carefreewannabe:


And that gives them the right to expect their wives to be faithful when they are not?

Nothing gives anyone the right to expect anything from another adult.

It is all a power play.

I could easily say it is my "right" when I approach the girl of my dreams and get her to give me her number that she "should" at least pick up my call and get to know me first before she makes a decision to see me or continue the interaction.

I would be silly to have that impression because reality is that she might refuse to pick my calls even after giving me her number/or realise it is me calling and then avoid me without even a conversation or explanation despite raising my hopes.

This was the same girl, giggling and encouraging me when I met her and gave me her number easily.

It is painful, humiliating and waste of my time. Who do I complain to? The UN?

The minute I realise it is all a power play and accept it, the better my life would get.

She used her power as she wishes and I have no rights.

That is life. "Should" is inferior to "would".

Sagamite:


Is that under the UN Declaration of Human rights?

It is a declaration under the Marriage act

I don't comment in some threads either because I do not want to rock the boat. A pregnant woman's husband cheated on her and she should sit down, discuss bla bla bla

I wonder what the advise would be if a sick man's wife cheated on him.

bukatyne:


It is a declaration under the Marriage act

I don't comment in some threads either because I do not want to work the boat. A pregnant woman's husband cheated on her and she should sit down, discuss bla bla bla

I wonder what the advise would be if a sick man's wife cheated on him.

If it is an act of law, then you will need to call the police.

Sagamite, are you trying to say that the answer to the pregnant ladies' predicament is polygamy?

Sagamite:


If it is an act of law, then you will need to call the police.

Ok then

Don't commit to your wifey and see the sledge hammer of God descending on ya bum

Thread is gradually getting derailed...

Sagamite:


Okay.

Why do you want to give the relationship continuation a try? I have a baby on the way. I feel I at least owe it to the baby to work things out with him and I told him that. If I was the baby wasn't on the way I would have left immediately.

Why do you think your relationship is for him? he told me so and Lord knows I have asked severally. I did leave once and he begged me to stay and yes I loved him and gave it a chance and we were working out fine.

What do you think you bring into the relationship that makes you deserve him being exclusive with you? Now that's the tricky question but I would answer as objectively as possible. I give him peace of mind, I support him and his dreams, when he was without I gave him my all, I supported him financially. I guess on the other hand I guess I wasn't always there for his sexual needs and my libido completely dropped with pregnancy but I always made an attempt and even when I was not in the mood I always caved in for him. And he was aware of my sexual appetite before we got married. But I always tried to initiate sex and he was the only declining it.

How do you see your ability in making him happy? I make him very happy and I think that's what got me in trouble. Trying to give him a place where he could relax and knowing that I would trust whatever he says. We had the same likes and maybe some dislikes. And he tells me that I'm the love of his life. And these are unsolicited compliments

Did he marry you because (i) he wanted to marry you or (ii) he wanted to marry or (iii) he felt you expected marriage? [b]He married me because he wanted to marry me. I wanted to move out of my parents house and be on my own but he didn't want me to do that. I asked him severally before we got hitched if this was what he wanted and that I was in no way pressurizing him. I love my independence so much. I was never one to fantasize about weddings or having a child. My priorities in life as follows - a good career, well paying job, being able to travel, being in a long term relationship (if it led to marriage- good) but marriage, family, kids were not necessarily on my agenda. Till now I still feel weird that I would be bringing life into the world and I'll have someone calling me mama. My family knows that I don't have the maternal instinct and getting pregnant this early in our marriage was definitely not the plan but what's happened has happened.

Do you feel you create an environment that enables him to freely express himself? I don't even know if I could give him an environment that's even more enabling. I'm not a shouter. I'm a simple girl by nature. Give me food and a good tv show and I'm good to go. I've supported myself for the better part of my adult life so I'm not necessarily looking for someone to support me.

Note: These are not attacking questions or putting the burden of blame on you, they are root-to-branch analysis of the foundation and configuration of the relationship from your perspective of how you meet his perspective and expectations. Same can be asked of him.

Modern relationship is effed up. Many men are too ball-less to dictate what they want and how the want it, and many women live a life of perceived entitlement.

