aisha2:

True nah. If I was the man I will not raise my hand to do a thing in the house, let her sweat, cook, clean, bath the kids and only sit and watch TV all day, let me see the mouth she will use to complain after all supporting each other should be at ones "discretion"

The man is the head na and should be super power (Trust me, I have heard that before)

I can't conceive people saying my money your money in marriage nor understand the need to have my house, my car, my land, etc.

Maybe I just very weird

why is it such a big deal for the wife to be to take care of soup tinz only? besides if I get the op, he said she is working, I ask again why is it a big deal?

I wonder what some women even have in mind when going into marriage. Anyways its good this is coming before they tie the nuptials

aisha2:

True nah. If I was the man I will not raise my hand to do a thing in the house, let her sweat, cook, clean, bath the kids and only sit and watch TV all day, let me see the mouth she will use to complain after all supporting each other should be at ones "discretion"

don't mind her, its her type that will want the man to provide every single thing and still want him to share house chores with her...nonsense!

ElFenomeno1:

Let me tell you something.... My role centres around three key areas

- Be a leader
- Love my dear lady unconditionally
- Serve and provide for my dear lady

As long as i am doing all of the things above well, my wife is happy... She will do some things without waiting for me to turn up.

Pot of stew? SMH... My wife doesnt wait for me to come back from trips before she heads to ASDA or Waitrose to do the weekly shopping... and no, we dont have a joint account.

Why should a working woman be fighting her husband for money to make a pot of stew if the husband has been good?

Even when i was dating, i had times when my ex will do the grocery shopping without my knowledge, and i will ask for the receipt so i can pay her, and she will reject it...

My wife does that till today... At times when she does the grocery shopping, i ask to reimburse and she rejects.... what do i do? go out there and buy her a nice gift to show appreciation and gratitude for using her head and playing the role of a wife well.

Thanks. You have answered my question.

aisha2:

True nah. If I was the man I will not raise my hand to do a thing in the house, let her sweat, cook, clean, bath the kids and only sit and watch TV all day, let me see the mouth she will use to complain after all supporting each other should be at ones "discretion"

I so much love this woman. Exactly what I told my friend o.

We are in Africa and it is absolutely wrong.

I don't know where you guys are from.

@kingviny, that friend of yours is really one hell of a comic.

Abeg, whoever doesnt want to share, is on her own oh. Tmrr, when she would see her friend riding an expensive car she bought jointly with her husband or taking trips financed by both parties, she would sit up.

What exactly is she prepared to bring to the table?

I think they need to sort out their concept of marital love.

egopersonified: Abeg, whoever doesnt want to share, is on her own oh. Tmrr, when she would see her friend riding an expensive car she bought jointly with her husband or taking trips financed by both parties, she would sit up.

I wonder oo. And the guy really meant well for the two of them. He said whenever he brings up money issue with her, all hell will be let loose. She only likes to support at her discretion. How can a start-up home be run on discretion and anachronistic ethos? If she wants to be the traditional wife, then no problem but she should know that traditional wives :-

1. Dont have a say at home
2. Are not tantalized at Tantalizers
3. Most times call their husband lord and not "teddybear"
4. Do chores even when 8 months pregnant etc

I for one wont like any man to treat my sisters or daughters in the afore mentioned way! they are not raised in the village?

We need to form an hybrid between what is good in tradition and westernization to make it work in this modern times. And what is wrong with the word "delegation" ? which by the way means "to assign". If the head of the family haven considered his cash flow decides to gently ask his working wife to take care of something for the family, has he commited a family harakiri?

kingviny:
I wonder oo. And the guy really meant well for the two of them. He said whenever he brings up money issue with her, all hell will be let loose. She only likes to support at her discretion. How can a start-up home be run on discretion and anachronistic ethos? If she wants to be the traditional wife, then no problem but she should know that traditional wives :-
1. Dont have a say at home
2. Are not tantalized at Tantalizers
3. Most times call their husband lord and not "teddybear"
4. Do chores even when 8 months pregnant etc
I for one wont like any man to treat my sisters or daughters in the afore mentioned way! they are not raised in the village?
We need to form an hybrid between what is good in tradition and westernization to make it work in this modern times. And what is wrong with the word "delegation" ? which by the way means "to assign". If the head of the family haven considered his cash flow decides to gently ask his working wife to take care of something for the family, has he commited a family harakiri?

