tpia1: few facts about polygamy:


-for people from polygamous homes, it will be more difficult to actually have a monogamous relationship (note the word used is relationship, not marriage) because you do not have the experience or inclination to handle being with one woman. Such a concept (monogamy) is as foreign to you as polygamy is to someone from the roman empire. So, staying with only one woman, will take something almost supernatural on your part for it to happen.


-polygamy is not so much (or only) about peace or war, as it is about inheritance issues.

-some (few) polygamic homes are more peaceful than some monogamic ones,for whatever reason, true, however, polygamy is not necessarily about peace and war only.

-the siblings knowing each other is not always possible in a polygamic setting. Some fathers strive as much as possible for the children to interact, however in many cases, it doesnt happen, especially when there is a huge gap in age or upbringing (or each wife living in different homes with their children). Some people have said they dont even know their siblings. Granted, this can also happen with monogamy when the man has kids outside the home.

-Having girlfriends outside is a very strong trait of polygamy, and boils down to the first fact i mentioned. Where the difference comes in for those of a polygamic nature, is when you consider your mistresses a "wife", thus showing in your personal opinion, the position of "wife" must be plural, not singular as it relates to you.

Facts

How?

sandijey: Each wife lives in a separate house in London and Mr Phillips spends three nights in each home before moving on to the next.

Wow!! Such very demanding lifestyle and real enjoyment!!.

armyofone:

Wow!! Such very demanding lifestyle and real enjoyment!!.

Lmao. Enjoyment indeed.

.

Godsdivinefavor i want to have more informations from you,being the first wife how did your husband went about it?

Do you live together and how do you manage your home?

Thanks

GodsDivinefavor: Let me say my aim for opening these is majorly to help myself in facing the challenge of my new developing home.

Raised from a polygamous hoem, I never taught I will find myself here cos I saw it live and know the details.

I want to see if I can remember somethings that actuall happened wayback, how it started, which role each person played including myself. How best to handle situations and most importantly help me become a better person.

I will be re-reading these over and over and may probably be adding along the line.

If I must confess...it is not easy.

I can see from the bolded that it is your intention to make this work. The bolded is a place to start. This thread may be helpful too. I'm glad this subject is being handled with maturity and care this time. I do remember the other one.

Someone mentioned speaking to your stepmum who was a 1st wife. If this is a possibility, do try it. I hope that other first wives will come and also give advice.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about the subject of polygamy, this is your reality and ultimately you are the one who must deal with it.

I do find it curious how many woman on NL will tell a wife to pray about their cheating husband. Some will even tell her to continue in the relationship because he is her husband and for the children. Yet they are the first to condemn polygamy.

TV01:

The expectation with monogamy is fidelity, with polygamy it's infidelity. In the former you don't expect it, with the latter you embrace it. Is it me, or does a cheating husband actually sound like a better deal?


TV

First of all, in a polygamous relationship, the parties are married.
Infidelity is defined as...

1. marital disloyalty; adultery.

2. unfaithfulness; disloyalty.



Whereas polygamy is defined as...

the practice or condition of having more than one spouse, especially wife, at one time.

Where is this infidelity you speak of?


At least you know who your husband is sleeping with. Does a woman with a cheating husband know who, or how many woman her husband is sleeping with? Does she know if the other women are healthy or disease ridden?

Now let's ask the question again.

TV01:
Is it me, or does a cheating husband actually sound like a better deal?

A wife in a polygamous marriage knows exactly who her husband is sleeping with, and who the other wife is sleeping with. Is a monogamous marriage to a philandering "holy man" a "better deal"?

edwife: Godsdivinefavor i want to have more informations from you,being the first wife how did your husband went about it?

Do you live together and how do you manage your home?

Thanks

I'm curious too. How does one bring another woman in to be a wife. Is dating outside the relationship involved?

As for Muslims, I know sex outside of marriage is not allowed. As far as that goes, is dating allowed? How does one acquire the next wife?

texanomaly:

I'm curious too. How does one bring another woman in to be a wife. Is dating outside the relationship involved?

As for Muslims, I know sex outside of marriage is not allowed. As far as that goes, is dating allowed? How does one acquire the next wife?

Yes,i might have an hint on how it is like for the second wife as she is very well aware of the former wife.

My curiosity is with the first wife,i really need to talk with her and understand how she came to terms with it.

your post above was exquisite well said.

texanomaly:

I'm curious too. How does one bring another woman in to be a wife. Is dating outside the relationship involved?

As for Muslims, I know sex outside of marriage is not allowed. As far as that goes, is dating allowed? How does one acquire the next wife?

