Shared from Naijasinglegirls.


Remember the writer behind Seducing a banker ?
Well, she has another hilarious post for us. Enjoy.

The word sexy is one of the few words I always
wish it would disappear from the dictionary and
possibly peoples lips. It’s bad enough that naija
guys are not helping matters with their high
expectation of sexiness oozing out from a lady. But
whenever I switch on the TV especially those
foreign TV stations all I ever see are skinny ladies,
with flat tummy, long pencil skinny legs and bony
ass showcasing what they assume to be sexy.
Which by the way, am always tempted to pass them
a plate of eba with correct equsi soup through the
TV if possible. I wish they could at least consider
those of us holding on to the little self-esteem we
have left while we try to appreciate our looks by
saying “am not too fat” and stop robbing it in. But,
for someone like me, I was comfortable with my
size until I started moving with skinny girls in
school, and my role model (Jennifer Hudson)
betrayed me by losing weight. I wish she knew how
bad I felt. It didn’t even pain me that much until I
saw her latest music video, dancing sexily, robbing
sexiness in my face, exposing the once covered up
tummy while she sang “feels so good it hurts”.
Hmm, toh, how man go do, I had to take it with good
faith. it’s just me against the skinny world now.
One glorious morning I stood in front of the mirror
and told myself, have heard enough of being
compared with a dummy bottle of maltina, and my
friends telling me I’m too fat. No be wetin ginger me
be that sef, not until my friends started noticing how
handsome my boyfriend was with dimples on both
his cheeks. Ah! No be for here you go take my
boyfriend with your skinny body i murmured to
myself, squeezing my face like James bond going
for the kill.
With operation lose weight ringing in my head and a
thirst for an adventure of a life time; I started
reading a lot of online articles on how to lose weight
fast. Na fast result I want o, the kin one wey go look
like I entered into a magician cupboard fat and
came out the next minute thin. After my eyes
almost popped out with reading and surfing the
internet, I concluded crash dieting was the best
option. No be to stop eating or eat once in a day?
The challenge was too simple and easy I thought, in
fact I laughed at how simple it was. I stuffed myself
with a lot of fufu with vegetable soup in the
afternoon, beans and bread in the night as I was
about saying goodbye to being fat, make I chop all I
wan chop now even though constipation almost
killed me that night.
I woke up early the next morning to drink six cups
of water and headed to the kitchen to find
something in small quantity to eat, and then I
remembered the interview I watched about
models talking about what they do to stay in shape.
Come see different answers from drinking to
smoking and the likes. Those weren’t an option for
me unless I want my mama to cast out the slimy
demon inside me out. Then I decided to go for
Naomi Campbell syrup treatment, hehe, oyinbo
people craze o, how person go lick syrup and calls
that food, but my desperation couldn’t allow me
think straight then. Syrup wasn’t something I could
get anywhere in my area and I was already getting
hungry, so, I took N10 and bought butter mint
sweet my substitute for syrup, threw it in my mouth
and started licking while I make a promise to
myself that will be my only meal for the day.
4hrs went by and I could see my dead grandma
pick hanging on the wall winking at me, I turned to
the other side, trying to get some sleep maybe the
hunger will subside, instead, na one bad headache
follow, I slept on the cushion, lying still like a
corpse, unable to blink talk less of moving a finger,
that moment, I ruled out dieting COMPLETELY out of
my weight loss plan. I tried standing up, couldn’t
feel my legs on the floor in fact e be like say all the
muscles in my body don dry, with my body shaking
like someone about to have an epileptic attack. na
by crawling I take enter kitchen, my eyes don red
so tey, I could feel it burn my eye lid. Had to use my
left to hold my right hand to stop it from shaking
while I eat the hungry man size indomie I cooked
with slow motion as I have lost all the energy left in
me, na the one to chew remain.
With dieting ruled out, my next attempt was jogging.
Too much American film dey worry me I hate to
admit. I dressed up in my okirika 3quarter short
and round neck with the trainers my brother came
back with during his NYSC days, since my hair no
too reach to pack into pony tail, I used face cap. Put
ear piece for my touch light phone and put inside
my ear practising what I saw in movies. As I
stepped out of the front door at 6am which was still
dark outside, I heard my mum called out my name
and asked where I was going to, am going out to
jog, jog ke? Wetin do you? Na now you know say
you fat? Abi one guy don dey deceive you, will you
come back in before I come slap out the fat out of
you. You want to kill me? Abi you didn’t hear baba
Sunday goat they were looking for was found at the
T-junction where someone slaughtered it and put
cowries on top for rituals. Ehn!! Before she said
another word I quickly went back in and concluded
jogging will never be my portion. That goat was the
only one baba Sunday had, maybe the next item on
their sacrifice list will be a fat last born I thought to
myself. Trust me; fear doesn’t bring out the best
imaginations out of me.
Losing weight was getting difficult than I thought, I
gave myself three weeks tops and here I was, still
struggling to make a positive attempt.
My last option was portion control. I was very glad
when I stumbled on this method on the internet,
way better than dying out of hunger or being used
for ritual. All I had to do was to eat little quantity of
food and know the calorie content of the food before
eating. Since it was weekend my mum decided to
make akamu and akara. I quickly went in and
Google search calorie content of akamu and akara.
Ahah!! Naija! I hail thy. Come see different wanna be
dieticians, some even went as far as calling my
breakfast unhealthy. When the confusion was
getting too much, I went for just two akara and little
akamu. My mum looked at me and said; it’s like you
are serious with this your weight loss o. swity, you
are ok the way you are, just work on your tummy,
that’s what’s making you feel fat. Just what I
needed to hear, I was getting tired of the whole thing
already. The stress of what have gone through with
this non progressing journey of mine is enough to
make me thin, guess the tummy exercise should do
it. I did a lot of crunches and tummy exercise that
night before going to bed, only to wake up feeling as
if my lower abdomen has been totally removed. The
pain I was feeling was so excruciating I had to
separate my legs into different directions before I
could walk straight. Was unable to laugh at
naijasinglegirl post throughout that day, instead of
laughter, na painful tears go comot my eye… and
that very day I rested my case and concluded I’ll
rather be fat than die trying to be slim..

