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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? (6891 Views)
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Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by coogar: 12:58am On Jul 29, 2014 |
bukatyne: There was no input required. I believe that for them to be engaged, they have started planning their future together. you don't get it. |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 1:04am On Jul 29, 2014 |
MRbrownJAY: sista Efe Shouldn't it be? How many times should a young, yet-to-wed couple envision getting married in their lifetime? Multiple times?? MRbrownJAY: The happiest day of your life. Shouldn't it be? MRbrownJAY: And yes, it's every girl's dream to want that day to be as special as possible." Isn't a girl entitled to have dreams about what her wedding day should be? Is her wedding day meant to be just any mundane, ordinary day? Is it the crime of the century to want the day she marries her true love / better half to be special? You seem to be deliberately overlooking the bit where I followed on immediately by stating that whether this is achievable or not remains to be seen as they should both work together towards this. MRbrownJAY: ....and then follow that statement with:"a man who really cares for you should understand that without being told" Yep, it's a no-brainer. Granted men aren't mind readers, but it's common sense to know / realise without it being spelt out in A, B, C to you/him that this day of all days is special. And what do you do on special days, MBJ. Do you let them pass like any other ordinary day? If yes, then why bother getting married in the first place, since it's just a piece of paper anyway? Why bother with celebrating it? MRbrownJAY: then obviously it IS a do or die issue for you, whether it is achievable or not, since "men should understand that without being told"......... therefore, unless a woman SAYS directly to her man:"I do not want a fancy wedding" then a man will believe that fancy wedding is a must for this lady. I disagree about it being a do-or-die-affair for the reasons already stated above. For a man to expect a woman to come up to him saying "I do not want a fancy wedding" shows he's nothing but a tight-fisted, miserable Scrooge who would do better with remaining single than part with his precious coins. This lady in question works and earns her own money. She isn't a leech nor a liability so your suggestion for her to have a drab day of a wedding is moot. MRbrownJAY: You know, she didn't beg the man to propose to her. He did so without a gun being held to his head. If getting married to her is going to cause him so many sleepless nights, then he really should question himself as to whether tying the knot now is the best option. He isn't doing her a favour by marrying her. Why would you even suggest it? Is she an orphan with no family of her own? Did he find her in the gutters? Would him marrying her elevate her to heaven-knows-what-sort-of-dizzying-heights? From the sound of it, he's even struggling to make ends meet and she's been very patient with him. MBJ, advice your brother to learn some much needed skills in tact and decorum. He's definitely in need of a good polish. He's just too rough around the edges. 8 Likes |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 1:09am On Jul 29, 2014 |
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Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 1:17am On Jul 29, 2014 |
MRbrownJAY: You're making inferences. Her gripe with him is his uncouth manner of approach. Him flinging it all in her face as per choose: Marriage or house. That's wrong and you know it, MBJ. Stop making excuses for him. MRbrownJAY: And how do you know that she wouldn't have approached the matter in exactly the way you've just stated? Did he give her the chance to? Did his approach pave the way for a mature discussion between them to thrash out their issues? Marriage is no child's play and what he did was extremely childish. She on the other hand has played it cool and even though she's upset with him, she's been mature enough to rein in her vexation and simply ignore him. Nor be the same guy dey bombard her with phone calls now? How come, if she's as materalistic and an enemy-of-progress as you seem bent on painting her to be? Abeg, I dey go sleep jare. Today is another working day of the week. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Grayz: 1:25am On Jul 29, 2014 |
EfemenaXY: Wow! So intelligent and matured. EfemenaXY Can we be friends? EfemenaXY: Wow! So intelligent and matured. EfemenaXY Can we be friends? |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 1:35am On Jul 29, 2014 |
@EfemenaXY - Yes marriage is once in a life time event, but there are ways to go about getting married. do you know that you can get married for less than a £€$100?! no fancy ceremony needed and you would feel just as special (as if it was a £€$billion marriage). FACT! - marriage does NOT become the happiest day of someone's life simply because there is a fancy ceremony attached to it. FACT! - any girl has the right to dream about what her dream day should be (with princes on white horses etc), but she needs to wake the hell up as soon as she is planning for that said ceremony "in reality". FACT! - if someone cannot PAY for their own fancy wedding, then they should accept whatever ceremony they can AFFORD. FACT! - no matter how special that day must be, it can never be a priority over building a home, for two people who dont even own their own home. FACT! - fancy ceremonies are a big deal to women, and certainly not to the majority of us men. it is a waste of money geared only toward satisfying the future bride and her unrealistic fairytale dreams. FACT! - any woman who daydream about a fancy wedding ceremony (all her life) needs to tell her future husband that she doesnt want one, and mean it. failure to do so will have that said husband believe that it is a do or die mission. FACT! - any woman