yeyenatu: i hear you. but, wouldnt it be better he marries her than father a child out there that you dont know about.

we'd like to say its selfish for the man. i dont think a man can just wake up to say i want a second wife. i think its owning up if uou ask me. it is painful, dont get me wrong but i would rather he marries than do the nasty behind my back. in such situations, one may even not see his brakelight at all sef. keep him under your roof, so you can monitor his excapades and prepare for it. its better than being surprised with something your mind cant deal with at a time its not prepared for.


YYN

#Realistic

maclatunji:

The woman can get a divorce if the husband is Impotent and she cannot live with it.

You raise a good point about impotent men, do you realise that an impotent man cannot have real sex with a woman but a barren woman can be the best sexual partner in the world. The only thing is that she cannot have children. Do not confuse impotence for infertility in men.

So, if the husband loves her as a woman, a friend and so on, he can still keep her. Do not make ridiculous arguments my friend, what sane man that can have children would only seek to adopt one? Even a woman with an infertile husband would not accept it.

Most fertile men with a barren wife would insist on having their own children and a second wife is the best option in such a scenario.

Thanks for the correction, I actually meant infertile men, still you didn't really answer all the questions regarding the tables being turned.

What if the man suddenly becomes impotent maybe due to an accident or health issues? You advocate divorce in this case I guess.

Who says women haven't been accepting and living with infertile men since time imo river? Ogbeni say the truth na, haba!

What if he cannot satisfy her sexually for whatever reasons, should she move on to the next husband without a care?

freecocoa: Thanks for the correction, I actually meant infertile men, still you didn't really answer all the questions regarding the tables being turned.

What if the man suddenly becomes impotent maybe due to an accident or health issues? You advocate divorce in this case I guess.

Who says women haven't been accepting and living with infertile men since time imo river? Ogbeni say the truth na, haba!

What if he cannot satisfy her sexually for whatever reasons, should she move on to the next husband without a care?

It is up to her to decide if she wants to stay or not. Would you advise her to get a lover? Would you be comfortable and confident to come out and say you advised her to get a lover because her husband could not satisfy her?

yeyenatu: i hear you. but, wouldnt it be better he marries her than father a child out there that you dont know about.

we'd like to say its selfish for the man. i dont think a man can just wake up to say i want a second wife. i think its owning up if uou ask me. it is painful, dont get me wrong but i would rather he marries than do the nasty behind my back. in such situations, one may even not see his brakelight at all sef. keep him under your roof, so you can monitor his excapades and prepare for it. its better than being surprised with something your mind cant deal with at a time its not prepared for.


YYN

Please don't make this about all men, some men will stick and die with their wives and such a man is who I hope to end up with, but if life somehow doesn't turn out the way I hope, I expect to be told and not just have another woman brought into my home because one man can't control the thing between his legs.

I would gladly walk away if he has the need to be with another woman.

maclatunji:

It is up to her to decide if she wants to stay or not. Would you advise her to get a lover? Would you be comfortable and confident to come out and say you advised her to get a lover because her husband could not satisfy her?

But it's okay for a man to come out and say "I got another wife because my 1st wife couldn't satisfy me"? Chei!

You say I'm leaning towards gender inequality, ofcourse that's what it's always been about na, if women got to do half the things men do without any problems, you think this world would be like this?

In one of your posts, you said a man can take a wife because his 1st wife no longer cared, I asked what kind of a home they would have and you didn't answer.

maclatunji:

#Realistic

but can be avoided if he'd just talk to her about those things he's beginning to see in the other her. its normal at any point for one to feel a tinge of affection for someone else but its not always 'for the good' of everyone if he/she goes through with taking it all the way.


gender equality is bullshit. i dont want to be a clay when i can be the vase. its made of clay but its in a better shape. finished and defined to be appreciated.

but, he shouldnt get carried away with his role as the man because i also have a right to notice a cute guy if she can notice a pretty girl.