Interesting questions. How did I fare. Again I'm not painting myself in a good light but that's just me. My friends usually tell me I'm a passive nerd. My motto in life - live and let live.

carefreewannabe:


And that gives them the right to expect their wives to be faithful when they are not?

Exactly! and we've had this discussion of infidelity. I asked him what he will do if he found out I was cheating on him and the typical naija male response is "I'll kill you and the guy na"

I got asked out severally even a week to my trad. I had my ex whom I dated on and off come into town for the weekend. I went to his hotel to greet him seeing as he wasn't too familiar with the city or naija (my bf when I was still leaving in the US) and showed him around town. My husband (then fiance) was out of town. I could have easily chopped and cleaned mouth. He invited me to his hotel room and we have off the chart chemistry. Did I think of giving in? Hell yea but the first thought that came to mind was my love for my fiance and soon to be husband- so I left him after we were done catching up with another one of his friend around. So I was never alone with him.

If I could so the right thing even when he wasn't around why couldn't he do the same. And that excuse that men are bound to cheat is just stupid. This only means that men are mumu

Meddler:

And that excuse that men are bound to cheat is just stu.pid. This only means that humans are mumu

Nothing can be more stu.pid........

Meddler
Take this,no homo

2CatWoman:
Sagamite, are you trying to say that the answer to the pregnant ladies' predicament is polygamy?

I only asked questions. I did not say anything.

bukatyne:


Ok then

Don't commit to your wifey and see the sledge hammer of God descending on ya bum

GOOOOODDD?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj6_98tq4mY

hispinkolo:
Meddler
Take this,no homo

Hahahahaha. Thanks. My mantra has become
To err is human, to forgive is divine. This saying so far has kept me going since yesterday and I was actually able to sleep well for the first time. When you stop expecting much from people you won't get disappointed or hurt when they do stupid things. Right now I will just have to lower my expectations. That way I get to maintain my sanity. Just have to see how the future looks from here on out .

Meddler:

I have a baby on the way. I feel I at least owe it to the baby to work things out with him and I told him that. If I was the baby wasn't on the way I would have left immediately.

Having a baby seem like a honourable reason for you both to continue the relationship.

It is in the best interest of the baby but based on the other parts of your statement, it might not be in both of you's best interest.

Meddler:

he told me so and Lord knows I have asked severally. I did leave once and he begged me to stay and yes I loved him and gave it a chance and we were working out fine.

Okay. I guess on this we can only go by what he told you and what you experienced. Fair enough.

Meddler:

Now that's the tricky question but I would answer as objectively as possible. I give him peace of mind, I support him and his dreams, when he was without I gave him my all, I supported him financially. I guess on the other hand I guess I wasn't always there for his sexual needs and my libido completely dropped with pregnancy but I always made an attempt and even when I was not in the mood I always caved in for him. And he was aware of my sexual appetite before we got married. But I always tried to initiate sex and he was the only declining it.

To be frank, this does not sound sufficient enough for the needs of an average man. It really sounds like what women tend to think men "should" want in a relationship. Secondly, some of these might be claimed (and believed) but that might not be the view of the guy.

That said, the needs of different men can be different. I would leave you to judge whether what you pride yourself as giving him is what he wants. You are the one that knows your man.

Give and want can have a deep disconnect. For example, if someone asks me what I bring to the relationship for my woman and I say, I spend a lot of time with her watching football. That might be nice for me, she might even enjoy it moderately but her needs might be extremely different and more complex than that and that is not a typical high-level need of a woman. Of course, I would probably think she "should" like that and not think of what she "would" like and "how" she would like it.

Meddler:

I make him very happy and I think that's what got me in trouble. Trying to give him a place where he could relax and knowing that I would trust whatever he says. We had the same likes and maybe some dislikes. And he tells me that I'm the love of his life. And these are unsolicited compliments.

Most women tend to want emotional, financial and physical security as a fundamental need.

Most men tend to want sex, financial success, social position/power, an aesthetically beautiful trophy partner, someone they are sexually attracted to, good conversation, limited/no arguments and little domestic work as a fundamental need.

