Its a Satire before anybody kill me this hot sunday afternoon: Enjoy: wanted to write an article on “How to be a Man”, seeing as we are told in scripture that man was made before woman. But since that manual was going to be too short for its own column, I decided to include it here.

How To Be a Man in Nigeria:

Do what you want, when you want, how you want. The world is yours. Only fellow men can stop you. The End.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us talk about women.

This is how to be a woman in Nigeria.

As a woman you must understand the Grundnorm which will guide you throughout life: You, having been made from the ribs of a man, are inferior to man. Once you understand this, every other thing becomes easier to swallow.

In Nigeria, your life is incomplete without a man. So when you have got those degrees, that plum job, that house, those cars, it would be right for a journalist to ask you: so, (after all these irrelevant achievements) when are you going to get married? Because in Nigeria, a woman who does not get married will not make heaven. She is incomplete, like a missing sock, or the left leg of a sandal.

As a woman professional who has done the right thing and got married, you must prepare in every interview to answer the following question: How do you balance family and work? It does not matter that successful men with many wives and dozens of children are never asked about work-family balance. It is not a man’s job to take care of children. That is why you were made. And that is why when you decide to go and become successful, we need to ask you if you are neglecting your primary responsibility, which is cleaning up after the man you married.

A good, scripture-believing woman must avoid agents of the devil, like those who say that women need to have the same rights as men. Any woman who tells you that women are equal human beings and deserve the same treatment is a woman that wants to drag you to hell.

In matters of sex, you must never admit to knowing anything more than basic lying down and letting it happen to you. You are not a participant. You are a mere facilitator in an activity designed to make your superior human enjoy the process. That is why women who talk about their sex life are called sluts. It does not matter that it takes two to tango. If nature wanted you to be a human being like a man, it would not have made you the one carrying the pregnancy. A slut simply defined is a woman who wrongfully appropriates to herself the right to enjoy sex. I would advise you not to worry about the fact that a man, who does the same thing a slut does, is called a stud. Even in the animal kingdom, male and female animals have different names. That is why a male dog is called a dog and a female, a bitch. It is not my fault. Ask the white people who came up with those names. Just remember the Grundnorm: women are inferior to men.

The rule is, never admit to enjoying sex or even to having had previous partners or boyfriends. If you meet a man and you are not a virgin, you must find a way of explaining why you are in this sinful state. You can say that you were doing inter-house sports in secondary school and while doing the high jump, you lost your hymen. Or you can blame it on riding bicycles. But if you have to admit to ever having had sex, say that it happened only once and that you did not enjoy it even. Say that he deceived you. Then the man will forgive you for not being a virgin. Do not ask how many women he has been with – how is this relevant? It is your virginity that counts. However, never ever admit to having been sexually abused, because you will be blamed for putting yourself in the position to be raped. And no one will want you.

Do you have a daughter? Do not despair. Sometimes God tests us with trials. While believing God for the miracle of a son in your life, I have prepared a list of things you must do to prepare your girl child to be the ideal woman. Follow this list and your daughter will turn out to be a happy, blessed Nigerian woman:

1.      Let her wear pink. Girls wear pink. It does not matter if she likes blue.

2.     Teach her to be a princess. Princesses sit all day in castles and wait to be rescued by princes to whom the world belongs. Her goal should be to make a prince happy one day.

3.   Do not teach her how to change light bulbs, care tires or lift heavy items. That is for her brothers. This will ensure that she will go through life depending on men to do these things for her. A woman who knows how to depend on a man is a happy woman.

4.    Teach her how to be a good wife. This means first knowing how to clean and cook for a man. Because if you do not cook for a man, he will find another, well-trained cooking woman to sleep with. And it will be your fault. On no account should you teach your son how to cook. This will weaken him and make him a slave to some evil witch of a woman. You do not want this.

5.    Teach her to know her place. A woman does not raise her voice where there are men. That is a badly behaved woman with no home training. A good woman knows that silence is golden.