YYN

freecocoa: Please don't make this about all men, some men will stick and die with their wives and such a man is who I hope to end up with, but if life somehow doesn't turn out the way I hope, I expect to be told and not just have another woman brought into my home because one man can't control the thing between his legs.

I would gladly walk away if he has the need to be with another woman.

yes. thats the point, its not like you wont be told. he wont just bring her like that. come on, the woman will notice that something is up with him. but typical of her to say "lai lai, i trust my him. he wouldnt dare" or "he loves me too much to even think about t" instead of coming out right to really nip it.

i have a colleague who decided, according to her, to marry one of her suitors because he had tribal marks and in her mind, people wont bother him and she would have him to herself. lie!!! he now has a second wife who also has the same tribal marks.

we all want to have him to ourselves, we can only hope/pray/try to make his eyes shine just for us.

so you would leave after say like 15 years of marriage because he wants a second wife. well, if thats how you see it anyway.

sometimes its not just about the thing between his legs. sometimes, its emotional and guys are suckers for emotional attachments even though they trry to hide it. if he gets the TLC and a certain kind of understanding somewhere else, then trust me, thats gonna get him before the the thing between his legs follows suit.


YYN

yeyenatu:

true but it also has its issues too. my sister is married as a second wife and she has her own house. her husby is a afternoon and second weekend husband. even my little niece, when she sees her father she would ask if it was time for lunch already. each has its own jare.

YYN

Yes it have its drawbacks but better than having two women in the same space
Catfights!

texanomaly:
First of all, in a polygamous relationship, the parties are married.
Infidelity is defined as...

1. marital disloyalty; adultery.

2. unfaithfulness; disloyalty.

Whereas polygamy is defined as...

the practice or condition of having more than one spouse, especially wife, at one time.

Where is this infidelity you speak of?

Not because of, but despite the experiences recounted here, polygamy is by definition flawed.

If a man has one one and marries another, how is he remaining faithful to the first wife?
If a man has 2 or more wives, are any of the wives permitted to marry another man and still be considered faithful?

Not only flawed but impossible to truly follow where it leads. It's infidelity by fiat - but still infidelity. There it is - in plain sight - by definition.

texanomaly:
At least you know who your husband is sleeping with. Does a woman with a cheating husband know who, or how many woman her husband is sleeping with? Does she know if the other women are healthy or disease ridden?

I laugh. So because a man has two or more wives, they must of a necessity know who he is sleeping with? Or he is somehow magically prevented from lying with anyone not "a wife".

A polygamous mindset is more likely to lead to infidelity as it's taken for granted. It's expected. Polygamy is in many cultures pretty much twinned with concubinage.

texanomaly:
Now let's ask the question again.

A wife in a polygamous marriage knows exactly who her husband is sleeping with, and who the other wife is sleeping with. Is a monogamous marriage to a philandering "holy man" a "better deal"?

First, as explained earlier, you opened with a misstatement - an assertion that is still more likely of a monogamous relationship than a polygamous one.

Second, the obtuse reference to religion apart - which I did not touch on as monogamy is not solely a religious notion - at least in monogamy there is the expectation of fidelity, and recourse to repentance or remedy if there is a breach. A woman in a polygamous marriage is efectively saying she welcomes and endorses legally endorsed infidelity.


TV

TV01

infidelity as an act occurs outside the marriage whether monogamous or otherwise

Polygamy is not infidelity as long as the sexual affairs are kept within the union

That a polygamous mindset is more likely to lead to infidelity as it's taken for granted is not in doubt

In the old days there were still taboos to ensure women did not sleep around
Whether mono or poly, few men want to raise another man's child

So to say polygamy is infidelity is still reaching
However I agree the mindset is more likely

soonest: Who says polygamous men don't cheat? In fact they are the greater cheats. So the notion that as a wife in such a setting u will knw who ur husb is sleeping with doesn't hold water at all. A cheat is a cheat even when he has 100 wives.
I wish the Op had opened this thread as a diary like pickabeau said, so that it doesn't turn into a religious thing cos it's brewing

So far its being cordial.. slightly brewing beneath the surface
Its only a matter of time in my opinion

The only thing thats kept it mellow so far is the admission of the OP that she is from a non-Islamic household

yeyenatu: but can be avoided if he'd just talk to her about those things he's beginning to see in the other her. its normal at any point for one to feel a tinge of affection for someone else but its not always 'for the good' of everyone if he/she goes through with taking it all the way.


gender equality is bullshit. i dont want to be a clay when i can be the vase. its made of clay but its in a better shape. finished and defined to be appreciated.

but, he shouldnt get carried away with his role as the man because i also have a right to notice a cute guy if she can notice a pretty girl.



