Tpia!

tpia:



Inheritance wars in africa are usually deadly, wise people are careful when confronted with such.


Imo, polygamy is simply a very effective means of population and lineage control, its quite common for polygamous families to knock each other off by various ways and means over the years without too many eyebrows being raised.

TV01:

I won't allow it. I don't want her to get ideas. As much of a man that I am, I niether want nor need another wife !


TV

^{...if there is anything virtuous, anything beneficial, anything praiseworthy, anything endearing about polygamy, please share...}

• widows

• divorced women

• single old ladies

• baby mamas

This are the stigma Nigerian women face.

This are what lead/led many women into polygamy marriages, is it not beneficial to them?

tintingz:
• widows

• divorced women

• single old ladies

• baby mamas

This are the stigma Nigerian women face.

This are what lead many women into polygamy marriages, is it not beneficial for them?

No!

It's the fact that those words are said with such disdain that leads them there.

dis·dain
disˈdān/
noun
1.
the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
"her upper lip curled in disdain"
synonyms: contempt, scorn, scornfulness, contemptuousness, derision, disrespect.

I once met a lady from Edo state. She was wife number 3, she told me that she worked with the Nigerian customs and honestly, I cannot recall if she had a B.Sc or not. But I was an undergraduate back then.
I was incredulous and I asked her "how do you cope?" for I could not even imagine sharing my husband.
She told me a lot but one thing I recall is that she said the wives quarrel but once they hear the husband's voice, they collaborate and become very jovial amongst each other. He could never catch them fighting, that would make him too comfortable to bring in #4. But seeing them in harmony, he is a little "nervous" if that's the right word.
I suspect she was brought in to calm the nerves of #1 and #2. Even now, I still wonder about it but then to each his/her own. Each family is different and will do what suits them best

texanomaly:

No!

It's the fact that those words are said with such disdain that leads them there.

dis·dain
disˈdān/
noun
1.
the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
"her upper lip curled in disdain"
synonyms: contempt, scorn, scornfulness, contemptuousness, derision, disrespect; More
antonyms: respect

How many single Nigerian men is ready to marry a baby mama?

Even if the man is ready to marry a baby mama, will the man's family bless the union?

and if she decide to live as a single mother, she won't hear word from Nigerians with their big mouth.

tintingz: How many single Nigerian men is ready to marry a baby mama?

Even if the man is ready to marry a baby mama, will the man's family bless the union?

and if she decide to live as a single mother, she won't hear word from Nigerians with their big mouth.

I rest my case your Honor.

*sits in "First" chair*

tintingz: How many single Nigerian men is ready to marry a baby mama?

Even if the man is ready to marry a baby mama, will the man's family bless the union?

and if she decide to live as a single mother, she won't hear word from Nigerians with their big mouth.

That is exactly the point that she was trying to make. The disdain with which society treats those women is what pushes some of them into becoming a 2nd or 3rd or even 4th wife

tatiana009:

That is exactly the point that she was trying to make. The disdain with which society treats those women is what pushes some of them into becoming a 2nd or 3rd or even 4th wife

I replied to her first word "No".

texanomaly:

I rest my case your Honor.

*sits in "First" chair*

Don't rest your case, kindly continue.

cococandy: .

Seen..
Funny responses BTW

tintingz:
• widows

Widows can marry single people, divorcees or other widowers. And I refer specifically to "the younger widowers. At an age, many prefer to remain single.

tintingz:
• divorced women

As previous. And the remedy for one ill is not to introduce another.

tintingz:
• single old ladies

As previous

tintingz:
• baby mamas

As previous. And the remedy for one ill is not to introduce another.

tintingz:
This are the stigma Nigerian women face.

A number of things here;

1. These are the stigma & misfortune that women face everywhere. Divorce and baby mama'ism are not best for a flourishing society. Losing a spouse is tragic, but it unfortunately happens. Should women with husbands venture to marry widowers? Or is that the prefered solution for widowers?

2. In all the case mentioned, the arrival of a new woman on another womans territory casues upheaval, at best the incumbent may manage the situation, but it is rearely the case that she sees it as best for her and her children.

3. As in the case in question - i.e. the OP - the vast majority of additional wives will not touch the categories outlined. Men typically accumulate younger, fresher wives - which also adds to the incumbents psychological trauma - lets not decieve anyone here.

