EfemenaXY: @MBJ: On mobile now so I can't quote you now or give an extensive reply till later.
But just so we're in the same page, what's your definition / understanding of a "fanciful wedding"?
Because the way I see it, it's subjective to personal opinion and definitely relative to a person's individual / couple's joint income. What I'm driving at is this: what I might view as your average low-key budget wedding, you might see it as extravagant.
Good morning!

Good morning
the problem here is NOT my definition of a fancy/fairytale wedding, the problem is people who desire fancy/fairytale wedding ceremonies but yet cant afford it.

here is a clue:
[b]- if you aint got a house to call your own, then you have no business spending the money (equivalent of building a home) into some fancy wedding ceremony.
- if you cant afford a car of your own, and slave every morning on public transport, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you want to spend anything above 2x your overall monthly income on a wedding ceremony, but yet each month you cannot save a minimum of 20-30% of your overall monthly income, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you have no investments, no extra income, no savings yet uncleared debts, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you aint got no emergency fund, nor proper medical insurance, nor money stashed under your bed for hiccups of life etc, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.[/b]

damiso:
MBJ fancy wedding is subjective naa.By some people's standard my wedding that I felt I tried to cut costs was a fancy wedding but the difference is my family paid or rather contributed a huge chunk to it.My point on spending gazillions is more or less based on affordability.When Chelsea Clinton got married thousands of dollars was spent and it was fairytale like (am guessing her parents also paid for a huge chunk) but will it not be stupid for someone whose parents are not the Clintons to base their own ideas on that?As I said earlier its cultural and sometimes those "fancy weddings' are not even paid for by the couple.

this is one of the problem in Africa, wedding ceremonies today are no more a simple celebration of the union between two people, they are now a display of "supposed happiness"; they are a way to show people that "all is good" even if it aint (the bigger the wedding, the "more good" you seemingly are).

from a very young age, people are taught that marriage is the ultimate goal, especially for women (and they live happily ever after) so, many people want to celebrate their "supposed" life achievement in style, and there is nothing wrong with that so long as you can afford it. there is a clear social/family/religious pressure today to get married, and thats why so many would pay for fancy wedding that they cant afford, just to display to the whole world that they have finally made it, even if they havent.

If you are in a position where you have to choose between it means you can't afford both so you both (not shifted to one person) have to work round that limited budget and the sensible thing is to choose a long term investment.

how can you work around a limited budget when we have women who do NOT want to pay for a fancy wedding (but expect one)? men can never win in life when dating/marrying women with such mindset. such women are only good at killing/destroying a man's dream, lol!

And yes weddings are ONE of the happiest days of your life and in Yoruba culture is even one of the milestones of joy in a parents life (mo sin omo mi ni iyawo meaning I gave my daughter's hand out in marriage).My Dad went overboard and even though I moaned sometimes it was something that gave him joy.He died not too long after so I guess in a way he got to do at least one as he won't be there when my sister gets married.

sorry to hear about your father's passing but you are the example of what i was saying earlier....your wedding was NO MORE for you to celebrate your union with your husband, but it also elevated to a status for your parents where PRIDE gets in the way. now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that, if your parents could afford it, it is when people indebt themselves just to achieve that fancy wedding that the problem lay.

coogar:

you don't get it.

Ok, explain

coogar:

why can't we have the best of both worlds? how come the flashy ones rarely have a good head on their shoulders? is it a curse?



it's self-explanatory.....
it means my husband must pay for my fairytale wedding by hook or crook. God forbid a situation where she would be the one to pay for "her own" fantasies. she could contribute a small portion but the burden must rest on the husband's shoulders.

I thought you said a man must finance his home alone and how will he prove his manliness if he can't sponsor the wedding alone?

Such women are not for Commander in Chief of the armed forces like you

@Aisha, good one.

@Op.. abeg update this thread... How far?

I think you are desperate... One more year won't kill you to wait for the man to develop or buy an asset...
I rather live comfortably in my own house than having to endure a face me I face you house.
If you can't wait abeg free him and go look out for someone else...
Some women can be a stumbling block to a man's progress...
Will marrying you provide food for him abi will marrying you increase his asset?
Bunch of liabilities everywhere...