who think that a man is tight fisted (aka stingy) by not wanting a fancy wedding, obviously dont have a clue about us men. i can find +10 things more useful for the family to do with the money, rather than paying for a fancy wedding. FACT! - YES, this lady works and earns her own money, but yet she never mentioned ONCE about spending her own cash to contribute for whatever she desires (we still would like to know what it is she truly desires and why she never said it to her partner when it mattered). FACT! - no sane man would propose a fancy wedding over building a home (on his own plot of land) FOR NO DAMN REASON. we can all conclude that he did so because he knew it was a do or die issue for the OP (or that he is simply insane lol) FACT! - this man certainly is doing the OP a favour when he puts such insane option on the table. we all know that if he did so it is because he knows that it is a "do or die" dream of the OP. if not, then why would a sane man propose such an immature option? FACT! - this man did not act properly, and should have simply sat with this lady and said:"babe, I have X amount of money, we could A) build a home, B) have a fancy wedding, or C) you contribute and we can have both. end of discussion. FACT! 6 Likes |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by armyofone(m): 3:38am On Jul 29, 2014 |
OP, your ans to his question is okay. Let him build the house. If the relationship continues, good. If not, you can always move on. Hold on to your own job and save. LOL @ Efe's tight fisted miserable scrooge aka Aka gum |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 5:38am On Jul 29, 2014 |
I dont understand the spin. Sorry to say her mindset is clear. "God forbid that I sponsor my own wedding" I am a woman and I say this is not about how he said but about the money for a big wedding. She wants a big wedding he wants something more concrete. He wants a partner she has the mind set that its his job to provide and hers just to chip in. Its all great only that they both have different financial orientations. I hope they iron this out before getting married as this is a major step. From our 3rd month of dating we started a joint account I simply saw myself as a partner building a future with a man I love and trusted, it didnt matter who put in more we just knew we hard a goal so a percentage of both our incomes and any extra cash that came in went into the account, after saving for that long we both realised it will be silly to use it for one day and invested instead. My point is not to brag but to show how partnership works, if this couple do not get their acts together at this point make them no marry as their ideas towards money are north and south. Get off Nairaland and go and have a long talk with your fiance, both of you should decide where you stand with finances and your expectations. 4 Likes |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 7:36am On Jul 29, 2014 |
@MBJ: On mobile now so I can't quote you now or give an extensive reply till later. But just so we're in the same page, what's your definition / understanding of a "fanciful wedding"? Because the way I see it, it's subjective to personal opinion and definitely relative to a person's individual / couple's joint income. What I'm driving at is this: what I might view as your average low-key budget wedding, you might see it as extravagant. Good morning! |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by damiso(f): 8:06am On Jul 29, 2014 |
MRbrownJAY: sista Damiso MBJ fancy wedding is subjective naa.By some people's standard my wedding that I felt I tried to cut costs was a fancy wedding but the difference is my family paid or rather contributed a huge chunk to it.My point on spending gazillions is more or less based on affordability.When Chelsea Clinton got married thousands of dollars was spent and it was fairytale like (am guessing her parents also paid for a huge chunk) but will it not be stupid for someone whose parents are not the Clintons to base their own ideas on that?As I said earlier its cultural and sometimes those "fancy weddings' are not even paid for by the couple. If you are in a position where you have to choose between it means you can't afford both so you both (not shifted to one person) have to work round that limited budget and the sensible thing is to choose a long term investment. And yes weddings are ONE of the happiest days of your life and in Yoruba culture is even one of the milestones of joy in a parents life (mo sin omo mi ni iyawo meaning I gave my daughter's hand out in marriage).My Dad went overboard and even though I moaned sometimes it was something that gave him joy.He died not too long after so I guess in a way he got to do at least one as he won't be there when my sister gets married. |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 8:32am On Jul 29, 2014 |
damiso: Your parents paid for most of your wedding that is different from the posters view on "God forbid I sponsor my own wedding" When we shout women empowerment it starts from this, working hand in hand with our husbands to achieve a common goal. I see a man who brought for discussion with his fiancee their future; lets have a big wedding or let us build a home and have a smaller one. HE COULD HAVE DECIDED ON HIS OWN and Informed her seeing its his money and we would have cursed him but he didnt, he came like a partner and asked that they both be responsible for their future. My and Hubby said when we chose our own, anyone who wants a big wedding should pay for it as we dont have the money. I was on a flight with someone from Malaysia who had lived in the south south for 20 years farming and selling palm oil, he said the problem with our people is we "underachieve and overcelebrate" that in all his years there his workers would ask for loans for burials and namings and not one to build a small business, they were satisfied with crumbs as long as they could attend endless ceremonies weekends and host their own parties with loans and on credit. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by babestell(f): 9:28am On Jul 29, 2014 |