YYN

Your points are valid.

yeyenatu:

yes. thats the point, its not like you wont be told. he wont just bring her like that. come on, the woman will notice that something is up with him. but typical of her to say "lai lai, i trust my him. he wouldnt dare" or "he loves me too much to even think about t" instead of coming out right to really nip it.

i have a colleague who decided, according to her, to marry one of her suitors because he had tribal marks and in her mind, people wont bother him and she would have him to herself. lie!!! he now has a second wife who also has the same tribal marks.

we all want to have him to ourselves, we can only hope/pray/try to make his eyes shine just for us.

so you would leave after say like 15 years of marriage because he wants a second wife. well, if thats how you see it anyway.

sometimes its not just about the thing between his legs. sometimes, its emotional and guys are suckers for emotional attachments even though they trry to hide it. if he gets the TLC and a certain kind of understanding somewhere else, then trust me, thats gonna get him before the the thing between his legs follows suit.


YYN

#Brilliant

pickabeau1: TV01

infidelity as an act occurs outside the marriage whether monogamous or otherwise

Polygamy is not infidelity as long as the sexual affairs are kept within the union

That a polygamous mindset is more likely to lead to infidelity as it's taken for granted is not in doubt

In the old days there were still taboos to ensure women did not sleep around
Whether mono or poly, few men want to raise another man's child

So to say polygamy is infidelity is still reaching
However I agree the mindset is more likely

The infidelity is not necessarily physical; the Bible says any man who thinks of sleeping with a woman (not a wife) in his heart, he has committed adultery

Now, when a man wants to marry another wife, he must court her (not necessarily sex et al) first before the marriage. The act of courting her is the infidelity (I am talking of religious/moral folks who do no sex before 'marriage')

Besides, we know that most men married their girlfriends who got pregnant or decided to 'hook' him.

It is well

pickabeau1: TV01

infidelity as an act occurs outside the marriage whether monogamous or otherwise

Polygamy is not infidelity as long as the sexual affairs are kept within the union

That a polygamous mindset is more likely to lead to infidelity as it's taken for granted is not in doubt

In the old days there were still taboos to ensure women did not sleep around
Whether mono or poly, few men want to raise another man's child

So to say polygamy is infidelity is still reaching
However I agree the mindset is more likely

Firstly, I don't agree that the fact that something is legally codified necessarily makes it moral. Gay marriage?

Secondly, please explain how a man who takes a second wife is being faithful to the first? And why one of his multiple wives taking another husband is not permitted and/or considered "faithful"?

Each marriage is a seperate contract - in order to fulfil one, he has to breach the other/s.
Otherwise we are talking polyamory - where all parties must agree.

I appreciate that it is cuturally, religiously and legally permissable to some, but scrutinising the logic of it clearly shows it's flaws. The actual dynamic of polygamous homes is even more telling. Even a glowing reference of his personal experience by tbaba merely reveals that as the exception rather than the norm.

We can blather on about this till cock crow at dawn. But the truth is evident. Monogamy is superior ATBE, with polygamy perhaps being a useful short-term measure in times of great stress - at best.


TV

^{...lol, I didn't say rooster 0!}

freecocoa: GodsDivinefavor, please is your husband a christian?

Hubby is a christian.

Like have mentioned ealier I think religion cannot stop the man's action.

