I met my husband in a mosque about 13yrs ago but before i met him, i was dating a guy who is a christian but my relatived kicked  against it because of religeous indifference n so unfortunate for the guy , i couldnt get pregnant for him after 3yrs of dating, but this my husband, i got pregnant for him the first time we made love after 6 months of dating and his family came for introduction and at that time my husband has just been repratriated from europe without my knowledge so he had no job, so i was fending for myself and him because i love him. when i had my baby, it was through ceasarian and i have to pay with all my savings because it was a private hospital, from hospital i was moved to his sister house and i lived with her for 4yrs before i could raise money myself to secure an apartment meanwhile instead of my husband to look for work, he was busy pursuing his traveling back to abroad n twice he was sent back, i had another baby for him after 4yrs and i love him dearly but i was getting tired of expenses. i paid for house rents school fees, house maintanace and am the first born of my family, i had four brothers and sisters to take care of having lost both parent in the early stage of my life, when i started complaining my husband started quarelling with me and he will not talk to me unless i beg him though i never see him with any woman but when i get tired of beging, he will be keeping malice with me for months and we became so distant from each other, to tell u about myself am a very beautiful n social woman and has a fairly good job in a coperate organisation, when u see me you will think i married a rich man, i bought a car from my office sometime but when his family started saying all sort of things, i sold the car off, twice i've got a loan from my office to give my husband to start something but i never know the outcome of the business. now my children are 12 n 8 yrs, the 12 is in boarding house in a private secondary school while the other is in a private prymaryschool and stays with us. my husband has been keeping malice with me now for the past 2yrs and he did not touch me, he sleep in the sitting room while i slept in the bedroom with my daughter, my husband doesnt drink and several time the two families have met and talked to us but i dont know what is happening, i never had a boyfriend though i had lots of admirer but now am so bored and lonely and i have make up my mind to walk out of the relationship because there is no love between us again, i was just managing because of my children, i dont want them to have a broken home but i think i have reach the extreme. pls do advise on what to do, meanwhile i never love the man again, we are just living like cat and mouse and am begining to get scare of my life because he utter some statements that makes even my neigbour to ask me to leave the house but i was the one that rents the house and am still paying. you can reach me on my sister mail for advise or sugestion. shademandilas@yahoo.com

my urgent advise is dat u reduce this story.
I think you should seek God's help in this issue.Goodluck sis.

very simple advise, how can u have this so called husband that hasnt had sex with you for 2yrs,,the problem is this ---your fate,,trust me!Its like this, make a very very solid plan,first seek a transfer at work to a different state and tell ur people to tell his people to change or its bye,,if he cries back,,then consider, ,,let him keep trying for visa until he cant walk to the embassy, u got him a loan twice and he messed up,,why is he so stupid?abi he get wife for abroad??,,hasnt he had a job since deported??
Don't waste ur time ,

My dear poster,

you can successfully navigate from this problem. I know of a guy like your husband whose goal is to return abroad even though the wife is fending for him. And they have two kids. But unlike you the wife is unattractive.

There is limit to what I can post here. But I will try my best.

Can you provide answer to the following questions?

1. How old is your husband?
2. Did he have any degree, or trade skill?
3. If no, were you aware of this when you met him? If yes, what is his speciality?
4. What is his level in the family? Is he a first child or last? Is he the only male in the family?
5. How old is your first kid?
6. Do you live near his family or they come frequently to your house?
6. Do you give him pocket money? If no, where did he get the money that take care of his daily movement?
7. What kind of people, friends and associate surround him? What can you say of his family? Has any member of his family show concern to his joblessness?
8. Finally, is he a believer? I mean is he close to God or a walking encyclopedia of atheism?

I will to gain insight into these questions before I can make my comment.

Meanwhile, remain calm. Stay focus. Ignore his antics. Take care of your children. And most importantly, maintain a positive mental attitude and have faith in God.

To answer your question 1. he will be 50yrs next year january 2010. 2. he has grade 2 teaching certificate before he traveled out of the country and i never know, all he use to tell me then its that he works and stay in England and i saw his passport with visa and he even traveled twice but was repairterated. 4. Hes the last born of the family. 5. my 1st kid is 12 n second is 8. 6. yes we live very close to his family. 7. hes always borrowing money from me and i do make him confortable at home in terms of foods and other thing, but he do beg money from hes ok friend. 8. hes from a family of 5, three men n two women but they never love each other, the 1st is in usa and he has more than 8 women that born for him, the 2nd is a ful time wife and shes the one i stay with when i had my 1st kid for 4yrs, the 3rd is a ful time wife with a very rich husband but they never assit him claiming they are the one that help him to go abroad, the 4th is in abuja doing menial jobs like vendor and other, but no love in the family, the two women are not in talking term since i've been married to the family.Its only the woman that i stays with that is helping, the woman treated me like her daughter and did her best to help. finally, he do pray morning prayer once in a while and do go for friday prayer,(jumat). Thats the little i can say and i forget to mention that he had a son before i met him who is 16yrs then, but he never tell me, it was his sister that told me, i dont know the son or the mother but the son is in london while the mother is in nigeria married to another man but they dont talk to each other n l'm so sure of that. the boy should be 28yrs now n in england.

hmmmmmmmmmmn

That is not strange!

Let me thank you for taking time to reply the questions. I am not 4ven to sentimental judgement about people. And i love putting myself in other people's shoes befor I make comment about their situathon. . .

That said, I want to tell you that your husband situation is not natural. He is a lessons for parents that pamper their last child. He was spoilt! That is why he grew up to be perpetually dependent on others. With a benefit of hindsiight, I can say that he didn't plan his life to be this way.