Oya Sister Grayz, By now you should know what to do. we agree that the manner of approach used vy the guy wasn't the best but that's life. Maybe he put it that way because hr seriously couldn't think of another way. You guys should sit down with book and pen and list out your options. Efemena_xy has already provided you some. Maybe bros is just confused, who knows what kind of stories his friends have been telling him about house building, isn't it a time /resource's consuming activity. Please sit and talk it over. Then you sef try and contribute to the house project. I don't understand when you say you are not gonna pay for the wedding just support, how far is support for you? Pray for the wisdom that comes from above to help two of you get through this stronger and better 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Dmh(f): 9:55am On Jul 29, 2014 |
alutacontinua: Please, can somebody kindly tell me what exactly he was testing in his fiancee?Her REASONING; D guy wanted to know how wise her decision could be & d lady did a good justice to dat.it's a simple mindset TEST. Av I answered ur question sis |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by damiso(f): 10:01am On Jul 29, 2014 |
aisha2: I agree with you on working with our husbands to achieve a common goal.As I shared earlier I even had to put my foot down to my parents when I thought they were embarking on things I knew my husband might not be able to afford and I also contributed my own resources one way or the other. I however don't necessarily agree that its a 'our people ' problem.Its a universal thing.I also agree that getting loans or taking things on credit for celebrations is foolish cos it means you can't afford it.I used to think we are the only ones but now I know its world over. Our weddings are childsplay compared to what Asians spend on weddings and they are very shrewd and business oriented people.Oyinbo might not kill cows and block road for burial but I have personally seen where they spent over £5, 000 on flowers. Flowers that will die Jews as well spend alot on weddings and we all know how savvy they are too when it comes to spending. So yeah culture has a big part to play in how we celebrate and I don't necessarily think it's just us. If you can afford it why not? Some people already have the houses, the investments, the whatever you want to say they could use the money for so if they want to spend on a fancy wedding why not? Wedding industry is actually a job creator in Nigeria and all those photographers, event planners etc might otherwise be unemployed. As for original poster though I also don't think that God forbid I pay for my wedding is clear to me? What do you mean by God forbid? 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Dmh(f): 10:05am On Jul 29, 2014 |
Grayz:relax dear, he only wanted to know if he can rely on u in d area of decision making in d future coz a time will come in marriage whereby d wife will av to make/take some decisions 4 her husband. Pls don't be mad @ him coz he only want to know how effective u will be in dat area |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by coogar: 10:06am On Jul 29, 2014 |
aisha2: you must be very intelligent - with a very good head on your shoulders. unfortunately for nigerian men, you are the very last of a dying breed. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 10:15am On Jul 29, 2014 |
damiso: The key phrase "IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT", let the celebration be equal to your achievements. If you have achieved loads and have assets and dont need to borrow or strain to have a bomb ar-se party then by all means knock yourself out but if it comes down to either an assest or a one day celebration and we choose the one day celebration then we are underachieving and over celebrating. So after spending all the money that would have been used for a life long house on one day we will start hustling to pay landlord and God knows when with Landlord fees, wedding debts you will raise more funds for the house project. Like we told our own people when we were ready if you want something big then fund it and right now thats what is happening. |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 10:17am On Jul 29, 2014 |
coogar: There are loads of women who reason like me oh, I meet them everyday, unfortunately they are not the flashy ones our brothers like, lol. Our brothers will see low maintainance toyota and go for the porsche and start crying about maintainance cost lol. 4 Likes |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by coogar: 10:20am On Jul 29, 2014 |
aisha2: why can't we have the best of both worlds? how come the flashy ones rarely have a good head on their shoulders? is it a curse? damiso: it's self-explanatory..... it means my husband must pay for my fairytale wedding by hook or crook. God forbid a situation where she would be the one to pay for "her own" fantasies. she could contribute a small portion but the burden must rest on the husband's shoulders. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 10:28am On Jul 29, 2014 |
coogar: Lol, no be money them dey use maintain the flash? Instead of me buying 400k bag I will say let me buy one small land in my state, or let me help widows start a business. Instead of carry 300k phone to show off I go say make I add am to my business. Lol. Once in a while we splurge and spoil ourselves but no be do or die as e dey be for the flashy babe, make new bag comot and you no buy for her chai you go hear am |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by coogar: 10:36am On Jul 29, 2014 |
aisha2: why must the cost come out of their partner's wallet. i don't mind if a woman is flashy as long as she's the one maintaining herself. if she wants a 400k bag when i can only give 200k, then she must be ready to chip in the balance by herself. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by ayando(m): 10:37am On Jul 29, 2014 |
