Short of words...Awesome write up.It's high time we gave the average Nigerian female a very resounding voice.

.

OP like seriously?

Since when is a female dog known as a dam?

Na wa o...

Smh for dis Seun sef...

ladygogo:

@edwife

I like elnathan. i love his satirical articles.

This article further re-iterates why I wont want to raise a girl child in Nigeria. Mba.

Thank you Aisha.

Yes, you can raise a girl in Naija ! You can raise a girl to become next Iweala, Akunyili,Borha. We must teach and demand accountability from our female child.. If she doesn't like science and math, it's our job to teach her like a male child. It's our responsibility to demand that she performs like a male child.
It's our responsibility to buy toys that can increase their logical and intellectual curiosity instead of buying pink barbie and dolls. It's our responsibility to teach her that she can do better in engineering and science than in philosophy and sociology. Why do we have fewer females in science and engineering classes? Our families teach men to think of how their choices in selecting a course/discipline would impact their ability to provide for their family while we just want women to be " educated" for future husbands.. Teach women to be a competitive and prospective income earner. If a male says that he wants to study history in university, your first reaction would be how is this going to put food on the table? But if a female says that, we might say at least she's going to school. Teach equal responsibility and demand equal accountability.

standd: Wish I can print this out and post it all over the walls of Nigeria

****
Reminds me of when I 'committed sin' with a guy and he would jokingly tell me he was going to write about it and blah blah. Of course, the Nigerian society already taught him that everything he does is his birthright while the gal child should be flogged and insulted for her sins. Well, I'm still waiting for that day..

****
I don't pray to bring up a gal child in this country too, it is really a hard place to bring up a gal child who would grow up believing in herself and ability to be WHOLE without a man.
However, I am hopeful that things will change with time, when these current generation of bigots and two-timing pretenders are all dead. Yes!

I have two daughters. Both toddlers. Bringing up both of them in Nigeria, I'm going to make sure they know how to kick ass and take names.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Taekwondo training is on the cards from when they clock 6.
Basic firearms training when they hit 10.
Vacations overseas to different obscure places around the world to get steeped in all cultures and to ensure they can blend in anywhere.
Top quality education...at least the best i can afford.

Of course, i'm still wondering how i will get them interested in playing FIFA on PlayStation with me.

adconline:
Yes, you can raise a girl in Naija ! You can raise a girl to become next Iweala, Akunyili,Borha. We must teach and demand accountability from our female child.. If she doesn't like science and math, it's our job to teach her like a male child. It's our responsibility to demand that she performs like a male child.
It's our responsibility to buy toys that can increase their logical and intellectual curiosity instead of buying pink barbie and dolls. It's our responsibility to teach her that she can do better in engineering and science than in philosophy and sociology. Why do we have fewer females in science and engineering classes? Our families teach men to think of how their choices in selecting a course/discipline would impact their ability to provide for their family while we just want women to be " educated" for future husbands.. Teach women to be a competitive and prospective income earner. If a male says that he wants to study history in university, your first reaction would be how is this going to put food on the table? But if a female says that, we might say at least she's going to school. Teach equal responsibility and demand equal accountability.

A woman's degree is to make her more marketable as a future housewife. Ain't making that shii up, during final year, my HOD (Engineering) announced that to all the girls. That most of us won't practise Engineering because we would get married, start having kids and complaining we can't go to site, because we're pregnant or we have to get home on-time. Sadly, I've worked with female engineers who use those stup.id excuses. I keep wanting to ask "why didn't you just read 'English, French' or some non-professional course'.

It also annoyed me, the day after Arsenal lost a final to another team, the same HOD came to class, and was gisting about the match with us, then suddenly announced "oh the ladies won't understand what we are talking about, they must look blank when we speak about Football". Why, we don't understand 22 men and a ball for 90 minutes? Is that too hard? Meanwhile, almost all the girls had screamed and watched the match and some had jerseys sef. We just sat there and stared at him.