You have to figure out which of these you provide him with (or support him in getting or not hinder him in getting) so well from your view of making him very happy.

Each gender wants more than those, those are just the fundamentals.

As for you being the love of his life, that might be very true but I also know many men say such rubbish because they think that is what they are suppose to say or that is what a woman wants to here otherwise there would be snide trouble.

I have the philosophy that there are multiple choices for everyone. If a girl is not with me, she would be with someone else and be equally happy. I am a core realist.

Meddler:

He married me because he wanted to marry me. I wanted to move out of my parents house and be on my own but he didn't want me to do that. I asked him severally before we got hitched if this was what he wanted and that I was in no way pressurizing him. I love my independence so much. I was never one to fantasize about weddings or having a child. My priorities in life as follows - a good career, well paying job, being able to travel, being in a long term relationship (if it led to marriage- good) but marriage, family, kids were not necessarily on my agenda. Till now I still feel weird that I would be bringing life into the world and I'll have someone calling me mama. My family knows that I don't have the maternal instinct and getting pregnant this early in our marriage was definitely not the plan but what's happened has happened.

If I may ask, why didn't you say "No, lets wait a bit till we get married"? Because he asked and want to is not sufficient reason to do it now if he is sure that is what he wants now.

Meddler:

I don't even know if I could give him an environment that's even more enabling. I'm not a shouter. I'm a simple girl by nature. Give me food and a good tv show and I'm good to go. I've supported myself for the better part of my adult life so I'm not necessarily looking for someone to support me.

Okay.

andromida:



Not yet feels to me like you are expecting it.

I'm married to a people pleaser..People pleasers are not the most strong willed people.In their bid to play nice,they tend to fall into trouble then blame the devil.So,no one should blame me if I'm not overtly trusting or willing to stake my left eye on cheat or not cheat.Yes,he says he detests infidelity etc but I don't think his character is strong enough if pushed hard enough.I'm open to change my mind though.

This does not in anyway mean I am flippant about cheating,NO.I was obsessed with it in the first year of marriage then eventually chilled out when i knew what options are available to me in the event of such.It's the only thing i'm 100% certain that will destroy my marriage because i CANNOT forgive.I'd love to be able to but i feel it's impossible for me. It would be better he just comes out and discusses anything that is unsatisfactory or lapses we both can work on,not running around and having affairs and expecting me to stoop to conquer.I would rather channel my energy into conquering a new blokos.After that,it's 1-1.We can then go for counselling.
If there's something my husband is sure of,it's the fact that I will retaliate.How i'd do that,no one knows yet.

I have lived with a father who cheated albeit discreetly and unfortunately I always caught him.I dunno how or why(my family says i have catching spirit) but I always caught my dad and ofcourse told my mother.She always acted so helpless and i resented her weakness.Their marriage is okay for them, my dad is an excellent father but a terrible husband.Forever threatening her with divorce that time despite being wrong on soo many counts.Bless them though,don't know how they do it.
This experience shaped me.I hate helplessness and won't allow anyone put me in that position.I cannot be threatened with divorce(i'm soo immune),chasing me away from my home,or taking my kids.Lai lai..I earn a good pay and i have the law to fight for me no shaking.
So i know DH and I are loving each other because we want to,i'm in the marriage willingly,sacrificing myself daily building us up.same goes for him according to what he says.If he chooses to step out, that's the ultimate betrayal,there will be no going back.

I cannot ofcourse advise anyone to even consider my stance.Everyone is different though and I have to do whatever will help me sleep at night.
So the only viable options are to talk and pray.
Una call me what u want but I'm being very candid as i'm anonymous.v

hispinkolo:


I'm married to a people pleaser..People pleasers are not the most strong willed people.In their bid to play nice,they tend to fall into trouble then blame the devil.So,no one should blame me if I'm not overtly trusting or willing to stake my left eye on cheat or not cheat.Yes,he says he detests infidelity etc but I don't think his character is strong enough if pushed hard enough.I'm open to change my mind though.