6.   Let’s say your daughter has finished university and just found work. While it is ok to buy a car for your son to make it easy for him to get to work, you must not do so for your daughter. In fact, before she gets married you must advise her against buying a car for herself. This scares men away. And god forbid that your daughter ends up as an old angry spinster. Old angry spinsters become feminists or worse, lesbians. And we all know lesbians and feminists will not make heaven.

7.    Teach her to cover her body properly and wear very long skirts. Because women who expose their bodies provoke men into raping them. You don’t want the devil to use your daughter to tempt men.

8.   Avoid things that may make your daughter look like a lesbian or diminish her feminine appearance. If she must engage in extra-curricular activities, make sure they are activities for women like skipping rope. Forbid her from doing anything that can make her calves or shoulders look muscular or like yam tubers. Discourage her from lifting weights, and excessive sports. Excessive sports can make her woman parts, like breasts, reduce in size. God forbid that your daughter ends up looking like a man. Next thing you know, lesbians will start eyeing her. God forbid.
I will keep sharing tips with you as they come to me. Because I care.

God bless your hustle as you try to become the perfect happy Nigerian woman


Aluta abeg bring ya mat

***bringing my chair***and waiting patiently

Thank you Aisha.

Fatuous!


This article is full of Fatuousness.

@edwife

I like elnathan. i love his satirical articles.

This article further re-iterates why I wont want to raise a girl child in Nigeria. Mba.

Thank you Aisha.

ladygogo:

@edwife

i know they are coming,mats are too rampant nowadays.

tintingz: Fatuous!

No, true.

ladygogo:

@edwife

I like elnathan. i love his satirical articles.

This article further re-iterates why I wont want to raise a girl child in Nigeria. Mba.

Thank you Aisha.

Your girl could make a change if you make her strong

Women in some other parts of the world were like this too ................. a 100 years ago.

Hahaha.....

One i heard sometime o. In Nigeria, men see every single girl who lives in Abuja as a prostitute!!! And would never get married.

carefreewannabe:

Your girl could make a change if you make her strong

Women in some other parts of the world were like this too ................. a 100 years ago.

Hmmmm. Nigeria is a special environment. You have to have a very thick skin to live there.

She can go live there if she wants when she becomes a full fledged adult but not when she is still growing.

Yeah, but we have refused to evolve.

ladygogo:


Hmmmm. Nigeria is a special environment. You have to have a very thick skin to live there.

She can go live there if she wants when she becomes a full fledged adult but not when she is still growing.

Yeah, but we have refused to evolve.

I understand and share your views.

carefreewannabe:

No, true.

True?

I'm sure the writer must be a feminist living or not living in Nigeria.

[b]1. Let her wear pink. Girls wear pink. It does
not matter if she likes blue.
2. Teach her to be a princess. Princesses sit
all day in castles and wait to be rescued by
princes to whom the world belongs. Her goal
should be to make a prince happy one day.
3. Do not teach her how to change light bulbs,
care tires or lift heavy items. That is for her
brothers. This will ensure that she will go through
life depending on men to do these things for her.
A woman who knows how to depend on a man is
a happy woman.
4. Teach her how to be a good wife. This
means first knowing how to clean and cook for a
man. Because if you do not cook for a man, he
will find another, well-trained cooking woman to
sleep with. And it will be your fault. On no
account should you teach your son how to cook.
This will weaken him and make him a slave to
some evil witch of a woman. You do not want
this.
5. Teach her to know her place. A woman does
not raise her voice where there are men. That is a
badly behaved woman with no home training. A
good woman knows that silence is golden.
6. Let’s say your daughter has finished
university and just found work. While it is ok to
buy a car for your son to make it easy for him to
get to work, you must not do so for your
daughter. In fact, before she gets married you
must advise her against buying a car for herself.
This scares men away. And god forbid that your
daughter ends up as an old angry spinster. Old
angry spinsters become feminists or worse,
lesbians. And we all know lesbians and feminists
will not make heaven.[/b]
7. Teach her to cover her body properly and
wear very long skirts. [s]Because women who
expose their bodies provoke men into Molesting
them. You don’t want the devil to use your
daughter to tempt men.[/s]
8. Avoid things that may make your daughter
look like a lesbian or diminish her feminine
appearance. If she must engage in extra-
curricular activities, make sure they are activities
for women like skipping rope. Forbid her from
doing anything that can make her calves or
shoulders look muscular or like yam tubers.
Discourage her from lifting weights, and excessive
sports. Excessive sports can make her woman
parts, like bosoms, reduce in size. God forbid that
your daughter ends up looking like a man. Next
thing you know, lesbians will start eyeing her.
God forbid.