People make a lot of false assumptions about Nigeria. I suppose because in the minds of foreigners, Nigeria has come lately to represent in one neat package all the former fears associated with the Big Black Man and Darkest Africa, people dont really look closely at Nigeria. Also it's convenient since, for political or ethnic reasons, we Nigerians are liable to tolerate the nonsense people put out about us. And we share with the rest of Africa that insufferable habit of seeing the truth in what people say about us even when there's none.

When i was young the girls in my family could do whatever they wanted except sleep with men before marriage. The boys were much more under heavy discipline. The girls were thought to be graceful, i remember that - things such as how to walk, sit, talk, cook, etc. How to treat men according to traditional custom was indeed on the curriculum but us guys were also thought how to treat women and it was with a lot of respect. Girls weren't limited in what they could study any more than boys...

Generally i find that black women are far more liberated than white women but because conventions dictates that Whites are more advanced they tend to think that they are more liberated (but they are so only in sexual terms) and, because, as i stated above, the African tends to see the truth in whatever is said about him, he takes it as given, in this instance, that black women are more oppressed than white women.

ladygogo:

You can label the writer what you may and whatever you damn well please.

It, however, still doesn't change the fact that it's a satire and it's what a lot of Nigerian women experience on a daily basis.

nigerian women wear pink (or consider pink a feminine colour), are treated like princesses and cant do basic maintenance around the house?


fa fa foul.

Litmus: People make a lot of false assumptions about Nigeria.

true that.

especially on nairaland where many are masquerading as nigerians.

And we share with the rest of Africa that insufferable habit of seeing the truth in what people say about us even when there's none.

hmmm

When i was young the girls in my family could do whatever they wanted

thank you.

i changed car tires, fixed light bulbs, went to the farm on occasion, did generally everything anyone else did except if it was pointedly gender specific.

except sleep with men before marriage.

even that is not necessarily considered a big deal depending on how well the family condones it.

The boys were much more under heavy discipline. The girls were thought to be graceful, i remember that - things such as how to walk, sit, talk, cook, etc. How to treat men according to traditional custom was indeed on the curriculum but us guys were also thought how to treat women and it was with a lot of respect. Girls weren't limited in what they could study any more than boys...

sounds like greek to a lot of people here.

Generally i find that black women are for more liberated than white women but because conventions dictates that Whites are more advanced they tend to think that they are more liberated (but they are so only in sexual terms) and, because, as i stated above, the African tends to see the truth in whatever is said about him, he takes it as given, in this instance, that black women are more oppressed than white women.

just the usual inferiority complex.

I am in my early 20s nd was not trained that way. in fact i am d one that puts on generator, changes bulb nd even drives. Thank God 4 my parents shaa

Feminist=Lesbians

sisiafrika: Feminist=Lesbians

what's the definition of feminist according to nigerians?

they keep throwing the word around without explaining what they are referring to.


is it women who earn good salaries who are called feminists or what exactly?


or women who speak their mind?

sisiafrika: Feminist=Lesbians

SEE HIM DISPLAYING HIS IGNORANCE

Onegai:

A woman's degree is to make her more marketable as a future housewife. Ain't making that shii up, during final year, my HOD (Engineering) announced that to all the girls. That most of us won't practise Engineering because we would get married, start having kids and complaining we can't go to site, because we're pregnant or we have to get home on-time. Sadly, I've worked with female engineers who use those stup.id excuses. I keep wanting to ask "why didn't you just read 'English, French' or some non-professional course'.

It also annoyed me, the day after Arsenal lost a final to another team, the same HOD came to class, and was gisting about the match with us, then suddenly announced "oh the ladies won't understand what we are talking about, they must look blank when we speak about Football". Why, we don't understand 22 men and a ball for 90 minutes? Is that too hard? Meanwhile, almost all the girls had screamed and watched the match and some had jerseys sef. We just sat there and stared at him.

