Crystal83:

Hello. Firstly, I would like to preface this message by saying that I am not a Nigerian, I am from a Western country but am married to a Nigerian. Sometimes things can be taken out of context so I would like to say with absolute sincerity that I mean zero disrespect to anyone. I am just writing to gather extra thoughts and comments on my situation. My husband and I have not been married long, 2 years. We separated recently after an argument which involved him saying that his loyalty to his naija buddies was more important to him than his loyalty to me. This really breaks my heart, as I chose him for life, I put him first in every way, and he does not feel the same for me. And to make it worse, this friend is not a very close friend. He only calls when he is need of help. My question to you all is.. can this ever change and is it a Nigerian trait for a man to have more respect and loyalty to his friends or is this an individual choice? He is the love of my life and I do not wish to divorce, but I do not think it is too much to ask for a man to respect his wife and marriage.

Okay, a more pragmatic advice.
In a way, we are all selfishly motivated, in as much as we all like to deny it. In view of this, you need to establish whether he wants the marriage as much as you do.The narratives about the Facebook and cheating... just set my alarm bells ringing, and it appears he doesn't love you as much as you do love him. This is very common among interracial relationship involving NIGERIAN guys, looking for permanent resident and many more, which I won't go into. Make of that anyway you wish.
I am not qualified to give a good advice, but you need to communicate with him, ask about his opinion about the relationship.
My rule of thumb. If he doesn't care about the relationship, and you think you will be happier being single than married then the answer should be conclusive. Life is too short Ma'am.
Good luck

@micktoxin That is exactly what I needed. Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice. I see it the same way as you.

Crystal83:
@micktoxin That is exactly what I needed. Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice. I see it the same way as you.

Awesome. I wish you happiness in your decisions.

Crystal83:
Your wife is a lucky lady. I would do anything to have that from my husband. Thank you very much for your post jascon1. So you are saying that it is not a Nigerian trait, it is a personal one? Also, I just realised that I am generalising. I know that there are many tribes in Nigeria, most of his friends are Yoruba and so is he. Not that it makes much difference, I don't think. Or does it? Does each tribe have different views on marriage and their wives?

Hello! It is him. It is not a "Nigerian" thing to ignore wife for friends. I would think he doesn't respect you and if he is willing to allow you guys to separate over foolishness ....friends isn't as important as spouses. My husband is first...my kids are second....family is third..and friends are last.

He may not love you the way you love him. Sorry.

Crystal83:
I completely understand what you guys are saying about the importance of your friends, and to an extent I agree that they are a very important part of our lives but if you have been in marriage counselling (which was helping) trying everything to make your marriage work and I am trying everything I can to make him happy (I always put him first), after all of my efforts, it feels all for nothing, because his friends will always come first. We are 32 with a beautiful family. He works and studies at university and I do everything that I can to support him. It seems as though no matter how much I put into the marriage, it is never going to be enough. He makes me feel very unimportant. I am the one that collects his drunk ass in the middle of the night when he has had too much to drink or picks him up and drops him off anywhere he needs to go because he car has died, even though we have 3 children to look after, he always comes first. His friends are not the ones who look out for him the way that a wife does. It is me. Why does loyalty to me not count?

Damn...three kids and married 2 years! You naughty girl you! You are a good wife indeed!

Hello! It is him. It is not a "Nigerian" thing to ignore wife for friends. I would think he doesn't respect you and if he is willing to allow you guys to separate over foolishness ....friends isn't as important as spouses. My husband is first...my kids are second....family is third..and friends are last.

He may not love you the way you love him. Sorry.

That is exactly how I see it, @MrsChima. And I starting to think you are right, that he does not love me the way that I love him. That is sad, but Oh well, at least and the end of the day I can be at peace because my intentions were good and my heart was pure. Thank you for your post.

@MrsChima Sorry, I was not very clear. I have two boys from a previous relationship. My husband and I have just the one. I am just so used to everything being "we" or "us". Our baby is 6 months old. I have no words to explain what I feel for her at the moment.

Crystal83:
@MrsChima Sorry, I was not very clear. I have two boys from a previous relationship. My husband and I have just the one. I am just so used to everything being "we" or "us". Our baby is 6 months old. I have no words to explain what I feel for her at the moment.

Aww. I was like you go girl! . I understand now. I got the gist of your situation without you giving all of your business.

My friend is going through a divorce with her husband...he is not Nigerian but African and she found out that he was deceptive as well. She found out things that she should have known before she went to live with him in his home country.

She lived with him for 3 years before she began seeing sign of deceptions and she was the one providing for the faimily. He was splurging his money and she was taking care of expenses.

She is now in the States and awaiting the divorce to be final. He was putting his friends before her. When the family came around they only needed money. He was taking of his friends as well. It was an odd sight to behold.

He didn't put any pictures of them on his FB and listed as single on his accounts. She said he felt it wasn't important to post his marital status.

She is a beautiful woman and comes from a well to do family. I know it is not her background and she is educated with 2 Masters. I told her either he never loved you or he is deceptive about his past.

If you sensed something is wrong...there is something wrong. Trust your instincts it is usually right! Red flags are real and should never be ignored.

@MrsChima It is so difficult to love someone with everything that you have and put up with the lies and deceit. Sometimes we would do anything for love. I am sorry to hear about your friend. I am sure she will find happiness again. I agree with you about those instincts. It has got me this far, and they are hardly ever wrong. Thank you very much for sharing your friends story and your advice. I appreciate it.

Crystal83:
I have another question as well. Would a proud man share photos etc of his wife and children on any social media site he is on? My husband looks like a single man on his. He has not shared one photo of anyone other than himself. I have a friend here who is also married to a lovely Nigerian man. You can see in an instant how proud he is to be married to his wife and he shows what a proud father he is. On my friends husbands Facebook account, there is nothing but photos of his family, wife and son. He treats her like a queen. It is really beautiful!

So sad you picked a wrong Nigerian man causing you all these stress.... Its not a Nigerian trait but your husbands personal flaws.... Maybe you need to get blunt with him and go through with your words... If he doesnt treat you well let him understand you need to be happy or you both path ways... Is the man a citizen already?