The situation in his extended family is also a contributive factor. Something is wrong with how their family raised them. I know someone may wonder how I have to bring the parents into this. I have seen a near similar situation. And in my own family, I remember it almost degenerated to that level. I had to fight my mum for over 8 years until she reasoned with me. Now, love is in the family. But you, you have eörmous task before you. One is to ensure that your kids NEVER take after their father, the other is to free yourself from your husband misfortune without feeling guilty.

Your husband is a lazy man with hidden agenda! His wanting to return abroad after being deported twice indicated that he either have an unfinished business over there or he already have a family waiting to embrace him. Maybe his son is now old enough to accomodate him. Maybe. One thing I know is that with that old outdated certificate, his chance of getting lucrative job in London is very slim.

Stop borrowing him money, henceforth. And find a way to convince him to relocate away from his family house. If he would not bulge, since you pay the rent, effect the relocation. Get a new place and refuse to renew the current one after it expire. My logic is to discourage his family from poking nose into your business. A jobless 50 year old husband is drain in your pocket. I won't suggest you divorce him outright. Let him push you to do so.

The best thing is to take your time and pray. I dont know what too say realy, its very sad, marrying in the name of he is a muslim, my family prefers him and stuffs.

My next comment is for you to be social. Be friends to people that can help your cause. Take care of yourself, remain attractive and keep your body firm. That way, you will capture the attention of a worthy man. I am not suggesting that you flirt, NO, NO, NO. That will worsen your situation. But be friend with those you like and those who like you. Just in case you have to wedge the big stick, you won't have to start all over!

Now, find a quiet time that your husband is relaxed and talk to him. What should you tell him? How should you go about it? I will tell you that if need be but not here. And you must do it if you want a peace of mind. You must talk to him. But don't threaten him.

Next, insulate your kids against their fathers traits. It is possible. I know a lady who have two kids and are seperated from her husband who is a useless man. The kids hate their father and have vowed never to take after him! When you are closer to your kids, you can create postive atmosphere that enable you to programme them.

What about divorce? That is to me applicable if everything else fail. Thank God he is muslim and so you are. Islam allow wives to file for divorce if the marriage irredeemably doomed. But you have to take a step at a time.

Finally, don't commit your money on him. Invest your money in a worthy venture and ensure that you are financially sound. If you have been telling him how much you earn etc, put a stop to that and don't let him know you have spare money. In fact, if you share the same bedroom, don't keep money at home again. The only money you bring home should be what you need.

@sparta,
kindly take time to re-read the poster's first paragraph. She wanted the Christain guy to impregnate her but he couldn't. She married the current guy out of love and the fact that he impregnated her. Those who havd passed through the situation know that it is a difficult moment. At any rate, making decision about who to marry is one of the hardest work to undertake. It is never easy at all when you are stuck between two guys.

In support of the post above,let divorce be the last option,if necessary at all.

My only advice is this.

If transfer is possible at ur place of work,work at it,get posted to another city.

My believe is that if u are separated from him,u will have d opportunity
of clearing ur mind of his bad memmory,bring ur kids up in an atmosphere of love .
If he is willing to change for good,he will only come running to u with a changed mind,God willing,
otherwise,he will ask for divorce when he must have spent sometime without u and d kids.

His mien and silence is as a result of his botched return to europe.he never planned  to  live his life with u
which explains why he ll consider attempting a return to england wihout considering u and d kids.

Positive mental attitude.May God c u tru

@olanajim

I hope you know that this is not a religious fight. She married a guy because he could impregnate her and she loved him but did he lover her? Love is a two way thing. We all want children believe me olanajim,I will be getting married this year and i want children but i am also taking time to know my fiancee more. I am not trying to play holier than thou but this getting pregnant before marriage gets people more than they bargain for. For me its no pregnancy till we are married so i can see his flaws and decide if i can live with it. She only dated him for six months and next thing is introduction and she moves in. Child bearing is never the basis for marriage, it is for companionship and love. I beleive if she took her time she would have known he is a lazy and heartless man. Like i said before, she should pray, i believe strongly in prayers because no situation puzzles God.

@sparta,
it isn't about religion. I only pointed out what I read.

Good olanajim! Am glad we can all see why she made the mistake . God help her

I think the best thing for you to do is to move closer to God first, then find a time when ur husband is in a good mood, try talking to him.

my dear,things like this happen,thank God u r gainfully employed.wat would have done if u are depending on him.
just believe God will work out things for his children.just keep praying, and u need a relocation,i guess it will do u a lot of good.
IT IS WELL

I don't know why you are still calling him your husband. Overpampered lazy man. Thank God you have a good sister n law

Wow! Thot it was outta frustration, u know, a man bein catered for, until u said they (the man's immediate family members) don't have any love flowin in them for them. Dear, de world (your pple and his)wil only come 2ur burial if he kills u! Better find a better place 4u and de kids until he comes back 2his senses, if at all stil need him, if not, get ur self another carin man. Best of luck in ur decision!

The man has spiritual problems.He needs someone who knows Christ to step in on his behalf.He is not in control of himself.You need to cme to the Lord , get his soul saved and then rescue him before the devil gives him the third and the last attack.THe bible say theif cometh not but to steal.kill,to destroy.He has stolen.He is killing.Dont let him destroy

Shit that happens when parents choose for their daughters or son who to marry

Now u are d one wearing the shoes and feeling the pain

U are really a woman, not sure every of us can be like you.

Honestly speecheless, with all his emcumbrancies, don't kwn wic to react to.

If not good at other aspect of lives, (To be a good husband, provider, job et al)

While also starting u with sex for the past two years and keeping malice

According to you now, you dnt feel any love for him again

Well my dear, the only thing i can tell you, you owe urself happiness anyone can't give u, let the decision be urs on wat is best for you, for me (sanity of mind)

Thank God for your job and kids, ask God to guide u

tribalism, religion ism is killing us