Toh its good he knows it now oh. He better sort it out now or turn perpetual complainer. She belongs to the school of thought of "Your money, our money, my money my money" na the type wey go stay for darkness till husband returns to buy NEPA credit

what would be an issue for couple a might not be for couple B.

I don't personally see anything there in providing funds for "soup" or any other thing for that matter. I agree finances should be discussed before the wedding date so that issues like this will be trashed out. The guy probably delegated that duty to her because he sees her as a subordinate in terms of finances, If he saw her as an equal perhaps he would have sat down and had a discussion with her first on how to manage it. I know that in African culture the man provides all, but for peeps to live to a standard of choice, the woman may have to contribute heavily.

anyway to each his own. I will be offended if my hubby doesn't expect me to contribute

egopersonified: Abeg, whoever doesnt want to share, is on her own oh. Tmrr, when she would see her friend riding an expensive car she bought jointly with her husband or taking trips financed by both parties, she would sit up.

The problem is that she won't believe that it is the couple that paid for it. In her mind she will cling to the imagination that the husband bought it for the wife. and use that to torment hers

babestell: what would be an issue for couple a might not be for couple B.
I don't personally see anything there in providing funds for "soup" or any other thing for that matter. I agree finances should be discussed before the wedding date so that issues like this will be trashed out. The guy probably delegated that duty to her because he sees her as a subordinate in terms of finances, If he saw her as an equal perhaps he would have sat down and had a discussion with her first on how to manage it. I know that in African culture the man provides all, but for peeps to live to a standard of choice, the woman may have to contribute heavily.
anyway to each his own. I will be offended if my hubby doesn't expect me to contribute

Its not about delegation she just doesnt want to put in her money. They are team members and he is the head of the team and can delegate roles and duties. If she said she will contribute somewhere else then its different she doesnt want to contribute at all except at her discretion.

I havent read all the replies so sorry if I am repeating what someone else has said.

Personally I dont beleive in text book inflexible marriages. Marriage is for life and there willl be many times that it will be flexed, so we cant afford to be too rigid.

The poster made the mistake in even using the word delegate. She is not your employee and so you dont delegate things to her.
Wifey is also wrong for not looking at their own personal situation and insisting on a scenario that may work for others but not for their own relationship.

And this is a word for women; If you see yourself as a team, then there is no his and mine. . . but ours.
If your hubby is having to verbally ask you to do somethings, then you are missing something somewhere. You should see the need/gap and fill it especially if you have it without having to be "begged"

In todays economic climate, Very few men can provide EVERYTHING and if you dont pull your weight and close some gaps you are going to work the man to death.

As a woman, you also gain his respect too when the man knows that you are capable can hold the fort in his absense; of course it goes both ways and I am referring to responsible husbands here.

adanduka: I think it's OK especially if...















the wife delegates house chores to the husband.




I'm joking

Its no joke, I think you are right! The wife should delegate house chores to the husband. Its partnership- Lol.

Yomieluv: Let them thrash the issue out,before tying the knot.to me,the wife should be allowed to use her discretion in financial issues,delegation of duties seems autocratic to me.

You are right! And no wise woman will keep herself from helping out especially when she is capable financially.

kingviny: Thanks to you all. My friend intend to be paying all other bills. He even told her that when things get better for him economically that he would take her off that bill too.

He wants to be giving her money for bulk purchase of staple foods periodically so that he can concentrate more on saving for their un born kids. He merely want her to be handling stuffs like soup , soap and other minor but short term expensis like that.

Is it fair for modern ladies to want to be traditional when it comes to family finance and Kardasian when it comes to romantic treatment?

Modern Nigeria Men wants to be traditional in house-keeping/cooking things and Kardashian in financial matters.

bukatyne:

When he is providing everything?

Is the wife to be asleep?

If she does not want to contribute, no lele; she does all the chores herself

As if the Man will even help with the chores even if she accepts the duty "delegated" to her
Most women know they can't delegate even minor chores like washing plates to the husband. They can only beg for assistance occasionally.

chaircover:
The poster made the mistake in even using the word delegate. She is not your employee and so you dont delegate things to her.
Wifey is also wrong for not looking at their own personal situation and insisting on a scenario that may work for others but not for their own relationship.