Dating in today's context is not allowed.

The couple get to find out about each other in what is a controlled courtship (Never alone together). If they are satisfied, they go ahead with the marriage.

Hmmmm.

am in here even if i came late.

bring my dinner here ooooo.

#Following

ayinba1:

But you came out of polygamy!!!

Mba kwa biko, I didn't come out of polygamy.

edwife: Godsdivinefavor i want to have more informations from you,being the first wife how did your husband went about it?

Do you live together and how do you manage your home?

Thanks

texanomaly:
I'm curious too. How does one bring another woman in to be a wife. Is dating outside the relationship involved?
As for Muslims, I know sex outside of marriage is not allowed. As far as that goes, is dating allowed? How does one acquire the next wife?

In everything I do, I try to ask myself which role I played. What I did right/wrong or what I should have done that I never did.

Where did I get it wrong, my dress sense, attittude, good or bad cook even poor romance culture abi bad bedmatics?

Sincerely, I never saw it coming.

Every marriage is as old as the first child, my firstborn is 6+ and wedding formalities completed a year after our firstborn up till registry.

Besides, I work with a pharnaceutical company and earn well, not totally dependent on him. So am not over bordering him and also contribute the upkeep of the home.

Have come to realise that one can only know him/her self, you cannot vouch for any other person no matter the kind of relationship.

Maybe hubby had these mapped out or its the mistake he claimed, it is only the men who can know better and help answer these.

GodsDivinefavor:

In everything I do, I try to ask myself which role I played. What I did right/wrong or what I should have done that I never did.

Where did I get it wrong, my dress sense, attittude, good or bad cook even poor romance culture abi bad bedmatics?

Sincerely, I never saw it coming.

Every marriage is as old as the first child, my firstborn is 6+ and wedding formalities completed a year after our firstborn up till registry.

Besides, I work with a pharnaceutical company and earn well, not totally dependent on him. So am not over bordering him and also contribute the upkeep of the home.

Have come to realise that one can only know him/her self, you cannot vouch for any other person no matter the kind of relationship.

Maybe hubby had these mapped out or its the mistake he claimed, it is only the men who can know better and help answer these.

So you think, it could be your fault? Interesting.

GodsDivinefavor:

In everything I do, I try to ask myself which role I played. What I did right/wrong or what I should have done that I never did.

Where did I get it wrong, my dress sense, attittude, good or bad cook even poor romance culture abi bad bedmatics?

Sincerely, I never saw it coming.

Every marriage is as old as the first child, my firstborn is 6+ and wedding formalities completed a year after our firstborn up till registry.

Besides, I work with a pharnaceutical company and earn well, not totally dependent on him. So am not over bordering him and also contribute the upkeep of the home.

Have come to realise that one can only know him/her self, you cannot vouch for any other person no matter the kind of relationship.

Maybe hubby had these mapped out or its the mistake he claimed, it is only the men who can know better and help answer these.

Thank you so much for being so honest.

Do you live with her?and sometimes do you think of leaving the marriage?

Tell us more about the disadvantages/advantages you face.

tpia1:

not trying to introduce religion here, but imo, its very disrespectful to the Prophet to present polygamy as the only form of acceptable marriage in Islam, when he (the Prophet) spent 25 years in a monogamous marriage.

Keep analysing and responding to yourself. You do project a lot madam.

maclatunji:

Keep analysing and responding to yourself. You do project a lot madam.

that is not a crime.

tpia1:

that is not a crime.

Smart response madam.

edwife:

Thank you so much for being so honest.

Do you live with her?and sometimes do you think of leaving the marriage?

Tell us more about the disadvantages/advantages you face.

When and how he started I cannot say. I got to know about 3months ago that am to accept a second wife.

Funny enough, we just moved into our own house about a year ago. I remember I complained my hubby was sleeping alone...maybe it was all part of the game plan.

carefreewannabe:

So you think, it could be your fault? Interesting.

Seriously, am still trying know where or what I did wrong.

yeyenatu: My father got married to a lady that is just 4 years older than me, she used to be my sister's classmate in the university even. We made fun of me a lot when it started. and mum did sakara but we got her to calm down.

The only thing is, right from when we were kids, he would tell my mum and us that he will marry a second wife. It wasn't religious per se, it was more of convenience.

I have a 6 years old step-brother who looks so much like me that I call him my son.
And 'iyawo wa' remains my sister's friend. And grandma (my mum) remains grandma, even to her. They don't live together though as my mum lives more in my sister's house than his.
So everyone is happy. I get clothes for everyone, the three of them I mean. Grudges are taken to dad by both parties.