This does not in anyway mean I am flippant about cheating,NO.I was obsessed with it in the first year of marriage then eventually chilled out when i knew what options are available to me in the event of such.It's the only thing i'm 100% certain that will destroy my marriage because i CANNOT forgive.I'd love to be able to but i feel it's impossible for me. It would be better he just comes out and discusses anything that is unsatisfactory or lapses we both can work on,not running around and having affairs and expecting me to stoop to conquer.I would rather channel my energy into conquering a new blokos.After that,it's 1-1.We can then go for counselling.
If there's something my husband is sure of,it's the fact that I will retaliate.How i'd do that,no one knows yet.

I have lived with a father who cheated albeit discreetly and unfortunately I always caught him.I dunno how or why(my family says i have catching spirit) but I always caught my dad and ofcourse told my mother.She always acted so helpless and i resented her weakness.Their marriage is okay for them, my dad is an excellent father but a terrible husband.Forever threatening her with divorce that time despite being wrong on soo many counts.Bless them though,don't know how they do it.
This experience shaped me.I hate helplessness and won't allow anyone put me in that position.I cannot be threatened with divorce(i'm soo immune),chasing me away from my home,or taking my kids.Lai lai..I earn a good pay and i have the law to fight for me no shaking.
So i know DH and I are loving each other because we want to,i'm in the marriage willingly,sacrificing myself daily building us up.same goes for him according to what he says.If he chooses to step out, that's the ultimate betrayal,there will be no going back.

I cannot ofcourse advise anyone to even consider my stance.Everyone is different though and I have to do whatever will help me sleep at night.
So the only viable options are to talk and pray.
Una call me what u want but I'm being very candid as i'm anonymous.v

You are not anonymous hehehe

I know you

Nice one

Lol @ you will retaliate if he cheats, how you don't know

hispinkolo:


Una call me what u want but I'm being very candid as i'm anonymous.v

You can't be too sure of that. My software found you out...

@retaliation, it is better you walk away than retaliate except you have a stony heart. You may not be able to live freely with yourself afterwards.

Ahhh then it's time to deactivate naaaaa
Cheers everyone!

^^^^ ha ha ha ha ha....


Na joke ooooo

Ahhh then it's time to deactivate naaaaa
Cheers everyone!

LOL

I don't know you o!

God forgive me, I yam a lied

hispinkolo:

I'm married to a people pleaser..People pleasers are not the most strong willed people.In their bid to play nice,they tend to fall into trouble then blame the devil.So,no one should blame me if I'm not overtly trusting or willing to stake my left eye on cheat or not cheat.Yes,he says he detests infidelity etc but I don't think his character is strong enough if pushed hard enough.I'm open to change my mind though.
This does not in anyway mean I am flippant about cheating,NO.I was obsessed with it in the first year of marriage then eventually chilled out when i knew what options are available to me in the event of such.It's the only thing i'm 100% certain that will destroy my marriage because i CANNOT forgive.I'd love to be able to but i feel it's impossible for me. It would be better he just comes out and discusses anything that is unsatisfactory or lapses we both can work on,not running around and having affairs and expecting me to stoop to conquer.I would rather channel my energy into conquering a new blokos.After that,it's 1-1.We can then go for counselling.
If there's something my husband is sure of,it's the fact that I will retaliate.How i'd do that,no one knows yet.
I have lived with a father who cheated albeit discreetly and unfortunately I always caught him.I dunno how or why(my family says i have catching spirit) but I always caught my dad and ofcourse told my mother.She always acted so helpless and i resented her weakness.Their marriage is okay for them, my dad is an excellent father but a terrible husband.Forever threatening her with divorce that time despite being wrong on soo many counts.Bless them though,don't know how they do it.
This experience shaped me.I hate helplessness and won't allow anyone put me in that position.I cannot be threatened with divorce(i'm soo immune),chasing me away from my home,or taking my kids.Lai lai..I earn a good pay and i have the law to fight for me no shaking.
So i know DH and I are loving each other because we want to,i'm in the marriage willingly,sacrificing myself daily building us up.same goes for him according to what he says.If he chooses to step out, that's the ultimate betrayal,there will be no going back.
I cannot ofcourse advise anyone to even consider my stance.Everyone is different though and I have to do whatever will help me sleep at night.
So the only viable options are to talk and pray.
Una call me what u want but I'm being very candid as i'm anonymous.v

If you feel my questions are invasive[b] forgive me[/b] but why don't you trust this man? I get he is a people pleaser and all that but it feels to me you are expecting him to fail the marriage. Could you be projecting your fears from your childhood experience on your husband?