We are men, we don't have a young pretty wife at home and then start coveting the older not-as-nubile woman outside. There would have to be another reason for that - riches, connections, prestige etc. - non of which are reasons to marry. And neither is the "charitable" reason you are insinuating.

tintingz:
This are what lead/led many women into polygamy marriages, is it not beneficial to them?

Not more than marginally so - to them and society - and there are better and preferred solutions as well as greater costs than any benefit. Like I said the vast majority of additional wives do not fall into the categories you outlined. It's basically a wandering dick scam.


TV

texanomaly:

No!

It's the fact that those words are said with such disdain that leads them there.

dis·dain
disˈdān/
noun
1.
the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
"her upper lip curled in disdain"
synonyms: contempt, scorn, scornfulness, contemptuousness, derision, disrespect.

Antonmys for disdain include;

admiration
affection
approval
flattery
liking
love
praise
regard
respect
compliment
esteem
favor

Should society view baby mamaism and divorce in those terms?


TV

tintingz: How many single Nigerian men is ready to marry a baby mama?

Even if the man is ready to marry a baby mama, will the man's family bless the union?

and if she decide to live as a single mother, she won't hear word from Nigerians with their big mouth.

Take a poll - on NL sef;

1. How many people grow up and planning or dreaming to marry a single parent?
2. How many plan on being one?
3. How many wish it for their loved ones
4. How many think it is best for them & why? Or why not?

Whatever term you use to describe societies stigma of it - which is for good reason - even if it is not evident or people pay it no mind, you still cannot deny people their preferences.

Just like men typically want young and fresh women and women prefer men who are dominant providors - both "preferring", if not outright "scorning" those who do not fit - you can rail against cultural morés all you want, but you can't deny fundamental biological imperatives.

I see polygamy as fraud.


TV

TV01:



Antonmys for disdain include;

admiration
affection
approval
flattery
liking
love
praise
regard
respect
compliment
esteem
favor

Should society view baby mamaism and divorce in those terms?


TV

Do you know what an Antonym is?

texanomaly:

Do you know what an Antonym is?

Do you normally answer questions with other questions?


TV

moca:
I'm happy some men here outrightly condem this injustice to fellow human.
Kudos.
Where r those men that carry polygamy for head?
Come and argue ur case with fellow men.
Again, man's inhumanity to fellow human all because of culture and religion.
And by d way, I was told we used to go naked in d olden days, so how come we r covering up now?
Yeyebrity at its peak.

....and I'm equally unhappy that some women are justyfying it. Most especially those not living it? Let's not make it about sex sha!

cococandy: She speaks like it would be easy to assert authority over a full grown woman coming in to live with one as the newly found favorite who's giving what the first wife lacked in the first place to warrant such occurence.

The best she can pray for is that the new woman is peaceful and willing to accommodate.

...abi? Like hot air will cool a heated situation. That ones people sef may be steeling her to not take any shit from the "old woman" and to do her best to ensure her husband favours her.

Even if she's humble, she still cannot legislate for the likely favouritism shown by the husband or heal the trauma of the incumbent - afterall, it's her very presence that caused it!


TV

Smh

Polygamy isn't all evils. Like monogamy, it ain't all roses. Even roses can cause pain when handled roughly; thorns.

But sharing is not easy even amongst siblings. So I get what y'all are saying. Well, maybe I did see it from religious point of view. And I can be quite feisty when I talk about the religion I was born into and secular isshs.

I don't think I can strive in polygamy thus the need to make him see no reason to see what someone out there is doing that I am not. I'd just have to get better at what I'm presently doing.

@OP: if you are of a religion that doesn't allow it, then you need to take a firm stand that you don't want her in your home. Let your husband understand that your acceptance of it doesn't include him bringing his unfaithfulness into your space.

I don't get why People whose religious beliefs doesn't support polygamy go ahead and indulge in it and yet be doing mouth anyhow to condemn other teachings of other religions.

Culture wise, in those days, many wives were mostly caused by 'shi shu opo' things. When you inherit a wife from a sibling after his death. Or also affluence.