alutacontinua:. So you will marry a man without knowing his strengths n weaknesses when real shit presents itself? Anyway, that is why courtship is important. You can only speak for yourself in which I support your position on this issue but for the op, there is obviously sometin hidden she didn't disclose . For me, I didn't see anytin wrong in what he did. |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by damiso(f): 10:43am On Jul 29, 2014 |
aisha2: Agreed.I think I also said if it's either or,means you can't afford it. coogar: Coogar don come o how does that mean her husband must pay for her 'fairytale' wedding by hook or by crook. Pay is subjective jare.I paid all our wedding registry fees so to me I paid for the most important part the legal bit all those others were feferity As I said earlier these things are sometimes cultural.I remember some of my Igbo friends were a bit puzzled at my dad paying for our wedding.They could not comprehend it as they felt how can I pay to train my daughter and then now pay for you to marry her.I had to explain that how it's done in yorubaland but the groom or his family can choose to chip in as they deem fit. I was chief bridesmaid to one of my friends and she had a very low key white wedding which she contrbuted quite a lot to but she and her hubby had to code it like he was the one who spent all the money as it's seen as a sign of not being financially ready for marriage if you cannot afford to fund your wedding without your wife's input. Coogar all this mouth you are making sef I have read somewhere on this same NL where you said weddings are not meant to skimped on.ehhh so why you come dey vex for this OP. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 10:43am On Jul 29, 2014 |
coogar: When one sweats finish, endures boring meetings, Bosses wahala and the rest then he/ she will know 200k is not easy to come by and spend on something that wont give profit in essence if you suffer to make the money you go careful in spending |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by damiso(f): 10:44am On Jul 29, 2014 |
coogar: Why can't she carry 20k bag |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 11:03am On Jul 29, 2014 |
damiso: Gbam na understanding oh. Financeis half of marriage oh. Most of the time its handly expenses, planning for it and spending money. If a couple doesnt get that right before marriage wahala go dey oh. |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by coogar: 11:40am On Jul 29, 2014 |
damiso: that's what she was implying thus the need to add "God forbid" to her statement. naija men are trying. they are expected to come with the goods & when they demand their own perks, the women turn around & claim gender equality. how convenient....
long throat is not a cultural thing.
he will pay her back in cash or in kind one day soon. her kindness shall never be forgiven.
if the couple can afford it, why not? the problem is when the bride fully knows her groom cannot afford it but she still wants to keep with the joneses & demand a societal wedding. one armed robber confessed recently that he went into robbery because his bride-to-be put pressure on his shoulder to foot the bill or forget about marrying her. aisha2: aisha, spend this money - you only live once. damiso: i am all for a woman looking good but her expectations must not be higher than my wallet. if it is, she must be ready to fill in the gap. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 12:16pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
Hahahahaha Coogar, you sound like my Husband @ "spend that money" I am always calculating he is more spontanous lol |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 12:20pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
OmoAlata1: you can still have both. He can build his house which is a better investment than expensive wedding. Just ask to go to registry and get married. A year after building the house, you can have wedding of your dreams (a yr is plenty time to save). That way you get best of both world. A husband and a house (that will appreciate in value as time goes by) Best comment! Anyways why are people dead set at having expensive weddings that they can truly not afford only to go live in a rented one room after that? It beats me |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Nobody: 12:32pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
Grayz: Actually you should be honoured by the guy's action. He exhibits qualities of a great life partner by including you in decision making about your future and what is important. Hence men decide to make decision s and not consult you, damned if he does and damned if don't. This is opportunity to work with your partner and plan a bright future for the 2 of you. He is not trapping you but wants to know how important is a flashy expensive wedding to you? He also wants a beautiful house to call your home without taking your wedding dream away from you. He is wise if you ask me. 1 Like |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by ogawisdom(m): 12:41pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
U acted well nw clap for urself, good lady. Nw y r u nt picking his calls I guess u wanted d marriage more than d houz. Pick his calls n continue ur rship wit him before u drop all d points u ve made already. Support him in d house project, its most likely its ur houz too. For me he would ve married u n then u two put ur heads together n build d house. Life na step by step, Its very good u didn't tell him urself sha |
Re: My Fiance Asked Me To Choose: House Or Marriage? by Dmh(f): 2:16pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
This guy actually knows what he's doing,it's not as if d lady is pestering him for any wedding which means he only want to know what her opinion/priority will be. Mind u, d guy might as well av more than enough cash for d wedding & d Building project. |
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