You are already on the defensive with a plan to retaliate. I feel curious about a plan like this in your marriage looks like you are on the defensive expecting the worst from him and this is not about him but your expectation i get not trusting anyone because we are all humans therefore fallible but it comes across to me as judging him for a crime he has not yet committed. There maybe things going i don't know about i just picked up on this so thank you for allowing to explore my curiosity.

@bukatyne & bellong,
had to deactivate ooo..I'm back though.
trying to now catch me hopefully will be harder

andromida:


If you feel my questions are invasive[b] forgive me[/b] but why don't you trust this man? I get he is a people pleaser and all that but it feels to me you are expecting him to fail the marriage. Could you be projecting your fears from your childhood experience on your husband?

You are already on the defensive with a plan to retaliate. I feel curious about a plan like this in your marriage looks like you are on the defensive expecting the worst from him and this is not about him but your expectation i get not trusting anyone because we are all humans therefore fallible but it comes across to me as judging him for a crime he has not yet committed. There maybe things going i don't know about i just picked up on this so thank you for allowing to explore my curiosity.

u just said my mind

Madampinkolo:
@bukatyne & bellong,
had to deactivate ooo..I'm back though.
trying to now catch me hopefully will be harder

Thankfully you came back with a new ID! I have learnt so much from a lot of your posts and find your honesty refreshing, you say it as it is (no sugar coating). Please don't deactivate this new id or stop posting. thanks

Sagamite:


To be frank, this does not sound sufficient enough for the needs of an average man. It really sounds like what women tend to think men "should" want in a relationship. Secondly, some of these might be claimed (and believed) but that might not be the view of the guy.

That said, the needs of different men can be different. I would leave you to judge whether what you pride yourself as giving him is what he wants. You are the one that knows your man.

But that's the thing. If he wants more then he should speak out. I'm not psychic. It's just like women who go around thinking they have a bad husband because he doesn't show some romantic gesture. How is the man supposed to know what you like romantically if you don't say so. No one can read minds that's where communicating comes in.

Give and want can have a deep disconnect. For example, if someone asks me what I bring to the relationship for my woman and I say, I spend a lot of time with her watching football. That might be nice for me, she might even enjoy it moderately but her needs might be extremely different and more complex than that and that is not a typical high-level need of a woman. Of course, I would probably think she "should" like that and not think of what she "would" like and "how" she would like it.

Communication!!! You can't be in a relationship and not be able to express urself freely and openly. What the heck are you doing in that relationship then?


Most women tend to want emotional, financial and physical security as a fundamental need.

Most men tend to want sex, financial success, social position/power, an aesthetically beautiful trophy partner, someone they are sexually attracted to, good conversation, limited/no arguments and little domestic work as a fundamental need.

You have to figure out which of these you provide him with (or support him in getting or not hinder him in getting) so well from your view of making him very happy.

Each gender wants more than those, those are just the fundamentals.

Then there was no reason to continue the relationship and let it progress to man and wife. Breaking up is painful but I'll eventually get over it. Everybody does. I didn't put a gun to his head and insist he should wife me. No sir! I'll rather die as a single woman with peace of mind.

As for you being the love of his life, that might be very true but I also know many men say such rubbish because they think that is what they are suppose to say or that is what a woman wants to here otherwise there would be snide trouble.

And I get that. People say things that they might think you want to hear- I hate that. I'll rather you be bluntly honest with me so I know where I stand. Its not like I can read his mind and know if he's been genuine about his feelings. His actions make me think so but after time I've had to rethink that and I've told him.

I have the philosophy that there are multiple choices for everyone. If a girl is not with me, she would be with someone else and be equally happy. I am a core realist.

Exactly!!!


If I may ask, why didn't you say "No, lets wait a bit till we get married"? Because he asked and want to is not sufficient reason to do it now if he is sure that is what he wants now.

