Hello all

As some of you may know, I am an AA involved with a Nigerian male for a year now. Next week will be our anniversary. He has been talking marriage visits to Nigeria and children. I love the thought of having my first child, BUT I am not excited about getting married just now. I would like to marry one of these days, but I have a fear of marriage in general.

First, I do not think that marriage is necessary and I dislike labels. (This is my husband -- this is my wife -- blah blah blah). Secondly, the divorce rates in America are very high. Over 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, hence adding to my fear.

So my question is for those who are married or contemplating marriage soon. Are you happily married? Why is marriage so important? Or is marriage just an act of the ego?

Your scared thats all. Nothing is perfect you just have to work at things. And if it all fails at least you tried.

Y do u (not) want to get married?
I stil dnt c any 'gud' reasons,

LoveAlways:

Are you happily married? Why is marriage so important? Or is marriage just an act of the ego?

Yes very happily married.  Maybe not all the times, because there will be disagreements like you know have in your relationship, but you will work thru them and each one that you work thru makes your bond stronger with your husband.

Marriage is important because there is a stronger sense of commitment to marriage then just bf/gf relationships.  You are less likely to throw it all away when there is a marriage.

Society looks at husbands/wives differently and treats them different.

Society treats married couples different.

My husband has rights that no bf could ever have.  If I am in the hospital need a decision to be made my husband knows my wishes and can carry them out, a bf is just a passenger on a bus that he cant drive because he is not the legal next of kin.  i can carry him on my health insurance and he can do the same.  

Marriage feels special.  Like he loved me enough, he cared enough to stand in front of everyone. . . friends, family and God to say that "I Pick You", I pick you to care for the rest of my life.  I love you enough to marry you, knowing that if something happens tomorrow I will gladly change your diapers for the rest of your life.   I love you enough to want to have children with you because i value your DNA and want that in my children.

As an adult it feels better to introduce him as my Husband instead of my Boyfriend.

If you think that you love him more than you could ever love anyone now, wait until he says I do.  Your love for him will never stop growing or getting deeper and deeper.

Choose carefully, with both eyes wide open, think long and hard about this man that you are about to committ to and never do this before 23 years of age.

wait there is no harm in waiting. dont let no one rush you into any marraige

@LadyT

Your scared thats all. Nothing is perfect you just have to work at things. And if it all fails at least you tried.

Yeah, am afraid because I do not believe that marriage is important. I feel that I will attract those thoughts into my marriage.

@Czar

Y do u (not) want to get married?
I stil dnt c any 'good' reasons,

Because, when I was a young girl I never day dreamed about getting married, not even as an adult. I just recently started noticing married couples, looking at wedding dresses and talking about it. I entertain myself with the thought, but marriage is not in my heart. I have more desire for a cookie (seriously) than I do marriage.

I feel that marriage should be a burning desire or yearning; I should yearn for that kind of union. But when I met my guy, the only thing that I wanted was a long term relationship. It had been years since I had a decent boyfriend, then I met him. My ideal relationship is like Oprah and Stedman, seriously. But I respect that others are married or desire marriage.

I agree with you that marriage isn’t necessary. I won’t feel this way, if some people don’t think marriage is a way to lock you in. . . signed, sealed and delivered, stick a fork in it, it’s done, fait accompli!!!

After marriage, most people tend to be complacent; they feel they don’t have to work hard at the relationship aspect of it. . . why should they, they are already married. Then the taking each other for granted begins….”Oh she’s my wife now, she ain’t going nowhere/He’s my husband now, he'll always be there!” Pretty soon, they are miserable but can’t get out or rather they are hard pressed to get out of because of the stigma of divorce. 

In my opinion, a relationship in its truest sense is when someone has every opportunity to leave but they don’t and the beauty is in knowing two people want to be together because they want to and not because they are compelled to by a piece of paper.

@ sisterwoman

1.  Society looks at husbands/wives differently and treats them different.
2.  Society treats married couples different.
3.  Marriage feels special.  Like he loved me enough, he cared enough to stand in front of everyone. . . friends, family and God to say that "I Pick You", I pick you to care for the rest of my life.  I love you enough to marry you, knowing that if something happens tomorrow I will gladly change your diapers for the rest of your life.   I love you enough to want to have children with you because i value your DNA and want that in my children.
4.  As an adult it feels better to introduce him as my Husband instead of my Boyfriend.