IMO#


YYN

tatiana009:

That is exactly the point that she was trying to make. The disdain with which society treats those women is what pushes some of them into becoming a 2nd or 3rd or even 4th wife

And the same society has Polygamy as a remedy for this disdain. Problem solved unless you insist on having your opinion hold sway which I am laughing at. When did you become the society? #Hahahahahaaaaaa

^{I am really good at playing the villain aren't I?}

yeyenatu: Smh

Polygamy isn't all evils. Like monogamy, it ain't all roses. Even roses can cause pain when handled roughly; thorns.

But sharing is not easy even amongst siblings. So I get what y'all are saying. Well, maybe I did see it from religious point of view. And I can be quite feisty when I talk about the religion I was born into and secular isshs.

I don't think I can strive in polygamy thus the need to make him see no reason to see what someone out there is doing that I am not. I'd just have to get better at what I'm presently doing.

@OP: if you are of a religion that doesn't allow it, then you need to take a firm stand that you don't want her in your home. Let your husband understand that your acceptance of it doesn't include him bringing his unfaithfulness into your space.

I don't get why People whose religious beliefs doesn't support polygamy go ahead and indulge in it and yet be doing mouth anyhow to condemn other teachings of other religions.

Culture wise, in those days, many wives were mostly caused by 'shi shu opo' things. When you inherit a wife from a sibling after his death. Or also affluence.

IMO#


YYN

Report offensive posts to moderators and if they fail to act, report to supermoderators. The rulebreakers hold sway when the rulekeepers let them. Nature abhors vacuum.

yeyenatu: Smh

Polygamy isn't all evils. Like monogamy, it ain't all roses.

You still miss the point;

Polygamy is flawed in principle and in practice!

Monogamy is sound in principle but can be badly practiced.


Graciás


TV

TV01:
You still miss the point;

Polygamy is flawed in principle and in practice!

Monogamy is sound in principle but can be badly practiced.

Graciás

TV

All are flawed. What makes monogamy sound in principle? The oneness of the spouse? Even when he has several others that are sharing his heart and attention and love even. But only one owning his 'name'. That makes it better than several 'Mrs'.

Practicably, all have issues and its because we as individuals have issues. not the choices of marriage. A flawed woman will make a flawed wife. A flawed man will make a flawed husband regardless of the kind of marriage they are in.

Wives in a polygamous home can stand united while the wife in a monogamous home maybe of a messed up morals/mind.

And vice versa, but that doesn't make each of these horrible. It's just the people in it.

Cheers.

YYN

maclatunji:

Report offensive posts to moderators and if they fail to act, report to supermoderators. The rulebreakers hold sway when the rulekeepers let them. Nature abhors vacuum.

Noted#

It's still fun.

Sometimes, it's jut easy to ignore some things. Rulebreakers or rulekeepers and even the makers sef.

Nature is an imperfect mold that allows us to get creative. We ain't all born to create what can make people stop and stare. We tend to get fretful when people drool at what others had created.



YYN

yeyenatu:

Noted#

It's still fun.

Sometimes, it's jut easy to ignore some things. Rulebreakers or rulekeepers and even the makers sef.

Nature is an imperfect mold that allows us to get creative. We ain't all born to create what can make people stop and stare. We tend to get fretful when people drool at what others had created.



YYN

True but not to the point of odiousness.

yeyenatu: All are flawed. What makes monogamy sound in principle? The oneness of the spouse? Even when he has several others that are sharing his heart and attention and love even. But only one owning his 'name'. That makes it better than several 'Mrs'.

Again, you either miss or ignore the point;

If a man in a monogamous marriage has several others sharing his heart or bed he is breaching monogamy by definition - he is actually being polygamous - that is bad practice, nothing to do with the principle of monogamy per se. Monogamy in principle is far superior to polygamy.

yeyenatu:
Practicably, all have issues and its because we as individuals have issues. not the choices of marriage. A flawed woman will make a flawed wife. A flawed man will make a flawed husband regardless of the kind of marriage they are in.

And that relates to practice, which I clearly stated can be flawed in both types.

yeyenatu:
Wives in a polygamous home can stand united while the wife in a monogamous home maybe of a messed up morals/mind.

That is not an argument about principles, but about practice - the opposite could just as well obtain. And even if the wives "stand united", it doesn't mean that they are happy or prefer the situation.

yeyenatu:
And vice versa, but that doesn't make each of these horrible. It's just the people in it.

As above.


Polygamy, by design affords the woman less agency in the union and considers her needs as inferior to the mans. Regardless of the characters of the participants, it engenders a whole slew of issues and potential problems that monogamy does not.