@GRAYZ FOR the 2nd time, i have seen a woman reason like a MAN. U did very well...by responding like dat..
U may have earned ursef a very high point in his life...
So dont flare up now...just work things out with him.
NO REAL MAN WOULD WANT TO SEE HIS WIFE SUFFER.
He may be making all these plans for u and yet-to-be BORN kids...
BUT WAIT OOO.....
WEN DID MARRIAGE BKOM EMPLOYMENT/OCCUPATION...

MRbrownJAY:

Good morning
the problem here is NOT my definition of a fancy/fairytale wedding, the problem is people who desire fancy/fairytale wedding ceremonies but yet cant afford it.

here is a clue:
[b]- if you aint got a house to call your own, then you have no business spending the money (equivalent of building a home) into some fancy wedding ceremony.
- if you cant afford a car of your own, and slave every morning on public transport, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you want to spend anything above 2x your overall monthly income on a wedding ceremony, but yet each month you cannot save a minimum of 20-30% of your overall monthly income, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you have no investments, no extra income, no savings yet uncleared debts, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.
- if you aint got no emergency fund, nor proper medical insurance, nor money stashed under your bed for hiccups of life etc, then you have no business spending X amount of money on a fancy fairytale wedding ceremony.[/b]



this is one of the problem in Africa, wedding ceremonies today are no more a simple celebration of the union between two people, they are now a display of "supposed happiness"; they are a way to show people that "all is good" even if it aint (the bigger the wedding, the "more good" you seemingly are).

from a very young age, people are taught that marriage is the ultimate goal, especially for women (and they live happily ever after) so, many people want to celebrate their "supposed" life achievement in style, and there is nothing wrong with that so long as you can afford it. there is a clear social/family/religious pressure today to get married, and thats why so many would pay for fancy wedding that they cant afford, just to display to the whole world that they have finally made it, even if they havent.



how can you work around a limited budget when we have women who do NOT want to pay for a fancy wedding (but expect one)? men can never win in life when dating/marrying women with such mindset. such women are only good at killing/destroying a man's dream, lol!



sorry to hear about your father's passing but you are the example of what i was saying earlier....your wedding was NO MORE for you to celebrate your union with your husband, but it also elevated to a status for your parents where PRIDE gets in the way. now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that, if your parents could afford it, it is when people indebt themselves just to achieve that fancy wedding that the problem lay.

We are kuku saying the same thing ( i agree with you and aisha) the only difference is I will not demonise ALL fairytale weddings.If Mike Adenuga wants to spend 100M on his daughters wedding thats his prerogative.

As I said earlier if it was left to myself and hubbys budget and prefrences it would have been 1/5th or 1/8th the size sef
I found the whole planning and organisation so hectic and myself and my mum have never argued as much we did in the runup to my wedding..I am not really a party person and till date I have still not thrown a big birthday bash for either of my kids (not saying that is bad as well) me and hubby just feel we should invest more in their future besides they are preschoolers so I feel OTT parties thrown for under 5's is more for the parents (again my opinion).

People have called me and hubby all sorts and say 'spend this money' like coogar said but Uni fees keep increasing who knows if they will be paying 30k pounds a session by the time they are in University. Besides I just cant be fussed. Kids esp that age just need pictures and memories of a happy childhood which we are trying our best to give them.I know people who have spent over 8k pounds on 1st birthday party who are not necessarily financially better than we are but again diff strokes.


I just don't think it's necessarily an African issue.People have lavish weddings all over the world so its not just 'our' problem.Hubby had an Asian colleague who saved for his wedding for over 6 years .

Phema: Anyone who doesn't see a problem with her fiancee's approach to the issue is not being objective.

No sane girl will be vexed with a fiance that lays out his cards on the table. I and my husband had a lot of "sitdowns" and "card laying" before our wedding, but none ever made me feel like I was being forced on him.

The approach makes all the difference. This OP's fiance's approach feels like he is doing her a big favour marrying her. What happened to "Dear, there is this property opportunity I would like us to key into, but that might mean delaying our wedding abit or cutting down on wedding cost, what do you think?" Who gets angry with this approach? As against "Choose between wedding and house. Our wedding is in your hands". Which mature man, in love with his lady and is ready to get married says a thing like that?