I caved into family pressure and his, forgetting the most important person in the equation- Me. I regret that and not just because of his infidelity. But I've found myself questioning my decision.

Okay.

Thanks for the self evaluation and your input

Meddler (your last statement made me comment as i sense you are at your tether's end..[size=4pt] i had decided to abstain from this thread)[/size]

Its all well and good being instropective and all.. trying to identify the root cause of the aberration however it should make you doubt yourself, regret the relationship or forget the good times(if there were any though)

Also this is an opportunity to as it were lay the law and set boundaries

There is room for improvement.. make the changes you can make without having any grudge

Dont overthink it

You have already said .. you were taking it one day at a time

Continue forth

pickabeau1:
Meddler (your last statement made me comment as i sense you are at your tether's end..[size=4pt] i had decided to abstain from this thread)[/size]

Its all well and good being instropective and all.. trying to identify the root cause of the aberration however it should make you doubt yourself, regret the relationship or forget the good times(if there were any though)

Also this is an opportunity to as it were lay the law and set boundaries

There is room for improvement.. make the changes you can make without having any grudge

Dont overthink it

You have already said .. you were taking it one day at a time

Continue forth

Yea I know. Thanks

andromida:


If you feel my questions are invasive[b] forgive me[/b] but why don't you trust this man? I get he is a people pleaser and all that but it feels to me you are expecting him to fail the marriage. Could you be projecting your fears from your childhood experience on your husband?

You are already on the defensive with a plan to retaliate. I feel curious about a plan like this in your marriage looks like you are on the defensive expecting the worst from him and this is not about him but your expectation i get not trusting anyone because we are all humans therefore fallible but it comes across to me as judging him for a crime he has not yet committed. There maybe things going i don't know about i just picked up on this so thank you for allowing to explore my curiosity.

I'm naturally a bit pessimistic to be honest and he has semi tampered with my trust in him and that was while dating.No,he didn't cheat but he was planning to meet up with someone and lied about it.The person in question and the way he went about it caused me to break up with him.It was a huge deal.We eventually made up but I carried it into our marriage.I've let go but you know my spirit
Plus i know who i'm married to and his weakness.I know how easily carried away he gets.How easy it is to topple any misgivings he has.You've read up what i've written before and you see he's not able to take a firm stance most times.I know the kind of friends he had,and how he just followed every wind that blew.He's just like that.He can say No in theory but when it comes to action .There have been times that i've expected him to say a firm NO to something that's wrong instead of dillydallying or dodging.He let me down on these occasions.No matter how lovely he is,or how much in love we are,I have to be realistic and see his failings for exactly what they are and the consequences that could occur.If you look back at my former post,you'd see there was a girl who wanted him to be a gym instructor..Now,a firm no nonsense guy would shut her down but my DH was playing nice.People like him get themselves into difficult situations and then start calling Holy Spirit when it's too late.I worry about what will happen if i'm not there to be a voice of reason?How will you then know when to draw the line and quit being nice?We are working on restoring my confidence in him,but you know these things take a while.


I have seen the effect of cheating,how much unhappiness it can cause and then having nowhere to run to again??!!My mother,ontop of her game careerwise,excellent wife in my books but turning a blind eye thinking she was doing us a favour?Though i was the one catching my dad,he was very brazen at some point.My mom chose to stay there and i HATED it.I swore to be opposite of her.

People say that thinking divorce is an option actually means you will give up on the marriage,but for me it's the the opposite.It's some sort of security for me that i'm not trapped.I don't have to do anything i don't want to.I don't have to bear anything i don't want to.I don't have to wallow in unhappiness.I have a CHOICE.

Now,because of my views and expectations,he sat up and knew that the normal bullshait wouldn't work with me.We have a team here and he has a wife is obsessively loyal.I have put my whole soul,body,mind into us.I've sacrificed everything.I went against my family and friends to be with him.

