A woman and a man wanted to have a second baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to take part in the study.

Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything. The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.

When they got home, the man living opposite thier apartment was dead on the doorstep.

make a clap

A German patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won 5000 euro in a safety competition. "what are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked.

"i guess i"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered.

"don't listen to him," said the woman in the passanger seat. "he's a smart alect when he is drunk."

This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in polish, "are we over the border yet?"

After numerous rounds of
"We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

An American tourist in Iran was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, an Iranian police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this Iranian courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the British Embassy."

nice ones bro

cool jokes.

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".

His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract painful teeth.

"$80," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper
way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can
knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to
$20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the 30th day".

The man was going to bed when his wife pointed out that he'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As he looked out of the window he noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing their belongings. He immediately phoned the Police who told him that there was nobody in that area and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.
He said Fine then hung up. A minute later He rang back and said
"Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a thief robbery taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to come in a haste because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on his premises and naturally they caught the thiefs red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd killed them all?"
He responded - "I thought you said nobody was available

There were three guys at a bar.

One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a hunter.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.

So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercedes and a new mansion,
if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "

As the hunter finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a gun. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go shoot herself

Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed,Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.

He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube,please move back?"

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."



"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before,i would have been the victim and I`d
be dead now!"

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub having some beerl with you."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Travis goes to the doctor and tells the doctor"I c-c-can't s-s-stop s-s-stuttering".
The doctor checks him over and says "the problem is your dick is to big and it's pulling down on your vocal cord and causing you to stutter. the way to fix it is to cut half of it off".
Travis says "w-w-whatever it t-t-takes".

Six weeks later Travis goes back to the doctor and says "I don't stutter anymore but my wife and girlfriend left me. I want you to put it back on".

The doctor said "f-f-f-forget it!"

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential. Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!


Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
===

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends

good one sammy

Exams question: Draw the female reproduction organ.

As the exam was on-going, a girl looked between her legs.
A boy saw her and shouted "Sir, she's copying from the original."

A car was involved in an accident in a street.
As expected, a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I NEVER TOLD A LIE."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

NIGERIA WILL BE GOOD WHEN
The lovers are Yorubas
The cooks are Calabars
The traders are Igbos
The police are Hausas
The government is run by Me

NIGERIA IS BAD BECAUSE:
The lovers are Hausas
The cooks are Yorubas
The Traders are Calabars
The police are Igbos
The government is run by the oLd Politicians

Two presidents are talking over coffee,
Yar adua, of Nigeria, says to Biya (Cameroun) "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid.
Do you doubt me? Let me show you."
And he called his driver over and said , "Musa, here is a 1000 naira bill,
go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes car."
To which Musa replied, "Yes Sir! Right away Sir!", and he rushed off.
The president turned to his pal and said, "See, the slowpoke is brainless.
"Biya said , "That's nothing. You want to see stupid? Let me show you stupid.
He called his driver, "Mboma, run home now and check to see if I'm at home."
Mboma said, "Yes Sir!! Right away Sir and ran off.
Biya turns smugly to his buddy, "See what I told you? That's my simpleton.
Later on, the two drivers met on the road, Musa said to Mboma,
"Eh, you know my boss is really stupid.
He gave me 1000 naira and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes,
Like he doesn't know that today is Sunday and the showroom would be closed!.
To which Mboma replied, "You think he is stupid, huh?
My boss is worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home,
Can't he just use his cellphone to find out,