@GodsDivinefavor,

All I can say is 'God be with you'

I cannot imagine having to share my hubby with another woman so I can understand the pain you are going through

It is well

Why not leave and avoid this harem you are going to find yourself in? If the woman enters...you will be counted as part of the property of the man....not a partner anymore.
Make this man jealous by showing him that the world does not revolve around him.
Ask yourself what you're gonna gain from a polygamous home which has already left you unfulfilled in your present monogamous relationship.
Your are making the emotional adjustment while your guy is frolicking on getting his new bride home.

Wake up sis, and check your options again.

TV01:

Firstly, I don't agree that the fact that something is legally codified necessarily makes it moral. Gay marriage?

The major thing is that you look at this issue from the lens of christianity
Monogamy as a way of life is less than 2000 y old

Secondly, please explain how a man who takes a second wife is being faithful to the first? And why one of his multiple wives taking another husband is not permitted and/or considered "faithful"?

Ditto..same as above.. your lens
Fidelity is staying with the wife(s) in the union whether mono or poly

Each marriage is a seperate contract - in order to fulfil one, he has to breach the other/s.
Otherwise we are talking polyamory - where all parties must agree.

I appreciate that it is cuturally, religiously and legally permissable to some, but scrutinising the logic of it clearly shows it's flaws. The actual dynamic of polygamous homes is even more telling. Even a glowing reference of his personal experience by tbaba merely reveals that as the exception rahter than the norm.

We can blather on about this till cock crow at dawn. But the truth is evident. Monogamy is superior ATBE, with polygamy perhaps being a useful short-term measure in times of great stress - at best.


TV

^{...lol, I didn't say rooster 0!}

ok

bukatyne:

The infidelity is not necessarily physical; the Bible says any man who thinks of sleeping with a woman (not a wife) in his heart, he has committed adultery

Now, when a man wants to marry another wife, he must court her (not necessarily sex et al) first before the marriage. The act of courting her is the infidelity (I am talking of religious/moral folks who do no sex before 'marriage')

Besides, we know that most men married their girlfriends who got pregnant or decided to 'hook' him.

It is well

And the bolded does not occur when a single man wants to court a single woman?
Since to you the act of courting is lust

GodsDivinefavor:

Hubby is a christian.

Like have mentioned ealier I think religion cannot stop the man's action.

No vex oo but what's his reason?

you can choose to ignore my question.
just wanna see it from his end for 1millisecond.
I've been following this thread and I must say I dunno what to say to you.
I really feel for you ma-am.

@GodsDivinefavor,

Sorry to ask, are you done with child bearing?

I want to say something from my sister's experience.

They are doing competition with child bearing, once one gets pregnant, the other gets pregnant too. At the end of the day after delivery, gossip will start. Example. my son is more handsome, her son is older but mine is growing faster then hers', and so many comparison like that joor.

The tendency to be jealous will always be there provided you are living together, staying apart would have been better.

If you have any means of convincing your husband not to bring her to the house, its better now than later when you have already turned enemies.

sandijey: GodsDivinefavor.
God is your strength. Its a very difficult situation. The advise your mum gave u is based on her being a third wife. If you were close to your step mum, I mean your dad's first wife. My dear, she is in the best position to advise you. Can't imagine how you're feeling. Don't listen to any insult anybody might give. As I earlier stated. A cheating husband is no different from a polygamyst. We all just try to give bad things sweet names. It is well.

A polygamist is indeed far better and it's more honourable than to be a cheating husband.

polygamist, though not easy to do but when practiced properly by the people involved has the solution to many of human marital problems.

pickabeau1:

And the bolded does not occur when a single man wants to court a single woman?
Since to you the act of courting is lust

The mere fact that he was courting the other lady while married sums up to infidelity. Do you think the man wasn't sexually active with the girlfriend while married?

freecocoa: But it's okay for a man to come out and say "I got another wife because my 1st wife couldn't satisfy me"? Chei!

You say I'm leaning towards gender inequality, ofcourse that's what it's always been about na, if women got to do half the things men do without any problems, you think this world would be like this?

In one of your posts, you said a man can take a wife because his 1st wife no longer cared, I asked what kind of a home they would have and you didn't answer.