FP on point

feels like u re writing about me.. but I never quit

Lolz.

You try

cheezy4whizy:
feels like u re writing about me.. but I never quit

Really?? Any progress?

ronald4lif:
Feel so lazy to read now, be back to read later.

OK

Thoughtful

Wow rlly long

Long but very funny.

.

lol, almost died laughing. Especially the part of you cooking indomie in slow motion, hehe, real hunger high!

On the real though, never say never for something that you want that is achievable.

Rheetari:

FP on point

@Admin FP pls

Interesting

Funniest post today on nl, the world has made fat people feel rejected,mtcheeew, the first step to a better life is loving yourself the way you are,then ....

Meh,

lolssssss

lolzzz

not to badmouth, but this is kinda an eyesore.....

paragraph, punctuate, proof-read...

thank you

Hilarious! I did laugh

sarmiie:
not to badmouth, but this is kinda an eyesore.....

paragraph, punctuate, proof-read...

thank you

OK.

Hilarious. But do we really like thin girls? Well, I don't.
I love them having some flesh. Buh nobody likes that tummy. It may not be flat but at least let it not bulge out.

I almost urinated laffing o....people in d house think am running mad....very funny.....i can totally relate to your story, reminds of when i tried the pawpaw diet...eating only a quarter of a pawpaw per meal......d hunger dat follows no get part 2, it will feel like u havent tasted food for 10 years...i love your story...esp d part about seeing ur late grandma on the wall winking at you....chai...but pls don't give up....my biggest concern for u right nw is dat u want shortcut....pls take it slow and easy if not u will keep going round and round unachievable and unsustainable weight loss methods...d portion control is d best...it may take time but it's definitely sustainable....eat less...avoid junk and incorporate fruits and veggies...don't eat late too

kemyrules:
I almost urinated laffing o....people in d house think am running mad....very funny.....i can totally relate to your story, reminds of when i tried the pawpaw diet...eating only a quarter of a pawpaw per meal......d hunger dat follows no get part 2, it will feel like u havent tasted food for 10 years...i love your story...esp d part about seeing ur late grandma on the wall winking at you....chai...but pls don't give up....my biggest concern for u right nw is dat u want shortcut....pls take it slow and easy if not u will keep going round and round unachievable and unsustainable weight loss methods...d portion control is d best...it may take time but it's definitely sustainable....eat less...avoid junk and incorporate fruits and veggies...don't eat late too

U got me smiling.