If anyone has a reason to cheat,it should be me.I'm the one who has only chopped one ogbono all my life.So,it's clear to us that once he starts thinking of eating egusi,the floor will open for me to eat okro.We have had this discussion,hypothetically especially when we were newlyweds,,i like things being out in the open..And judging by my character well...exploring other options will likely happen once that door is opened(or at least an attempt).Forgiveness will happen after that.I know the sitting down,talking won't work for me until i do something.(I'd like to add that he expects me to be a saint
Cheating to me is worse than no money or no providing.I'd rather have a poor faithful man than a cheating billionnaire

Bellong,
He doesn't believe in divorce,he said we must die married.No walking away.
Why won't i be able to live freely with myself?
I'll confess naww...we both will forgive eachother and go for counselling.

Meddler,
You'll be fine.You have your head screwed right and a fantastic support system.
They'll semi hate him though.
Please remember to take care of yourself and baby..
Time will heal all wounds i suppose..

Sagamite:


Nothing gives anyone the right to expect anything from another adult.

It is all a power play.

I could easily say it is my "right" when I approach the girl of my dreams and get her to give me her number that she "should" at least pick up my call and get to know me first before she makes a decision to see me or continue the interaction.

I would be silly to have that impression because reality is that she might refuse to pick my calls even after giving me her number/or realise it is me calling and then avoid me without even a conversation or explanation despite raising my hopes.

This was the same girl, giggling and encouraging me when I met her and gave me her number easily.

It is painful, humiliating and waste of my time. Who do I complain to? The UN?

The minute I realise it is all a power play and accept it, the better my life would get.

She used her power as she wishes and I have no rights.

That is life. "Should" is inferior to "would".

We are talking about relationships and marriages here, aren't we?
The example you gave involves two strangers and not two people who know each other, share their lives, become intimate and build up trust.
We are talking about married people who promised each other something. And if you cannot trust your husband / partner to keep his / her promises, who in this world can you trust? Are promises not based on the premise that they will be kept, especially by those who we love and trust?

Therefore, I don't agree that "Nothing gives anyone the right to expect anything from another adult." because all our close relationships are built on expectations without which they could not function.

You have the right to expect from your best friend not to sleep with your girlfriend.
And you have the right to expect from your girlfriend not to throw herself at your friends.
It is your right to expect minimum respect from people close to you.


The fact that they can choose not to meet these expectations is a different thing.
They can do it even though it would be considered wrong for different (moral) reasons. However, it is not your fault to have trusted those close to you. And this trust is based on the expectation that those closest to you will avoid to hurt you in one way or another.

Without these expectations, there can be no trust and we will have dysfunctional relationships full of mistrust. These unwritten expectations make our close relationships (with family members, friends, boy- and girlfriends) special and set a framework for us that we need.

You can question these norms but you cannot deny that these norms are generally accepted and that we actually profit from them.
It is human to have such expectations as it is human to want to have relationships built on trust. To trust, we need to be free to have expectations in our relationships.

The fact that some people will not meet them will sometimes lead to disappointments but that does not deny people the right to have expectations.

And of course we cannot complain to the UN when someone disappoints us and there is no moral police we can call to arrest someone who disappoints our expectations but that does not make moral standards and values which lead to expectations invalid.

I could go on giving examples of how necessary and vital it is to have expectations in other spheres of life but I will leave it at that for now.

Meddler:


Exactly! and we've had this discussion of infidelity. I asked him what he will do if he found out I was cheating on him and the typical naija male response is "I'll kill you and the guy na"

I got asked out severally even a week to my trad. I had my ex whom I dated on and off come into town for the weekend. I went to his hotel to greet him seeing as he wasn't too familiar with the city or naija (my bf when I was still leaving in the US) and showed him around town. My husband (then fiance) was out of town. I could have easily chopped and cleaned mouth. He invited me to his hotel room and we have off the chart chemistry. Did I think of giving in? Hell yea but the first thought that came to mind was my love for my fiance and soon to be husband- so I left him after we were done catching up with another one of his friend around. So I was never alone with him.

If I could so the right thing even when he wasn't around why couldn't he do the same. And that excuse that men are bound to cheat is just stupid. This only means that men are mumu

Like I said, some people want to have their cake and eat it. Selfish, unfair creatures.

@bold

Sagamite come when you go marry self? We need all this ya theory for practical o.

This cheating matter is a very complex one, there's emotions , reality, and then the reality that most people get ruled by emotions anyways.