Would it have been okay if he used transferred instead of delegate?

IMO, whatever term used to get his point across is inconsequential in the wider scheme of things as the underlying fact is that the man is simply trying to make his wife responsible for some things in the house.

A wife that's not ready to be a team player would always find issues with manner of approach and that's simply wrong.

Like you rightly said, the mind-set from the onset should be "We are a team"

aisha2:

Its not about delegation she just doesnt want to put in her money. They are team members and he is the head of the team and can delegate roles and duties. If she said she will contribute somewhere else then its different she doesnt want to contribute at all except at her discretion.

Instead of just delegating to her, why can't they both sit down and plan their finances and decide who takes care of what together? Who knows, the woman might even take up more than ''soup things'' if they follow the approach. Personally, i won't want this kind of scenario where my man just looks at me and say, hey you, you will be in charge of soup things just like that? IS that the only thing i can be usefull for? So say tommoro he is short of cash and i am not aware of he will just call me again and say hey you, add foodstuffs and provision to the soup matter and that's it? i don't want that. I prefer we sit down and both look at our income and also our expected spending and jointly agree on how to take care of it and also draw our savings plan together......

If a man look at me and on his own decides to delegate soup things of all things to me, then i will just assume that he thinks i am useless to him o.

Except the woman has proved overtime that she is not ready to contribute anything then i can't blame man if he uses the delegating approach sha...

ElFenomeno1:

Let me tell you something.... My role centres around three key areas

- Be a leader
- Love my dear lady unconditionally
- Serve and provide for my dear lady

As long as i am doing all of the things above well, my wife is happy... She will do some things without waiting for me to turn up.

Pot of stew? SMH... My wife doesnt wait for me to come back from trips before she heads to ASDA or Waitrose to do the weekly shopping... and no, we dont have a joint account.

Why should a working woman be fighting her husband for money to make a pot of stew if the husband has been good?

Even when i was dating, i had times when my ex will do the grocery shopping without my knowledge, and i will ask for the receipt so i can pay her, and she will reject it...

My wife does that till today... At times when she does the grocery shopping, i ask to reimburse and she rejects.... what do i do? go out there and buy her a nice gift to show appreciation and gratitude for using her head and playing the role of a wife well.

What you mentioned above is something every girlfriend or wife will do, the difference here is, you didn't call your ex or wife at a point and told them "because you work, I am assigning this role to you" rather you knew you have to provide for your family and having seen your efforts in caring for the family they can't afford to close their eyes if something to be done. In the case of the OP, they are not even married yet and he has started delegating roles.

kingviny:

Those planning on getting married should discuss and iron out these sort of potential issues before taking that bold step

Marriage shouldn't be about surprises!

jaybee3:
Would it have been okay if he used transferred instead of delegate?

IMO, whatever term used to get his point across is inconsequential in the wider scheme of things as the underlying fact is that the man is simply trying to make his wife responsible for some things in the house.

A wife that's not ready to be a team player would always find issues with manner of approach and that's simply wrong.

Like you rightly said, the mind-set from the onset should be "We are a team"

By using transfer, he is automatically saying that everything is his responsibility and will want to pass on some to the next person.

When the man sees the family as a team, them nothing is anybody's responsibility but everything is everybody's responsibility and they now agree on who is in the best position to do what conveniently. Let the man not just assume that he can carry all the responsibility because i don't think its even possible these days.

Godmystrength: Instead of just delegating to her, why can't they both sit down and plan their finances and decide who takes care of what together? Who knows, the woman might even take up more than ''soup things'' if they follow the approach. Personally, i won't want this kind of scenario where my man just looks at me and say, hey you, you will be in charge of soup things just like that? IS that the only thing i can be usefull for? So say tommoro he is short of cash and i am not aware of he will just call me again and say hey you, add foodstuffs and provision to the soup matter and that's it? i don't want that. I prefer we sit down and both look at our income and also our expected spending and jointly agree on how to take care of it and also draw our savings plan together......

If a man look at me and on his own decides to delegate soup things of all things to me, then i will just assume that he thinks i am useless to him o.

Except the woman has proved overtime that she is not ready to contribute anything then i can't blame man if he uses the delegating approach sha...