WTF!
Sexism is still rampant in Naija

Onegai:

A woman's degree is to make her more marketable as a future housewife. Ain't making that shii up, during final year, my HOD (Engineering) announced that to all the girls. That most of us won't practise Engineering because we would get married, start having kids and complaining we can't go to site, because we're pregnant or we have to get home on-time. Sadly, I've worked with female engineers who use those stup.id excuses. I keep wanting to ask "why didn't you just read 'English, French' or some non-professional course'.

It also annoyed me, the day after Arsenal lost a final to another team, the same HOD came to class, and was gisting about the match with us, then suddenly announced "oh the ladies won't understand what we are talking about, they must look blank when we speak about Football". Why, we don't understand 22 men and a ball for 90 minutes? Is that too hard? Meanwhile, almost all the girls had screamed and watched the match and some had jerseys sef. We just sat there and stared at him.

must you insist on watching the ball just because males also watch it?

why cant you let them have their own time without always trying to be in their faces?

be yourself, life is not always a competition!

if you like football, then just say you like it as a sport by itself, not because you find men there!

2scorehigh: OP like seriously?

Since when is a female dog known as a dam?

Na wa o...

Smh for dis Seun sef...

wetin concern Seun in this matter?

ladygogo:

You can label the writer what you may and whatever you damn well please.

It, however, still doesn't change the fact that it's a satire and it's what a lot of Nigerian women experience on a daily basis.


Now tell me if you mad or nah?!

....And the will continue to experience it generation to come. It still doesn't make them a loser. "But a weaker vessel Though"

I wonder why some ladies keep chanting they can never raise their girls in Nigeria, isn't it ironic that most of y'all were raised in Nigeria yourselves? Did you turn out bad?

Isn't it also ironic that it's still 'moms' who buy pink stuff for their female children?

Isn't it ironic that it's still women who prefer having their sons handle the hard tasks like changing tires and lightbulbs?

Somewhere on this thread, I read a lady complaining that the girl child is told to enter the kitchen while the boys are left to watch TV. Would you complain when you're the one left to watch TV and your brother is asked to go fix the car?

I get the exaggerations in the article but that's exactly what they are... exaggerations! Nothing more!

alutacontinua:


I AGREE!

tpia1:


must you insist on watching the ball just because males also watch it?

why cant you let them have their own time without always trying to be in their faces?

be yourself, life is not always a competition!

if you like football, then just say you like it as a sport by itself, not because you find men there!

Wow, you read what I typed and that was your takeaway

I frankly don't care if men like football, I liked it and not because men were there (if that's how your mind works, well ) To explain in simple English, everyone watched the match, but my HOD assumed no females watched it because he thinks "Footie is for boys only".

Did I use simple enough English, do you understand now sweetie, or do you want me to make you a crayon drawing so you can comprehend?

1. Pink is not considered gender specific in nigeria. Its female oriented only when nigerians go outside the country.

2. Changing tires and lightbulbs are done by either boys or girls, I have assisted in changing tires in the past. Changing lightbulbs is not rocket science and anybody does it back home without being electrocuted by evil people.

3. Cooking is also not necessarily gender specific unless the parent or family raises their kid/s that way. That's why a lot of nigerian men know how to cook!

4. You people should go easy on your lies plz! No be only you be nigerian on this site! If indeed you are nigerian, probably 419.

.

Onegai:

Wow, you read what I typed and that was your takeaway

I frankly don't care if men like football, I liked it and not because men were there (if that's how your mind works, well ) To explain in simple English, everyone watched the match, but my HOD assumed no females watched it because he thinks "Footie is for boys only".

Did I use simple enough English, do you understand now sweetie, or do you want me to make you a crayon drawing so you can comprehend?

you find yourself funny, at least it helps your low self esteem?

I'm all for that, thank goodness for nairaland which is helping you folks.

The writer of this article is either not a Nigerian, or has not experienced Nigeria, I can't count the number of times I have seen Nigerian ladies talk and do most if not all of those things she claims are taboo for them.

bukatyne:

So you agree there was an 'old way?'

Don't you believe that some people will still want to be stuck to it especially when it favours them?