It's Fantasy marriage for men !


TV

maclatunji:
True but not to the point of odiousness.

Well, sometimes it makes people feel good about themselves and their choices when they are loathsome.

Some degree of it just make me laugh. it is what it is. And I really don't like when people derail and make owners of threads uncomfortable. About airing what they truly feel. Because of some presumptions.


I really hope she finds/found what she wanted out of the creation of the thread. She alones know her life and her husband and her situation. She should decide on what woks for her. And not on issues of people's ideology of awe or applause.

No one should live on eggshells in her own home, if he can't deal. Then she should decide on whether or not she wants a new home outside this one or another 'Mrs' outside her home. It's really clear cut.


YYN

TV01:
Again, you either miss or ignore the point;

If a man in a monogamous marriage has several others sharing his heart or bed he is breaching monogamy by definition - he is actually being polygamous - that is bad practice, nothing to do with the principle of monogamy per se. Monogamy in principle is far superior to polygamy.


And that relates to practice, which I clearly stated can be flawed in both types.


That is not an argument about principles, but about practice - the opposite could just as well obtain. And even if the wives "stand united", it doesn't mean that they are happy or prefer the situation.


As above.


Polygamy, by design affords the woman less agency in the union and considers her needs as inferior to the mans. Regardless of the characters of the participants, it engenders a whole slew of issues and potential problems that monogamy does not.

It's Fantasy marriage for men !


TV

One: I don't know which point you are referring to. The one you want me to see or the one there is to see.

Two: superior in what ways? From what point of view? Monogamy means one man-one wife, right? Yeah... why not?! its fun, you can be carefree and relaxed and not bother as you are now the 'mrs'.!
But it doesn't make it better than the guys who thinks they found love somewhere else but would rather bring her home for his wife to accept or not accept, than abhor lustful thoughts every single period of oneness being shared. Nothing makes monogamy superior than polygamy. Each has its pros and cons. And choices, he takes her or he doesn't. She stays or she doesn't. Choices.

No one whose region doesn't allow it/explain it, should indulge in it. A wife married into a certain religion whose teachings give room to it shouldn't really cry foul. Should just hope for respect and understanding of her feelings by her man. Communication! Communication!!

Third: choices!!! We all have moments of sadness. It's not every time we have that "oh alalah' kind of feelings. Acceptance just makes things a lot easier in such situations. Human are general ever satisfied.

Four: a woman that has issues with her complex, regardless of the kind of marriage she is in, would still have issues. Inferior?! Really?! She is a being that has every right to do what makes her happy. Even if its leaving a marriage that is going to involve other people. I'm fabulous and firm. In whatever type of marriage, I WILL shine! It's a decision and a choice.

Fantasy marriage? Well, I don't give a rat's... about what men think of it. to each his own.

tintingz: where in the bible did God frowns at polygamous men?

@topic I grew up in a well good polygamous home, there are challenges tho(ofcos every family face challenges).

My father did his best to keep us united, i never experience any conflict.

Are you a Christian?

yeyenatu:

One: I don't know which point you are referring to. The one you want me to see or the one there is to see.

Two: superior in what ways? From what point of view? Monogamy means one man-one wife, right? Yeah... why not?! its fun, you can be carefree and relaxed and not bother as you are now the 'mrs'.!
But it doesn't make it better than the guys who thinks they found love somewhere else but would rather bring her home for his wife to accept or not accept, than abhor lustful thoughts every single period of oneness being shared. Nothing makes monogamy superior than polygamy. Each has its pros and cons. And choices, he takes her or he doesn't. She stays or she doesn't. Choices.

No one whose region doesn't allow it/explain it, should indulge in it. A wife married into a certain religion whose teachings give room to it shouldn't really cry foul. Should just hope for respect and understanding of her feelings by her man. Communication! Communication!!

Third: choices!!! We all have moments of sadness. It's not every time we have that "oh alalah' kind of feelings. Acceptance just makes things a lot easier in such situations. Human are general ever satisfied.

Four: a woman that has issues with her complex, regardless of the kind of marriage she is in, would still have issues. Inferior?! Really?! She is a being that has every right to do what makes her happy. Even if its leaving a marriage that is going to involve other people. I'm fabulous and firm. In whatever type of marriage, I WILL shine! It's a decision and a choice.