You said exactly what I had in mind. Good one!.

This exactly how I would want my marriage to be

aisha2: This is not a minor issue. "at my discretion" doesnt work in
If you want to be a traditional wife dont come complaining when he acts like a traditional husband.

Will the husband be the modern husband? Because it won't be a biggie. If both are modern. But When the Man wants her to act like a modern wife, while he still acts like a traditional husband.....hmmm

Godmystrength: By using transfer, he is automatically saying that everything is his responsibility and will want to pass on some to the next person.

When the man sees the family as a team, them nothing is anybody's responsibility but everything is everybody's responsibility and they now agree on who is in the best position to do what conveniently. Let the man not just assume that he can carry all the responsibility because i don't think its even possible these days.

Some people can't function well with unstructured planning.

Absolutely nothing wrong with delegating responsibilities when it's not like it's for selfish reasons.

I honestly don't understand why people complain about delegating responsibilities. It's an effective way of getting things done. It's really as simple as that. You empower someone to take ownership and in turn derive joy from delivering consistently and on time.

Now this delegation issue is not restricted to women alone cos I know some African men frown at such as well especially when it has to do with helping around the house.

Marriage is a team work and everyone has to pull their weight in a structured way in other to achieve desired results.

The poster is the one who used the word "delegate" ohhhhHhhhhhh. I am not sure he called her and said I delegate soup matters to you. If she had said lets discuss it more or let me cover some other area then I would agree its about the word delegation but it seemed more like a discussion where she has vehemently refused to contribute

My opinion:

I understand what the man is trying to say. But 'delegating' sounds erm....odd. He'll expect her to cook clean, wash as the woman of the house, now won't he? Or is he planning to help with all those too? Is he even the type to do help with house chores? Should she delegate all that too? Saying 'i'll pay fees while you'll buy food' will seriously undermine his position as the man of the house(IMHO o).

Anyways, whether he delegates or not, whether she refuses or not, she will still have to contribute significantly to household expenses, except if her man's income is way bigger than hers.

Let them both state their income, state possible expenses (including miscellaneous expenses and emergency fund) and use that calculate an amount that they'll both put in a joint savings account and they'll both decide on how it will be spent.

aisha2:

True nah. If I was the man I will not raise my hand to do a thing in the house, let her sweat, cook, clean, bath the kids and only sit and watch TV all day, let me see the mouth she will use to complain after all supporting each other should be at ones "discretion"

But you know that there are some men who won't be caught dead helping out with all these even when the woman is contributing significantly to the financial running of the home.

aisha2: The poster is the one who used the word "delegate" ohhhhHhhhhhh. I am not sure he called her and said I delegate soup matters to you. If she had said lets discuss it more or let me cover some other area then I would agree its about the word delegation but it seemed more like a discussion where she has vehemently refused to contribute

Well the OP wasn't there when they were having the discussion and he only came to tell us what his friend told him.. Anyway, it is a good thing this is happening before marriage. Let them sort this out now because it might look like a small issue but it is not. before they will start having kids and now be quarreling over who to pay school fees or how to share it etc.

kingviny: A very close friend told me he asked his wife to be, to when they get married be handing soup matters while he will still be buying other foodstuffs and provisions. This he said is not in anyway to abdicate his manly responsibilities, he just feels in this modern age, a working woman should be able to handle some minor bills at home.

His fiance is refusing vehemently. He said she prefers the man providing the fund for everything and then she using her discression to add her money if and when neccessary. As it stands now, they are both on a collission course on this divergent school of thought about family finance yet, they want to tie the knot soon.

Great people of nairaland, what do you think of this issues? I have given him my 10 kobo advise but I will like to know what others think, especially, married nairalanders.

Thanks

Just seeing this part clearly now. Provide fund for everything ke? Then she is on her very own then. What will she be doing with all her money then? If the hubby will be providing money for everything and she will be saving all her money for the family's future use, then no problem....else too bad.

Maybe the man has been acting macho and providing completely for the lady all through their courtship and has given the impression that he must be the overall provider only for him to be assigning somethings now that they are close to signing the dotted lines...... A man that believe in shared responsibilities in marriage should not come out as trying to be nice during courtship by taking care of all bills both necessary and unnecessary only for the game to change after marriage o. Please be your real self.