Some guys still think like that. You need to hear posh men talking in my office. Some are so archaic! 'How can my wife ask for my whereabouts? When she sees me, she sees me'; 'All these feferity na courtship o! after marriage, she go know say she don get husband' etc. etc. Omo, character no be by poshness. Beneath all the class, some guys are really not different from their 15th century counterparts.

What men say in group is different from what they do individually.

Although their are a lot of sense in the writeup, but I totally disagree with some of the points.

1) That a male child should not be thought how to cook; Using myself as an example, I had learn how to cook since when I was 8 yrs & more so we don't have a female child in my family. In this case do you now expect us to sit down with our legs crossed and then leave our mother to do the work all alone? Also throughout my five yrs in school, I usually cook myself except sometimes when a female friend comes around & desides to help me. So if I hadn't learn that from home, how do u expect me to have been able to cope with that in a foreign land.
2) About sex, for me I don't believe sex should be enjoyed only by men, it must be enjoyed by both the man & his wife.thats why God created sex & made is a means of strengthening the marriage. In fact through my research, if i find out that my fiancé is the type that will not be able to enjoy sex with me, I'd rather not marry her. Because its no point engaging her in a task she wouldn't enjoy. And more so, it is my duty to always make her happy in every way, which include the sexual aspect.
3) Saying that a girl should not be tough how to fix a bulb, mhen! It's going to be somehow. Are you trying to say that female should not study engineering anymore?

4) etc.

aisha2: Its a Satire before anybody kill me this hot sunday afternoon: Enjoy: wanted to write an article on “How to be a Man”, seeing as we are told in scripture that man was made before woman. But since that manual was going to be too short for its own column, I decided to include it here.

How To Be a Man in Nigeria:

Do what you want, when you want, how you want. The world is yours. Only fellow men can stop you. The End.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us talk about women.

This is how to be a woman in Nigeria.

As a woman you must understand the Grundnorm which will guide you throughout life: You, having been made from the ribs of a man, are inferior to man. Once you understand this, every other thing becomes easier to swallow.

In Nigeria, your life is incomplete without a man. So when you have got those degrees, that plum job, that house, those cars, it would be right for a journalist to ask you: so, (after all these irrelevant achievements) when are you going to get married? Because in Nigeria, a woman who does not get married will not make heaven. She is incomplete, like a missing sock, or the left leg of a sandal.

As a woman professional who has done the right thing and got married, you must prepare in every interview to answer the following question: How do you balance family and work? It does not matter that successful men with many wives and dozens of children are never asked about work-family balance. It is not a man’s job to take care of children. That is why you were made. And that is why when you decide to go and become successful, we need to ask you if you are neglecting your primary responsibility, which is cleaning up after the man you married.

A good, scripture-believing woman must avoid agents of the devil, like those who say that women need to have the same rights as men. Any woman who tells you that women are equal human beings and deserve the same treatment is a woman that wants to drag you to hell.

In matters of sex, you must never admit to knowing anything more than basic lying down and letting it happen to you. You are not a participant. You are a mere facilitator in an activity designed to make your superior human enjoy the process. That is why women who talk about their sex life are called sluts. It does not matter that it takes two to tango. If nature wanted you to be a human being like a man, it would not have made you the one carrying the pregnancy. A slut simply defined is a woman who wrongfully appropriates to herself the right to enjoy sex. I would advise you not to worry about the fact that a man, who does the same thing a slut does, is called a stud. Even in the animal kingdom, male and female animals have different names. That is why a male dog is called a dog and a female, a bitch. It is not my fault. Ask the white people who came up with those names. Just remember the Grundnorm: women are inferior to men.

The rule is, never admit to enjoying sex or even to having had previous partners or boyfriends. If you meet a man and you are not a virgin, you must find a way of explaining why you are in this sinful state. You can say that you were doing inter-house sports in secondary school and while doing the high jump, you lost your hymen. Or you can blame it on riding bicycles. But if you have to admit to ever having had sex, say that it happened only once and that you did not enjoy it even. Say that he deceived you. Then the man will forgive you for not being a virgin. Do not ask how many women he has been with – how is this relevant? It is your virginity that counts. However, never ever admit to having been sexually abused, because you will be blamed for putting yourself in the position to be raped. And no one will want you.