Fantasy marriage? Well, I don't give a rat's... about what men think of it. to each his own.

She can be a class act when she is not trying to be Nairaland's rap queen.

yeyenatu: act? You made it sound like it's a vice. when did marrying someone you love become a vice?

Polygamy is better than marrying 5 times to different persons, and siblings won't even know who is who.

Labeled according to the duration.

"Which one is your own mum? 1988 to 1990? Isn't that Bisi?" Naaaa!

And it's not that horrible thing that you now blame the new 'lady' for. That's where most first wives miss it. That kind of mindset has already sowed something in you towards the lady. Even if she is the sweetest, you would always find fault in your heart towards her. Thus frustrating her effort, unconsciously. Which is wrong.


@OP: please, just expect a new person come to spend time with you in your home. And if you are muslim, you already know that the religion allows it.

"Mati ara eniyan mi se Olorun."

it is what It is. It happens. There are testimonies of people living as peaceful as their individualities can allow, that's the kind you should look out for.

After all, she IS coming in. Create a space in your heart to allow yourself be open-minded and still be your normal self. Don't judge yourself wrongly because he decided to have a second wife.

Don't start looking for what is not lost, you may find what you don't want to find.

All the best dear.

Are you serious?

A married man marrying another woman he loves?

What happened to the first wife?

I have no problems with you rooting for polygamy; just root in a sensible way

Afteral, you are not a first wife that her husband suddenly decided to marry 'a new wife he loves' after you

Keep rooting

ayinba1:

Please do not sell yourself short. I have not met you but "stupiditty" is not a word that applies to you.
You have displayed a lot of wisdom in your posts
May God strengthen you.

I want to point out some areas where you may feel some effects
When outsiders (some married women) learn of your situation, they might view you differently
They might behave to you differently
Some might want to cut off ties
Some will stay with you but their advice may be very contrary to what your mother advised.
But you will find friends that will respect you (regardless of their own marriage) and admire your strength.
They will provide you with tips on how to make things work
Don't lose sight of communication
And please stay with him if you still love each other and he treats you and your kids well.

What is this love you keep talking about?

A man loves his wife soooooooooooo much that he decides to marry a second wife? without her consent? Without informing her before their marriage that he will marry another at some point?

What love are you talking about?

bukatyne:

Are you serious?

A married man marrying another woman he loves?

What happened to the first wife?

I have no problems with you rooting for polygamy; just root in a sensible way

Afteral, you are not a first wife that her husband suddenly decided to marry 'a new wife he loves' after you

Keep rooting

I'm not rooting for anything, just stating my opinion on the matter. If my insensibly stated opinion doesn't sit well with you, kindly jump and pass. Don't insult, two can play the game.

People fall in and out of love for whatever reasons. Why do people get divorce? Because they love each other so much that they want to continue hating each other everyday because they are now 'mr' and 'Mrs'. And live unhappily ever after!!!
No, I'm not a wife yet. But trust me, the little I know about openness, will make me a good wife and a better woman. Don't judge people's decisions because you don't want yours to be judged.

maclatunji:
She can be a class act when she is not trying to be Nairaland's rap queen.

Buhahaha... emphasis on 'trying'. class act? I don't think so.


Btw

Polygamy is just being abused by people that doesn't understand what it means. That's why I understand the views earlier stated on this thread. It is not every man that has the mindset to be with more than one wife, regardless of the kind of affection they think they have developed towards someone other than their wives.

yeyenatu:
I'm not rooting for anything, just stating my opinion on the matter. If my insensibly stated opinion doesn't sit well with you, kindly jump and pass. Don't insult, two can play the game.

People fall in and out of love for whatever reasons. Why do people get divorce? Because they love each other so much that they want to continue hating each other everyday because they are now 'mr' and 'Mrs'. And live unhappily ever after!!!
No, I'm not a wife yet. But trust me, the little I know about openness, will make me a good wife and a better woman. Don't judge people's decisions because you don't want yours to be judged.

Can you define the insult?

You are not a wife and you have good advices on polygamy? Nice

Get married to a man you love so much and want to build happily after with and have him marry a second wife (because he loves her so much) then come back to read all your posts on this thread.

Yeyenatu, smashing it!!! Can I have your autograph?..

Generally mature conversations, good to see.