Op, truth is, this says A LOT about the man you may call your husband. Not saying he's bad, but if I were you, I will try to know him a little better before saying "I do".

Like I said in my first post, donot pick any option. Tell him to do the one he thinks is more important and watch. Pick his calls and stop being childish.

And who are all these people saying ladies like lavish weddings? I never liked one and many ladies I know don't either.

Don't mind them. As if I haven't seen men go crazy over weddings too. From organising big proposals to pre wedding shoots to huge weddings. I know men who push for big celebration more than their women and some even get to caution them on the spending. Imagine coogar asking how many women think beyond their wedding days. What an insult. Are we talking of 3year olds here or adults? What is the joy in having a big wedding only to settle or retire in a not-so-decent apartment. Many women won't even mind spending their money on setting up their new apartment(especially on kitchen and household equipment that make chores less tasking) instead of using it all for the wedding.

Grayz: I have been dating this guy for sometime now. he told me he has a plot of land somewhere. he has proposed to marry me and I accepted. But something happened yesterday that made me mad.

He said he want to discuss something with me which I obliged and went to meet him. he said someone has given him the cost of building a bungalow, that he has saved money.

But problem started when he asked me to decide if he should use the money to develop the land or he should use the money to marry me. That our marriage is in my hands to decide.

I told him for the fact he has already asked someone to prepare a quotation of the cost for the building that he should go ahead not tomorrow he will say because of me he couldn't build a house, I also let him know that I can't take such decision for him.

Please house, are my suppose to be the one to decide for him on what to do with his money? especially marrying me aspect, is it truly in my hands?
Are my over reacting because I have refused to talk to him since yesterday.

Your advice would be highly appreciated.

You were asked a question and to decide. I think he is only seeking your approval. I would have told him what's on my mind. You guys could get a registry and low key marriage while building your home.
If you don't wanna decide, then let him know. Not talking to him wouldn't fix the issue.
If na me, I for don plan the money Tay Tay. In fact, I will even be in charge of the building contracts. No time to waste

Sista Damiso
Mike Adenuga can afford a 100M lavish wedding, but he certainly CANNOT afford a lavish wedding that will cost him his entire fortune. this is the issue here...... people spending their whole "fortune" for a lavish ceremony that does NOT upgrade/better their lives in any way whatsoever. some women spend 100s of thousand (if not millions) of Naira in a wedding gown that is going to be worn ONCE, yet have mounting unsettled debts (or dream of setting up their own biz). haba, may God help us all!

MRbrownJAY: Sista Damiso
Mike Adenuga can afford a 100M lavish wedding, but he certainly CANNOT afford a lavish wedding that will cost him his entire fortune. this is the issue here...... people spending their whole "fortune" for a lavish ceremony that does NOT upgrade/better their lives in any way whatsoever. some women spend 100s of thousand (if not millions) of Naira in a wedding gown that is going to be worn ONCE, yet have mounting unsettled debts (or dream of setting up their own biz). haba, may God help us all!

Thank you. Imagine Adenuga using all his money and even going to borrow from Dangote just so he can show off for his daughters wedding. What happens after the wedding no concern am oh as long as the wedding is the talk of the town.
Thats what our people do. One made me take an office loan when I was still a naive "I want to help out everyone" girl. Not for a business for his wedding which he was determined will be "better" than his cousins own meanwhile both the cousin and the wife were working while he married a student. Anyway after 6 months of my salary being deducted for a wedding wey no concern me I learned the hard way, the day I traced him to collect my money I discovered that he didnt even rent a house and was still squating while the wife was living with her parents yet they had the "talk of the town" wedding, with half of my salary gone for 6 months paying off his loan. Chai.

^^^ BWaaah! sadly, this is the world we live in where everybody want to be a wealthy celebrity/entrepreneur, rocking Louboutin shoes and Gucci bag yet they cant afford common 3 square meals a day.... just like the person who does not have money so they buy fake designers gear to pretend that they can afford the real deal. its the same syndrome of the "follie des grandeurs" where someone do NOT want to live off their means and believe that they deserve to be up there at the top NOW, even if they dont deserve it.

