's part of the process of knowing why I guess but I'm sure your Dh wasn't owning up so fast maybe cos he knows it will aggravate an already dicey situation.

You have both decided to work on the marriage,that's one baby step.Truth is you may never trust him fully again..Trust is not something that comes easily..I just feel you should not put yourself under undue pressure to forgive,forget and re trust.Its impossible to build all these emotions just like that.Trust is earned and he has to earn it back one day at a time,it could take 100 years,it could take 50 years,it may never return,you dunno.I can tell you for certain that you will always be suspicious,if he says he's going down the road,you will be paranoid.While you have s ex you may be thinking of the other woman.Unfortunately,this is the price that comes with having an affair.

It's very easy for people to shout forgive,forget..You are NOT a robot..You must be going through so much pain and heartbreak.,it's alright to feel this way,it will ease with time I think..That he's sorry does not take away what he did..but at least it means he may be willing to do anything to work on the marriage.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO PROCESS...take all the time you need.There will be days that you will lash out ,you may be angry and bitter for a while..but truth is that with time,it may not hurt as much.If your Dh is a good man who made a mistake,and now submits his whole life for total scrutiny forever,you may be able to rebuild from the ashes faster.The more you rush to forgive forget and move on,the chances of you trying to hide up and cover up emotions which will bust and overflow increase.
The behavior of the offender goes a long way to determine which course the marriage will take.You say he's apologetic.You both could maybe work through it by finding the root cause..It could be anything and it could be nothing,just pure boredom.The cause may lead to at least finding a satisfactory way to heal.It won't happen over night,it takes years and plenty of effort.Many people come out stronger though..How that happens,I don't know.Maybe they insert a microchip into the mans a ss to monitor him..jokes aside,I believe they are stronger cos the partners are now fully invested in the marriage and will sacrifice anything to ease the pain of the betrayal.

Good luck you two.I hope you find the healing you need.

This gives me a glimmer of hope. I guess what hurts the most is the fact that he had the chance to end the affair when I initially confronted him even though I didn't have all the facts but he chose to continue the affair . I feel like he just feels the way he does because he got caught. I asked him when he was planning on ending the affair and it just happens to be on the same day I confronted him with all the facts

Hello Nlanders, I have good News! Am so over the moon and am thankful to God for giving me a patient heart; though it wasn't easy for me then(I thought mine is always different)I didn't know that God is planning mine in a special way. I almost disconnected from things around me cos of the lingering. Is only someone in my shoe that will understand how I feel. Meanwhile, the good news is multiple sha. God indeed maketh all things beautiful in his time. I thank God that I didn't persuade my fiance (though I tried severally lol I abi trouble maker oh I even reminded him of how almost all my suitors has married is well sha) the Uncle turned out to be nice and acted the role of a father very well on the introduction day. (Sponsered everything they came with monetary wise, it was a surprise) my traditional wedding has been fixed by God's grace, and am running around for the preparation no time self. Finally, God blessed my fiance with a better job now a multi national. His blessings are so enormous. Who am I that his mindful of. I only hear this kind of testimony as a story now am sharing mine. Word aren't enough to express how grateful iam to God. The white wedding shall be next year by His grace. I believe that everything shall turn out successful IJN. Baba God dalu.

Meddler:

This gives me a glimmer of hope. I guess what hurts the most is the fact that he had the chance to end the affair when I initially confronted him even though I didn't have all the facts but he chose to continue the affair . I feel like he just feels the way he does because he got caught. I asked him when he was planning on ending the affair and it just happens to be on the same day I confronted him with all the facts

Meddler,
1. Please remember to go for STD screening and insist he gives his own std report..Its very very important as many have lost their life this way.

2. How are you sure he has ended it?You just said he continued even after you'd confronted him.Its very very vital you make sure they are still not carrying on,not that hes now covering his tracks more carefully.
If you feel he's sorry he got caught not that sorry for his act,this sheds a different light on things.It probably means they'd gone very far and are emotionally tangled..This kind of affair is usually harder to end..
I will just say put yourself first..your emotional and physical wellbeing counts first before anyonelse.PROTECT yourself.

3. Realise that over trusting any human being most times ends in pain.Call me jaded but I do not trust anyone.I just hope that people make the right decisions when push comes to shove.And I also try to believe in them but also leave room for human let downs.Weall are fallible,only God is upright and cannot betray.Learn that and life will be a bit easier.

4. Whatever it is that you feel will make you feel better,do it.
5. I hope it's not just you looking for a counsellor,he should also be making efforts to do whatever it takes to assuage your pain.He should fight to win you back.
I'd advise you find an independent counsellor not a pastor or church elder as most times,they try to shift blame to you and tell you to wear red pant and pet.This is my personal opinion.

I'm sure you can't speak to anyone you know..friends and family cos of d shame.Theres Nothing to be ashamed of though,it's not your fault.It always helps to talk it out especially with your spouse first and then an unbiased person(professional counsellor).

You can always vent here too.Soo many have been through this.I haven't..not yet anyways so I only have limited words to say.
I hope you feel better with time.
Sorry

It is well

hispinkolo:


Meddler,
1. Please remember to go for STD screening and insist he gives his own std report..Its very very important as many have lost their life this way.

2. How are you sure he has ended it?You just said he continued even after you'd confronted him.Its very very vital you make sure they are still not carrying on,not that hes now covering his tracks more carefully.
If you feel he's sorry he got caught not that sorry for his act,this sheds a different light on things.It probably means they'd gone very far and are emotionally tangled..This kind of affair is usually harder to end..
I will just say put yourself first..your emotional and physical wellbeing counts first before anyonelse.PROTECT yourself.