tintingz: True?

I'm sure the writer must be a feminist living or not living in Nigeria.

So?

dem don dey enter small small.


Smh.

@tintingz. El nathan is a man.


And what if a feminist wrote the article?

Does it change the fact that its the reality in Nigeria?

carefreewannabe:

So?

In conclusion the writer view that

in Nigeria..

a girl must wear pink material

a girl must not learn how fix bulb

a girl should not participate in sports

a girl can't get a car.

and so on

The Elnathan must be a bigot.

ladygogo: dem don dey enter small small.


Smh.

@tintingz. El nathan is a man.


And what if a feminist wrote the article?

Does it change the fact that its the reality in Nigeria?

Whatever.

He's a pussified feminist.

tintingz: Whatever.

He's a pussified feminist.

You can label the writer what you may and whatever you damn well please.

It, however, still doesn't change the fact that it's a satire and it's what a lot of Nigerian women experience on a daily basis.


Now tell me if you mad or nah?!

tintingz:

In conclusion the feminist writer view that

in Nigeria..

a girl must wear pink material

a girl must not learn how fix bulb

a girl should not participate in sports

a girl can't get a car.

and so on

The Elnathan woman must be a bigot.

Do you know what a satirical text is?

It is a text that makes use of exaggeration to mock and criticize political, social or socio-cultural issues.

The main message of the text is to point out, in a humorous way, what society expects of a woman and these expectations are, in my view, ridiculous.

ladygogo:

You can label the writer what you may and whatever you damn well please.

It, however, still doesn't change the fact that it's a satire and it's what a lot of Nigerian women experience on a daily basis.


Now tell me if you mad or nah?!

It is interesting how he will call another man names but at the same time pretend that he knows what it is like to be a woman.

carefreewannabe:

Do you know what a satirical text is?

It is a text that makes use of exaggeration to mock and criticize political, social or socio-cultural issues.

The main message of the text is to point out what society expects of a woman and these expectations are, in my view, ridiculous.

ladygogo:

You can label the writer what you may and whatever you damn well please.

It, however, still doesn't change the fact that it's a satire and it's what a lot of Nigerian women experience on a daily basis.


Now tell me if you mad or nah?!

So wearing pink clothes is what Nigerian women are trained to put on everyday?

I can't believe some people fall for this crap article.

There are main problems women are facing in Nigeria societies but not this article written by a pussified feminist.

tintingz:





So wearing pink clothes is what Nigerian women are trained to put on everyday?

I can't believe some people fall for this crap article.

There are main problems women are facing in Nigeria societies but not this article written by a pussified feminist.

First of all, wearing pink clothes is what girls do. Learn to read.

Secondly, you still don't know what satirical means.

I was just about to say that the intended sarcasm of the narrator's write up would be missed by many nairalanders...but that won't be necessary as it's already happening now sef with a famous woman-hater...

Very terrible attempt at sarcasm.... Is dat woman referring to now or the 1970s...

I can cook..
My girlfriend stays on top during sex.. I like it sef...

Who is this woman sef?

Does she stay in Naija?

If not, when last did she visit....

" Never admit to enjoying s,e"x" Smh, so terrible... very poor...

"Women who expose their bodies provoke men into raping them"....... smdh...