Do you have a daughter? Do not despair. Sometimes God tests us with trials. While believing God for the miracle of a son in your life, I have prepared a list of things you must do to prepare your girl child to be the ideal woman. Follow this list and your daughter will turn out to be a happy, blessed Nigerian woman:

1.      Let her wear pink. Girls wear pink. It does not matter if she likes blue.

2.     Teach her to be a princess. Princesses sit all day in castles and wait to be rescued by princes to whom the world belongs. Her goal should be to make a prince happy one day.

3.   Do not teach her how to change light bulbs, care tires or lift heavy items. That is for her brothers. This will ensure that she will go through life depending on men to do these things for her. A woman who knows how to depend on a man is a happy woman.

4.    Teach her how to be a good wife. This means first knowing how to clean and cook for a man. Because if you do not cook for a man, he will find another, well-trained cooking woman to sleep with. And it will be your fault. On no account should you teach your son how to cook. This will weaken him and make him a slave to some evil witch of a woman. You do not want this.

5.    Teach her to know her place. A woman does not raise her voice where there are men. That is a badly behaved woman with no home training. A good woman knows that silence is golden.

6.   Let’s say your daughter has finished university and just found work. While it is ok to buy a car for your son to make it easy for him to get to work, you must not do so for your daughter. In fact, before she gets married you must advise her against buying a car for herself. This scares men away. And god forbid that your daughter ends up as an old angry spinster. Old angry spinsters become feminists or worse, lesbians. And we all know lesbians and feminists will not make heaven.

7.    Teach her to cover her body properly and wear very long skirts. Because women who expose their bodies provoke men into raping them. You don’t want the devil to use your daughter to tempt men.

8.   Avoid things that may make your daughter look like a lesbian or diminish her feminine appearance. If she must engage in extra-curricular activities, make sure they are activities for women like skipping rope. Forbid her from doing anything that can make her calves or shoulders look muscular or like yam tubers. Discourage her from lifting weights, and excessive sports. Excessive sports can make her woman parts, like breasts, reduce in size. God forbid that your daughter ends up looking like a man. Next thing you know, lesbians will start eyeing her. God forbid.
I will keep sharing tips with you as they come to me. Because I care.

God bless your hustle as you try to become the perfect happy Nigerian woman


Aluta abeg bring ya mat

I love this man. He is my hero. I need to say it again. I love this man.

He is the funniest Nigerian writer I know. I will be in this thread all day singing his praises. Satire is Elnathan's bítch. He owns that shít.

When his next book comes out, I will travel to Nigeria specifically to buy it and have him inscribe it for me.

2scorehigh: OP like seriously?

Since when is a female dog known as a dam?

Na wa o...

Smh for dis Seun sef...

The word bítch gets censored and turned into one of NL's ridiculous word replacements.

Onegai:

Wow, you read what I typed and that was your takeaway

I frankly don't care if men like football, I liked it and not because men were there (if that's how your mind works, well ) To explain in simple English, everyone watched the match, but my HOD assumed no females watched it because he thinks "Footie is for boys only".

Did I use simple enough English, do you understand now sweetie, or do you want me to make you a crayon drawing so you can comprehend?

Gasping. I love you. I wish I could follow you a second time.

I could have warned you OP. I always put "Disclaimer: this is sarcasm" on my sarcastic/satirical posts and some Nairalanders STILL DON'T GET IT. It's not even funny anymore, it's really a horrifying thought.

Public education for everyone is to society's benefit as a whole. Who wants to live in a country with a bunch of stúpid people?

#StolenDreams

Onegai:
Why does Sarcasm go over Nigerians' heads?? Didn't they study English and Literature in school.

They did. Unfortunately, the teachers didn't.