Yes thanks, a million times yes. This is about gender equality to the up most ability! We all know that if a wife were to open up about infidelity she's branded a pariah. We're all human, meaning that if it's possible for a man to justify cheating it's possible for the wife as well.

diegs:

The mere fact that he was courting the other lady while married sums up to infidelity. Do you think the man wasn't sexually active with the girlfriend while married?

Read what is being said

To the best of my knowlegde African Traditional Religions, Islam, Judaism and Xtianity frown on sexual relations outside marriage

The issue here is what constitutes the marriage

MrPresident1: But I think men who are polygamous at these times are just greedy. There really is no need to be polygamous at these times considering the weight of added responsibility. 2 wives for what Just preposterous!

There may be genuine reasons sha

Why speaking from both sides of the mouth?

yeyenatu:

yes. thats the point, its not like you wont be told. he wont just bring her like that. come on, the woman will notice that something is up with him. but typical of her to say "lai lai, i trust my him. he wouldnt dare" or "he loves me too much to even think about t" instead of coming out right to really nip it.

i have a colleague who decided, according to her, to marry one of her suitors because he had tribal marks and in her mind, people wont bother him and she would have him to herself. lie!!! he now has a second wife who also has the same tribal marks.

we all want to have him to ourselves, we can only hope/pray/try to make his eyes shine just for us.

so you would leave after say like 15 years of marriage because he wants a second wife. well, if thats how you see it anyway.

sometimes its not just about the thing between his legs. sometimes, its emotional and guys are suckers for emotional attachments even though they trry to hide it. if he gets the TLC and a certain kind of understanding somewhere else, then trust me, thats gonna get him before the the thing between his legs follows suit.


YYN

You are saying that a woman should consider her emotional attachment to a man,but the man is okay to trample on hers

C'mon, I'm really tired of this rhetoric that we should be the ones to suffer and remember the years of marriage. If he wants to remarry, let us divorce fairly and he start from scratch with the new lady. Why should she enjoy the life that I built up? To have me go from the woman in the house to one of the subordinate in the household?

vivalableue:

You are saying that a woman should consider her emotional attachment to a man,but the man is okay to trample on hers

C'mon, I'm really tired of this rhetoric that we should be the ones to suffer and remember the years of marriage. If he wants to remarry, let us divorce fairly and he start from scratch with the new lady. Why should she enjoy the life that I built up? To have me go from the woman in the house to one of the subordinate in the household?

this post is an option left to strong women and i support it
However it means the man is suffering little or no consequence

GodsDivinefavor:

In all honesty, I don't how he was able to manage that side of the story.

It is well

pickabeau1: The major thing is that you look at this issue from the lens of christianity

I can't really argue that point can I? Even if I claim it's morality based, it's evident my morality is Christianity based.

pickabeau1: Monogamy as a way of life is less than 2000 y old

But I can argue this one; please evidence that assertion.

Whatever ones beliefs about how human beings - or marriage - came into existence, polygamy could never have pre-dated monogamy. even a polygamist has to marry one to start with !

With a natural birthrate of around 105/6 boys to 100 girls, even where polygamy is permitted, monogamy remains the most practiced model.

Polygamy would be dead on arrival (or at best marginal) in a society where there is full harmony and empowerment of the sexes. ATBE, all it really is is a carnal (legally winked at) outlet for concupiscence in men.

ATBE, what right-thinking or empowered woman really wants to share her husband? And what loving and faithful man can really claim that he requires further wives?

pickabeau1:
Fidelity is staying with the wife(s) in the union whether mono or poly

All you are saying here - and quite wrongly I might add - is that fidelity is not synonymous with conjugal faithfullness. By definition, you cannot make that claim for monogamy.


TV

pickabeau1:

And the bolded does not occur when a single man wants to court a single woman?
Since to you the act of courting is lust

Pickabeau1

Is a married woman collecting money for 'hair' from her colleague the same with a single lady doing so?

Is a married woman collecting a toaster's number the same with a single lady doing so?