Regarding the quotes above, this is why I asked if marriage is just an act of the ego.   If two people love each other, and committment is there, isn't that enough?  And why does love have to be shared with the world in order to feel validated as a loving, committed couple?  

I have a male friend who married in 2007.  He married his girlfriend of 2 years and now they are planning to divorce. He said that he hated being married to her and that she changed after marriage and so did he.  Yet, I remember when they were just dating and enjoying each other before marriage.

Sisi Jinx:

I agree with you that marriage isn’t necessary. I won’t feel this way, if some people don’t think marriage is a way to lock you in. . . signed, sealed and delivered, stick a fork in it, it’s done, fait accompli!!!

After marriage, most people tend to be complacent; they feel they don’t have to work hard at the relationship aspect of it. . . why should they, they are already married. Then the taking each other for granted begins….”Oh she’s my wife now, she ain’t going nowhere/He’s my husband now, he'll always be there!” Pretty soon, they are miserable but can’t get out or rather they are hard pressed to get out of because of the stigma of divorce. 

In my opinion, a relationship in its truest sense is when someone has every opportunity to leave but they don’t and the beauty is in knowing two people want to be together because they want to and not because they are compelled to by a piece of paper.

you still havent answered a simple question.  have you changed your diet recently?  you are making too much sence .  most people by their lifestyle and selfishness should for ever be single.marraige is very good but you must  never marry a person you cannot live without.  marraige is hard work and always worth it if you find the right person

I agree with you that marriage isn’t necessary. I won’t feel this way, if some people don’t think marriage is a way to lock you in. . . signed, sealed and delivered, stick a fork in it, it’s done, fait accompli!!!

After marriage, most people tend to be complacent; they feel they don’t have to work hard at the relationship aspect of it. . . why should they, they are already married. Then the taking each other for granted begins….”Oh she’s my wife now, she ain’t going nowhere/He’s my husband now, he'll always be there!” Pretty soon, they are miserable but can’t get out or rather they are hard pressed to get out of because of the stigma of divorce.

In my opinion, a relationship in its truest sense is when someone has every opportunity to leave but they don’t and the beauty is in knowing two people want to be together because they want to and not because they are compelled to by a piece of paper.

The bolded text is how I feel about it. It is more of a compliment to me that we can be together without paper bonding us together. I think that piece of paper is like a deed or a declaration of ownership. I do not want to own anyone and no one owns me. And I agree again, the stigma and shame of divorce is another act of the ego. If one needs to divorce and find happiness elsewhere, they should be able to do so without shame or fear of how society and nosey neighbors might view them.

JJYOU:

you still havent answered a simple question.  have you changed your diet recently?  you are making too much sence .  most people by their lifestyle and selfishness should for ever be single.marraige is very good but you must  never marry a person you cannot live without.  marraige is hard work and always worth it if you find the right person

I have been making sense lately??

Hehehehehe. . . I swear, I don't if i should be offended or complimented!

Seriously though, it's sad when people get married only because they think it's the only way to keep the other person. I am not against marriage, far from it. . . I think the wedding gowns are beautiful . I just think do it for the right reasons. . . and those reasons to me are

1) You want the same last names because you don't want people having a hard time addressing a letter to both of you
2) You. . . You. . . errr. . . hmmm. . .

Okay, the ink on my keyboard is finishing, let me go get more and I'll continue with my reasons.

Hehehehe

LoveAlways:



The bolded text is how I feel about it.  It is more of a compliment to me that we can be together without paper bonding us together.  [size=18pt]I think that piece of paper is like a deed or a declaration of ownership.  I do not want to own anyone and no one owns me.[/size]  And I agree again, the stigma and shame of divorce is another act of the ego.  If one needs to divorce and find happiness elsewhere, they should be able to do so without shame or fear of how society and nosey neighbors might view them. 