He waited till we were all out of school and employed, self sufficient at most.

So far, so good.
But me? I am very jealous and it will be tough but it is a life that can be lived when done right. Every man is a cheater after all.


YYN

Abeg you can say most men but no, not every man is a cheat

GodsDivinefavor:

When and how he started I cannot say. I got to know about 3months ago that am to accept a second wife.

Funny enough, we just moved into our own house about a year ago. I remember I complained my hubby was sleeping alone...maybe it was all part of the game plan.

You did not answer my questions though....if you please.

Who says polygamous men don't cheat? In fact they are the greater cheats. So the notion that as a wife in such a setting u will knw who ur husb is sleeping with doesn't hold water at all. A cheat is a cheat even when he has 100 wives.
I wish the Op had opened this thread as a diary like pickabeau said, so that it doesn't turn into a religious thing cos it's brewing

You see, like I said earlier am trying to brace myself for the challenges ahead.

Welcoming another woman into my (sorry our home), sharing everything including "our" man. Raising the kids in such setting and living with all these for God knows hwo long.

GodsDivinefavor:

Seriously, am still trying know where or what I did wrong.

It makes me sad to hear that you are trying to take the blame for your husband's actions. If there was anything he didn't like, he could have told you before moving on to more drastic changes.

Have you asked him these questions?

GodsDivinefavor:

In everything I do, I try to ask myself which role I played. What I did right/wrong or what I should have done that I never did.

Where did I get it wrong, my dress sense, attittude, good or bad cook even poor romance culture abi bad bedmatics?

Sincerely, I never saw it coming.

Every marriage is as old as the first child, my firstborn is 6+ and wedding formalities completed a year after our firstborn up till registry.

Besides, I work with a pharnaceutical company and earn well, not totally dependent on him. So am not over bordering him and also contribute the upkeep of the home.

Have come to realise that one can only know him/her self, you cannot vouch for any other person no matter the kind of relationship.

Maybe hubby had these mapped out or its the mistake he claimed, it is only the men who can know better and help answer these.

Did I miss a post or something? Was your husband unfaithful? How did the other wife come into existence? Also...Do you live in Nigeria, and was your first marriage only traditional or registry too?

maclatunji:

Smart response madam.

She's pretty good sometimes, you would have to agree.
Now how many of our polygamous men actually marry a woman who was widowed?? Most go for young, succulent babes.
Sorry to digress

GodsDivinefavor:

Seriously, am still trying know where or what I did wrong.

Wrong approach. I would not waste my breath on this unless my husband is behaving badly towards me. But if we accept that we are not perfect, our best intentions and actions will never be enough to stop the other from doing what they desire.

GodsDivinefavor: You see, like I said earlier am trying to brace myself for the challenges ahead.

Welcoming another woman into my (sorry our home), sharing everything including "our" man. Raising the kids in such setting and living with all these for God knows hwo long.

You are from a polygamous family right? Do you think he considered that when marrying you? Maybe he always wanted to have 2 wives and he felt since you grew up in that setting you would more likely put up with the situation unlike many ladies from monogamous homes who would have left?

soonest: Who says polygamous men don't cheat? In fact they are the greater cheats. So the notion that as a wife in such a setting u will knw who ur husb is sleeping with doesn't hold water at all. A cheat is a cheat even when he has 100 wives.
I wish the Op had opened this thread as a diary like pickabeau said, so that it doesn't turn into a religious thing cos it's brewing

Very true, there are men with 4wives who still have concubines.

soonest: Who says polygamous men don't cheat? In fact they are the greater cheats. So the notion that as a wife in such a setting u will knw who ur husb is sleeping with doesn't hold water at all. A cheat is a cheat even when he has 100 wives.
I wish the Op had opened this thread as a diary like pickabeau said, so that it doesn't turn into a religious thing cos it's brewing

We can be tolerant of each other and respectful of the poster's story. The thread is perfectly positioned, I believe you are free to post your experience and all contributors should either be respectful or not post a response.

Life has never been fair, perfect nor black and white. You make your own perfect out of your situation. I can choose to be single and spend my entire life (very lonely, let no one fool you) that way so I can hold my head high and say " I did not share my man" or I can accept it (very painful) and try to create the best out of the situation. Ultimately, the relationship between my husband and I will be crucial to how this plays out. Again, regardless of being in a monogamy or polygamy.

freecocoa: Mba kwa biko, I didn't come out of polygamy.

Hmmnnnnn.... Okay