3. Realise that over trusting any human being most times ends in pain.Call me jaded but I do not trust anyone.I just hope that people make the right decisions when push comes to shove.And I also try to believe in them but also leave room for human let downs.Weall are fallible,only God is upright and cannot betray.Learn that and life will be a bit easier.

4. Whatever it is that you feel will make you feel better,do it.
5. I hope it's not just you looking for a counsellor,he should also be making efforts to do whatever it takes to assuage your pain.He should fight to win you back.
I'd advise you find an independent counsellor not a pastor or church elder as most times,they try to shift blame to you and tell you to wear red pant and pet.This is my personal opinion.

I'm sure you can't speak to anyone you know..friends and family cos of d shame.Theres Nothing to be ashamed of though,it's not your fault.It always helps to talk it out especially with your spouse first and then an unbiased person(professional counsellor).

You can always vent here too.Soo many have been through this.I haven't..not yet anyways so I only have limited words to say.
I hope you feel better with time.
Sorry

I can only believe what he said coupled with the other woman's statement. I know it's not my fault because I know I did everything I could for him.

I did however discuss the issue with my family, I'm in my final months of pregnancy (our first child) and I'm really trying to put a cap on my emotions so as not to harm the baby or myself. They've been very supportive and I thank God I have them with me. I don't know how I would have made it thru alone.

Going to a pastor or priest is completely out of the question as the blame will automatically shift and again the failure to understand what I'm actually going thru and simplify the situation.

Thanks everyone for ur words of encouragement and advice. I do feel better talking it out so I don't have so much anger pent up. I just never expected this from him or the fact that it would happen so soon in our marriage.

He said he wanted to end the relationship but couldn't bring himself to make it a clean break. So they still were communicating and he kept on indulging her behavior. My finding out it what really made him take that step and finally make it a clean break. So if I didn't find out he would have continued even though he admits that he really wanted it to end but just didn't have the "willpower" to do so.
I don't know if I mentioned this earlier in my post. The other woman is his coworker and off course their close proximity obviously provided both the means and opportunity to have this affair.

I'm just emotionally and physically drained.

Meddler am so sorry for your hurt.


Congratulations Nwababy, please take it easy on the excitement .

Babymumsy:
I need advice on these issues pls:
I feel so lonely in my marriage cos hubby hardly gists,247 with his bb chatting and studying football sites.
I just put to bed,I have to take care of my baby and also go to work 8am-8pm.I have to work and work endlessly,no time for any quiet time or to meditate.Hubby doesn't want househelp or daily help.is ds not slavery?
Having sex has also become an issue cos wen I ask,he makes me feel lik a prostitute.with the defence dat its a form of contraceptive,how do I handle all dis? Is this what marriage is supposed to feel like?

I feel ur pains n I can guess how u feel. That not witstandin,how d hell would u work 12hours as a young mum? Don't u feel he is lonely too, that's y he chats n checks out those soccer sites?. How was he before u guys married, was he a talker?, were u guys even friends before u married? Plenty factors could be responsible.

Talk to him about it, let him kno how u feel about things. With God, things would workout well.

Btw, do u think he still finds u sexy?

luvablesam:


I feel ur pains n I can guess how u feel. That not witstandin,how d hell would u work 12hours as a young mum? [b]Don't u feel he is lonely too, that's y he chats n checks out those soccer sites?. [/b]How was he before u guys married, was he a talker?, were u guys even friends before u married? Plenty factors could be responsible.

Talk to him about it, let him kno how u feel about things. With God, things would workout well.

Btw, do u think he still finds u sexy?

My point exactly, not making excuse for Ur hubby oh. But I think ur work takes a greater part of u and he might be lonely too.

Wendy80:


My point exactly, not making excuse for Ur hubby oh. But I think ur work takes a greater part of u and he might be lonely too.

Yea,we men easily get bored too. Staying in a different town or country is a different ball game all together but when a couple stays together n wify works 12 straight hours!!!, hubby would surely be lonely.

Last page finally!

Got nothing to say

Just here to learn so I don't make mistakes.

hispinkolo:


You can always vent here too.Soo many have been through this.I haven't..not yet anyways so I only have limited words to say.

Not yet feels to me like you are expecting it.

Been ages I have been here pals... I want to take this time out and invite you to our wedding on the 29th of november,2014 @ enugu. I and chizzy86.

megamindmaster:
Been ages I have been here pals... I want to take this time out and invite you to our wedding on the 29th of november,2014 @ enugu. I and chizzy86.

Wow congrats, did u guys meet on NL?

Wendy80:

Wow congrats, did u guys meet on NL?

No we didn't. We just loving coming here

Hello everyone. Pls are we saying babymumsy's hubby works 8am-2pm or he doesn't work at all that we are blaming her for maybe her hubby's loneliness? Wel maybe we shld av asked if her hubby works too cos I haven't seen any job that's not between the period of 8am -6pm in this Lagos +2hrs in traffic!!

And I don't think he is lonely too cos I think the birth of a new baby shld be enuf to keep both of yu busy most especially when he wldnt allow you to get a maid or nanny. To my mind, when yu are busy going up n down sorting the New born and also making sure that yur hubby eats, he only sits with his phone,chat n check football scores..hummm..that isn't boredom!! As you are d one here, try and talk to him and ask y he wldnt get involved in what yu doing or saying.