Do I have your permission to make t-shirts, face cap, key rings, bumber stickers and anything else with the bolded? Please? Please Pretty Pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

Do I have your permission to make t-shirts, face cap, key rings, bumber stickers and anything else with the bolded? Please? Please Pretty Pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

LMAO  -- Yes Sisi Jinx, you have my permission.  I just thought of this song lol.

[flash=425,344]
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OH MY GOD!!! I was just going to post that!!

This is how I sing it in the shower

You don't own me,
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me,
don't say I can't go with other boys

And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause

You don't own me,
don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me,
don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

(Instrumental interlude)

A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
(FADE)
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want

good ole first wives club. hollywood funny people.

marraige is a good thing. it is a brilliant concept. in my opinion it is not for everyone.

Sisi Jinx:

I have been making sense lately??

Hehehehehe. . . I swear, I don't if i should be offended or complimented!

Hehehehe

you are looking for my trouble.  of course you know i am offended. why would i say a thing like that?

when are you coming up with another production of your good wife series?

though you are a prankstar, you make loads of sense.

JJYOU:

good ole first wives club.  hollywood funny people.

marraige is a good thing. it is a brilliant concept. in my opinion it is not for everyone.

Exactly!  

And the sooner people realize that, the better for us all!!

JJYOU:

Hehehehe
you are looking for my trouble.  of course you know i am offended. why would i say a thing like that?

I sowwy. . . .

when are you coming up with another production of your good wife series?

though you are a prankstar, you make loads of sense.

As soon as the just too Good to be true men remove the price they placed for my head and I get the Baby back in my Jinx

@Lovealways

U are goning to have to be patient wiff dude, and eventually wiff time things will work out for u folks, best wishes to y'all too,

OH MY GOD!!! I was just going to post that!!

This is how I sing it in the shower

You don't own me,
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me,
don't say I can't go with other boys

And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause

You don't own me,
don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me,
don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay

Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

(Instrumental interlude)

A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
(FADE)
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want

lmao -- I like Sisi Jinx

@ Smurf

U are goning to have to be patient wiff dude, and eventually wiff time things will work out for u folks, best wishes to y'all too,  

I'm patient, I just have this thing about men wanting to own women and women liking it.  I love my guy, but I also love my life the way it is.  I just wonder why is it such a compliment to women, when men want to marry them?  I do not feel  the need to be validated in such a way, but I respect those who desire marriage.  To each his/her own.

I think the 50% divorce rate and the countless number of unhappy married couples, is proof that marriage doesn't work.  I am happier just being in a loving relationship with my guy than some married couples that I know of.  I wouldn't feel anymore privileged if we married, than I do being in a loving committed relationship.  I am not ready to tell him how I really feel.  I have just been courting the idea to save face.  But like I said, I like the relationship the way that it is.  If I had to choose between marriage and a cookie, I'd choose the cookie with milk please.  

If you are having serious doubts like that, then maybe marriage really isn't for you. Also it seems like you have some issues besides just the general idea of marriage that you need to deal with. You probably should maybe see a professional listener to try and figure out what is causing your fears and if you can work it out.

LoveAlways:

lmao  -- I like Sisi Jinx

omega25red:

If you are having serious doubts like that, then maybe marriage really isn't for you. Also it seems like you have some issues besides just the general idea of marriage that you need to deal with. You probably should maybe see a professional listener to try and figure out what is causing your fears and if you can work it out.

Huzzah for Arm Chair Psychology!!!!



Lawd-a-mercy on us

If you are having serious doubts like that, then maybe marriage really isn't for you. Also it seems like you have some issues besides just the general idea of marriage that you need to deal with. You probably should maybe see a professional listener to try and figure out what is causing your fears and if you can work it out.

Nah, I don't think that I have any serious issues.  I am just realistic, I do not think that marriage is for me (or really important).  The issues that I have with marriage centers around my observation of other married couples.  I have two aunts who are happily married, other than that, I do not know of anyone else.  Most of the people I know are divorced or have never been married.  I also know of people who are unhappily married, yet pretend to be happy for the sake of ego.