Very, very terrible....

tintingz:





So wearing pink clothes is what Nigerian women are trained to put on everyday?

I can't believe some people fall for this crap article.

There are main problems women are facing in Nigeria societies but not this article written by a pussified feminist.

Guy!!!

Wetin na?

Edwife eh
Choi your gifs no be here.
You just have to teach me how u make them.
I've tried and failed.



@ topic,though mildly exaggerated, most of it is true.
All of them would have been true 50yrs back.
There is progress though but meninists aren't happy


That's why Nigerian feminists like us have to be careful to avoid being poisoned or shot to death by folks who'll die first before admitting that man and woman are equal.


N/B I totally sidelined the satire.
Who cares?

As much as I am a guy and most of the things highlighted do not apply to me nor do I not frown at them when I see them happening, the sarcarsm and satire is duly noted. True ladies are fighting hard against these things these days but it is infact the real picture.

Our parents were major actors, even young people. So I'd rather lean towards the truth-unearthing part of the article. It is not fatuous at all.

carefreewannabe:

First of all, wearing pink clothes is what girls do. Learn to read.

Secondly, you still don't know what satirical means.

even after educating him, he's still displaying his ignorance proudly.

By the way, if anyone needs to have over a thousand mentions in a day, the person should just open a new handle -feminist\feminism. The rate at which this word is being mentioned here in this section is insane. I thought if you don't care about a movement\ideology, you ignore it? But not with the folks here, they hate feminism so much they dream, eat, and breathe it. They just can not resist the urge to mention it inappropriately on every thread.

Loosen up boys, at least pretend to enjoy it since it was written by a man, sorry a feminist-man .

Nice article anyway, made me laugh a lot and yeah, many valid instances.

Take for example rape, no matter the circumstance, some beasts in the society still find a way to remind the victim she brought it upon herself with her provocative dressing, some say leaving home as early as 6.00am to fend for yourself (and in most cases family) is an invitation to be raped. For a 6year old, it could be that she is lying against the rapist, and for an 18 year old, she wanted it, if not she could have fought the rapist and escaped.

Dygeasy: As much as I am a guy and most of the things highlighted do not apply to me nor do I not frown at them when I see them happening, the sarcarsm and satire is duly noted. True ladies are fighting hard against these things these days but it is infact the real picture.

Our parents were major actors, even young people. So I'd rather lean towards the truth-unearthing part of the article. It is not fatuous at all.

The point is dat articles like this paint a terrible image of Nigeria...
Ask the lady above you how many of these things her parents told her...

It is called obsession.
You hate something but can't stop mentioning it.
Funny thing is you rarely see feminists start the F word banter. It's usually the anti-s who won't let anyone read a line out of a paragraph without stumbling on the F word.

Yea that's new F word
To hell with the former F word

thandii1:

even after educating him, he's still displaying his ignorance proudly.

By the way, if anyone needs to have over a thousand mentions in a day, the person should just open a new handle -feminist\feminism. The rate at which this word is being mentioned here in this section is insane. I thought if you don't care about a movement\ideology, you ignore it? But not with the folks here, they hate feminism so much they dream, eat, and breathe it. They just can not resist the urge to mention it inappropriately on every thread.

Loosen up boys, at least pretend to enjoy it since it was written by a man, sorry a feminist-man .

Nice article anyway, made me laugh a lot and yeah, many valid instances.

Take for example rape, no matter the circumstance, some beasts in the society still find a way to remind the victim she brought it upon herself with her provocative dressing, some say leaving home as early as 6.00am to fend for yourself (and in most cases family) is an invitation to be raped. For a 6year old, it could be that she is lying against the rapist, and for an 18 year old, she wanted it, if not she could have fought the rapist and escaped.

njokusboy:

The point is dat articles like this paint a terrible image of Nigeria...
Ask the lady above you how many of these things her parents told her...

What's terrible about it?

Isn't this what you expect your ideal woman to be?