MRbrownJAY: Sista Damiso
Mike Adenuga can afford a 100M lavish wedding, but he certainly CANNOT afford a lavish wedding that will cost him his entire fortune. this is the issue here...... people spending their whole "fortune" for a lavish ceremony that does NOT upgrade/better their lives in any way whatsoever. some women spend 100s of thousand (if not millions) of Naira in a wedding gown that is going to be worn ONCE, yet have mounting unsettled debts (or dream of setting up their own biz). haba, may God help us all!

Ok o May God help us all.

OP hope you are now speaking to your man.A wedding is just a day and a marriage is( hopefully) for a long while.Marriage should be teamwork of two people coming together to build a life and a home. Remove this mindset of 'God forbid' I can't pay for my wedding. I kinda get what you meant but that mindset will gradually begin to translate to ' I can't use my money for stuff in the house' and when the occassion arises that you have to that mindset allows you to begin to resent your husband because you see him as the one who must provide everything. I know someone who will collect her money back if she buys a lightbulb in the house as she feels its not her 'responsibility' everything is 'I borrowed him' (she works so its not even a matter of no money).I have had to ask her if she would not buy a light bulb that went out if she was not married.

It is well with you.

damiso:
Ok o May God help us all.
OP hope you are now speaking to your man.A wedding is just a day and a marriage is( hopefully) for a long while.Marriage should be teamwork of two people coming together to build a life and a home. Remove this mindset of 'God forbid' I can't pay for my wedding. I kinda get what you meant but that mindset will gradually begin to translate to ' I can't use my money for stuff in the house' and when the occassion arises that you have to that mindset allows you to begin to resent your husband because you see him as the one who must provide everything. I know someone who will collect her money back if she buys a lightbulb in the house as she feels its not her 'responsibility' everything is 'I borrowed him' (she works so its not even a matter of no money).I have had to ask her if she would not buy a light bulb that went out if she was not married.
It is well with you.

I know someone whose NEPA credit got finished and she waited for her husband who was working in another town andcomes home twice a month to come back and buy. The marriage was never the same after that as the man felt totally taken for granted, she works oh the excuse was he didnt add that to the allowance he gives her monthly and she had requested earlier so to "punish" him she kept his kids almost 4 days in darkness.

Till today the man keeps making reference to the "little things". He hasnt been able to let go of that incident and he hardly comes home now instead sends for the kids to visit him weekends

aisha2:

I know someone whose NEPA credit got finished and she waited for her husband who was working in another town andcomes home twice a month to come back and buy. The marriage was never the same after that as the man felt totally taken for granted, she works oh the excuse was he didnt add that to the allowance he gives her monthly and she had requested earlier so to "punish" him she kept his kids almost 4 days in darkness.

Till today the man keeps making reference to the "little things". He hasnt been able to let go of that incident and he hardly comes home now instead sends for the kids to visit him weekends

Na wa I don't know how people don't even put themselves (not even kids or husband here) but themselves I like my comfort too much to put MYSELF in darkness for 4 days when I have the money just to prove a point What if she was not married won't she pay Nepa bill?

I hear women say if he does not increase feeding money I won't cook. These are people that work and it baffles me.Of course every marriage is different but won't you buy food for yourself if you were not married?

Its different if you are not working and have no income AT ALL or you agreed to probably stay home (as I say if you have to be arguing about feeding money y'all def cant afford one person staying home so find a job or something to earn you money ASAP)to take care of the kids but that you work and earn money (some even earn well) it just baffles me.Different strokes sha all I know is I feel like eating Salmon and I have the money for salmon I will buy salmon. I ain't definitely waiting for my husbands chop money or wrangling to collect my salmon money back.If I can't afford salmon and he gives us money for mackerel we eat mackerel.

May God help us all.

I guess it depends on the way you want to look at the question/statement. It can be interpreted either ways. The matter is simple really?

Reply: Is it not our wedding? I don't like how you said 'my' as if you are not looking forward to our getting married.

His response: Sorry dear, no...I didn't mean it that way. You know how you women want the best weddings...

Reply: Have you ever heard me mention a big wedding? Babe, I don't like it. I am beginning to think you don't know me.