Maybe one of the issues I will admit to, is that I sometimes view marriage as a dungeon for wives.  A union where women become domestic slaves and subservants to men in order to keep their husbands happy and to also feel validated; eg.  I'm married to a man! Therefore I must be a special lady  -- he picked me, he picked me!!  I'm just not turned on by the idea.  I'm special, simply because I am.  I think that men sometimes, use marriage as wager to get more of what they want from women; sex, food and kids to carry on their name stake.  So to some women, marriage is a huge boost to the ego -- "HE wants my sex?  HE wants my food?  HE wants me to carry HIS child."  I observe women losing themselves in the process of keeping men happy in mediocre marriages.

LoveAlways:

Nah, I don't think that I have any serious issues.  I am just realistic, I do not think that marriage is for me (or really important).  The issues that I have with marriage centers around my observation of other married couples.  I have two aunts who are happily married, other than that, I do not know of anyone else.  Most of the people I know are divorced or have never been married.  I also know of people who are unhappily married, yet pretend to be happy for the sake of ego.

Maybe one of the issues I will admit to, is that I sometimes view marriage as a dungeon for wives.  A union where women become domestic slaves and subservants to men in order to keep their husbands happy and to also feel validated; eg.  I'm married to a man! Therefore I must be a special lady  -- he picked me, he picked me!!  I'm just not turned on by the idea.  I'm special, simply because I am.  I think that men sometimes, use marriage as wager to get more of what they want from women; sex, food and kids to carry on their name stake.  So to some women, marriage is a huge boost to the ego -- "HE wants my sex?  HE wants my food?  HE wants me to carry HIS child."  I observe women losing themselves in the process of keeping men happy in mediocre marriages.

Rotflmao!!!! Ooooh, you go/nna get in twouble now!! 

Me Likey, Me Likey, Me Really, Really Likey!!

Oh LoveAlways, won't ya visit my blog? Click on my profile. . .

it all depends on u, it seems u have made up your mind not to get married, so the ball is in your court, dont just make a decision you will regret later

Abeg it is not compulsory to marry jare! Just keep on enjoying yourself with men and enjoy your life. All this one man one wife crap is just bullsh***t jare. I believe a man or woman must experience so many partners till your satisfied (although keep safe o!)

Enjoy your life because you only live once. All the cultural nonsense of get married and have kids doesnt matter to me, rather enjoying yourself with multiple partners that satisfy you should be your cardinal point in life.

Why rush into something today when you know that tomorrow its going to end up in a messy divorce?

Abeg Jaiye Ori e jare jo!

why would you perfer kids over marriage?

Btw is this dude documented?

Rotflmao! I swear Karma, you have turned to Immigration Status Check officer. . .thanks for looking out jare.

All them Naija men who entered the country using ori olori, now want to make things right by using ori awon omolomo to get their ewe.

Awon elenu dudun. . . I loffi you after just 2 dates.

LoveAlways:

Nah, I don't think that I have any serious issues. I am just realistic, I do not think that marriage is for me (or really important). The issues that I have with marriage centers around my observation of other married couples. I have two aunts who are happily married, other than that, I do not know of anyone else. Most of the people I know are divorced or have never been married. I also know of people who are unhappily married, yet pretend to be happy for the sake of ego.

Maybe one of the issues I will admit to, is that I sometimes view marriage as a dungeon for wives. A union where women become domestic slaves and subservants to men in order to keep their husbands happy and to also feel validated; eg. I'm married to a man! Therefore I must be a special lady -- he picked me, he picked me!! I'm just not turned on by the idea. I'm special, simply because I am. I think that men sometimes, use marriage as wager to get more of what they want from women; sex, food and kids to carry on their name stake. So to some women, marriage is a huge boost to the ego -- "HE wants my sex? HE wants my food? HE wants me to carry HIS child." I observe women losing themselves in the process of keeping men happy in mediocre marriages.

Erhmm you are trying to make it look one sided as if women don't want sex, food and kids. I want all three too. Am I trying to use marriage to get more of what I want? It's very annoying when I see us painting ourselves as the innocent lamb to the slaughter. Such a picture is demeaning to my person. We as wives or to be wives are more than childishly clamoring for men's approval.

Anyway @ topic
It's best you tell him before things get too far. Marriage is not by force.