His response: I am truly sorry etcccccc

Reply: Anyway, where is the quotation for the house, can I see it? How long do you think the project will last? (Depending on what you earn) sha leave the kitchen for me oh, I will like to plan that one and decorate it as I like, that's my contribution...ehen, the master bedroom nko? Very important...what can we afford because our bedroom must be it. Have you eaten? *stand up*.

If you are christian, ask him to lead a short prayer about the project there and then. If you aren't appreciate his effort.

If you truly want to get married, ask if you guys can go to the registry. I hope what you mean by contribution isn't just buying table water .

Just know that there is nothing that cannot be communicated. Your hubby is going to say things that might not sit well with you when you get married, what will you do then? Lock him out of the bedroom, ignore him? Pick his call and when he asks, tell him the truth, that you felt sad and angry on the way he asked the question.

My 4 cents

Grayz, hope this issue is sorted out.

hmmm! i can relate with the OP,
was in a similar position range/marry, so i chose to buy a range instead

















.......but now shes married

Whichever way MBJ and COOGAR cut and dice this story,@OP your guy's approach was wrong but i will advice you to pick his calls let him know how you feel about the question and move on from there.

If the OP has been putting pressure on her fiance for a big wedding then his approach might be justified. In the absence of that, i would have expected the guy to table his dilemma before her and not telling his better half their "marriage is in her hands" like she is a pest or something? Who knows if the girl sees reason she might settle for a low key wedding while the guy builds their house.

Kanwulia:

I did not insult you.
I only asked you A SIMPLE QUESTION which requires a SIMPLE ANSWER!
A nuisance indeed!
Wetin you dey wait for? Come and ban! I nor say my ID dey pinch dat your TRIPLE-WIDE PLANET URANUS!
DO YA PHACKING WORST!

Just as you brought your USELESS POVERTY-STRICKEN LIFE TO THIS FORUM. . .I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THE SAME!
RETIRED, DILAPIDATED, ASSSSSSSSSHAWO DUNDEE-UNITED!
Na now ya mates dey marry with your CUBAN/LIBYA IMMIGRATION AGE?

Now, make I cuss you well well. . .you polymonikering CHEAP NL WHORRRRE.
You siddon for hia dey ration money between house and marriage!
You BUSH CHURCH-RAT!

Only ijjjjots likey ya cannot differentiate a simple kweshun from an insult because YOU ARE DENSE!
Your mates don build dem own houses PLUS PAY GROOM'S PRICE ON TOP OF THEIR HUSBANDS' HEADS AND AZZEZ like MERCY JOHNSON OKOJIE!
You dey for NL dey form 'MGBEKE WIFEY'!
You nor reasssssssssh to be MERCY JOHNSON OKOJIE IM GRAND MAMA?
Stephanie Okereke Linus Idahosa nko?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aH3_l1TRvzM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABngyrGyYic

Ode! CARRY YOU USELESS THREAD OF POVERTY COMOT FOR HIA JOR!
You dey go marry many man wey nor get house? In 2014?
DESPERADO OLD CARGO!!!!
WEY YA OWN HOUSE. . .ABI NA UNDER BRIDGE YOU DEY LIVE?
The yeye man nor get taste! Mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!

LAHOR WO WO. . . . SIKORDOR!

SASHEE WOR-WOR DI KA GI. . . .MTCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!!

Now. . .PHOCK OFF WITH YOUR USELESS THREAD!
GOODU LUCKU WITH YA BOKO HARAM WEDDING!!!
IJJJJIOT!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv2Fkr37dqY

Chai! There's Godu oooo! Kanwulia, afa gi bu kwanu Kanwulia!

....

Kanwulia:
He set a trap for you. . .and you escaped.
Let him build his house.
You might still get married.

WHERE IS YOUR OWN MONEY?

Abi na empty hand YOU AND YOUR FAMILY wan take marry the man?

RTFLMBAO. Excellent question you have asked here. Some girls are just so stewpeed, why must it be always the man to give out.
The OP should be super exited that her husband wants to build a house, rather the myopic nature of some ladies have made her to see nothing else but extravagant wedding.
Even if u want to correct him for putting the marriage and house on the table, you have to know that yes, you're in this together and you support having an asset rather than a useless lavish wedding

The guy had probably been looking for an escape route ,you were right,if he really was that serious,he would build his house and still get married to you....